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:: 2006 28 November :: 12.55 am

Hello. hahaha, i didn't really know how else to start tonight, so i figured that worked.

Mmmmmm, break was pretty good. I got to see most of my friends, and got to spend a decent amount of time at home too (but not TOO much) so that was sweet.

I've been doing way too much thinking lately. But maybe it's a good thing, who knows. I haven't really come to any solid conclusions...just alot of stuff running through my head.
~I have a commitment problem.....don't know if it's always been there...but it is now. I don't like it. I'm not the type of girl to sleep around with random boys....but i can't settle down right the only solution i can think of is avoiding boys for awhile. Or dating them at least. That only seems to bring me stress as of late.
Sidenote - things with styx are better. It was a little awkward after i ended things the first few days at work....but now it's a bit better. cept he freaked out tonight.....i was giving blair a little mini back massage i taught him....styx saw and yelled (yikes....first time i've ever seen him angry) at everyone, while staring at me, to get to work. yikes. i was frightened, not gonna lie.
~I can be quite the bitch when i want to be. It's unfortunate, because i don't want to be a bitch, but i suppose this way at least i won't get walked all over. I still have some control over my temper. Amanda and i don't get along to say the least, and after she argued with me about why we don't like each other, eric and her both said if they were me they would have punched her. But i told them both....i'm just not like that. I'm not one to haul out and punch someone in the face for arguing with me.
~Tricia says i have some slightly slutty actions. I don't remember how this came up...but it did. And i guess it's true. Damn...i slept with styx and we weren't even really dating. :-( oops. So that needs to not happen anymore. I can't believe i actually did taht....makes me FEEL a little slutty. But it happens. I'm not gonna freak out about it...but i can recognize it and watch myself better.
~Things with eric are really really good. I spent over 2 hours alone with him last night and nothing happened. He went over his speech to me so he could practice a few times, we talked a bit, and he helped me fix my computer. It was really good. Nothing was awkward which was a pleasant surprise. yeah, i still care a damn lot. And i will for a long undeterminable amount of time yet. but having good things happen like this make me believe our friendship can keep up and stay strong and not be affected. I won't say i won't sleep with him again.....because I am how I am and I don't want to lie or feel bad if i do. I don't feel bad about doing it, because i know what it is and i don't take it as anything more. Which adds to the slutty comment.....but i don't regret what's happened. Probably not the best situation, but it hasn't driven me crazy. :-P
~Allix isn't a very good friend. She's obsessed with her boyfriend. and that's all. end of story. I saw her once all of suppposed best friend. And the whole time, she talked about ian and work. :-( It just makes me sad, because i keep trying to be friends with her and i keep having this same damn realization every time. I wish i could just give up.
~i'm happy right now. Yeah, things aren't a LONG shot. But....I have my friends. I have my family. I have my "family"....those friends that mean the most to me for whatever reason. they've just earned a special place in my heart. And that's all i really need. Money is is necessary, and the rest isn't all that important. I appreciate the litle things in life.
~3 am drunk bike rides with brooke through marquette.
~sunday night movies
~vball at the peif on mon, wed, and fri.
~girls next door on tv at 2am with allie
~chicago style pizza
~bein the only two girls at work for a good 5 hours
~10 dollar COMFY pj pants from walmart
The little things are best. AlWAYS.

apparently my sweet side is gone. that's what i've been told...and fairly recently since i'm randomly adding it here. It sucks being told that, because i don't think i've lost it. But maybe peopel just don't get to see it anymore. The people who have said that are mainly people i don't see that often anymore. They don't see me hold other friends while they cry, or go out and check on the boy who quietly slipped out the door to think about the accident he almost got in the day before.
I guess that's what happens when friendships change though...who knows. maybe it's something i'll just ponder a bit more.

k...need sleep....gettin up early with tricia fro breakfast

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:: 2006 19 November :: 5.19 pm

Hmmmmm life is interesting.....i'm not seeing styx anymore. He's too mellow for me. Plus, I don't think i want a boyfriend. Don't have the time or the energy to put into someone else right now.

alright, i need to not be online right now...i've got enough studying for 7 people lol.

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:: 2006 13 November :: 4.32 pm

:-) So I'm 'seeing' styx now....hahaha, whatever that means. Basically we're together, but i told him i want it fairly casual still. I don't need anythin TOO serious yet. Plus i don't trust him. I'm not getting hurt this time around lol. He's already about a thousand times better than Eric though. Doesn't mean I'm over Eric yet....but I'm definitely not going to go searching him out anymore.

And I'm pretty sure Eric still doesn't know about me and Styx. He hasn't really seen us together at all.....and thankfully word hasn't spread through the MP yet. I dont really care if he this point, it'd be fine....we'll see.

alright...this wasn't much of an update, more just rambling....but i gotta head to work....later!

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:: 2006 8 November :: 12.37 pm

Wow....I really should update this thing more often....but DAMN i'm busy! I've actually written a few times, but those are private :-P Life as of late is GREAT. I COULD be happier, but right now, with what i've got, i'm perfectly content. :-) My only concern right now is passin chem and calc...YIKES. Who woulda thought i'd ever have to worry about PASSING a class??? BUT....such is life. I think i'll be here for over 4 years...maybe an extra semester. I couldn't be happier that's ok with me. :-) I have the best friends ANYONE could ever ask for. They watch out for me, pick me up when i'm down, do all sorts of crazy shit with me just for kicks, and stay up all night with me talkin about whatever crosses our minds. I've got my 'family' - the....13 (had to count) of us that are always hangin out together over at the boys' place. god, i love them. All of them. We're a bit dysfunctional and we fight like mad....but we also watch out for each other. I wouldn't trade them for the world. (Tricia, Kim, Danielle, Amanda, Mal, Eric, Mike, Jason, Wayne, Bryce, Ken, and Jesse, i <3 you~) Hopefully Brooke will be joinin the family for good soon too. We're fairly partial to who we let in....I've met quite a few nutballs over there.....but they don't tend to stick around that long. I'm sure by the end of the year, the family will be HUGE, cuz there's a few more people who are joinin up lol, but the core group will hopefully stay close. :-) Ok, that's enough about them lol...i could go on for days!

Hmmmm, I've started kinda seein a new guy. Coincidentally, his name is also Eric and he's also a supervisor at work....hahaha, how nutso is that. But, i've never actually called him eric....he goes by the nickname his freshman year and now EVERYONE calls him that. It's nothin more than casual right now....which is damn sweet. No drama....just easygoing. I brought him over to the boys' last weekend and it went well which was good. Him and Eric get along well, so I know that will never be a problem which is nice. The only thing i'm worried about is the fact that the girl usually ends up hanging out more with the guy's friends. :-( Not goin that way this time....i'm very attached to my friends, and i'm not leavin them lol. So it's REALLY good that everyone loved styx. :-) We'll see what happens with honestly could turn into nothing....i'm up for anything...he's a sweetie and cute to boot, but i AM a busy busy girl....

Annnnndd.....he's VERY mellow...and i apparently freaked him out a little on saturday and i didn't even DO anything!!! lol....all i did was chill everyone out when there was a cop scare and help kick this guy out when he tried to steal mal's beer. But he said he was afraid of me. Yikes....if he'd seen me and Eric get in the argument the night before, i'm pretty sure he wouldn't be talkin to me.....cuz then i was PISSED and yellling. :-\ So we'll see where it goes with styx...tricia and brooke managed to sneak my tiny anger problem into conversation during break monday...which was good....i wanted him to have fair warning lol.

hahahaha, speaking of anger problems and eric were debating last night who had the worse temper (a bunch of us were just chillin over at his place last night)....brooke pointed out that i'd pummeled john for calling me a name or something, and eric said he'd never hit a person. I shot back that i'd never thrown anyone into a wall (him and jason generally play wrestle when they're drunk, and he'd thrown jason into the wall about 10 minutes beforehand)....Eric shot back, 'you threw me into the shower wall'.......hehehehe. He won that argument. We ALL had a good laugh over that one. It coulda been awkward....but nope....i even gave him a high-five...cuz DAMN that was a good comeback...i'm pretty sure i just open-mouth stared at him for a second before bursting into laughter. That's another thing I'm a tad concerned about with Styx......hope he's comfortable hearing about me and Eric.....cuz our sex life is something we quite often use for cracks at each other....all our friends know what went down and that we're cool now, so noone cares.....but styx Whatever, if he can't deal with the fact that i've been with other people and can remain close friends with them, then he's not gonna be up to par....his loss. :-P

Alrighty.....speaking of passing classes....gotta go study!!! <3

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:: 2006 15 October :: 6.00 pm

It was an 'oops' kind of night. :-)

Points of note:
My camera is missing.
I drank a fifth of cabana bay, 4 shots of tequila, and beer.
I passed out and blacked out for 3 hours of the night.
I met some cool people.
I learned how to play bullshit pyramid.
I have a cut right above my right eye and a gouge in my elbow.
I'm not sure how said cuts got there....
And then there was the 'oops.' lol

Overall, a good night.....brooke's gonna beat me senseless i'm sure...but i had a good time this whole weekend. Had a blast hangin with allie and megan too....i love those girls so so much. ahhhhhh life is good....stressful.....but good. Home life is not going so dad's being allowed back into the mom just isn't strong enough i don't think. Oh well.....I'm not going to be home much anyways. alright, i need to go do homework.....

