Was it life that I betrayed for the shape that I'm In? .... It's not hard to fail, not easy to win

 

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Screaming Deciecing and Bleeding for you...

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:: 2004 16 April :: 9.51 pm
:: Mood: hot
:: Music: Hoobastank - The Reason

blah
dude.. i dont know.. im hyper.. and its really hot in here.. and i feel hot.. and just i dont know.. bye

die


:: 2004 15 April :: 7.53 pm
:: Mood: dorky
:: Music: Trapt - Echo ..&.. Hoobastank - The Reason

the subject is... SUBJECT
i love kacey so much, i wanna spend the rest of my life with him.. i just love him...... i just got back from his house.. and on my way home i passed Derricks house.. and Ryan Sam and Derrick and 2 girls where outside and i waved at them.. i was like hellllllo!.. lol yeah.. ummm.. **i found a reason for me, to change who i use to be.. a reason to start over new.. and the reason is youuuuuu, and the reason is youuuuuuuuu, and the reason is youuuuuu, and the reason is youuuuuuuu..** is that even the right words? hmm.. oh well.. i havent wrote in awhile.. hmm.. oh well.. i love this song.. im outta hurrrrrr.. lol... byeeee i love kacey forever, very much!

die


:: 2004 24 March :: 6.40 pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: switchfoot - meant to live ..&.. Yellowcard - ocean avenue

i miss kacey.. yesterday he left for florida.. he will be back on sunday.. but i miss him so much... i hate not being able to see him... during the day im okay.. but before school, at lunch, after school, and at night... is my most "depressant" times of the day.. because thats when i always get to see him and talk to him... oh well.. he will be back soon... i need to go... im sorry i always talk about kc all the time... ME AND WHITEY HAVE A SONG NOW!!!! LOL.. IT IS MEANT TO LIVE!!! WOOT!!!!.. there i talked about someone esle... lol.. cya laterz..

1 --- kill count | die


:: 2004 21 March :: 12.15 pm
:: Mood: mad/angry/upset
:: Music: red hot chili peppers - californication

hey!.. long time no talkie........ i am so mad.. i wanna talk to kacey.. BUT i cant.. because i cant talk on the phone.. Friday i got my class ring.. it finally came in!.. and i love it!.. its so awesome.. god, i love kacey so much.. i hope he never leaves me.. EVER! i miss him.. today we have been going out for 2 months and 2 weeks... i dont know what would happen if i lost him.. i dont know what to say.. cuz all that is on my mind is kacey.. so later!

die


:: 2004 6 March :: 11.52 pm
:: Mood: weird
:: Music: Nickleback - Someday

long time no talk!
chicken!.... tomorrow is me and kaceys 2 month anniversery... last night i got stopped by a cop... i got a warning cuz i forgot about my stupid head lights... i dont know what to say... kacey i love you.. shibby i love you.. chelsea i love you.. bibbs i love you.. anyone else that reads these i love you... lol.... but kacey i love you way way way way way way more than anything.. i love you with all of my heart.. i would do anything for you.. [cheesy huh?] yeah... okay.. bye

die


:: 2004 27 February :: 8.00 pm
:: Mood: angry
:: Music: NIN - Dead Souls

grrr...
i hate anything that has feet and walks and breathes everyday... yeah.... except for my friends.. and my baby!... AHHH! i need quietness! and i need my mother to stop argueing with me... im gonna go up on grand tonight... then im gonna stay the night with laura... fun stuff man!... IM GONNA WATCH A GOOOOOOD MOVIE! HOPE FLOATS!!!! CYA LATER! BYE... chicken

die


:: 2004 27 February :: 12.51 pm
:: Mood: im alright
:: Music: none at the moment..

