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just another day in the life of a loser

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:: 2005 3 January :: 6.02 pm
:: Mood: anxious

every time i go to update my journal, i type.. and i type.. and i type.. then i get to the point where i've said all i want to say and i think, oh, this is retarded, and it never gets updated.. only the small, irrelevent comments that nobody cares about get in..


1 mind fragment | leave a piece of your mind

:: 2004 28 December :: 1.29 pm
:: Mood: discouraged

and i wonder how i never got the burn. if i'm ever gonna learn how lonely people make life.

leave a piece of your mind

:: 2004 10 November :: 8.13 pm

a turkey testicle festival..

beer, turkey testes, illinois.

sounds tasty?

2 mind fragments | leave a piece of your mind

:: 2004 22 September :: 8.42 pm
:: Mood: tired

it's been a looong week already. fortunately, it's half over and the rest of the week should go fairly smoothly. i worked 53 hours last week AND tomorrow is payday. yay! i have most of my work week this week under my belt, after having worked ALL DAY the past three days. the next three days are "one job only" days. it looks like i'll get to pick up more hours at the paper starting in october, which means, of course, i'll cut back at oberweis. this doesn't bother me a bit. i'll be making more and at a far less stressful job.

speaking of stressful jobs, we just hired a new guy who started this week. i haven't met him yet, but he's closing with me on friday night. i hope and pray and hope some more that he is at least a decent worker, if not a phenomenal one.

...who am i kidding?

oh well, we'll see.

leave a piece of your mind

:: 2004 12 September :: 10.39 pm

so.. i'm going to europe. with billy. november 29th-december 9th. everybody keeps telling me it's a mistake and something is going to happen, but i think all will go well. i'm excited to go. it'll be nice to get away.. and not work.. and be in europe for the first time ever. despite my high school reputation, i am NOT a boyfriend stealer. i do not intend or expect anything to happen that could damage his current relationship and frankly, i think this situation could only be made awkward if we make it awkward, which we're not going to.

other than that, the social situation hasn't really been getting any better. i don't have the time or the knowhow to get out and meet new people and it seems like everyone that i do meet is so caught up in their lives that they haven't got the room for a new friend. in fact, other than my roommate and lucy, the only people that seem to really want to spend time with me are people that want to hook up with me and it's just not something i can do right now.

so things have been a little depressing around here lately. i'm always tired and stressed. i work too much at jobs that don't give me a sense of accomplishment at all. and when i have some free time here or there it seems like the people i make plans with either bale on me or kiss me. both of which can be discouraging.

ultimately, i feel alone. my biggest fear is near reality and i'm trying to overcome it, but it's so damn difficult.

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:: 2004 25 August :: 9.05 pm
:: Mood: tired

"sometimes it's hard to tell the wishing from the well."

karen needs a vacation and england is looking pretty damn good. with my job situation up in the air as it is, i just don't know that i could feasibly do it. i can easily afford it, considering it would be late november/early december and my holiday money comes on my paycheck in october.. and it would be fun to do some Christmas shopping over there.. i just don't know if i have the time. or if i will have the time. blah. i hate not being able to plan for anything.

in other news.. there really isn't any other news. i gave my bird a bath today, i decided i don't like paul hamm very much, people are still idiots, and i'm hungry.

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:: 2004 17 August :: 6.35 pm
:: Mood: tired

i'll never understand why people drag their feet when they're hiring someone. obviously, the reason they're hiring for a position is because it needs to be filled, so why drag the process out for months? just interview, find your man, and get on with it. hiring someone is a very timely and extremely costly process. i know it's a pain in the ass, but they really can make it easier on themselves. besides, people don't like hearing, "oh it'll be a couple weeks." and then hearing a few weeks later, "oh it'll be a couple more weeks." and so on and so forth. besides, who wants to deal with candidates calling all the time? so hurry up! please?

3 mind fragments | leave a piece of your mind

:: 2004 4 August :: 8.51 pm

i should really start updating more often. everything just seems like such a blur. i feel like i update more than i actually do, does that make sense?

anyways, yes, we took jim to the lake. it was fun, we caught lots of fish, had a fish fry, and made fun of jim. jim's a british guy who has never been fishing, or boating, or on a seadoo, or made a smore, or roasted a marshmallow over an open fire. he was like our little love child the whole weekend. teaching him how to do stuff, and cooking for him and all that. we even lost him at the grocery store, and then dustin and i argued with each other about who was supposed to be watching him... yeah.

in other news, i'm still working a lot at my two jobs. i don't know what i'm going to do. still looking around, but the lack of printer at home has left me procrastinating on my resume. i'm so lazy when i'm not working my ass off.

american idol auditions are coming to my city this weekend. part of me wants to audition, but it doesn't seem worth it. they allow you to line up starting saturday at 6am and you have to be in line by sunday at 8am or you won't be auditioned, and even then you aren't guaranteed an audition. not to mention the show is so completely fixated on how they're going to get ratings that it isn't really even a talent competition. i don't have time and i don't think i'd get far anyways. especially not among the predicted 10,000 people in line.

so that's the news for today. i can't believe it's august already. what am i doing with my life?

