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:: 2007 7 June :: 10.42 pm

I need to make a list of good things.

cookie dough
Daily Defense shampoo
San Diego
Aunt Shell
clean laundy

I saw Knocked Up and it was good. I think I might be in love with Seth Rogan. I have liked him since Freaks and Geeks and coniptioned a bit when he was on Dawson'd Creek. CAL!- he's a writer-nuff said. Anyway, he is awesmely awkwardly good in the movie. I LOVE the part where he is frakking halucinating. GREAT SCENE!! CAUTION: they show some graphic birth stuff...but it doesn't matter, I LOVE SETH.

Tell Me...

:: 2003 10 June :: 10.27 am

I am siting on my bed writing in my journal. I didn't know how much I missed this. I went to caddy and stayed with the davis fam, which is becoming my fam. I also have a test in the morn. PRAGUE! WOOOT!!!

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:: 2007 24 May :: 1.31 am

So after reading Michelle's reply to my last entry here goes:

I am going t move on and not really look back, and i know that there were good things that happened, but there are not that many of those things that will continue when I do move on. Michelle you are one f only a handful of lasting things frim these four years. I think of you frequently too...for example tonight I was watching TV and there was a commercial that was Sarah Silverman patting a guy down and she touched his taint and he said the word...I loved it. TAINT!

anyway. I should get my cmputer back soon, and I will be able to update more often. I miss you and I appreciate your words of encouragement.

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:: 2007 15 May :: 3.07 pm

I am not excited to be back in Michigan, let alone Kalamazoo...alone.

So I am taking 3 classes this summer. I can do it, I can do it...I CAN DO IT!

Jon is in one of my classes and he has invited me...more than hang out with him and Degrandchamp. That would be a bad idea i think, but I am tempted just for lack of other options. I also feel bad because I dropped Jon out of my life with all the others even though he was not one of the bad ones, he just hangs out with them too much...

I am going to be in a foreign country in about 45 days. That is crazy.

I know this is just a phase in my life. a lonely sad pathetic phase, but i just want it to be over now. The hard part is that I could make friends. I could even hang out with old ones, but I am leaving in...well 45 days, and I dont plan on coming back...ever if possible.

My Aunt is OK. It is really scary and going there to be with her was one if the hardest things I've ever done, but it was the right thing and I am really glad I went.

My college years have been far from the best in my life....I would probably characterize them as some of the worst actually. That is sad...but true.

PS. I had In and Out Burger twice while I was in Cali. SO deliciously bad for me.

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:: 2007 27 April :: 6.15 pm

So I have been thinking a lot about Michelle since I left Michigan because everything is reminding me of you. I heard All American rejects on the drive to the airport, then on the plane we had an episode of the office and a behind the scenes of 24. I wish you were here.

So my aunt paula has been doing pretty well this week. She has been to work for a couple hours everyday. Today I went to work with DeAnn and actually we ended up going on a fieldtrip with the special ed was really fun, they are all really sweet.

It is really nice here, and we also went to kohls and are going out for...wait for it...SUSHI. ( I will have In and Out at LEAST once...dont worry.)

I love you guys.

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:: 2007 23 April :: 6.18 pm

So I just finished an exam...1 down 3 to go. I think it went ok though, I only needed a 60 on it to get my C. It is sad that I have resorted to "hoping for C's" but there it is.

The day after tomarrow I will be in CAlifornia. I am really excited even though it is a not so happy reason for a visit. I love my aunties and am excited to see them. My cousin Ryan is takin me out to dinner before I leave might be wierd, but good weird.

Now I have to write some papers, so I guess I will try to get on that.

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:: 2007 17 April :: 1.01 pm

SO my mom freaked me out while she was here...I forgot my grandma Santiago died from Breast cancer...both sides of the family is not good...

Dunzo was sad.

I fly out to California a week from tomarrow.

I have 4 papers, 3 exams, and a presentation due before that.

Harrison might stay in my apt. while I am gone.

Ryan wanted me to go to his graduation, but I don't get back til the day after. I think he was dissapointed, but we will both have to get over that. I was just happy he thought about it.

Ricci finally contacted see when she could drop off my stuff...*sigh*

BAck to the grind I guess...