doobie doobie doo
mrs. pulley just made me print out my song and my "famous" poem... lol... she said they are really good, and that she likes them.. im like.. kewl, i guess.. thanx... lol.. yeah... im really proud of my song though!!! lol.. hmm.. maybe i could like send it to a band and have them sing it for me! lol... but thats just a thought... lol.......... im in a fairly good mood.. HOLY COW! i didnt know there was a picture of CHINGY in here... its right next to my computer too...... its hanging on the wall... wow.. its been there all trimester and im just now realizing it... hmm.. shows you how much i pay attention... i have to pee like no other.... we get out of school in 25 mins... i wish i was smart... this fucking computer pisses me off.. it wont let me send any email to chelsea... damn this computer! i was gonna tell her something too.. but i forgot now... 20 mins now... guess what? [[other person says, I don't know"]] me neither... yeah... thats how bored i am, im haveing "pretend" conversations w/ myself.. but thats normal for me.. oh well.. im gonna go and find something on ebaumsworld.. or just something to laugh at... all i got to do is find a mirror if i really wanted to laugh at something.... lmao!!! im so NONconceident... yeah... i was gonna say inconceident but i dont know if that is a word... so i just put non... lol.. yeah.. im leaving now... ill go find a mirror...... lol... byeeeeeeeee

die


:: 2004 26 February :: 8.32 pm
:: Mood: stressed
:: Music: Audioslave - I Am The Highway ..&.. Metallica - Master Of Puppets ..&.. NIN - Closer

boo.
i have a headache...
i think im gonna type up my poems in here so you guys can read them if you want... 2 of them are poems, 1 of them is a song i wrote.....
***

"Maybe"

I have to fight myself
To get the truth
Pictures of you on my shelf
How many times can I lie to you

You mean nothing to me
And I mean everything to you
Should I stay and lie
Or , should I leave and cry?

Maybe I love you..
Maybe I donít
You love me
Or so you say..

If I told you the truth
Could you handle it?
Maybe it would be better
Or, maybe it wouldnít

You mean nothing to me
And I mean everything to you
Should I stay and lie
Or, should I leave and cry?

Maybe I love you..
Maybe I donít
You love me
Or so you say..

I need to leave and get away
From all the things
I need to know if I love you
I shouldnít lie no more

Its hurting me more than you know
Maybe I need to tell you the truth
I want to start over
I donít want to lie no more

You mean nothing to me
And I mean everything to you
Should I stay and lie
Or, should I leave and cry

Maybe I love you..
Maybe I donít
You love me
Or so you say..

I donít want to lie
I donít want to cry
I donít want to lie
I donít want to cry
NO MORE!

I want to love you
As much as you love me..
Maybe I should have told you
The truth all along..

Maybe I love you..
Maybe I donít
You love me
Or so you say..

***
That one is my song.. i wrote it like the second week in January... I wrote it while i was in fourth hour, i was bored. Me and KaCey were together at the time, and i didnt mean it towards him.. i just wrote it, without thinking...
***

"Cry" date created 12-11-03

I lay here and cry myself to sleep
Even after two months..
It just hows how much my love was!
I miss him so much
I dont only miss him
I miss everything about him
His wonderful smile
His beautiful eyes
The touch of his hand
Why did he have to leave?
No, better yet, why did he leave like he did?
I didnt get to say good-bye,
Now i have to live with that..
I still remember everything..
And i mean every little thing..
like the time he told me he was rereading my ontes i had wrote him..
And how beautiful my eyes were
Why did our first kiss have to be our last?
I told him i loved him..
I truely felt that way, and still do..
I have a feeling he has forgot about me..
Hes everywhere, but the one place he needs to be,
He isn't with me..
I cry not only because i miss him..
But because i didnt get to tell him how i truely felt..
The last time i saw him,
I left like i would've got to see him the next day..
I regret it.. now i know why he hugged me tighter that day..
I remember running towards him as fast as i could..
The look on his face, like he was surprized, was perfect..
He was perfect..
Everytime i make a wish, i wish that i would be able to see him again..
So i can tell him how i truely feel..
Everythime i was with him i felt great!
He made me feel like i ment something to someone..
He made me feel special..
He was always saying how i was different from all the other girls in a good way..
My heart had a heavy feeling evertime i was with him..
He was the first and only guy i have ever cried about..
That day his sister told me he was gone..
My heart fell apart
It felt like i was dieing,
My heart had a horrible pain..
I miss him very much..
When you love someone..
Tell them..
Tell them, before they move away just like Scott did..
Or you will regret it and cry yourself asleep everynight..

