2005 27 April :: 11.33pm
Jack ppphhhhoooooaaaaarrrr!!!!!!!!! says:
if you want something, go for it, fuck whatever ANYONE else thinks says or does, if your heart wants it, and it wont hurt anyone, go for it.
I don't feel good.
4 failures |
2005 5 April :: 10.21pm
:: Music: Scissor Sisters
I can't really figure it out. I think my relationships with guys are really fucked up. I really can't just get into my head that a friendship is a friendship, a flirtation is a flirtation, and a relationship is a relationship. To me they all mix together to form one big blob. And the guys all mix into this big blob, creating nothing but a big mess. I don't show any other deeper feelings, even if I might have them.
Flirting is not always as cute as it seems.
Al's a guy friend though. And we dont' flirt. But problem is then, those relationships get boring and I abandon them quickly. I love playing games, I love having some kind of tension in my life.
And why is that?
I love to complain.
And why is that?
No one knows, unanswered questions can boggle my mind all they want. But I don't really give a damn, I can't change that fact. Maybe for once just leave it the way it is.
I'm the scape goat of the class, but only to the teachers. What happened to me? All the teachers at Edgemont loved me, loved me. Even with Mrs. A I had no real bad blood. I was charming I was cool.
Now I'm just a miserable little girl, with a mouth full of diahrea. That's another good thing about America, they love extroverts. The louder you are, the better.
But here it seems different, reserved and mysterious are respected so much more. But I'm not gonna change myself for these people, or could you call them people. They're teachers.
My attention span is really short too I've noticed lately. But that might be because there are so many new things to be discovered.
I'm blabbering again aren't I...?
2005 1 April :: 11.37pm
He might not be mine, but he still helps me through the painful stage of theatrics they call my life.
2005 29 March :: 7.55pm
:: Music: Muse
What's wrong with me? I have to always butt into something, can't just leave myself out of it.
I guess when something is mine I get very pocessive, and I can't seem to share with others. Maybe those 10 years of feeling and acting like an only child really were damaging.
He's not even mine, but I feel that when he is my friend, I better keep him close by because he could be a potential hookup, and I don't want to ruin that shot. I'm just desperate for any kind of male attention I suppose.
We're just friends though, and I don't even want him as anything else and he deoesn't want me. But it just seems like an unavoidable thing. I think he is attractive to a certain extent.
We're all just filled with hormones anyway, we can't control ourselves!
2005 20 March :: 9.37am
:: Music: Keane- Bend and Break
Updating just for anyone who cares
Let me just say the Keane CD is really amazing. To all you kiddies with iPods, I got you, you don't need to buy CD's, but then download it- it's very soothing. After watching nothing but MTV for so long (there is absolute crap tv here), it's so nice to just kick back and listen to something nice, with an actual message.
Things are going well. I've realized the amount of patience I pocess, is extremely limited. I live my life on the fast track, and I'm not about to slow down for anyone, anytime soon.
That is why it annoys me that he drags it out. Love is supposed to be such a simple thing. Oh, simple thing where have you gone? You like me, I like you- let's do it. Do somethin'! I don't see the hold up, and I don't doubt your feelings towards me, it's pretty obvious.
For once I just want this one to work out. I'm ready for commitment, and I know I'm only 16 and probably extremely naive, but this is what I want. Who knows if I'll get bored of it as soon as it starts. But for once, give me what I want. Give me what I deserve! I have earned this.
I'm gonna stop putting so much pressure on you, if that's what you need. All I'm saying is the train is leaving the station soon, so you better hurry up and get on! There's only so much a simple girl can take!
Yesterday was a sad day. For the first time, I've realized how much social interraction I need to keep me going. There is no way I will ever live alone, I'm simply not suited for that. Just watch, in 50 years I'll either be dead and gone, or I'll still be partying it up with the cool old people of the world. But anyway, if I don't see a friend for a day I get all sad and depressed, and I start thinking.
