2005 2 April :: 8.19 am
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: I Caught Fire----The Used
god i know what its like to get your heart broken by someone you love now. it hurts even worse than i thought. things were going great with me and daniel. he promised me he would never leave me...and the next day he breaks up with me. he said he still loves me but he doesnt want it to be any harder than it's already gonna be when i move. thats not for 2 or 3 months. he told me he loved me. he made promises to me. he had anthony do it for him. he knows that im still a little pissed at anthony and he has him call me and do it. i cant believe its all over so fast. i cant believe it. i love him. i really do and he said he needs to time to sort his thoughts out...so that what im gonna give him. god this is so hard. he said he did it becase he cares about me. well it doesnt feel like it now. he told brittanie he doesnt want me to get too attached. well you know what...i've been attached for a long time. way before we even started going out. omg. i cant believe this. well im gonna go. i have a crapload of stuff i have to do before my mom gets home.
1 bend & not |
2005 29 March :: 3.03 pm
:: Music: a bunch of overzealous kids screaming their heads off...
yeah im at epicenter right now. its pretty cool. we are all gonna go to the movies in a little while. it should be fun. its wierd...i was reading all of my old entries and omg...it brought back all the feelings from last year. i hate that. omg. im going to amanda's house later. they are having a party and its gonna be super fun. it has to be because i said so. lol. anyways...i dont have much else to say...so im gonna go. ttyl.
2005 24 March :: 10.34 pm
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: Right Here Waiting---Richard Marx
what is going on?!
yeah...well i know what it feels like when people say that they love
someone so much it hurts. its kinda wierd. are you supposed to feel like that when your going out with them though. it wierd. im love him. i
know i do and i know that people are gonna tell me that im not in
love...that im just in lust but i am in love. i know how i feel. its
wierd...i love him and i have never felt like this with someone before
but when im not with him it hurts....if that makes any sense. i dunno.
its a good hurt though. it feels right...i know that that made no sense
what so ever but oh well. heh. there are a million things running through my mind right now and i wish i could put words to them. its wierd. i know i say that a lot but it is. its just wierd. i dunno. its really scary being in love. i have never fallen in love before. it feels like i have totally lost control and that im in free fall. if that makes any sense. its a good loss of control...its just scary. im scared about when i leave. its gonna suck so bad. i dont wanna go. i wanna just stay here. i really wish i had a choice. if i could i would stay here....but i have no say in the matter. i just cannot believe that i actually have to leave. im gonna be 3 thousand miles away and alone. completely alone. yeah it'll be hard for my friends but they at least have ppl around to help them and to fall back on. i dont. all of my friends are gonna go on with their lives like i never existed while im stuck in a new city alone, scared, lost, and friendless. god. i dont wanna do that. its gonna hurt leaving daniel though. i love him so much and i dont want to leave. now that im going out with him i have a whole new motivation. i want to do good, i want to play good in my soccer games (more than before)...i just strive more and work harder because of him. its like i want to do whatever i can to make him proud. its wierd. i never did that with anyone else. i just want him to be proud of me. if you know what i mean. i know that sounds
pathetic. oh well. omg i love the rain. i dont like walking in it at school and stuff...but i love the sound and smell of it. its just so great. i love it when it looks all gray and gloomy outside. omg. and its evern better
when it looks like that outside and its actually raining. oh so great!
hehe. i think its raining right now but im not sure. i cant tell and i dont
feel like looking outside. lol. omg this is hilarious. bowling for soup
singing a britney spears song. lol. anyways that was random. omg i dont want anthony to drift. he is one of my best friends and lately he hasnt been around much. i know he has a lot on his mind and that he needs some time...but i just hope that he doesnt totally leave all of us. that would kill all of us. if he left it would be like a repeat of what happened in 8th grade and god knows brittanie and i couldnt handle
that. we couldnt handle people leaving us again. no no no. we both said we wont let it happen with anthony...but to tell you the truth...if he really wanted to leave there isnt much we could do about it. which
sucks. oh god. you know what...this is gonna sound totally stupid and
really random but right now i feel really safe. im not talking about in my house or anything...im talking about with my friends. last year i felt safe but it was just a false sense of security and it hurt like hell when it all came crashing down...but this year it hasnt done that. its been real. safe. special. if that makes any sense. i know that if i ever needed one of my friends for something they would always be there to help. at east i think so. its wierd because i dont have control over my heart anymore. i left my heart in daniel's hands. im trusting him not to break it. i have never done that with anyone before. im guessing my way through everything so im kinda scared right now. heh. wow its really late and im really tired so im gonna go. now that i totally just made a fool out of myself and got all sappy and actually opened up im gonna go. i dont normally do that. oh crap. anyways ttfn.