***
this is the one about this guy that i thought i was in love with.. but all i have to say right now about him is fuck him...... i hate him now... im so glad i met kacey... kacey is so much better than that #$&#@# yeah... I Love KaCey now... i have NO feelings for whats his face, Scott..........
***

"Do You Feel This Way Too?"

I can't tell you how I feel
When I'm around you
You make my heart still
Do you feel this way too?

I can't tell you how I see
When I'm around you
You're so beautiful to me
Do you feel this way too?

I can't tell you how I hear
When I'm around you
You sound so dear
Do you feel this way too?

I can't tell you how I love
When I'm around you
I soar like a dove
Do you feel this way too?

I can't tell you how I live without you
Everytime you come near
I feel so blue
So tell me, do you feel this way too?

***
that one is the one that I AM FAMOUS for... i hate it though... yeah... i am so famous for it... lol... 30 out of over 1000 got pick to be put on a cd... well i got picked, and i was put in a few books, and i keep getting invited to all these Poetry Convention things for famous poets... and they want me to read mine... i dont know.. its insane!.... lol oh well... that poem sucked! [i think anyways]
***

okay... anyways... that was boring...... im proud of my song..... i dont know...... someone mean will probably take them and publish them and take credit for them... then i will have to kick some ass! guess what? i love kacey... lol... everyone knows that... today i wrote all over his arms... mwahaha.. VICTORY IS MINE! chickenpickle! oh man today at lunch me, kayla, and kacey all went to braums and i was acting funnie... i put gravy in my mouth then spit it out and it made a funnie noise.. it was just... well.. funnie.... lol... yeah..... im bored. Ņ?Ņ?
i hate my mother. she is such a bitch... i really hate her. anyways, change subject cuz i dont wanna talk about that dumb @$#@....................... blah... donno what to say... fuck! now im pissed off.... damn it... i hate being like this.................... i wanna run away and get away from everything and everyone right now... im not gonna say what i usually say, because i dont wanna die...... but i do wanna get away from everything and everyone right at the moment... and for awhile..... i have been getting so stressed out here the past few days.... its unbelievable... CONEHEADS! ronnie just said that... lol.................... Until The Day I Die is now me and KaCey's song... really it is about us... cuz we sometimes feel like we hate eachother... and something else, kacey said it better.... i am cold!.... burrrrr its cold in hurrrr... lol... i wrote "heather was hurrrr today" on kaceys arm and he got mad.... lol........ cuz i put "hurrrr" i wrote alllll over his arms today.......... its was funnie..... im gonna take a HOT bath after while... maybe it will let me relaxe and not be so stressed out....

die


:: 2004 25 February :: 7.03 pm
:: Mood: donno
:: Music: Story of the Year - Until The Day I Die

um........... blah?
Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you, for you
Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you

As years go by
I race the clock with you
But if you died right now
You know that I'd die to
I'd die too

You remind me of the times
When I knew who I was (I was)
But still the second hand will catch us
Like it always does

We'll make the same mistakes
I'll take the fall for you
I hope you need this now
Cause I know I still do

Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you
Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you

Should I bite my tongue?
Until blood soaks my shirt
We'll never fall apart
Tell me why this hurts so much
My hands are at your throat
And I think I hate you
But still we'll say, "remember when"
Just like we always do
Just like we always do

Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you
Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you

Yeah I'd spill my heart
Yeah I'd spill my heart for you

My hands are at your throat
And I think I hate you
We made the same mistakes
Mistakes like friends do

