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Princess Lola

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:: 2006 8 October :: 4.39am

So I've decided to start writing in here again, it seems like forever since I last did. This last week was both good and bad in many ways, im really unsure of what to say. I know what im feeling, mostly it's pain but im not sure how open to be with the people causing me to feel this way. My life is just so weird, I realize why I'm unhappy but I really feel powerless to change it. I will say though, this semester is certainly better than my freshmen year was. At least I don't feel so alone, most of my friends now don't really get it. They don't really grasp why for days and weeks on end I would cry myself to sleep and just wish to not exist anymore. A lot of that had to do with my mom having the stroke, I think the rest of it has to do with my personal relaitonships. I am still kind of borderline on how i feel about life, although things are getting better. Things have been happening lately that have just made me think, it's amazing how someones advice changes your outlook on a situation. I wish i could just go on here and say how i really feel, but it would do nothing productive. Just make one of the few people who actually gives a shit about me pissed off, and another one probably uncomfortable. Part of the problem with my life is that a relationship isn't really happening, partially because I don't have time to network with everyone on the face of the earth and hangout and party. At least I have stopped drinking, it's one of the few things im really happy with right now. I will drink again at some point, but being sober for a little while is certainly not bad. I just want to go to sleep and have a nice cry and wake up and do all the shit that I need to do tommorow.
peace out

My Boyfriend Is Better Than Yours!


:: 2006 19 September :: 10.28am

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My Boyfriend Is Better Than Yours!


:: 2006 11 September :: 11.08pm

So I can't even believe how exatly how relieved to have that history paper done. I haven't been feeling particulary well lately, emotionally im fine but physically it was a rough weekend at work. Since they put me upstairs now my job got a lot more hectic, but i like it better. I've been listening to a lot of music lately, its like a sort of therapy. I'm going out to La Belle tommorow night to spend the night at my grandparents and take my grandfather wednesday to get a stint done in his leg. Things have been going quite well lately, certainly feeling a little lonely but things are getting there. Only roughly 3 years left of college for me (2 1/2 if i do it right) and then i can be free. I haven't even begun to process to think about where I'd like to go live when and if i finish. This last year has certainly been an emotional journey and a half with my mom being sick and trying to hold it all together. I don't think I ever felt more alone and isolated in my life then I did during that time and I hope i never feel like that again. Oh and speaking of my mom, shes going back to work this week.......... she finally got a job. I am really thankful for that, even if she is ungrateful and lazy..... im glad to see shes finally off her ass doing shit. I really miss my friends, I haven't really had much of a social life lately because everyone is so busy and I work weekends. I miss Carl and Andres too, I wish they were still in Fort Myers but I honestly know that Tampa is whats best for them. I also miss talking to Jess, it seems like everytime i talk to her though i get this impression like im making some huge mistake staying down here in fla. Thats total bullshit though, because I feel like in my heart this is whats best for me. That this is what I should be doing with my life. I think I may be playing pool at the perch thursday night ish if anyone wants to play? Obviously im not going to go play by myself, because that would be stupid and make me feel kinda dorkish. As far as other things like September 11th anniversary being today, I didnt really have any thoughts on it. I personally feel that the same enviroment that created that day still exists, that the united states is still viewed by many in the world as heavy handed with its miltary. I personally support the miltary but believe that the United States foreign policy needs to be shifted away from force and towards diplomacy. Force is not to meant to solve everything and should not be used that way, although i agree going after terrorists is one way it should be used. Unforunately Iraq was not a terrorist state when we invaded it, but you can bet your ass that it is now. Terrorists have an oppurtunity that the United States made a mistake in giving them and now they claim victory either way. Even if the US doesn't leave, its image is forever tarnished that it is not some supreme superpower but rather can be defeated with proper tactics. I'm sure Bush is a wonderful person on the inside, but as a miltary commander he lacks the poise and diplomacy to make the decisions he's making. I'm done talking about diplomacy and war now....... lets talk about your mothers sex life. Haha JUST KIDDING...... well not really i banged her last night.
peace out

My Boyfriend Is Better Than Yours!


:: 2006 14 August :: 11.59pm

I figure its time for an update so here it goes..........

I start back next Tuesday, I'm really excited too andI'm hoping that when i go back everything will go well this semester. I'm definetly missing a lot of people that I know from school. Hopefully I can boost my GPA some and meet some new people.