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:: 2006 14 October :: 2.58 am alot has changed....but i suppose it always does after nearly a month. Dan is long gone....he got supercreepy, liked me way too much (enough to change himself so i'd like him more....), and clung to me like a toddler...which i can't handle. I hooked up with JD when i went home for the weekend...which was AMAZING....htere was no sex...which kinda defeats the word hooking up, but i dunno how else to say it... :-P Things with eric bounced around between good and bad, but we had a final talk on thursday that was what i was finally looking for. I got answers. Not what i'd expected. And I don't want to write it all in here, because words are cheap and I don't want to cheapen everything that was said. Point blank, he respects me more than i ever could have thought possible, but the two of us just can't be together. It sucks to truly know all the feeling behind everything, the truth, and still not be able to do a damn thing about it. There's a downside to this too (further down that the reality of it).....if we're both trashed, we're gonna sleep together. It almost happened thurs night, and we can both laugh about it, but I hate to think of what the repercussions of that will be if it ever happens. Ok, i'm gonna go privatize the rest of what i wanna say.....this has become something i want to tuck away in my heart. I know what I know and feel and noone else needs to.

In other news, nothing much is is a pain in the butt, i'm SOOO busy. And midterms are comin up. :-( OH, me and trish went and got our cartilages pierced together.....we're gonna do tattoos as well sometime soon (not the same ink, but just go get them done together). Mmmmmmmmmm...shitty part of tonight....eric was tryin to pierce my belly button and it didn't fuckin work. The bar wouldn't go through :-( so now i've got the little marks from the bar on my belly button and it looks like shit. Ugh. Put me in a pissy mood for the rest of the night...which is why i'm still up even though i have to GET up in 3 hours for work. :-(

Mmmmmmmmmk, well this whole entry just prolly sounds kinda depressed. But i'm in a supershitty mood so don't take it at face value. I don't love EVERYTHING about where i'm at right now, but I sure as hell like it alot. I wouldn't change a thing, even if i could. K, i need to go finish the other one and then get a nap before work.....argh. night

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:: 2006 19 September :: 2.13 am

Wooooooooo updates! I finally updated my myspace! hahaha...i'm not sure why. i hate it. lol. :-) Oh well...what's done is done! :-P
The weekend was great! I actually played DD once!!!!!! hahaha...friday i didn't drink, so i picked up tricia, kim, wayne, steph, and bryce! :-) It was kinda funny being the sober one...i've never been the one driving...i'm always the one stumblin around!

I think things are gonna go somewhere with dan....well they kinda already have lol....but more officially. His aunt and uncle held a pig roast on was a damn good time....and things have been goin really well with him. We'll see....everyone else thinks i should jump on it....he's a GREAT guy, finally cut his hair lol, fireman, good head on his shoulders, cute to boot, amazing kisser, and treats me about as good as good can get. :-) I'm still a little worried.....but i can't let past issues get in my way. :-)

My ankle isn't fractured...i went and had it xrayed...i was worried for awhile....but it's all good. :-)

yeah...that's all i've got...i'm tired.

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:: 2006 12 September :: 12.50 am

I'm determined to write in here more :-)

My ankle is currently a colorful shade of purplish The sprain isn't TOO bad....i can put all of my weight on it without it hurting or shaking....but i'm still being careful to try and let it heal up really good.

Hmmmmm so I suppose i've become a bit of a partier....i definitely have gone out every weekend. But I'm still getting all of my homework done at the same time. :-) and doing good in my classes so far! :-D however, there is NO drinking on weekdays. I'm not that stupid. And i don't get out of hand on the weekends....unless of course my homework's done and i don't have to work.... :-) This weekend is jessi's 21st birthday party...which basically means thursday friday and saturday are going to be drunk. On this occasion i'm willing to have at least a few beers on thursday. :-) Me and brookie are goin in on a case, plus our tattoo.....we're set for the weekend. :-)

HOPEFULLY next weekend is chitown! :-D YAY! I can't wait to see my mom and my babies (mav and tootie).....and of course al and kristen and the boys. lol i just hope i don't have a shitton of homework for that weekend :-\ If so, i'm gonna try to get it done thursday night after work. off for a shower and sleep..... <3

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:: 2006 11 September :: 1.35 am

I should probably write in here more. I have MUCH more STUFF to write about....but now that i'm so busy, it's HARD to get online for awhile and type! lol.
So what's new??? quite a bit. Things with me and eric are done. There's been alot that has happened between us in the past week or whenever i wrote last, and it peaked with me punching him and us talking. But it's done. I saw a side of him I was disgusted with and I know that now is just not the time for us to be ANYTHING more than friends. I'd love to make that change...but i can't and i wouldn't want to right now. He's basically out of control and it worries me more than anything else. Plus, I've figured out that I can't party with him for awhile, because one of us ends up saying shit we shouldn't. But I think we might be able to keep a frienship.....after this weekend, it will be a little strained, but hopefully it's something we can work through. PLUS....he's my ride home in 2 weeks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TO SEE JD!!!!!!!! :-D I originally wasn't gonna go, because i didn't want to drive all that way by myself...but then Eric randomly asked me if i wanted to go home that same weekend and split the gas up between 4 of us!!! :-) YAY! So I had to at least fix our argument enough to still go home....cuz allix is gonna pick me up in crystal lake, and i get to kristen and matty and jd. :-) Sadly alex will already be out in CA.... :-( I'm intrigued to see jd....we've kept up the joking since it should hopefully be a fun weekend if it all works out. ;-) There are still a few little time snags though that i have to work out...but i've got my fingers crossed. Oh, and i finally talked with Dan. We're doin good as just friends...keepin it light and fun. There may be a chance for him sometime in the future....he's a great guy...but right now, i'm glad to have him as a friend. :-)

In other news, i sprained my ankle. PS....i wasn't drunk. Which makes me look even MORE retarded....because I basically fell out of my loft to do it. :-( lol. I put my foot down wrong on the arm of the couch and my ankle just sorta buckled....not smart! hahaha...luckily it isn't TOO bad of a sprain...i can put most of my weight down on the foot tonight andit just happened last night...but i'm still takin it easy...i want it to heal correctly.

Hmmmmmmm me and Tricia are getting along amazes both of us how much we have in common and how well we get along. We've been havin a blast together lately. :-) Plus, i'm excited cuz she's for sure staying up here this summer too!!! So hopefully we'll get the chance to hang out a bit then too! :-) And she's been really helpful in dealin with eric. She's been through the issues, and she's been keepin me fairly grounded, whcih i'm forever grateful for.

Ugh....teh only REAL downside to the past two (or however many) weeks i've been here have been the onslaught of boys....dear god. I seriously want to lock myself inside my room and not speak to anyone. Right now i just want to enjoy myself and not worry about boys, but lo and behold, i have every single man at NMU chasing my tail! I hate saying it because it's so conceited...but i've never had NEAR this much attention's NUTS. And i really don't like it. It makes me feel a little uncomfortable that all these guys are trying to get with me, when i'm just trying to chill out and find my own way. :-( I just for once (with the exception of don't want to be near any guys right now....they just get in the way and it's way too much of a hassle with trying to settle into a schedule right now. :-P

Hahaha, i remember when i WANTED this much so much. i'm more content knowing that all my guy FRIENDS love me and i can hang out with them without things ever getting weird. :-)

teehee, fun moment of the week........i got to play in a ball a DORM ROOM! You know those play ball pits at like mcdonald's?? Well these boys in halverson bought 3200 balls off of ebay, used carboard and pillows to make a 'pit' of sorts in their room.....and thus created an AMAZING BALL PIT!!!!!!!! :-) It was so sweet...i went and played with LP and Daren in there last night.

Alright....well this sleepy girl must go do a little studying before her org. quiz adios! <3

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:: 2006 2 September :: 1.15 am i'm a little on the buzzed side of things, and i have to be up for work in 5.5 hours.....but i figured i'd leave a quick update.

LIFE IS GREAT!!!!!!!!!!! ABSOLUTELY awesome. I"m having so much fun this semester, and so far i LOVE my classes....they're all a blast, and even challenging enough to keep my interest peaked! Hopefully it will keep up all semester....if i'm intrigued to learn, I WILL!

