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:: 2007 13 December :: 11.31 pm

Well, It's been a few months since I've updated this. I update my livejournal all the time now. But for anyone who reads this which probably isnt anyone i dont think, im not drinking or depressed or any of that. And the girl i referred to in my previous entry. Yeah we haven't really talked much since then, i mean i had to call her on my birthday and she wished me a happy 21st but it was forced and she didnt even come out with me. Most of my friends are living in Tampa now while im here, I'm going the working and college route. And they seem to be going the get drunk/high don't work and drop out of college and live life as it will end tommorow route. I really dont care much that im still in fort myers, for as hard and as long as I've worked i really dont have anything great to show for it. But in two years i should have a degree debt free without any help from anyone except the government. These scholarships are really saving me from financial ruin, without them i would almost definetly have a second and maybe even a third job. I'm really leaps and bounds ahead of where anyone in my family or even people im around daily seem to be. I'm really hoping this degree gives me some financial security in life, and keeps me away from the ruthless part of captalism a bit. I've lived poor my entire life, and now i have at least some money. Enough to survive and take care of my basic needs. I'm tired now. But anyways for anyone who reads this heres a link to my lj.

www.livejournal.com/brucerey43

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:: 2007 5 October :: 1.52 am
:: Music: Seether- Driven Under

I wish you could for once just do what you will say. You say your calling to see that im okay after i call you a day earlier and then you talk for 5 minutes and cut me off because your at work. You promise to call me back and yet somehow no call.
Things like that remind me of the problem, not the solution. This is getting ridiculous. It doesn't upset me that you dont like me in that way as much as it does that you dont seem to really care at all. When im constantly the one calling you and trying to do stuff and your always too busy and then i see you talking to other guys and seeing that you have time to hang out with them im sorry, but its both annoying and bullshit.
For the first time in a very long time i actually deleted a number from my phone.
What does it say when i only look forward to three things in life.
1) The bottle
2) South Carolina football
3) writing papers

People are so full of shit and themselves, im not stupid.

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:: 2007 3 October :: 7.51 pm
:: Mood: depressed

How do i be honest about anything. I literally have been a nervous wreck half this semester, things could be so much better. But they aren't. Every day i wake up and i think either that i should be dead or that i need a drink. I keep hoping things will get better, that someone will come and rescue me and remind me that im cared about. It's not happening though. I feel like no matter what happens i cant be happy anymore. I dont know whats wrong, but i know i have to fix it. I cant keep doing this or i probably will end up in a bad situation at some point.
I dont know what to do, but i have to change my life. I cant keep feeling like this anymore.

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:: 2007 24 September :: 8.03 pm
:: Mood: sick

An update on things
So I've come to a few conclusions lately. For once though they seem to be good.
I've really been spending a lot of time at my uncles lately, it makes me feel as though i have some resemblence of a normal and loving family. I'm thinking its good for now, i really need something there to keep me normal. When i go out there im happy, it keeps me going through all the shit in life. Playing video games and watching South Carolina football is what makes the rest of the week bearable for me.

My work is finally reopening, not sure whether to be scared or happy. Its been closed for a month in the transition period to a steakhouse, it sucks that its a different atmosphere now but it will all work out in the end. I'm hoping that i can do whatever they have me doing and still make enough to support myself and not have to work more than 40 hours a week. I need to save money so i will take what i can get for now. I have some money though, so im not too concered as long as i keep a job somewhere thats stable enough to get me through until i graduate and can do something "better".

As far as friendships and relationships go It's rather blah. I'm definetly meeting new people and beginning friendships now that im in my upper division classes for political science. Thats always a good thing.
Relationship wise though, im just very irritated. I think by being honest with one of my better friends about how i felt i scared her somehow. I haven't talked to her since (like 2 weeks ago) and i try to call her and she doesnt call back or anything. It just gives me the impression that im not cared about very much whether thats the intention or not. I really have realized though that saying anything at all about my feelings for her was probably not very smart of me.

Other things going on lately
1) been sick for four days now
2) classes dont seem too bad this semester
3) wanting a gf sometime before the next ice age
4) SC lost to LSU this past weekend
5) beginning to look at grad schools.......... ehh sooooo expensive.