I honestly think, thinking is bad for you. I think so much bad shit, I never think positively, I never think realistically. I convince myself of my own lies, and then believe them and make them come true in the end. I really do live in my own world sometimes, maybe that's why Jack and I get along so well... Hmm something to think about.
I can't separate thoughts from dreams either, I forget what is real because I can't stop dreaming. I've become a dreamer during the night, fighter during day. My mind has turned to haze, purple foggy haze. I don't even know if I want to get out of it.
I kind of like my world.
Going to a movie tonight with Manon, Al, Viv, Frankie, Jordi, and Jack- should be fun. We'll all have to make our own fun now that half the school is in fucking Austria on ski trip. I'm glad I didn't go though, who am I kidding? I can't ski and I don't have insentive to either...
But of course Jordi will not make a move, because he is "shy" or whatever and wants to take it "really slowly" whatever that means. I'm getting sick of it already, and can he really blame me for calling him an asshole? I don't know.
I love him anyway, and I consume him the way I consumed my turqouise pack of cigarettes this Thursday.
You know it,
2005 8 March :: 7.36pm
:: Music: Postal Service CD
I know I say this so reptitively- but I don't get guys and I never will. Even these healthy crushes, the ones that actually seem like they are non obsessive and where the guy seems to like you back, go wrong. I fuck them up.
It boils down to me thinking too much. It started out as such a nice thing, at first I didn't even like him, then I thought he was a cool guy, then I got a crush on him, and now I'm obsessed. I can't just chill I obsess about him way too much. I'm so aware of his presence at school.
My worst problem is that I don't want to seem desperate, because that's exactly what I am. I don't want him to get annoyed by me.
I feel he is giving me mixed signals, one day he'll be so nice and the next he will seem stubborn and uninterested. I can't deal with mood swings. I need something constant with my life.
And all this time I thought he was gonna be the one chasing me, turns out I'm hunting him down.
And I hate how he is so innocent and pure, so unused. Brand new. Inexperienced. Whatever you want to call it. Mostly I don't like it, because I don't know what to do with it.
All I'm saying is, I do like you, and supposedly you like me...
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
1 failure |
2005 11 February :: 11.16pm
:: Music: The Ark- One Of Us Is Gonna Die Young
I have absolutely no idea what to write.
WRITERS BLOCK WRITERS BLOCK WRITERS BLOCK.
It's so much harder writing about happiness, than it is about sadness. That's why I'm stuck.
2005 4 January :: 4.52pm
:: Music: Sabia- Surrender
I have accepted the facts. I'll never be able to have a reasonable conversation with him, about anything meaningful. Maybe I should just stop trying to fit a square into a circle, which I know is such a cliche, but that's what I am doing.
And maybe it's not all in my imagination, maybe he really is trying. He wants to take me to rhe movies, he's constantly arranging things for me, but maybe that's because he feels like he should be doing things, I don't know.
I just don't know.
All I know is that the relationship between me and my dad will never be what I want it to be, but I've learned to accept it more, I think being here in the actual physical and mental presence. And it really isn't all that bad.
I have a great mom don't I? Yeah, I do. I love her and she is amazing, supportive, and great in so many ways, and maybe I don't have a great dad, but at least I don't have to average parents, or two parents that should have gotten divorced a million years ago. My parents actually divorced in good time, and good spirit, and yeah my life so far has been a little different and confusing and not very constant but I've learned so much in so little time, and seen so much and I guess I have a nice, broad perspective on everything.
Maybe for once we should just be thankful for what we have, and not think about the things we don't have.
2 failures |
2004 15 December :: 7.49am
It's in this instance that I am so thankful, that I kept myself grounded, at least to a certain extent. I've all been the poster child for "you can be happy without good grades." I hope Mr. Alter made you all realize that it isn't what makes you happy, just because you won't get into that specific school you wanted to, who cares? Don't beat yourself up over it. You can still achieve whatever you want to achieve. And all these bullshit "dreams", most of don't do anything about them.
