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caffeinating a church on monday (jazz)

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:: 2003 11 December :: 11.47 pm

and everything just feels like rain
the road we're on, the things we crave
and everything just feels like rain
if i should sleep, what's left to dream
when everything feels like rain

only fools welcome.

:: 2003 11 December :: 1.12 am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: andre 3000 and norah jones - take off your cool

7 months.

7 months?

seven months.

Seven Months.

does that seem right?

seven months since conor's gotten kissed. (i'm not counting eve. i was drunk, stoned, and i dont think i can recall much of what happened except for what i was thinking afterward)

seven months since lucy.

it's been 6 weeks already and lucy's on her way back from maine... i think.

i only wrote her once.

i need a car. i need a girl. i need to get out of the house.

only fools welcome.

:: 2003 7 December :: 6.06 am

i shouldnt've been surprised.

another wasted weekend.

came home around 2pm friday and spent all night awake. not doing much of anything. listening to music, watching tv.

i woke up at 6pm saturday. i saw no sunlight.

it's not 5:53 am sunday. it's still dark. i haven't slept.

i need to meet new people. i really need new people. i dont know what i'm going to do today. most likely nothing. it's common. my sleep cycle is fucked. it's 5:54am.

i need to write lucy. fuck.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

this week is not going to be good.

only fools welcome.

:: 2003 5 December :: 11.20 pm
:: Music: the strokes - barely legal

caffienatidjazz (11:04:03 PM): that was eve on as you earlier, right?

FunkyNedAvenger (11:04:21 PM): yea

caffienatidjazz (11:04:25 PM): oh

FunkyNedAvenger (11:04:27 PM): and she did try to kick me in the nutsw

caffienatidjazz (11:04:38 PM): good.

FunkyNedAvenger (11:04:47 PM): :-D

caffienatidjazz (11:05:11 PM): i'm not worried about the mcnugget thing though. she should know first hand (pun intended) it's not true.

FunkyNedAvenger (11:06:19 PM): oh we know. olivia: "so how big is he?" eve: "im not even gonna feed his ego by telling."

1 comment(s) from simple minds | only fools welcome.

:: 2003 5 December :: 9.57 pm
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: the walkmen - everyone who pretended to like me is gone

caffienatidjazz (8:43:22 PM): IM will
caffienatidjazz (8:43:24 PM): funkmasterwp

"funkmasterwp (8:12:52 PM): does kenji have aim?"

Thugging Rich (8:43:46 PM): okay

caffienatidjazz (8:45:54 PM): did you listen to t-intro2.mp3?

Thugging Rich (8:45:59 PM): Yeah
Thugging Rich (8:46:01 PM): it was hot


caffienatidjazz (9:27:31 PM): is will thuggin it up?

Thugging Rich (9:28:46 PM): Yup
Thugging Rich (9:28:50 PM): You should collaborate with him

caffienatidjazz (9:28:54 PM): no, i shouldn't.

Thugging Rich (9:29:02 PM):
Thugging Rich (9:29:06 PM): listen to Femme

caffienatidjazz (9:29:11 PM): i've seen it. i've heard them.

Thugging Rich (9:29:20 PM): it's good
Thugging Rich (9:29:34 PM): why don't you like him?

caffienatidjazz (9:29:50 PM): the site is arrogant and stupid, and the mp3s are what will does. good. i was in a band with him for him for 5 years, i dont feel like being told that he's better than me so i should work with him
caffienatidjazz (9:29:58 PM):
caffienatidjazz (9:30:06 PM): theres a whole list in there somewhere
caffienatidjazz (9:30:09 PM): a convo with sara
caffienatidjazz (9:30:28 PM): before ****, ****, ****, ****, and ****all realized he's an annoying douche

Thugging Rich (9:30:57 PM): oh?
Thugging Rich (9:31:14 PM): Okay, look, why don't you two sit down and work it out -- that way, we can ALL record together
Thugging Rich (9:31:17 PM): and crank out some good shit

caffienatidjazz (9:31:28 PM): the only thing i'm narrowminded about is working with music with will again. there's no point to it, it's over.
caffienatidjazz (9:31:49 PM): it's like saying "when are the beatles reforming"
or asking a 30 year old when they're going back to highschool
caffienatidjazz (9:32:03 PM): and the fact that i can't stand him as a person adds to that a lot

Thugging Rich (9:32:21 PM): you have incredible ideas w/o layout
Thugging Rich (9:32:27 PM): -- he has the sound layout without incredible ideas
Thugging Rich (9:32:32 PM): It's like two pieces of a missing puzzle

caffienatidjazz (9:32:51 PM): i dont want to work with him and i dont want to be viewed as someone who needs him, or is a missing part of his puzzle.