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:: 2007 20 September :: 10.51 pm
:: Mood: crappy

The Cold Truth about things
Everyday I get up and I find a reason to keep going. Sometimes its easy, sometimes i know im loved and its all somehow worth it. Most of the time though, I keep going because I dont really want to die. I honestly feel like everytime i get close to anyone where i have an intrest of a relationship it goes to shit. I can count all my true friends on one hand. I don't want to struggle anymore, I feel more alone than anyone could ever imagine. My uncle and his wife are the extent of my family, I mean lets face it my dad is dead and my mom is in a homeless shelter and rehab facilty with 2 strokes. I really just want a normal life where I'm told im loved. Where I dont wake up everyday and want to drink, thats not to say that i always drink because i usually dont drink that much but nonetheless its depressing. I feel like my entire life, I have had to fight so hard and im just tired. I don't want to die but I don't want to live either.
You know something, I knew better than to tell her how i really felt. How i wanted to be with her just to go out to lunch on a date. I know no one meant to hurt me, but it did. I know she doesn't realize, or even to some extent she may not really care. I'm sorry but its almost insulting when everyone wants me to be their brother rather than their boyfriend. A lot of my guy friends tell me i should be more of an asshole and just get rid of people like that. I dont really in reality want that, but i feel like im constantly the one calling her and trying to do stuff and for once i just want her to try and make plans with me. Even as friends she doesn't seem to make the same effort as me sometimes.
I'm just tired of fighting, tired of trying to battle everything all alone. Maybe counseling is the anwser, I don't know. I know I have to do something differently though, I have to be able to go to bed without being like this anymore.
I keep telling myself it will all be okay in the hopes that it eventually will, but its not. I know im so far beyond okay that i dont even know where to start except with small steps. The few people who do care about me probably have no clue how to help me.
I've come to the conclusion that neither death or life fits me well right now so life wins out. I dont see any point in dieing, thats ridiculous. Living like this sure isn't much better though.
*sighs*
I'm going to sleep now.

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:: 2007 16 September :: 7.07 pm
:: Music: Green Day- Working Class Hero

I'm so tired of life
I doubt anyone i know even reads this. I figure its the one "safe" place to actually talk about things without anyone really reading. Honestly at this point it doesn't matter much. This sucks, it seems like everytime i find someone i remotely like they run away when they find out i like them. Either that or i end up with people who are too far away and want things which are realistic and they cant even tell me what they want because they have no clue. I hate having feelings for people, especially when im stuck in the friend zone. I really shouldnt have even said anything, i feel like i keep ruining any friendship at all i have with her by being like this. I know she doesn't want to be with me, there i finally at least am admitting it to myself. I really just want to crawl in a hole somewhere, im soo tired of fighting all these battles. I'm beginning to really question whether its even worth me living, i really am. I never fit very well anywhere, and everywhere i do i try to hard to be something im not, i get away from what makes me who i am. I just dont want to do this anymore. I really need help or something, life cant really always be full of pain can it?

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:: 2007 16 April :: 9.49 pm

Virginia Tech/random stuff
So I have obviously as many others have heard about the shooting at VA Tech. It's horrible, my personal feeling is that its a lot harder to secure a college campus than a high school. The scaries thing is that happened today could very well happen again. It saddens me a great deal, i know right now there are families feeling great pain and I pray for them.
A friend of mine from UF posted this on one of the facebook groups:

Sometimes I wonder why history seems to repeat itself, and why history repeats at a rate that has makes us fond of this expression in the first place.

In 1966 a school shooting took place at the University of Texas and then again in another shooting occured in 1999 at Columbine High School, but this event has been marked the deadliest school shooting in U.S. history.

So how do we learn? Who do we blame? Is it lack of prevention, violent video games and movies, bad parenting, ridiculing schoolmates, or is it the gunman himself that should bear all the blame?

I have no idea who to point fingers at because honeslty, I do not believe there is ONE source for such a catastrophic event. All I know is that I want to see more peace and I think it is important to remember that each one of us has an opportunity to create a little more of it in this world, even if we cannot always stop such tragedies.

So here are some songs by Jewel, one of my favorite artists:

"Hands"

If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all OK
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these
I won't be made useless
I won't be idle with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear
My hands are small, I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
Poverty stole your golden shoes
It didn't steal your laughter
And heartache came to visit me
But I knew it wasn't ever after
We'll fight, not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what's right
'Cause where there's a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing
My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
I am never broken
In the end only kindness matters
In the end only kindness matters
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
We are never broken
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's mind
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's heart
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's eyes
We are God's hands
We are God's hands

& also....