I've only been cliffjumping once so far :-( which is INCREDIBLY sad....but i'm still havinng so much fun. I LOVE hanging out with everyone even though i'm busier than shit with school and work. I still manage to find time for pretty much everyone....and i get a DECENT amount of sleep.

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHH........boywise is NUTS right now. I swear to god i'm gonna gain 20 pounds so they'll all leave me alone. I have 3 guys just kinda stalking me that don't really matter at all.....Dan, the firefighter, who i have to ditch, and ERIC. The three stalkers don't count for much....they just talk to me WAY often, facebook me and clal me like crazy. Dan........well........i just don't care for him. He's being SOOO clingy, needy, pushy, pouty, and wimpy that i can't help but gag. He gets pissed off if i don't want to hang out with him, which concerns me ALOT....and he wanted me to go out to dinner with his aunt and uncle this weekend. First off we're not dating. Second off, we've known each other for 7 DAYS now. :-( Ugh. SO he must go. I can't deal with him being all about's just not my style anymore. I'm WAY too busy and crazy to have a guy hovering over me, which is exactly what he's doing. On the other hand, after that two hour talk with eric, i thought things were just gonna fade away, really truly be just friends. FUCK THAT! lol. Actually i'm pissed. He told me to come over wed. night....and i'd REALLY been craving DRUNK the whole evening, and i kinda wanted to test our 'friendship'; see if it was gonna work out for us. So i asked who was over...and it ended up that tricia was there and i brought wayne with me, just so i had people to walk back to the dorms with. (i did drive over there, but i knew i'd be way too drunk to drive home....i don't believe in drinking and driving). So i went and had a BLAST. Me and tricia split a fifth of captain, and i learned that i ROCK at flippy cup. ROCK THE SHIT......completely...i kicked everyone's ass! :-D However.....eric stopped me on the back balcony at some point when we were alone and made me talk with him. :-( NOt good. I was way too drunk....but he wouldn't let me leave.....and i'm incapable of saying no to him (well, if he was hurting me i could....but not when we were just talkin and shit). I don't remember the details of the convo. All i know is that it was about me and him, he kept repeating that he wants to be my friend, i cried, told him i couldn't look him in the eyes because it was so hard for me (he doesn't look away.....), and i know he asked about dan...i think i told him how i actually feel (i played with dan for all the wrong reasons, and he's just my attempt at getting eric out of my head)..................FUCK. Eric wiped away my tears and hugged me. It's not over between us. If it was, it would have ended at our 2 hour convo SOBER in his kitchen. I'm so pissed at him....he HAS to make up his mind. because its killing me. Its so hard knowing that he doesn't know what he wants. I don't's such a fucked up situation. Because i dont' know what i want. I don't know if i'd want a relationship withhim right now, even though i think (i don't really think....i know.....but thinking doesn't make it absolute) i love him. I don't know if i could handle it. He has to make up his mind. I thought about this for most of calc class today. Thats when i figured out that its not over between us yet, not truly matter what we SAY. Hopefully this weekend we'll get a chance to talk sober....i even took notes in calc on my feelings, so i owuld remember everything i thought of. I want to kick him in the nuts, tell him to make up his mind.....and then kiss him and give him a long long hug.

K..............i'm goin to bed now. Tricia is going to be pissed when i'm as tired as i will be in the AM (me her n eric all open we all drank tonight....but eric wasn't with us....and me and tricia didn't get DRUNK....but we'll still be a little sleepy :-P) *heart*....i just want to figure this all's the only unhappy part in my happy happy heart right now. But it's so small....everything else is going great. i heart marquette. night.

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:: 2006 29 August :: 12.31 am

I LOVE MARQUETTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
More than life itself basically. I know i haven't written much lately but i've been SOOOOOO busy that i've barely had time to sit down (well other than reading...but that's ME time!)

Hmmm, whats new. Very stressful week boywise.....went and talked with eric at his place for two hours...we are just staying friends. But i intend on driving him nuts...which i'm already succeeding at. :-) I'm kinda sorta seeing a sweet, cute cute cute 21 yr. old firefighter named dan....he's INCREDIBLE. Sweet to me as can be, respectful, GREAT kisser, and DEFINITELY a firefighter. lol. but i KNOW i'm not ready for the sort of commitment and seriousness he wants. which i told him. I was DREADFULLY honest with him about it, even kinda explained about eric. no details, but i was just honest about my intentions and the things going on in my life. He's proven to be very understanding so far...we'll see what happens. I'm definitely not over eric. i know that. I don't think i would want a relationship with him right now, just because of everything going on, but it doesn't change how i feel about him, at all. its still hard.

Kinda on that note, me and tricia are getting along GREAT! We both wish we hadn't met on such shitty terms because then we could have become friends alot sooner. we discussed alot of stuff dealing with me and eric and her and eric and eric in general. She thinks we're gonna get together some day....i'm not too sure about that....but i guess he's acting all kinds of bizarre....we'll see. I'm just excited because me and her both close mon and thurs (and i work mongo and she works grill so we're close to each other!) And brooke works we're gonna have a blast!!!!!!!! i love that ALL my friends are starting to get along.....and that i have so many places to hang out.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! Oh and i L O V E my roomate allie! She is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO sweet and we're getting along GREAT!

K,....i don't knwo what all i've talked about and i'm too tired to go back and i'll probably just have to write more when i'm NOT kids!

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:: 2006 21 August :: 7.44 pm

OMG it feels like I'm HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am SOOOOOOOOOO beyond happy I can't even STAND it! Being back up here makes me feel like i'm on top of the world. Highlights so far (and i've only been back 2 DAYS):
*moving in and seeing people i haven't seen in months
*Bonfire and swimming at the beach for HOURS
*Our new AMAZING RA Mallory
*Walmart run at 1 AM to get earrings and needles so I could pierce Eric's ears
*Bitching about the MP even though it's not open yet!
*Running down to the beach and all over town :-)
*ahahahahah, trying to shave in the showers!

Eeeeeeeeeeekkkkk! And it's only been 2 days! I haven't stopped moving, but I still am getting plenty of sleep...i feel so rested when i wake up! I cannot WAIT until Leah gets up here!!!! I miss that girl so damn makes me nuts!

On the one sad note, I don't think things are ever gonna happen with Eric. Which was really hard goin out to walmart with him, being that close to him, face to face. Hopefully with time, that will get easier. However, on the up side of it, I have so much fun when we're all hanging's just hard to look into those eyes. Hahahaha, I've literally seen him numerous times every day except today...and I may see him later tonight anyway! And i've definitely talked to him every drives me a little nuts....but I'm big enough to respect his decision and still keep the great friendship we have.

Ooooo another sad note...Gracie's not coming back up!!! :-( her and jason broke up and she decided she didn't like NMU enough to come by herself.....makes me sad. She was the one person who gave me a chance when the rest of tricia's friends wanted to badmouth me.

But other than the little sad things....omg i'm in heaven.....absolute heaven...and speaking of said heaven....i'm goin out to enjoy some more of it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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:: 2006 17 August :: 12.13 pm

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh jeez!!!!!!! 2 more days!!!!!!! I got NO packing done yesterday so i'm freaking out again! Greg took me out to dinner last night...nothing serious....we went to Pompei and talked for like 2 1/2 was a complete blast. I got to hear all about his train trip to Cali (him and his friend are randomly hopping on a freight train and they're going to see if they can't hop around and make it to Cali lol) They're just crazy like that. We traded summer stories from the past month, caught up on our guy/girl situations....he gave me *more* advice on Eric, I gave him advice on his two new 'prospects' hahaha. That was way better than packing, but the fact that i HAVEN'T making me a little psycho. I'm sure i'm gonna be nutso cranky the next two days. :-D

Eeeep. Yes. Eeeep. You read that right :-P I talked to Tom last night....hehehehe...he CRACKS me up...he's this kid in honors who's gonna be lorne's roomate this year (which will be VERY interesting).

I'm...content...even though my world is a mess and all tangled with everything that's going on right now. I feel like even though I have MOST of it written down and figured out, it's still all over the place. :-\ And I just don't think i'm going to GET organized before i leave...i just have TOO much to do. My room is a disaster in action. My life is kinda a disaster in I'm just scatterbrained right now...i need everything to settle down...which it thankfully will after this next week. I'll get settled back into my world. College and my friends there and the wonderful wonderful scenery around me. And of course, the Eric's got a kegger planned and me and Amanda are planning a room party......however, i think once school gets underway, the drinking will slow up a bunch. Me and Amanda will still be crazy drunks with our margarita nights every time it snows....but hey...what can ya do?? :-) Eric insists that he's gonna all but stop drinking once school starts....I joke with him that I'll believe it when i see it, but i really think he will. When he actually WANTS to do something, he's good about keeping it up. I hope i'm the same...i need to put a bigger emphasis on school this semester so i can really raise my GPA back above a 3.5...which means i need like a 3.7 for the semester. :-\ but I think i can do it, as long as i just study and focus a little bit.

