know how sublime a thing is :
to suffer and be strong

- longfellow

 

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HollishDanishM

:: 2004 28 July :: 11.17pm
:: Music: Three Days Grace-

My Confession
No one ever really says their final goodbye. Neither did I, as much as people want to forget, they always seem to forget to throw out a simple little piece. Even the tiniest bit of memory, will make people remember.

I always thought it was important, having people read your journal. But this is my sanctuary, and that's fine. I'm ok with that. It'll be my dirty little secret.

I know I sound extreme, but she's my like my confession booth sometime. It's like she softens all my flaws, and after that everything just seems so easy and fair, and I know exactly what to do. I appreciate it more than you know. Thanks.

I know I'm strong and independent, and now it's just me. I don't need anyone.

be daring


HollishDanishM

:: 2004 19 June :: 6.52pm

Where Have All the Woohuers Gone?
Good-bye to Woohu I say, it's been a good ass time. I do not have any family left at this wonderful place, so with this I leave you.
Thank you!

www.xanga.com/dirtydanish

You know I love you,

HollishDanishM

be daring


HollishDanishM

:: 2004 18 June :: 11.33pm
:: Music: Sugarcult- Memory

There's 7 months until my sixteenth, which is sorta scary.
I know we take so many people for granted, every day, every week, every month, every year, every life time. I know that. But then I surprise myself, and I truly get really happy about myself in those moments, that as much as I might not appreciate the good around me- there is one person I have never taken for granted, my brother.
Tonight, when I was watching television, and my brother was on the floor next to me, playing and talking to himself I looked at him and I just hugged him. Honestly, that little face can just make me so happy. I know it's bad to be dependable on a person like that, but I don't know what I'd do without him. He's my gift from God, no one knows how much he means- but he really does. He's my everything.
And then he looked at me and I said to him "Peter, promise me you won't ever die." Because for some reason I just got so scared that he'd die just right there, in that moment. Of course he laughed, closed his eyes, and stuck out his tongue pretending he was dead, but I really meant it. There are these moments in life, where you know things can fall apart. That's one of them; my world would sink, turn black, lose all color, start bleeding like an open wound, whatever you want to call it; that's what it would be like. It's just scary to think that one person has so much effect on one's life. It's so beautiful, yet it could be ruined and destroyed so easily. It's a scary thought.

"And as you began returning, I shut all my windows, and folded down the blinds, and I made sure you would not come into my world, just for that moment, yet you floated in through my emotions and slept with me all night and forever."

be daring


HollishDanishM

:: 2004 17 June :: 8.09pm

When we were both standing there, and I was looking better than I usually do, I should have made my move. There are so many chances we miss. There are so many negatives that could have turned positives, had we only taken control from the beginning. Maybe if I had put on lipgloss, walked over there, licked my lips, and looked at him- would he have cared? We would have driven away together. And now I'll never see him again. I missed my chance, and will never have it back. Even if nothing would have happened.
I feel like I'm wasting myself sometimes. There are so many things I could be doing, yet instead I rot away in so many irrelevant places where no one needs me anyway. I should do something for once, make myself useful, instead of just waiting for the commercials to leave me alone. And of course they never do.
I wish I didn't feel like such a stranger sometimes. Sometimes I just feel I am not a regular teenager. I don't know why. It's like I don't belong anywhere. I feel so out of place, I hope that some day I'll step foot on some foreign place, and I'll know, I'll just know that this is where I am supposed to be.
This is where I'll die in peace.