"Innocence Maintained"

Ophelia drowned in the water
Crushed by her own weight Hitler loved little blue eyed boys
And it drove him to hate
Birds always grow silent before the night descends
'Cause nature has a funny way of breaking what does not bend
A hero's torso built of steel and Novocain
His heart a bitter beat inside a bloodless frame
There was a hole inside his soul a manicure could not fill
So he fund himself a whore to love while daisies choked in the window sill
We've made houses for hatred
It's time we made a place
Where people's souls may be seen and made safe
Be careful with each other
These fragile flames
For innocence can't be lost
It just needs to be maintained
A small town in Ohio
Two boys are filled with violence
And darkness spreads its legs for hate and ignorance
We are given to a god to put our faith therein
But to be forgiven, we must first believe in sin
We've made houses for hatred
It's time we made a place
Where people's souls may be seen and made safe
Be careful with eachother
These fragile flames
For without fear
I want always to feel the wings of grace near
We all will be Christed wen we hear ourselves say
We are that which we pray
We've made houses for hatred
It's time we made a place
Where people's souls maybe seen and made safe
Be careful with each other
These fragile flames
We've built houses for hatred
It's time we made a place
Where people's souls may be seen and made safe
Be careful with each other
These fragile flames
For innocence can't be lost
It just needs to be maintained


Now back to where I start writing again, what happened today should teach american society very important lessons. If i was a betting man (which im not most of the time) I would say that the shooting was caused by someone whos not exatly the most well liked or popular person. Most people who do these things aren't exatly in the best state of mind be it from a fight or lonliness or anger or whatnot. I'm not sure how to stop school shootings but I know that there isn't enough love in this world. I know that when people care about one another and feel loved the sort of thing that happened today probably won't happen again. I know think that colleges and universities and the public in general should actively promote helping people more. Communities in this country only seem close when tradegy strikes, the rest of time we seem like nothing but people to each other. Until that changes, until people quit leaving others behind, until people learn to not treat others as outcasts, I don't think the violence of this sort will stop. You can put cops and guns on every corner but the reality if someone is this upset and alone then you probably will see this happen again no matter how much protection you put out there. We've all felt alone, most of us have probably had moments where we have no anwsers. To say this is somehow surprising that another shooting occured would be a lie coming from me. The same things, the same feelings that caused this shooting to occur probably mirror the others in the last decade. The fact is that people doing these shootings are probably very unhappy with life. I'm not some psychologist who has some magical solution here because there isn't one, all im saying is that if we all shared more love then things like this might be less likely to continue to happen. Until people in this country quit getting left behind I'm afraid this is going to become a fact of life, this violence for attention and hatred. It occurs everday, just because we dont see it on the news doesnt mean there aren't people falling apart and feeling just as desperate.

You know I was going to write about my life, but that is fairly minor in the context of what happened today. Obviously things in my life aren't exatly great, but I'm not dead and I know that I have some people who care about me. The other good news is that for the first time in 2 months I won't be in overtime at work. I might go up to work and do some karoke tommorow night and just chill, i need to be around people who love and care about me. My mom has a doctors appointment next wednesday, hopefully her numbers are better than the last time. I really hope she gets better, I have been praying for her. I have a feeling she won't live too much longer, its going to be hard when she finally does die. I hope and pray that the disability and medicaid do they're job next month. Obviously im concerned about her trying to kill herself again if they say shes not disabled. It's been such a long battle, I don't talk about it much outside of a few people but believe me I'm worn down and tired. I want to feel like im 20 and not 40. The good news is that I'm much wiser for the last year and a half, and probably will owe any success I have in my life to the adversity I have had to face. The other good news is that regardless come August 1st, my life returns somewhat to normal when I go to my uncles for like 3 weeks in the cape and then to the dorms. I'm still going to broke, but at least I wont be under so much stress. Hopefully I will be more of the upbeat person i used to be and can actually begin settling down in a normal relationship and maybe start going to church like I used to. I can begin building a future for myself and quit drinking and such. I've already begun to take those steps, but I certainly have many more things I need to do.
peace out
Bruce