Thugging Rich (9:33:05 PM): Two peices of a puzzle
Thugging Rich (9:33:08 PM): you both are pieces lol
Thugging Rich (9:33:30 PM): The puzzle is a good end-product

caffienatidjazz (9:33:38 PM): i dont care
caffienatidjazz (9:33:45 PM): i write songs for myself, not for will

Thugging Rich (9:33:45 PM): alright..

caffienatidjazz (9:34:13 PM): he's got his own ideas, his own ambitions, his own musical tastes. i dont want to be a part of that

Thugging Rich (9:35:11 PM): Alright. Man, but that would be GOOD music together. And I'm not saying he's better than you

caffienatidjazz (9:35:34 PM): i'm not worried about the music as much as i dont want to work with him.

Thugging Rich (9:35:55 PM): Okay, here's my opinion
Thugging Rich (9:36:13 PM): If you don't work together, you'd both have fun with music, and do your thing
Thugging Rich (9:36:27 PM): if you DO work together, you'd possibly make it big
Thugging Rich (9:36:41 PM): but you'd have to make sacrifices

caffienatidjazz (9:36:55 PM): if i'm gonna make it big, it won't be with him.
caffienatidjazz (9:37:41 PM): i'm sick of being dependant on him, i played bass and stood behind the scenes for 5 years and i was the asshole made to kick people out, and it was a stupid situation. i dont enjoy working with will anymore

Thugging Rich (9:38:07 PM): That was 5 years.. this'd be fresh -- and I don't see what's the harm in trying ONE song
Thugging Rich (9:38:13 PM): if you don't like making it, stop
Thugging Rich (9:38:18 PM): but you should @ least give it a chance

caffienatidjazz (9:39:09 PM): i put up with will since 4th grade. i put up with him in a band until thanksgiving last year. i dont want to go back and i dont see the point. the cons outweigh the pros. i wouldnt be happy with a recording made by me and will even if it was good.

Thugging Rich (9:39:27 PM): Why not just give one song a chance?

caffienatidjazz (9:40:04 PM): because there's no point. i wouldn't be happy with it, i wouldn't be happy recording it, and i'm not going to put myself out there like that again for someone, especially will. I'm happy with the way I'm progressing on guitar and would like to continue that way instead of being will's sideman

Thugging Rich (9:40:13 PM): You're guessing
Thugging Rich (9:40:17 PM): people can change

caffienatidjazz (9:40:22 PM): will hasn't changed
caffienatidjazz (9:40:25 PM): i know him a hell of a lot better than you do

Thugging Rich (9:40:37 PM): so whaat. You should try one song
Thugging Rich (9:40:49 PM): what'd that be max? 10 hours of "jeesh, this was a bad idea"?

caffienatidjazz (9:41:04 PM): so that would be completely against everything I say, do, or intend. there's no point in going back to that.

Thugging Rich (9:41:21 PM): Na, it wouldn't be going back to anything
Thugging Rich (9:41:25 PM): it'd be more of "I'm trying something new out -- and I don't want THIS to happen"

caffienatidjazz (9:41:26 PM): yes. it would.

caffienatidjazz (9:41:33 PM): because he's the same person he was 2 years ago
caffienatidjazz (9:41:35 PM): and before that
caffienatidjazz (9:42:08 PM): seriously though, he's got his own thing going. he has better equipment than me, he can play guitar better than me, let him do it. i dont want to be a part of that and i dont see the point.
caffienatidjazz (9:42:13 PM): i dont want to talk about it anymore

Thugging Rich (9:42:29 PM): Fine, but you're being reaaaal stubborn for little reason

Auto response from caffienatidjazz (9:42:29 PM): Well I'm a modern guy I don't care much for the go-go
or the retro image I see so often telling me to
keep trying maybe you'll get here someday
keep up the working, ok
I close the book on them right there
I see myself change as the days change over
I hear the songs and the words don't change
I write them out of the book right there
We've been had, you say it's over
Sometimes I'm just happy I'm older
We've been had I know it's over
Somehow it got easy to laugh out loud
See me age 19 with some dumb haircut from
1960 moving to New York City
live with my friends there we're all taking the same steps
they're foolish now

caffienatidjazz (9:42:57 PM): i make music for me, not for you. and if i dont want to work with will, i'm not going to.

Thugging Rich (9:43:16 PM): Okay, whatever, man. If you ain't up to it, I don't care

Auto response from caffienatidjazz (9:43:16 PM): Well I'm a modern guy I don't care much for the go-go
or the retro image I see so often telling me to
keep trying maybe you'll get here someday
keep up the working, ok
I close the book on them right there
I see myself change as the days change over
I hear the songs and the words don't change
I write them out of the book right there
We've been had, you say it's over
Sometimes I'm just happy I'm older
We've been had I know it's over
Somehow it got easy to laugh out loud
See me age 19 with some dumb haircut from
1960 moving to New York City
live with my friends there we're all taking the same steps
they're foolish now

only fools welcome.