Live in the present. It scares me to death that we are always rushing, rushing rushing. We're always looking forward to something else, we can never just relax and live in the moment, and enjoy that moment. Not only in school. Like when I went to Texas I had been so excited for so long, and it was amazing don't get me wrong- but I kept fearing the end of the trip, limiting my enjoyment of the experience. It really scares me, the thought of never fully enjoying anything.
I don't think the reason we're put on this earth is to create a cure for cancer, it's to discover ourselves and discover our dreams. To help others. To relate to others. I've been through some shit you haven't, and you've been through stuff I haven't, and we can help eachother that way. Life is tough, but a blind life is tougher.
I will live in the moment from now on, yeah it's easy to say. But that is what I will strive for. I will enjoy every second. Yeah, I'm moving and that has been all on my mind lately. But especially now, towards the end of this experience, I need to slow down time and just BREATHE.
2004 8 December :: 6.15pm
:: Music: Hanson- Penny & Me
just a thought
In U.S., A's for apathy
Not bullshit democracy
Red white and blue is all you see
But does it mean you're really free?
They tell us how to act and be
Fuck that mental slavery
With standards and authority
How can you think you're really free?
2004 5 December :: 7.23pm
:: Music: The Killers- Smile Like You Mean It
I really do think that saying is true. Opposites do attract. I don't think you can have a good, healthy relationship with someone who is like you, personality wise. I know this guy, we're like two drops of water, he's my equal, and so on. We constantly snap at eachother and get into stupid little fights.
That's why it would never work out, we're too alike. We'd drive eachother up the wall.
I have 13 days to do it now. I have 13 days to get my hands on him. He's so hot. I don't know why but he is. And I fully intend on using him as the item he deserves to be, if only we weren't in Edgemont- I could have had him by now.
It's never gonna happen.
Why do I feel drunk right now? I didn't have anything. I don't get it. So many mysteries out there.
School will be another dissapointment tomorrow, it always is. I always expect so much from school, from friends, just from things in general but it never works out that way.
And it's true, things come when you least expect them. They sneak up on you.
That's why I think I might get lucky in Holland, lucky in the sense as in NOT a one night hook up. Because of course it has to work out that I find someone good, in the midst of the shitload of school work I'm gonna have.
But maybe I'll actually be busy then...?
I still don't like Bush.
3 failures |
2004 1 December :: 7.18pm
It's so weird how many people just drift out of your life. Especially guys, I don't know if that's just because I am behaving like a whore these days. But still, all these guys that I used to be so close to, maybe about a month ago, I don't talk to anymore. And we didn't even drift away, like you sometimes do with friends, we just STOPPED and it ended from one day to the other. It wasn't a process at all.
And it's weird, still referring to boys, that you can have such strong feelings for someone and then a month later, you almost forgot about him. But I guess that's just one of those things that helps you distinguish between love and like.
I miss Texas more than anything. I miss the guys, whom I won't even remember a month from now (there you see it) but mostly I miss my family. Family is such a powerful thing, and I think I deserve it. I always had crappy family, all old toothless mean people. Now I finally got what I think I deserved all along, a family that loves me unconditionally.
Things are really weird now. 17 days, 17 days, 17 days it keeps ringing in my head. What can I say? Make the best of it I guess. But that's so hard to say. It's impossible to live like that sometimes. There are very few from this place I'll miss, and that makes me so sad. I wish I had made long life friends here, but I didn't- it didn't work that way, I can't reset time.
What else... I am dreading going to a new school. Not having to make new friends, that's a piece of cake- I'm so used to that. I am dreading the work. I have never had to work very hard, not because I am smart or anything, but because there was never actually a "goal". Everyone here has that "goal", it being "get into college". I never had that, I knew I was never going to college here so it wasn't even a concern.
But when I get there, I have to strive to try to get into law school or journalism school, because my final exam (kinda like the SAT's) needs to be sky high.
That doesn't mean I'll be stressed, I'll just need to manage my things more carefully than I do now.
Thas it for now.
