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:: 2010 11 December :: 9.17pm
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: Josh Groban

3 Thoughts | Thoughts?


:: 2009 13 October :: 6.35am

Here we go.



:: 2009 11 October :: 10.32am

I am exciiiiited!

I've been nervous for days and though I know once I get on the plane my stomach is going to be in knots again and I'm going to feel sick, that's ok.

I was freaking out about packing, but it's going surprisingly well so I think that's helping my anxiety a bit. I was also stressing a bit about all of the things I had to buy, but everything I need right away is purchased and I have money for what I need when I get there.

I feel like Wednesday cannot come soon enough. For a while I was almost dreading this and sad, but I think it's coming at the best possible time for me. I think it's what I should be doing. I know the first month is probably going to suck, I'm going to want to come home, and it's going to be exceptionally hard, but it not being easy is probably what makes the journey worth it.

When I fly solo, I fly so high.



:: 2009 8 October :: 11.42pm

I just watched my little niece walk for the first time. And I cried.

Someday, far far away, I am excited to be a mom.
(Adoption, of course).



:: 2009 8 October :: 9.31am
:: Music: Frightened Rabbit - Poke

Nights like last night make me not want to leave.

I love it here.

Nonetheless, it's time to move on. :)



:: 2009 6 October :: 11.24am
:: Music: Bright Eyes

Began last night.



:: 2009 5 October :: 7.07am
:: Music: Frightened Rabbit - Keep yourself warm

Unbounded hook ups.
I don't think I could ever become someone like that. Even the thought of it makes me feel sick. I can't see that feeling good or right. I'll never be one of those people. I don't know what it is about me, but something about it is sacred in a way. I've thought about it, talked about it, made jokes about it, but there's no trophy case or number high enough to make me intrigued. I've had my chance and I thank my cold feet. It's gross and futile. Oh, what is this world becoming? How am I to know?

At times I've tried to be something I'm not. It's never worked out for me.

I'm thankful.

You won't find love in a- won't find love in a hole.
It takes more than fucking someone to keep yourself- see in the dark!
Can you see the look in your face?
The flashing white light's been turned off.
You don't know know who's in your bed.

It takes more than fucking someone you don't know to keep warm.
Do you really think that for a house beat you'll find your love in a hole?



:: 2009 4 October :: 2.21pm
:: Music: Brand New

The Brand New concert was amazing. I've never been to a concert where a band played so long and incorporated every single album, and not just one song, but at least a few from each. Even their first album. Not only that, but they gave a lot of their songs a new style and changed them up a lot to keep them interesting, but have their fans still be able to sing along. Jesse's voice is even more powerful, beautiful, and soft in person. I got teary eyed when they played some songs from Deja Entendu. In front of me there was this one guy who was just SO into it. He was drunk, of course, but I didn't see him as obnoxious. He knew the words, he felt the music, and he was just so into it and then to my right there was another guy who was also really feeling it. I don't know.. I guess seeing other people, complete strangers especially, connecting to something as much as I do is just a beautiful thing. To know that though we're all different, strangers, and life separate lives we can all have an emotional, deep connection to something breath taking. It doesn't matter how someone dresses or how they look, some people will completely surprise you. And it's not about having similar tastes in music, it's about connecting to words on such a level that you feel your entire body bursting at the seams. I think that, itself, is breath taking.



:: 2009 4 October :: 8.24am
:: Music: Frightened Rabbit

As each day comes to an end I am starting to freak out a little more. I am not ready, I don't know what to pack, the physical training is going to kill me, waking up at 5:30 is going to kill me, not having my own space, sitting in classes, etc. etc. etc.

I am a very routine person. I love to experience new things, I love to travel, I love to be spontaneous and just go, and I love learning new things, but when it comes to my every day normal life I am very routine and organized.

I am scared, I am nervous, but when I really think about my life I can't imagine going on how I am. Yeah, it's been great and fun and I've made tons of amazing memories, but am I really living with purpose? No. Am I making any sort of change? Other than recycling, no. My biggest purpose in life cannot be recycling. So, this is it.

I kind of want to struggle and be disciplined and not want to wake up every day and help other people, but do it anyway. Generally people live very selfish lives and I can easily say I do and it's time for a change.