:: 2003 4 December :: 9.28 pm
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: Talia (introduction)

caffienatidjazz (9:08:31 PM):

letsthrowthings (8:55:53 PM): i like it
letsthrowthings (8:56:22 PM): hah i think it's cute:-D

Jewrappic J (8:52:00 PM): i like it alot

MKylie419 (9:04:43 PM): yea now that i've listened to this 7 times lol

mmmm muffin man (8:57:24 PM): its pretty. its like... the music you should hear when you.. well if you could... look at the planets.. and just kind of wander around them and circle them.. and be amazed.
mmmm muffin man (8:57:30 PM): thats what i think of
mmmm muffin man (9:03:09 PM): some random kid you don tknow likes your song a lot too

Random Kid I Don't Know (9:01:57 PM): wow i like this a lot
Random Kid I Don't Know (9:03:58 PM): very... spacy
Random Kid I Don't Know (9:04:07 PM): i feel like i could uber mellow out to that

caffienatidjazz (9:12:23 PM): i'm actually proud of a composition.
caffienatidjazz (9:12:26 PM): it's a first!


i lied.

MisaSoupe (10:30:20 PM): umm...honestly, I liked the original the best
MisaSoupe (10:30:22 PM): ages ago
MisaSoupe (10:30:32 PM): w/just the piano

funkmasterwp (10:09:39 PM): i dont dig it.
caffienatidjazz (10:10:05 PM): hmm
funkmasterwp (10:10:19 PM): i liked it with the strings and stuff

FunkyNedAvenger (10:11:06 PM): frankly, im not diggin it either.
FunkyNedAvenger (10:11:11 PM): too muddy.
FunkyNedAvenger (10:11:15 PM): er, muffled
FunkyNedAvenger (10:11:25 PM): spimplify dude/

caffienatidjazz (10:11:27 PM): the noise track?

FunkyNedAvenger (10:12:10 PM): everything.
FunkyNedAvenger (10:12:13 PM): too much going on
FunkyNedAvenger (10:12:19 PM): too loose feeling

only fools welcome.

:: 2003 3 December :: 11.05 pm

MonkeySoupG7 (10:50:45 PM): conor...girls are fucking ridiculous

caffienatidjazz (10:50:51 PM): ?

MonkeySoupG7 (10:50:54 PM): nicki just spent an hour of her night making me miserable

caffienatidjazz (10:51:01 PM): ??

MonkeySoupG7 (10:51:28 PM): eh excerpt....


piink lem0nade (7:45:19 PM): im not because your voice annoys him and he has no intentions of dating you
piink lem0nade (7:45:29 PM): but why don't you keep your slutty little ass out of my way in the hallway
piink lem0nade (7:45:37 PM): and look away from me an dmy boyfriend
piink lem0nade (7:45:40 PM): cuz obviously you ARENT over it


MonkeySoupG7 (10:52:58 PM): you want more?? THERE IS A SHIT LOAD MORE!! this girl is actually trying to make me want to die


i have to say. that's ridiculous.

2 comment(s) from simple mindss | only fools welcome.

:: 2003 3 December :: 11.02 pm
:: Music: cake - leather sofa

i'm trying to figure out who respects me... and why.

and why i'm such a dick.

eh. life ain't too shitty. just tired.

only fools welcome.

:: 2003 2 December :: 9.20 pm
:: Music: cat power - nude as the news


2 comment(s) from simple mindss | only fools welcome.

:: 2003 1 December :: 5.01 pm

couldn't sleep last night.

4:30am - finally pass out from nyquilling insomnia
6:00am - dad wakes me up yelling "turn off the radio get up don't do this to me. just get up now." Loose Fur is playing on my cd player. how it got turned on? no idea.
6:45am - "dad i feel like i'm gonna puke"
6:50am - I puke
7:00am - dad: "It doesn't help that you were up till 3am last night" Dad goes upstairs.

so i missed the bus. was my dad going to take me in? I got my jacket back on and sat on the couch waiting for him to come downstairs. I sat there for 2 hours. My mom comes down looking for me "Conor, you're still down here? Go up to bed. Here, I'll help you"

I go back to sleep at 9:10

10:20 comes around and my dad wakes me up saying he's taking me to school.

So i went through today looking like shit and feeling like shit.

Got home and i had three pieces of mail for me. Rachel Sampson from HCBF's mix, another letter from lucy, and an elderly instruments store catalog. that doesn't help the guitar g.a.s.

oh well. I'll be hittin the hay early tonight.

oh, and Ave, I deleted your .TMax. comments.

12 comment(s) from simple mindss | only fools welcome.

:: 2003 30 November :: 8.44 pm
:: Music: wilco - why would you wanna live

last night:

SuperNat211 (11:42:41 PM): conor! i aboloutly love yoU! and i vompletely regreat being with katie tongiht and not yoU!

1 comment(s) from simple minds | only fools welcome.

