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:: 2003 3 December :: 4.44 pm
:: Mood: bored

took another quiz......What type of soul do you have?----

You are naturally born with a gift, whether it be
poetry, writing or song. You love beauty and
creativity, and usually are highly intelligent.
Others view you as mysterious and dreamy, yet
also bold since you hold firm in your beliefs.

What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
brought to you by Quizilla

Artsy? Yeah....I guess so. I like the nose ring, though.....hott!

If you click this your computer will explode!

:: 2003 3 December :: 4.41 pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: blade techno rave

I took a quiz to see what kind of porno i would star in.........hmmm...........

Bondage movie! You're into BSDM (Bondage &
Discipline, Dominance & Submission) and chances
are, you're fond of whips, chains, harnesses,
and tight leather outfits. You like to mix a
little pain with a LOT of pleasure, baby!

What kind of porno would you star in?
brought to you by Quizilla

woo-hoo! give me a pleather outfit!

If you click this your computer will explode!

:: 2003 2 December :: 4.25 pm
:: Mood: excentric
:: Music: KORN!!

Grades are looking good!
Oh yeah I forgot.....I went down to A-Quad today and got my report card from last quarter and i didn't fail gym! Or health! or anything! I think Coach K. just didn't want me in his gym class again lol. He hates me. Anyways, here are my grades for last quarter:

Grade 12 P.E.- 71 (passed by one point!)
Health 12- 82
English IV- 90
Drawing/Commercial Art- 81
Sculpture- 95

Now all I have to do is manage another 90 in Mrs. Doyle's class (English) and I get exempt from the Exam!! Oh, that would be sweet! I think it's a 90....or at least I hope it is......meh. I just don't wanna take it. I've also handed in all my stuff for gym like the fitness folder and stuff so that should be alright. As for english....I have some work to do. I had a lot of make-up for her today but she wasn't here, we had a test and I think I did pretty well on it. Let's hope so.

Ok.....gotta go to work.

If you click this your computer will explode!

:: 2003 2 December :: 3.59 pm
:: Mood: Lovey-Dovey
:: Music: KoRn-Right Now

I Love Him....
It's crazy how no matter how much we argue I'm still so in love with him, and he the same. It's true that you can't have a healthy relationship without some obstacles along the way. It keeps you on your toes, you know? I wish he didn't work 2-10, since I get home at 2:45 and I work usually to 10. Hopefully we can do something together I don't know. Anything would be nice.

People think that just because we live together that we get to spend so much time together, maybe even too much. But that's not at all true. I never get tired of him. And I don't consider myself to be an entirely interesting person.....maybe a little crazy, but he doesn't get tired of me either. I know I would probably get sick of me sooner or later. Hehe...I guess it just works out good then :)

I can say this, sure does feel good to go to sleep next to him every night. I almost went crazy when I was at Cape Cod for a week without him....sleeping by myself. It sucked horribly! I was so glad to be home after that long week. But I did have fun! Cape Cod is awesome. I almost want to live there, but the fact that it's an extremely popular vacation spot would piss me off....all those tourists!! The traffic getting there was insane. We sat for two hours in traffic on this one road that would take a minute to drive across. Ugh. But other than that it is very beautiful. And so peaceful! Let me tell you, hearing the waves when you're sleeping is like a lulliby singing you to sleep. I want to go back!

Well, it's almost worky time. I'd better get going.

If you click this your computer will explode!

:: 2003 29 November :: 11.25 am
:: Mood: Happy :D
:: Music: Evanescense-Going Under

Just Happy....
Well today started out really well. I'm typing relly slow for some reason...but other than that pretty good morning. Tom woke up at six something this morning to go help his father work on the house and he was being really sweet to me when he left. I dunno...he said I love you first when it's usually me who says it. Listen to me...I sound like a little giggling school girl. Oh felt nice.

On the other hand I have to go to work in like ten minutes. It's not too bad though. 12-6. I think that means I get a half an hour break...I'm not sure. Then after that I asked Tom to come down and meet me there when I get out so we can go shopping! That should be fun. I don't plan on getting too much...but I probably will. Ha. I spend money too easily.

Well...gotta get going it's 11:21. Don't wanna be late...I haven't yet! Which is cool. I haven't called out yet, either, and I don't really want to. That job really isn't that tiring. More like relaxing...depending on what they make me do. Anyways...gotta go....make some money.

If you click this your computer will explode!

