I just finished a book.
No. I didn't write it. I wish I had. But I wouldn't want that to be inside my head.
Such A Pretty Face - Cathy Lamb.
It cut to my very core. And I don't really have friends I can talk to about it. Or family. My best friend and sister moved to Baltimore to be with a man. And I can't say anything because I almost moved to Utah for a man. And then I almost moved to Michigan for another. Hello, hypocrisy.
I don't have anything to say. I just had to say all this nothing to get it out of me.
For some stupid reason, I find myself in love with nothing other than sadness. Trust me, I'm not proud.
It is so cold today, has been all week. Usually October still holds the heat of the setting sun of summer. It's usually a disappointment from when i was a kid and seasons were definite. But this one is right. It feels much later in the year. and the smells...
I open the windows and I'm fifteen again.
not ashamed of who I am
but maybe a little sorry for
who I was before I stopped the
facade, hiding in who you wanted
me to be, that porcelain image in
your bed, in your head, in your beautiful eyes...
I was something else before
I realized that I'm not waiting
for someone to rescue me,
I'm just waiting for me to
sometimes, I feel claustrophobic inside my own body.
sometimes, I wish I could open the door to find myself standing there,
have a drink,
hear what I'm thinking from my point of view.
open the door, "hey, been trying to meet you.
there must be
a devil between us."
it's funny how
into a thousand tiny pieces
can feel so good.
a chapter finished,
to start a new line.
2009 22 July :: 12.27am
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: I Alone - Anouk
work and work. And, soon enough, school as well.
I'm excited to start my psych degree. Not so much on finishing my business one.
Coke is a hard addiction to kick.
Cherry that is... My drug.
Yeah. I have too much time on my hands usually. Yet I can still never find the time to hang up my clothes.
Funny how those things work.
Totally moved out of the house with Ashley and Lacey. Lacey met a guy from North Dakota and he moved down a few weeks ago. At that time I moved into a house with Renkoski. It's pretty boss, not gonna lie.
I got a raise at work... a wopping $0.40, but still. I also put in for a management postion. I don't know if I'll get it, of course I have my hopes up, but not too high. That would be another pay raise, but idk. At least they'll know I'm interested in a management position for future knowledge, should I not get this one.
Um... yeah. I'm doing super, old-injury wise. No more surgeries, I think. Well, I might have to get an anthroscopy on my knee, but like... that's further off in the future, I think.
It sucks balls when the weather changes, and it's hard to sleep, but I just knock myself out with benadryl on those nights.
Hmm. Yeah. I'm single, of course. Don't think that's going to change any time soon. Like, seriously, I limp and I have scars. Big, obvious ones. Guys my age are too caught up on shit like that to look past it and get to know me.
So I'll get over the loneliness and not worry about it for the next like friggin five years, I guess.
I'm thinking of tattoos, still. It's so hard. I know where I want it, I just need to know what "it" is. I'm torn between a penguin and some script.
I know not what I want.
2009 19 June :: 11.15pm
:: Mood: complacent
:: Music: Raven's Land - Voltair
Me oh my it has been awhile, hmm?
I'm single. I'm back to working. Some days I do great, others I want to cry my eyes out from pain.
Some days I walk awesomely, others I limp around like my grandmother. I hate walking from the back to the front of the store, and back again. When people see me limping, I always think that they think I'm mocking someone, so I feel bad. Therefore I work really hard on not limping. Sometimes it's rather impossible.
I signed up for classes again.
I decided to get another degree, besides my business one, in psychology. I think I want to teach. But I think I want to like... do businessishy things.
The decisions kill me!
I had a recent surgery on my knee, marking the fifth. A wire had broken and was doing bad things to my tendons, but like... they took it out. And it's still doing the same thing that we had the surgery to fix.
So my surgeon/doctor gave me a shot of cortisone in my knee [which hurt far too bad to want that to make things better, for I want no more. ever.]
We're giving that a month to work. If not, we're going to see what else we can take out and rearrange. Joyous.
Ashley and Lacey ran away to South Dakota. Lacey met this guy off of Speeddate on Facebook. They hit it off rather well, I guess. They had known each other for a week, maybe two, and he came down. Now it's her turn to go up. He put his two weeks in last friday, and then he's moving down as soon as he gets things together. I guess he's probably moving in here, though our house is far too little for four people.
If he gets a job around here, he'll stay. If not, he and Lacey are moving away.
If he stays, I'm moving out with Jacob. If he and she move, Jacob is moving in here. I'm pretty excited, either way.
I found out today I get a forty cent raise, starting August fifth =]
That's exciting; I was happy.
I got "far exceeds expectations" on my evaluation papers. Because I'm awesome like that.
Hmm. Dusty and I dated for like... less than a month. That just... was weird. It was all new and exciting at first, but then I was like, "Dusty... meh." He was very much my friend, as opposed to my boyfriend. It hit awkward land really fast.