:: 2003 29 November :: 9.20 pm
:: Music: wilco - handshake drugs, wilco - misunderstood

so i called natalie today around 6. last night was busted and somehow i wanted to make it up to her for not doing anything about will last night.

katie wanted to see nat today.

she got there before anything got arranged with me.

another wasted night. another night alone? i'm used to it.

she's here till tuesday, if i dont see her before then, i wont see her till xmas break.

but anyways.

maybe tomorrow. maybe another time.

i bought a book today. a book i had already bought. "and you shall know our velocity" by dave eggers. i lost my last copy after 50 pages. fuckers.

i also met my future bride... a guild acoustic in a lambertville used shop. she will be mine.

if not by xmas, then ill find a way to work for the money.

anyways. i talk too much. i don't talk enough.

i have potential. i need work.


5 minutes later:

caffienatidjazz (9:29:33 PM): just so you know so you dont come back at me in a week saying i was bullshitting you or lying to you. i really wanted to spend a night with nat, and put my ass on the line and called her and arranged for that to happen. i didn't mean to make you feel uninvited or uncomfortable or third-wheelish but in the end it was nat that felt like the third wheel, and i really didn't get to spend the time i wanted to with her. not that your presence wasn't appreciated, but i see you every day at school and i see nat once a break if i'm lucky.
caffienatidjazz (9:30:05 PM): knowing that you say you appreciate honesty, there it is.

Will (9:30:39 PM): :-)
Will (9:30:49 PM): my apologies

caffienatidjazz (9:30:58 PM): right. that.
caffienatidjazz (9:32:22 PM): so next time... your job is not to stay for the movie, and leave that to me... alright?

Will (9:33:14 PM): i said i didnt want to come to the told me differently...or she did, i cant5 remember\

caffienatidjazz (9:34:29 PM): last i heard was me saying good bye, dont get too wet on the way home, and you saying "i think i'll stay for the movie"... and somehow you wound up in the middle of us, my confidence shot, and i give up.

Will (9:35:39 PM): well im sorry you felt that way...seriously...
Will (9:35:51 PM): theres still time.
Will (9:36:00 PM): tomorrow...fuck her... in hte bum.

caffienatidjazz (9:36:37 PM): yeah, no problem, i dont know if i put off a too friendly front, maybe i should have told you to step off, i've considered all faults.. believe me.

i can't. well i could. i tried to get together with her tonight but katie james got there before we figured out where we were gonna go.

Will (9:37:54 PM): well...shes not leaving till tuesday...ask her to visit the school and you can chill out after school?

caffienatidjazz (9:38:19 PM): whatever happens happens. i'll be open to anything as i can.

Will (9:41:06 PM): im sorry./

caffienatidjazz (9:42:10 PM): don't say sorry, just fix it next time. sorry's an excuse for ignorance. if you fix it then you won't have to say sorry next time.


and finally. for me.

"Take the guitar player for a ride
He ain't never been satisfied
He thinks he owes some kind of debt
Be years before he gets over it
There's a fortune inside your head
All you touch turns to lead
You think you might just crawl back in bed
The fortune inside your head
You know you're just a mama's boy
Positively unemployed
So misunderstood
So misunderstood"

only fools welcome.

:: 2003 29 November :: 12.20 am
:: Mood: i want to sleep forever
:: Music: belle + sebastian - Le Pastie De La Bourgeoisie, B+S - A Century of Fakers, B+S - A Century of Elvis

caffienatidjazz (12:03:28 AM): dammit.

FunkyNedAvenger (12:03:35 AM): ...?

caffienatidjazz (12:03:51 AM): just... motherfuckinggoddammitmotherfuckerdammit
caffienatidjazz (12:04:07 AM): natalie wanted to see me today. cos she's home for thanksgiving

FunkyNedAvenger (12:04:23 AM): and why did you not see her?

caffienatidjazz (12:04:26 AM): so i call her. small world at 8, then movie at 9 at the garden . cool cool. yay. she's happy, i'm happy.
caffienatidjazz (12:04:35 AM): so i go, and i see her, a good half hour.
caffienatidjazz (12:04:45 AM): then she tells me that will told her he wanted to see her
caffienatidjazz (12:04:50 AM): so she felt obliged to call will
caffienatidjazz (12:04:53 AM): then will comes
caffienatidjazz (12:05:08 AM): i figure ok, cool, he gets to see nat, he'll leave before the movie
caffienatidjazz (12:05:11 AM): time for the movie.

FunkyNedAvenger (12:05:12 AM): hes always fucking inviting himself along.

caffienatidjazz (12:05:14 AM): he stays.
caffienatidjazz (12:05:19 AM): and sits in between me and nat

FunkyNedAvenger (12:05:29 AM): not cool

caffienatidjazz (12:05:44 AM): i just get annoyed, but dont want to loose my cool, and i just get really really shot self confidence and dont do anything about it for the whole move.
caffienatidjazz (12:05:45 AM): movie.
caffienatidjazz (12:05:50 AM): then that was it.
caffienatidjazz (12:06:04 AM): my mom came and picked me up and he was standing with nat outside the theater
caffienatidjazz (12:07:03 AM): and bari's going to baltimore tomorrow, i wanted to see her wednesday but she didn't reminds me.