I'll go grab a Cosmo, qu'est-ce que le point?

be daring


HollishDanishM

:: 2004 14 June :: 5.59pm
:: Music: D12- How Come

My Journal- Wandering Mind
I've been writing in this goddamn thing everyday these past few weeks, yet whose problem is it but my own.
I just realized something, there is no one I will truly miss when I leave. I'm being brutally honest, and I don't want anyone coming down hard on me, because this is my journal, and like Tina said, I should be able to express whichever feeling I feel. Anyway, back to the topic, it's kind of depressing. After building up friendships these past few years, it won't mean anything when I move back. I do appreciate the friends I made though, it was special while it lasted- and it's still lasting, don't give up on me please. Not just yet.
I know I talk about it often, and I know it might not seem a big deal to many, but I hate my father. It's my journal, I'm expressing what I feel- and so it should be.
It was hard living, trying to prove a guilty man innocent, trying to prove to the world that my father was a hero; that he was admirable. All that time, the dissapointments kept coming. Way to dissapoint your little girl. And she loved you so much.
Yet, now as I accept it and it becomes easier to deal with, I just boil up with anger because with all these acceptions and realizations, I discover that he never cared, I was just a sacrifice, he was forced to make in order to get his claws around my mother. And they are divorced. I'm glad I was born, really I am, but it's not exactly jolly when you find out that your dad never cared, he never wanted you. You were just a sacrifice.
I'm complaining, and even as I will regret saying this- I would him rather be dead, than alive. You might say i should try and fix things, patch things up maybe, but I have tried. He doesn't care.
My father is a fucking asshole. As much as you might hate your father as well, it's different. And you might as well just accept that.

be daring


HollishDanishM

:: 2004 13 June :: 8.33pm
:: Music: Usher- Burn (those calories...)

Twas a Day
I've been feeling rather akward these past few days.
Sometimes I feel so pointless. I feel pointless for writing in this journal, because no one reads it, at the maximum about two, or maybe not even... It never seemed to matter much before, before it always seemed I was only writing it for myself. But it would be a hell of a lot easier to use a regular paperback diary, instead of the phony one on here- because really are we able, mentally and physcially, to put all of our true feelings on this public web page? I didn't think so.
You know that feeling you have sometimes, you're stuffed but you still have the desire to eat something? It has been haunting me all day today, and I currently feel like either throwing up- or ripping my stomach open. I can feel leftovers in the middle of my throat, not a good sign I like to think.
Ha, I just saw a ghost at the end of my street, but then it started moving and I realized it was the obese neighbor next door. Society doesn't seize to dissapoint me.
Even as this weekend might have been uneventful, I've been overwhelmed my decisions and thoughts.
My father, for example, sent me an e-mail about three days ago, and silly me- I still have not replied. I am procrastinating, but I cannot drag it on much longer, or he will come after me with a stick. Or well... Some other object.
I was informed that my stepfather, Matthieu, has been offered a promotion, does he go back to Eindhoven, The Netherlands. He has accepted, and off we go. Not until next summer though, not to worry. Not too sure whether I am telling myself that, or others. Actually, I am looking forward to it. It's been a real drain, living so far away from your family, and this way I will be able to visit Denmark more often- without getting caught up in too much Marstrand drama. And I will be able to live a lot more independently, not having my parents lurr around me like hungry police dogs. Oh, and the best one ultimately, I will be able to drink a lot more.
Don't worry about me, I'm fine.

As the world turns,

*Mette

1 failure | be daring


HollishDanishM

:: 2004 10 June :: 5.12pm
:: Music: Jay Z- 99 Problems

And you ask why I'm judging you?
I understand, I realize, that it is good to be different; and even if others might not always understand, you know they are attracted. You know you have something that others don't, you know you've experienced things others haven't.
It's not relevant to others, it is usually taken for granted because it does not exist as an issue, but for me it has always been been the voice in the back of my head. Each time I am about to jump into something, about to put my everything into it, it pulls me back. I do not have a permanent living solution. I always look over my shoulder, to make sure everythins is alright; because I know that it can all be over, in a split second.
It is not all bad. Usually, there are positives and negatives to a situation. If I despise a place, am bored, or simply am not satisfied in my living situation, I could be gone like "that". But what if I am the happiest I could ever be, and someone taps my shoulder. It could be gone instantly.
Talk of China, talk of Denmark, talk of Holland, talk of Spain, talk of somewhere else in New York. It never ends.
And my father thinks I'm crazy for wanting to see my best friend...?