So... been single since April 30th. (Yes. We broke up the day after my birthday. It was sad.)
I have definitely hit the tired-of-being-alone status.
I seem to like... always fuck shit up. I don't mean too, but I guess I'm just too good at it to quit??
I thought I was ready... I thought I wanted this. It felt so right... but then that feeling faded and my stomach was churning and my heart ached. It was as if it was saying, "seriously? you're putting me through this pain and struggle yet again?"
So I listened to it and backed out.
I didn't want to hurt him if I did... I just need to get my shit straight.
And I'm hesitant to start something again with me here and him there. But moving would be ridiculous. And I'm not going to move. For the first time in a really long time I'm happy with my friends and my family... I couldn't make myself move, ever.
That's just the way it is.
And I'm sorry for that.
More fun surgery >.<'
To defy my therapist [because I'm badass like that] I fucking snapped the metal plate screwed to my ulna in half.
He said it couldn't be done, so take that, I showed you bitch.
Actually, the only reason it broke is because the other shit that needs healed [Read: everything] is taking precedence over the two breaks in the forearm for some reason. Like, the ulna is snapped in half and the two ends don't even touch. Add lots of use and pressure... this makes the plate screwed over the gaping hole bow. And it finally gave out.
Soo... surgery on Tuesday. They will remove the broken plate and replace it with an even larger plate with more screws holding it in.
To make this shit not happen again, I increase my calcium dosage and they give me a device to wear on my arm at night that sends signals to the bone cells, making them work harder and faster to form new bone.
Mt. Dew + Pepsi = Delicious.
So I fucked up my left arm. No idea how, but it hurts super bad and I have an appointment with my surgeon wednesday at 2:45. I have to keep my arm in a sling and not use it "at all." Really not looking forward to that. I might have to have surgery on it again... fail.
Fuck my life.
2009 20 February :: 12.16pm
:: Mood: contemplative
-because for people like you and me, there are no real friends.
there are no perfect relationships.
and there are no right decisions.
-because there is not a good enough reason not to.
there is no eternal bliss and there is no perpetual punishment.
-because there is never happiness on the other side.
there are only fantasies that fit well inside your mind and never come to fruition.
-because we must fight off our demons every single day just to be happy.
and things weren't the way we thought they would be.
-because i'm trying, i really am.
and when i smile it's real, and when i hurt it isn't.
-because people like you and me, we need each other.
just to stay alive, and just to feel less alone.
-because there is no such thing as loneliness
there is nothing to keep us here and nothing to make us go.
every place is my prison.
and it always ends like this.
2009 5 February :: 3.23pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: Super Mario Brothers Tune
Holy smokes, un update from Rachel. And, assuradely, one that will take forever for me to type.
So, on December the 6th, my van that I was driving (which was totally my parents') caught on fire, along with my friggin house. So I lost like two hundred dollars of emergency cash, all my school books (worth $450) and a ton of other stuff. So I moved in with Grandma and Grandpa and used their van (I assure you I was getting good at driving those stupid things). Then on the 12th of December, Grandma sent me to get us all some lunch before I went to work.
I met a tree. lol I drove straight into it and I haven't a reason as to why. I split open my left knee cap on the dash, nine inches across and two inches up it, shatterring my patella. I broke a piece off the end of that femer, blew the middle of it out, and broke the top of it next to my hip socket.
On my right leg, I dislocated the hip, fracturing the socket and breaking off a chip of it. Later they found a fracture under the knee cap in my tibia.
Left arm: Friggin broke both the radius and the ulna.
Right arm: Blew out the middle of the humerous, and broke the radius in a spiral break next to my elbow.
They salvaged 2/3 of my knee cap, holding it together with three screws and two pieces of wire. Stuck a titanium rod in my femur and humerous. Metal plates screwed to the other breaks in my arms, one that curves around my right elbow, which might have to be taken out in six months, and the rod in my humorous might be taken out in a year.
I had hip precautions so I didn't pop it out and I could only put 50 percent of my weight on it, so when I stepped I had to divide the weight up between my arms and the right leg with my walker.
However, to-friggin-day I saw my surgeon and he said I was doing so good I could go ahead and nix the walker and go to a cane when I felt comfortable doing so. I wasn't even supposed to be able to walk yet so I'm totally kicking ass on this.
The only other problem I had was I have Radial Palsey, where the radial nerves i my right hand/arm whatever, suffered so much damage they shut down on me. I'm getting them back, some movements quicker than other, but still. Like I couldn't even raise my arm of my wrist and now my fingers are just like uncordinated, and I can't do a thumbs up either. But some of that is due to weakness from not using it.
I was in Cox Hospital for 18 days, and in Select Specialty Hospital for 28 days, a total of 46 days. Ugh. I don't know when I can go back to work, but Social Security is giving me disability so I can pay my bills, luckily. I just found that out today, actually, so that was awesome.
Aaaaanyways. That's what's up.
<3 and miss everyone!!!