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I don't hold my breath, and I don't hold my tongue.

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:: 2016 8 November :: 1.38am

31, another bright eyes birthday alone.



:: 2016 7 November :: 10.48pm
:: Music: bright eyes

last post as a 30 year old.



:: 2016 5 November :: 12.49am
:: Mood: whoa, dude...
:: Music: the wallflowers

since last we met
yo. i'm still here.

I suppose a lot has happened in 2016 up to this point, and I should probably catch you up.

I didn't wind up getting that house. I did wind up getting out of my parents' basement. I was very fortunate to find an awesome roommate on craigslist. She owns her own home, and I rent the back bedroom. The price is right. We have fun. We eat food and watch tv and shit. I got super lucky to find this place, and appreciate that I get to live here. I didn't realize how much it bothered me living at dad's until I got out and felt this immense weight lifted off of my chest. That's not to say it's always sunshine and rainbows and shit here... but it's a lot better. I'm much more relaxed. More comfortable being myself. It took a few months being here to allow myself to ease into it. It's a good fit, for right now. It won't be forever, but it's nice to not be in a hurry to go anywhere. And she's not in a hurry to get me out of here, which is also nice.

I'm still single. Cold and alone, forever probably maybe. I still vascillate rapidly between deeply longing to be in a relationship and realizing that bachelorhood and freedom is actually pretty fucking rad. I mostly just want something warm to cuddle with. Maybe I should get a dog. I did do the 20-10-5 thing.

*spends half an hour looking for it*

... and now I can't remember what I did with it. I may have thrown it out. the big takeaway I can recall from it is that I'm shallower than I'd like to believe. I wanted to think that a sense of humor or intellectual stimulation would be the most important - and they were important, they definitely made the list of 20 (it was actually really hard to think of 20 things without being redundant) - but if you boil it down ... i have to be attracted to the person physically. have to. don't much care if anyone else thinks they're hot, but I damn well better think so. Otherwise there's no point to the rest of it. I wanted to think that I'm above all that physical superficiality, but apparently i'm not.

i have a "new" (year-old) lunchbag. it is gigantic and awesome. kathy got it for me. after all that bitching i did about her, she buys the best gifts. and i am an asshole. but the zipper works great

I still don't eat very healthy or exercise much. however i recently quit smoking tobacco. it's only been 11 days, so it's still a little premature to call it quits for good, officially, but this is the longest stretch of time i've gone without nicotine in my bloodstream in 10 years. it's kind of a big deal.

also, i bought myself a drum set:

I've been banging on that thing quite a bit lately.

like - all the freaking time. which is awesome.

i also built a drum. it's purdy:

It's at dad's house. I gave it to him because i wasn't crazy about how it sounded, and he didn't have a wood snare. he likes it, so i'm glad it worked out and found a good home. i probably would've warmed up to it over time. it didn't sound bad ... just not how i expected/hoped.

prior to that, i built a bookshelf and a nightstand for my bedroom. they turned out well. oak plywood is fucking expensive as balls. but it looks nice, and is rock solid. glued and screwed together. sanded and polyurethaned. should last a good long while. not perfect, but suitable for my needs.

I did wind up getting that 'promotion' at work. so now i have my own office, a company phone, and a slight (very slight) pay increase. it's a lot more responsibility - i'm running quality control for our entire plant - but it's not terrible all the time. i show up, do stuff, go home, and at the end of the week they deposit money in my bank account. it's a thing.

the basement audio lab has been put on hiatus for the time being. the other guys got busy with life and work and stuff and were unable to commit the time and energy they felt was necessary to continue the project. i can respect that they didn't want to half-ass it. and if things slow down, we'll pick it back up again.

in the meantime, i'm starting on a new project with different people. we will see what happens, but at least i'm still playing. there wasn't even that much down time, and i didn't have to go out looking for something, it came to me. so hopefully that's an indication that i'm supposed to be doing it. we don't have anything online yet.

Here's where the basement audio lab left off, if you'd like to hear what things sounded like right before we hit pause:


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:: 2016 27 October :: 3.50am
:: Music: iamx

it breaks my heart that we live this way
how is it october already? it's almost november, i feel like my last shitty birthday happened a lot more recently. i dont know.

i don't feel like i'm progressing in life at all. i've just acquired more things.



:: 2016 27 October :: 3.41am
:: Music: iamx - s.h.e.

forget FORGET with a secret harmonic emotion
just dreaming again.



:: 2016 18 October :: 2.16am

i recognized your off-white lies, but still i lied beside you and that's what really hurts.



:: 2016 18 October :: 1.45am

i lost you a long time ago
I ordered the Schiit Jotunheim and a balanced headphone cable on ebay. I ordered a phono preamp for my turntable set up and a record clamp/weight. I think I finally caught the unicorn.

I'm just going to sit back and enjoy the music now.

I wish I had someone to enjoy it with.

Even when I did, she never really cared.



:: 2016 16 October :: 11.58am

mom went home, just me and conor again.



:: 2016 13 October :: 8.09pm

i'm so tired of being sad all the time i really just want to be happy and cheerful and have something just work out and be genuine.



:: 2016 26 September :: 8.29pm

Your pain is not love, can't you see he's the heartless and you're one of a kind?

I'm in Kansas City at the iamx show. This venue is SO SMALL.



:: 2016 26 September :: 3.42am
:: Music: morrissey

i'm going to kansas city tomorrow to see IAMX.



:: 2016 26 September :: 2.22am

the world is just becoming more and more awful and i'm depressed.



:: 2016 18 September :: 1.22am
:: Music: iamx metanoia addendum

just sitting here playing hearthstone listening to my little music in my house. i bought the kara expansion so i'm trying to beat it tonight. i've been sleeping in my natural sleep pattern again, up until 3-5am based on level of boredom and sleeping right until i have to get up for work.

this is about to go friends only (again), if you read, don't be shy and comment so i can add you.


beat it!

1 comment | [x]


:: 2016 22 August :: 5.33pm

I don't feel like adulting today.



:: 2016 22 April :: 12.14pm

Today marks one month since the accident. I am finally feeling relief after going to the chiropractor. I am still recovering though. Occasionally I have brain fog, or things get fuzzy and I have a hard time focusing. Everyday I am even more grateful that my baby was unharmed in the accident. Last week was the first time that she had even asked questions about the accident. I knew it was going to happen, and I didn't press her after the accident because I was waiting for her to be ready. After the accident she asked what happened one time. And it was literally the first thing out of her mouth after we stopped. From that point on, all she would say was "I hate that lady's car for hitting us. She's a bad driver. I hate her driving". I would always reassure her that the only thing that mattered was that we were okay. I have been trying hard to not harbor anger over the whole ordeal. I am pissed that she wrecked my car. I am pissed that I am still recovering. But the fact that even after all that, my child is okay, makes me not want to hang onto those feelings of anger or hatred. Reagan could have been killed, or severely injured. She could have had cuts ALL over her body from all the glass. She could have been covered in glass, but for some reason she wasn't.


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