FunkyNedAvenger (12:07:05 AM): honestly, you have to say "no" to will when he wants to come along

caffienatidjazz (12:07:09 AM): i wanted to see her and kate.
caffienatidjazz (12:07:21 AM): i just want to curl up and just gah.

FunkyNedAvenger (12:07:27 AM): he frequently invites himself over to hang out with me when im with "townies"

caffienatidjazz (12:07:42 AM): ugh
caffienatidjazz (12:07:46 AM): i dont want to discuss it
caffienatidjazz (12:07:48 AM): i said my words.
caffienatidjazz (12:07:53 AM): how was your day?

FunkyNedAvenger (12:08:01 AM): spent all day in a car

only fools welcome.

:: 2003 27 November :: 10.34 am
:: Music: the james bond theme song

caffienatidjazz (9:40:53 AM): happy thanksgiving katy!

Katy181700 (9:41:20 AM): u too, happy gobble gobble sweetie

caffienatidjazz (9:41:28 AM): haha

Katy181700 (9:41:45 AM): how r u?!

caffienatidjazz (9:43:18 AM): a lot better. i've been happy, which is a big change. the only problem is i got a major crush on a girl with a boyfriend. yknow... i'm the guy she'll run to and fuck and cry on my shoulder if anything happens to that relationship. so i'm kinda just sitting here with my fingers crossed trying to keep it in my pants.

Katy181700 (9:43:40 AM): awww thats so good (well the first part)|
Katy181700 (9:43:43 AM): itll come

caffienatidjazz (9:44:08 AM): eh. i'm hoping. either that or i'll get over her. i'm good at getting over girls.

Katy181700 (9:44:19 AM): aww
Katy181700 (9:44:25 AM): just u wait- itll all happen
Katy181700 (9:44:31 AM): it sucks during the in between tho, i know

caffienatidjazz (9:46:04 AM): oh. and songwriting. a lot. i had band practice with the dutch east india company and none of these people have been in a band before really so i taught them different parts of this song i had written and got the cello and violings playing parts i wrote and then the drums came in (two drummers, john lehmann and andrew sachs) and it was really good and for a moment i was just a blissfull mad genious composer total hack

Katy181700 (9:46:35 AM): thats awesome
Katy181700 (9:46:39 AM): aww im so happy for u

caffienatidjazz (9:46:51 AM): :-)
caffienatidjazz (9:47:21 AM): all i need is a couple more practices with the band, a couple bottles of red wine, the girl, and i'll be a rockstar

only fools welcome.

:: 2003 23 November :: 11.01 pm
:: Music: the very best of marvin gaye

last night's cast:

it was good.

tonight (a school night *sigh*):

MonkeySoupG7 (10:46:12 PM): i can werirtted my own fucking essyas bitch

caffienatidjazz (10:49:00 PM): no you can't

Auto response from MonkeySoupG7 (10:49:01 PM): CLEAN UO P WITH KRISTENSIOSH AND CARLY SIOH!! MMM!!!! WWOOSHPO!!!

she has an essay to write. oh well.

only fools welcome.

:: 2003 21 November :: 5.06 pm
:: Music: duke ellington, charlie mingus, max roach - money jungle

love letter day (the day after)
so it's the day after love letter day and i finally got the one i was waiting for.

sara's add delayed the delivery.


"hey conor! if you didn't know today is love letter day. so here's your love letter.
Happy Love Letter Day!!!
haha! OK so this is very random especially b/c we just talked for the first time a few days ago, so yeah sorry for the randomness.

<3 always,


2 comment(s) from simple mindss | only fools welcome.

:: 2003 20 November :: 12.25 am

scratch that.

i'm too tired to write more love letters.

new list:

sara, ned, carly

alex knows i love him.

and julie is too preoccupied with john peach to notice she doesn't get a love letter. eewy.

1 comment(s) from simple minds | only fools welcome.

:: 2003 20 November :: 12.21 am
:: Music: conor meara - frenchie can't swim

it's 12:13 and it is officially love letter day.


alex suguira (for being totally ridiculous)
julie (for being cooler than i am and knowing it.)

only fools welcome.

:: 2003 19 November :: 9.36 pm
:: Music: ricky martin - she bangs

damn i miss virrill. anyways.

older girls with boyfriends who are too totally nice for my own good.

this time i'm gonna keep it in my pants until the coast is clear.

and by coast is clear i dont mean her boyfriend sleeping in the other room.

i'll wait.

i'm a pacient patient?> boy.

1 comment(s) from simple minds | only fools welcome.