I suppose what I am most nervous about is how the people are going to be. My team leaders and team mates. I don't know what to expect and I want to go in being myself, but what if who I am doesn't mesh with my team? And what if everyone just looks at me as a joke because I'm not exactly muscly. I really don't want people to look at me as weak. Though I won't say I can't lift a whole lot and I may not be all that strong physically, but I do think I am bringing something to the table worth value.

Ugh. None of this matters. I am doing this either way. Worrying is stupid. I am just anxious and want to be there already so I can see what I am dealing with and well, deal with it.



:: 2009 30 September :: 11.44am
:: Music: Sybris

I love taking pictures of people. Not because of the photos I get or what I capture, but because of how the models react when they see themselves. Hearing things about how they've never seen themselves that way or how they feel attractive. How it's the first time they've actually liked how they looked in photos. Or how they never thought they could model, but now they do, etc. I love it. I love making people feel good about themselves and have something they want to show off and feel proud about. People often ask me why I like taking photos of people so much and why I don't really take photos of other things often. Well buildings, trees, and animals, as great as they are, don't react quite the same way. Taking a photo of them won't make them happy or feel good, they'll just be. I like helping people realize their beauty and in the process feel good about themselves.



:: 2009 30 September :: 11.31am
:: Music: Sybris

These last few weeks I've felt rather apprehensive. This year of my life has been so amazing and honestly the best year of my life. I'm not sure why exactly, nothing outstanding has happened. It's just.. I don't know. I've felt stronger and more in control and actually happy. Maybe it was leaving Australia and, really, going there in the first place. I gained a lot of independence leaving here and then there. I think it's also being single. I had a little drama here and there and definitely a few distractions and hardcore crushes, but no one really wants to put any effort into a rolling stone, which in the end really only paid off. I think most of it is seeing that I can actually be happy. I struggled with that a lot when I was young, because I was naive and well, young. And even when I experienced happiness it was always due to a relationship or for only instances. Depending on being sought after to be happy. I finally learned how to do that on my own and though one day I'd love to be in a relationship again, and I obviously will be, it's nice to know there's more to life and I can actually see that. It's important to learn how to be happy with yourself. I'm not sure how I did it, maybe because I had no choice, but I gained so much more confidence and learned who I was and what I truly cared about. I've never really felt comfortable in my own skin, probably due to those around me, but I can finally look in the mirror and like what I see. I can finally appreciate my body and say even though in some peoples eyes I'm not a "real woman" and I don't have some huge chest I actually love my body. I never thought I'd get to a point where I could say I liked my chest and I actually do. I even am to the point where I wouldn't want a big chest even if I had the choice. That may seem odd and it may also seem odd that I am even talking about this, but for a girl, from a girls point of view, that's a huge thing and somewhere I never thought I'd get. I don't think I'm the prettiest girl on the planet and I still see those around me who would put me to shame, but I've come to realize if everyone was "perfect" that just wouldn't be exciting or real and I'm a fan of reality I suppose.

So, back to the reason I'm feeling apprehensive! It's like as soon as things were right and I truly settled into something good it's time for me to go. It's like I don't want to say goodbye to this. I finally love and understand my family, I have actual, real friends that aren't like the people who are still stuck in High School, Grand Rapids seems to be really opening up and there's so much to do around here finally, and my Photography is really bringing in a lot of money and I've learned A LOT within the past month even. So it's like I am walking away from things I've worked hard to build or things that fell into place, but at the same time I know it's time for me to move onto something else. Something more gratifying, life changing, and growing. I've talked to a lot of people who have served and I've heard the same thing from all of them. They say it's really hard, you'll want to go home, you'll struggle a lot, but in the end it's one of the most amazing experiences ever and they are glad they persevered. I can't say I am exactly ready for it or prepared, and more than likely I'm going to be knocked on my ass, but I am ready to stick it through and stay along for the ride. If I settled into my life now I can't imagine how I would feel looking back wondering what different experiences I could have had. I don't want what most people want and I can't imagine living like those around me. So, in my eyes, I have no choice. And having no choice has never seemed so right.

