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Through Shallow Seas We Sail

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:: 2015 7 January :: 3.40am
:: Mood: morose
:: Music: Maniacs - Violence

It's late, can't sleep, everything sucks; business as usual.

Wife has requested that I don't ask her for sex for a few days, and it is a reasonable request, but sent me storming off the living room before she fell asleep to fume and sulk. Selfish prick, much? Indeed. But it was a bad day, and my typical fiendish disposition ruined the night previous, and it seems to carried over to tonight.

Garden variety feelings of worthlessness snowballed from the afternoon until coming to a head after work, and Liz went about the evening as always, and I was upset that she wasn't as sympathetic as I would have liked her to have been. But in the same breathe, I didn't want to be coddled because it's not her duty to be a 24/7 cheerleader whenever I scrape my knee (in the half-assed figurative sense).

There were some other minor incidents that pushed fomenting teenage angst into full-on grownup tantrum, but those details are too embarrassing, even for the internet. Consider yourself spared. But they struck a nerve, and now I'm pissed off, mildly chilly, and alone in a dark room ranting via a keyboard.

If I were born with a sufficient amount of testosterone, I'd just go out and hit another male, but I wasn't, so I'll sulk like a wee boy.


Who Judged.


:: 2015 7 January :: 12.21am

Who Judged.


:: 2014 30 December :: 11.27pm

Who Judged.


:: 2014 29 December :: 5.49pm
:: Music: Crude SS - Respect the Earth

At the local Chinese restaurant for an post-arbeit snack with wifey.

This isn't Facebook, but I figured a few photos from time to time wouldn't hurt anything, since finding a moment to bitch and moan about how awful things are is rather time consuming.

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At the Mid-Pinellas Comic Con with my Little Family

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Yet another fucking wedding day photo.

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I am pleased with how life has turned out this year.

3 Of Those | Who Judged.


:: 2014 18 December :: 1.44am

Without much effort, I've given myself a new image at work that gets picked up by the younger set and people in the know.

This is what they see...

However, the reality is...

It's a barrel of monkeys to have some poor fool ask me if I'm a Nazi because of some of the patches on my jacket, and they're misleading appearance to people who led sheltered (uncultured) lives, even after a lapse of three or four years.

Who Judged.


:: 2014 9 December :: 2.37am
:: Mood: recumbent

I've decided I'm going to be a skinhead again. The other skinheads aren't going to like this, because I have a corporate gig, albeit with a low pay grade.

So I suppose it's going to be suspenders and boots, religious head shaving, and the whole shebang, sans fist-fights and a laborer's gig. I'm preparing to be ostracized by the other fellows, but fuck 'em, they're probably not going to notice that which does not go into the outside world for leisure very often.

Who Judged.


:: 2014 5 December :: 2.40am
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: Cruachan - Brian Boru

My birthday was an abject failure, but that was to be expected.

I had to work, but I left early, and for one reason or another, it felt longer than a typical eight hour day. Hmm...puzzling.

No one hung out, and I felt like a bag of wet shite from beginning to end, but there was a positive twist, you see. My wife and I discovered that we can shag to climax in under a minute.

Light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak, with a brief exchange of bodily fluids.


Who Judged.


:: 2014 2 December :: 4.00am

According to my wife, all the bad things that happened to me could have been worse, and I had a good life.

According to me, I'm worth nothing, nobody will remember me when I'm dead, and I've have less sexual partners than a virgin.

She also believes that art is for art's sake, and you should enjoy doing it. I believe that art is a weapon you use against normal people to assert your superiority over them, while making them pay you for your superiority as well as making people love you for being superior.

But I suppose I'm wrong about that, as well.

Life is about being better than other people, and reminding them of that through your deeds and accomplishments.

She'll never understand why I need to kill myself after I turn thirty.

3 Of Those | Who Judged.


:: 2014 22 November :: 6.57pm

This song reminds me of Liz, and every time it plays on the ride home from work I feel grateful to have her, and feel quite the spoiled and grumpy arsehole for not appreciating her in the manner she deserves.

Who Judged.


:: 2014 15 November :: 2.57am

People wonder why I have a desperate need to achieve greatness...well, allow John Entwistle to elaborate on my behalf:

Who Judged.


