Fuck you if you dont like hearing me complain cause I'm gonna do it.

Everything sucks..(I sound emo now..fuck it). I am sad and its all coming out as anger and I can't help it.

I see a physcologist again..for my family again. What else??!
I'm getting a C or lower in 5 out of 7 of my classes and I don't feel like at this point I'll ever do any better. People around me are hurting and its affecting me. I can't help that either. I'm like a sponge or something..no a train. Welcome aboard Marilyn's train of fucked-upness. I hope you enjoy your ride. Don't forget to bring all your baggage and dump it on her. I'm not complaining about listening to other people's problems because I love to be there for people if they need it but I just feel so worn down sometimes. I need a hug.

Nothing is going well..my parents are still alcoholics..my grades as you know are in the fucking toilet and I'm getting flack for that. I feel helpless. Nothing I do will make anything any better so why try?! I'll tell you why--I'm a fucked up dumbass. Thats why. I hate it. You might say "Well why are you doing so bad in school. Just study more". I try that. I try to study. I really really do! Everytime I do I get distracted. In the afternoons when I get home from school I want to relax and enjoy my time alone before my parents get home and start their drinking. THen I go to my refuge- the computer because Itunes is on it. I turn it up loud enough for me not to hear the ice going into the glass and try to study but I always hear it! I always fucking hear it. Then I go on AIM to distract myself. It helps. So my homework is forgotten about and my studying is put in the back of my brain. Damn it. I want to succeed because thats my ticket out of this horrible place but its so hard to do well. You may wonder why it wasnt like this last year..I wondered that myself until I figured out that last year I didn't need to study. I could absorb enough during class to get decent grades. THis year I can't and studying doesnt come easy so what do I do? I need more discipline I suppose.

Anyway. things this year are just worse. Hopefully 2006 will be good. I doubt it.

I was thinking..I hope I die young. I think dieing when I'm 45 will be good. Or younger.. No older than 50 though. I dont want to see everyone else around me die and I don't wanna stay on Earth because things suck.. If I'm not married or if I dont have any kids I would like to die when I'm 35. I dont want to look all terrible in the casket.
I'm getting really tired but I dont think I'll be able to sleep a lot tonight. I guess I'll be going then.

bitchy girl
Hiya..
My sister just imed me and i wanted to complain about her but I dont wanna bother anyone else that I'm talking to cause I must say it is boring.

So we got in a fight when she came home for James Patrick's baptism and I decided to block her. I actually hadnt talked to her in like 8 days which was really really nice. Refreshing. I love my sisters but she wears on me so much. Everytime she says anything to me I just wanna say the first thing that I think of which is usually the meanest. Damn though. Shes so terrible. Shes smacks me and verbally abuses me. I just wanna pound her fucking ass in. Yea so shes complaining about some stupid ass bitchy guy right now. Shes a dumbass..saying how ugly and rude he is. Maybe she should look in the fucking mirror and see how ugly not only her physical appearence is but also how ugly her personality is.

Ok something else that was bothering me. Fucking ass shitty parents.. Doesnt everyone say that when theyre a teenager?
My sister informed me they've resorted to sneaking drinks now because we confronted them about being alcoholics. Goddamn those bitches! why cant they just not drink?! WHY THE FUCK ARE THEY SO SELFISH?!

Ok so in drama we've been doing these things where the people go up to the front and talk about their lives and stuff. I'm learning quite a bit and I'm really really glad Mr. McCaw decided to do it cause now I'm realizing though things in my life do suck quite a bit..everyone has issues too. I should really open my eyes a bit more. Now I feel like a self centered bitch cause I didnt bother to look around and see all the other people with problems. I guess we all have our own types and some are worse than other but I was a real big stupid ass for feeling like mine were the worst. Yea dude. Theyre not. People have told me before but I wanted to live in a cloud and wallow in self misery. To be honest I'd still like that.

Yea lets see..I dunno. Oh yea. Giants suck ass. Snow is going to be gone next season. The Giants wont make it to the playoffs. They will die tonight. Actually in about an hour and half their season will be over and I will cry and pray J.T. Snow goes to a team nearby so I can watch him sometimes. I will cry when he goes because he is so talented and I'll feel bad for him.

Ok Bye dudes.

YOOOOOOO! I'M PRETTY BORED SO I THOUGHT I'D UPDATE!

I need to run...I've been feeling really lazy lately. I ran a mile last week on Tuesday but then I get so bored I just give up after that cause the T.V is way more interesting than the radio and the hot ass garage.