be daring


HollishDanishM

:: 2004 8 June :: 9.55pm
:: Music: Kevin Lyttle- Turn Me On

Force- end it.
I am forcing myself to post, not that I needed to- I posted about two days ago. For some reason it's been rather difficult to end this year, especially really "sealing the deal" and just ending it, with a final good-bye. I'm attempting, I really am- don't kill me though, I'm only human.
Today, during Harry Potter, I really had to urinate- badly- and I obviously got up and started walking to the bathroom. Outside the movie I did notice a large group of disabled people, and I continued my quest for the bathroom. Once outside the bathroom I turned the handle and stepped inside. I have never been so scared in my entire life. In the middle of the bathroom, not in the stall, a senior disabled woman is standing, pants at her ankles. Luckily, she was wearing an oversized t-shirt, and I did not catch a climpse of her private parts. I turned aorund on my heels, and ran. I repeat never have I been that scared.
There is no moral to this story, it is just the first time in a very long time that I have been truly terrified about anything.
Even as many things are still a maze, and even if I may have much unsolved business, my year was partially ended. Driving down Central Avenue, and bumping into Matt and Danny. It summarized my whole year, and it felt good. I knew it was over at that point.
So with that, I leave you.
Thank you everyone, everyone who made my school year crappy, who made it amazing, and who had no effect. In the end it makes me who I am.
A final applause, it's been real, it's been fake.

Good-bye,

Mette, Marsh, Jeeb, Mista, Big Bird, Your Genious.

be daring


HollishDanishM

:: 2004 6 June :: 6.40pm
:: Music: Bumblebeez 81- Pony Ride

Refresh Me
I believe in the evil in people. I know when I'm trying to talk to a person, whom I usually never communicate with, I try to be pleasant and nice- but I would love to just walk away. Walk away to the people I know how to communicate with. Things like these, they keep you in a box. It's not even society shaping it, it's you. You're the one closing it up.
I believe in the evil of people. Don't we all just love to backstabb people, criticize left and right, and lie constantly? Sometimes I believe that I am different, but in the end I find out that obviously- I'm not. Sometimes it's just unbelievable to think about how many people you hurt in a day.
I believe in change, I really do. People change, culture changes, society changes. It just seems that we should all have a common ground, a set of morals, that we follow. When you start to leave those behind too, that's where you start dissapointing me. When you start doing things, I knew you would never do. I KNEW. But you proved me wrong. You prove me wrong each and every day.
I see nothing of the same old you, in your soul anymore. It's hard to watch.
It's like watching someone take a dive. Closer and closer, until you hear that splash. And you're gone...

1 failure | be daring


HollishDanishM

:: 2004 2 June :: 4.20pm
:: Music: Lenny Kravitz- Where Are We Runnin'?

Finito
Is it ok to run away from your problems sometimes? Because I am 'this' close to doing so.
Am I ugly?
I don't think anyone really cares. I'm still looking, looking for that person whom I know will always be there. Not just sometimes, not a false promise, a real person to actually care about me. I know I'm being selfish. Why am I dragged away from all the good things? You don't realize how difficult it is, going to a new school, and not knowing the language. You don't know how hard it is, trying to trust your newly found friends, and then have them rip your back open. You don't know how difficult it is to not consider your childhood country, your rock anymore. You don't realize how fucking hard it is to not have your own biological father ever there, you don't know how much I go through. You don't know how hard it is to live away from your family, the people that support you no matter what. And guess what? IT WASN'T MY CHOICE. Sometimes, it's ok to feel sorry for yourself, I know I do sometimes. Because really--- it's not easy.
Why is it so hard to back someone up for once?
I'm trying to give someone my friendship.
And actually, no, I'm not being a hypocrite. I might have made mistakes, also in friendships, but never would I let someone step all over someone I considered a friend.
NEVER.
I'm not telling lies.
I'm so fucking sincere, and you don't believe me?