:: 2003 27 November :: 6.46 pm
:: Mood: Full of foods
:: Music: Warrent-Cherry Pie

Turkey Day
Thanksgiving......argh! I have to go to work tomorrow. I ate so much stuff today and I'm still eating as I write this. I'm gonna regret this in the morning :/. We had dinner here at my house with just me, Tom, Mommy, and brother. It was nice. I hate this pressure to get me to eat meat and I did!! But oh well it was really good anyhow. It was getting annoying...this whole vegetarian thing. I confess I had chinese food the other day, too. But other than that a strict vegetarian up until now. Damn you Tom. He made me do it!! I don't regret it though so it's my fault, too. Anywaysysysysysysysysysys.........

We went to Tom's grandma's house, and Tom. It was alright...big fire and more food. Talked to people. Pet the cats. Fun fun. Now I'm here again...feeling bloated lol. I shouldn't have eaten so much...I'm so tired. That's about all for today I guess. I don't wanna go to work's the biggest shopping day of the year!!

If you click this your computer will explode!

:: 2003 23 November :: 3.37 pm
:: Music: KoRn- Y'all Want A Single

Ha! Ha! Ha! So freakin happy I am! I'm in a much better state than I was a little while ago...that's for sure! Everything is resolved with Tom....Peachy keen and shit. I also got the new KoRn album.....sooo beautiful! I Love It! What the hell am I saying......I love everything about KoRn!!! And I also got a new shirt and some new socks, too! Socks make me happy! *smile* I got 2 pairs of kitty socks (one of them's sorta x-mas-y, but it's alright!) some plain black ones.....and a pair of SUPER FUZZY ones!! they're so fuzzy it's scary! The shirt is awesome it's leopard print (my fave-or-yte!) and velvetty soft. Velvet makes me happy. Ya know what else makes me happy? I saw the Jew yesterday! At the chinese restaurant! It was cool I haven't seen him in a long time!

And I also got sex after A WHOLE FRICKIN WEEK last night!! *SMILE*! Wow....things have taken a turn for the better all of a sudden. And it all happened after I made things better with what does that tell ya? I don't know exactly......but I love him anyway! So so so very much!

seems like everyone's getting hooked up lately. I just heard from Jon that he's dating a Stef chick from some far away land in Connecticut. Awesome....I'm really happy for him. Why don't Missy and Justin date? I don't get it. Meh.......not my business.

I need a new mouse......and keyboard. But I lost my money after coming back from.....*GASP!* I haven't told people yet! Ohh ooh ooh!! Must Tell!!

Friday night after getting out of work I went with John, Justin (not Kolosky), and Ron to what they told me was Hartford......but we ended up on the Berlin Turnpike because Justin couldn't read the directions. So we decided to make the best of it and we were looking for Club 2001. No luck in finding that place so we stopped to ask for directions at none other than a Gentlemen's Club. They informed us that it didn't exist anymore...we were like "great."

Justin and Ron were both over 18 and wanted to go into the gentlemen's club....leaving me and John (17) out in the car. John was like "fuck that!" and he dragged me in behind them. I kept saying "we're never gonna get in, we're never gonna get in..." to John and they just told me to keep cool and we'll see what happens. So Justin goes in first....he's like 21...and this big black guy bouncer type dude is like "I.D...." So Justin hands him his I.D. and keeps asking him "how much? how much?" all like confusing the guy and the guy's like "oh....uh....sixteen dollars each and five for the lady" So we're all scrambling with our money and we give it to the dude and he hands us each a ticket (I later learned it was for a free drink....but that was after we left) And we all walk in like holy-shit-I-can't-believe-that-worked stance and sat down at the center table thingy.

It was then that I noticed that there were naked girls dancing right in front of me....and I was like "oohhh....I get it.....Gentlemen's club.." It just didn't click in my mind until then. So the night's going on and there's so much girls are like coming up to me and playing with themselves right in my face and I though I was going to explode. Then I got to kiss one of them! She was wearing this BRIGHT red lipstick and it tasted funny.......didn't bother me too much though!!

Then there was this other girl there she was like a vampire dressed in black pleather and purple underwear with the makeup and everything. Now....listen to this......She was going crazy! So to speak. She was all climbing up the pole and sliding down it upside-down only holding onto it with her thighs/butt. Then she got up on the counter in front of these two guys and did a split right in front of them! (Now mind you that the table she did this on was only like a foot wide going around the whole dance floor) And while in the split she was all like moving her ass cheeks one at a time. It was awesome! I wanted to take her home!!

Oh god it was great!! I have to bring Tom next time!

If you click this your computer will explode!

:: 2003 20 November :: 11.59 pm
:: Mood: discontent
:: Music: Marilyn Manson-Use Your Fist and Not Your Mouth

What is This?
I think there's something wrong with me. I don't exactly know why, though. I'm just not very happy. I haven't been for a while. Maybe I hide it too well. Who knows. Sometimes I wish I had a mind reading device so that I could read what Tom was thinking. I wouldn't know otherwise. Either he doesn't like to express his feelings all that often......or he doesn't have any at all. In either case it just confuses me.