Anyway, I went to Disneyland over the weekend. Tons of hot dudes. I'm serious..there was like 20 every 5 feet I walked. I was in line for one of the rides (Tower of Terror which is fucking insane but very very good) and there was this guy who was like 15 or 16 and his hair was spiked and pretty short just the way i like it and he was a skater which of course is very nice and he was just so good but I was sorta sneaking glances at him and one of the times he looked right at me and I was embarrassed...oh well. Then I we went into the elevator and there was this freaking super hot guy in there and I stepped on my moms toe when we were getting in it and then she said "hey. you stepped on my toe" and i know it sounds stupid but I was kind of embarrassed especially when my sister said like a dumbass "oh who cares mom its just your toe" cause she always says stupid stuff. So I was embarrassed by my stupid ass family again.

Other stuff in L.A we had to share a hotel room with my dad. Not fuckign cool. He snores so loud its a mirace to get any sleep but I was so exhausted that I got a few hours. Not too bad.

Lets see..My sister was an ass during that trip but thats cool cause shes leaving for college a little while.

Lets see...I've got so much freaking homework. It sucks ass. I'm kinda getting excited about school a bit cause i get to see a lot of people I've missed over the summer. Yea..but the school and learning aspect sucks butt like I've already said. I'm still afraid of walking into the wrong classroom cause the numbers on the doors. I'm afraid I'll miss the right room and walk into the door next to it. Scary thoughts dude.

Lets see...My sisters are both leaving. Maureen is going to Sacramento and Michelle back to Mt. Shasta. I'M SO HAPPY! Finally my room will be all mine again and it will be quieter and I'll have things to myself. Thats the really big disadvantage of a big family- you never get your own stuff cause someone else is always stealing it or wrecking it or something. Not cool. .But its nice cause youre never lonely which can also be a bad thing but not usually. I'm gonna miss fighting with Maureen..we have some fucking awesome fights. Especially that one that I almost beat her at except I started crying. Oh well.

I'M BORED DUDE AND ITS 10:25 AND I'M FUCKING HYPER. I GOTTA GET GOING CAUSE I'M WRITING REALLY STUPIND SHIT IN HERE.

I just read Jessica's journal and it made me quite sad so I thought I'd write in here.

Yesterday I went to my grandma Coyote's house with my sister and then my dad and mom met us there cause the air conditioning guy needed to come and give us an estimate.

While we were waiting my grandma called me and I followed her into her room (which I've never been in). Her room is still decorated like it was back in the 50's and I think her mattress must be from the '30's cause I put my hand on it and it was like a rock. Anyway, she dug her old Notre Dame yearbook out of this cedar hope chest she's had since she got married or maybe before that. I was looking through it.. very strange. All the girls had bobs and stuff and everything was so formal. Even the comments people wrote in the back were things like "I had a most wonderful year, Leanore." and then they'd sign their name. Then that made me think.."WOuld I want my grand kids someday to read the comments in my yearbooks?" Probably not.

Anyway, thats not the reason I wanted to write in here. My dad came a little after we got the yearbook out and then he went into the hallway and stood outside the door to my grandpa's den. Last time I looked in the den it freaked me out cause everything was the same as it was before he died. I opened the closet and there were guns and I found his old Greyhound uniform and a bunch of bullets in various drawers so I felt like he was still in the room. Needless to say I left and I told my dad I wanted to go back in there with him cause he's not afraid of the room and he said that grandpa wouldn't have been mad at me for going in there but oh well. So I went back into the room and showed dad the things that creeped me out last time and I learned the 3 of the guns were his so that wasn't as bad as I first though. Then I opened the 3rd drawer in his desk and found 2 pictures, one of a man and then one of a woman who were my great grandparents. The picture of my great grandpa made me cry for some reason. My dad refers to him as "The Bastard" because he left my grandpa and all his siblings and mothers to fend for themselves because he didn't want the responsibility. I suppose I should hate him too but I never knew him so who's to say he didn't have a good reason for leaving? Anyway, my great grandpa was so handsome and my great grandma was so pretty. FOr some reason thinking that I could be their decendant made me cry even harder. My great grandpa looked like the typical scottish man--high jaw, dark eyes, long skinny face. He looked tough like if you messed with him he'd beat your ass in. Theres a scene in Titanic where they're below decks with all the 3rd class people that are having a party. Thats sorta what I imagine my great grandpa doing. Wow..I've gone on about him for a while. Sorry bout that.

