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2008 20 November :: 5.52pm
:: Mood: distressed
:: Music: Same Mistake - James Blunt
I can't seem to get away.
I have been trying and trying, trying so goddamn hard to get away from the truth that I fear.
I don't want to go to the doctor, I don't want to talk to a psychiatrist again. Last time I did that I got medication that only helped for a month or two. I don't think depression is my problem, and it's scary.
I don't want to know what it is that I've got, because I fear what I have. I have for years. Since everything has happened, and all of these things I notice, I just.. I am scared of myself.
I really am. I don't know what will happen if I let it go again. I don't want to know.
I'm trying to get the nerve to go in, and not for me. Definitely not for me, because if it were up to me I'd let it go until it got too bad. I want to do this because I don't want my relationships to get any more strained, and hard to keep together. It's become hard for me to keep them going. Even with my family. But the one's I care about most right now are Alicia and Shane. My family will always be there to a point, and that is good enough support for me.
My god, I feel so selfish. I've done this over and over again.
Something has to work.
--
I saw the world turning in my sheets, and once again I cannot sleep.
Walk out the door and up the street; look at the stars beneath my feet.
Remember rights that I did wrong, so here I go..
Hello, hello. There is no place I cannot go.
--
My mind is muddy, but my heart is heavy. Does it show?
I lose the track that loses me, so here I go.
And so I sent some men to fight, and one came back at dead of night.
Said he'd seen my enemy. Said he looked just like me,
So I set out to cut myself and here I go..
--
And maybe someday we will meet,
And maybe talk and not just speak.
Don't buy the promises because there are no promises I keep.
And my reflection troubles me, so here I go.
--
I'm not calling for a second chance,
I'm screaming at the top of my voice.
Give me reason, but don't give me choice.
Because I'll just make the same mistake again.
--
1 comment |
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skife
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2008 20 November :: 4.15am
I played to much rockband and i now have aqualung by jethro tull stuck in my head.
3 comments |
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losrnancr
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2008 19 November :: 12.15pm
im moving
where?
two weeks away.
two weeks away, where is that?
it's everywhere i will be after i walk for two weeks i have lived in the same place for a long time. it is time for me to go someplace else.
no you have only lived next door for 15 years
16
56, what's the difference? i want you to stay next door forever
i do not want to wake up in the same old bed and eat breakfast in the same old kitchen. every room in my house is the same old room 'cause i have been there too long.
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acidtears
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2008 18 November :: 2.55pm
:: Music: none
Feeling like remembering
For some reason I smell something that brings up memories. It's the smell of camp fire, and dirt, and marshmallows. It reminds me of camping up north. Those were some fun times. But now, when you go there, it's almost like a ghost town. Trailers are falling apart, old buildings up there are tore down. The jeep we used to ride in is sitting and collecting dust. The fire pits are almost nonexistent. And the place where me, my mom, dad, and siblings used to put our tent is now covered with grass and other things. The last time I went up there was July. It was for Chase's Birthday Party. Which, by the way, was awesome. But it is just so different now. I don't know what triggered the smell or the thought, because it's the middle of November, it's snowing outside, and there are no fires going on anywhere around me. I remember riding quads down the hills to the beach. i remember spending The Fourth of July of there. I remember Grandpa Pyne driving the Jeep to the beach. I remember fireworks, and snakes, and quads, and cold mornings, and learning how to drive a quad for the first time....almost throwing my dad off the back. Things were alot simpler back then. Families were still together, tragedies had not arose yet, and everyone seemed happier. Some of us were divided, but, not so much. I also remember making fun of Angela. Oh god. We picked on her so bad. I remember me and Kayliegh riding around and saying the quad was our ship, which we named "Chips Ahoy". I remember all of the bikes, and the tree forts, and the tarped in area where people did "plays". I remember going tubing with Uncle Jamie and Shanarr fell off the tube. Uncle Jamie kept going on the Boat, just to mess with Shanarr. But, that's all.
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acidtears
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2008 18 November :: 2.43pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: "No matter what" By: T.I.
Great song.