Yikes...totally getting in my way....WORK. I checked my schedule and it's absolutely nuts. I don't know how it's gonna work out....but I am making $7.15 an hour...which is pretty damn sweet for the amount of work i do!!!!!! :-D We'll see how the semester goes...i'll at least stick it out at the MP for that long...after that, who knows...if it's really shitty this year, i'm probably gonna bail out and get a different job. Yeah tath means driving to work most we'll see...really depends on what it's like this year. I guess there's been alot of changes.

:-D I realized something last night when i was talking with amanda. I'm going up to school SINGLE! I don't have to worry about anyone freaking out about me going to parties and being around boys!!! !!!!!!!! I get to do what i want without being berated for it later. :-) And with all the friends I've made last semester and this summer (DANA!!), I can't WAIT to just go out and have a blast....not necessarily always drinking...but just goin out together, out to dinner, movies, CASINO!!! :-D Speaking of Dana, me and Eric better stay friends, cuz i LOVE seeing dana when i'm intoxicated! hahaha, everytime i was there, i saw her. :-) Damn good times. Good memories. :-) Ahhhhhhh, i'm so anxious to get started with this year. I feel like it's a whole new step or section or something of my life. Everything is so different this year...but I KNOW it will be matter what the outcome. <3

Alright...back to some semi-work...i'm not entirely sure if this entry maks sense either. I've been writing it in between other things. :-P

adios <3

light a fire

:: 2006 16 August :: 11.06 am

I was in the middle of writing last night when it all deleted...and seeing as i was tired....i gave up and went to bed. :-\

3 more days till i'm *home*. I don't think it's possible for me to be happier about this. Every time I think about it, a smile bursts across my face, and it's usually accompanied by an "eeeeeeeeeeK!" hahaha....sometimes i really am a dork. :-) I feel incredibly mellow today. happy, excited, anxious, but mellow....if that's possible. I'm alot more at peace now that i have some stuff PACKED. Hopefully tonight I'll get MOST of it done...tomorrow night the girls are comin over for movies, and friday is just nuts...I don't want to be packing EVERYTHING on friday...i'd go bonkers. I'm still freaking out a little bit that I won't have everything done before saturday....EEK.

I have no idea what to expect when i get up there either. In any sense of the word. I don't know what's going on with welcoming committee, I'm not sure how to do the room, I don't know what I'm gonna do with some of the stuff, Idon't know what I'm moving in from the storage unit on saturday, I have no idea what to expect from Eric, I don't know my schedule for the week, i don't know when some friends are moving up....basically, i'm clueless about everything except where i live. :-\ But I'm just gonna go up there with my lack of expectations and see what happens. That makes me a little nervous....anxious to see how this first week is going to play out. I know it'll all work itself out in some way or another....I'm just hoping everything will go smoothly...there's alot of stuff to move in!!! lol I hate that i have to wait a day to get my couch and loft in. But i've gotta wait for brooke's truck :-(. And I'm not entirely sure whether or not Eric's helping me move in...I'm also not entirely sure whether or not I want him to. :-\ I'm fairly afraid of even seeing him. Allix says he's gotta be missing me (he's gotten SUPERattentive lately)....but I don't know how to take it. I figure I'll wait till friday to talk to him about helpin me move the heavy shit....i DO need a boy's help :-) There's NO way i'm hauling that fridge up two flights of stairs. If things end up awkward and he doesn't help, I'm just gonna have to wait till brooke gets up, so either way works.

Ugh...i don't even know if i want to see him on saturday. I'm afraid that I've built him up in my head (but i don't really think i have)...and I don't know if i want a relationship with him anymore. Not that I care about him any less or don't still want him....but we both could have changed this summer....I know I'm not quite as vulnerable. It bothers me because I feel like I'm still basically twined around his finger. I've managed to distance myself a bit's taken alot of thought to take all those feelings and batten them down. This whole thing makes no sense....sorry's all such a mess in my head right that's how it's coming out. My mom (and everyone else on earth) told me the distance has affected it too. It makes me laugh because I KNOW i'm a little more affected by this distance than i was with ben. It amazes me how much I can miss a man I've only really known for a few months. One thing I definitely can't wait for is one of those hugs....even if it's just in a friendship sense. And for as much as I'm looking forward to that, I'm still terrified of seeing him....I think the thing that's the most nervewracking is the thought of looking into his eyes. I don't know what I'll see.....they're so emotive....yep....that's what scares me the most. Those eyes. Hmmmmmm....(yes, this is me typing and figuring things out AS i type them). Those eyes blow me away....draw me in and wrap me up....but I don't know what they're gonna do next week. I could see no emotion.......that would be the worst. Nope. Sadness would be the the last weekend. I don't ever want to see that look again. I can only hope to see that see him happy...and regardless of what it means for me...i could handle that. Because that sparkle makes my day.

Oki.....i'm relaly really rambling and thinking way too much to type a legible thought process....i've just figured alot of things out by typing this though. Like those damn eyes. That's what i'm afraid of. Not of seeing him....but of whatever those eyes of his are gonna tell me.....yeah, i'm gonna go think some more without i promise the next entry won't be as bizarre. <3

light a fire

:: 2006 14 August :: 10.47 pm

oh dear..............................technically only 4 more days now!!!!!!! YIKES!!! I'm completely totally out of control excited about this. Even though i have a feeling the first week is gonna be a little on the boring side....maybe a party or two and then welcoming committtee....ugh. But hopefully that will end up being tons of fun....the people on it this year are AWESOME! i adore them ALL believe it or not....i can't wait to see how it's gonna go.

hahaha, the boy situation has been in tatters as of good kind of tatters. Me and JD now have a deal going....hehehe....if we're both single at the end of sept when i go down for the paint party...things may get interesting. :-D I told DS off because he was being a dick.....he was really forceful at david's and wouldn't stop hurting me when i i got away from him.....i would have liked a kiss....but damn. I'm not gonna let ANYONE treat me like that. I haven't talked to greg yet, but we're hopefully gonna hang out before we leave. (I don't mean hope in a naughty way...necessarily...we had a lot of fun in chem and i kinda miss seein the guy!) And Eric....well, everytime i think i have a clue, he throws another curve at i'm still clueless (and nervous) to see what happens there. I wonder how affected he is....

ONLY 3 MORE DAYS OF WORK!!!!!!!!!! YAYYYYYYYYYY!!! Nah, it's not really that bad...i'm just kinda sick of doing it and i really want to get back to it's even worse.

Allie finally emailed me back!! She seems like a sweetheart!!!! I can't wait to actually meet her now.... :-D

I got alot of packing done today.

I'm really i'm just gonna go to bed. nnight.

light a fire

:: 2006 11 August :: 2.36 pm

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! 8 DAYS!!!!!! That's coming up SOOOOOOOoo quick!!!! Yikes!! I CAN'T WAIT!!!! :-D Ok...*breath*....

I'm SOOO busy too....Wed night went over by Allix to chill with her and Colin for awhile, take some goofy pics and whatnot. Then off to Kristen's for a night of beerpong and dancing through the nursery across the street. lol. I had planned on just a game or two of beerpong and then leaving way late so I could still sleep in my own bed....however! as soon as i got in the basement, alex was at my side with a bottle of whiskey...............i called my mom and told her i definitely wouldn't be home. :-) Ahhh, the night was SUCH a blast...i absolutely ADORE Alex and JD. They're both like 23...and JD is BEYOND gorgeous. *yum* I didn't do anything with him though...not even a kiss...which is a little sad, but i had so much fun with them that it's fine. I definitely passed out on Kristens living room floor though....alex and JD gave me a bunch of water and JD ended up passing out on the couch right next to me. I have NO clue what time we fell asleep....but i was DEFINITELY hungover the next SUCKED. I drank enough for three people!! lol....that's what i get for my crazy late nights...but i wish i could go back and play with them more!!! I've already been invited to their fall paint party...i'm gonna fly down and they're gonna pick me up at Ohare! :-D <3

Then last night was hanging out with marie, which is always refreshing....which is a weird word for it...but too true! We went to barnes and noble and just read books and talked about usual...of course the fact that i'm not getting any is starting to suck a little...hahaha....ill just go sleaze it up at school...yeah right! :-P I love that for much as i joke about it, i'm really not that sleazy at if i wanted to (and I KNOW this sounds conceited) i could have easily made out with JD. He was SUPER touchy-feely (but not in an overbearing way which was nice)...arms around me, tickling and just being playful...but i'm just not really into the idea of one night stands...yeah, JD would probalby be a blast and a half...hehehe....but I'd rather get closer to him Ahhh, I used to be all about being insanely in love for sex....I think i've reached the proper balance on THAT idea. :-)

I probably SHOULD have done something with JD...had a little tiny bit of fun. It would have subdued me for a bit longer. I don't know HOW i'm gonna handle seeing eric. He may have to restrain me. nah, i don't think it will be THAT bad.......well i hope not!....who knows...we'll see in 8 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can you tell i'm STOKED to be back at northern....????? Maybe? Just a LITTLE? I really need to get packing though....oooooo I got a microwave!!! Ann (the secretary at the office) had it in her basement, and she was just gonna throw it out because her daughter didn't want it anymore...and it's fairly nice....(hey, as long as it works!) and it fits in my trunk! SO we're golden! But unfortunately, the 'wave and my blankets are the only things IN my trunk yet!!!! YIKES! I really need to get crackin...i figure hopefully this weekend ill get MOST of it done....need to do all my laundry and whatnot.