Work has been going alright, I'm kind of concerned about what season will bring though. It has been tough, and thats during the slow season so we shall see. Hopefully I will get more hours too so that way i can make money and get some stuff taken care of and have fun once in a while.

The Mothera
Shes finally going to go back to work in the next week or two hopefully. My hope is that I will finally have extra money and be able to save/not have to worry about her as much. I know that what im doing isn't financially feasible without her working so she either works or i move somewhere else. There really is no other option and shes finally realizing that. I'm trying to help her, but she has to want to help herself also and sitting on her ass complaining simply doesn't cut it anymore.

Social life
Well, once Carl and Andres leave for Tampa next week most of that goes out the window. I'm hoping to hang out with Adrienne once in a while for pool and maybe drink with Dee once in a while. Everything should be better than last year, because my life is finally beginning to calm down. I still feel like no one really grasps what im going through and I do have this feeling that I'm all alone sometimes. I am beginning to feel better about things though as time goes on, hopefully everything goes well this semester and I meet some decent people to hang out with.

I'm really not sure what to say here. Jess wants to be with me but neither of us will move. Plus she has charles up there which complicates everything. I know she cares about me though which does make me feel better, but its not the same as having someone whos here physically to go and do stuff with. Then theres Dee who I want to ask out but she keeps mixing her signals. Sometimes she wants to talk to me and i feel like were good friends and other times she doesnt seem to and it confuses me. I am thinking about asking her out but i really have no clue how she feels and how she would react so i havent said anything yet.

Other Stuff
I have a busy week ahead of me, but hopefully everything goes well. I still need to save some money up for when I get out of college/get my own place in a year to two years. I want to use my mom working to help pay down her debt and get her stuff taken care of.
Comment if you'd like, it never hurts lol

My Boyfriend Is Better Than Yours!


:: 2006 11 August :: 1.43am
:: Mood: peaceful

Yesterday I got a surprise from someone, well not really but I hadn't talked to Adrienne in a while so we talked through texting. I wanted to try and do something tonight/last night ie. Thursday night and she said she wasn't feeling well so were gonna try for Monday. I think she thinks I like her or something, I get the impression sometimes that she wants to keep me at arms length for whatever reason. Not that thats not entirely not true, but i realize that shes with Nate and I certainly have other people who I am closer to and would prefer a relationship with. Like with Dee, she never plays games and stuff and she understands me a lot better. Or with Jess, I mean she really does care about me and we have a lot of history. Not really going to get into it in on here but basically theres distance and theres charles and if wasn't for those two things then we would probably be together and theres little doubt in my mind about that. The distance is hard though, with some of the stuff im going through I really need someone here in fla. even if its just a close friend. Working on sending my mom back to work, she really needs to. Out of my $5600 from the college, I will have less than $1000 left after this month and its bullshit. She always throws shit up to me and argues with me and lies and I finally have had it. I think the only thing that will make her happy is money, and she will never have that. Shes 52 and never saved a dime in her life, and unforunately that limits what im able to do for her because im 19 and struggling to make it through college with grants and scholarhips and i dont make enough to keep paying her shit. I'm not all crazy like i was the other night, but i still do feel really alone in dealing with all of this. My family is useless, especially my brother who I haven't in seen in probably a month. Let alone anyone give me any financial help at all. I'm just so frustrated because I would probably have $8000-$9000 dollars in the bank right now if it wasn't for this. The first few months after my moms stroke all I did was cry and mope and be worried and depressed constantly, im not as depressed as then though. I know I won't run out of money because i refuse to let it happen, I will leave long before it gets to that.
peace out

My Boyfriend Is Better Than Yours!


