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:: 2006 11 July :: 11.26 pm
:: Mood: sad

I feel sad and I dont really know why. Actually I do know why but whats the point of even talking about it anymore. I just want a normal life where I am actually liked by people. Everywhere I go it feels like im an outsider or i dont fit in. I talked to adrienne through text messages today, same bullshit as always basically. It just seems like shes making excuses not to hang out with me, just like everyone has been lately it seems. I'm not sure whats worse feeling like crap all the time because of my mom or feeling like this is the only thing that will actually listen to me and not ignore me. I just feel soo alone, sometimes I honestly just feel like life is not worth living anymore. I love the people i work with but honestly outside of work nobody really gives two damns about me. I mean like with katie its always how she will do something with me and then half the time she doesnt and is doing shit with someone else, and shes not the only one of my friends thats like that. I think i dont even need friends anymore, at least not some of the worthless ones ive got. I need to leave florida after this year and start over somewhere, where i can feel life and breathe and have someone who cares about me to help me through things. The more I keep going through this endless cycle the more i feel like i dont want to get up anymore.

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:: 2006 6 July :: 11.43 pm

Here goes a bunch of stuff that I really just need to talk about. This last 9 months since my mom had her TIA (mild stroke) has been almost unbearable. You know honestly it wouldn't be so bad if I had someone there to listen, who i felt like wasn't in it for themselves for some reason. I think im just paranoid, but i also know that im like that for a reason. I'm like that because life is like a job, if your too nice to the wrong person you will get taken advantage of someone who wants to use you. I feel like no one outside of Carl, Andres, and Josh really wants me around them to hang out. Like for example i called katie the other night and we agreed that she would come to see me at soccer tonight and so i called today to confirm that and she had plans with Joe and Blaire. I don't think she realized it bothered me, but it did. When i leave work at 330 in the morning on the weekends and look at my phone and see that no one called or sent me a text message it makes me feel alone somehow. The few friends I have at FGCU like to party and stuff and hang out but im never invited to really do anything. I think I hung out a few times with Adrienne and me and yeleni drank coffee at the school a few times and talked but beyond that i didnt really do much. Part of it is certainly me being poor and not living on campus/having to work every single weekend until i graduate basically, part of it is my mom being sick, and part of it is me just not naturally being a part of someones inner circle. I have a feeling having my moms shit taking care of would make me feel better but it certainly wouldn't solve everything. Like with Adrienne where we supposed to hang out and she always has an excuse or something the last few times ive tried. I'm paranoid, and my instinct tells me not to trust her and so thats what ive begun to do whether on purpose or not. Then theres the chick from missouri, whos more or less selfish. I've known her for like 6 years now but she just seems to not care about what i want very much. Thats why i decided to not come up there, for any number of reasons including the fact that it costs money and is just a waste of time. I'm pretty sure no one reads this thing on here but i usually post entries from here to my myspace so we will see what happens.
Aside from having those problems my mom is a walking nightmare for me, although im hoping not forcing her back to work and giving her a break from nagging her about it will help ease our tensions. I know sooner or later if she doesn't I leave because I will have no choice but to. I'm not entirely sure she can work, but she may end up with no option because unforunately I cant pay over $2000 a month to make ends meet between my bills and hers. The other night our fighting got to the point where she tried to take sleeping pills and I just layed in my room and cried for hours. Maybe this isn't the place to post this kind of stuff, sometimes i think it isn't but I choose to use it this way. Everyone on here who can see this is probably my friend since i have few enemies or even fewer people who know this exists. On myspace only my friends can see it, and if i hated them then they wouldnt be on my friends list.
In some other more positive news things aren't all that bad, im making pretty good money as a bar back. I'm only working like 20 hours a week but im doing well enough in that 20 hours not to have to worry too much. I honestly cant wait for school and season to come back around to hopefully make some money and TRY and save what i can back. If im able come this close to breaking even during summer then when season comes around things should be better. Also I have been playing soccer with people from my work twice a week so that has definetly been good exercise and im staying in decent shape. I need to hit the gym and attempt to build some muscles but i dont see that really happening. I talked to my moms lawyer today on the phone, i called to see how the appeal to disability was progressing/tried to understand what all of this shit is. I dont really think she will win, I think she is trying to get out of working ever again. I know my mom is messed up some, but her ability to function and do simple jobs like housekeeping still exists. Disability simply has no concern for financial status according to the lawyer so despite my misgivings about this probably being a waste of time im giving it a chance. I have made pretty clear that if i run out of money (which i eventually will if it lasts more than a year like they projected it would) that she is on her own. She doesn't want to attempt to work and save up money and instead wants to gamble on something that is a bunch of crap to begin with anyways. Eventually she will either win this shit or give up and work. I think sometime early next year that decision will have to be made by her, and i would like to be almost positive she will win if i have to take the risks that i will have to take to my own financial well being after that point. I think no matter what she wont work, she refuses to now and if the time comes and she refuses well now you see what i said earlier about her leaving me no choice. Other that that.............. yeah i really dont have much else to say.