2004 10 August :: 6.08 pm
your layout is almost done.. i hope you like it XD
im making your icon right now.
2004 25 July :: 3.19 pm
:: Mood: hurt
:: Music: Christmas by the phone-----GC
im not gonna bother writing about my day. i dont feel like it. if you wanna know what happened just go read britt's. she'll probly write about it there. god this sucks. i pretty much know what it feels like to get your heart broken. and trust me it sucks. god you would think i would be over it and ok now after all that time that has passed...but im not ok. it still hurts. and it wont stop hurting. i mean its not like i was in love or anything...which is why this is all so wierd. we didnt go out or anything...but i still got hurt. i know he didnt mean to...but it still hurts. i told him how i felt too...and when i did it he acted like he didnt hear a thing i said. i havent talked to him for a while. which might be a good thing...but i wanna talk to him. i mean it doesnt hurt all the time...only sometimes. god it hurts so bad...and it wont stop. it doesnt go away. i mean i try so hard not to think of him but i cant sotp myself all the time. i wanna see him and i want everything to be ok. things may be ok with him....but im not ok. any nobody realizes that. i can go a while without it hurting...but then something brings back all the memories and it feels like my heart shatters into a million pieces all over again. i mean i can talk to him sometimes and i'll be fine....its after i get off the phone with him that sucks...thats when it starts hurting again. i just wish it didnt hurt so bad.
2004 19 February :: 3.31 pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: Silver and Cold by AFI
Take Free Advanced Big 30 Personality Test
Advanced Big 30 Personality Test Results
|Sociability |||||||||||||||||||| ||58% |
|Gregariousness |||||||||||||||||||||||||| ||74% |
|Assertiveness |||||||||||||||||||||||||| ||78% |
|Activity Level ||||||||||||||||||||||| ||62% |
|Excitement-Seeking ||||||||||||||||||||||| ||70% |
|Enthusiasm ||||||||||||||||| ||46% |
|Extroversion ||||||||||||||||||||||| ||64% |
|Trust ||||||||||||||||| ||50% |
|Morality ||||||||||||||||| ||46% |
|Altruism ||||||||||||||||||||||| ||70% |
|Cooperation ||||||||||||||||| ||42% |
|Modesty ||||||||||||||||||||||| ||62% |
|Sympathy |||||||||||||||||||||||||| ||78% |
|Friendliness |||||||||||||||||||| ||58% |
|Confidence ||||||||||||||||||||||| ||66% |
|Neatness ||||||||||||||||| ||50% |
|Dutifulness ||||||||||||||||||||||| ||62% |
|Achievement |||||||||||||||||||| ||58% |
|Self-Discipline ||||||||||||||||| ||50% |
|Cautiousness ||||||||||||||||| ||46% |
|Orderliness |||||||||||||||||||| ||55% |
|Anxiety |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| ||82% |
|Volatility ||||||||||||||||||||||| ||70% |
|Depression |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| ||82% |
|Self-Consciousness ||||||||||||||||| ||50% |
|Impulsiveness ||||||||||||||||||||||| ||62% |
|Vulnerability |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| ||82% |
|Emotional Stability ||||||||||| ||29% |
|Imagination |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| ||86% |
|Artistic Interests ||||||||||||||||||||||| ||66% |
|Emotionality |||||||||||||||||||||||||| ||74% |
|Adventurousness ||||||||||||||||||||||| ||62% |
|Intellect ||||||||||||||||||||||| ||62% |
|Liberalism |||||||||||||||||||| ||54% |
|Openmindedness ||||||||||||||||||||||| ||67% |
1 bend & not |
2004 19 January :: 9.43 pm
:: Mood: upset
:: Music: nothing
OMFG ITS THE END OF THE WORLD!!!!!!!!! joel madden...one of the hottest guys on the planet has a girlfriend now...i mean i know i should be happy for him and i should be happy that he's happy...but i just cant. i mean i guess i can be happy for him...a little...but i hate her...whoever she is. i cant believe it...well at least sara and i still have Tony, Benji, and Matt. i hope that joel and his girlfriend break up. i know that sounds mean but i too bad.