2004 1 December :: 6.20pm
THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
2. NERDkicksASS (ha, old school)
THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
THREE THINGS YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND:
1. bi polarness
2. people with no sincerity
THREE THINGS THAT ANNOY YOU:
1. when people turn into monsters
2. Assumptions without facts
3. Guys that have no purpose in life but to hook up as much as possible
THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
2. Not returning to Texas
3. Losing everything
THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. The Hulk pj's! HA
2. Fro Val Swater
3. Cloggs... Wow quite a weird ensemble
THREE THINGS ON YOUR DESK:
THREE THINGS YOU SAY THE MOST:
2. WHAT THE FUCK
3. It's because I'm black isn't it
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS AT THE MOMENT:
1. The Killers
2. Maroon 5
3. The Strokes
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITES SONGS AT THE MOMENT:
1. Jenny was a friend of mine- The Killers
2. Penny & Me- Hanson!!!
3. Since you've been gone- Kelly Clarkson
THREE PEOPLE YOU SPEND THE MOST TIME WITH LATELY:
1. The Texas Crew
3. My mom??
THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOUR CLOSE FRIENDS:
1. They're understanding
2. They give great advice
3. They make me laugh all the time.
THREE THINGS YOU WOULD WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1. Someone who understands where I'm coming from and accepts me
2. Strong attraction
THREE THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE/SAME SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
2. Not so many emotions
THREE THINGS YOU CAN'T DO:
1. Anything in gymnastics
3. Not eat
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. Getting drunk
2. Talking to people
3. Hooking up
THREE THINGS YOU WANT REALLY BAD RIGHT NOW:
3. To be in Texas!!!
THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
THREE PLACES YOU WOULD GO ON VACATION:
3. San Francisco
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Find the love of my life
2. Have kids
3. Be happy
I AM: Mette Marstrand-Joergensen
I WANT: a lot of things
I HAVE: a lot of things
I WISH: I was somewhere else right now
I HATE: Wanksters
I FEAR: Losing people
I HEAR: my boooo (song)
I WONDER: if anyone is gonna do a going away party for me
I REGRET: Not hooking up with Chad
I LOVE: Mollie Lerew
I ACHE: my back
I ALWAYS: bite my nails
I AM NOT: fake anymore
I DANCE: NEVER
I SING: right now
I CRY: about sad movies
I AM NOT ALWAYS: the best decision maker
I WRITE: my feelings
I WIN: nothing
I LOSE: book bag all the time
I CONFUSE: some guys...
I NEED: some lovin
I SHOULD: Stop obsessing
YES or NO:
X. YOU KEEP A DIARY: YES
X. LIKE TO COOK: Sometimes
X. YOU HAVE A SECRET YOU HAVE NOT SHARED WITH ANYONE: Yes
X. YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE: Oh yes.
HAVE A CRUSH: Of course
WANT TO GET MARRIED: Yeah
GET MOTION SICKNESS: Always
THINK YOURE A HEALTH FREAK: Not at all
GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS: Sometimes
LIKE THUNDERSTORMS: When with a hot guy ya sure
HAIR COLOR: blonde, I'm so smart!
EYE COLOR: blue
BIRTHPLACE: Gentofte, Denmark
COLOR: bright blue
SONG: "Pass the Courvoisier part II"
CUDDLE OR MAKE OUT: making out
CHOCOLATE MILK and OR HOT CHOCOLATE: hot chocolate
MILK and DARK OR WHITE CHOCOLATE: dark
VANILLA OR CHOCOLATE: chocolate
IN THE LAST 24 HRS and HAVE YOU...
CRIED? A little
HELPED SOMEONE? Yeah, gave someone a ride home
BOUGHT SOMETHING? Ya, lipgloss
GOTTEN SICK? No
GONE TO THE MOVIES? no
GONE OUT FOR DINNER? no
SAID "I LOVE YOU"? No
WRITTEN A REAL LETTER: no
TALKED TO AN EX? No
MISSED AN EX? Nah
WRITTEN IN A JOURNAL? yes
HAD A SERIOUS TALK? Yeah
MISSED SOMEONE? YES!!!!!!
