2010 21 January :: 5.24 pm
I miss you. And people make me sick.
2010 21 January :: 4.41 pm
I hope you revisit our past and hold onto something to last us in the future.
2010 21 January :: 11.51 am
:: Mood: bouncy
:: Music: Sweet chaos of college-student angst.
This bloody cough
I can't seem to kick this cold. At least i'm not suffering from the fever part of it anymore
But then again, it's only been a day or so since my last fever.
I am so cold it's hard to breathe.
Well not really.
It's just hard to type, or get warm.
I'm sitting in the middle of my student cafe I guess, and there are these two people sitting at my table seated for five.
I need to get gloves...but a kind of glove that makes me not feel so desensitized to touch, but still keeps my hands warm.
I've gotten rid of all the distractions in my life, and cut off some ties to some people, not just one, and I think this clearing of my head will be good.
I can just focus on school and things in my immediate line of view.
I still love you though. I promise.
2010 20 January :: 4.57 pm
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: Cardigan Weather-Meg & Dia
It's taken me a great part of the day, but I've managed to read and delete all my past journal entries.
God...Reading them makes me hate myself, and give mad props to those who chose to stick around.
I was a disgusting creature.
Super attention craving, addicted to everything, everyone, I fed off of my own illness to be more sick.
And so, now comes the regret of...life.
Sorry to all of you who won't read this and who knew me back in '03-'06.
I was a wreck. and an awful one at that.
An awful wreck.
So...I'm sorry. I hope my sorrow reaches all of you who I don't talk to anymore...And I hope you feel it and recognize it well.
I can't stop thinking about you today.
Reading my journal entries makes it even worse.
So...To You especially, I am sorry.
I feel like I'm losing you again.
And it sucks.
Listening to an old song I used to love made me...hurt.
2010 20 January :: 10.58 am
:: Music: Can't get you off my mind-Lenny Kravitz
Someone came over last night and was telling my father and I a story about her life.
She was telling her tale of marriage, and how her marriage lasted twenty years, of true devotion.
And she didn't want to give up.
So she came to a crossroads in her life, and asked herself what she should do.
Her husband wasn't been that at all, he cheated and lied and decieved. The classic case.
So she was telling how he left. One night, she talked to him, and said "I want whatever God wants for us...And if that's to separate, then so be it."
and the very next morning he left.
She was devastated.
But she was telling us, how she would look at her old pictures from her marriage, and she'd feel bad for the person she was looking at.
She'd have sorrow for that woman, the one trapped in an unhappy marriage.
It was hard, so hard to let him go. Twenty years is a long time.
But she said she's happier.
That woman is insightful.
I've been thinking a lot about her lately.
Even though that was just last night I heard her story.
But I've been dwelling on it for quite some time.
The only reason I write in this journal is because I feel a bit more connected to my past than I was before.
In some way or another.
I think...When I stop writing in it, I'll sever the connections forever.
I don't want to. Not at all.
2010 19 January :: 4.50 pm
:: Mood: accomplished
:: Music: Some crappy starbucks jingle.
Life in general
I think I'm gonna start updating this thing religiously.
Even though I have to be careful with my laptop.
I dropped it today, because of my stupid backpack strap!
It's cool though.
I think these next couple weeks are going to be stellar.
I keep looking at my pictures, remembering the one guy I love has yet to see me in my essence with brown eyes.
Dearest love, here is a link to some pictures.
I hope you enjoy. I'm not as bad as I thought I was.
I have to pee.
I just demolished a sub.
It was so delicious.
I like writing in journals. It;'s healthy.
Anyways. I'm going home.
I hope that dumb guy I love calls me tonight.
Because I might not call himmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Paper due thursday.
2010 19 January :: 12.16 pm
:: Mood: amused
It's been clinically proven that some cases have arisen in psychological studies that people who have seen the movie "Avatar" have been diagnosed and are dealing with severe cases of depression.
And I quote..."James Cameron's completely immersive spectacle "Avatar" may have been a little too real for some fans who say they have experienced depression and suicidal thoughts after seeing the film because they long to enjoy the beauty of the alien world Pandora."
Our society is doomed.
2010 19 January :: 9.04 am
:: Mood: calm
With some artistic inspiration, I've found my muse again...
