pop-tart
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2008 1 December :: 10.30am
Made it through November.
For the most part I wish I could say that I did it by myself but I know that isn't true. Luke helped a lot.
I am done being homebound now... It actually didn't help me at all to keep myself locked up in here but going out would have only made me feel worse.
I miss my friends.
4 Ghosts |
Fade Into Memory
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xjayk
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2008 29 November :: 11.11am
Do you want to feel how it feels?
Do you want to know that it doesn't hurt me?
Do you want to hear about the deal that I'm making?
It's you and me.
And if I only could,
I'd make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building.
So if I only could...
You don't want to hurt me,
But see how deep the bullet lies.
Unaware I'm tearing you asunder.
Oh, there is thunder in our hearts.
Is there so much hate for the ones we love?
Oh tell me, we both matter, don't we?
It's you, it's you and me.
It's you and me won't be unhappy.
And if I only could,
I'd make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building,
Say, if I only could, oh...
You,
It's you and me,
It's you and me won't be unhappy.
"C'mon, baby, c'mon darling,
Let me steal this moment from you now.
C'mon, angel, c'mon, c'mon, darling,
Let's exchange the experience, oh..."
And if I only could,
I'd make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
With no problems.
And if I only could,
I'd make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
With no problems.
And if I only could,
I'd make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
With no problems.
If I only could
Be running up that hill
With no problems...
Fade Into Memory
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acidtears
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2008 28 November :: 4.46pm
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: "Year of the Cat" by: Al Stewart
When your eyes turned grey, could it be I made them shine awhile?
I need to get away. I need to get out of this house...soon. I'm tired of being cooped up and bored. I need social interaction other than MSN and Eric on webcam. I try making plans, but it seems lately that something always goes wrong. Tonight, I need to get out of here. Leave for a while. But, I'm not sure how that's going to go. I don't like admitting this really, but, I don't have many friends anymore. I mainly have two. I don't have many others. Kayliegh, and Jess. I used to at least hang out with Aubri during the day, but, since that incident I don't talk to her much. My sister tells me things like "Aubri asked how you are...and she said hi". Whatever. But, I don't have much else to update about. Bye.
-Samm
5 Ghosts |
Fade Into Memory
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acidtears
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2008 18 November :: 2.55pm
:: Music: none
Feeling like remembering
For some reason I smell something that brings up memories. It's the smell of camp fire, and dirt, and marshmallows. It reminds me of camping up north. Those were some fun times. But now, when you go there, it's almost like a ghost town. Trailers are falling apart, old buildings up there are tore down. The jeep we used to ride in is sitting and collecting dust. The fire pits are almost nonexistent. And the place where me, my mom, dad, and siblings used to put our tent is now covered with grass and other things. The last time I went up there was July. It was for Chase's Birthday Party. Which, by the way, was awesome. But it is just so different now. I don't know what triggered the smell or the thought, because it's the middle of November, it's snowing outside, and there are no fires going on anywhere around me. I remember riding quads down the hills to the beach. i remember spending The Fourth of July of there. I remember Grandpa Pyne driving the Jeep to the beach. I remember fireworks, and snakes, and quads, and cold mornings, and learning how to drive a quad for the first time....almost throwing my dad off the back. Things were alot simpler back then. Families were still together, tragedies had not arose yet, and everyone seemed happier. Some of us were divided, but, not so much. I also remember making fun of Angela. Oh god. We picked on her so bad. I remember me and Kayliegh riding around and saying the quad was our ship, which we named "Chips Ahoy". I remember all of the bikes, and the tree forts, and the tarped in area where people did "plays". I remember going tubing with Uncle Jamie and Shanarr fell off the tube. Uncle Jamie kept going on the Boat, just to mess with Shanarr. But, that's all.
Fade Into Memory
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acidtears
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2008 18 November :: 2.43pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: "No matter what" By: T.I.
Great song.