Awwww....still haven't gone out with michelle and greg...and i'm sad cuz i think michelle leaves this weekend...but me and greg are HOPEFULLY (our schedules conflict real bad) still gonna hang out before i leave!! <3 Hmmmmm....maybe blow off some steam with him???? ;-)

Ah, busy busy busy....alright...i'm off to get some more work done....

light a fire

:: 2006 9 August :: 12.57 pm

omg, 10 dayS!!!!!! EEK! And I'm SOOOOOO busy!!! tonight is kristen's to see JD!!!! (and alex and all the other frat boys...JD's just my favorite ;-) ), tomorrow is dinner with michelle and greg (i think?!!?!?), friday is scrapbooking and sleeping at my sister's, saturday is brett's bday party, sunday is swimming, shopping with my mom and spending the evening with kelly (her last night home!!!!), monday is work late and hopefully see jill, tues hopefully allix, wed is OPEN!!!!, thurs is girls movie night and pakcing my car, friday is swimming, dr appt, LAUNDRY thats leftover, and RELAXING before i LEAVE!!!! Yikes...the only day i even have open to see anyone else is wednesday...! And I'm SURE there will be other things planned in there on top of everything else...I doubt I'm gonna sleep much the next 4 weeks (move-in week is DEFINITELy no sleep...too much to do, too many people to see!). AND on top of all THAT, i still have to get all my stuff PACKED! Well, basically it's down to just clothes and toiletries....but I like being prepared! lol

Oooooooo they finally posted the book list and i don't think my books are going to be QUITE as expensive as i was freaking out about. The bookstore total would be.... 531!!! NOT BAD AT ALL...and I can usually cut off ALOT of that with barnes&noble, etc. My other classes just aren't that expensive ( lab class doesn't have a book listed yet...i'm guessing the lab manual will probalby be about 100...that's the general price for them) only 600...which isn't bad considering i'd been budgeting about 900! :-) Yay! More money! hehehe.

Speaking of money...i think i'm basically back to broke once i pay all my bills for the rest of the summer, but I've already packed away $140 in cash in a jewelry box for the first few months of school. :-) Just a little extra that I don't even have to think about cuz it's all packed up! :-) I figure that will get me through dinners and booze and such for awhile until I have a steady income again from the MP (we don't get our first check for like 4 weeks because of the way they do billing). Plus, I get my deposit back on the storage unit, so that's another $80. SO i'll be broke in the bank....but I'll have my bills paid through sept. (credit card hopefully FINALLY paid off!!! maybe)and no really other money concerns to worry about...! One can hope!

*tear* I emailed allie through facebook and she hasn't written back...dang these freshmen and their non-obsession with FB! and leah were joking about that yesterday....we're basically addicts. But I am sad that i haven't heard from Allie yet....I'm anxious excited about having a new roomie! :-) I want to knwo if she's gonna be awesome or crummy.... :-\

Holy crap i'm excited. hahha, i'm pretty much ridiculous...but i can't wait...i keep spacing out and thinking about moving back up! :-D

Ugh...I wish I didn't have to work anymore though....I'm just kinda bored with it, because all I'm doing this WHOLE week is sitting in the office and organizing files....YUCK. I miss being out and driving around. And it makes the day go by TONS slower. :-( And of course gives me WAY too much time to think! lol

Hmmmm, what else is, Eric is finally starting to sound more like himself. He's back to being jokey and there's inflection in his voice! :-D Yay! Of course...i'm convinced him and nick have gay sex when noone is looking....but that's a whole other story...hahaha.

As for him, I'm just trying to go up there with no expectations, no anything. Which is undeniably difficult. But I figure it's the easiest thing for me to do in the long run. I had a good talk with Kel about it last night....we went to wally world and made a TB run...SO good. Leah said even if he's up for talking about a relationsihp, I should refrrain.......because then we (all the girls) wouldn't all be I'm not sure what I'll do if he decides he wants to consider a relationship though. And I don't really want to think about it. I have some general thoughts (the biggest one being just how much i care about him)....I guess we'll see. There are SOOO many factors that it's IMPOSSIBLE to tell what direction it will go in. I just hope it doesn't go in the direction of a failing friendship. That would be the worst thing to happen; us just slowly stop talking, fade out. Other than that, I'm fairly open to anything. It'll be hard no matter what I'm sure...but I found the greatest quote in the world...for life in general: "nothing that has meaning is easy." Meeting Eric has been one of the most meaningful things in my life thus far, for about a zillion different reasons...and it has been EXTREMELY difficult, with the distance, and the timing, and everything that has happened....but I wouldn't trade this experience for the world, and my hope is that no matter what happens, we will at LEAST keep our friendship, keep building what we started months ago, and never stop talking.

On a lighter/looser note, I saw Annette the other day! For like the seventh time this summer....i think i've seen her mroe than some of my close friends! hahaha, but it was fun to see her for a little while and do some quick catch-up. Maybe we're just supposed to stay quirky friends for

Oooooooooooooooooooooooo so apparently our tv died....and my mom responded by going out and buying a 56" flatscreen HDTV. Which ROCKS...for the picture and eveyrthing...but sucks...because i have 10 days to enjoy it! Not that I really watch tv much anyway....but this is what the girls night is for! hehehe :-)

I feel like i'm in a bizarre transition stage. And I know I've changed alot already. Not drastic changes...but I've definitely changed from say the end of march. But I'd say I'm rolling with the punches pretty darn well! :-D I hope it keeps up...I like where I'm at....though I'm not anywhere certain at all....oh well...I'm 19 years old and in college....this is one of the last chances I'll have to let myself have a blast and a half all day and all night! hehehe. Laright....i'm outta here fo rnow, i'm starting to ramble. :-P

light a fire

:: 2006 7 August :: 2.29 pm

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh 12 days! I wish it would go by faster! MUCH faster...i'm pretty sick of work....i don't really have anything specific to do.... :-(

I finally got ahold of my roomie! Her name is allie and she seems like a sweet girl, just a little shy (then again, i think i'd be shy too if i found out my roomate was a sophomore!). I hope we get along...this whole new roomate thing is nervewracking! teehee...i'm hopefully gonna email her later today to see if she has a b/f, if she stays up late...ya know...all that fun stuff. :-) Eeeee i'm excited!

Leah's roomate seems pretty neat too...she's an art & design major named megan. Allie's undecided. They're both from the same town, but we haven't figured out if they know each other yet....we're hoping they're not like mortal enemies or anything! :-\

Hmmm...what else is new?? The booklist STILL isn't posted...they're having SEVERE issues with the computer system i guess :-( I'm getting a little frustrated. I want my orgo books! hehehe

I really really need to leave my house soon....12 days is getting to be too long. I'm back to the point where i don't sleep the whole night. :-( REALLY irritating. My house is getting so dad pulled a knife on my brother yesterday and there was mucho screaming i and my mom were out shopping. I think the police have a watch on our number on caller id. :-( My dad likes to call them....ugh. I'm starting to get really affected by being's so fricken upsetting that being home makes me go nuts. I'm actually HEALTHIER when i'm not at my house. and 4 months is proving to be a little over the point where I remain unaffected. :-( I just can't wait to get back to Northern. No more migraines, no more anger, long peaceful sleeping, and NO SMOKE. Well at least not in my face/hair/clothes. :-( YUCK! i totally fell down my deck stairs yesterday when they were wet and i had flipflops on. :-( Yeah, it was only 3 stairs, but I managed to bruise my butt and forearm really bad and hurt my back a little. It sucks to type...i've got a sweatshirt under my right arm right now so it's not resting on the hard desk.

