know how sublime a thing is :
to suffer and be strong

- longfellow


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:: 2009 16 September :: 12.08 pm

miss writing in this.

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:: 2009 14 January :: 9.22 pm

why am i always stuck in stupid situations like these!? and always with people more fucked up than i am????????????

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:: 2008 8 December :: 9.37 pm

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:: 2008 8 December :: 9.36 pm

Just kidding, he wants to please me more than he wants me to please him!

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:: 2008 16 November :: 10.23 am

for the first time ever i'm getting involved with some one who wants to please me as much as i want to please him.

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:: 2008 7 November :: 3.01 am

i'm not sure how to feel about finally getting what i want ..

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:: 2008 11 October :: 2.57 pm

i decided i'm not going to get married:

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:: 2008 5 June :: 5.47 pm

Oh do not love too long
SWEETHEART, do not love too long:
I loved long and long,
And grew to be out of fashion
Like an old song.
All through the years of our youth
Neither could have known
Their own thought from the other's,
We were so much at one.
But O, in a minute she changed -
O do not love too long,
Or you will grow out of fashion
Like an old song.
- William Butler Yates

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:: 2008 5 May :: 4.58 am

i don't get it - why do i always feel constantly fucked over??

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:: 2008 24 April :: 4.31 pm

i want to tap that asap!

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:: 2008 23 April :: 10.34 pm

my sexual desire for him is overwhelming .. i need a distraction !!

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:: 2008 19 April :: 7.55 pm

We don't talk to police, we don't make a peace bond
We don't trust in the judicial system, we shoot guns
We rely on the streets we do battle in the hood
I was born in the G Code, embedded in my blood

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:: 2008 14 April :: 4.18 pm

I hate ambiguity. I like to know what I'm in. I like to know my relationship with a person. I like to have a clear definition. When that definition is not present I feel uneasy. That's how I feel now: nervous and uneasy. I don't feel sexy anymore - I feel afraid. I don't want to be rejected. I don't want to lose what I have with him. I want to seduce him out of wits. I hope this doesn't have negative implications. I still don't even understand how he even likes me !!

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:: 2008 15 February :: 4.40 pm

My biggest flaw: I assume I am a lot stronger than I actually am.

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:: 2008 3 February :: 4.42 pm

my stress reliever : math (!?)

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:: 2008 3 February :: 2.32 am

You know what I've realized? The biggest womanizers are the momma's boys. They know how to treat women because their momma taught them how and then ontop of that they have really high expectations for women. So, they seem to have a good grasp on the ideals of romanticism and seduction but they take advantage of women because after they realize the woman does not live up to his momma, he decides to go look for some one else. Another observation: mommas boys are highly dependent on women.

Professor Levy: You will notice that what we are aiming at when we fall in love is a very strange paradox. The paradox consists of the fact that, when we fall in love, we are seeking to re-find all or some of the people to whom we were attached as children. On the other hand, we ask our beloved to correct all of the wrongs that these early parents or siblings inflicted upon us. So that love contains in it the contradiction: The attempt to return to the past and the attempt to undo the past.
-Crimes and Misdemeanors

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:: 2008 29 January :: 11.33 pm

This manipulation bullshit is pissing me off!! People will support Obama because the Kennedys are supporting Obama and claiming him to be similar to JFK. And people will vote for Obama because if the Kennedys are supporting him then he MUST be great. But, the Kennedy's are only supporting him because they want to enhance their own leverage and show that they hold power by endorsing him -- and that they are politically correct. Ted Kennedy: "I knew that he was fit to be president on day ONE!" His speech is reeking with bullshit bullshit bullshit. Yeah, sure if you knew he was fit to be president on day one then why did you not declare your support until Obama got a 55% support backing from South Carolina?
Our country is full of fucking douches. Manipulative, ladder climbing douches.
And men are assholes.

be daring

:: 2008 28 January :: 3.53 pm

One thing I don't understand is: why do people hurt eachother? Is it a lack of respect for others, a lack of respect for oneself or what? I mean honestly, what's the point. I feel like as time has progressed people have stopped realizing that others are humans, human beings, with feelings, with souls, with the capability to get hurt. And, we think that by putting them down we are putting ourselves at a higher pedestal, or position. But, we're not. We're just compromising ourselves. We're decreasing our own personal capability of fully understanding others, and it is in that capability of understanding others we actually experience true love, true life. Why do that to themselves? Why would they want to deprive themselves of that experience? It doesn't even make you feel good. Sure, it's a momentary kick to the ego, a momentary boost to self-esteem, but it's a lifelong torture. Honestly, what the fuck.

