buttercupistiny's Journal

buttercupistiny's Journal

:: 2008 3 June :: 11.23 pm

This dull ache. It eats away at my strength, sapping my will to keep going. I miss you so damn much that it hurts to think about it. So I distract myself, and decide to read/write a bit. and in writing and reading, I see you, and I can't ignore it. my plan backfires and I wind up worse off than I was to begin with.

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:: 2008 31 May :: 1.46 am

Five years ago, I lettered in Rifles, an ROTC drill team, but there was no record that I had ASB, and since I didn't have access to the reciept, no letter was awarded. Since then, Colonel has claimed that I never lettered. grrr.

Tonight I lettered in Wind Ensemble.
Mr Withrow called up the first year kids that lettered, and then asked me if I had one. I replied no, and he told me to come up to recieve one. So now I have my varsity letter, and I'm an extremely happy camper XD

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:: 2008 26 May :: 2.27 am

i need to sleep.but my brain won't shut down.

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:: 2008 24 May :: 11.42 pm

I really wish the random urge to sob would stop rearing its ugly head just before I try to go to sleep. Wet pillows are sucky to sleep on.

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:: 2008 23 May :: 6.38 pm

Holy Guacamole with chips on rye, Batman!
I realized I haven't updated at all this week!
so, to recap:
Monday:
School. Homework. Justin? I think. Yep. Just I love yous, but there was interaction. More homework. Bothering Robert. CSI. Sleep.
Tuesday:
Robert. School. Homework. Practicing. Brave Little Toaster. Sleep.
Wednesday:
School. Homework. Justin. Robert. Mandie. CSI. Drawing. Justin. Scrubs. Sleep.
OFFICIALLY PASSING ALL CLASSES!
Thursday: School. PT. School. Homework. Mandie. Tornado. Robert. Justin. Sleep.
Friday:
Mandie. School. Band Practice...
and planning on packing, cleaning my room, make-up work, drawing, and practicing at some point this weekend. we'll see how that goes.

oh, and for those keeping track, It is 28 days, 15 hours, 1 minute and 47 seconds until Saturday, June 21, 2008

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:: 2008 17 May :: 7.52 pm

in less than 5 weeks, I get to spend two consecutive weeks with the man I intend to marry.
SQUEEEEEEEEEE

edit:
Sir, hearing your voice always makes me feel like everything is gonna be okay. So thank you for calling me. It is now bedtime for the Shannon, I'll hopefully talk to you tomorrow.

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:: 2008 17 May :: 4.34 pm

So my "brother" Robert has this girlfriend named Dervla. And Dervla thinks a lot like I do. Dervla is also five years younger than me. The other day she told me that she looked up to me. This disturbed me greatly. What the hell kind of role model am I?

And then I realized. I made a friend on wooho named Mandie. I think a lot like Mandie. I'm also 3 years younger than her. I told her the other day that I like talking to her because she thinks a lot like me, but has an older, wiser, perspective, albeit not much of one. But enough that she'll say something like "just concentrate on one thing at a time" and I'll listen. I realized I look up to her kinda.

And I wondered, Does that disturb her greatly?

Mandie, I hope your move is going well, and that you've managed to find a comfy place to sleep that isn't the floor. =]

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:: 2008 15 May :: 11.15 pm

36 days. I miss you. and apparently so does my mom... o_0
she says she'll have my baby book finished by the time we get married. She amuses me. when she isn't making me anxious and upset. =\

it's all starting to sink in...

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:: 2008 14 May :: 7.22 pm

I haven't been this excited in a long time!
hooray for good days!

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:: 2008 12 May :: 12.39 am

I can't sleep at the moment.
I need to.
I miss him desperately.
and this semester I have to study for finals without him.
and that is infinitely sucky.