Once I've served I'd like to get into an overseas program. I suppose I am a bit open to anything right now though. I think I'll get some opportunities once I am in CA and more options will be thrown at me so when people ask me what my plan is... well, it doesn't exist. How can I make a plan when I haven't lived the next year of my life yet? How can I know what I want or what I'll learn about? As far as I'm concerned college, careers, families, relationships, and plans can find some other poor sap to latch onto it. My plan is to live and find out on the way.



:: 2009 18 September :: 7.16pm

You're radicle;radical.
I don't believe in God, Heaven, Hell, angels, or even a higher power. I don't believe in soul mates, love at first sight, or "all you need is love." Nor do I believe "everything happens for a reason" or faith. But I do believe in timing. I think everything comes down to timing. And sometimes time is the most stubborn, slow, selfish thing. I don't have the best timing or even good timing really. My timing...fucking sucks and I'm trying to be patient, but I can clearly say patience has never been one of my strong suits. I've become restless and though I don't believe in things happening for a reason it seems as though nothing's working out due to no faults of my own. I'm not doing anything differently, I'll admit I'm not being active, but I've never really had to chase something so hard or been shut down so quickly. I'm not sure if it's because the universe just knows it's not right and though my heart feels torn everything else knows I'll make it through it and it's all shallow anyway. I know it may seem odd to say things like that since I previously stated I don't believe in much of anything, but I do believe in energies. I think not acknowledging the world and the way it somehow works together is silly. The nature of animals, human nature, nature itself.. we're all connected in this beautifully harmonious way and ignoring that would be far too ignorant.

I don't think everything is just a coincidence. I think it's all very intricate and everyone and everything observes and adapts in the most breath taking ways.

When you talk about a tumbleweed most people see it as something only found in old western movies or in deserts and if seen it's still thought of as simply weeds intertwined blowing across the land. Nothing too exciting. But when you really think about it's not just weeds blowing in the wind at all. It has broken free to live it's own life. It's doing a job, it's in charge of it's own existence, it's spreading itself everywhere it goes. It's traveling and in a sense doing what it's meant to do and then dying. I'm not trying to reach here or seem all deep, but I think of humans as tumble weeds in a way. From afar people are just interesting or something new. And once you get closer you start to learn and you see their purpose and learn their goals. They're not just traveling from place to place to gain new ground. They have a duty and a purpose and once they do what they need to do they die. But then to say we're all tumbleweeds isn't quite correct. I think some of us never become aerial. Some of us are primary's or lateral's. You implant, you absorb, and anchor yourself somewhere where you can get what you need. All the while never really seeing anything more than what's around you. You don't bother to travel great distances, you don't choose to interact with those around you, you pretty much keep to yourself and do what's best for you. You grow, you collect, you become stronger, but as far as changing into something else it just doesn't happen.

I also like to think of human sex much like insect sexual cannibalism. I know that may seem laughable and the female role is often reversed when it comes to humans, but I think comparing the two isn't so high of a leap. We lure them in, we take what we want, and in the end one of us dies. I know, I know.. a bit of a hyperbole, but taking it as a loose comparison you may be able to make a connection.

I could go on and on, but I suppose my main point is that we, the earth, are more in sync than we think. We're not so different from the miniscule or colossal things around us whether we're talking about how gears turn to make a machine operate, how a building is built to stand and hold, how animals prey and are predators, how plants grow and die.. comparing us isn't odd at all.

We're more alike than we think and than we'll ever know.

There is reason. On this earth, all around us. We're all constantly colliding in ways we sometimes don't even notice.



:: 2009 18 September :: 6.38am
:: Music: Manchester

I wanted to say I'm sorry, though the words I said don't lack truth. But truth isn't always permission to say whatever you feel. We all need a censor and for some reason mine wasn't sensing a damn thing. I like to think I'm in control and I keep myself in check. I didn't. I failed. I spoke when it wasn't my job to speak. I judged when it wasn't my place to judge. I became engrossed when there were no reasons (other than shallow ones) to do so. And, for that, I am sorry.