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:: 2004 11 July :: 10.22 pm

so, i suppose a lot has happened since my last entry. i've just been so damn tired and stressed out, i couldn't even write about it.

well, i managed to squeeze enough time out of my week to see brett for three whole hours spread out over two days. sad, but atleast i got to see him. i'm looking for an opportunity to go visit him in cali soon.. though i'm not quite sure how that is going to work out.. i just need a break.

last week saturday (the 3rd?) a very irate coworker yelled at me or as the members of authority put it "bullied me" and threatened to kick my ass over something that she thought i did. the funny thing is, not only did i not do it, SHE did it. i was doing my job, and she was attempting to steal credit, which probably would not have been caught had she not accused me of stealing her credit. so i reported it because after a long week of work on a saturday morning, you don't want to deal with a large bitch yelling at you for no reason inbetween the angry phone calls coming in. so tuesday i had to go and talk to this person.. then that person.. then another person with this person.. and then those people.. and blah blah blah. then wednesday i had to go talk to another person with other people and give a statement. so the large bitch has been fired because basically, her story didn't hold up against mine and the statements given by my two witnesses. needless to say, nobody misses her. i felt a little bad about it, because i didn't want to get her fired, i just wanted her taken off of my shifts that she recently picked up. but then i decided, i don't give a shit. she acted ridiculous and it's nobody's fault but hers.

in other work-related news, i got a raise, but my night differential was taken away. so my hourly rate was raised 29 cents, but i'm not getting my extra 10% like i was before. also, my health insurance nearly tripled. yep. i was paying $96 a month and starting this month, i'm paying $263. i don't go to the doctor enough to make that worth it. and i still haven't heard about this other job i've been wanting. i called and they said they wouldn't be making their decision for about another week or so. i'm looking for other options. i'm exhausted of both places, the paper especially though. it's all the same bull shit over and over again, and my checks are getting smaller and smaller. i can't use any of my vacation or personal days because kathy won't replace julie to help cover the evening shift, so she can't afford to not have me there, i feel like i'll never get switched to day side like she promised me twice and let me down twice, my bonus plan is shit compared to dayside and is mostly based on extra work that i haven't been able to do since julie quit, and i'm just absolutely fed up with it all. my boss is a moron. period. there's more shit to be said about her antics, but this journal entry is long enough.

on the plus side, i have friday and saturday off. my boss at oberweis cares about me and scheduled those off for me without me even asking, so i think we're going to take jim to the lake. i have a feeling this week is going to be much better than last week.

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:: 2004 30 June :: 9.10 pm
:: Mood: exhausted

countin' down the days..

so i was just sitting here thinking "hmm.. tomorrow is the first.. rent is due.." when i realized "oh my god! tomorrow is july 1st!" brett will be in town tuesday and i'm so excited. i've been waiting two months! i've just been so busy lately that i forgot. but yea! yay!

also, next week, not only do i get to see brett, but i find out about this job i want so badly. kathy and i were in the bathroom today and she was asking me how nights were, and then she just throws it at me that she's not hiring anybody right now to replace julie. so yea, how shitty is that? one person on this shift is NOT ENOUGH, YOU DUMB FUCKING WHORE. stop worrying so much about your stupid fucking girl scouts and do your job.

okay, i'm done ranting. hopefully, i won't have to deal with it anymore, and we'll see what becomes of the night shift then.

only working 29 hours next week at oberweis plus my 20 at the paper. things are getting a little better?

1 mind fragment | leave a piece of your mind

:: 2004 28 June :: 6.45 pm
:: Mood: exhausted

i never realized how skeptical people are before i worked at the paper. if they can't get their way, they think we're lying to them. they double check, they repeat what you say as a question, they repeat what you say as a question again, they get angry, they hang up, they call back pretending to be someone else checking on the same thing.. it's annoying..

or maybe i'm just tired..

i had a long weekend, but it was fun. i went to the lake saturday and sunday. did some fishing, got some sun, ate s'mores. we're trying to work things out so we can go again this coming weekend. i just need to play around with my schedule at oberweis. it'd be nice to find someone to cover my shift on saturday. i already have sunday off and i have monday off at the paper because i guess that's their make up day for the holiday. we're hoping to take the british kids down saturday and come back tuesday morning.. but we'll see how that goes. a little trip would be exactly what i'm gonna need at the end of this week, so i hope everything works out.

anyways, i think that's all i've got.. my mouth still hurts.. i hate cleaning out the holes.. yep.