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:: 2007 17 January :: 3.39 pm
:: Music: The Fray- How to save a life

life
I haven't updated this in a while, this is probably the least read of all my journals. How are things going lately? Ok so i totally hate talking in 3rd person but things are going okay.
I'm a sophmore in college, and umm this is first time i can really say that Classes suck this semester like waaay more work then last semester. It's not horrible but its bad enough to make me unhappy with them. As far as a relationship, I was with Rachel for like 3 weeks and then broke up with her. I want to have someone hold me and tell me it's all okay, but that will hopefully come with time. My friendships with people are weird, my life is weird in general right now. I'm moving to the dorms in august, but first to my uncles in the cape in May. I will be eternally glad to be away from my mom. She refuses to work or do anything else in her life or help herself. Yes, she had a mild stroke but shes really okay to work and stuff. Just because your not going to make great wages isn't an excuse to just not work at all. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out how to get a job.
As far as my friendships with people, I have a lot of people who im actually getting along with really well. One of the people i have liked for a long time is annoying/frustrating me lately. It just seems like the only time i get an awknowledgement of my existence is when she wants a favor. I'm so over it, I'm not going to be mean or anything because i rarely am but im not going to make myself feel like crap over it either. It makes me feel bad, i can't help it just does. It makes me feel bad that she sees me that way. We can't hold a conversation without it being either less then 2 minutes or her asking me for something. I'm sorry but thats what you have a boyfriend for, go ask him for stuff. It really changes my outlook on whether i want to be with her, it gives me a different perception of her even as a friend. I love most of my other friends though, we don't hang out or see each other much but i get along with them well. Anyways im going to go do what i should be doing which is homework.
peace

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:: 2006 13 November :: 10.19 pm

An update on my life

1) College is going well, getting killed with papers this week but once they are done things get easier for me. Can't wait for this semester to end= pain in the ass but my grades are good so can't complain too much.

2) Moving out in may or june, I really can't tell everyone how excited i will be to be away from my mom and live somewhere nice. I hate living where i live right now just in general, and my mom certainly doesn't help any. My mom really has thrown my nerves upside down and doesn't really help herself, and even if she did i cant keep paying all her bills like this. I'm paying $2100 a month and bills and simply can't do it anymore. Leaving will cut my bills by like $700 a month. If anyone wants a roommate or knows someone who does around the summer time let me know. Preferably in fort myers or near FGCU. May move in may to my uncles in the cape and then move again to campus in august. Not sure yet, but im beginning to plan now so if you have anything or know anyone let me know ASAP. Probably looking for a move in date sometime between May and August.

3) Relationship wise things have really sucked lately. Part of the reason im moving is not only to get away from my mom but because i feel this disconnect living so far from school. I want to actually be with someone who cares about me, because for the first time in a while im actually beginning to realize that im not happy. It has nothing to do with money really, sometimes i just feel really alone and everyone i talk to has their own lives and it's just so hard to explain. Sometimes I just need to know everythings okay just to calm and comfort me and make me feel better and lately I have had everything but that. I just can't explain it anymore, all i know is that where my life is at can't stay this way. I honestly don't know how to fix things, but i know they need to get fixed. If you stand behind me and help me through all of this then great, if you don't well then great too. I'm not going to say that i couldn't use the help though.

Overall things in my life aren't bad but aren't great either. Either way im not happy, but im changing things so that I am. I'm not trying to whine about stuff, because I have and still am very lucky. That being said, I wish things were better. Things will eventually be but only because im making them that way. I'm just determined to be happy and thats it.

peace

Bruce

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:: 2006 5 November :: 10.31 pm

So im making this password protected now to keep it more private. Comment if you want the password and stuff

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:: 2006 1 November :: 9.53 pm
:: Music: Hawthorne Heights-This is who we are

I wonder if anyone really reads much of what I have to say on here aside from the few people i know. Lately life has been kind of so so. Grades are going well for this semester, only a few more projects and assignments that require actual work and then its finals time. I really wish I had more friends to do stuff with who lived here, my social life is kind of lame a lot of times it seems. I've had a rough month emotionally just missing people and wanting someone to be there for me emotionally but no one really is it seems. I do feel somewhat close to a few people, but not enough to really tell them whats really wrong with me. Well If i had a girlfriend or someone to really confide in then things would certainly be better. I have friends but not neccessarily on the level I really need sometimes. Especially with my mom being sick and stuff and now the fact that I basically don't eat when im upset or stressed coming into play I just don't know. It takes a lot for me to admit that theres actually something wrong. I tried to ignore but im beginning to realize that I can't anymore. I'm dealing with it though, im certainly paying more attention to eating and stuff. Financially things are going okay, basically if my mom doesn't work soon then i won't be able to take care of her anymore. It's really draining anyways, so i dont honestly want to. I need someone to love me and make things easier, and i really dont have that and it makes things so much harder. :-( I'm going to sit around and wait until 1201 am so i can make my schedule for next semester and then go to bed.