:: 2003 12 November :: 11.21 pm
:: Music: john lennon - isolation

"People say we got it made,
Don't they know we're so afraid,
We're afraid to be alone,
Everybody got to have a home,
I - Isolation.
Just a boy and a little girl,
Trying to change the whole wide world,
I - Isolation,
The world is just a little town,
Everybody trying to put us down,
I - I - Isolation.
I don't expect you to understand,
After you caused so much pain,
But then again you're not to blame,
You're just a human, a victim of the insane.
We're afraid of everyone,
Afraid of the sun,
I - I - Isolation,
The sun will never disappear,
But the world may not have many years,
I - I - Isolation"

only fools welcome.

:: 2003 12 November :: 1.17 am

it'll all be ok.

happy michelley (1:06:49 AM): haha

caffienatidjazz (1:07:11 AM): so here's how it goes
caffienatidjazz (1:07:42 AM): saturday - bad head
sunday - anxiety attack.
monday - proposed head
tuesday - confidence boost due to the entire field hockey team
wednesday - michelle is awesome


anyone want to buy me some cigarettes and alcohol?


happy birthday katy cara.

1 comment(s) from simple minds | only fools welcome.

:: 2003 11 November :: 12.37 am
:: Music: cursive - staying alive

well, i survived.

i smoked up and got drunk with ned and a bunch of his townie friends saturday night

max, eve, olivia, jackie, bari, gwyn, matt.

conor + alcohol + pot + shitty head




um. way to go. for my first time. i'm such a failure when it comes to girl. and that night was everything i thought i wanted.

i survived a really intense breakdown last night. worst i've had. so i tried going to bed but i wound up laying in bed shaking and flipping out for an hour or more.

sometimes i think i should talk to mr. tuckman. rosser always told me i should talk to someone.

but it's the type of thing where i wouldn't know what to say. i'm not constantly or consistently fucked up. i just have real shitty lows sometimes and anxiety attacks. or at least thats what marisa called it. i dont know what it was.

i talked to harvey. that was good. something new. someone new. someone new in my life that i know for a fact won't fuck me over.

not that too many people try to fuck me over. or bother trying.

jeff's mom. r.i.p.
i'll be at the service.
i gave jeff a bunch of songs i've been working on.

i wanted to give it to him a while ago, but my burner broke.

i gave him bari's copy, which i said i was gonna give to katy.

my hickey's almost gone. ice really does the trick. i dont think my parents noticed.

the dutch east india exchange was supposed to have practice sunday. about 12 people. well, it didn't work so it got cancelled as me and jacob were on my way. so we hung out with john mccarthy at his house.

i played bass in a band situation. even if it was crappy. john's good at piano. i have a really fuckin good ear. and i felt good playing.

i miss lucy. but i dont know. last time i thought i wanted something i got it. pot, alcohol, and head. it all turned on me.

i thought i had good intentions.

i'm starting to question myself more and more. i really self-absorbed? i dotn know where my priorities are. maybe i should worry about myself before i worry about others.

but that'd be selfish.

theres enough conor-love to go around.

i just wrote a 5 page american studies essay.

i'm spent. i'm out. goodnight. i love you. whoever bothers to read this.

3 comment(s) from simple mindss | only fools welcome.

:: 2003 9 November :: 7.49 pm
:: Mood: how much longer?

caffienatidjazz (7:41:09 PM): what happens when i reach the point where i feel like an asshole for talking to you too much about myself and how fucked up i think i am and wallowing in self-pity..... then stop talking?

Kid K(7:41:27 PM): you keep going?
Kid K(7:41:33 PM): remember, whenever in doubt, keep going.
Kid K(7:41:35 PM): :)

caffienatidjazz (7:42:26 PM): oh rosser. you're such a good role model. and i mean that in a semi-sarcastic way. but not really. because you are. better than what i percieve to be the good role model. well so far. we'v all got time. but um. yea. that keep going thing.... it's not so appealing.

Kid K(7:46:31 PM): usually isn't.
Kid (7:46:42 PM): always turns out to be the right choice in retrospect. at least for me.
Kid K(7:47:22 PM): i'm no role-model. hell, i learned most of what i know about being a man from my father...who is admitted that he's not exactly a role-model...mmm, self-perpetuating cycle.

caffienatidjazz (7:47:40 PM): happens.

only fools welcome.