Yeah, I say still i stand
Ay, shawty here i am
hey
(Verse 1)
Never have you seen in ya lifetime
A more divine southern rapper with a swag like mine
Facin all kinda time but smile like I'm fine
Brag with such passion and shine without tryin
Believe me, pains a small thing to a giant
I was born without a dime
Out the gutter I climbed
spoke my mind and didn't stutter one time
Ali said "even the greatest gotta suffer sometimes"
So I huff and puff rhymes
Lyrics so sick wit it
Set the standard in Atlanta how to get get get it
So you up and coming rappers wanna diss, just kill it
I'm officially the realest...point, blank, period
Whether I still live in the hood or just visit
Whatever you can do in the hood I done did it
That's why the dope boys and the misfits feel it
This still his city long as TIP living, listen
(Hook)
I ain't dead (nah) I ain't done(nah)
I ain't scared(of what?), I ain't run(from Who?)
But still I stand (yeah)
No matter what pimpin here I am(Yeah)
No matter What
Remember I ain't break(never), I ain't fold(never)
They hate me more(so?)
Yeah I know(Ha, Ha)
Here I go(Yeah)
No matter what shawty, here I go
No matter what shawty
(Verse 2)
Let the blog sites and the magazines tell it
I'm sure to be in jail till 2027
Rather see me in the cell then
Instead of this new McLaren
God will take you through hell, just to get you to heaven
So even tho it's heavy, the load I will carry
Grin and still bear it, win and still share it
Apologies to the fans, I hope you can understand it
Life can change ya direction, even when you ain't planned it
All you can do it handle it, worst thing you can do is panic
Use it to your advantage, avoid insanity manage
To conquer, every obstacle, make impossible possible
Even when winning illogical, losing still far from optional
And, Yea they wanna see you shot up in the hospital
But, when life throw punches, block and counter like a boxer do
Been locked inside mi casa too long, I did a song
To make it known that the king lives on pimpin
(Hook)
I ain't dead (nah) I ain't done(nah)
I ain't scared(of what?), I ain't run(from Who?)
But still I stand (yeah)
No matter what pimpin here I am(Yeah)
No matter What
Remember I ain't break(never), I ain't fold(never)
They hate me more(so?)
Yeah I know(Ha, Ha)
Here I go(Yeah)
No matter what shawty, here I go
No matter what shawty
(Verse 3)
Even in solitude, there's still no hotter dude
I show you how to do, what you do, you ain't gotta clue
All you do is follow dudes
Sound like a lotta dudes
I'll weather whatever storm
Make it out without a bruise
I understand why, ya'll when my hands tied
They take shots, cause if I'm out there it's a landslide
But revenge is best served as a cold dish
And suckas will get served nigga no shit
Guess it was understood, for me it was over with
But I don't quit, if you ain't noticed yet
They couldn't wait to say goodnight shawty
So they can try to rhyme, act and look like shwaty
Go get a beat from Toomp, and make a hook like shawty
Before ya know it I'm back what it look like shawty
I lost my partner and my daughter in the same year
Somehow I rise above my problems and remain here
Yeah, and I hope the picture painted clear
If your heart filled with faith then you can't fear
Wonder how I face years and I'm still chillin
Easy, let go and let GOD deal with it (Ay!!)
(Hook)
I ain't dead (nah) I ain't done(nah)
I ain't scared(of what?), I ain't run(from Who?)
But still I stand (yeah)
No matter what pimpin here I am(Yeah)
No matter What
Remember I ain't break(never), I ain't fold(never)
They hate me more(so?)
Yeah I know(Ha, Ha)
Here I go(Yeah)
No matter what shawty, here I go
No matter what shawty
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rayray
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2008 17 November :: 10.33pm
It's pathetic how I find myself defending why I love my boyfriend after 3 years, to people who know me better than a lot of people.
And they tell me that I'm not happy.
But truth be told, I am the happiest I've ever been.
In high school, I was a train wreck.
I was always depressed, crying over never-meant-to-be relationships, drama ate at me like I was a thanksgiving turkey, and I was stressed out the moment I stepped foot into my house.
I was constantly being told what to do.
And I hated every moment of the life I lived outside of my friends.
I may not hang out with my friends as much as I used too, and those relationships may have grown awkard over the past 3 years.
But I truly am happy.
I finally have someone I love that I can come home to everyday, and wake up to every morning.
It may not be the best of relationships, but I am happy.