My hands are at your throat
And I think I hate you
We made the same mistakes
Made the same mistakes

Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you, for you

Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you, for you
Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you
Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
Until the day I die



I love this song..... i donno its so awesome.... yeah i just used a big word... wow... it was "uproachously" i was like uhhh... i just used a big word...... lol.... IM A RETARDED RETARD......... **scared looked** i guess anyways... Audie said i was....... how do you pronounce BWWW? hmmm.... i donno........ is this spelled right -- Spahgetti? lol... i wish i could say Aluminium... and Cinnimun... man i dont even know how to spell them, cuz i cant say them.... maybe because im just really werid........ ?? donno..... im cold.. burrrr..... i said burrrrr its cold in hurrrrr.... lol i wish i had a heater in my room......... yeah... OMG! TODAY KACEY LOOKED SO FREAKIN GOOD..... i think he looks really really really REALLY good in color.... or maybe just blue, cuz i have only seen him in blue........ and today he wasnt wearing long sleeves so i saw his arms! wow! so amazing............ lol......... guess what? i downloaded mrs. jackson.... lol... im finally gonna burn that cd i said i was gonna burn a few days back.... tomorrow is our finals... grrrrr... oh well.... tonight i was suppose to go to U-Turn but i was gonna go but then kacey said he cant go.. then kayla was gonna go with me but we just decided not to cuz my dad was asleep and she didnt want to ask.......... so im gonna go next week... sorry guys! i dont know what to say.....my nose hurts? lol.... yeah it does.... oh well... i went to the library today...... and i got a BOOK!!! omg...... me get a book... believe it! cuz i did.... BUT, does that mean im gonna read it? lol...... doubt it..... oh well... im just blabbing.. im gonna leave..............

die


:: 2004 25 February :: 2.12 pm
:: Mood: weird
:: Music: I ACUALLY GOT SOME [music.. lol] its Tishas cd...

blah blah blah CHICKEN
YES ITS THE SONG, SO FRESH AND SO CLEAN CLEAN!!!! lol.... yeah............. i dont know.. i was just talking about it earlier........ weird... i need to hear "Mrs. Jackson" by Outkast, because me and my cousin were singing that this morning.... **goofy look** im in 5th hour right now and im getting irrated because i dont know... i have a 76% in here... damn this teacher..... i hate all my teachers............ i hate all my classes..... and most of all i hate this school! lol yeah......... KaCey didnt come to school today.... what a loser, huh? lol jp..... tonight i will most likely go to U-Turn.... i havent been there in awhile.... i dont even know what to say...... KaCey is a lazy butthead that dont like to come to school so he can come and see the love of his life.... lmao... jp........... im going to go now. bye

die


:: 2004 24 February :: 9.44 pm
:: Mood: Laugh At Anything... kinda mood... lol
:: Music: none... POOFACE!

blah!
ha! just wanted to say something.. so something.. yeah, bye....... lol

die


:: 2004 24 February :: 2.10 pm
:: Mood: Blank/Depressed/Blah
:: Music: none.. although i need some

hmmmm... donno
shelby, no me and kacey arent still fighting.. i dont think anyways [about what i was talking about in past entries].... but we are always fighting/argueing all the time anymore... but we always get over it... or whatever... yesterday was such a great day!........ today.. just sux.... my mood is just blah/blank/depressed... they was laughing at the word Quieff and i just couldnt laugh.. now last night on the other hand i was laughing so hard i about pissed my pants..... [not just cuz of the word, but of everything that happened yesterday]..... i dont know. i think im going to go and acually do my work......... thats how bad it is... i fuckin want to do my work **scared face** wtf!?! lol.... oh well... ill get better as soon as i get out of school.... i think thats the reason.. i just dont want to be here.... oh! and at lunch ronnie gave me a really big hug, and i about started crying.... just cuz i dont know.... i just feel like i dont know...... forget it..... lol..... bye..................