:: 2003 9 November :: 7.42 pm
:: Mood: hopeless
:: Music: it doesn't matter anymore. fuck music.


i'm becoming a stereotype.


caffienatidjazz (7:23:28 PM): gah
RossdBoss5 (7:23:38 PM): ?
caffienatidjazz (7:24:00 PM): did i tell you about last night?
RossdBoss5 (7:24:08 PM): yeah
caffienatidjazz (7:24:13 PM): everythign?
RossdBoss5 (7:24:21 PM): i think so
RossdBoss5 (7:24:25 PM): tell me again
caffienatidjazz (7:24:47 PM): the not-so-great head the hickey the me now hungover and spaced out from the pot that i have a 5 page book review due tomorrow
RossdBoss5 (7:25:00 PM): u got head?
caffienatidjazz (7:25:17 PM): does it count if i was fucked up, she was fucked up, and it was so bad i didn't get off?
RossdBoss5 (7:25:25 PM): nope
RossdBoss5 (7:25:28 PM): not really
caffienatidjazz (7:25:32 PM): so then no.
RossdBoss5 (7:25:35 PM): if u didn't come
caffienatidjazz (7:25:39 PM): wasn't even close
RossdBoss5 (7:25:44 PM): i would actually never like that to happen
RossdBoss5 (7:25:55 PM): how long was she sucking?
caffienatidjazz (7:26:08 PM): yeah. i feel like such an ass. i didn't want to be in that situation in the first place
caffienatidjazz (7:26:10 PM): a long time
RossdBoss5 (7:26:23 PM): ha
caffienatidjazz (7:26:51 PM): now i'm certain i dont want to deal with girls
RossdBoss5 (7:26:56 PM): haha
RossdBoss5 (7:27:01 PM): ur gay
RossdBoss5 (7:27:03 PM): :-)
caffienatidjazz (7:27:19 PM): don't think so.
caffienatidjazz (7:27:26 PM): but women suck. poorly.
caffienatidjazz (7:29:23 PM): it was just ridiculous and i regret being in that situation. i've regretted pretty much everything i've done with girls. ever.
RossdBoss5 (7:29:34 PM): ha well that's not good
RossdBoss5 (7:29:38 PM): even natalie?
caffienatidjazz (7:29:58 PM): i took natalie from you and it was such a lie of a relationship that it was stupid to begin with
RossdBoss5 (7:30:14 PM): whatever
RossdBoss5 (7:30:19 PM): 8th grade sucked
caffienatidjazz (7:30:25 PM): yes.
caffienatidjazz (7:30:32 PM): though i haven't seen much improvement
RossdBoss5 (7:31:34 PM): yeah well life sucks.....except wolfenstein, haha but event hat has gone down the tubes
caffienatidjazz (7:31:42 PM): i enjoy it.
caffienatidjazz (7:31:47 PM): i dont enjoy much
caffienatidjazz (7:31:49 PM): but i enjoy that
caffienatidjazz (7:31:56 PM): i'm gonna stop writing songs for a while
caffienatidjazz (7:32:03 PM): they are too shitty to be called songs
caffienatidjazz (7:32:07 PM): and they're a waste of my time
caffienatidjazz (7:32:11 PM): i need to do more schoolwork
caffienatidjazz (7:32:13 PM): seriously.
RossdBoss5 (7:32:17 PM): go then
caffienatidjazz (7:32:24 PM): i can't
caffienatidjazz (7:32:35 PM): i have to write a 5 page paper on a book i hardly read
caffienatidjazz (7:32:44 PM): and i'm so spaced out i can't concentrate
RossdBoss5 (7:32:57 PM): then stop talking to me
RossdBoss5 (7:33:01 PM): unplug your modem
RossdBoss5 (7:33:04 PM): and write
RossdBoss5 (7:33:11 PM): seriously
caffienatidjazz (7:33:15 PM): seriously
RossdBoss5 (7:33:15 PM): u need to unplug yourself
caffienatidjazz (7:33:19 PM): i dont have the will power
caffienatidjazz (7:33:22 PM): and i have no motivation
caffienatidjazz (7:33:32 PM): i dont see many benefits from doing well in school
caffienatidjazz (7:33:42 PM): other than getting your parents off your ass
caffienatidjazz (7:33:45 PM): but i can deal with that
RossdBoss5 (7:33:59 PM): hhmmm
RossdBoss5 (7:34:00 PM): college
RossdBoss5 (7:34:03 PM): job
RossdBoss5 (7:34:04 PM): money
RossdBoss5 (7:34:14 PM): but i odn't care about that anymore
caffienatidjazz (7:34:40 PM): i'd rather be a poor musician and wallow in self pity until i od on some exotic drug
RossdBoss5 (7:34:54 PM): ha
caffienatidjazz (7:34:57 PM): because i dont want to be stuck in 9-5 jobs all my life
caffienatidjazz (7:35:04 PM): i'd rather just
caffienatidjazz (7:35:04 PM): die
RossdBoss5 (7:35:10 PM): i knew that was coming
caffienatidjazz (7:35:11 PM): but i'm not there yet
caffienatidjazz (7:35:21 PM): i've still got time to set that in stone
RossdBoss5 (7:35:36 PM): so u think u will kill yourself?

caffienatidjazz (7:35:50 PM): but i really dont see the appeal of working 9-5 and then having kids that will be put right back into this cycle
caffienatidjazz (7:35:54 PM): then so what if you make money
caffienatidjazz (7:35:58 PM): you die rich
caffienatidjazz (7:36:13 PM): i'm losing focus and i'm beginning to not see a point
caffienatidjazz (7:36:34 PM): and i'd like a fast answer
caffienatidjazz (7:36:48 PM): like drugs or alcohol or hot sex
caffienatidjazz (7:36:55 PM): but apparently thats the wrong path
RossdBoss5 (7:37:24 PM): haha
caffienatidjazz (7:37:30 PM): so i've been told.

only fools welcome.