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:: 2004 26 June :: 12.31 pm
:: Mood: Other

so my mouth feels much better, still aches a little here and there and i can't eat things like carrots yet, as i ridiculously attempted the other day.. they gave me a syringe though, and i have to fill it with warm water, stick in it the holes and rinse them out once a day for the next 6-8 weeks. not only is it not fun, it's disgusting.

in other news, i screwed myself for next week. i'm working 41 hours at oberweis and 20 hours at the paper. the store manager at the kirkwood store quit, so the assistant manager at the ballwin store got promoted and now the ballwin store only has the store manager and a shift manager for running all of their shifts, so they've been calling in help from other stores, though for one reason or another they've only found two people willing to travel down there. myself, and krystal from the kirkwood store. so geri, my boss at the creve coeur store, scheduled me to work one day at ballwin next week and three days at our store. then pat talked to me because she needed me to do one more day at her store. so she talked to geri and they worked it out and i told her that working five days was fine. so then thursday night, dan, the district manager calls my cell phone and wants me to work another day at the ballwin store because they have nobody to cover the shift. i tried explaining i already had 34 hours and another job, and he pushed and pushed until finally i gave in. so yes, it's my fault. but, i'm still going to bitch about it. i was mad with dan before this and now i'm just frustrated that they can't find anybody else in the whole 4 other stores to help out. oberweis is a very frustrating company. hopefully i'll be quitting soon because...

i had a job interview on wednesday! i applied to be a news aide, which would pay much better than my current job here at the paper and it's full time. i really, really, really want this job. my health insurance would be cheaper, i wouldn't have to deal with the bullshit in this office or at the ice cream store, i'd be making more money and working fewer hours, i'd have my weekends free, it'd be great experience and i'd get to work with the different departments, i could go back to school in the fall, i could do theatre if i wanted... sigh.. though i can't say i'd be terribly disappointed if i didn't get it.. i would be sad, but there's another opportunity opening soon that would give me many of the same benefits..

well, i find out in a week and a half.

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:: 2004 19 June :: 10.14 pm
:: Mood: tired

so i am feeling slightly better.
okay, it still hurts to talk.. and i can't chew yet...
but oh man, percocet is great.
tomorrow is the first day i go back to work at either of the jobs.. so we'll see how that goes. i told my boss tonight i should be okay as long as i don't have to talk a lot.. then she looked at the schedule and realized she forgot to give me a morning person.. so yes, wonderful. tomorrow should be interesting.

dustin and i just watched this movie called "down with igby".. interesting movie. in spite of some poor reviews i've just read, i liked it. good acting, decent story, clever characters. some not as well rounded as the others, but good nonetheless.

anyways, it's good to be home. i missed the apartment. it seems like a long time since i'd been here. though, i did kind of lose track of time sleeping for five days. i'm sorry to anyone who has to get their wisdom teeth out in the future. right before i fell asleep.. the nurse said "it'll be okay honey. this is the easiest part." and she was right. having the teeth actually removed was the easiest part. getting back to chewing and all that good stuff is proving to be quite difficult.

sigh.. i'm gonna eat so much when i can chew again.

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:: 2004 16 June :: 7.15 pm
:: Mood: ill

holy wow, my face hurts.

tuesday morning i had all my wisdom teeth taken out. the nurse was right when she assured me right before they put me to sleep that that was the easiest part. the IV being put in was the last thing i actually remember before coming back to lucy's afterwards. last night i freaked out because i forgot to call my mom and let her know everything went okay, and lucy was like "we called her this morning. you talked to her. don't you remember?" and she kept talking about how funny i was all drugged up. i suppose i'm better off not remembering any of it.

oh, so it turns out, not only do the pain pills they gave me not work very well, they also make me throw up. how convenient. so, the choice is either a lot of pain and no puking, or a moderate amount of pain and puking. looks like i'm going with the a lot of pain and no puking. i swore i was going to rip out some stitches last night when i was throwing up everything i'd so difficultly managed to swallow. i never realized how much effort it takes to swallow before.

anyways, i'm still at lucy's.. hopefully i'll feel well enough to go home tomorrow. i am definately ready to be laying in my own bed, though i can't complain about the service here. lucy and rich have been so great.

i think i am gonna try to sleep more now. yea. sleep sounds good.

1 mind fragment | leave a piece of your mind

:: 2004 14 June :: 12.48 am
:: Mood: unsettled

and now the real world has stripped you of your royalties, and from your kingdom you're evicted.

it seemed like a long weekend, but now it's just a flash.

i got home tonight and it felt almost as though i'd never left.. as if i dreamed everything that happened.
and now i'm here.
and things are back to ''normal''
i have to be to work at 8 and i can't sleep even though i'm absolutely exhausted. i got very little sleep this weekend. too much to do, too many people to see. too many people i wanted to see more of.

it wasn't long enough.
i wanted more.
we should've had more time.

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