I don't expect any sort of forgiveness, acceptance, or even acknowledgment nor do I want that. I just feel at this point in my life there are things I have to let go of and anger that has to shed and if I'm going to do that it's time to move on entirely and get my thoughts somewhere other than just my mind. Even if every one else feels the same before or after my words, it may be selfish, but it helps me.

I don't hate you. I never could. Whether we're ever friends or even like each other, or have to simply tolerate each other, I won't do any of that with spite.

We just exist together and sometimes our existence will collide and all I'd really want is some sort of comfort when that happens rather arrogance or hate.

I'm rambling. Basically, a lot of what I did was out of line and though there's still anger inside of me it's time to let go so I am.

I hope you can too. If not, that's also ok. I'm not asking for anything.

Also, congratulations. I'm truly happy for you. I knew you wanted this really bad and ask anyone; throughout this entire 'ending our friendship' thing I always said I really wished you'd get in, because you really wanted to.



:: 2009 17 September :: 9.14am
:: Music: Thao

Growing up or being an adult has always been an odd concept to me. I often wonder what exactly says you've grown up. What is the point you become an adult? Sometimes I've thought maybe age, but I don't think that's it. I've met plenty of twenty-thirty year olds who still don't "act their age." But then, what exactly does acting your age mean? I'm not quite sure. Are the experiences what determine if you're an adult? I know in some ways I've felt more grown up, but in others I still feel like a child. And I can't help but wonder when I'll feel like an adult. Does it just happen without even realizing it and then one day you're like, wow.. I'm really grown up. Is it having your own house? Or even simpler paying your own bills? Getting married? Having a child? Finding a career? Getting a degree? But then when I think of Red Flannel Day and how I'll be "visiting where I grew up" and "where I used to go to school" it starts to connect for me. When you can say you're going back to something, in the past, I think you're on your way to the rest of your life. Past High School and those relationships and those ideals. It's something new. So I think in a lot of ways I am growing up or an adult, but do I feel any clearer about my life? No. Do I act all mature and proper? No. Am I in a long term committed relationship? No. Do I have any real assets of value? No. But I suppose the actual question is if I care. And right now I just don't. I'm happy not to be in High School anymore, or in Cedar, or living with my parents, but I'm happier knowing feeling like a child, sometimes, isn't over yet. I don't want to lose that and I fear if I settle into anything I may. And maybe that's ok, maybe there's more to life than excitement and newness, but for now all I want is new. And change. And to keep growing, but not in such large leaps that I've forgotten what it's like to be where and who I am now. I've got a lot of work to do and I think in this next year I'm going to do more growing than I can even fathom. When I left for Australia I wasn't exactly prepared to grow in the ways I did. I let go of a lot of anger. I started to love and value my family. I learned who my true friends are, but most importantly my passions for life became so clear and evident that those around me felt like I changed who I was over night and on such an extreme level. Maybe it's not apparent to most, but my heart grew and what I cared about changed, and my emotions started to curl and attach themselves so strongly to what I was learning to love. I cried, A LOT, that year. Maybe it was out of frustration, maybe it was out of missing, maybe it was because I felt alone in a house full of people, but I really think it was due to shedding my skin and forming a new layer that no one else could feel. It's hard to describe, but when faced with something so great and out of your grasp, the overwhelming feeling of having no control almost frees and cages you at the same time. I don't really know what I'm saying or what the point of this is, it's just to say I'm moving on from a lot, I've learned a lot, I've had the best Summer I've ever had in my life, and I think that's the way to end one part of my life and lead onto the next. Because though this Summer has been amazing and pretty close to drama free, in the last few weeks-months I've gone through a lot, alone, and my ego's been bruised so much to the point where I've wondered how I'm not crying myself to sleep some nights. I've had a lot of time to reflect and wonder and I won't get into it, but in one aspect of my life I feel so prepared and ready and giving and all that's left to do is wait. So, I wait and I wonder and I'm not sure how much longer til I feel myself break in a way.

I'm leaving soon and as it gets closer that anxious, scared feeling starts to create knots in my stomach. Every time I leave I get the same feeling of independence. Like a moment to say "this is it" and before I know it I'm on new ground. This time it's not as interesting as a new country with new accents, words, and foods I've never heard of, but it's going to be something equally or greater to learn from.