I asked him today while he was sitting at his computer if I could have a hug and he said "why?". Like I need a fucking reason....because I love you maybe? I don't know. It made me really sad. Seems like the only time he ever holds me or kisses me more than once is when we're having sex. Because if I try to kiss him for more than a second or like twice he goes "ok, ok...." and turns away from me. I can only do that if it's a prelude for going into the bedroom..... which isn't that often.

Maybe it's just me. Maybe I want too much. Just a kiss or a hug for no reason at times would make me so happy. But I can't ask for it. Actually........I already did. I think the reaction was "why do you need it?". I just don't get it sometimes. Maybe I'm looking for that puppy-love kinda thing. But that seems so stupid...........Ach......I should stop thinking. I need to go to sleep.....maybe I'll dream about something happy. Oh, wait........I forgot.......I don't dream anymore.

If you click this your computer will explode!

:: 2003 20 November :: 4.20 pm
:: Mood: Alright
:: Music: Marilyn Manson-The Golden Age of Grotesque (song)

HA I didn't wake up till 3:00 today. No school again......I think I'm gonna fail. Argh......maybe I should just go that would solve that problem. Justin called me like 15 times this morning says Mr. Caller ID. Sorry Justin!! I was so sleepy! At least I didn't promise him I was going today. I should have went anyway. Oh well.........I'm off to Andrew's house now. Another entry later.

2 Corpses | If you click this your computer will explode!

:: 2003 19 November :: 3.00 pm
:: Mood: Raging Angry (but calm as a dove)
:: Music: Angry Music-ANY!!!!

Oh Jeezus FUCKING crust.......I am so angry right now. No one would believe me if I said so......cuz I'm just kinda sittin here calmly typing with my shirt off. (It helps me calm down). Oh god I wish Tom was here.... he would calm me down.

Ugh.....where to start?? Today was just a gruesome day. Ten more minutes of no power and we would have got out of school...WHAT THE FUCK???? Stupid electricity. I felt like going outside, strapping a wet sponge onto a squirrels head and launching it into the power lines. But that probably would have made me even more sad. Then one of my good friends was sad today, that made me sad as well. I get sad when other people are's a curse. All I want is for other people I care about to be happy. And he wasn't happy...........then I asked him if I ever made him happy and he said no. Something along the lines of that......I don't remember exactly because I can't think right now. Everything is so messed up. I'm never gonna finish my tessilation in drawing class........nor my soap stone piece in sculpture. I just can't bring myself to think of anything. At all.

And it sucks so much because that's usually what I do best is think. When I have a long period of time to do it in, that is, because I'm really slow.

God dammit my computer screen is so fucking dirty from all this cigarette smoke buildup on it........which I QUIT by the way, thank you very much. I think I could use one right now though. Doesn't matter anyway cuz there's none here. and I probably wouldn't even if there was some.........SEE?!??! I no think straight!! I don't even know what I'm saying right now!

And on top of all that Coach K. is on my ass about making up all the classes I've missed. I think I've missed like four or five days so far. That equals out to about ten pages worth of writting about SPORTS!! I hate sports!! I don't wanna do that shit! If I fail 11th grade gym again I'm gonna jump out in front of a car.......that's a familiar feeling......shouldn't be that bad the second time........especially if I make it count.

I'm just gonna have to draw my heart out to settle this shitty feeling with myself. I don't like myself very much. I hate people. At some point or another someone gives me a reason to hate them. Why? I don't like to hate people. But people love to be an asshole to me. Like I wouldn't care. I have feelings.......but nobody seems to acknowledge that fact.

On a lighter first issue of Neopets Magazine came today. But no Aisha plushie they promised me. Oh. I wanted that. I probably have to send away for it or something. Bastards.

You know what else sucks? I HAVE TO GO TO WORK TODAY!! God I hate that place so much! Not the place itself......but the people in it. They're such assholes to me. Whenever I do something wrong they don't bother to tell me that I'm doing it wrong....they just keep getting pissed every time I don't do it right.....and then proceed to not tell me that they are mad at me! So I keep doing it wrong! It's a vicious cycle. I just feel like bitch-slapping those cunts every time I walk by them. Just casually walk by and *WHACK!!*, right across their stupid makeup covered faces. Maybe going to work today isn't a good idea. But I will anyway. Money is the only thing compelling me to go to that shit hole.

This has become too long already.......I'm gonna go get ready for work and hope I don't end up killing anybody today.