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:: 2008 10 May :: 9.31 pm

A Day in the Life
from the moment I wake up on my side, constant reminders. It's my bed, my alarm clock, in my parents' room. pain in my side, great. Good morning to you too Edward. Flipping over, now that takes some work to pull off. but I manage. I walk myself up to sitting with my elbows, only to fall down a couple times. There. I'm up. no clean cotton for this kid. oh no. stupid leakage protection pad. feels like I've got an honest to god towel between my legs. time to get dressed. so little fits now. my arms are huge, and there's always the chance that my colostomy, Edward, will make his presence known and I'll be stuck with a third boob all day. pulling up pants is a freaking chore. stepping into them, that was easy. now it's lean and hike, lean and hike, over and over and over. and then I can't fasten them because I sit all day and they irritate the scars. I have a waist, but my legs are atrophying. pants look really stupid sometimes. I'm glad hip huggers are in style because they're low riding and I don't have to worry about them hitting my colostomy. I dread the day that flares go out. putting on clean socks has always been my favorite. now it's just frustrating. I miss the way my sneakers felt when I laced them. I shrug. nothing I can do about that now. I roll to the bathroom, grimace at myself in the mirror. get it out of my system. "you're still beautiful" I tell myself, following the instructions of a close friend. "Yeah, but I never thought I was beautiful in the first place, so what difference does it make?" I smart mouth back. there. that felt better. good old self deprecation. never fails. I'm running late. I want to leap down the stairs two or three at a time. but no, lock, transfer, down the stairs at an excruciatingly slow pace. transfer. I grab my backpack. man I miss slinging that thing around. granted, I complained almost constantly, but my shoulders miss its padded straps. no climbing up the school bus steps for me, oh now. the loud rickety lift creaks and then smacks against the concrete. I wish I could walk to school again. quiet and unnoticed, that would be pretty awesome. tying myself down on the bus is humiliating. I feel like a shipping container. not a person, a thing. We get to school, down with the lift, off with me. I never used to get to school in time to do anything beforehand. I feel so stupid. I go and hang with my new friends. They're pretty awesome. except we sit by the quad. apparently when it was built it was "the spirit pit" steps lead down in. my friends and I sit/stand on the first tier on the side by the planter. it only sucks when the group gets so big that we extend down a step and I can't hug a new arrival unless they come up to me. no sneak attacks either. the bell rings and it's off to class, where teachers stick me in the front or the back, whichever happens to be closest to the door. I miss having a randomly assigned seat.

Dinner eventually happens. I pull up to the table, my spot doesn't have a chair anymore, just an empty space.

I head up to bed eventually. into the bathroom. I pull my hair up into a bun. I can barely see above my shoulders in the mirror. I go to brush my teeth, and my chin barely gets far enough to spit into the sink. I dislike being small at that moment. I change into pajamas, and of course change my socks. but neither of those things change my attitude like they used to. I transfer to my bed. pick up my legs one at a time and rest them on the bed. I turn so my back is now towards my headboard and pick up my leg. Visual self examination. new bruise? new scratch? new pressure mark I need to watch? this time I find nothing. I lower the leg to my pajama pants and repeat the process. All clear. I bend my right knee and flop unceremoniously onto my right side. I grab the body pillow and pull it up between my thighs. I swing my hip to bring my left leg up to the pillow, sometimes it gets there, sometimes it requires assistance. I position my leg. I turn my torso slightly, to squish the right side of my stomach. hopefully force something out of my colostomy during the night. I grab moo and fluffy. I flick the switches to turn on my alarm. I turn off my light. I try to wiggle my toes. I see a star. I make a wish. maybe it'll come true. a few have. I turn on some music and close my eyes. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I wonder if anyone ever wished this on me. "that's just stupid," I argue. "go to bed." So I do.

Repeat until sanity is strained

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:: 2008 10 May :: 5.50 pm

1000 hours to go

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:: 2008 9 May :: 4.11 pm

I stayed in Miller's room all day today. the ruckus threat of the day was paint and clorox filled water balloons. Yay for immaturity! I didn't want to risk it. thus I edited my brain into oblivion. but the video came out well, in my opinion :]

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