In a lot of ways I'm ready to say goodbye to this part of my life and in other ways I've never felt so hesitant, either way though I think it's needed and whether I'm ready or not, here I go.



:: 2009 22 August :: 10.01am

...People say to make sure your last words are never anything harsh or untrue, but I don't believe that.
See, I think you should only speak what you feel in the heat of the moment, whether it be under a burning bulb or under the sheets.
'Cause in the end all we have is moments, and all we are, are humans.
And humans don't do well with emotions 'cause we feel them all at once,
and as they become a blur sometimes all we can do is yell, sigh, cry,
or laugh. Our reactions are passionate, be it good or bad.
And we should never apologize for not being an android,
we should embrace the crazy and unleash it ever so beautifully.
'Cause there's something breath taking about words that aren't constructed or drawn out in blue prints.

All I know for sure is that I never want to tell you I love you just out of habit and routine...


:: 2009 15 August :: 10.48am

"You know what? Fuck beauty contests. Life is one fucking beauty contest after another. School, then college, then work... Fuck that... You do what you love, and fuck the rest. "


:: 2009 8 July :: 1.16pm

You can go through life disposing of people and then picking through the trash to pull them back out when you're desperate and ready. You can treat people as though they're renewable. You can laugh at others silly emotions while you keep yours bottled and to yourself. You can explode, alone. You can give false feelings that are returned with real feelings. You can mark your body with something you believe in, but don't bother to follow. You can keep acting as though your actions have no equal or greater reaction. You can sense someone is happier than you and use one sentence with intention of stopping that. You can be aged until you slip back into your group of fake friends. You can keep using big words until even those aren't big enough to hide behind. You can use people as much as you'd like and then drift around them as if there's nothing to feel one way or another about. You can fall into holes as soon as you've burnt your own bridges. You can blame every one and every thing else when something doesn't go your way. You can change depending on who you're around, never truly being yourself and later hating yourself for that. You can blame the honest and let them take the fall for speaking what you're too small to say. You can play the prey when you're the predator. You can give credit when credit is due, but you won't. You can search for the same person with a different skin, and you will. You can want the past, but you'll only get the future. You can play games with people as if they're toys, but they're not. You can then laugh at how much better you are than those toys, and you are. You've learned what buttons to press and how we're all wired, so you use your tools to break and not mend. You can learn to earn satisfaction through good, but you'll choose bad. You can think you're so grown and wise, but you have fields of growing to do. You can cry your own tears, but you'll assign others to do that for you. You can think you're above everyone and be much more informed, which you're not. But, no matter how many words you read, you don't speak them. And when you finally do it's going to be too late and no one is going to understand you.

You're no more than surface level garbage.

You should pick yourself apart and only keep what works.

If you're playing a game, you're playing with yourself.

And you win. You always do.


:: 2009 16 June :: 9.31pm

'One morning an elderly man was walking on a nearly deserted beach. He came upon a boy surrounded by thousands and thousands of starfish. As eagerly as he could, the youngster was picking them up and throwing them back into the ocean.

Puzzled, the older man looked at the young boy and asked, "Little boy, what are you doing?"

The youth responded without looking up, "I'm trying to save these starfish, sir."

The old man chuckled aloud, and queried, "Son, there are thousands of starfish and only one of you. What difference can you make?"

Holding a starfish in his hand, the boy turned to the man and, gently tossing the starfish into the water, said, "It will make a difference to that one!" '


:: 2006 12 May :: 9.17am
:: Music: Plain White T's - Hey, there Delilah

I swear it's true.
Hey, there Delilah.
What's it like in New York City?
I'm a thousand miles away,
but girl tonight you look so pretty.
Yes, you do.
Time square can't shine as bright as you.
I swear it's true.

Hey, there Delilah.
Don't you worry about the distance.
I'm right there if you get lonely,
give this song another listen,
close your eyes.
Listen to my voice, it's my disguise.
I'm by your side.

Oh, it's what you do to me.
Oh, it's what you do to me.
Oh, it's what you do to me.
Oh, it's what you do to me.
What you do to me.