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:: 2006 29 June :: 10.23 pm
:: Mood: crappy

I wish i knew what to say. I wish I had someone loving and caring to hold hands with. Everyone I try and get with just wants to be friends or doesnt call back. Aside from that my mom simply refuses to go back to work or do anything else. She prefers to waste an oppurtunity to save up some money while i pay all of her bills and wait until i eventually run out of money or leave. Eventually i think one or the other will happen. It really saddens me that she really is that selfish to come up with a millon excuses why she can't work, but yet she wants to treat me like im fucking two and i dont deserve any respect. She just wants to make my life miserable it seems. I don't know how much else to really say in here about how im feeling. I feel like shit, im sick and just tired of my moms bullshit mostly. Well that and not having anyone to really comfort me and help me through this is certainly making it harder. I honestly don't look forward to coming home anymore because of my mom. You know its time to move when you look forward to a vacation just to get away from somebody. Not to say that i'd rather be at work, but at least there no one makes me feel like i want to pound their head through a wall. Actually work has been the one place where people are quite friendly and socialable. I'm still taking Yeleni's advice and getting counseling when i go back in the fall, im not completly sure i need it but maybe it will give me someone who can guide me a little bit.
Maybe im just bitching because my throat is sore but i doubt it. I hate feeling like crap. I need to feel better.

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:: 2006 21 June :: 11.55 pm

photos, bullshit, and more
This update will be short but I will say a few things

Yeah me and Adrienne didn't go out, im done with her bullshit though. Even as friends she makes all these bullshit excuses and crap so the hell with her. I added some pictures to my facebook, if you want to be in one of my albums then find me and take a picture with me or give me one of you or whatever and i will put it on there.

http://fgcu.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2011295&l=27cb7&id=60604630

Thats the link to mine, so you can at the very least get a better idea of who i am.

Yeah and if you have anything to say then say it lol

peace out

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:: 2006 14 June :: 12.27 pm

This is probably going to end up being being pretty random but here it goes
My trip to Tampa got moved back two weeks due to the stupid tropical storm, so i saw my grandparents at the VA clinic yesterday and me and my mom ended up going to Labelle to see them and spent last night there.
I am definetly stressed out about my mom because she keeps trying to blame me because her life sucks. It's not my fault she had a stroke, and the way i feel is if she doesnt like me handling it then she should find someone else to do it. I am just so beyond sick of her, I have enough money to leave and start over somewhere else and sometimes i think i should. I really don't have anything worth a crap here anyways, my family is useless for much of anything and my friends are all either nonexistent when i need them, don't care, or couldn't even begin to help me because they have no clue how to deal with any of this just like me. I am dealing with a system that really has no intrest in helping anyone, they want to say they are but in reality they have you so beaten by the time you get any help that it defeats its own purpose. I am pretty sure im getting counseling when i start back in the fall, if nothing else but to find someone who can give me solutions. Yeah and to top that off the one girl i actually like and want to hang out with never has time for me. Shes always with this other guy and then has a millon excuses on top of that. Err that just makes everything harder for me to deal with. I think im going to start hanging with people from work and drinking at kristas after work on saturday nights. We don't get out until like 330 in the mornings anyways and if i can get sundays off for a while then it will work out nicely for me. I think some drinking every once in a while will allow me to relieve some stress and hopefully not feel alone and shit like i get sometimes.
peace out
Bruce