After this long, I shouldn't have people who I feel I can trust, telling me that I should have a baby, but not until I get a different boyfriend.
I haven't felt that hurt in awhile.
Many of you feel the same way, but don't judge until you know the whole story.
I shouldn't have to defend my life to others.
1 comment |
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skife
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2008 17 November :: 2.44am
I hope they don't kill opie.
He's one of my favorite characters
7 comments |
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phil-himself
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2008 17 November :: 2.32am
I don't know what to believe anymore.
Tired from over thinking, numb from over feeling.
When you try to move on and things get thrown back at you.
This whole event seems like mutually assured destruction.
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2008 16 November :: 10.40pm
:: Mood: indescribable
There's someone in my head and it's not me.
I cannot believe it. Still. To this day. I cannot believe that I'm comfortable enough to call my dad. So much has changed. I never thought.. No. I really never thought that I would see him. It got to the point that I just.. I didn't see it happening. Maybe once, maybe in the future, but it just seemed so neverending. I thought of him every single day, and it killed me. Now it kills me to walk away, get in my car, and drive the 50 miles back home. It's not far, but to me it seems like a million miles. That infinite amount of miles that had always been between us. I can't begin to explain myself, just as he can't.
We just stand there, stare like we know eachother from somewhere, but can't pin point where we met. It's not awkward. I just don't know who he is.
We hugged when I left on Friday night. I had work the next morning. I felt the tears come up, but they went away. We stood in the drive for about 5 minutes with our arms around eachother. Felt like a lifetime. I just closed my eyes, and traced my memories for another memory similar to the one being made. I can't tell anyone, even myself, how I feel right now. I couldn't tell you if it's good or bad. And really, it has absolutely nothing to do with my dad. I just.. felt like writing about him, because.. well, I can now. Maybe it just spurred a few thoughts, and all of a sudden I felt like typing about him because I guess, well, I feel like I can. We can't make up for all of the lost time, and there's no sense in trying. Sure, I'll talk about my past and he'll talk about some of his. I don't mind. I don't care what he talks about as long as I hear his voice. I was so scared to call him the first time. It's strange, but I was terrified that I'd forgotten what his voice sounded like. Now I can remember. It's gotten so much easier. I just can't believe I am where I'm at.
I have a wonderful boyfriend, I have an amazing best friend, I have everything that I truly want. I'm not entirely content with myself, but I'm working on it. Really hard, actually. Everything is completely different from last year, and the year before that. I'm in college and I hate it, but that's okay. I'll likely live. I want to be a dental hygienist, because I feel like I'll be good at nit-picking through people's teeth. Not really sure if it's what I'll love to do, but I always have my hobbies. And of course, I'll eventually be able to afford a new camera with the paycheck.
I can't wait for Shane to come back home.
I miss him being around. My house isn't enjoyable anymore, and I can't handle it. I just wish it were. I wish things would go back to normal in my head, but they don't seem to want to.
I'll sleep on it again. Maybe things will rearrange. But hey, I've been hoping that for a few years now.
It could be that my sister is living with my mom and I. I love her and my nephew to death. It's just stressful. Have to get away every once in a while, then it's okay. And it really could be that my only brother is facing a minimum of 7 years in prison. Why do things have to happen this way? I never understood why things play out the way the do, and I guess I just dismissed it after it didn't matter anymore. It must be the best, right?
Just have to keep telling myself that, and keep on sleeping on it.
I'll learn to appreciate the way life plays out, and to reason out with myself when I think it's wrong.
6 comments |
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acidtears
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2008 16 November :: 9.46pm
:: Mood: numb
:: Music: "Alright" by: Pilot Speed.
And tonight I lack the strength to even move.
