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[Being To Be]

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:: 2017 27 July :: 12.55pm

liberty ain't cheap and freedom ain't free
im a millennial, blame it all on me

What do you think?


:: 2017 24 July :: 3.41pm

didn't get the supervisor position i applied for.

not surprised not really disappointed just kinda meh

im ready for a new chapter im ready for a change but i'm just stuck stagnating

maybe a few more years and it'll be my time

What do you think?


:: 2017 23 July :: 1.00am

i just want to give myself to love completely

but there's something holding me back

as of yet a nameless creature stalking me silently from the shadows

went to a beautiful wedding today one where i felt the desire to share my heart in front of those i fear the judgement of the most

i want to bear my heart to someone

but fear leaves me standing in shade waiting for the beast to take me

What do you think?


:: 2017 20 July :: 12.28am

leaden wights pulling down on the corners of my broken heart
i harden to an icy black cold
shut down drowning the right words to say

vacuucuous hollow hole deep inside
where once was something pink and full

what is the future when you can't find a voice
hiding behind medicine enveloping conciousness
mirrors reveal a strange mystery

left thrashing furiously against the endless depth
leviathan melancholy
swallows the world whole

What do you think?


:: 2017 19 July :: 11.54pm

im in a shite mood.

never ever moving to the same town as those people.

i don't think i could handle it

What do you think?


:: 2017 18 July :: 10.15pm

it's hard not to feel somewhat bitter seeing everyone around you realizing your dreams while you are stuck on a hamster wheel.

i work so hard and i get nowhere

everyone around me works hard and gets to move forward

what's wrong with me

What do you think?


:: 2017 16 July :: 6.01pm

i have yet to see much of a difference between america and canada! gas is sold in an odd way. people still drive like buttholes.

it's been nothing but wind and smoke since we got here.. ahhhhh feels like home!

What do you think?


:: 2017 14 July :: 4.09pm

i love emily she is the best human being i know

i cannot fucking wait to visit canada for the first time!

spending 2 nights in waterton, surrounded by lakes and forests and glaciers (what's left of those)

it's going to be another epic trip! these yearly adventures are what keep me going.

daring escapes
saving princesses
slaying witches


What do you think?


:: 2017 6 July :: 11.17am

i was born no good

and no good is what i'll forever be

What do you think?


:: 2017 1 July :: 6.58am

im tired of always being the back up friend, the bank, the taxi.

im tired of always being a last resort. a go to when people dump you.

but no one is ever there for me when i need it. kind words are rare to come by.

my brother is probably my best friend right now, which is kinda fucked up. but at least he asks me if i'm ok.

im tired. so so tired.

What do you think?


:: 2017 1 July :: 12.28am

i hate my job because of its repetitive, redundant, and bureaucratic nature. i perform the same task over and over again and get allotted a different % in different categories. my goals are based in these %. hitting goal gets me raise. but still i find this as motivational as a free foot massage would be to the act of standing up.

yet, i play this repetitious fantasy social game, competeing with my teammates and other teams. i love this escape, despite its repetitive game play, performing simple repetitive tasks and participating in events so you can collect 'em all! but it absorbs me and i get lost in trying to climb higher in my team ranks. it makes me feel very validated to see my number of medals go up.

at work we set goal numbers at the beginning of the week and then show our end of week, and celebrate each other for doing well or whatever.

it's never very motivating. i keep a diary of every interaction i have for almost 1 past year (i delete after a year). i love scrolling back through my weeks and seeing how much work i've done. i like seeing that i've actually accomplished a great deal of work despite being pulled in many directions. and today i was chastised for doing this. then i was chastised for putting what i felt to be an essential step to a process in an instructional video i've done a billion times.

i have an interview on monday for a supervisor position. i won't get it but i just need the exposure i need to try something. i cried for 2 hours at work but my boss (who is out of blue abandoning me) thinks i should stay. despite how miserable i am.

but maybe it's not work. maybe it's me. how can i tell?

anyway it would be cool to make work feel more like a game. so i could feel accomplished for getting shit done rather than buried in it.

bleh. no one cares. my life is boring.


What do you think?


