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Wizened Auld Man

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goodbye

:: 2021 28 February :: 10.32pm

);

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goodbye

:: 2021 27 February :: 12.00am

One of my friends tonight asked me what I wanted. It's something I haven't truly had an answer for until my recent serious soul searching and deep analyzing about my life and times.

I think peace of mind is the answer. I want to be able to be calm and even enjoy my state of being. I haven't been truly content for so long it's hard to envision it coming to fruition... Not worrying about the future or agonizing over my past choices or being anxious about how others perceive me... true peace of mind.

Whether this presents itself in the form of financial stability or being in optimal physical condition or whether it comes from further deep emotional awareness and connection - however it comes - I can't just hope it stays. I must actively harness the motivation it takes to get me there and keep me there. This is no small feat because, as we all know, my interest in self improvement wanes about every 6 months for 5 months at a time. Debilitating. Depressive. Immobilizing. My will power does not stick around.

Somehow I need to keep myself going through the strenuous occurrences and also the overly appreciative and loving times. Obviously stress hurts us but also when I get too much love and attention, I feel like I'm where I want to be and I don't have to be any different. When in fact, if I don't continue actively self-discovering/self-imrpoving, the cycle starts all over again and I'm right back where I started: not achieving a meditative state of bliss.

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godessalthena

:: 2021 25 February :: 6.32am

next month is unofficially 11 years with my employer.

11 years of misery, but I'm still here.

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goodbye

:: 2021 21 February :: 6.32pm

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