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:: 2006 10 June :: 3.48 am

I hate feeling alone
life sucks

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:: 2006 7 June :: 11.56 pm

I realized whats wrong today while I was on vacation in Orlando for the day. I need a girlfriend, or at least someone i can call and talk to about my life. Bottling everything up seems to never work very well. In good news I had a great time and we did so many things, I will never forget it. And Tampa next week with my cousin.
peace out
Bruce

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:: 2006 30 May :: 2.52 am
:: Mood: tired

Well, this whole last week or two has been going pretty well. I got promoted to bar back at work, which definetly worries me because its harder and theres a lot to learn but the money is better. I injured my leg by dropping a keg on it the other night, but it should eventually turn out fine. The bad part of my life is the part with this chick who I like, well i would say love but love is mutual and my feelings for her aren't exatly returned my way by her. She doesn't hate me by any means, but it just seems like everytime i try and hang out with her or do anything its an excuse. She keeps stringing me along saying how we will do stuff soon, but after a while it gets kind of old and turns into bullshit. Plus she has a boyfriend/best friend who shes always with, and who is closer to her than i am by leaps and bounds. I know she hangs out with him all the time because well lets just say i do and its not that hes not cool its just i dont know. Sometimes i want his life where money isn't an object, where a job is just spending money and not bill money. More importantly where someone as beautiful and wondeful as her thinks about you before she goes to bed every night. I remember when we were in high school together, I was always an outsider to her. I never really had a crush on her in high school even though I thought she was kinda cute. She will probably never know, even if somehow she were ever to read this she wouldn't know it was her i am talking about. Sometimes I feel like such a loser. But then again, I know I am who I am and nothing can ever change that. I don't want anything to change that just so i can fit in with someone who geniuenly doesn't act as if im good enough for her anyways. She doesn't degrade me or treat me bad, but at the same time i know im surely not anywhere near the top of her list as far as friendships or relationship potentials. I started this entry not really being bothered, but now I am somehow. Just having her there to help me through these last 8 or 9 months would have done miracles for me mentally. The first 3 or 4 months I was a nervous wreck, sometimes i dont know how i made it through it. I cried soo much around the holidays, because i didnt get to have a christmas and things were really bad financially. You know what i have learned though from all of this, is that i can survive all on my own. That although having a reasurring voice is comforting, sometimes im better off on my own if its going to be from someone who doesnt think im good enough for her. I can't help who i am, only try harder to become who i want to. Although she may think im stupid and dont understand the games shes playing, im understand them full well even if she doesnt really care one way or the other.

*sighs*

I'm glad thats over with, i actually feel better now for getting that out. :-) Tampa in two weeks for me and my cousin.

peace out

Bruce

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:: 2006 28 May :: 3.32 am

ehh bar backing really is merely okay, its a promotion but (looks at clock) the house really suck. It's like 330 in the morning and i just got home. The good news is that even during summer (the slow season) I made $133 plus $6.40 an hour for one night.
peace out
Bruce

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:: 2006 24 May :: 4.23 am

An update on the various things in my life (I copied it from my myspace blog)

Work

1) Might be getting promoted to bar back, better money but longer hours. Basically the other dudes went on vacation and then the other one called off this saturday and so i stepped in and took care of business. It's all good i guess, financially things are really tight so any extra money will definetly help. Plus the money is more consistent than bussing as far knowing that i will paid the same every night.

Friendships/Relationships

1) I have been hanging out with katie the last few days. Her friends/people I know are all okay to hang out with. I don't really know them that well because they are all younger than me by a couple of years. They probably won't ever be my best friends because they are too young/haven't been though enough to understand what im going through. Plus they all have boyfriends and hang out with them and work so i barely see most of them anyways.

2) Relationship/best friend wise my life has sucked lately. The one chick i like won't even talk to me like period. She says she will hang out with me and then doesn't call or like the last time was in gainesville with her sister. She is always hanging out with her best/boyfriend nate. He's a cool guy but i would like to have the chance to be able to be with her just me and her. Not for anything intimate just so i can get to know her better and she can help me through things. It's much easier for someone you like to make your day better than it is for just a friend to try the same thing because theres a different type of connection there. Plus she really is an upbeat person to be around, and im sure im not the first person to ever think that shes beautiful but i get sick of playing games. The fucked up part is i dont even think she realizes any of what im saying in here.