Even though that sentence was kinda backwards.
I am freezing.
I can't feel my fingers, and every attempt to make my legs stop hurting is futile.
What's wrong with me?
Today started off kinda bad.
This morning I was supposed to use my father's truck and take it to the bus stop and leave it there. And then supposed to take the bus to school, but alas, I didn't wake up to my alarm clock, but I successfully got ready, with shower, in ten minutes. High five.
And my dad was running late also, blaming it all on me (Of course!) and was yelling profusely all morning, I ended up missing the bus, my dad tried to chase it down with his truck, and he stopped right in front of the bus on a main highway and the bus driver didn't care. I got out and tried to wave him down, but he ignored my attempts to be saved JIT, and I ended up soaked in the rain walking across a busy highway to get back into my dad's truck.
I was cool through it all.
At first I wanted to scream, mostly at my dad, but then I was ok.
I figured I'd just take the next bus into town, which came at 9, takes an hour to get to my school, so I'd miss my first class. Which I was fine with, because I thought I'd be missing one of my due dates for an assignment, but I found out that it's not due until the 28th, hoo-feckin-ray.
And the study guide I need isn't due until the end of the year.
I feel like i was saved by the...angry dad?
But it turns out my dad was looking for an excuse to be late to work, good employer's award be delivered to Patterson, california, and so he said "I'll just take you to school."
So...He gave me a ride to school, totally unexpected. And he seemed he was cooled off on the ride there. Which everyone in the world could benefit from.
He was joking and what-knot.
I'm glad he was chill.
I think I'm going to apologize to him just for good measure.
that will make him feel bad.
I hope my fingers warm up after a while...I don't think I could successfully write anything in my psych class.
It's that much harder to type.
It's taken me twice as long to write this because I keep having to go back and correct my spelling errors.
People make me sick.
I am looking at my student body, and disgust is the number one feeling I have regarding them.
I told my friend Donald that I hated my whole entire student body.
I don't think that idea is too far fetched.
I have 15 minutes to get to my first class, so I better be doing that.
Ah I need to catch up on my assignments, ALREADY.
It's literally the 3rd day of school.
I'll make it.
You won't have to share me, I'm yours for the taking.
2010 19 January :: 8.20 am
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: the Test-A Classic Crime
This song makes me think...
"All I can think of is how much I'd kill to be sleeping.
I'm squinting my eyes, my mind's drifting to secrets I'm keeping.
And the long-hauling trucks are all parked in their stops, just like...
luminous ghosts of something that once was.
The riggs look to empty when framed by their lies.
And that's what I'm feeling...
So here's to the promise of glamorous living.
You must drink up now cuz that's all that you're getting, If you
Haven't been tested, you certainly will.
And I promise, it's going to kill."
I wrote a long drawn out journal entry, but woohu messed it up.
I'll write one later.
2003 20 September :: 11.02 am
:: Mood: quixotic
:: Music: Ashanti (dunno what song)
what does this mean?
what does quixotic mean?? is that a word? who uses that word? smart ppl or ppl who just kno what that means??? can anyone answer these questions?? i dunno! am i just talkin to the air? or the keyboard! i like this jounal thing! it is so awesomely cool! idf that is a word! i feel like a blonde! im talkin to my friends online and i am sayin stupid stuff, this guy names josh said he is goin to ID i said idaho right? or that is the only i state he said well there is also illinois iowa and indiana, im like........i feel blonde lol well n e who enough about me, well actually it isnt concidering this is my journal! r u supposed to act like ur talkin to someone or just writin what happened this week or day or something? i dunno! my tummy hurts real bad! its not cool! how does ur tummy feel when it hurts?? mine hurts like the dickens....haha! well i ought to be goin
i went to the football game! we lost :-( 25 to 15! it sux! me and my friend amanda were havin so much fun, we were cheerin for the football team and at the half time, the band played and we cheered for our buddies in the band (shoutout to james!!) and i dressed in school colored knee socks and everything it was so pimp! i got so many compliments! hehe and i saw this guy whjo i havent seen in forever! it was good to see him sincd he dont go to our school n e more :-( i used to have a thing for him hehehe well i ought to be goin now later!
Luv ya artie!
Go vikings!! (try to win vikings!!)
2 Of Those |