HUGGED SOMEONE? Yeah
FOUGHT WITH YOUR PARENTS? As a matter of fact yes, my mom called me the black sheep of the family
FOUGHT WITH A FRIEND? Nope
Would you ever:
1. Eat a bug? Yeah
2. Bungee jump? Probably
3. Hang glide? Yaaaaaa
4. Kill someone? No
5. Kiss someone of the same sex? Yeah
6. Have sex with someone of the same sex? Maybe
7. Parachute from a plane? No
8. Walk ON hot coals? Yeah
9. Go out with someone for their looks? Prolly a celebrity
10. For their reputation? Not likely
11. Be a vegetarian? I was for four days
12. Wear plaid with stripes? Prolly
13. IM a stranger? definetily
14. Sing Karaoke? yeah for fun
15. Get drunk OFF your ass? Count me in
16 Shoplift? Yeah
17. Run a red light? Yeah
18 Star in a porn video? nope
19. Dye your hair blue? One time sure
20. Be ON Survivor? no
21 Wear makeup in public? ?? Of course
22. Not wear makeup in public? Yeah
23. Cheat ON a test? Yeah
24. Make someone cry? I try not to
25. Date someone more than 10 years older than you? yeah
26. Stay up all night? yeah
Hand Cuffed: no
In Love: yes
In a Fight: yes
Contact Fight: No
In Debt: no
In the hospital: yes, birth
ON illegal drugs: no
ON Tv: yes
ON Probation: no
Under House Arrest: no
Too busy: not really
Used: yes sometimes
Clueless: at times
Dumb: not often
ONE OR THE OTHER
1 Best Friend/100 'friends': best friend
You were rich: I would waste it all in a flash
You were pregnant: I'd have a kid
You were robbed: I'd feel sad
You were deaf: I'd be wack
Any one dream could come true: Happy
You had one wish: I don't know...
2004 6 November :: 11.25am
:: Music: Gwen Dtefani- What You Waiting For
I CAN'T WAIT TO LEAVE THIS FUCKING STINK HOLE.
Honestly, can I start a countdown? Is that alright?
Going to Texas: 18 days
LEAVING: 1 month and 12 days
I'm sorry, I HAD TO DO IT.
2004 2 November :: 6.34pm
God, how I love Woohu sometimes. If I were to write any of this on my xanga, it would blow up in my face, and I would be getting weird looks in the hallway by a certain someone.
I don't know what happened. We were all touchy feely on Halloween, and we probably would have hooked up, if we hadn't both been stubborn at different times during the night.
And fuck this day off! It has done nothing but harm to my thought process. This day to help me supposedly "collect my thoughts" has just put my brain on crack, and I'm dreading a re-boot situation. Just start the whole thing over. Even though I'm not sure if I really messed up.
I feel us drifting apart, and it becoming akward between us. The thing is, I don't even like him, I just thought we could be really good friends- and maybe now he thinks I do like him? And maybe now he's freaking out cause he doesn't like me that way and he thinks I does? It's all very confusing and this is making me look like a stupid girl with too many emotions.
I've been telling myself different things I should do all day. I still don't have a clue what the fuck I am gonna do with this situation.
I could play the "I'm ignoring you" game, and totally ignore him, not even look at him and just play mean but I don't know if I could do that- because I thought he was cool, and I thought we were friends. I don't know if I could put up a wall like that, and it wouldn't be natural- because simply that's not how I feel.
I could confront him on the whole thing and just explain what I'm feeling and why I'm upset. But I'm scared of doing that because he might just ignore it or think I'm crazy. And that would be putting myself on the line, which could end up either saving me or totally destroying me. I'd be so fucking vulnerable.
Then there's the last option- I could act like nothing happened and just flash a smile at him tomorrow, and just be my usual self. I don't know if I could do that, and that might seem fake- in his eyes and mine.
There you see... Totally stuck, no idea what to say or do.