3 Corpses | If you click this your computer will explode!

:: 2003 18 November :: 11.09 pm
:: Mood: reaccuring thoughts of suicide
:: Music: AC/DC-Back in Black

First real entry
Woo-hoo! Here we go! The subjournal said I could only hold up to 20 entries and I was like......I need more room than that. Cuz I wouldn't want to delete all my older ones. So here I am!! Here! Yup......anyways.....I feel weird. I drew a picture of a heart with hooks in it pulling and ripping it in 3 different directions. It's gotta mean something. And I can't stop looking at it. It's drawn on a piece of cardboard. There's a squirrel eating a nut and an AC/DC logo that's all shiney on the same peice of cardboard. So what does that mean I wonder? HHHMMMMMMM!!!!!! I don't know. I like squirrels and AC/DC.....but the heart I just don't know.

I think Justin is mad at me for not being in school today. Oh, wait............I KNOW he's mad at me. Not my fault I went back to bed. Well, maybe it geez. I'd better go tomorrow or he's gonna throw me down the stairs.

Speaking of death.........I've been thinking a lot about suicide today. I could never go through with it though.........I'm too afraid to do it. The thought of dying scares the hell out of me, and I cringe whenever bringing a razor blade to my wrist. (The thought of sharp objects ripping through flesh just disgusts me). So I'm not going anywhere anytime soon. Don't worry your little hearts out.

I just realized that I had a sprite bottle in front of me. Cool! Argh I can't open it. I'm so weak :(. Must have the soda.......! YAY! Got it! You're all mine now.............I mean what? Yeah I'm gonna go now.

If you click this your computer will explode!

:: 2003 18 November :: 10.09 pm
:: Mood: sad i guess
:: Music: blade 2 rave scene

other crap from before
These are all my other entries from the profile thing. Blahhhhahh!!

This is New.... [10/16/03 1:09 AM]
I just created my subprofile! Wheeeeee!! Anyway... I also start work Monday! I work at TJ Maxx now if you didnt know. I didn't sleep Monday night, and I didnt go to school today. I have weird sleeping patterns. I woke up at 5:30 pm today after going to sleep at like 2:30 in the morning. Ach. And I probably wont go to sleep tonite either. Jeez. I hope I dont fail gym again, that sucks. I have to make up some classes. hope you enjoy the subprofileness.
Mood: deranged
Music: My Heart Goes Pee-Threebrain

I don't know [10/16/03 4:07 AM]
It's 3:35 in the morning Thursday. As I said I am still up. I should be sleeping, but it's kinda late (or early) for that. Maybe I'll walk to school today, maybe not. I've been getting progressively lazier. It's not doing me too good. Maybe now that I have some purpose, what little it is, with a job and all, I'll start being a little more active. I don't know what to say. You can only have so much fun by yourself. I myself am quite bored.
Mood: lonely
Music: The Sun Doesn't Rise at All-Mushroom Head

God damn so bored.... [10/19/03 11:57 PM]
Yes. I am very BORED. I don't know what to write. Why am I writting at all. This is just making me even more bored. GOD DAMMIT I can't wait until I start my job, no more boredness. I start tomorrow. I don't think I've been this happy about a job in a long time. And it's TJ maxx for crust's sake. Yes, I said crust. Going to bed.
Mood: B-O-R-E-D
Music: Serenity-Godsmack

um...........I saw a bunny..........? [11/10/03 4:54 PM]
uhh......yeah. I don't know at all. I have to leave for work in like 20 minutes. I really don't wanna go, I'd REALLY like to sleep right now......didn't sleep at all last night. I was reading all of Maddox's reviews, didn't finish them though. That guy is a fucking genius. And I finally saw pictures of Dan's friend at college......he's pretty good looking. If anyone cares at all. Doubt it. Meh... I don't know if I wanna come home tonight. Maybe just because it's freezing outside I will. But I'll still have to sit here and be bored because Tom's on the computer all night. What a should be pretty boring as usual....everyone there hates me I swear. The only people that talk to me are John and Brandon (who subsided talking to me as often when I told him I had a boyfriend...loser.) Argh...maybe someone will come visit me if I'm lucky. But my store is boring anyway. I hope Wendi comes over like she said she would. That would be cool. Well......I'm blabbing now so I'm off to work.
Mood: Tedious
Music: Mudvayne- Not Falling

Everything smells.... [11/11/03 1:39 AM]
I walked outside to go to work today and the air was insatiably putrid today for some reason. Oh, wait........this is Torrington. Right. So anyways... I smelled various odors in the air on my way down to TJX listening to Evanescence on my headphones. Some of which I could identify were: smelly socks, laundry, barbequed ribs, garbage, sauteed chicken (it was sauteed, ok?), and tacos. Maybe I had some sort of extra-sensory smelling nose today....but thats exactly what I smelled. Just thought I'd share this with all of you. Good night.
Mood: Horny
Music: DJ Cookie-Fly on the Wings of Love

Well that's that. My journal is now going to be officially here. And not there.....okie dokie then.

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