Yeah, I say still i stand
Ay, shawty here i am
hey
(Verse 1)
Never have you seen in ya lifetime
A more divine southern rapper with a swag like mine
Facin all kinda time but smile like I'm fine
Brag with such passion and shine without tryin
Believe me, pains a small thing to a giant
I was born without a dime
Out the gutter I climbed
spoke my mind and didn't stutter one time
Ali said "even the greatest gotta suffer sometimes"
So I huff and puff rhymes
Lyrics so sick wit it
Set the standard in Atlanta how to get get get it
So you up and coming rappers wanna diss, just kill it
I'm officially the realest...point, blank, period
Whether I still live in the hood or just visit
Whatever you can do in the hood I done did it
That's why the dope boys and the misfits feel it
This still his city long as TIP living, listen
(Hook)
I ain't dead (nah) I ain't done(nah)
I ain't scared(of what?), I ain't run(from Who?)
But still I stand (yeah)
No matter what pimpin here I am(Yeah)
No matter What
Remember I ain't break(never), I ain't fold(never)
They hate me more(so?)
Yeah I know(Ha, Ha)
Here I go(Yeah)
No matter what shawty, here I go
No matter what shawty
(Verse 2)
Let the blog sites and the magazines tell it
I'm sure to be in jail till 2027
Rather see me in the cell then
Instead of this new McLaren
God will take you through hell, just to get you to heaven
So even tho it's heavy, the load I will carry
Grin and still bear it, win and still share it
Apologies to the fans, I hope you can understand it
Life can change ya direction, even when you ain't planned it
All you can do it handle it, worst thing you can do is panic
Use it to your advantage, avoid insanity manage
To conquer, every obstacle, make impossible possible
Even when winning illogical, losing still far from optional
And, Yea they wanna see you shot up in the hospital
But, when life throw punches, block and counter like a boxer do
Been locked inside mi casa too long, I did a song
To make it known that the king lives on pimpin
(Hook)
I ain't dead (nah) I ain't done(nah)
I ain't scared(of what?), I ain't run(from Who?)
But still I stand (yeah)
No matter what pimpin here I am(Yeah)
No matter What
Remember I ain't break(never), I ain't fold(never)
They hate me more(so?)
Yeah I know(Ha, Ha)
Here I go(Yeah)
No matter what shawty, here I go
No matter what shawty
(Verse 3)
Even in solitude, there's still no hotter dude
I show you how to do, what you do, you ain't gotta clue
All you do is follow dudes
Sound like a lotta dudes
I'll weather whatever storm
Make it out without a bruise
I understand why, ya'll when my hands tied
They take shots, cause if I'm out there it's a landslide
But revenge is best served as a cold dish
And suckas will get served nigga no shit
Guess it was understood, for me it was over with
But I don't quit, if you ain't noticed yet
They couldn't wait to say goodnight shawty
So they can try to rhyme, act and look like shwaty
Go get a beat from Toomp, and make a hook like shawty
Before ya know it I'm back what it look like shawty
I lost my partner and my daughter in the same year
Somehow I rise above my problems and remain here
Yeah, and I hope the picture painted clear
If your heart filled with faith then you can't fear
Wonder how I face years and I'm still chillin
Easy, let go and let GOD deal with it (Ay!!)
(Hook)
I ain't dead (nah) I ain't done(nah)
I ain't scared(of what?), I ain't run(from Who?)
But still I stand (yeah)
No matter what pimpin here I am(Yeah)
No matter What
Remember I ain't break(never), I ain't fold(never)
They hate me more(so?)
Yeah I know(Ha, Ha)
Here I go(Yeah)
No matter what shawty, here I go
No matter what shawty
Fade Into Memory
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acidtears
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2008 16 November :: 9.46pm
:: Mood: numb
:: Music: "Alright" by: Pilot Speed.
And tonight I lack the strength to even move.