I would like to just say "Fuck him", but do I really mean that? We had fun, I wish we could just be good friends. Is that impossible for a guy. Or is that simply impossible for me because he has a dick, and I think I have to hit on every dick that comes around?
Guys confuse me all the time, even when it only has to do with friendship. I think we really might be different creatures, and maybe men do come from Mars and women from Venus. God, this is crap- we should all just turn lesbian!
2004 31 October :: 1.41pm
I sorta feel like there's nothing around me but him. Like we're the only two creatures on the face of the earth.
I don't even like him like that.
I don't know why.
It's too sunny out.
I'm excited for tonight.
I have to go down and fill up my vodka bottle. I don't kid around.
2004 1 October :: 11.33pm
It's been a while. I've been using xanga a lot more, especially for the school stuff I like getting the comments I get, but with the ultra personal stuff, this is a much better vent.
I started Peer Leadership, which I haven't really talked about a lot. It's actually surprisingly refreshing. The kids are nice, and I think they like me. It's just a nice release, from every other class. I even learn from the activities we do, and I can assure it's a lot more fun than it was when we were all in eighth grade. Can you believe it? Tenth graders. Too weird.
Human, face to face contact with the human interest, very surprising, very amazing. Never will forget it. That's all I have to say about that.
It makes me sad to know that I won't really have any contact with anyone after I move, I might e-mail a few, but maximum two or three. Strangely enough, the people I'm going to miss the most are the people I have known for the shortest amount of time. I don't know if that's good or bad, but it's something to consider.
It makes me scared, because there are some people, again very few, that I will miss, and it's not like I haven't been through this before, but I'm still sad. Just sad. It was great while it lasted though, what can I say?
It makes me sad that I know I won't talk to any of the people I used to be friends with, but I guess I've said enough about that in the previous entries, but never the less it's not a fun thing. It doesn't bug me anymore, but I am just realizing the pity of it all.
Some people do homework on a Friday night, never understood that- I, on the other hand, had a blast.
I suppose that's it.
Going to the football game tomorrow. Who knows, sparks might fly. Or maybe not...
Don't expect so much out of a situation.
With a bang,
2004 16 September :: 4.16pm
:: Music: N*Sync- Bye Bye Bye
God, that made me feel like shit. I couldn't catch my breath for a couple of minutes, I felt like I would never be able to breathe again. Nothing should make me feel like that. That's the kind of thing that really makes me want to leave, as fast as possible, but then there are other things that keep me going.
Maybe one of us should just press 'delete'.
I think there's something wrong with me. No one wants to be around me it seems.
I've been frozen out.
Another good day has been crushed.
And I was right. The problems I thought I would have, are still here. No one lets anything go these days.
Not that I hate school, I like it. Some people just don't know how to behave.
I had a dream about you, I wish school was back in session tomorrow. But it's not, I'll have to wait til' monday.
2 failures |
2004 15 September :: 5.44pm
Have I been replaced? I don't like that. I'm not jealous, just sad, I just feel so unloved.
But... She will be loved.
2004 14 September :: 7.01pm
:: Music: Queen- I Want To Break Free
It does bother me, I admit it. Not as much as it has, I think I have another mentality now. But it does get under my skin.
But that's ok, I can live with it. The rest of my day is good.
I love this little charade we're all addicted to. I love the looks we all give each other. The innocence, and the realization that it's playful and fun. I love how I get to dress up in the morning. It's just like being a kid again, and I love it.
And it's weird even though all the hot seniors left, it seems that boys are just appearing out of nowhere. Maybe because we're all growing older, and better looking (hopefully).
Guys you never noticed, guys that never noticed you. It's all changing.
And you know how I feel about change.
Boys, boys, boys.
I LOVE IT!
Thank God for the Jews, you can kiss thursday and friday good-bye,
2004 13 September :: 6.31pm
:: Music: Wheatus- Teenage Dirtbag
AG & AS
It doesn't matter how hard you try to block something out, you can always hear it buzzing in the background. I don't believe in that theory, just to make yourself happy and not to worry about anything else, TINA, haha. Don't worry, babe, it's not a personal attack!