be daring


HollishDanishM

:: 2004 31 May :: 8.29pm
:: Music: Some cheesy graduation song

It's devastating
Honestly, when I look back on my woohu entries from this past year, I recognize how stupid I've been, the mistakes I've made, and how fake I've been, and how much I've tried to make a new image for myself. I'm not it doing anymore. From now on I want to just be honest with everyone, and mostly with myself. It always happens to me, towards the end of something I realize my wrongdoings, and I don't have enough time to fix any of them. Oh Well... What do you do?
This is not my "end of year" entry, I'm not ready for that one yet- but it's just an introduction to it.
I am sad, almost devastated, thinking about next year. The seniors are leaving. I know I'm not friends with any of them, for those who have to remind me of my social rank, but it just makes me so sad. I know I seem shallow saying this, but I will miss all the hot guys leaving. Especially JF, I could just say his name but I have just grown accustomed to using this name, so forever it will stay this way. He has just made my last couple of months, just getting to look at him everyday was breathtaking, and I will miss it, I'll miss him.
For some reason, keeping in mind that I have never had any sort of contact with him, I am glad we don't know each other. It allows me to have my own, personal fantasy.
Let me just thank the rest of the hot senior boys too, it was valuable, the few glances I got to cast at you all. It's depressing.
Maybe we should just start this year over?

2 failures | be daring


HollishDanishM

:: 2004 30 May :: 10.37pm
:: Music: Tom Jones- Burning Down the House

fakedy fake
I deleted the entry I had posted before, it wasn't me. For anyone who caught a glimpse of it, I was just trying to sound cool- it isn't me. Why should I be trying to convince people, that I am not who they think I am. I like the person I have grown into, most of the time anyway, why change it. I know that there are people out there who have a better sense of writing, a more interlectual side of thinking, that I am always trying to fuse from them, but it doesn't mean anything. Sometimes it's not so much what you write, it's what you feel.
We always nag people for the fakeness they pocess, but really we are all just as fake. I faked my journal entry, you faked your loyalty to someone, it's all the same in the end.
I was just watching Degrassi, for anyone wondering there is a marathon going on right now. This episode was the one where Craig's abusive father dies. I remembered watching it before, but I never really thought about it much. I remember before I was mainly just like "Wow, that could never happen." "No dad is really like that, mentally or physically". But isn't it funny, how your opinion can change so drastically the second time around? That always happens to me. Even if your soul hasn't changed, I think your brain expands constantly. Even if I cannot and will not compare my relationship with my father, to Craig's relationship with his father, it's not so far-fetched.
I would like to say that I tried with my dad, that I really, truly tried to connect with him emotionally. But that would be lying, and lying is against God's will, and I am not one to disagree with God. I just always felt, and still do to this day, that he is the one to gain my trust. He lost it, I didn't.
I know a lot of people do not have very good relationships with their fathers, but that's not so much it; I don't feel like I know my dad. I don't even think it's the Atlantic Ocean between us. There is this big clump, that either of us needs to break. And it is not going to be me.
I feel him slipping away. When you're a little dumbass you don't notice.
"Daddy, pleaaaaase I really want it." That's all it was. It wasn't a relationship, but it wasn't a burden either.
As much as I don't need my dad, there are just certain aspects of my life I wish we did share. Doesn't every girl want a dad?
It's getting really hard. It's getting really hard.
I remember, when I was younger, and I would stick up for my dad. In any situation. He never did any good, but I made it good. I could make anything alright in my mind.
I got so jealous when Ms. Frei was talking wonders about her father. I got madly jealous. My dad has nothing, except a huge chunk of change, that could make me admire him. He was the one person I trusted to be my hero, my one person to look up to, and he dissapointed me. Millions of times.
I know it doesn't sound like a big deal, but it is. To those of you (the few who are reading this) who feel that they are in a similar situation, I feel for you. I really do.
That was blood honest entry. I hope you enjoyed it. It was uncensored, un cut. That was just me.
Knock knock,
Met