The information given to me last night about Adam and Aubri hurt then, but now it's starting to sink in more. I do have the friends that are telling me not to worry, because he doesn't even like her. No, he has no obligation to me what-so-ever. It's not necessarily him I'm mad at. It's Aubri. We've been "BFF's" since about 6 years ago, and she goes behind my back and fools around with the guy she knows I like. That's a shitty move right there. I would never do something like that to a person I was friends with. I think last night Adam could tell I knew. When I walked past him, he opened is mouth as if to say something to me, and almost reached out and grabbed my arm. I would scoot passed him like he wasn't even there. I would scan the crowded room and pretend I didn't see his face looking at me. I would talk amongst friends like he couldn't hear me. Not talking about him of course. But, just made it seem like "I'm busy, so, don't talk to me". I was relieved when he left finally. I felt like I could finally breathe, and maybe...feel how I really felt. I put on my happy face in front of him and everyone else, but really, it was a lie. I was not happy. I was confused, hurt, betrayed, stabbed in the back, furious, and strangely I was also numb. It was an act. Oh yes, those laughs, smiles, and shy looks were for you. Tried to be like nothing ever happened. Like I said, I'm not really mad at Adam, he has no strings to me. In fact, I don't think he even knew I liked him when it happened. But he does now. I'm upset with Aubri. And she's trying to say that if I want her to stop talking to him, she will. HaHa. What am I?... His girlfriend? No. Yeah, because that's not creepy and something a psycho jealous girl would do. I told her she could talk to him if she wants, I don't give a shit. I'm not going to try to control her actions. I don't want to control her actions. I just wish she wasn't so easy. Chase says I should talk to Adam, but, I have no idea what I would say. "Hey, what's up? Yeah, I like you, do you like me back?". HA! No. A part of me feels like I shouldn't even feel this way about the situation. Oh well. Can't help it.
The rest of the night at Chase's house was pretty good though. It was just me and Kayliegh in the house, until she went to bed. I got online and talked to my good friend Eric. Talked for a couple hours and then I hear a knock on the door. I went out and answered it and it was Brendon. YAY! My male friend that I can vent to, and he actually listens. So we just talked to his friends online, watched funny youtube stuff, watched SuperBad, ate, smoked, and talked the rest of the night. Until my tired ass passed the hell out.
So right now, there's beautiful snow on the roofs of homes and cars. That was the highlight of that night. The snow. It made me feel like something new and better could be starting. And right now, I will put on my mask of contentment, because let's face it, I have family to take care of. And I don't need them wondering what's wrong.
I'm done rambling now. Thanks for reading to those that did.
-Samm d'Massacre.
5 Ghosts |
Fade Into Memory
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acidtears
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2008 16 November :: 3.40pm
:: Music: "I will love you" by: Fisher
music heals
Til my body is dust
til my soul is no more
I will love you, love you
Til the sun starts to cry
and the moon turns to rust
I will love you, love you
But I need to know
will you stay for all time
forever and a day
Then I'll give my heart
'til the end of all time
forever and a day
And I need to know
will you stay for all time
forever and a day
Then I'll give my heart
'til the end of all time
forever and a day
'Til the storms fill my eyes
and we touch the last time
I will love you, love you
I will love you, love you....
I will love you, love you, love you...
Fade Into Memory
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foobz
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2008 15 November :: 5.46pm
i can hear what you're thinkin', all your doubts and fears.
and if you look in my eyes, in time, you'll find the reason i'm here.
in time all things shall pass away.
in time, you may come back some day - to live once more, or die once more.
but in time, your time will be no more.
you know your days are numbered. count 'em one by one
like notches in the handle of an outlaw's gun.
you can outrun the devil - if you try.
but you will never outrun the hands of time.
in time there will surely come a day,
in time all things shall pass away.
in time, you may come back some say.
to live once more, or die once more.
but in time, your time will be no more.
i can hear what you're thinkin'...
mate, it's easy to be angry. but to be angry at the right person, at the right time, for the right reason - that's the real challenge.
love wins.
always.
Fade Into Memory
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acidtears
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2008 14 November :: 3.08pm
:: Mood: contemplative
Ah yes. Teenage Girls Dilemmas.