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:: 2007 4 April :: 7.27 pm

So My mom was here frome friday to this morning and I almost killed her numerous times. This was the first time we had spent that much time together though in...and i would not be exagerating....years. She is thinking about marrying Mike and wants me to think about being her maid of honor...gag.

In other, more happy news, I am flying out of Michigan as soon as my last exam is done on the 25th. I am going to stay with my Aunt Paula from the 25th of April to the 6th of May. I am SO excited.

Also My plane ticket to Prague came in the mail the other day. It is real. I am going to Europe this summer. weird.

Harrison is picking me up in few minutes and I have to print off a map. Hopefully after certain kids see David D. I will get a phone call with some details and we can catch up.

I finally have made peace with my Kalamazoo situation, mostly because I am realizing how temporary it is. I am happy again.

Tell Me...

:: 2007 27 March :: 5.00 pm

Well, I think I had one of the best weekends I can remember having all year. (being a senior hasn't done much for me) ANYWAY. I got the best hug ie the pick up and spin you kind when I got there, then I had a weekend of basketball, movies, darts, food and games. It was awesome. mostly I was just really glad to see Ryan, I needed my fix.

I also went and saw mike's mom and dad, and that was really a good thing. I was proud of myself because I was scared, but i made myself do it anyway.

ON to the bad news:

LAst night VEronica mars was interupted by some weird noises coming from the livingroom. I went out there and dunzo was hanging from the side of his cage by his back leg, which was broken, and he was flailing around and intermittnely passing out ( i think). so I FREAKED OUT because he wouldnt let me get near him and I needed to get him unstuck, so i called my mom and she calmed me down enough toget him unstuck and told me to call ryan to see if he would look up the scenario on the internet. so I called Ryan and had him "fact check" and he stayed on the phone til I calmed down. Dunzo is now resting comfortably in a box with some carrots and water and lots of fluffy bedding. I didnt realize how sad i would be until i almost lost him.

Tell Me...

:: 2007 20 March :: 12.27 am

Today I have done good and bad in equal measure.

I went to class, talked to professors, picked up a shift, got my passport, signed up for classes, did homework and am writing a paper, I have done more taday and been more productive than I have been in weeks past combined, but all of this is now overshadowed by one bad:

I hurt a friend.

For that I am truly sorry, and the way in which the situation occured can only be resolved by explanation...if you are willing to listen...

You didn't answer your phone, and your email bounced back, so here is my message in a bottle...

Tell Me...

:: 2007 19 March :: 11.56 pm

I was just thinking about VEronica Mars, so some of you might not want to read past here:

So something has been bothering me lately. I REALLY like this show and I get really emotionally attached to the characters, but the thing that really has hit me lately is that I am a lot like veronica...bear with me...She really doesnt trust people and she runs from intimacy. She can love lots of things, but she can't say I love you to her boyfriend. she doesnt let herself really experience the emotions she feels and keeps herself distanced for fear of getting hurt ( presumably). I mean online kristen bell has been saying that logan is bad for veronica, but i think that logan and veronica are good for eachother. veronica make logan better and logan forces veronica to thaw out a little. he makes her feel things, even when she doesnt want to. and I know he is a huge player, but he doesnt cheat on her, she runs away and he looks for what he cant get from her elswhere. SHE always runs away or blows him off first then he gets another woman, and she wants him again. Avoidance is key in thier realtionship and I feel like I do that too. I avoid until I can't then If possible I lie or run away. There are a lot of things I want and I am afraid to go after them. I dont want to hurt, but I guess ploating along not feeling anything isnt working either.

Switching shows:

Our pain makes us real.

Tell Me...

:: 2007 19 March :: 3.19 pm

sooooo, i was just cleaning out my inbox and I saw an email from fantasy moguls from...about forever ago and I thought I would check to see how everything turned out, and guess what? I WON! I WAS IN FIRST PLACE!!! TAKE THAT BITCHES!

that is all.

1 Thought | Tell Me...

:: 2007 15 March :: 12.37 am

So this song was on an episode of Dawson's a while back, and then it is on one of the BEST scenes on plays at dances at both...anyway, it is a great song though.

