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2003 23 October :: 5.36 pm
tell me lies... |
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2003 22 October :: 3.07 pm
i am doing better, sorry for that last entry, it was a TERRIBLE night, i am so VERY glad that it didn't spill over until the next day... as for the cuts, they actually look like burns so i just told mom and mike that i burned myself on the oven at work..... they really don't need to know, my mom would just get upset and worried, and mike would just get pissed at me because he doesn't understand... actually, i know that no one really does unless they have been through it themselves. it isn't something that can be explained why like.... how to make a mocha or something, it is just not describeable (sp?)..... hell, even i can't really understand why i do it
ok, off to run errands and spend all my $
tree
tell me lies... |
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2003 19 October :: 3.31 am
:: Mood: angry
i am sorry,
i was very stupid,
i hurt myself tonight because i couldn't hurt anyone else.....
i have not done this in a very long time and i never thought i would do it ever again but i was just so mad! and i couldn't hurt him and i really wanted to and i didn't have anything else i could do, no one to hurt and take out my anger, my frustration, my PURE HATE out on
but myself, and i am very sorry,
very very very sorry, and i only wish that i can say that i won't do it again but i know that if i am angry enough that i will,
and it is NOT because i like pain,
and it is NOT because i want attention,
and it is NOT because i want to die,
and it is NOT because i......
it is because i love him too much to slug him in the face like i wanted to tonight, it is because i knew that if i did anything else, or if i didn't leave the room that he would have just stood up and told me to get out of his life,
i did it because i HAD to!
i just don't know, the last time that i fucking did this was like in eleventh grade, i am too fucking old god damn it to be fucking slicing myself up,
i feel like i need to be locked away from the world,
from everything,
and everyone
so that i couldn't do anymore goddamn harm, and maybe if i wasn't with him, and maybe if i was somewhere else, and maybe if i was someone else..........
GOD DAMN IT, why do i fucking do this SHIT, why do i piss him off to the point where he wants to kill me,
why can't i just know when to stop,
and when to just shut up and walk away, why do i still fucking do this to myself,
why why why why why,
it is only a simple fucking question,
why?
that is all i ask, all i ever wanted in life is to just once go on without hating myself, or thinking i am fat or wanting to die, why couldn't i just be ok, why did i get to be SO FUCKING LUCKY? HUH? WHY DID I WIN THIS GREAT BiG FUCKING JACKPOT? I NEVER FUCKING ASKED FOR THIS? ALL I WANT IS TO NOT BE HERE ANYMORE. i want to go to sleep and not wake up, maybe things would be easier that way, maybe everyone else would be happier that way.... WHY CAN"T I JUST FUCKING BE A NORMAL FUCKING PERSON?????????????!!!!!!!!!!!
i am not going to kill myself, but let me tell you that un-fucking-fortunately there sure is not a whole hell of a lot of things left anymore that are keeping me here,
i never fucking asked to be like this,
i never wanted to ever be the way i am,
all i want to do is be normal,
lead a normal fucking life,
and just be another face in the crowd,
i want to blend in,
i want to do a 9-5 job,
and have a happy life,
and
i
just
don't
want
to
be
me
anymore!
i really don't like feeling like this, but i know that i will for the rest of my life because statistics say that it
just
won't
go
away.
and all i want to do now is go to sleep and sleep until noon tomorrow but i am too angry now to sleep, too upset, too wired, i want to sleep, i need to sleep,
i WILL fucking sleep
tell me lies... |
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2003 18 October :: 12.47 pm
:: Mood: tired, and cold
blllaaaggghhhkkkk
yeah, the subject line is what it sounded like as i tossed my cookies this morning after a nite out on the town, i think i am going to finally admit, that maybe i can't drink like i used too..... yuck, i feel like shit, and do you think mikey is sympathetic? NO! but of course back in feb. when he went out with dan to a strip club for dans b-day, and came home TRASHED, and was sick, i was nice tohim.... no, instead i hear him on the phone with someone telling then "yeah, teresa drank too much last nite, and is being sick now" yeah, so i told him to tell his mom, dad, grandma, and anyone else he could think of too, i told him we will put it in a blimp and float it above the house! yes, i am mad, mad at him for being mean, mad at me for being sick, and damn it i am mad at the fucking inventer of rumplemintz! aaahhhrrrgggg! ok, i am probably going to go and barf again now. tree
tell me lies... |
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2003 17 October :: 3.02 pm
:: Mood: busy
too too too long
it has been entirely too long, i just haven't had the time (or the privacy) to write in here. just too dam busy, and now i know that i have about 8 minutes to write b/c mikey will be home then, and we get to go and run errands, YAY!, so, thank god it's friday, it has been a long fucking week, a long fucking life. well, this weekend is going to be yet another eventful one, busy busy busy, that's me. ok, i am sorry to have bugged you, but i felt it was my obligation to let you all know i was still living, (like you are really gonna give a crap!) ok, so now that i have managed to bore you to the point of...... (i dunno, i was gonna say something smart, like a big long word or something) bored you to way beyond that point, i am going now, love you all, tree
tell me lies... |
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2003 18 September :: 7.21 pm
:: Mood: weird
i dunno
i am in a kind of blah mood...
my birthday was great,
my party turned out to be a pretty successful one too, i mean, how could it not be, i had 3 bottles of wine between 6pm and 1am! i started at 6 because i told people to come around 6.... well no one showed up until like 730, and by then i had been on the front porch reading, and drinking, and by the time keri and dan and their kids had showed up, i had already downed a whole bottle by myself.