die


:: 2004 23 February :: 2.03 pm
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: none.... I NEED SOME!

kewl.
today has been an alright day...... i have been really calm ever since after lunch... maybe because i got to spend time with my friends........ today in first hour i was just kinda.. lets say, out there.... well kacey is in my first hour and i was still mad at myself... and yeah... well um... something really fucking hiliarious happened... well.. derrick fell out of his chair.. and it was freakin hilarious!!!...... i like snorted when i laughed, it scared me... lol....... but that was towards the end of class and the whole hour i was just in a "blah" kind of mood......... then i just started laughing... anyways..... KACEY LOOKS UNBELIEVEABLY SEXIFIDE TO THE MAX TODAY!!!!! yeah.... but um.... hmm.... today i feel fat for some reason...... i would say im fat.. but if i do there are certain people that will get mad.... so yeah... ill just keep that to myself... my lip feels like its overlapping the other one............. lol........... **WAPLAAAA** lmao!!! [thats an inside joke between me and laura.. and it is freakin hiliarious!] well not so much anymore... i dont think... oh well... im stupid.......... yeah............. im more than stupid............ im... i dont know there isnt a word to describe it *scared face* lol......... nawww im a fucking genuis!!!! hahaha.... YEAH RIGHT!!! i think today another reason i feel so calm is because i wrote a note to kacey and i just was writing things down that was on my mind..... and right now im typing things that are on my mind.... i dont know...... like who the fuck reads my stuff? i mean come on?!?! im a fuckin boring person!.... lol.... um... yeah, im going to leave now... and try and do this stupid assignment that the teacher left us to do while the sub. is here........... so yeah, bye!

1 --- kill count | die


:: 2004 22 February :: 7.35 pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: Nickelback - Someday

AHHHHHH!!!!!
THE VIDEO TO THIS SONG IS REALLY GOOD... YEAH ANYWAYS... I WENT AND SAW KACEY LIKE 2 HOURS AGO........... HE WAS AT JOHNS HOUSE. KAYLA WAS WITH ME. JOHN LIKES KAYLA... GUESS WHAT!?!??! NEVERMIND..... LOL... THAT WILL HAVE TO WAIT..... UNTIL IT REALLY HAPPENS.... LOL....... ANYWAYS.... I DIDNT WANT TO TALK TO KACEY... I WAS GONNA JUST DRIVE OFF WHEN KACEY GOT TO THE CURB... BUT I COULDNT... I LOVE THE GUY TO MUCH... SAD HUH? LOL... OH WELL... UM... I WAS ABOUT TO SAY SOMETHING BUT I FORGOT.... HMMMMM... OH WELL..... IM TO CONFUSED TO CONCENTRATE... CAN YOU TELL? YEAH...... UM..... ANYWAYS......... IM LEAVING....... BYE...........

2 --- kill count | die


:: 2004 22 February :: 2.55 pm
:: Mood: NOTHING
:: Music: SLIPKNOT - LEFT BEHIND

FUCK IT
THIS WILL BE LIKE MY 5TH ENTRY TODAY..... YEAH........... I NEED TO FUCKIN YELL AT SOMEONE OR SOMETHING.... I DIDNT GET TO YELL AT KACEY CUZ MY DAD WAS SITTING IN THE NEXT ROOM........... AND I DIDNT WANT HIM IN HERE TRYING TO GET IN BETWEEN IT....... AND PLUS WHEN I YELL I CUSS BIG TIME......... AND HE WOULD OF CAME IN HERE YELLING AT ME....... THEN I WOULD OF HAD TO MALE SPECIES YELLILNG AT ME..... I JUST WISH SOMEONE WOULD KILL ME RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!! IM BLASTING MY MUSIC RIGHT NOW.......... IM FUCKING PISSED!!!!! I HATE MY LIFE..... BUT IM SURE I HAVE MADE MY POINT CLEAR IN THE OTHER 2 ENTRIES..... SO YEAH...................................... IM PISSED!