:: 2014 15 November :: 2.56am

Who Judged.


:: 2014 4 November :: 12.27am
:: Mood: lonely
:: Music: Adrian von Ziegler - Let Me Fade

Things are going swell, but I'm still beset by that teenage feeling comparable to thinking I'll die a virgin.

You know that hopeless "I suck" mentally? That's the one.

I'm going to tighten by boot straps and force myself to rule at life, or I'm going to disintegrate and vanish from the hearts and minds of men...oh, wait...well ahead of myself.

Time to remind them who is King.

Who Judged.


:: 2014 2 November :: 2.16am
:: Mood: lethargic
:: Music: Darkthrone - Under a Funeral Moon

Halloween went well. Lovey and I got dressed up, and I slam-danced at a punk rock cover show - and wound up misplacing my wife and carrying a dead dove home.

Life is strange.

Who Judged.


:: 2014 19 October :: 5.41am
:: Mood: gloomy
:: Music: Tangerine Dream - Genesis

Fuckin' tired. Haven't slept a wink, and probably won't because my stepson will be awake in a couple of hours (if not sooner), and this is virtually all the free-time I can look forward to in the foreseeable future.

Flat broke, and didn't have the necessary funds to get myself a new pair of boots and suspenders this pay period; probably won't be able to next round, either, but that's life. With a little polish and Gorilla Glue my current boots will last as long as they need to, but are showing obviously signs that retirement is imminent.

Since I'll probably get an hour of sleep during the day (if I'm lucky), I bet my bottom dollar that I won't even make my long-sought trip to Wilson's Book Store tomorrow.

I have a theory (no mere hypothesis) that maturity is the natural result of your soul being ground down into a fine powder from years of stifling humdrum. That's why older heads don't have many interests or hobbies, and focus solely on their troubles and everyday inanities.

All in all, I love my life as it is, but wish that I didn't feel so damned old and worn. I wish I had more time and money to do something that was stimulating and fun that my loved ones could participate in without being bored. I wish a lot of things, et cetera, but that's not how things work.

3 Of Those | Who Judged.


:: 2014 11 October :: 11.51pm
:: Mood: stressed
:: Music: A Forest of Stars - Gatherer of the Pure

Had a whole entry nearly completed, and the computer fucked up.

This has been a rotten day.

Woke up far too early because we have the baby for the weekend, and his sleep schedule is wonky because he's been away too long.

The renovations on the building commenced too early for my liking, and annoyed me while in a foul early-morning mood while looking after the baby, and the cat and dog got into it, and my nerves began to feel raw.

The dog, who also recently joined our household, snapped at the baby for some fucking reason, then snapped at my mother-in-law, and now he's returning to my mom's house.

I did a few minor jobs for my mom while she toiled away at some menial, degrading job because I had blown her off for a while, and she's too old and enfeebled to do it herself, and the only other help available to her requires her to pay someone. Got that shit done, but got scratched and dinged up doing it. Even more pissed off. Plus, I had to walk to her house in the Floridian sun, and walking + heat = nightmarish introspection.

So....now I see myself as having to sacrifice whatever interests and little things I have left to make my present life function; my wife is probably questioning having married me because apparently I'm overly negative, not to mention childish with a tendency to procrastinate.

My dog is going away, I'm bummed out. My weekend is no longer a weekend...I'm bummed out. I'm happy the baby is back, but I'm not happy about being poor and not being able to have a night where I decide for myself when I go to bed, and a morning where I can leisurely choose precisely when to wake up. My mood is progressively getting worse, and I don't want to drive away my wife and behave like I don't care about my stepson, but I'm growing impatient waiting to have some disposable income and a hobby I can actively pursue in what's left of my free time that doesn't sap my will.

Also: I can't complete a writing project for a friend that should have been completed weeks ago because it's more pain than pleasure, and I have little hope of it doing any service to our attempts at being half-way decent creative people. Well...his credibility will remain intact, but mine will never have been established.

I should be happy, but happiness looks like it dances on the horizon. The horizon, however, remains the horizon.

2 Of Those | Who Judged.

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