Why I need to leave fort myers?

1) I didn't orginally want to go to FGCU as my first choice but i had no money to go anywhere else. It seems like im just going through the motions by going there.

2) Theres nothing to do, when its 1030 at night and the only thing to do is go to walmart or perkins then you know you live somewhere boring.

3) I dont have any best friends here to help me out of binds. All my friends either aren't that close to me or dont have the resources to help me out of binds. Life still happens at 3 in the morning you know, getting a flat tire and having no one to call could really suck.

4) The cost of living here is simply too high. At some point you would think someone would step in force landlords to make housing affordable. Of course that would actually require the local government here to actually use their heads and protect their workforce, but hey why should they think of that now? Sooner or lately they will have to deal with it, better now then when there is no one to wash dishes in restraunts or do any low paying jobs for the local economy.

5) My mom doesn't want to live here anymore either, it just seems like we can't get ahead. I seem to need more things than i ever have money for and one of these days i wont be able to do it anymore.

Disability/My political opinion on all this crap

1) My mom got rejected for disability. As a result they took away her medicaid. Now she has no medicine. If she has another stroke whos going to pay the 10 or 15 thousand in medical bills. Let alone the fact that she has no income and can't work. They want to break me and make me give up but thats why im going into politics, to kick all their sorry rich asses.

2) The political system in this country sucks, basically if your poor then your nothing more than dirt and everybody knows it. Actually your not dirt your just treated like it in every aspect of life. This country needs reform, either that or for someone to seriously challenge the democrats and republicans for power. A country run by a bunch of lobbyists is only going to favor the wealthy and powerful, not those who need help the most. It seems every corporation in america feels they can do "whatever they want", well at some point americans are going to say enough and change capitalism forever. Too many people are fed up and pissed off and feel cheated. It's not even lazy people who feel cheated and taken advantage even all the time, now its single parents who want a better life for their kids and kids who are homeless because their parent can't afford rent or food for them. When is the top of this country going to realize that the poor won't eat shit forever. I guarantee you that their are kids who went in the army for the GI bill and returned to the United States from Iraq in a casket.

Now im just simply stating my opinion

1) If you dont like me then don't read my blog anymore, I don't go reading anyone elses life to go dig shit up.

2) If you want to comment then be my guest. This blog is who I am and its more to reflect on myself than for anyone else. I have been told that i know a thing or two and if you happen to catch one of my political speels then you will see i do know a thing or two. I don't profess to know everything so by all means if you would like to "enlighten me" then leave a comment.

3) I love my friends and people around me, I would hope that no one takes offense to anything i put in here but if they do then im sorry. Not sorry enough to take whatever i wrote back because I would rather be real than be a liar about how i feel.

peace out

Bruce

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:: 2006 23 May :: 11.37 pm
:: Mood: tired

Well I feel better tonight then i did last night. I have decided to at least try to focus more on the postive things in my life and try to let the little things go. I'm trying to get everything in the right direction, but having all of this time off of school is making me realize that I really don't have that one person. That one person who calls me before i go to bed and tells me she loves me or i can just call and she wont say a word and will just listen. Things will get better, hopefully sooner than later. I'm just stressed, but on the bright side im still in college and im getting a semi promotion at work to bar back. Longer hours but more money. The money is also more consistent than bussing is too. We shall see, but hopefully everything works out.
peace out
Bruce