:: 2006 7 August :: 2.57am
:: Music: Earshot-Someone

Well I have been in a mixed mood lately. Getting lots of stuff done before I start school the 22nd. I have been feeling lonely and sad lately.......... really needing someone who I can talk to and be close to and just feel intimate with. Not to say that I don't want to get laid, but thats not my top priority because emotionally im still sort of still wrecked by everything. I've been through a nightmare, all alone and more scared than i could ever imagine. The one person who was always there for me loves someone else and can't make up her mind, plus she lives in Missouri and I live here so whatever. I am becoming more and more convinced that will never work by the day. Aside from that, not that anyone cares but I still semi like Adrienne. Shes really cool to hang around, but seeing as she always wants to play games and shes with Nate its useless. I also have begun to like Dee more than her though, shes really cool but in all honesty I have no time for a relationship. I really have no social life at all anymore, there are soo many nights when i really just want to slit my wrists sometimes. I can always find a reason not to though, sometimes its the smallest things that stop me. People would be surprised because I'm usually cheerful and upbeat around everyone. I cut myself a few times in high school junior year when I got really depressed, but i never tried to slit my wrists so to speak and I still haven't tried to do that to this day. Aside from that I am really excited about the start of classes, I need to get my mom back working again but that seems doubtful. She seems hesitant and to be honest, I know shes messed up but shes not bad enough to where she cant work and/or get disability. She expects me to keep supporting her and keep trying to go to college. Sooner or later something will give if it goes on for long enough. I make really good money for my age, but between my bills and her I'm close to $2,000 a month in bills. I can barely break even, sometimes not even that. I am thankful for my grants and scholarships because it gave me $5,600 in extra cash this year after tuition and books but its still hard. At work I am actually less stressed out than at home, its like when im home I always have something to worry about or my mom blaming me for not doing a good enough job taking care of her. She wants an amazing lifestyle, and to be able to essentially retire even though she never saved a dime and does nothing but complain. She acts like she has it horrible when this is the life she built. I really need someone who understands and can just sit around and let me lay beside them and watch tv. The problem is that no one really understands, the pain and the lonlieness that I've gone through. I'm sure I will be fine but damnit I just want to be able to be like a normal 19 year and actually have real friends that care. I honestly believe if i took sleeping pills and ended up in the hospital no one would come visit me, how sad is that. I honestly just dont know anymore, I will survive but only because I am strong like a rock and crazy enough to keep running on nothing.

My Boyfriend Is Better Than Yours!


:: 2006 4 August :: 3.00am

These last few days have been going alright, went to sunsplash yesterday, got sunburnt and that was about all. I talked for a long time the other night to Yeleni. She may be the one person who somewhat understands me, we will always be nothing more than friends though but shes still a really cool person. We talked a lot about her boyfriend whos in Iraq now and how she misses him and just stuff of that nature. She knows who I like too, well actually were all kind of friends because its me, her, and Dee and we all met in our Comp I class last year. I don't know, im not much of a romantic person and I don't think Dee is either but shes really cool to be around and I could see myself with her. Were definetly going out to dinner when she gets back in the states i think. I really need someone there to comfort me, who understands what im going through. I decided im getting counseling at the college, im gonna check on it next week. I need help from somewhere, mostly with trying to get along with my mom. In a year im leaving no matter what happens, I don't exatly have any great friends to live with but at least i will be happy somewhere. No more yelling and screaming and bitching all the time. I can't possibly get along with anyone any worse than i do with her. I wouldn't be at all shocked if im in the dorms come Janruary if things keep moving the way they are. I prefer getting a regular place, but really most of my friends either aren't dependable or don't have their shit together enough yet to really be on their own. I really am giving my mom every chance in the world to help herself, and she just keeps being lazy or making excuses. I finally quit giving her extra money and stuff, when she bitches about not having shit and then spends $25 on alcohol and drinks then thats a problem. Or like tonight at walmart she wanted some candy so i got her some, well she wanted a candy bar too and i told her no. Well i stepped out of line to get something and had her wait there and then i look on the conveyor belt thingie and sure enough she tried to sneak the damn candy bar on there. I have soo had enough of her stupid games. I didn't get along with her well before her stroke, and I sure as hell don't now either. She seems to think I owe it to her to take care of her, and I don't. I can't help it she never saved anything in 52 years of living, and i really shouldn't have to pay the price for it. I have been trying to stay away from home as much as possible, i really am miserable because of her. I think once school starts, im mostly going to sleep at other peoples houses or dorms or whatever at least some so that i dont have to deal with any of her problems or bitching and complaining. I am getting a check in September, which should be for $2800 from the school. If anyone wants to get a place or needs a roommate, they should definetly let me know and we can talk about it. It certainly doesn't hurt to talk and find out my options in case things keep going this way. Aside from that, I am ready for class to start up again. I want to go back to school, because this summer really hasn't been all that great. I'm also maybe looking to hook up with someone and possibly be in a relationship, which would make things easier for me. I'm just so confused sometimes about what I should do about all of this.
peace out

My Boyfriend Is Better Than Yours!