*whoopsie*
so when i started to get a headache at like 2am and leah said that was good because that meant i was getting my hangover then and i wouldn't have one in the morning... so when i went to sleep at 330am, i passed right the fuck out... and then, i was oh-so-nicely woken up by katelyn crying at 7am, which i know i can't blame her, she is only 2 years old, but needless to say i was up and awake after that.... but hey, ya' know what? leah was right, i didn't have a headache when i woke up!
on monday, mikey played hooky from work... i tried to wake him up and he is like "no, i was sick last night, didn't you hear me puking? i got up like 3 times." so i figured i was just out like a light.... so, i wake up and go to work, (yeah, i worked on my b-day, but i made like an extra $30 in tips because i had a sticker on my shirt that said "i am the birthday girl!") so i go to work, and at about 1, mike comes walking in with his arms FULL of balloons, flowers and a cookie cake, (i had been bitching all weekend that no one got me a cookie cake) and i turn to him, and i was like "what are you doing out of bed?!?" and he goes "*fake coughs* i am sick" so i guess from what my mom told me, he had had this whole thing planned out since last week, and he ended up using one of his vacation days at work, to have the day off to surprise me. *awwww* he is so sweet too, he signed the little flower card with "all my love forever" and on the birthday card wrote "to my one and only" and it was so absolutely adorable.
ok, i am done now, bye
1 sweet little lie |
tell me lies... |
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2003 17 September :: 3.13 pm
:: Mood: pondering
deep thought, by teresa tramont
perhaps.
what propels one person towards creativity and another towards sadism? why does one man carve a steak while another carves up his family? why are guns so popular? who are 'random crime victims' and why do they meet such horrible fates? how can one person spend an entire lifetime searching for true love, when another finds it so easily only to turn their back on it? why do tools of hatred outsell instruments of peace? why does one man split an atom in the name of science and god, while another uses that technology to obliterate a country? where do the forces of violence come from? where does one draw the line between good and evil?
tell me lies... |
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2003 13 September :: 9.43 am
:: Mood: giddy
PAR-TAY ANYONE!?!?
so tonight is my birthday party and considering i am a big loser, i am throwing it for MYSELF, and no one will probably show up but that is ok, because mikey and i can get hammered together. i am trying to convince him to let me open at least one of my presents early but he is refusing... damn that 'by-the-books-bastard'.....of course i still love him tho... but i can keep trying right? he may break just to keep me from bugging him anymore.
:D
ok, i got stuff to do, c-ya
tell me lies... |
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2003 11 September :: 3.13 pm
:: Mood: in a hurry...
IN 4 DAYS IS MY BIRTHDAY!!!! AND THAT MEANS 'LOTS ' PRESENTS FOR ME, YAY!!, (does that sound selfish?)... (or does is sound like a chica turning 24... going to 4?!?)
p.s., and may we remember those who were lost in the terrorist attack 2 years ago today.... =(
tell me lies... |
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2003 7 September :: 12.54 am
:: Mood: sleepy
:: Music: none
*yawns*
so, i had to work tonite, on my day off, so afterwards, i went to brennans with kristen, i was supposed to go out last nite with her, but i went to bed too early, so i decided to go tonite then, after working a vvveeerrryyy slow 6 hour shift. it was so dead in there tonight! i hate working nights 'cause they go by sooooo sloooow....
anyways, i had 3 beers in an hour, and have a buzzand i am so very tired... damn i must be getting old, i used to be able to have 3 mixed drinks in a half hour, and need more, now i know i will wake up with a headache... i used to think that being a sicilian/irish mix meant that i would be ok the next day... well the sad part about that, is that when i was younger, (14-20) i could have a whole bottle of wine the night before and still be ready and rarin' to go at 7am.... but oh no, not now, one glass at dinner and i wake up with a headache, i am apparently getting too old for this shit...
ok, mikey is already in bed, i am going to go and try to get some sleep now... nite
1 sweet little lie |
tell me lies... |
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2003 6 September :: 6.41 am
:: Mood: awake damn it, and i hate it!