1 failure | be daring


HollishDanishM

:: 2004 26 May :: 5.28pm
:: Music: N.E.R.D- Brain

I didn't...
I didn't want to go to school today or anything. As powerless and weak as I might be, I can predict evil and good. I fear in my mind that something doesn't feel right, and I am always proved right. It's so hard to keep a positive mindset, when you're never proven wrong. At least in that sense. As much as I convinced myself that 9th grade camp had been a fun experience, it wasn't. It was horrible. It broke me apart. It was from there every glass started shattering.
You might think the self-pity is taking over. You might think I only think of myself, but that is where you're wrong. If I don't, no one will. I know there are people that care, but everyone dissapoints you. Everyone.
I bite back at my anger, I hurt my anger more than I hurt myself. When I vommit, I keep the vommit back, it doesn't have power over me. Neither does anger. But you start feeling so sick, and it only really feels good when it's over with.
When I start crying, I am never allowed to just cry. I am always held back, always held back. I don't allow myself to get everything out. I don't allow myself the pleasure.
There is only one person who can help me through my anger and frustration.
No one knows how to say
That they're sorry and don't worry
I'm not telling lies.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
-Mette

I used to hate it when my stepmother would assign our seats at the dinner table. My dad would sit on one side, she would sit across from my dad, and I'd sit next to her. That was the moment I realized that I didn't belong, that I didn't belong in the land where I was born. And that my dad wasn't my dad, he was just man who had helped produce me. I still hate it.

p.s. I know it's bright.

4 failures | be daring


HollishDanishM

:: 2004 25 May :: 4.43pm
:: Music: Limp Bizkit- Behind Blue Eyes

Attached
You're such a puppet master. You're taking advantage of me. You won't let me move, and you allow me nothing but the stage. Nothing but the people looking up, laughing at me.
"Look at that silly girl."
They'll say.
"He has her attached to strings."
They'll say. You don't care though, you're giving me falsehood, nothing but falsehood. It's so wrong that you dangle scissors infront of me, and everytime I'm 'this' close, you pull them away. It's not right. You wonder why I'm not happy, why I hate you, and you don't realize. You don't realize how caught up I am, in you. Like a prey caught in a spider's web. You want me to stay with you, yet when you're faced with the responsibilities; you drop me like a rock.
I hate you for it.
It's not fucking funny anymore, it's not the slightest bit amusing. You might as well kill me, it's like I am dead already. You just killed me, and you did it slowly. So slowly... With no mercy. No mercy.
I just wanna run away, I can't stand it anymore. I'm about to have a mental breakdown.
And all you can say is "w/e".
It's not a joke.
You won. I give up, you won. Hands down, humiliated, without dignity I'll walk out. Just leave me alone. Just leave me be.

1 failure | be daring


HollishDanishM

:: 2004 22 May :: 10.46pm
:: Music: Rugrats Theme Song

It's orgasmic baby
Just as a last good-bye, has anyone noticed how amazingly sexy Angela's father, Graham, is in "My So-Called Life". I am developing a celebrity crush, but let's just ponder over this: he was about 45 I'd say when the show was taped, about 10 years ago, which means he's about 55 now. Actually, when you think about it, it really isn't that bad. Anyone have the same feelings for GRAHAM?

be daring


HollishDanishM

:: 2004 22 May :: 1.55pm
:: Music: Maria Mena- You're the Only One

Just securing my happiness...
Firstly, definetily firstly, thank you greatly to Twista for making my day yesterday, probably even my week. I really felt that we really got caught up, it was great being with you. I almost forgot how great friends we really are, but it has been restated in my mind now. Thanks, I really mean it. Not that this week was bad or miserable in any sort of way, but Friday night was just better. And also, thank you Deborah, Irina, and Samantha for letting Twista and I stalk you for a couple of minutes. It might have been short, but it was ultra satisfying.
Love & Hate,
Mista

be daring


HollishDanishM

:: 2004 21 May :: 5.26pm
:: Music: Jojo- Leave

I hate you
And I hate how I've fallen back into the cirle, and I hate how absence does nothing for any feeling, it just makes it more powerful.
You can't force love, and you can't force it to leave either. It sometimes comes at the craziest times, with the craziest people.
I wish I could be more dominant, and change the fact that I have fallen for you all over again...