:: 2017 29 June :: 5.32pm

im just ready for this all to stop.

i hate every single god damned beautiful day.

What do you think?


:: 2017 20 June :: 10.45pm

applied to a job outside of LM

i really, really want this

i need out, everything is screaming at me GET THE FUCK OUT

so why do i hesitate

What do you think?


:: 2017 16 June :: 8.38pm

boring bland artificial vanilla pasty vapid windbag is all i have amounted to

remember the days when you still felt alive?

What do you think?


:: 2017 15 June :: 3.02pm





What do you think?


:: 2017 15 June :: 12.17pm

how much would everyone hate me if i just decided to get knocked up and did it all myself

What do you think?


:: 2017 14 June :: 8.24pm

today i smoked a blunt which was wrapped with a single marijuana leaf.

it tasted delicious and made my lips tingle pleasantly.

i just love weed so god damned much.

it's my life line out of this insanity.

What do you think?


:: 2017 7 June :: 1.25pm

dear computers everywhere:



fuck you

What do you think?


:: 2017 28 May :: 8.56pm

i am so incredibly stoned right night

i have consumed mucho el smoko to help me feel like i can't feel

i like joints because they remind me of cigarettes i miss those little

what i miss is knowing i'll die sooner
because this world makes me so loathe to be here

i just miss you. more than i thought i would. but i'm working in trying to stifle my emotions and act like a strong independent woman, as much as i don't want to.

What do you think?


:: 2017 28 May :: 10.50am

don't worry about me. i don't need anyone. im strong enough on my own.

What do you think?


:: 2017 26 May :: 7.34am

every day my heart breaks a little more

empty words spoken by false friends

if you really wanted to help me you'd be there for me

just saying you care isn't enough

maybe i should care more too.

What do you think?


:: 2017 25 May :: 2.19pm

i sit at work and think about what's going on in the world

what's BEEN going on in the world since the rise of man

thinking about all the plastic in our oceans and in our animals and our landfills

thinking about all the cancer and disease nuclear weapons and power have cause

all the cancer and dealt that corporations have caused

all the countless cultures that were erased due to christianity

people who were once, or still are, slaves to the greedy and powerful

and the. i look at the boxes with the never ending red dots

and all the cuts to our benefits

and all the retaliation and politics

and it's all i can do to not burst into tears

everything is so absolutely hopeless.
what's the point.

What do you think?


:: 2017 15 May :: 10.08am

i said goodbye with my mouth

but my heart still holds you inside

twisted and contorted

did i do the right thing

What do you think?


:: 2017 13 May :: 1.26am

as you grow older and notice patterns in behavior

when i'm extremely stressed and feeling particularly out of control i floss

i also push my body way too hard and in the bad way i hope i wasn't as mean to myself as i think

sooo excited about j's new place! makes me nostalgic for my apartment
especially now that it's summer

What do you think?


:: 2017 4 May :: 9.27pm

first time playing quarters TOTAL DOMINATION

What do you think?


:: 2017 29 April :: 2.34pm

i am so so tired

why so tired

What do you think?


:: 2017 22 April :: 10.45am

i think my boyfriend and i have the same cycle

that or he really hates when i do stuff without him

either way i don't like it

What do you think?


:: 2017 15 April :: 7.28pm

finally home after the portland trip. concert was bitchin. had a super fun time.

can't tell if i'm depressed or just pms'ing

just love being home so much

What do you think?


:: 2017 11 April :: 10.00pm

every year i try harder and harder to love my birthday

and every year it gets harder and harder to enjoy it

it's just a reminder of how many people i've had to leave behind how many people i loved deeply who hurt me people who i trusted people i shouldn't have trusted dreams set on false pretenses and a deep desperate desire to be needed

all my self doubt and fear about the future

my shame and regrets

my failures

then combine with hanging out with people who i only talk to through text who all hate each other the futile attempts to have everyone have fun and get along and then becoming the DD because i can't trust anyone else

i just am a fucking wet blanket and i hate it but i feel powerless to change it

i hate this

What do you think?


:: 2017 7 April :: 5.42pm

happy birthday to me
vacation's all i ever wanted
vacation got to get away

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