Hey, there Delilah.
I know times are getting hard,
but just believe me girl,
someday I'll pay the bills with this guitar.
We'll have it good.
We'll have the life we knew we would.
My word is good.

Hey, there Delilah.
I've got so much left to say.
If every simple song I wrote to you
would take your breath away,
I'd write it all.
Even more in love with me you'd fall.
We'd have it all.

Oh, it's what you do to me.
Oh, it's what you do to me.
Oh, it's what you do to me.
Oh, it's what you do to me.

A thousand miles seems pretty far,
but they've got planes and trains and cars.
I'd walk to you if I had no other way.

Our friends would all make fun of us,
and we'll just laugh along because we know
that none of them have felt this way.

Delilah, I can promise you
that by the time that we get through
the world will never ever be the same.

And you're to blame.

Hey, there Delilah.
You be good and don't you miss me.
Two more years and you'll be done with school.
And I'll be making history like I do.
You know it's all because of you.
We can do whatever we want to.

Hey, there Delilah here's to you.
This one's for you.

Oh, it's what you do to me.
Oh, it's what you do to me.
Oh, it's what you do to me.
Oh, it's what you do to me.
What you do to me.


:: 2006 24 February :: 6.38am
:: Music: Ani Difranco - Angry Anymore

On the outs.
I always expect too much and get my hopes up for nothing.

Don't try to fix this, it'd show you actually cared.


:: 2006 23 February :: 7.13pm

Nothing ever works. I shouldn't convince myself otherwise.


:: 2006 19 February :: 9.22am

I have something to look forward to now.



:: 2006 13 February :: 2.06pm

You're my distraction.


:: 2006 12 February :: 4.40pm
:: Music: Bob Dylan

Today was such a weird/emotional day.

First, I went to church. I try to avoid it as much as possible. Not because I am Agnostic, but because it brings back bad memories. I stand there knowing that the person who used to stand next to me will never stand next to me there again. Or anywhere for that matter. The person I loved is gone and we'll never step into that place together like we used to. Growing and learning as one. Then I looked at my brother's wife, singing in the choir and my brother facing her singing in the crowd. They are such an amazing couple. They are so incredibly strong and in love. And they'll never divorce, cheat, or lie. They truly don't care about negative things or make them a part of their life. Yeah, they do bother me with their God stuff sometimes, but at least it works for them. At least they're happy. At least they are in love, and neither of them ever have to worry about lying between them. They are so strong, it's insane really.

I am happy for them, they're going to live a life I wish I could have.
Maybe I will some day.

Then we went to their apartment and my mom started talking about my dad and how he had some sort of attack the other day. He's dying and she said she's actually going to miss him. For so long she wanted him to die and now that he is, she wants him to live. She started crying and it made me feel horrible. After all the things he's done to her, us, and the entire family she still loves him and doesn't want to live without him. She loves that man so much and I have no idea why. Actually, I do...because once you love someone you can't stop. It doesn't matter what they've done or who they have become. You just love them. Just because.

I know, because I am there now.

The church service today was sad enough as it was. It was all about how to be good to your partner and how to get back to love if you're not in it now. Everything really hurt to hear, because I know our relationship could have lasted if only we did those things. If only I tried harder and he didn't do the shit he did. If only he wasn't who he truly is.

That's the only thing keeping me strong to not ever be with him again (not that I have a choice. He decided that for me a while ago). He cheated on me, he lied to me, and hurt me all of the time. And that's just who is he. He loves things too much that I can so easily live without. And that's where we differ. That's where I finally see that we would never make it. We're too different to ever exist as us.

That makes me want to cry.
But, at least I know now there has to be someone else. I can't stay stuck on someone like that. I will for a while, but my mind is too strong to go back to it.

If I knew he would never lie or cheat on me again I'd go back to him. I'd move to wherever the hell he ever ends up. But, I don't know and I'll never know anything. So, it's over and that's sad.

But, that's just me; sad.


:: 2006 9 February :: 7.07pm

You drive me up the fucking wall. Ugghh.

Just be with me. Drive here, pick me up, tell me you miss me and that you'll never let me go again.

It's that easy. That's all you have to do.