Sway by The Perishers

I talk to you as to a friend
I hope thatís what youíve
come to be
It feels as though weíve
made amends
Like we found a way

It was you who picked
the pieces up
When I was a broken soul
And then glued me
back together
Returned to me what
others stole

I donít wanna hurt you
I donít wanna make you sway
Like I know Iíve done before
I will not do it anymore
Iíve always been a dreamer
I've had my head among
the clouds
Now that Iím coming down
Wonít you be my solid ground?

I look at you and see a friend
I hope thatís what you wanna be
Are we back now where
it all began?
Have you finally forgiven me?

You gathered my dreams in
When they all blew away
And then tricked them
back into me
You saved me I was
almost dead

Oh, and I like the Dandy Warhols too...I love it when the shows I watch have good music because then I find out about all these band I never would have otherwise...

Tell Me...

:: 2007 14 March :: 7.37 pm

well i have discovered some cool stuff lately. I found some new music thanks to VM: Spoon and The Old 97's.

I have not watched regular tv in about 2 and a half weeks...which is, admittedly, weird...but the weirder part is that i have been watching VM contunuously in that time. and that it still hold my interest. I have 2 seasons which helps, but why am I STILL watching it? I tried to watch something else the other day I i put in another disk of VM...pathetic....more pathetic? I dream in that reality. Like I live there in that town and most of the time I dont see any of the characters, but like the "cinematography" of the dream lets me know that I am there. I dont know if I am making sense, but like the way the dream looks lets me know I am in VM's world, but I still dream the normal kinds of things mostly. LAst nioght was weird though...I rode a motorcycle and took a roadtrip, but it was raining, and I went up the caost of Cali and it was really pretty....but i was riding a MOTORCYCLE.

anyway, I am just putting my work off, so I should do that instead of this.

Aaron wants to hang out this weekend...that could be cool...

Sean doesnt seem to have thought about me while he was gone, and he doesnt look to be changing that now that he is back...oh well, i have other shit to worry about.

My Aunt Shell flew to Cali to see my Aunt Paula today...I wish I hadnt messed school up so bad so I could go.

3 Thoughts | Tell Me...

:: 2007 12 March :: 12.46 am

SO here is what I did for spring break:

I watched VM for 8 days and worked at kohls for 30 hours. Those 30 hours were the only time I left my Apt. and it was the only time I wasnt watching it ( I did sleep a little too...) buit the thing is I am realizing I have a pattern. when my grandpa was really sick sophmore year I got engrossed in OTH i would stay in my room for days watching it on an endless loop, now when things are all uncertain again, I am doing the same thing with Veronica Mars (which is way better in writing, but just as frusterating and satisfying in the drama by the way). I feel relly lost right now. I used to like so much about myself and now I am really struggling. I think I made some very wrong choices and have landed myself in a situation that now I just have to dig myself out of. I came to Western when I souldnt have, I picked a major that is next to impossible to succeed at in life, I have next to no support system in this town. I run from connections and am alone in more than one sense. Right now I am justy going to get this shit over with so I can start over somewhere, anywhere.

I have a notebook of invisible questions that need letters put to them.

1 Thought | Tell Me...

:: 2007 1 March :: 11.30 am

I am smart, but my actions do not reflect it sometimes.

My Aunts cancer is worse than it seemed.

I am scared of a lot....that I will never get out of here, that I will let people down, that I will never find my "epic", and that I will not make my mark on the world...I am scared she is going to die.

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:: 2007 26 February :: 8.23 pm

so I have a new favorite show...well at least it is a tie with one tree hill.

ready? Veronica Mars. SURPRISE!

I watched seasons 1 & 2 this 2 days...less maybe...I am retarded.

I still miss you and knowing your birthday is coming makes it a little worse, but other things seem to be a little better. Last weekend I went to GR and watched the OC series finale w/ anne, then we met Mackenzie @ the country bar and line danced. It was really fun. Then I watched Veronica MArs and worked the rest of the weekend until today when I did school stuff and listened to my new Gym Class Heroes CD...good stuff.

Sean comes home from Ecuador on the 4th...I dont know what is going to happen with that. I hope something. Next week is Spring Break, and I think I am taking a road trip.