be daring


HollishDanishM

:: 2004 18 May :: 9.03pm
:: Music: My heart beating... To me, that's music

I don't know why
As soon as it all is reborn, I feel the exact same feeling I felt then. I start sweating (and I never sweat), my heart start beating very quickly, and I choose my words very carefully, almost afraid that he'll slip away. He is the only person I have ever felt truly insecure around, he's the only person I have ever wanted to impress. I really do think I loved him.
I hate how he hasn't changed, and how I see that right off. I hate that I probably haven't changed either, and that all this time away from each other's claws did not change anything.
I despise the fact that it is all about to begin over new. It's not that I still like him, I couldn't, but he will always have a special place right there in my heart...
As much as he might have ruined my life at some point, I know that I will remember him forever. I'll be able to tell my grandkids, my sad pathetic story of why; of why, why oh why.

be daring


HollishDanishM

:: 2004 18 May :: 5.47pm
:: Music: Ooh, your body girl. Don't know the rest of it...

You gotta have it
For some reason, I am having a certain woohu craving these days. It's almost like the old days, it's rather comforting.
I just discovered today, how hard it is when there is something you would really want to talk about, but there is no one who will support you completely. There was only one person I know would understand, but it's too complicated. I wish school wasn't so hectic sometimes, I wish you could just stop and have a reasonable conversation with someone for once. I knew she'd understand, but I didn't have the chance to. It's rather comforting though that even though things might not be the same, I know this is just one of those things I think she would be the only person to support me on fully. I hope...

be daring


HollishDanishM

:: 2004 16 May :: 7.42pm
:: Music: Ma ja, ik heb geen bananen...

It just started dripping, and it got wet and he just laughed
Some things are just too beautiful. It's like when you're looking at something, and it's just the picture of utter perfect beauty, and you start doubting it almost immediately. I do that all the time, I want to touch it, because it seems so unreal. I love it and despise it at the same time. Sometimes I wish someone would just ruin it, don't you?
It's growing old, but I love new atmospheres. I barely see it, but it just makes me so happy. Everything's so easy. I never realized how uptight Americans are sometimes. Drinking a beer or two (or ten) on the street for once, was refreshing. Getting drunk, and the elders not glaring at you as if you have just killed their unborn child, was also something I think I missed, without ever really having it.
I don't know, I just wanna go back...
Oh, and I took that quizilla quiz everyone's raging about. It's surprising how much your birth month says about you. Check it out, it's slightly terrifying. At least to me...
Is everyone getting themselves ready for The European Championships in soccer this year? I'm not too sure if Denmark is playing, but I know Holland is. It's good to have two countries that I am able to root for. I hope you will tune in, because really; it is one of the greatest things in the world. And to outmost joy, the United States are not playing, for obvious reasons. As much as I love 'em, they just... plain... SUCK.

be daring


HollishDanishM

:: 2004 11 May :: 6.05pm
:: Music: Jojo- Leave (a 13-year old slut, what's happening?)

It's time...
It's time for another woohu visit.
Something so sincere always proves out to be evil and mean in the end. And you realize... It never was sincere at all.
Oh, and when is this fake charade going to end? You need to step up to bat, and hit that sucker, you can't just stay in the batting cage forever. And you know that too. It's your responsibility, not mine.

be daring


HollishDanishM

:: 2004 6 May :: 10.42pm
:: Mood: buzzed

tipsy
It's a woohu explosion.
I hate getting into arguements, where you know you're wrong from the beginning. You know you're wrong, yet you can't stand to prove yourself wrong. People have a hard time understanding, that sometimes there are just things that have to be left out in the open, and you will never be able to prove yourself right. Never. It's so frustrating too, you just want something to go your way so bad sometimes, even if you know that you're being a bitch. It's soo easy to let the self awareness take over the time. You know we're all shallow bitches deep down anyway.
But let's keep a positive mind set, touchez?
It is one thing, that we all let our emotions go overboard sometimes. It's another to let pity around the block a few too many times. It's so unhealthy to feel true pity towards yourself, it needs to stop. Quit it, just quit it. Sometimes the best thing is to just let the past be the past, and just focus on what makes you happy, even it it may not be much...
By the way, this feeling is so good. Sometimes getting piss drunk is just too much, and you wake up the next morning in your old make up wondering what happened. This is great, especially on a thursday.