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:: 2006 23 May :: 3.07 am

I shouldn't be even writing this in here


What happened tonight was just the breaking point. I finally snapped and just got all upset and so then i went to walmart by myself and just sat and cried and cried and cried some more. Then i called katie and we ate with this kid joe and his friend was serving us so finally after perkins closed like an hour later i took them home. I think i finally realized that im going to get counseling when i go back to FGCU in the fall, I can't keep doing this shit. My emotions are so out of wack, and its not just sometimes now its all the time. I am yelling at people (my mom usually) for no reason and crying and stuff and then i have been thinking about suicide some. I would probably never ever ever do that but I don't think being that upset and depressed is a good thing. Then me being upset only makes my mom cry because she feels horrible for all of this. Mom also understands how i feel on soo many levels too which i found out tonight so that at least helps me some. She knows how alone and lost i feel in all of this, how i feel like im just living life to get by rather than to have fun. I think everything is magnified by the fact that the chick i like won't even talk to me. I don't get it, nor do i care about her anymore because its just a waste of time. I'm not important to her anyways so what difference does it make no matter how much i try and hang out with her or anything. I just know that what i've been through these last 8 or 9 months can't keep happening, because eventually i will snap. I will just run into a hole and hide somewhere and pretend this never happened. Not that will make things any better but sometimes i wonder if i should just leave my mom some money and tell her i love and just leave. It's not like my family really cares about either one of us, they'd care less if we were homeless as far as their concerned. Aside from all of this i just feel completly lost and alone. I just don't know anymore, im sure it will get better eventually but at what cost? How fucked up emotionally am i going to be when im 25 or 30 and try to start raising kids of my own. The only thing saving my ass right now is that i quit drinking and i never did drugs. I'm pretty sure one night of heavy drinking would probably put me in the hospital since i drank more than i should even when everything was emotionally fine. Yeah but im gonna go now because its late and im tired.

peace out

Bruce

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:: 2006 20 May :: 1.16 am
:: Mood: sad

I think the time has come for me to leave fort myers. I wake up everyday and feel sad and empty. I don't really have anyone who really is my best friend here anymore anyways. The one person i like won't even talk to me and keeps blowing me off for someone else, someone better. Everyday i find a reason not to slit my wrists but one day i wont be able to find a reason. If i continue to be this unhappy and feel this alone then i wont be able to find a reason. I am unhappy for any number of reasons, mainly that i really feel all alone and that my mom is always complaining. Shes very annoying and i just get sick of telling her to shut up and just let me do things. I should be happier about things, but im not. I just wish i could find a reason to keep trying but everytime i think i have something or someone i am proven wrong. I am not sure at all of what to do anymore.

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:: 2006 18 May :: 1.00 am

Too drunk and still drinking
It's just the way I feel
It's alright
Is what you told me
Cause what we had was so beautiful
Feel heavy like floating
At the bottom of the sea

You said always and forever
Now I believe you
You said always and forever
Is such a long and lonely time

Some devil is stuck inside of me
I cannot set it free
I wish, I wish I was dead and you breathing
Just so that you could know
Some angel is stuck inside of me
But I cannot set you free

Because of you because of her

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:: 2006 17 May :: 12.21 am
:: Mood: tired

I can't even begin to explain things anymore, how alone I feel and how much I don't want to keep going anymore. Everyday feels like one giant struggle, to get to something that im not even sure is worth anything. I feel crushed by all of the people who i need the most. The one person who i like the most i cant tell because she keeps blowing me off. Well that and she has this guy nate that shes close with and they do everything together anyways. I really don't have anyone to hang out with except for carl and he will be gone in two months. My mom is still sick and not able to work, and she has had symptoms that another stroke may not be far off. I just keep wishing it will all be okay, that someone will tell me they love me and actually mean it. That someone will help me through all of this. On so many levels my life is a wreck, i just feel so useless to everyone as if i do nothing but wander through the world to try and get by. People can say they understand but they have no clue, what its like to be that kid whos always an outsider or feels out of place. Sometimes i feel like my best just isn't good enough, not for Adrienne or my mom or anything else to ever make this stop. I feel like my life is just one big nightmare, and the more i cry the more alone i begin to feel. I have to keep going, somehow i have to make things better. I'm trying, i really am but i feel so overwhelmed as if im only choosing between the best choices of things that wont help me. I need love and compassion, but everywhere i turn it seems that i get the opposite. This is the one place where everything makes some sense to me. The one place where i know at least theres something to listen, even if it is just a computer or server thats sitting in an office somewhere. I feel frustrated beyond belief, I want Adrienne to realize that i care for her and that everytime we agree to hang out and we dont that it just makes it that much harder for me. Everytime i feel close to anyone who can help it seems that they always abandon me for someone better whos more interesting or cool. I think i am going to get some therapy at the college or something. The more i work through things the more i realize i need it. It may not solve anything, but its worth a shot. I am just sick of life. Maybe i should just quit typing in here and get some rest.
peace out

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