:: 2006 30 July :: 3.19am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: Matchbox 20-Long Day

A little bit of everything
Well it's work but the money has been really good for out of season since im a bar back. I am still broke as hell though, lacking the abilty to do shit thats needed. A new computer, clothes, fixing my brakes on my car. And financially my bills are only getting higher. I have my moms stroke to thank for all of this financial stuff, but we have survived this far and things look okay enough to maintain the status quo for now. I love the people I work with so that is certainly helping, although the hours suck and I probably wont have a friday or saturday off for the next 5 years. (don't laugh its been 9 months since i've had one).

Well, thanks to all of my grants and hard work in high school its all still getting paid for. Last year i recieved $9600 in financial aid and tuition was like $5000 so i got $4600 back in cash which helped me tremendously to pay the bills. I am ready to go back soo bad. I got 25 credits last year and if all goes well with me taking 14 this semester and 12 in the spring that should put me at 51 credits. I need 120 to graduate so hopefully i get there. I miss soo many people, not that i have many really good friends but just having people to hang out with and talk to helps me deal with everything. I pray i dont feel half as overwhelmed as i did last year because it sucked monkey balls.

Social Life/Relationships
Well neither really exists much, everytime i try and hang out with people its always bullshit or at least many times it is. Like with Adrienne thats kind of how i percieve things to be, as if she doesnt really want to hang out with me and trying to be nice about it. I feel like i cant trust anyone when people do shit like that. I really miss Dee and Yeleni and some of my friends from Cypress because they are all really nice people and i love all of them. I miss other people at FGCU too but being honest, I haven't actually done anything with any of them and i am not really close to anyone there. I go there to get a degree not to make friends, i want to make friends but unforunately i cant go drink and get high every weekend because I actually have responsibilites. Between taking care of my moms stuff and what naturally is mine to deal with i dont have much time and dont feel the need wasting it with a bunch of people who are full of shit anyways. I really want to have a g/f, but i just have to sit tight. I'm thinking about asking someone who gets back in the states in like mid august and i go to school with. I don't really know, i want to hang out with her and see if shes really intrested and stuff. I feel like she might be the one of the maybe half a dozen people who is there for me when shits wrong and who is always sincere to me and understands. Certainly even if we never get together, shes still one of my better friends.

Just Stuff
I have been getting a lot done lately, around the house and otherwise. I cleaned out my closet and cleaned my room, went through all my moms old stuff in her file boxes and shredded what she didnt need which was like everything. I'm trying to get more organized before school starts. Better now when I have time then once school starts.

Plans/thoughts on things
I MIGHT be going to sunsplash wednesday, so if you want to come let me know before hand. So far it's my cousin and this kid i know from the north cape, erik. If you dont have a car i can give you a ride or have erik get you if your in the cape somewhere. You have to be able to pay your own way though, im broke enough as it is and every bit of fun i have, i earn so you should too.
As far as any thoughts i have, if your thinking about trying to play bullshit on me and change plans at the last minute or say your going to do something and not do it, then expect the same from me. I'm sick of trying to be nice to dickheads who are either incompetent or don't have sense enough to realize that im not going to sit around and wait for a phone call all day. If you screw me, i screw you so just be forwarned. My patience is really short with people nowdays, and if you choose to make commitments you can't honor on a regular basis then don't waste your time even talking to me because obviously i dont mean much to you.
With that being said
peace out

My Boyfriend Is Better Than Yours!


:: 2006 28 July :: 12.20am

I just want someone to tell me they love me and have someone who can be what i need them to be. Even a good friend besides carl or andres would do wonders for me right now. I feel so alone.

My Boyfriend Is Better Than Yours!


:: 2006 27 July :: 2.54am

meh......... exercise makes my body hurt. lol

My Boyfriend Is Better Than Yours!