die


:: 2004 22 February :: 2.33 pm
:: Mood: pissed off

I HATE MYSELF!!!
I WANNA DIE.... I WANNA DIE.... I WANNA DIE.... I WANNA DIE.... I WANNA DIE.... I WANNA DIE.... I WANNA DIE.... I WANNA DIE.... I WANNA DIE.... I WANNA DIE.... I WANNA DIE.... I WANNA DIE.... I WANNA DIE.... I WANNA DIE.... I WANNA DIE.... I WANNA DIE.... I WANNA DIE.... I WANNA DIE.... I FUCKING WANT TO DIE....

die


:: 2004 22 February :: 2.20 pm
:: Mood: depressed

kacey
I HATE KACEY RIGHT NOW!!!!!!! I HATE MYSELF...... I HATE LIFE!!!!!!!!!!! I WISH I WAS DEAD........... SOMEONE KILL ME PLEASE.................................

die


:: 2004 22 February :: 1.00 pm
:: Mood: hot
:: Music: Lost Prophets - Last Train Home ..&.. Chingy - One Call Away

.........
i miss kacey.........

i just got out of the shower...... i feel so fresh and so clean clean..... lol... but its really hot in hurrrr..... anyways.... today me and kayla are gonna go and get my pictures developed FINALLY!!!!... and then i might go see sam and say hi, i havent see that boy in along time!... then hopefully by then kacey will be home........ i need to make a cd.... hmmm... i think i will do that...

die


:: 2004 22 February :: 2.29 am
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: Eamon - Fuck It (I Don't Want You Back) ..&.. Maroon 5 - This Love ..&.. Blink 182 - I Miss You

KaCey.......
i love kacey... i really do... i dont ever want to lose him EVER!!!...... i wrote something about him/for him... i dont think i want to give it to him... but ill put it on here...........

Close your eyes and think of me.... What am I doing? How am I standing? What are my facial expressions? *** I Love You!!! *** I use to never think I would cry over a guy.. I never thought I'd find a guy so right for me.. I never thought I'd find a guy that would fall in love with me.. When I met you I felt something good.. and I still feel it........ When you are sad, I am sad... When you are happy, that makes me happy.. To see you smile, it brightens my day.. To hear your laughter, it makes me feel warm inside.. To feel your fingertips, brings chills to my body.. If I could spend the rest of my life with you I'd be happy.. I don't want to see you in pain, it puts me in pain.. I would do anything for you! KaCey, I love you VERY MUCH!!! I will always love you.. till the very end of my life.... -Heather Stewart '04 Feb. 22.......

what do you think? i dont like it that much.. i dont want to give it to him because its crappy.. but i will probably end up giving it to him anyways... alot has happened today... just know that i love kacey VERY MUCH!!! i dont think anything could ever come between our love..... i hope to god nothing ever does............... oh and bibbs i read your entries... thats kewl that you like was in love with kacey... i found it quite funny last night... dont worry im not the jealous type so you can like him allllllll you want... but yeah anyways.... i dont even know if you still like him.. but if you do... kewl!.. go ahead like him!........ im gonna go...

die


:: 2004 20 February :: 9.54 pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: Maroon 5 - This Love

um...
well... um... yeah.... i dont really have anything to say.. cuz im just here.. im like worried.. me and kacey were fighting all day long.. and i even cried [kinda, not alot though] it was weird.. cuz i dont know.. i was being a bitch today.. i yelled at him.. and yeah.. but umm.. im confused kinda right now.. he said he will always love me and no matter what he wont stop loving me.. and im just like okay.. because i have heard that so many times from other guys that said they loved me but they turned around and hurt me and i told kacey about that and he said that he will never do that... but i was still like okay..... lol... yeah.. um.... i dont know

die

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