Jeeze...dead people fascinate me. That sounds so weird and disgusting but they really do. I want to figure out what life was like for them. How they acted and talked in public. How they wrote even just casual letters. Why they did everything they did. I also found a picture of great great grandma named Julianne Scully. It was a profile picture but it looked like she was also pretty beautiful.

I better get going.

Dude its fucking pissing me off how the Giants dont appreciate Snow. He is the best fucking first baseman to ever play for the giants and they dont treat him with the respect he deserves. He deserves to be the every day starter and he deserves higher pay than what hes getting. Every fucking time I think hes got the starting role they find some shitty ass rookie who tries to take his fucking place and does for a few months and then they put him in occasionally. Its not fucking right. He's been there for the Giants whenever they fucking needed him and what does he get for it?? ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING! Lance Niekro the bitch who only got to the major leagues because of his name is trying to take his spot. Hes batting better than Snow right now but lets face reality- Snow has more experience and knows how to play his position. The bitchy ass Niekro was a fucking 3rd baseman before but they converted him to first base because they already have a back up 3rd baseman. Fuck that. Turn him into a fucking pitcher cause thats what the fucking giants need right now. They've got a solid first baseman..why the hell can't they leave it alone??! OH my fucking god. It just makes me so mad because Snow deserves more respect than hes getting and the managment is so fucking money hungry they don't care how the hell team goes. I bet Lance Niekro's dad went in there and paid some money to get him to start everyday. So fucked up! IT FUCKING PISSES ME OFF! Today Niekro hurt his left big toe. I hope he fucking broke it and can't play for a few weeks. With Snows luck it will be a minor bruise and be gone in 2 days and Snow will face his fucking assignment of being the most talented first baseman ever to be benched. I dont fucking give a shit if that didnt make any sense cause in my head it did and its not like anyone would fucking read this cause no one cares about baseball these days except for dudes that have brains! FUCKING GIANTS MANAGMENT SHOULD FUCKING ROT IN HELL! I think i must have written that a million times in different places. These are Snow's quotes about this whole fucked up situation: "He said 'they' -- whoever that is -- want to see if Lance can play every day," Snow said. "He'll get a lot of playing time this trip. But I'm just a player and I don't make decisions. If I'm in the lineup, I play." "It seems like an annual thing with me," he said. "That's just the way it goes. I hope for nothing but the best for Lance. He's going to be a good player. I'll root the team on the best I can."

Hes such a great player. If I was on his team I would fucking wash his nasty socks for him and shine his cleats after every game just to show him how much I appreciate his attitude and his talent. Those quotes show how well he deals with all the fucking shit that the Giants put him through. I bet when he talks to his wife on the phone he yells and says all the shit that I've said except different cause its happening to him. Hes just really good with the press cause he knows whatever he says goes in the papers or on the internet and then the managment reads it. I gotta pray for Snow. I know that if you pray for bad things to happen to other people they never do so I wont try that. IF ANYONE WHO BELIEVES IN ANY SORT OF GOD READS THIS PLEASE PRAY THAT SNOW WILL PLAY MORE!

Ok...I'm done...for now. I might be back later to complain about this again.
Oh yea..Foppert played today. hes cool. I like him

Hey dudes..
Just something that was bothering me that I'd like to write about: Well its not bothering me but its an interesting thought I had.

I wish that I could live on the east coast cause out here in California we are one of the last time zones on earth and I'd like to see what it feels like to be over there and know that when your getting up people on the west coast are sleeping comfortably or that when your just going to bed people on the west coast are eating dinner. I've been to the east coast but I guess I never thought of it until now. All this talking to English people has really got me thinking of time zones now and I obsess over it. Throughout the day I sit there and say "Well..its 2 pm here so its...10 pm in England right now." I'm crazy!