be daring


HollishDanishM

:: 2004 1 May :: 6.31pm
:: Music: Jay Z- Dirt Off Your Shoulder

nice times
Very refreshing day yesterday. For once I think I will just write what I did, for once- it is actually really simply and nice to do, and it's fun to look back on and read. It was especially great to reconcile with people, I missed everyone.
First, I picked Tina up from Anu's, and we went to the premiere of "Mean Girls" together. That movie really taught me about what girls can really be like. As much as it is overdone, and as fake as it might have been at times it just shows you that girls can be so vicious and evil towards each other. From now on, I will not backstabb anyone, the consequences are just horrible. Ha, who am I kidding...
Anyway, after that we met Priya and her friend at McDonalds, that was fun. And then I kicked Tina's ass infront of this hot black guy, and he "chuckled".
After that, Dorina picked Tina and I up and we went to Scarsdale village to get some sushi, which was very delicious. I think that Japanese waitress dfinetily agreed with us, that Tina looks like Quasi. Then we walked to Haagendazs, and on the way these guys started talking to us from their car, and they just would not get the hint. I kept telling them that we were 7th graders, but they didn't seem to understand. To make up for the lack of understanding, one of them thre an egg at my head. Oh, well eggs are good for your hair... We then got some ice cream, and Dorina's dad picked us up and I got a ride home. After that, Gil called me and I went to hang out with him and friends for an hour or so. And for the first time I actually sneaked out of my house, it was extremely satisfying, I assure you, it will not be the last! It's actually strange how I never sneaked out before, there was just never a real oppertunity. Then I went home at around 12, and just watched tv until falling asleep, and having a nice... Peaceful night.
Shake that shit,
Mette

be daring


HollishDanishM

:: 2004 28 April :: 4.52pm
:: Music: Britney S- Everything

Realizations made...
Sometimes it takes a person so long to realize the wrong doings one has made. It is such a burden too. Things can just build up, until it finally clashes on you. An apple can only stay up for so long. All falls down. It feels like shit, there is no other word for it. It is almost like someone ripped out half your inner organs, and ate them infront of you. Only much, much worse. We all get overboard sometimes, and the consequences are so horrifying, we can't bare watching it. Just makes you flinch. I wish people would just let a person know beforehand, I wish someone would have just told her, so she didn't feel so caught off guard. I don't feel sorrow, but my heart aches for the pain I know she is feeling. But I know she is wrong. And deep down, I think you know you are wrong too. Instead of just admitting your mistake, you should try to make up for it. Everyone makes mistakes, but after a few flaws here and there, a realization should be made that it is time to do something about it. Tell people you're sorry, and if they don't forgive you, you should know- that it is your fault. It is only your fault. But not only am I dissapointed in you, which has already torn me apart. I am truly ashamed of myself as well. I was the person to have let you know. I was your good consciense, and it was my duty to help you. Instead, I just looked away and let it unscramble before my eyes.
As this started out being a general message to the few reading this, it turned into something else. One of the most personal pieces of writing I have ever written.
My finger is reaching the delete button, but my relief is just too dominant.
I'm sorry. I really am.

be daring


HollishDanishM

:: 2004 26 April :: 7.39pm
:: Music: Silence... For once

Painless Hate
Maybe you should try judging yourself, before you let the words escape your mouth. Instead of repeating the wrongs and rights of the people around us, which we all find ourselves doing, we should try to just look at ourselves- who the fuck do you see yourself as?

I just need some love, I just need for someone to accept me and love me forever. I am not one to trust anyone, but I always try, and I always will keep trying. People are sinful, people are wrong, but people- as life- are wonderful. I love myself, I love my enemies, I love the world- even as it might seem like true, fearless hate at certain times.

