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koalalady

:: 2017 28 June :: 3.10pm
:: Music: Kygo

I used to know exactly what I needed. There was a time when I could wake up, walk outside, and feel what my body and my mind were craving. Now it's harder to tell. Now my instincts are less sure-footed.

But, in a lot of ways, I did get what I wanted. I got out of Cedar. I got to disappear. I got away from the people and the culture and the religion that I didn't really like that much. Despite my constant anxiety about being a "failure" who "everybody hates," I am a working artist. I am, quite objectively, making it.

BUT I WANT TO BE MAKING IT...MORE.

love me.


koalalady

:: 2017 15 June :: 11.52pm

Goddamnit, the episode with Fry's mom in Futurama gets me every time. *sniff, sniff*

love me.


koalalady

:: 2017 10 June :: 12.11pm
:: Mood: pensive

On Getting What You Want Out of Life
I have a habit of working myself all up to want something...really want something...and when I finally knock on the door of opportunity...I knock just once. Ba-dump bump, it's me, any room in the inn? and if it doesn't open, I turn away, go sit down, and remain motionless for years at a time.

I do not recommend this strategy.

love me.


koalalady

:: 2017 8 June :: 12.31pm

"I'm not going to sit here and try to interpret the President's tweets."

love me.


koalalady

:: 2017 25 April :: 11.14am

I need more Shakespeare in my life. Miss that quirky dude.

love me.


koalalady

:: 2017 11 April :: 10.13am
:: Mood: relieved
:: Music: general funk

Finally.
Another door shut. Another tangent I don't have to explore. The older I get, the less pressure I feel to twist myself into all these unnatural pretzel shapes. The less I feel the need to change to fit the image I see in my head, or to meet the expectations of others. Overall it's a good thing, but at the same time I'm left with more questions: If my path isn't being defined by the authorities in my life, by the institutions that I once looked up to, then it's all up to me. And what do I want it to look like?

Do I want to get married? To be somebody's wife? Is that something I ever really wanted?

I wish now more than ever that I hadn't shut you out. You believed in me, never mocked me for what I liked. What would you have said to me when I was ten years old?

What am I doing here?

love me.


koalalady

:: 2017 8 April :: 9.21am
:: Mood: rejuvenated
:: Music: #WDSworkshop

Jokes
How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. They have a machine that does that now.

How many bassists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. The pianist can do it with her left hand.

How many lead female vocalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one: she holds it up with one hand while the world revolves around the screw base.

love me.


koalalady

:: 2017 3 April :: 8.34am
:: Mood: giddy
:: Music: Moby

Did my taxes yesterday, all by myself (S helped a little when I broke down in tears of frustration doing the Ohio IT BUS form). Overpaid by about a grand and a half. I'm so relieved.

love me.


koalalady

:: 2017 27 March :: 5.41pm
:: Mood: okay
:: Music: Enigma

Considering getting into oil painting...but I definitely need to do my taxes first.

love me.


koalalady

:: 2017 17 March :: 9.23pm
:: Mood: grateful
:: Music: Deux Arabesques (I), Debussy

Changes
Today was really, really good. The whole week was, actually. I'm working in the studio now - I had a student today. I feel bad that I haven't practiced much in my Gershwin. BUT, I have been drilling my shit. Had to double-check stuff like augmented chords and melodic minors scale fingerings. It's been good refreshing my own memory as I'm starting to tread those old neuropathways again.

Teaching is interesting. I never thought I would like it, but it's actually been pretty cool so far. The studio is a really positive environment and there's a lot of talent in the community to build upon. Like, I can actually say I have a career in music now. Working artist, I can live with that.

It feels sudden and new, like we just moved here all over again. I can't wait for spring to turn into summer, when we can open up the doors again and have breakfast on the balcony. Not that I can't go out there without perpetually being afraid of the bees. But still. I have regained sureness that I did the right thing. It's a good feeling, knowing you were right all along about following your own advice. Ha...if you're as into mental masturbation as I am, apparently.

love me.


koalalady

:: 2017 22 February :: 9.47pm
:: Music: Mad Men

Finally.
Fuck me. Life is AWESOME again!!! Woohoo!!!!

1 <3 | love me.


koalalady

:: 2017 21 February :: 10.36pm
:: Mood: excited
:: Music: beach house mix tape

Aaaand just like that, I have a new part-time job playing music every week. My piano teacher also invited me to apply to actually teach lessons (!!!) at the studio because they are opening up a second location! Sooo today I redid my resume and submitted for that as well. What an awesome week. PLUS I randomly got a bonus last week at my actual job for doing some extra work on a project, so that's cool.

Yeah. Damn. Can't believe how high things are actually looking up.

love me.

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