Oooooooooooo went for a run last night too!!!! i'm SOOOO back out of shape! I only ran like a mile and the time was PATHETIC....i'm not even gonna go into it. hahaha. I think I'm gonna try to keep early morning runs and swimming in my fall schedule. Leah said she'd come with if she's not working...but i definitely can't run with her...that crazy girl has way more endurance when she runs when i do. I kick her butt in swimming....but that's a confined space...she'd be two miles ahead of me if we ran! But the run felt AMAZING last therapeutic and i'm DEFINITELY feeling it today. I'm SOOOOO sore. And not just my legs are sore...EVERYTHING is! Instead of just a mile jog, I did alot of full-out felt so good to just totally exert every ounce of energy i had. I'm really looking forward to some sunrise beach runs down on the wet packed sand and if i really want to feel it burn, run in the loose sand! :-D

OOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo i finally found a flowy white skirt! I wanted a longer one the whole summer...and i FINALLY found that summer is basically over :-( lol...oh well it was on sale, which was nice! Speaking of which, i need to start figuring out what clothes i'm going to bring up to school this semester.....I think i have TOO many clothes as of right now! hahah, the closets are pretty big...but not THAT big! lol

Ahhhhhhhh I wish it was next week already!!!!! I want to pack everything up....everything i haven't packed yet is stuff i i can't pack it till the last few days!!!! :-( Boo.

Happy thoughts!
~12 more days!
~lake superior
~Black rocks
~my car!
~plain white t's-fireworks
~chemicals!!! <3 (wow........i'm bonkers)
~all my boys (short hall's just so special)
~the man i can't have (why that's happy i'm not really sure.....but it
~NMU...outdrinking your school since 1899.....i mean...studying?
~BOO!!!! and baby girl, even though it's sad to leave them
~dinner with greg and michelle this week!!! <3
~3:00!!!! Only 2 more hours of work!!!!!
~RUNNING ....i've always liked TO run...just by myself, without a set amount or time :-)
~KELLY ANN....i'm gonna miss her SO much...this summer has been a blast!

Ok...that's enough of that for just felt like REALLY boosting my i pretty much feel higher than a kite happy. I'm probably clinically insane. lol. But just thinking of all those little things makes me smile all the way from my head to my toes! (not literally!)

mmmk....i'm gonna go see what work there is to do....i feel inefficient!!!


light a fire

:: 2006 6 August :: 10.35 am

Ok so i meant to post on tons more...but lorne was making me laugh WAY too hard.... i FINALLY got my roomate....BUT i can't get ahold of her!!!! :-( She doesn't answer the phone number they gave, and she's not on facebook or myspace. :-( That alone frightens me slightly. lol hopefully i get ahold of her within the next week or so.

Ok, so more about Brookes....she really made me sit and think. I don't know how we got on the topic, but basically when she first met me, she thought i was rather dark and depressive. :-( That's really upsetting to me because I always thought of myself as happier....guess not. Now, however, she says she DEFINITELY sees a difference....she asked if i'm on the same happy pills leah must take every day! lol. That itself made me happy, because i FEEL happier! Even when i'm stressed or upset or even crying....i still have HAPPINESS. It absolutely amazes me. I haven't been this happy in SOOOOOOOO long.....i want to keep this feeling forever.

I've gotten ALOT of my packing done already...some stuff is even in the car already! (it's stuff that won't be damaged by the HEAT) I'm getting a little concerned about how to fit everything into my car though....YIKES. I've got two or three big things (bike, shelving, MAYBE rug)......I know the bike fits but I need to start measuring where everything else will! I wanted to have everything packed and DONE by the thursday before i leave...but no such mom has scheduled school shopping on in less than 24 hours before i leave! argh. But thats life...and it won't be TOO hard...i'm just gonna stick everything i get into a backpack and have that be the last thing to go in the car. So no worries.....i just hate last minute stuff! lol

Everything is ALMOST starting to fall into place. I really truly don't know about Eric though. He seems like he's a million miles away, and I don't know how to react to that. I haven't known him long enough to know just how much everything he's got to deal with is affecting him....but i know enough to know it's really hurtin him. I hate that I can't really help him through this.....but there's not much more i can do other than just be there if he needs me. It's definitely frustrating and it makes me a little sad....but that's just how it has to be. He's got a lot to deal with right now...I'm not even sure he'll be ok with all anytime soon...which could mean even our friendship gets strained. :-\

The booklist still isn't posted....however, the lady i talked to PROMISED it would be up on monday....apparently it worked for like 10 minutes on last tuesday.....brooke got all her fricken books!!!!! :-( UGH....hahahah....oh well...ill just have them priority mailed to me. :-)

Alright, i'm gonna go shower and get stuff done for the day. I've got a HUGE list to do!

light a fire

:: 2006 5 August :: 3.48 pm

hahaha, i love lorne....we're talking on aim and he's convinced that if i JUST wanted sex, i wouldn't even have to say a word and i'd get my way. I doubt that....alot. There are some skeazy boys i could probably convince....but it would take a little work lol.

thebus36ltrain: because i could list off about 600 guys that would do you sober in the drop of a heartbeat and half of them wouldn't mind sharing just because you're just that good.

oh lorne....hahahah. Gives me a good laugh at least! :-) I was discussing my ongoing eric problems with him. He kinda watched as we started hanging out and I talked to him alot about it (we'd talked alot about me and ben too throughout the year)....he liked the way eric treated me...and he's really good for advice. So I've got some more of that and a few ideas...and we'll see how it goes.

I can't wait to see him.....when i talk to friends from up there...i strrt missing them like CRAZY.

14 days.....i want it to go faster. but i have SO much to do this next two weeks....packing, give blood, brett's birthday party, swimming, kristen's to see JD and Alex from Matt's school, dinner out with Greg and Michelle from my summer class, doctor appointments, laundry, trying to see everyone as much as possible before i leave. busy busy bee...on top of work. ugh. oh well, i just can't wait to go.

Though i'm nervous about things with eric.... i just wish i knew what was going to happen.

I went down and saw brooke last was sweet.......we just sat and talked for like 3 hours....bout everything - boys, school, the girls, work, life, misisng everyone.

hmmm, yeah, me and lorne are havin some crazy convos...ill write later way distracted

light a fire

:: 2006 2 August :: 5.59 pm

I'm supposed to be at work for another hour. But I have nothing to do really....well, there's stuff I COULD do...but I have no motivation. :-D

I want to leave so I can go call Al....she freaked out alot about Jimmy today before work...i hate that I am over an hour away from her. :-(

I didn't get to finish my movie last night. I spent most of it talking with Leah and Kelly. I miss Leah so's unbelievable. I miss our talks and our laughing and how much I feel like we're misisng out on each other by being so far away! Which makes me sound a little on the lesbian side of things....but she really has become like a sister. (which is funny......both our moms mentioned that we KINDA look alike) Ugh, I just can't wait to sit and talk and catch up with her. And my Brooke. I think I'm going to drive down to see her at 1am on Saturday (friday night). I told her I would at some point this summer, and I'm running out of days. Just sit around and talk for awhile and then head home....catch up a bit before things get all hectic with moving in. :-) Speaking of which...........

17 MORE DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

which is SOOOO soon! I can't even believe it, and i can't wait! I miss northern like i'd miss my right arm. And missing EVERYONE is driving me CRAZY. I've turned into superfacebookwhore leaving miss you messages on everyones walls. :-) The first few weeks are gonna be SOOO hectic! With welcoming committee and mentoring, I'm pretty much SWAMPED already! Becka sent WC an email said we will be eating, breathing, and sleeping WC for the whole first two weeks (before and during move-in)...YIKES. I better get some time to see everyone...wanna see Brooke, Leah, Brooke, Eric, Lorne, AMANDA!, Wayne, Andrew, Ben, Julian, John, and Steve, and EVERYONE else!

Ahhhhhhhhhh, well now I miss everyone times like 72.......

I love that that list is comprised of 4 girls and 8 guys. I'm STILL a tomboy after 19 years....I love hangin with my boys more than life itself. They're always good for video games and beer. :-D But I've AMAZINGLY turned into QUITE the more jeans and a tshirt for me every day. I officially own 5 skirts (3 minis), that i actually WEAR fairly often, and about a bazillion CUTE shirts. :-D I can pass for cute almost any day of the week!! I'm a little bummed cuz i haven't toned up as much as i wanted to this summer....I just haven't had the time! But I've got a bunch of lap swim time planned into this last two hopefully that will give me some quick definition to look supergood for the first week of schooL! I'm DETERMINED to blow the boys away. I want to see their jaws I wish Coone was coming back...he was always good for an inuendo or other comment to make me feel like a million bucks hahaha.