I just think that sometimes people step all over you, cross a certain boundary, treat another person like garbage, and so on. That's wrong. We should all take care of each other, because we live in this world together. When I'm in need, you help me. And when you're in need I help you.
That isn't, that you can't stand alone. Everyone should be independent to some point, everyone should be able to walk through the halls without someone on either side. But most people are. Most people know how to be independent.
We all think we know how to be happy, but there are just some days where you can't block out the bad stuff, and only focus on the good. Sometimes the bad stuff overwhelms the good stuff so intensly, and washes the good stuff out.
I'm trying just to shrug it off, not to listen to it I guess, but it's hard. I don't know if it's the right method or anything, we'll see how it works. It's all about seeing what's right for you as a person.
As long as my school day does not turn sour as a whole, I'll be fine. I miss my schedule from last year all of a sudden, there were no "bad" periods. This year there are.
I love this little thing we have going. I can't figure it out yet, I can never figure it out really, but I like it. It's innocent, harmless fun and it's very comfortable. It makes me feel good, is all. And nothing's wrong with that.
Good day to you.
1 failure |
2004 10 September :: 10.32pm
:: Music: Mr. Hollander and his WONDEROUS band
Forget what I said before, at least for now, because it all doesn't matter. I was choosing to feel uncomfortable, I don't even have to feel that way.
I love football games, love them so much. It's such a different atmosphere, at night, with everyone there. I love how outside of school hours you can do whatever you want. Talk to people you don't usually talk to, and so on. I really got to see some new faces, and go back to the past with some old faces. It was great. I am very excited about homecoming! I thought this was homecoming, but I have just been informed- that it is not.
Love everything right now, GO PANTHERS!
2 failures |
2004 10 September :: 5.04pm
:: Music: Wham- Last Christmas
Maybe It Is Me
Just as I determined that it wasn't me, just as I convinced myself that there is nothing wrong with me, I must re-consider that thought.
I don't know if that's exactly how I feel, if that's why I feel like shit, but I know- even as no one reads this- that if I write something about specific people in this thing, I'll have a knife in my back and a chorus singing different tales infront of me before you know it.
I'll just say this; I got my expectations up way too high. I thought it would be different this year.
But let's face it, it all remains the same.
I still feel vulnerable to the same problems, still get crushed by the same people. I was looking forward to changing it, but I feel so lost. So helpless and and uncomfortable.
Sometimes I am the energizer buddy. But then once the energy gets drained out of me, I am totaly lifeless. Like a puppet without the strings.
Some days you're the dog, and some days you're the hydrant I guess.
That was just to make myself feel better. Where's the release when I need it?
2004 8 September :: 7.41pm
:: Music: Simple Plan- I'm Just A Kid
We're At It Again
Nothing has changed, everything remains the same. I don't like it. I guess for some it's a comfort zone, but for me it's just seeing the same faces, the same stares, the same goddamn situation.
I don't believe in change, I don't believe that anyone is able to change themselves around completely.
And I can't relate, I just don't get it. I receive mixed messages like explosions.
All my old conflicts, my old insecurities, my old feelings have returned and they have scared the hell out of me. Because they're not haunting me anymore now, you see...
They're killing me.
Softly. Because it's real now.
2004 7 September :: 6.09pm
:: Music: Chicago- If You Leave Me Now
The End (if I can...)
Why is it that I can never just wrap anything up? Just finito, finished, done. I can't do it.
I couldn't end school, I can't end summer. I haven't even ended California yet, which litereally is PATHETIC. Because California, my trip to California, ended about three weeks ago.
Just let it go. Just fucking let go.
Does school really start tomorrow? Because it jumped on me so suddenly. I'm not ready. I couldn't feel less ready.
It's time for school, pack your bag, and grab your lunch.
Say hello to mr., say hello to mrs.
Because it's real now, it's true now.
The problems have returned.
Do you want to stab my back, just to make sure I can really feel it?
