face it, this is what were up against.
its like everytime i turn around im making someone upset. im making jacob upset. im fucking everybody over or something && im not even trying to.

i want to prove wrong everybody that seems to think they know && fuck myself up. I want to fuck thingsup. everything, anything. WHAT ever.

honestly, i dont know wha tim doing wrong anymore. i don tknow why i cant seem to get anything straight, i dont know why i keep crying i dont know why im heading for a breakdown. i keep getting bones in my throat and aches in my fucking ribs. this is blows. really it does. it kills.
Im so sick of repeating myself all the time, im sick of the same shit, im sick of fighting with mom im sick of fighting with jeffrey. im sick of fighting with jacob im sick of having to choose sides. i dont want to be divided into half. Im sweet on that.

no im not. yes i am.
I dont even know. i just know that i'm pretty sure i've fucked up again. except this time there's no room for repairs with jacob. FUCK ronnie.

fuckfuck.
Let me take this awkward saw
And run it against your thighs
Cut some flesh away
I'll carry this piece of you with me
Because all I can say tonight
is that I hate you
But it would be all right
If we could see each other sometime
If I could somehow make you mine
And if not I'll take my spoons
And dig out your blue eyes
I'll swallow them down to my colon
They're gonna burn like hell tonight
Cause you're beautiful
Just not on the inside
Light comes from within
Your beaming eyes don't seem so bright
Heart is on the floor
Why don't you step on it?
When I think of all the things you've done
Boardwalks and breaking waves
Made our Saturdays
I'd buy you lemonade right now
if you were here
Then I'd throw it in your face
And I'd listen to you cry
I'd remember how I miss
our nights under ocean skies
You and I are like when fire
and the ocean floor collide.




That's how i feel. I miss david. i dont want to, im trying to not let myself. i think its cause its getting to be that time of year. the time ofyear. fuck.

:|

woah.I'm waiting for the breakdown.
Heroin bob is a healer.(:

Without him. i'd more than likely be crazy.

okay. i need counceling.
i need some kind of help. i need to get myself back together. i was doing good for how long? ;;iknow im fucking stupid for making ANOTHER entry, but this just got to me, kay?;; anyway, if i go back to school i can get marie back? when get her back? if i do. then.. im coming clean. and im telling her everything; of course shell go run and tell my parents but theyll understand; hopefully. oh god. what am i talking about?

im a fucking liar. and its totally awesome.
not.

I need help. i need my sick dimented mind to be aided. is it wrong for me to think how i do? i love animals, i dont like eating them, but i do. and i would love tokill one. its sick of me. im a half and half on everything. id LOVE to stab someone and watch them bleed. does that make me have the mind of a murderer? is it wrong that i dont believe in god, and if there is a god, i want him to feel the pain that i have, and every other person full of pain has? i want him to fucking fall like everyone else has? I WANT TO BURN THE BIBLE. is taht wrong? i should do it. to prove a fucking point. the bible is worthless. and hopefully, if there is a god, he'll kill me and ill finally be happy. i almost know that nothng happens once we die. thats the end... we dissapear out of existance. eeend of story. im sick.. soo fucking sick. i find myself biting my tonguemore and more everytime im home. i feel an erk when im told to do something or when my fucking father yells at me cause the house hasnt been clean in a week since i left.; i so badly want to bitch, but i hold back, bite my tongue. im tired of violence and hate. ;; hah, does that even make sense? i just talking about how i could kill someone and love it. SEE WHAT I MEAN. i dont know who i am!? i fucking.... i lost myself. most mouse, talkin shit about a pretty sunset song,,,, explain this shitty feeling.

Talking shit about a pretty sunset
Blanketing opinions that I'll probably regret soon
I've changed my mind so much I cant even trust it
My mind changed me so much I cant even trust myself

pretty much, i dont know what do with myself. i cant rely on myself for help. i cant be independent like i used to be. i need a crutch to hold me up, but i cant find one. i refuse to let myeslf be held like a doll for the world to see im fuckedup. i cant afford letting myself fail in front of all that i love. that makes me a fucking bullshitter. and thats not what i am.

i always say ima do me. but why havent i done it yet? im always paranoid. i know i have reasons, from back in the day, but i dont. i've burnt the past, i've lost it all. its locked away.right?


theres so much to me these days, no one knows who i am. they cant possibly know who i am if im even clueless. im sick of lying to myself... tellin myself im fine, im okay. when im not. telling myself to be happy when im ready to burn myself alive. pain is a resistance i love. it kills me when i feel pain; because it makes me actually happy. is it sick to say that its the only way i can smile? does that make me fucked up ?

no. cant. theres others that are way more fucked up than me...right?

obviously. some people hear shit and see it. ;; okay, i could be included in that. but... thats only every once in a while do i hear shit. i been hearing it a lot lately though. i think people are yelling for me when theres no one around. i feel like someone is beside me when there isnt anyone there. i been waking up drenched in sweat lately too... dreams... i dont have them, but they have me. because i dont remember any of them, but they wake me up and ruin me. obviously their trying to kill me.

i wake up and my heart is racing im drenches in sweat and my eyes areburning... or is that normal?


im fine. at least to most, i am.