Oh on a sidenote...just talked to Allix...who's doing better. Ugh...she told me I'm not allowed to make any give up/not give up/change my mind decisions on Eric until I get back to school and get to see him in person for more than a day or two. :-\ UGH. Not ugh at him, DEFINITELY not at him, but ugh at having to wait another two weeks to make any sort of definite decisions on what i want to do about myself in correlation to him. :-\

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh THE BOOKLIST STILL IS NOT POSTED>....and i leave in a little over two weekS!!!!!!!!! The "queen of preparation" as allix referred to NOT happy with this! And I still don't have my roomate!!!!!! lol.....this is so nuts. I'm gonna need a padded dorm room if they don't get on this! teehee.

Alright, kids, i'm gonna fly.....its RAINING outside!!! YAY!

oooo one last sad second bunny antenna topper got lost in the carwash today....Bianca wanted to be clean....and now its raining...argh. but i lost my bunny...i think i'm gonna buy two this time around and just keep the extra in my glove compartment. :-D


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:: 2006 1 August :: 9.02 pm

Whooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! An entire night to relax!!!!!!!!! Well ok, not an entire night....but me, some comfy clothes, a huge bed, and a spectacular movie....because i'm just that darn cool. :-P Actually I'm physically/emotionally/mentally wiped, so this is necessary....hahaha :-) I feel better already!

So I'm a little sad because I finally got ahold of Eric this evening....and he's in Illinois. :-( He had his grandpa's funeral to go to and basically has been crazily busy with that and getting everything sorted out with it the whole time he's been here (since monday). So that kinda, he sounded SO just.....sad.... :-( He said he's ok....but I think it's hitting him alot deeper than he's letting on. On the plus side of this (though it's not exactly a PLUS side....this doesn't HAVE a plus side), he has a car now....he told me months ago that he was going to get his grandpa's car when he died..... :-\ So it's sweet that he has a car now (and if i remember right, it's a NICE car), but the circumstances are kinda shitty.

On a slightly fun/funny note, I DEFINITELY threw him off. He asked how my weekend went and I told him I'd gone up to Mike's and gone out on the boat the whole weekend to lay out/have a few drinks/play in the water. His reply was HYSTERICAL. "Do I know Mike???" in this really agitated, snippy voice. I was like 'uh......well, he's my brother....'. hehehehe. He acted like it was no big deal and kinda laughed it off....i found it slightly humorous. Hearing him actually sound jealous was something I doubt I'll hear often.
Oh well....I'm still thrown for a thousand loops....but it WAS better to hear his voice....I didn't feel SO attached....i hope it's not just in my head. Hopefully I can be his friend.....I don't want to have other intentions around him. That's not fair to him at all.

In other news...I had to work late tonight....and all the rest of this week. :-D Which should be upsetting...but it's not at all. It was actually kind of nice. It didn't feel like a much longer day at all.

Ugh....MY FEET ITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They're COVERED in mosquito bites! :-( hehehe, thats what i get for running around in flipflops. :-)

Alright, I'm distracted by this movie.....gonna go watch it! TIll next time!!!!! <3

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:: 2006 31 July :: 10.18 pm

I'm frustrated...with everything...myself included....

Not to say that I'm not happy....although that's the general conclusion you may draw from the last few entries. But overall I'm really doing good...there's just alot of stress and crap coming down on me these last few weeks of summer, and htere's SOOO much to cram in. It's really just overwhelming....even when I have a chance to relax, there's a billion things to do.'s really hard to NOT think about Eric. ARGH. I feel like I have a thought connected to him no matter what subject is brought's RIDICULOUS. I think it's actually harder because I haven't talked to him in a few days. Hopefully once i talk ot him, it will be a little easier???? I HOPE!!!!!!!! :-\

:-( It's soooo easy right now for me to freak out about the smallest things...i hate it. I want to go back to being able to just brush the little things off...and right now i KNOW i can't. ridiculous.

ok, i'm just gonna go to bed...i'm sleepy, and i'm working on NOT being tired this week....PLUS, i just talked to a VERY ripped Erin, who said her and Kari are BOTH gonna be in IL tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I miss those two like CRAZY! So I probably will head out to Libertyville after work and HOPEFULLY get to see the both of them! :-)

K, night! <3

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:: 2006 30 July :: 4.15 pm i'm trying to make that last entry private, but it's not letting me. :-(

So I realized that I just need to fuckin get my head around Eric and get over it. Which is insanely upsetting...but i'm ready to give up on it. I can't hold on to wanting him forever. And amazing as he is, he's said he doesn't want a i have to honestly respect that. :-( Just hurts. makes me sad. But I'll live. It's not the end of the world....just a painful turn. At least I won't lose his friendship....well i hope i don't...over time friendships have a severe tendency to change drastically.

In other news.....because that's too upsetting to continue on about....went up to michael's for the weekend. SOOO relaxing. Got to go to the fair friday night and then spent ALL of saturday out on the boat at paddock lake. It's a LITTLE lake, but PERFECT for learning how to waterski (by the way...I SUCK....i need a wakeboard!!) and just chill in the water. I'm a little sad because I didn't get as much sun as I would have liked, but i got enough that you can tell i was out all day. :-)

Alright, i'm gonna go work on cleanin everything up and laundry...I figure my room needs a good solid cleaning out before i go back to school...since i won't be back to it long-term till christmas.

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:: 2006 25 July :: 10.55 am

HOly hell.........I'm EXHAUSTED. Like my eyes don't want to stay open! UGH. This is shitty. I have way too busy of a night to be tired. Maybe ill sneak in a nap before class....hopefully?? I don't really know...right now is SO slow...there is literally nothing for me to do at the office...i SOOOOOOO could have just slept the whole morning. :-( I hate when I don't have anything to do. It makes the tme DRAG by like crazy. oh well...i've gotten a little bit more studying done for the's just hard because the material is boring and makes me tired! hahahaha. I wish i could wake up. :-( Ok...ill stop blabbering about that

Hmmmmmm so i've been talking to ben more often lately. I think it's a good thing. I think he may actually be able to do the friends thing. We'll see how it develops. I realized yesterday that he hasn't really changed that much....which is fine....just irritating to me.

Rar.....i have nothing to do!!!!!!!! asjflaskjf;daslfjs;lfkjsf;lksdf This is so frustrating to me...i hate being idle, unless i can nap...and i can't really nap at work, especially because ben hired this other attorney and he's ALWAYS here....and i don't want to look completely unprofessional....although i know i wouldn't get in any trouble for it....i've called both regi and ben, and they've basically said there's nothing for me to do righ tnow.

*hope eric got his present today*

There are 24 days until I move back *home*. I can't wait. The days are starting to slow down though....which i'm sure they'll do until about a week before i leave...and then it will fly by. I still have alot of stuff to get done....packing and cleaning and everythin. But now that I know i'm staying up there next summer (i've talked about it completely with my mom, and its settled. Even if i don't get an internship....), I just can't wait to get started. I'm SOOO excited and I wish I could get an apartment this year...I want to REALLY be on my own. Having to pay for rent and food and all that stuff. Yeah thats right...EXCITED. I'm sure ill hate myself for those words next year...but for now, i can't wait. I can't wait to see what this year will bring too. I have a feeling that EVERYTHING is going to be changing...which scares me...but I think it will all turn out for the best. I hope. I'm SUPERNERVOUS about my new roomate....i'm so afraid of getting a crappy one. :-\ And i STILL don't know!!! School starts in like 4 weeks!!!!! I HATE not knowing what's going on. eeek

I was trying to figure out how often i'll actually sleep on campus. There are so many places i can crash now....John's house, Steve's apt, Brooke's apt, Jessie and Brooke's house, Eric's apt, Brandon's apt, Ben's, i LOVE that there are more guys than girls. :-D However, those boys are all totally platonic with the exception of eric. Well and maybe, my little pot smoking cliffjumping buddy. Love that boy...and he's cute to boot...hahaha. EVERYTHING is up in the air still!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was hoping that I'd at least have some stuff figured out by this point in the summer! lol

Ok...i'm gonna go do some mentoring research...yay! :-D

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:: 2006 24 July :: 10.43 pm

Lallalalalal, so I'm TOTALLY procrastinating my chem'm so typical. Plus, i really want to write in here more, so i can laugh at myself in 6 months when it's all changed. :-D

Ooooo happy happy...Eric has not had a drink since tuesday!!!!! I'm SOOOO impressed/amazed by that! lol...which is ridiculous. And I"m so so happy for him that he's doing that for himself, without anyone riding his ass about it. He just decided he doesn't really want to drink as much anymore. He didn't even drink when he had people over who were drinking.....hwich is DAMN impressive. He said he's not even gonna drink that much tomorrow night (his birthday) or this weekend (when his friends come up to celebrate his bday)....that we'll see about...LOL. I highly doubt that he'll actually uphold we'll see. I want him to get his fricken birthday present dangit. !!!!!! I hope he likes it...i'm nervous! hahahaha