2 midterms, a test and a paper due this week....have to get on that.

love you.

1 Thought | Tell Me...

:: 2007 15 February :: 5.57 pm

The more things change, the more they stay the same. I'm not sure who the first person was who said that. Probably Shakespeare. Or maybe Sting. But at the moment, it's the sentence that best explains my tragic flaw: my inability to change.
I don't think I'm alone in this. The more I get to know other people, the more I realize it's kind of everyone's flaw. Staying exactly the same for as long as possible, standing perfectly still... It feels safer somehow. And if you are suffering, at least the pain is familiar. Because if you took that leap of faith, went outside the box, did something unexpected... Who knows what other pain might be out there, waiting for you. Chances are it could be even worse.

So you maintain the status quo. Choose the road already traveled and it doesn't seem that bad. Not as far as flaws go. You're not a drug addict. You're not killing anyone... Except maybe yourself a little....

I did not write this, i plagarized it...wait i dont even know if i did is called fatal flaw by Ephram brown...

ANYWAY. I really am glad that michelle reminded me of it beacuse it is my life right now. My life sucks BAD but i am afraid to take the leap that could fix it.

Here are my top fives right now:

Top five suckiest things:
1. My Aunt PAula has Breast Cancer
2. My grandpa is not getting better
3. I have no money, my car is in the shop and kohls is screwing me on hours
4. I have become a hermit, and get lonely sometimes
5. I am still no bucking up when it comes to school

BEst things:
1. my mom and I are doing well, in fact she is coming here this weekend
2. I am going to Prague in July
3. Although i have lost a lot of people I have some that are coming back into my life
4. Once I sell mi abuela's house i will have some money
5. I am writing and reading again

Last weekend I hung out with some freshmen....I felt lame sort of, but i had a lot of fun. I have a friend from Highschool whose little brother lives in Valley 1 and when I had the day from hell last Friday he was the only one in Kalamazoo that i could get a hold of, so i went and hung out with him and his freinds. He was very nice and watched out for me to some extent ( cuz i was belige) so i met some cool people and forgot about my problems for a night. It was the first real fun i had had in a while.

This weekend my mom is coming anf staying with me for 3 days. I am excited becuase we have been doing really well lately and i need to go grocery shopping and some other boring things and I have no car right now.

My car has been in the shop since last friday because it was fucked up bad. I have no money so my grandarents are going to pay for it ( with takes a load off) but ireally need moolah and kohls is scheduling me like NO hours a week. I am thinking about getting another job, but I really do like it there....conundrum.

I have been reading and writng a lot again, I guess i go in cycles, but the thing is everytime i begin again I do it very is a sample of something i wrote recently:

Black water meets red sky
Such is the way to find yourself
A journey with an architecture
Never known to you before
The burning sun'd extasy dies
When the lapping water quietly
Chills, momentarily, then
Turn around from your past
Confuse your empty shell with your
Empty future
Let your reliances of the outset
Become new possibilities
Never sought
Such is the way to find yourself
Death in a deepness with no
Chaos, only clarity

See, is another:

valorize not, these words that run
through my teeth like a sieve.
if anything, language only bastardizes
the emothions my heart makes
tearing open wide wounds of yesteryear
letting the blood pool round slowly
soon forgotten.
do not give me a medal for my pains
for though they are many they
are not singularly felt
or inflicted.
many suffer tragedies greater; many use
more eloquent words
there is nothing more perverse than hubris
I will not let my wounds bleed out.

I think i have written a long enough entry for tonight.

I miss you.

1 Thought | Tell Me...

:: 2007 8 February :: 7.19 pm

I am alive.

School is hard.

I think I am moving to NC in the fall.

I need to get a real life.

3 Thoughts | Tell Me...

:: 2006 7 December :: 4.57 pm

When the lights go out
is the darkness all the same?

Are my dark and twisty insides real?

You guys are flying in on the 23rd?
I can't meet you at the airport because i will be in texas until the 24th...but i will find a way to use those signs you requested.

Ms. Moody McTaint & Mr. BeerBottle Toe-Man....this way please...

hey that is almost Taoman...

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