You haven't called in 2 days. You haven't come over for your usual lunch break hang out. So, I'm only hoping she didn't get inside your head.
Hoping she didn't twist and contort your thoughts on me. She's the kind of girl that lives, breathes, and even ingests drama.
"I can't believe you ditched him! He was hurt and disappointed and upset".....Yes, well, that stung a little bit I have to say. But after I talked to you and you assured me she was blowing smoke out of her ass, I felt a bit better. The burn was gone. I hate it when she says "Well, he didn't say that. But you could tell he was thinking it".
That was last month, but her drama just brings stress and irritability into my world. I don't need anymore of that. My days lately have been waking up early, getting the kids off to school, showering Ava, dressing Ava, getting Ava onto her bus, waking my mom up, getting Ava back off of the bus, watching Ava, cleaning, chores, sometimes I talk to my friends, go to bed, and start the same thing all over again. One reason I loved the movie "Dream Catcher". It brought me a saying for my life. S.S.D.D. Same Shit, Different Day. Love it. Live it.
It seems the only thing that excites me anymore is "Alright" by: Pilot Speed. Yes, sad to say, a song is the thing that excites me most. HaHa.
But, Mom, Doug, and Ava will probably be home soon. I should start on more laundry. Yes, that's me.... House wife in training. HaHa.
-Samm d'Massacre
2 Ghosts |
Fade Into Memory
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acidtears
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2008 12 November :: 11.14pm
:: Mood: amused
I HAVE MOVED!
I am now located at my new journal so my bff Samm d'Massacre can blog it up, Cedar style.
Give her a warm welcome, everyone!
Yeah, I'm done. Over and out, my dear.
So drive yourself insane tonight.
It's not that far away, and I
just filled up your tank earlier today.
[edit :: 3:46am]
Yeah I'm back, and I'm stronger than ever.
I love who I love.
I spend my time doing things I enjoy.
I 'waste my gas' driving around the places I like.
I laugh at things I find funny, offensive to you or not.
I hurt your feelings because I'm honest and I don't believe in sugarcoating anything.
Yes, sometimes I antagonize and push. I have my moods. So do you.
But! UNLIKE YOU, I'm carrying out my life in the aftermath of the decisions I made, not anyone else. My morals were chiseled in me from tried-and-learned experiences in my actual life, not handed down to me from my grandparents' bible.
Fuck you for almost making me believe I was less of a person for it.
Does it really matter what kind of vodka I drink - or that I drink at all? No. And yeah, I smoke, so fucking what? At least I can sleep in the bed I've made for myself, wake up every morning and be content with the life that greets me.
My parents don't love me based on what I choose to show them and what I keep hidden away under my bed so's not to 'disappoint.' No, my dad knows about my (gasp!) premarital sex and pregnancies. My mom can come sit on the porch with me and talk about our days over a cigarette. My grandparents have seen every tattoo on my body, and my little sisters aren't surprised at anything I say.
I don't keep secrets and my honest thoughts are the first in my mouth and through my barely-parted lips.
My family and (true) friends love me not because I'm perfect, but because I'm real.
At first I was going to abstain from all social websites, but decided to keep my woohu and facebook. However, MySpace, Trig, ModelMayhem, etc - are all dead and ground into the dust.
So the bitches with the drama can get a new hobby, because I'm perfectly content to manage my life without he-said-she-said.
Thanks.
* ps, I apologize if this lacks my usual prowess with words and prose. I'm better but STILL (a bit) bitter and so am ranting with my fingertips. Who the hell am I kidding? You guys understand ;]
5 Ghosts |
Fade Into Memory
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foobz
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2008 12 November :: 1.41pm
:: Mood: bouncy
:: Music: fall out boy - i don't care
but in the alley, it ain't that cheap.
i hate drama, but i hate having to be one of the stand-bys of a dramatic situation. it's nearly impossible to stay friends with both parties. i'm trying though. it's even more difficult when one won't tell you where they're gonna be that week and the other refuses to give you a means of communication with them.