Oooooooooooooo went out to eat with wonderful Amanda monkey tonight!!!! hehe. WE went out to applebee's and spent like 4 hours was SWEET...i definitely missed talking with her! It made me miss the pool a little bit and highschool as well....but catching each other up on the others life was such a blast. She's doing amazingly well.... :-D

Ugh....chem test tomorrow :-( Not looking forward to it...but looking forward to it because its my last day!!! and then me, greg, and michelle are goin drinking!!! :-) I'm THINKING maybe have a teensy bit of fun with Greg??? Basically i REALLY need something to get my mind off eric a little bit......and i REALLY want to makeout. lol. It's too bad there's nothing really tempting in m-town. :-( But I dunno if i'll do anything with greg....i'm hoping to stay friends with him after summer....and that may mess it up....hahaha....who knows...maybe he can be big enough to say, hey, lets make out, no strings attached! :-D Oh dear...i'm a whore. Not really...well i don't see myself as one. I just want to have a good time...i'd never go out and randomly sleep with a guy...never ever. But this single thing is crappy when you just want to kiss someone alot. :-P

ARRRRR i don't know. and yes i'm a pirate. I really need to get all this shit figured out. It's just frustrating! But the ridiculous part is that I wouldn't have it any other way....well i would...but since i can't have it THAT way, I prefer this! oh well....i guess i'll maybe get everything figured out in a few more weeks....ill have my work schedule and my classes set and the mentoring thing underway and hopefully be starting up some research. I'm just overwhelmed by it all right now....and usually talking about it makes it all sort itself out, but I could basically talk myself to china about eric, and i have no clue about the other stuff either! Hopefully once everything gets back in gear, it will all fall into place...and if not, then i'll have to adjust and make a place for it!! Which is hopefully as easily done as said lol.

Mentoring frightens seems like a TON of work...and we''re training people when we haven't even been mentors yet!!!yikes. I've got a bunch of research to do this week...our final update to kari is due this saturday!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Thank god Kari is such a sweetheart and i'm already friends with her....makes it totally comfortable to send her questions and whatever else i need help on.

My room is a disaster right now...but i just don't have the motivation to clean it up!!!! I'm SOOO busy and crazy that I get home and just throw everything on the floor basically....there are clothes and backpacks and papers....YIKES. I think wed after work (if i'm not too exhausted) i'm gonna try to get it all cleaned up. It's driving me crazy....but i just don't have the energy right now! Too much partying for this girl...hahaha, and i'm not evne doin that much.

K, i'm gonna head out, get some work done, and then try to get to bed before midnight...i need the rest before tomorrow night!!! wish me luck everyone!!! <3

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:: 2006 23 July :: 6.18 pm

Wow....I feel like a slacker...i NEVER write in here anymore! I've been SOOOOOOOOOOOo busy at work lately and then hanging out with everyone...i barely have time to SLEEP! hahaha, but i'm having SUCH a good time...and all the hanging out with people makes missing eric not as bad.

Hmmmm, so i went to this party on friday.....and i don't really remember most of it. Not good....I apparently had a hit of opium.......yeah.......Mo didn't tell me it wasn't weed...but i should have known better so totally my fault. Luckily i had DW and isaiah watchin my back...but still. Dundas and me had a great conversation about hitting gnomes apparently.......and i drank ALOT....and called like 9 people...and wrote on a bunch of people's walls on facebook. The walls are so incoherent it's ridiculous. But it was a damn good party. I saw a bunch of people i hadn't seen in AGES....saw Sam, which absolutely made my night. :-)

Went out by Brian's last night....which was fun too....went to the health club and went swimming and just talked for hours. It was really good....he likes the sounds of eric, but doesn't like his 'i can't do a relationship' bit....he doesn't trust it. Which is ok by me....because I'm still not even 100% about that. I may accept it and trust him completely, but that doesn't mean i like it. Oh well....i think i actually threw eric off a bit, because i put up an away message saying i was at brian's for the night....and i didn't mention it on the phone when i talked to eric...and he doesn't know the names of my bros (i don't think)....he sounded like he wanted to ask about it so bad...but he didn't, just repeatedly asked me how my weekend was and if i had fun and what all i did (i told him i just chilled out for the weekend and relaxed...which is true). I figure if my heart's gonna be this fucked up, i can at least make him think a little bit.

I'm gonna go spend the weekend with mike next weekend too....we're gonna go out on the boat and go waterskiing...i'm superexcited! Plus, I haven't really seen him either much this summer so that will be nice. Oooooooo and i've pretty much bought everything for school and now i'm getting so excited to pack it all up and MOVE!

Alright...i'm gonna go....heading out....busy bee....i should really study more for my test.......OH WELL....we'll see what happens hahaha....ill study tonight/tomorrow night! <3

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:: 2006 18 July :: 1.31 pm

Hmmm...well I'm done with everything I have so far, and now noone is answering any i have nothing to do. Boo. Oh is a better day already...i feel TONS better. I was definitely dying yesterday... :-( two hours later.....Ben brought me work to do, so I had to get that done first! :-)

Only 3 more classes!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!! Of course, the fact that i still have to go sit through like 5 hours of lecture (the last class is two long-ass tests) is not appealing. NEither is the last day of tests...UGH. It's DEFINITELY gonna be nasty. BUT i SOMEHOW managed to pull of a C on the last test...I tell you kids, I have NO clue how.

God, i'm a facebook whore...i just went and wrote on like 10 people's it's people i miss...and i had to let them know that! teehee...makes me feel happy when i let people know that i'm thinking of them! :-D

Ok..........I'm uber-distracted by facebook i'm going to stop :-) I think I may delete my myspace soon....I NEVER update it anymore...facebook is so much better and SOOO many of my friends on there. But there a couple or so that are on myspace....though i hardly talk to them. I dunno. We'll see.

alright...i'm outta here. :-P

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:: 2006 17 July :: 10.34 pm

Ugh........not a good day. So about halfway through work I started to get a headache....which morphed into by far the worst migraine i've had in a very long time. Nauseous, sensitive to light and sound, head pounding, neck sore, back aching. Stayed all through work, and then i had to drive home. That was soooo bad. Tears fell down my cheeks half the drive because it hurt so bad...i couldn't keep my eyes anymore than half open, the A/C was so loud....but turning it down made me burn up. And i couldn't wear my sunglasses because where they rest on my nose makes my head hurt to begin with. :-(

SO I came home, went upstairs, stripped off all my clothes, and climbed into bed. I woke up two hours later, came downstairs, found out that Thunder died from the heat, walked outside, and found my mom drunk off her ass because she downed a bottle and a half of wine before anyone knew what had happened. The boys of this household sure are observant. Ugh. So I had to take care of my mom.....that was fun....she's CRUSHED by Thunder's death....blaming herself entirely. But he was old and the heat was just too much for him...she went out there a bunch today to give them fresh water and check up on them....there wasn't anything more she could do for him...Kando was already in the house, and the two of them fight. :-( She wasn't really that bad to take care of...just really really sad and unsteady...Thunder was her favorite.

The only good part to today was callin eric. I dialed his number with all intention of telling him everything a day early....I was that hyped up about it...but when he got on the phone (i woke him up....he couldn't sleep last night cuz of the heat)....I just didn't do it. It didn't feel right. So now who knows...i'm sure i'll go back and forth on whether or not to tell him...maybe i'll just wait until i'm actually face to face with him. We just don't do really serious talks on the person is so much better and in this case, maybe worth the wait. We had a good convo though...he kept me from focusing on my headache too much (well for a bit, i didn't keep him too long cuz i know he was exhausted). Plus, Jason and another one of his friends are up there now (just got up like an hour ago), so i wanted to let him rest up for that, cuz I'm sure they're gonna be up to no good the next two days lol.

alright...i need a shower and sleep...i still feel like fuck.

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:: 2006 17 July :: 10.41 am

So I was talking with Marie and Leah last night too....and I decided I'm gonna lay it all out to Eric after class tomorrow. Tell him that I hate the reason why he can't be with me is so vague. That I hate that I don't know the reasons BEHIND the reason, and I can't know right now without being pushy/demanding. That i wish i could stick him in the 'typical guy' category and just hate him for it, but i CAN'T because he's SUCH an amazing guy. That it's HARD for me to push down those feelings to just be his friend. And that when he finds the girl he CAN have a relationship with...i'm going to be jealous, because I know what she'll be getting. Ugh....this is so bizarre to deal with. Because as much as i WANT to know exactly why....I don't want to push him into telling me. :-\ If I don't tell him though, I'm going to go crazy...and we've always said we'll be straight with each other. So he's gonna have to hear it. I don't want what I have to say to change anything between us...but if he doesn't know how i'm really feeling, i don't feel right about it. arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Ok...i'm spacing out majorly, so i'm gonna go do some work. adios! <3

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