:: Music: sarah mclachlan
irony?
so yeah, it is 635am and i wanna know wtf i am doing awake on a saturday freeking morning?!?!?!? oh wait, i know, mikey had to be to work at 530! argh! i hate this, one of my only days to be able to sleep in and i couldn't even get to stay in bed until 7 frickin am! ok, now logic says that since michael is working until noon, that i should be back in my nice warm bed trying to at least get back to sleep but apparently i have not to known to do "logic".
ok, no more bitching about sleep because i know i will not find it again until tonight...
so i am a wee bit dissapointed...we were going to have an end of summer party tonight BUT no one is showing up, how fucking pathetic am i? jesus, now, i know i only have like THREE friends in the entire country but, come on?!?!?! seriously, it was going to be so fucking cool, and now.... it is going to be me.... and mikey..... WOW! how rocking will that be?
*could ya' hear the sarcasm there?*
oh jeez, i dunno, maybe i should just come to the realization that i AM a big loser and i DON"T have any friends, (except of course jess, who is over eight hours away but that is a whole other RANT!) ....
ok, something new... so yeah, there was a SKUNK in my garage yesterday morning at about 4 fricken 30 am.... i woke up, peed, (like you needed to know the 'pee' part, but ok, on with the story...) and i went to the garage door to let in the cat... and there it was lookin' all smug, trying to be 'flower' from bambi, but let me tell you, it SO did not smell pretty like a damn flower, no-sir-ree, it did not! so, then tigger comes runnin' in and let me just say, i KNOW that there is a god up there because, that the good lord, tigger had NOT been sprayed! thank christ! i opened the garage door all the way, (we leave it open about 6 inches for the cat at nite to hunt, and bring us back furry presents) and there goes 'flower' waddling out. and let me tell you, i dunno if you have ever seen a skunk walk, but they TOTALLY do this little waddle type deal! so yeah, needless to say the garage door WILL be staying open for a few weeks.
yeah, i am done, i WILL try to go back to sleep! i will try to go back to sleep!
i will try to go back to sleep!
i will try to go back to sleep!
i will try to go back to sleep!
i will try to go back to sleep!
i will try to go back to sleep!
i RREEEEAAALLLLYYY want to get back to sleep!
ok, if i said good nite, would that be right? ok, good morning!
tree
tell me lies... |
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2003 3 September :: 3.00 pm
:: Mood: blah blah blah blah
blah
have you ever felt sorrow for someone whom you never met? well, there is this little chicky who has a journal on here which i came across once on "random" and now for the past 3 weeks i have been going back to reading it almost daily... i feel so bad for her... she is like, 17, or 18 years old, and she is so very upset that her "boyfriend" is ignoring her.... well, i wrote to her telling her from experience that basically all men are asses, and when they are out of your lives, there will always be another one to replace them, but someday a "michael" will come to sweep her off her feet, it is just all the jays, and dereks in the mean time that she has to hurdle....
i dunno, i just wish i could help her.... she is being hurt by this complete asshole and she can't get over him....
jeez, i guess it just goes back to my theory that 'only true love can turn into pure hate....
i am sorry myrkur, good luck to you.... if i was a prayer, i would say i would pray for you, but i am very sad for you... who ever you are... may you find the strength to forget about him...
tell me lies... |
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2003 1 September :: 11.53 am
:: Mood: amused
i love to count, ah ah ah
so yesterday, i speant the afternoon up in canada with mikey and his mother up at the casino. i went with 40$ american, speant about 30$ american, but won $937.50 canadian which exchanged into $651.75 american,
so let's just say that i walked out of there
one
happy
chica!
woohu!,
ok, time to make some nutritious and delicious breakfast !
tell me lies... |
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2003 29 August :: 10.47 pm
:: Mood: tired
phrase-o-the-day...
"ONLY
TRUE
LOVE
CAN
TURN
INTO
PURE
HATE"
ok, nite nite, it is time for all good little trees to go to beddy-bye now.
*yawns and stretches branches, and lays down for a long winters nap"
(yeah, it is pretty sad when even after having almost a pot of coffee less then 3 hours ago, that i am still tired.... can you say TOLERANCE?!?!
1 sweet little lie |
tell me lies... |
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2003 29 August :: 6.14 pm
i took an E-MODE test tonight, "what is my destiny".... my answer was...
"teresa, your destiny is to be a Performer
Whether you know it or not, this is the role that is most in tune with who you are at your core. As a Performer, people are stimulated by your talkative, friendly, entertaining manner and love your generous, comical, and uninhibited way. With your outgoing, impulsive, and positive nature, you can't help but be uplifting to those around you because you are constantly showing them that loving life is productive and necessary. You are always attracted to new ideas, fashions and trends, and fascinated by the possibilities that each represent. You probably listen to your senses before making decisions, but because you are generally eager to experience all that life has to offer, you should pay even closer attention. You may have a tendency to be overly self-indulgent and this could be harmful to you and the people you love. Remember that your charming social gifts can help you go far. "
interesting, VERY interesting.... does this mean i have personality? because that is ok, but if they are calling me perky, then that is SO NOT OK! ok, off to go out to get some coffee now. (wait, you are asking yourself, "doesn't she get enough coffee at work?!?!?" and the answer is:
YOU CAN NEVER HAVE TOO MUCH COOOFFFEEEE!!!!)
tell me lies... |
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