The information given to me last night about Adam and Aubri hurt then, but now it's starting to sink in more. I do have the friends that are telling me not to worry, because he doesn't even like her. No, he has no obligation to me what-so-ever. It's not necessarily him I'm mad at. It's Aubri. We've been "BFF's" since about 6 years ago, and she goes behind my back and fools around with the guy she knows I like. That's a shitty move right there. I would never do something like that to a person I was friends with. I think last night Adam could tell I knew. When I walked past him, he opened is mouth as if to say something to me, and almost reached out and grabbed my arm. I would scoot passed him like he wasn't even there. I would scan the crowded room and pretend I didn't see his face looking at me. I would talk amongst friends like he couldn't hear me. Not talking about him of course. But, just made it seem like "I'm busy, so, don't talk to me". I was relieved when he left finally. I felt like I could finally breathe, and maybe...feel how I really felt. I put on my happy face in front of him and everyone else, but really, it was a lie. I was not happy. I was confused, hurt, betrayed, stabbed in the back, furious, and strangely I was also numb. It was an act. Oh yes, those laughs, smiles, and shy looks were for you. Tried to be like nothing ever happened. Like I said, I'm not really mad at Adam, he has no strings to me. In fact, I don't think he even knew I liked him when it happened. But he does now. I'm upset with Aubri. And she's trying to say that if I want her to stop talking to him, she will. HaHa. What am I?... His girlfriend? No. Yeah, because that's not creepy and something a psycho jealous girl would do. I told her she could talk to him if she wants, I don't give a shit. I'm not going to try to control her actions. I don't want to control her actions. I just wish she wasn't so easy. Chase says I should talk to Adam, but, I have no idea what I would say. "Hey, what's up? Yeah, I like you, do you like me back?". HA! No. A part of me feels like I shouldn't even feel this way about the situation. Oh well. Can't help it.
The rest of the night at Chase's house was pretty good though. It was just me and Kayliegh in the house, until she went to bed. I got online and talked to my good friend Eric. Talked for a couple hours and then I hear a knock on the door. I went out and answered it and it was Brendon. YAY! My male friend that I can vent to, and he actually listens. So we just talked to his friends online, watched funny youtube stuff, watched SuperBad, ate, smoked, and talked the rest of the night. Until my tired ass passed the hell out.
So right now, there's beautiful snow on the roofs of homes and cars. That was the highlight of that night. The snow. It made me feel like something new and better could be starting. And right now, I will put on my mask of contentment, because let's face it, I have family to take care of. And I don't need them wondering what's wrong.
I'm done rambling now. Thanks for reading to those that did.
-Samm d'Massacre.
5 comments |
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acidtears
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2008 16 November :: 3.40pm
:: Music: "I will love you" by: Fisher
music heals
Til my body is dust
til my soul is no more
I will love you, love you
Til the sun starts to cry
and the moon turns to rust
I will love you, love you
But I need to know
will you stay for all time
forever and a day
Then I'll give my heart
'til the end of all time
forever and a day
And I need to know
will you stay for all time
forever and a day
Then I'll give my heart
'til the end of all time
forever and a day
'Til the storms fill my eyes
and we touch the last time
I will love you, love you
I will love you, love you....
I will love you, love you, love you...
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phil-himself
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2008 16 November :: 1.11pm
Mudvayne - Pushing Through This
Salt the wound
Cut through a conscience I've failed to explore
The calm before the storm
Speak your peace and prepare for the fall
Words have been chosen
Tainting the gift
Lying truth's so increditable
So fuck you all
I'm turning my back on this killing so small
Step by step I'm pushing through this
(All of you get away from me)
Eye for an eye I'm pushing through this
My law
Step by step I'm pushing through this
(All of you get away from me)
Tooth for a tooth I'm pushing through this
Through you
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skife
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2008 16 November :: 1.39am
my brother thinks that i'm an alcoholic for taking a minicooler with 3 beers in it, in the bathroom for my bath.
4 comments |
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phil-himself
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2008 16 November :: 12.39am
Drastic steps
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foobz
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2008 15 November :: 5.46pm
i can hear what you're thinkin', all your doubts and fears.
and if you look in my eyes, in time, you'll find the reason i'm here.
in time all things shall pass away.
in time, you may come back some day - to live once more, or die once more.
but in time, your time will be no more.
you know your days are numbered. count 'em one by one
like notches in the handle of an outlaw's gun.
you can outrun the devil - if you try.
but you will never outrun the hands of time.
in time there will surely come a day,
in time all things shall pass away.
in time, you may come back some say.
to live once more, or die once more.
but in time, your time will be no more.
i can hear what you're thinkin'...
mate, it's easy to be angry. but to be angry at the right person, at the right time, for the right reason - that's the real challenge.
love wins.
always.
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