:: 2006 25 July :: 5.53pm

Maybe I, I didn't seem to have a thing left to say
I bottled it far away
Maybe I, I tried too hard to find someone to blame
Maybe it's me who changed
And now, I'm left with nothing again

So what if I lost everything
Would you want me if I was a failure
So what if I lost everything
Would you be there even when I am gone

Maybe I, I didn't seem to give everything away
Not because I needed you to stay, and I
I couldn't face the fears I left far behind
I try to answer every question to why
I'm left with nothing again

So what if I lost everything
Would you want me if I was a failure
So what if I lost everything
Would you be there even when I am gone

Maybe you couldn't see
All the pain inside of me
And now I feel like this was all for nothing
'Cause I'm left with nothing, I'm left with nothing again
So what if I lost everything
Would you want me if I was a failure

So what if I lost everything
Would you want me if I was a failure
So what if I lost everything
Would you be there even when I am gone

So what if I lost everything
Would you want me if I was a failure

My Boyfriend Is Better Than Yours!


:: 2006 24 July :: 1.35am

1. are you missing someone right now?: Yeah
2. are you happy: neither happy nor sad
3. are you talking to anyone right now: no
4. are you bored:Yes and tired
5. are you german: No
6. are you irish: i think some
7. are you french: no
8. are you Italian: no
9. are your parents still married: Nope.
10. are you in love with someone right now: meh, i love someone but they dont love me so go figure

1. hometown: La Belle
2. hair color: Blonde
4. hair style: short/curly
5. eye color: blue
6. shoe size: 9 1/2
7. mood: tired and lonely
8. orientation: straight?
9. available?: in every possible way
10. lefty/righty: Right.

1. have you ever been in love: If you want to call it that
2. do you believe in love: err not exatly
3. why did your last relationship fail: because i didn't want to be with the person i was with and because she talked shit behind my back
4. have you ever been heart broken: always
5. have you ever broken someone's heart?: i dunno
6. have you ever fallen for your best friend: no
7. have you ever liked someone but never told them: All the time lol
8. are you afraid of commitment: No, well yes and no and its complicated and im not sure
9. have you ever kissed someone you liked: once
10. have you ever had a secret admirer: not that i know of

1. love or lust: love
2. hard liquor or beer: liquor
3. night or day: day
4. one night stands or relationships: relationships
5. television or internet: internet
6. pepsi or coke: coke
7. wild night out or romantic night in: romantic night in
8. colored pictures or black and white pictures: colored
9. phone or in person: Person.
10. aim or phone: Phone.

1. been caught sneaking out?: no
2. skinny dipped?:no
3. done something you regret?: Yes.
4. bungee jumped?: No.
5. been on a house boat?: no.
6. finished an entire jaw breaker?: not sure lol
7. wanted someone so badly it hurt?: Yes
8. been caught by your parents with a hickey?: no
9. danced in the rain?: Yes.
10. had a hang over?: Yes.

My Boyfriend Is Better Than Yours!


:: 2006 24 July :: 12.22am

I hear the clock, it's 6 a.m.

I feel so far away from where I've been

I got my eggs, and my pancakes too

I got my maple syrup, everything but you

I break the yolks and make a smiley face

I kinda like it in my brand new place

I wipe the spots off of the mirror

Don't leave the keys in the door

I never put wet towels on the floor anymore 'cause

1-Dreams last so long, even after you're gone

I know, you love me

And soon you will see, you were meant for me

And I was meant for you

I called my momma, she was out for a walk

Consoled a cup of coffee but it didn't wanna talk

So I picked up a paper, it was more bad news

More hearts being broken or people being used

Put on my coat in the pouring rain

I saw a movie it just wasn't the same

'Cause it was happy and I was sad

It made me miss you oh so bad

(repeat 1)

I go about my business, I'm doing fine

Besides, what would I say if I had you on the line

Same old story, not much to say

Hearts are broken every day

I brush my teeth and put the cap back on

I know you hate it, when I leave the light on

I pick up a book, and turn the sheets down

And take a deep breath and a good look around

Put on my pj's and hop into bed

I'm half alive but I feel mostly dead

I try and tell myself it'll be all right

I just shouldn't think anymore tonight

(repeat 1)

You were meant for me and I was meant for you

My Boyfriend Is Better Than Yours!


:: 2006 20 July :: 1.34am

meh, I can't sleep.......... I need a hug and maybe a nice bootycall too.

My Boyfriend Is Better Than Yours!


:: 2006 12 July :: 11.14pm

why do i always feel like jumping off a cliff?

My Boyfriend Is Better Than Yours! | Random Journal