I'm so bi polar, I think I'm crazy.
I LOVE this journal, NO I FUCKING HATE IT. You get the point.
Remember,
M&M

be daring


HollishDanishM

:: 2004 22 April :: 8.48pm
:: Music: B Spears- Everytime

I love George
This is what it is.
We learned how to behave. We were taught how to greet Daddy's boss when he came over, they taught us not to eat with our mouths full, and we all know to eat with a knife and fork. Society even teaches us how to treat others, with certainty and respect. But really, is that all there is to it?
If we follow all the rules, we can do nothing wrong, and God shall always listen. Or are we all allowed to develop our own theories, correct our own flaws, and do we recevie 2nd chances. It just seems as if we are kept inside a box sometimes, and the walls remain rock hard. It won't matter how much we pound on it, we only have so much power, until we give in to the upper strength. Rules are being broken as we speak, as society changes. The lies and the changes keep multiplying. Still, there will always be certain rules that we all seem to follow, and that we always have followed. When the hijackers attacked New York on Sept 11., were they wrong and unjust... Or, were they just smarter than us? Were they just further ahead?
It's like ketchup on pancakes, it's like blondes with brains.
Think about it,
Yours,
Met Met

2 failures | be daring


HollishDanishM

:: 2004 18 April :: 1.51pm
:: Music: Some calming EMO from this guy's xanga

Blind
Sometimes you get this idea into your silly little head, and everyone else around you sees that you are crazy and wrong. Like, if you think you're fat, even if you are skinnier than most other bitches. Or if you KNOW that this guy likes you, yet no one else seems to be picking up that same vibe. Sometimes it's just easier to see truth from far away, but that's one thing we are just not able to admit, especially when it happens to us.
I feel sorrow for the people I see it happening to, but I know it has happened many times to me. We are all so mute sometimes, even the loudest person has her mouth wired shut.
Especially, sometimes guys flirt for no specific reason, sometimes girls do too. Trust me.
Take a shot,
Mette

3 failures | be daring


HollishDanishM

:: 2004 16 April :: 8.10pm
:: Music: Mario Winans- I Don't Wanna Know

The Passion for Shoes
It's like when you wear a certain pair of shoes for a period of time. One day they just don't seem like the same shoes you used to love so much. I feel bad for the shoes. I feel like the shoes.

Even if you feel you are left as the old, unexciting pair of shoes, there are ways to change that. The view one person has of you, is never the same as the next person's view, or the person after that for that matter. Sometimes the best thing to do, is just to move on. Sometimes change is positive. When we stay with the same things, or people, for a long time we get used to ordinary. When everything changes, life becomes extrodinary.

2 failures | be daring


HollishDanishM

:: 2004 12 April :: 7.25pm
:: Mood: thoughtful
:: Music: Hawaiian

Hitting Repeat
It's time for another update of this wonderous journal. I think I will stop reading other people's journals, I really mean it. I am officially tired of being let down, each time I read a comment that I wish to erase. I sometimes just wish that some stranger could give me an eraser, one of those large ones, and let me erase the frowns. Life doesn't work like that, unfortunaly.
I wish Isabel was here, I miss her more than I have ever done. I've never been one to miss people, people were always the ones to miss me. As selfish as it might sound. To miss someone is a powerful feeling, and it's really tearring me apart. I need for her and me to be together again, everything is just easier that way.
I have seriously been thinking of moving back lately. Thoughts like that often cross my mind. It is just so easy to get into your head. The feeling that as something goes wrong, even the most unimportant thing, you have the power to just leave it all behind, and forget about it. I guess I'm just lucky that way, or unlucky...?
But as you start pondering more, and as the thought seems to strike you often, it seems to become a more serious topic. I shouldn't tell anyone if I wasn't serious, but this time- I finally think I might be. But then again, I might change my mind tomorrow.
What would I loose? Certainly, there are only certain people I would miss.
Maybe this is turning into a pesimistic entry. Maybe I am just a pesimist.
Lots of Danish 'hej hej's' your way,
Met Met

Oh, and by the way- this cheesecake is hard and cold.

And another one, my dad cheated on his first wife. We find out so much we really didn't need to know. What an asshole. He always had it in him though.

be daring


HollishDanishM

:: 2004 2 April :: 6.07pm
:: Mood: moderate
:: Music: Jet- Are You Gonna Be My Girl?

Spring Break
And a 1,2, 3.
Let's all "slut" out over vacation, shall we?

be daring

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