Anyway, I just got sidetracked with homework and stuff. I had a strange moment. I was working on my math homework which was kinda boring me like it always does and then I felt like my brain wasnt working hard enough so I had to look up other stuff on the internet. I decided to look up the Golden Gate Bridge (Dont ask why! I LOVE THAT BRIDGE I WISH IT COULD BE IN MY BACKYARD) and then the perfect song came on but thats not my point. So as I was looking at it I realized that I'm freaking in love with San Francisco. I mean...really really in love it. ITS SO STINKING PRETTY AND UNIQUE IF YOU HATE IT YOURE A DUMBASS WHO OBVIOUSLY HASN'T EVER BEEN THERE! Its just funny cause I always say how much I wanna move to the U.K and stuff but really I would miss it here. I'd miss being a 40 minutes drive from San Francisco. What sane person wouldnt miss it? Unless of course they got in a car accident on the bay or golden gate bridge and came a few feet away from falling off the edge into the icy water. I could understand that. Or maybe they came on the one day in like 50 years that there was a big earthquake. That also I could understand. It bugs me how people are paranoid of earthquakes. MY GOODNESS PEOPLE! THEY HARDLY EVER HAPPEN STOP GETTING ALL WORKED UP ABOUT HOW BAD THEY ARE! I think I'm going to die in an earthquake. I actually wouldn't mind it. Earthquakes are great and they are so unexpected. If you got killed in a tornado you would know it was coming unless you are blind and deaf person. Tornados are scary. They kill thousands of people in like 3 months of tornados every year no matter what. Earthquakes kill thousands of people on one day or maybe 2 with after shocks and stuff and then thats it for several years. HMM...WHICH ONE DO YOU PICK? Yea I know I'm preaching to the choir here because Jessica is the only one that reads this and on occasion a few other people but I felt like getting my view on earthquakes across.

Ok back to the San Francisco part. (I really think its nearly impossible for me to get tired of talking about it. YAHAHAHAHA!) I was looking it up on the internet tourism sites when I was supposed to be finding stuff about Portugal. I found it funny what they tell you to do. "The Golden Gate is a must see!" Duh.. You dont need a tour book or website to tell you that. "Golden Gate park is beautiful and full of special plants! Visit Chinatown, ITS HUGE!" or.."Grace Cathedral is a large and pretty church that had cool looking stained glass windows." I wonder why they don't have any of the really good stuff in there. You have to go see the stuff they tell you to go see in those books and stuff but you should also see the stuff they don't mention. So many wonderful things tourists miss out on. If I go to New York City I would want to see all the stuff that people who live there get to see. I know the only way to do that is to spend some serious time there though because no one will tell you about it. Someday I'd like to make a tourist book that doesn't just have the shitty regular stuff to go see. I would include things that the locals get to see. Although...that might piss the locals off..hmm. OH well. Everyone should get to see the cool things hiding in cities.

I'M SO TIRED! Bye

Hey guys. YOU KNOW WHAT! I SAY "HEY" TOO MUCH NOW! arg..I gotta stop that.

Ok I really really can't stand braggarts. My goodness. Shut up about how great you are and show us. If you have to brag about it then youre probably lieing. I love compliments. NOT FOR ME! I love to give them. I think that compliments are the best thing a person can get. Braggarts never get compliments. Not genuine ones at least. THis is because they are constantly fishing for compliments so if they do get some they are fake. People compliment them to make them shut up.

People these days really piss me off. In fact...the way things are today piss me off in general. Dont get me wrong. I like being alive but I hate the way people are now. So many rude people. Everyone has issues (including me) but we make such a big deal out of them. Maybe the reason your kid is so mean and violent because you dont know how to discipline them. Maybe its your fucking fault. No no no. Its always they need medication. Today, medication solves everything. There is a medication for just about anything you "have". If you cant sit still we'll put you on 5 medications that will cause you to become a zombie but at least youre "dealt" with and no one has to worry about you. Fuck that. Fuck all these medications and shitty ass things doctors have come up with. "Oh no! My kid sneezed! Doctor do something! SHES NOT SUPPOSED TO SNEEZE!!!!" and then the doctor puts the kid on some antibiotic cause the mother is such an over protective bitch who cant let her kid sneeze.

Another thing. (I need to sepertate this even though this probably isnt a new paragraph spot.) Do you know how many things there are for babies? How many toys and clean up things and protective shit? HOLY FUCKING COW! Whatever happened to letting a kid roll on a blanket outside with some stuffed animals? NO fucking way. First) you cant let your kid outside cause they will get a disease. Second) Stuffed animals don't allow a kids brain to develop correctly because they will get bored. Well, parents and doctors, maybe if they are bored when they are babies all the education in school will be interesting and they will put effort into their learning because all this new crap is so darn exciting! PEOPLE ARE SO STUPID! Children today are fat and stupid. Back in the days before all these new brain developing toys were invented, kids were smart. They succeeded. They tried and they became the great leaders of our country. Maybe we should take a look at what they were doing and go back to that style of raising children. We might actually be able to save the kids of today and tomorrow. FUCK ALL THE STUPID DOCTORS AND THEIR THEORIES BECAUSE THEY ARE SCREWING THE NATIONS CHILDREN INTO THE GROUND. WE ARE CREATING A GENERATION OF LAZY CHILDREN WITH NO INSPIRATION TO DO WELL.

Yea ok. Nice to get those things off my chest..
bye