2004 19 January :: 9.37 pm
:: Mood: pretty damn good
:: Music: nothing
last night was awesome. the party was great...court was being a stress case but we wont go into that. the band was reat. i hung out with them and stuff while sara and all of them played frisbee with glowsticks. anyways it was great...i got pictures of them and everything. i dont feel like writing all about it...but if u click on the link to 'my friends' and read my friend sara's it explains it all. anyways...g2g. ttyl.
p.s. i need some help coming up with a new e-mail...if u have any idead post them.
2004 17 January :: 9.22 pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: the sound of nemo in the other room
hey...sry i havent updated in a while...i need to blow off some steam and i didnt want to do it all on here (too much typing). yeah brian is making things ten times more difficult then they need to be. thats a LONG story...i wanna call him and just see if we can talk this through but he needs to see that ppl arent always gonna deal with his sh!t. and im not giving in...even though im really worried...about something. yeah for some reason i think danny hates me. i know he talks about me behind my back and i just dont think he likes me very much (as a friend of course). abby is being really snippy and stuff and i wanna strangle her right now...maybe she is PMSing. lol. i think amanda (the nice one not the evil one) got mad at me yesterday becuase i snapped at her...well she was asking me stupid wuestions and asking things that were none of her business and being really rude so of course i snapped at her...and i wasnt in a good mood to start with. you know wut...i know a lot of people would get really upset if i told them this but im gonna right it down anyways. i kinda want to move...but i also dont. i really want to just start over and forget about all the people i dont like and stuff and just start my life over...but i dont want to leave my friends and everything i know. like my friends and stuff like that. anyways well im tired of typing so im gonna go. but ttyl.
1 bend & not |
2004 14 January :: 8.18 pm
:: Mood: mixed emotions
:: Music: i have taking back sunday stuck in my head
hey...these last few days have been reat but bad at the same time. last weekend was boring (except for friday) and this week i have been jam packed with last minute projects i have been assigned and studying for midterms and regular tests. i have also beed dealing with a bunch of other crap. things have gotten worse with brian. he is going out with this girl who i CANNOT stand. she is WAY preppy, shes a poser, looks like a mouse, she is just evil. i hate her. so he is going out with her AGAIN for the third time. but he doesnt really like her so he is gonna break up with her tmrw. and he is depressed because "he loves me and he cant have me." i was just like whatever...he isnt gonna get me. its not my fault i havent fallen for him and i never will. he needs to get a hold of himself..he is just wasting his time. there is something wrong with danny even though he swears there isnt anything wrong but i can so tell that there is. brittanie (is girlfriend) asked him but he swears nothing is wrong....but i have a gut feeling that something is wrong. plus im trying to figure out what to do about this really sweet guy named Craig. he likes me but im not sure if i like him like him. he is perfect (except for one thing...he isnt that cute) but i just dont know if i like him. i dunno what to do. blondie seems to be doing okay....she is still having some problems i think but at least she is doing better...thank god...i hate it when she is depressed. emilee and i havent had a fight in forever...we get along great now. we are going to the skating rink this friday with Ronnie and Jason and Brittanie maybe. if britt cant go then its just us with the guys...hey no complaints there...even though it would be really great if britt could go. i love hanging out with her..she is one of my best friends along with sara and emilee. brian used to be...but i just dont know anymore. then on Saturday i have court's birthday party to go to and then i spending the night at blondie's house!!! yay!!! lol. this weekend is gonna be pretty cool. anyways i got things i gotta do so ttfn.