i know how upset YOU are. i know how sorry YOU are. i'm just not allowed to open my mouth about it to the other person. wtf. i'm going insane.
oh and now i can't get ahold of either of these fuckers.
i swear they say one thing and turn around and change their minds within 5 sec. but i'd honestly rather deal with him than her now. sounds shitty to say but it's true and i have my reasons and you'll never know them.
unless you ask. in which case i'll tell you no. or yes. but probably no.
it's one of those situations where you know they love each other more than anything and you just KNOW you're supposed to be crashing the afterparty of their wedding, but they're both the most stubborn people i know. ever in the whole world. i've never seen either person more pathetic and fucked up when they are away from the other. but do they see any of this? nope.
they won't ever get over each other and will probably drink themselves into oblivion because neither of them can man-up and say what they need to.
OMG
2 Ghosts |
Fade Into Memory
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foobz
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2008 10 November :: 8.44pm
it's all just part of the fairytale
i hate the people i live with and i'm pretty sure the people i want to live with just might hate me.
in other news, my knees feel like they are breaking.
back to you!
the weather is forecasted to be really dramatic with showers of china, glass, and peoples hurt feelings. dress appropriately.
also give your vehicle ample time to warm in the mornings
i hate responsibility
but love being cryptic
Fade Into Memory
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xjayk
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2008 3 October :: 9.40pm
Stoaked!
Tattoo on Sunday! Maybe a peircing it all depends on what Jeff wants to do. Thads getting a sleeve and I'm contimplating where I want to get mine, I'm getting four more so I'm trying to figure out where to put them. :D
I want to hang out with my friends but no ones called me. Lame. I wanted also to get ahold of Hill but I think she's at work right now so that's also crossed off the list. I think I'm going to cut this short because my computers about to die but yes.
Fade Into Memory
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xjayk
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2008 24 September :: 11.34am
Its been some time now hasn't it?
I've been working alot, not only at Meijer (that of which I quit earlier but I'll get into that more later) but also school, floral shop, and in and out of hospitals. Yeah that damn H word again.
I guess I'll start from the top that way it only makes sence. :D
I began working at Meijer durring the summer working about 40 - 50 hours a week which was fine, it was summer after all and I needed the cash. Things went well there and then school came up after working the same amount of hours and school it just didn't pan out so I asked if they could cut my hours which they did, not by much and I could hardly tell the difference but I was also realizing my body wasn't acting right. At first I thought the extreame pain was due to exhausten thinking that I may have overworked myself so I went to the doctor when he told me it wasn't that and put me on Darvocet. The darv. did nothing for the pain and it began to get worse and worse until it would leave me in pure agony, I couldn't move or stay still without being in pain so I returned to the doctor. Apparently, the pain I've been dealing with is more than likely endometreosis, but they wont know for sure until I undergo the surgery. Until then its 1000mg of vicodin every 4 hours and hopefully they'll be able to do something about it. Then it was time for work so I walked up to my manager and explained everything that was going on hoping she would be sympathetic and understand when I say I'm in pain I mean it. She said she understood but last night while I was working I was in such extreame mounts of pain that my vision was impared and I begged her to find a replacement she said no and to take a 15min break, so I did and when I returned to work I dropped. Straight to my knees shaking and she walked right passed me. I called my dad telling him to help and when he showed up to help me I had already put in my two week notice. There was no way I could work like that anymore. No, I can't sit there and take someone ripping out my uterus durring work and then someone try to tell me I'm 'overdramatizing everything.' Sure lady.
So I'm almost done with that place and I'm glad but what can I do you know?
I'm not sure if that made much sence but whateve.
Fade Into Memory
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pop-tart
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2008 4 September :: 11.08pm
Girls night
Sooo girls night with Mel was awesome.
We got married...
and had a love child...
Coors MacIce... Coors after what we were drinking, "Mac" after the dinner I made her (mac and cheese), and Ice after the ice cream we ran to the store and bought.
We talked about hanging out tomorrow so Beaver will just have to deal. :D
2 Ghosts |
Fade Into Memory
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