It's just money. Realize that, please. It won't make you happy. I can't fucking believe you think that's the answer. It's just paper. Yeah, you need it to survive and the world revolves around money. Blah, blah... who gives a fuck.

It's not what you need. I am what you need. You're what I need.

When will you see that?

Sooner or later I will be moving on, because as much as I want to I can't wait around forever. I just can't.


:: 2006 6 February :: 6.51am
:: Music: Tom Petty - Learning to Fly

What an amazing dream.
[Too bad I had to wake up]

Oh, and I have to stop tricking myself. I haven't met anyone worth my time yet. I am trying too hard to move on and that's stupid. Eventually I will and it will be with the right person at the right time. Until then I have to accept that there's no one and it's ok that there isn't.

I'm trying.


:: 2006 5 February :: 3.59pm
:: Music: Cliff Ritchey

What if?
There's this little glimmer of hope left in my heart making me believe we're not over. Making me wait for the day we'll just be us again.

But, I think the only reason any hope exists is because I am wishing so badly that it does. I don't think it's because it will happen or that it's true.

We're over, but I don't want to accept that.

One day I'll just have to. Because, it is over and it always will be.

But, somehow I'll trick myself into hoping it's not.

Edit>> I can't keep doing this. I need to remember what I heard this weekend; you don't have to be dating someone and being single is ok. There's not some age where you have to be married or with someone. I have to stop looking and just wait. He'll find me as soon as I quit looking. Until then I am searching for someone who doesn't exist. He has to find me. And he will.


:: 2006 3 February :: 1.27pm

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.


:: 2006 1 February :: 6.47am
:: Music: Damien Rice - The Blowers Daughter

Darling, you're all that I'm living for.
Won't you please be my own?
Never leave me alone.
'Cause I die every time we're apart.
I want you, I need you, I love you.
With all my heart.


:: 2006 29 January :: 7.03pm
:: Music: Damien Rice - The Blowers Daughter

I can't take my mind off of you, until I find somebody new.
[I don't care if any of you are sick of hearing about this. Delete me off of your friends page if I bother you that much. It won't hurt my feelings, trust me.]

I feel like I just can't do this anymore.

I miss you, you can't even begin to imagine how much. I feel like no matter what happens you're gonna be there. You're always going to be in the back of my head, I can't just get over you. I can't replace you. I compare every guy I meet to you. I can't pretend you don't exist, when I know you do and I know I regret the break up.

I regret being so weak and giving up something, that I now realize, I really needed. Something amazing. I don't even know if I regret it all or not. Because I'd kill to have that again, but knowing I had it and it's gone makes it even worse. Knowing a feeling that you just can't reach no matter how hard you try kills.

It's just... I hate knowing you're somewhere else where I can't be. I hate knowing that you're growing up without me. I hate seeing that I'm going through my senior year without my best friend by my side. Without my rock. You were never just a boyfriend to me. Ever. You were my best friend. And I remember saying no matter what you were always going to be in my life. No matter what we were going to stay best friends. So, here I sit with no best friend and no rock.

What makes it the hardest is knowing I'll probably never see you again in my life. You're gone. And I'll be gone as well soon. I don't know where I'm going, I just know it's not going to be here, in this house. I mean, you fucking lived with me. As if everything else in the world doesn't remind you of me, let's add the fact that you've been in every inch of this house. I look at the fucking couch and think of you.

It's all too hard and I wish things could have just been solved, because I've never felt so helpless. Without you, a part of me is gone. Part of who I am today is you.

Why don't you care?
I was so willing to do whatever you wanted. I told you I'd move to Florida if you really wanted me to. I told you I would go where ever you wanted to go. I was willing to move somewhere I never wanted to be just so I could be with you. And all you said is, "I don't see any way it would work."

Were you were only in it for the easy times? Only when it was conveinent for you? There's a hundred ways this all could have worked. And now it can't, because you have a new, wonderful life and I'm just here. Existing because I have to.

I love you.
I never stopped loving you.
And I don't know if I ever will.

I wish you could say the same.

I am so fucking willing to do anything on this earth to be with you. To fight with you, to grow with you, to be in love with you. The good and the bad. I want all of you and I have none.

Not one damn piece.

I don't miss you.
I miss us.

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