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:: 2006 31 October :: 9.44 am

I am really glad that not many of my friends, if any read this journal. This last month has probably been one of the worst of my life, I'm going through so much and I really do feel (whether I am or not) completly alone in dealing with everything. I think I may have an eating disorder, or too much stress.......... im not really sure yet. All i know is that I have lost weight like crazy and im not eating much and therefore i feel nausious and vomity all the time. I honestly don't feel like I want to live anymore lately, I have cried so much that now im out of tears to cry. I dont even cry before bed i just take a sleeping pill and go to sleep. It seems to work out better than thinking about how much i hate my life and then being exhausted the next day. My birthday was horrible, i wanted to throw a party but the one person i wanted there probably wouldn't have bothered to come anyways so i said screw it and worked anyways. My social life lately has just really tanked, and the one person I have a crush on seems to always be too busy for me until she needs something. It drives me nuts, and slowly but surely its making me want to distance myself from her alltogether. Actually its making me want to distance myself from everybody. Aside from my social life everything else seems to be going pretty well but thats just soured everything. I mean im done with a year of college and this semester is going well grade wise. I will have been through 3 semesters of college as of decemeber somethingish or another. I should post close to a 3.5 this semester so that part of my life is pretty secure right now except it just requires a lot of work. I honestly feel like no one cares about me anymore, its so horrible to feel this way but its true. I never get invited anywhere to do things, I never get phone calls just to see how im doing. I know it will all be okay in time but right now things are just really beating me up emotionally. I seriously thought about slitting my wrists the other night (this doesn't leave your mouth to whoevers reading this) but I didn't. I don't honestly want to die, I just want to feel less isolated and alone and be better able to deal with things then by not eating.
peace

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:: 2006 11 October :: 6.28 pm

So lately my feelings have been really mixed, I am more unsure of what to think then ever. I really like someone, but I am not sure if I should even say anything. She has a boyfriend and shes going through a lot and im just trying to be there for her but in the process im realizing that I want someone there for me if that makes much sense. It makes sense to me though, and thats what really matters. I just really don't know, I mean i should be happier than I am but im not. A lot of that is taking care of mom, but a lot is also where I come from. I'm not some rich high level family where I actually have money and things. I layed on the aforementioned girls lap today and hugged her and it just felt weird. Hopefully she knows I like her and it will get her to think a little. ehh
peace
Bruce

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:: 2006 11 October :: 6.56 am

I just wish I had somewhere where I could be completly open and honest with people. This is not the place to do that though, not right now anyways. i have a relationship intrest, but i cant talk about who that is in here. ehh this sucks and is turning out to be pointless.

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:: 2006 10 October :: 1.18 am

You know something, Yeleni told me something the other day that made me think. I can't say what or exatly what it was about but I think she may be right. After what happened last friday, it does indeed make sense. Either that or I actually have a friend who is half assed sincere, which is rare it seems down here. I have been feeling really lonely lately, really distant from most of my friends. Carl and Andres, I haven't seen them since they went to Univ of Tampa almost two months ago........ and Dee is consumed with her own life of getting wasted, Yeleni is just busy, and I'm just working every weekend into eternity. Overall, I mean yes im in college and yes im taking care of my mom but it's extremely difficult doing it alone. I'm only 19 (well almost 20), but it's tough............ mentally and emotionally. To top it off, I'm not exatly the most popular person on the earth friend wise. I'm really debating putting a link to this back on facebook, although I'm afraid of a certain someone reading what I have in some of these older entries. Yes *blushes* I actually do have feelings for someone and am human. Thats a whole other story though, well not really it is at least part of why im so sad. I mean at the very least I like this person. Hopefully I will get to go starbucks this week with Adrienne and Nate, to hang out and stuff. I need to get away from all my problems, which won't ever happen but I can always wish can't I? Midterm for US to 1877 this week, bleh. So if anyone wants to comment they can do it anymously and put their name in the subject bar so i know who it is. Since you can't unless your a member on here, or at least I think thats how it works.

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