:: 2003 3 November :: 1.05 am
:: Music: conor meara - my muse is on vacation (1-8)

FunkyNedAvenger (12:57:42 AM): youve just summarized your social life
FunkyNedAvenger (12:58:01 AM): glasses=getting out
FunkyNedAvenger (12:58:14 AM): its almost a perfect metaphor

i dont want to wear my glasses.

1 comment(s) from simple minds | only fools welcome.

:: 2003 3 November :: 12.09 am
:: Mood: discontent
:: Music: cursive - a gentleman caller

i made a 7 song cd i'm planning to give to a few people.

i burned ned 1.5gb of porn for a belated bday present.

i'm desperate. i'm hopeless. i'm pathetic.

pj is a good kid. he'll come around.

only fools welcome.

:: 2003 29 October :: 11.51 pm
:: Music: elliott smith - the biggest lie

I'm waiting for the train
The subway that only goes one way
The stupid thing that will come to pull us apart
And make everybody late
You spent everything you had
Wanted everything to stop that bad
And now i'm a crushed credit card registered to smith
Not the name that you call me with

You turned white like a saint
I'm tired of dancing on a pot of gold flake paint
Oh we're so very precious, you and i
And everything that you do makes me want to die
Oh i just told the biggest lie
I just told the biggest lie
The biggest lie


i hate when i find amazing artists only because they kill themselves. i noticed he had a song, "needle in the hay" on the royal tenenbaums soundtrack which i bought about a week before school started. i went back and listened to it. i remembered it. yes.

i need to buy elliott smith albums.

only fools welcome.

:: 2003 29 October :: 8.38 pm
:: Mood: approachably pretentious
:: Music: the strokes - between love & hate

oh well
i've been trying to determine my role in the lives of people i associate as my "friends."

i like a lot of music. i have an open mind. i like giving suggestions. i like talking to people about music. i like making my own music... sometimes. i like hearing what other people have to say about my music. maybe i overstep my bounds sometimes. a lot of the times it sucks.

i'm beginning to think i'm very self-absorbed... but how can that be when i recognize it so blatently? i try not to be. i try to be there for my "friends." but who's going to rely on a "mess" like me? i'm just an accessory. someone to go to when you want info on a band, or a recommendation, or to burn a cd for you.

my cd burner is still broken.

i bought the new strokes album. it's very good.


Never needed anybody, I never needed anybody
I never needed anybody, I never needed nobody
Don't worry about it, honey
I never needed anybody
I never needed anybody, it won't change now.

Am I wrong?
Don't sing along with me.
I said I was fine,
It's just the second time
We lost the war

only fools welcome.

:: 2003 26 October :: 3.07 am
:: Music: operation ivy - jaded


4 day weekend. saving all my work (including a huge english essay) for tomorrow.

i did that today.

didn't get much done with kenji.

only had 2 hours.

garage should be done in 3 weeks.

it's lookin up.

only fools welcome.

:: 2003 23 October :: 6.18 pm
:: Mood: cranky
:: Music: pixies - where is my mind?

don't see texas chainsaw massacre.

oh. and i bought the pixies' "surfer rosa".


ned's claiming he's going to flunk out of pds. he doesn't seem to really care. i've always seen the relation ship as:

caffienatidjazz (8:57:19 PM):

most fun, EVER.
caffienatidjazz (8:57:35 PM): that's all. and ned's planning on failing out of pds.

Rosser (8:59:10 PM): hmm.
Rosser (8:59:10 PM): fun.

caffienatidjazz (8:59:22 PM): yes. no. not for ned.
caffienatidjazz (9:04:37 PM): who knows what he'll end up doing. but considering he's failing more than a few classes it doesn't look too great.
caffienatidjazz (9:04:41 PM): but i dono.

Rosser (9:06:03 PM): time will tell.

caffienatidjazz (9:06:33 PM): *shrug*

Rosser (9:06:51 PM): shrug isn't what i would have expected, but i can't say i'm suprised.

caffienatidjazz (9:07:46 PM): well if he truly doesn't care, i dont see why i should. especially since he probly doesn't care about my opinion. he's more of a friend to me than i am to him

Rosser: i doubt that's as true as you make it out to be

caffienatidjazz (9:13:57 PM): meh. most of my conversations with ned are either me bitching, or him telling me that i look like crap every morning. not much else to it.

Rosser : do you shower in the morning or at night? ;-)
Rosser : cool piece, btw


anyways. that was all before i took it upon myself to care. well, now i do. and i hope he pulls his head out of his ass soon.

oh well.

only fools welcome. | Random Journal