I woke up it was 7
I waited till 11
Just to figure out that no one would call
I think i got a lot of friends but I don't hear from them
What's another night all alone?
When your spending everyday on your own
And here it goes...
2004 29 August :: 11.30pm
:: Music: Maroon 5- Tangled
I didn't mean to delete the last entry, it was a mistake. A simple little mistake.
I want so bad to be comfortable in my own skin. I want so bad to understand and accept my self. I want to walk through the halls and feel secure with myself, at least to a certain degree. And my mind keeps whispering things in my ear, but one thing dominates the noise, "Just be yourself". That's my problem...
But we all want so much.
My unhealthy relationship takes over every time. Because I think that distance fixes things. I allow myself to believe, that everything can be fixed for a simple memory loss. Or at least blocking out that memory.
I once again, am fooling myself, into thinking that once I move, I can start fresh. My conscience, my mind, my body hates it when people know everything, because that way people can hold judgement against you. And I hate the first day of school at an OLD school, because my old memories, my old terrors, the things I left behind somewhere, return and dump the coldest bucket of water on my head. Maybe that's why I feel myself around strangers. And like a stranger around myself...
I think even though as my experiences outlast other people's experiences at some point, my self understanding and my feeling towards a habitat, a niche, a home is low. And I'm not sure I'll ever really have a home to call my own.
I guess I have more self-related problems than I thought.
I wasn't even going to write about this, but it forced itself out.
And it's not even self pity, that's the funny thing, I just long for confidence.
1 failure |
2004 6 August :: 6.10pm
:: Music: Lenny Kravitz- California
Lemon lime, waste of time
Say goodbye to the midnight smile.
He was nothing but a slice of pie.
His eyes were naughty for the naughty films
You wasted breath, for the man of stranger.
Now heís nothing but a glimpse of heaven
Thus donít know why youíre wasting time.
So wave farewell to Mr. Man.
Cause baby,Ö He ainít coming back.
Going to Cali sunday, should be a good time.
3 days, lads and gents, that is how long this crush lasted. Please, hold your applause until the end.
Alright, you can clap now.
I meant it. Clap.
3 failures |
2004 4 August :: 4.18pm
:: Music: Mase- Welcome Back
A crush. Isn't that just the most wonderous thing? There is nothing better in the world, not that i know of anyway, than a nice, innocent crush.
This is the first harmless crush I've had in a while, which I suppose is a positive thing.
I want him.
I want him.
I want him.
His name is Matt... Ironic isn't it? I hate that name.
1 failure |
2004 2 August :: 4.30pm
:: Music: Ashlee Simpson- Shadow
A dream is like a drug, and this ain't no drug. This is so present, and I'm so grounded.
I see myself completely alone, walking down the halls. Maybe I did care all these years, without knowing it. Maybe I did care what others thought of me, and maybe I did- and still do- need the friends that really aren't there. I'm just not as independent as I thought, is all.
I had a mental breakdown too, the other day. Saturday, I think it was. I'm not a whiner, but if one person looks me in the eye when I'm breaking, I'm sold- the tears flush down my face, at the fastest pace.
I want to go back so bad. My whole body is aching, burning, pushing toward home. This isn't my home. It's hard living in a place, that wasn't meant for you. It's like forcing my body into a size 24, it just doesn't fit.
There's a fine line between alone and independent...
2 failures |
2004 29 July :: 8.07pm
:: Music: the deafening silence
I just crave to write. My only friend. Everytime I'm about to write, I check when I last wrote. I have no life, why pretend as if I am too busy to write in this thing. Cause I'm not.
No one has a fairy tale life. But I'm such a waste of perfectly fine soul, body, and spirit. I'm taking up all the good air everyone else should be enjoying. I wait for the minutes to pass infront of me, so aware of time, it's almost sickening.
I await better times, and I await times to look forward to. My life is like Las Vegas, you never know whether you'll win or lose.
I wish I was a bubble, I wish I could just pop. I'm so sick of living.
2 failures |