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:: 2008 27 January :: 6.14 pm

Maybe I cared about him more than I gave myself credit for. I hesitated last night when he made his very appealing proposal because I was afraid of any perspective friendship being ruined. He was so eager and willing and he was very genuine about it too. I couldn't think of anything else last night and this morning I decided to relieve my horniness in the only way I saw fit. I did it and I only did what I felt comfortable doing. And, he ended the exchange with "I feel like a slut; a man-slut" and I know that should make me feel dominant, wonderful, sexy, etc. But, it doesn't. I feel horrible. I don't want him to feel like that. I didn't want to use him - I never want to hurt anyone. Yet, I feel like I did that to him. I feel like a horrible person. I don't know what to do to make it up to him. I know I should go talk to him but I don't know how to approach him. He probably hates me right now. MOTHERFUCKER. I hate being frustrated. I need time to sort my thoughts .. and then I will go sort this out.

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:: 2008 24 January :: 10.21 pm

"What upsets me is not that you lied to me, but that from now on, I can no longer believe you."
---Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

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:: 2008 15 January :: 6.51 pm

the answer: be deceitful?
In life, you always bump into people who don't like you or you don't like. But, sometimes you just have to suck it up and work with them. There's nothing else you can do. I worried that my ego wouldn't allow it but I have no choice: circumstances require that i do this. In the end you just have to be totally true to yourself: people will always err in their judgements and you can't control that, but you can control your own judgements and actions.

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:: 2008 9 January :: 4.20 pm

i try my hardest to not be a hypocrite but unfortunately, like most people, am most of the time.

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:: 2007 23 December :: 6.04 pm

"La vengeance est un plat qui se mange froid"
I need (and want) to cry but my pride will not let me cry.
It's all about your mindset, right?
Well, then, I'm keeping a fucking positive mindset.
I just wish I could just cry or even scream to let it out.

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:: 2007 31 October :: 9.00 pm
:: Music: I've got to see you again -Norah Jones

Seduction - such a sexy word. I was firm on my decision to not get involved with anyone this year. Well, I thought I was firm on this decison. But, it turns out I was so incredibly wrong. It seems like getting involved is the only solution to my never ceasing horniness .. especially because no amount of random hookups can make me happy (or satisfied). I just can't do the random hookups like everyone else, I sort of envy them and their ability to enjoy it.
So, based on these premises, the ideal and pretty goddamn wonderful solution was to enjoy la vie suel and get myself a lovely vibrator.
Until ...
I got seduced.
Why, oh why?
I had such a good thing going too!

2 failures | be daring

:: 2007 16 October :: 8.41 pm

it gets lonely here. i wish i had some one to talk to, some one who i can count on to be there whenever i need them and some one to rely on. it's a down day and i just feel really alone. i hate this feeling cuz it allows for too much reflection :(

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:: 2007 6 October :: 11.18 am

That's it, I'm getting my spark back!

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:: 2007 16 September :: 3.03 am
:: Music: waterloo sunset - the kinks

i'm going to miss this. staying up 'till late at night listening to music, blogging mentally and letting my train of thought guide me through the internet. 2.5 hours and i leave to chicago and i'm sort of regretting it. i'm mainly afraid of the people. that they won't understand me.

1 failure | be daring

:: 2007 27 August :: 10.17 pm

it's been a long fucking time since i've had this feeling but hey it's back here again.

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:: 2007 5 August :: 8.58 pm

Embarrassment. Under the circumstances, I forced him to face it. He is just so stubborn and disgusted with himself that he can't face me again. He just failed to realize that his approach did not unattract me in the least bit. Actually, it intensified my attraction. If only he could get up that nerve to see me again - then he would see.

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:: 2007 18 July :: 3.28 pm

i miss the mountains, the air that tastes like pastries, the architecture, the grafitti, the food, the walking, the SEXY/HOT men with great hands and backs, and am seriously depressed about how goddamn fat i have gotten. WHAT THE FUCK!

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