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:: 2008 4 December :: 1.20 am

I have jealousy issues.

really bad ones. and that scares me.

like...that was bad. it was so insignificant and i wanted to yell at him for it. THATS SO BAD. omg


:: 2008 2 December :: 3.05 am
:: Music: That Girl- Lindsay Lohan

Stage 1: I don't like my body.
Plan 1: Deal with it.- Epic Fail

Stage 2: They don't like my body.
Plan 2: They suck and don't m,atter- WRONG

Stage 3: My body holds me back from doing what I want.
Plan 3:Condition it to deal. Not so much a fail but not quite a sucess.

Stage 4: My body imprisons me and i hate it.
Plan 4. Learn to love yourself and the world will follow. EPIC FAIL and you need to get help.

Stage 5: My body is a prison with no doors or windows. (Current)
Plan 5: BUST A FUCKING HOLE IN THE WALL. - Amazingly enough i will make this one work.

My body is something i've battled for many a year and this time i will win against myself. Even if it kills me i will lose my weight.


:: 2008 21 November :: 3.27 pm

count down
Ha...i keep comming back here...waiting for someone to have read the last entry..and to leave me. cause i am self destructive right now....go figure.

1 truth | lie

:: 2008 10 October :: 11.58 am

Worst 50 in of my life
We talked about jainism in rels class today- they believe the fatter you are the more karma you have and you will go to hell- some girl said my name behind me and grjsafshfnj. bitch and i couldnt leave- i could barely breat for christs sake- omg piss me off and make me want to cry- my proffessor wouldnt even look at me while she was talking about it -akward FUCKING AKWARD thanks so much as if i didnt need that to be my day- im so pissed holy hell im done with it shut the fuck up and get over it- that dumm girl behind me- on fire right now.

I thought i was over that but apparently not.


:: 2008 5 October :: 11.25 pm
:: Mood: curious
:: Music: Congratulations-Blue October

My heart
So life has changed...and its strange....i went and read some past entries in jessika's and nick's was like a blast frm te past.

My only thoughts right now are the tones playing from my laptop, bombarding m with unknown emotions and unanswerd questions....i doubt with of them ever read this but i want to tell them both something: you are so easy to be friends with and i thank you for that.

Thats all that needs to be said i think. College has really changed me, and i have come to see the light in somethings. I have developed amazing relationships with the people around me, and others have crumbled to ruin...some even to dust. SOME still stand strong and bright.

Everything is OK. I'm no longer the angry little girl from previous entries. I still feed off of peoples emotions but in a different way now, i still have crazy and vivid dreams but im not the girl trapped on the glowing screen anymore.

I am on the path to myself and thats all i ever really needed i think. I didnt need a boy. I didnt need a lack of chaos.

I just needed to be happy with myself and most days i am now. 19 years old now, quickly approaching 20, in college, financily unstable still. I love to shop to much.

I keep a book of thoughts now. Its my life saver actually.

Hmm how much can change? everthing and nothing.


:: 2007 18 February :: 10.27 pm

So i decided to post this everywhere so if i ever print it off i will be able to find it....

Looking back at my life i finally started to realize what things ment and where they only took 12-1 year to figure them out ey?

So all the way back into elementry days:

One day in the fourth grade i got a D in some class and got my TV taken away. That day i decided to focus more on school then looks. I remember conciously thinking that, that one was more importanat then the other...yeah..

Another fatefull day of the fourth grade I played Jurassic Park with Nick on the Metal Truck at Sunnyside, and then two days later Sailor Moon with Christie, Misty and a gaggle of other kids.

That was the year i fought we Leandra Walkingchild alll the time.

That same year i became a Peer Mediator, voted on by the class and supported by Kayla Posey, strange huh? Thats then only class elected office i will ever get in my life.

Daras mom died that year i think, i remeber thinking and asking about her when we were making the baskets for mothers day.

Dara and i made plans to go to Harvard together and share a dorm cause we were never going to part, life had other plans.

During that year i also went and read to my little brothers kindergarden class. I was and will be forever known as his big sister.

I dont remeber much from the rest of the year.

I remember in the 5th Grade:

At graduation this kid Conner was giving my little brother crud and i yelled at him.

Also Ashley Ashcraft came and drank soda with us, i never felt like i fit in but thats cool, i had more adventures then i can count.

Fifth grade was the year that i had Mr.Weir, he let us turn the class room into a rainforest and i taped rolled up peices of paper to the floor...

The sixth grade, wow thats a year for ya:

Mr.Smith, the best English teacher i think i will ever have.

I would race James Rusinski to class every day.

Wow, i also told Coyne Wiggins i had a crush on him, in the G wing, next the doors, i remeber cause it was really bright when i told him.

Worked my ass off in Vollyball on the B team...A team only stood for assholes...:)
I was a shark.

In the 7th grade Mrs.Corera showed me a free camp that i could apply for. I made it in and the rest is history.

I think this is also when i got really into dancing, i went to every dance. I loved it cause when i was dancing i wasnt me i was anyone else.

I had C was weird but that started the roots of the clan.

I think thats when the movie partys started too... i cant remeber!!!!!

Edd Battleson and Charlie Manning hated me then.

Eighth grade:

Mrs.Thomas stopped me one day on the way out of her classroom to ask me to join the Science Olympiad team.

The fateful day i wore pink and the Twin Towers fell.

Pissing Magie off for the first time ever, im still really good at it.

Mrs.Nelsons son's accident.

Making the eights grade graduation poster and then watching "our leaders" try and take credit for it, look in the photo kids i got my hands on that poster.

Spending 1/2 of my year in the counselors office doing peer mediations.

The Hawaii trip:

Being truly amazed at nature for the first time in a long time.

Seeing my first cruise ship, it was hooge.

Getting lost between sushi and the hotel.

Kalacakua Bay

Forevering being cursed with clumsieness.

Waking up with Brice leaning on me, mouth wide and snoring...-_-

9th grade:

Being upped to Concert Orchestra my first year.

A science class with Roxanne

Being the only girl in my Intro to Tech.

"This never happened" and " You dont remember this" becomming part of my daily routeen.

Smoking my peers at swimming.

Mikki and the package that came with that.

10th Grade

Astronomy Club

Becomming a Junior Counselor

Housing the Edler sisters

Slicing my finger open to see when a knife felt like...(to this day there are still diagnol rivits in my fingers) I was prepping for suicide cause life was soooooo horrible. Drama queen.

Telling Ryan R. that i had a crush on him, i almost died.

Having to deal with the crazy chick in my art class and gym class

11th grade:
Kittpeak Trip

Orlando and NASA

Science Fairs

Spitzer Trip

Boston trip

The biology trip

A teacher finally saying something to Maggie about her insults...thankyou Mr. Deffe

Getting 2 Honorable Mentions on the math Competition and getting my dress taylored with Jessika there!

Football games


REalizing that nothing was the same at 8th grade.

Drownding and streatching myself too thin.

12th grade



San Diego


Starting the Youth Council for Montana

Getting into photography alot...omg

Two words Carmal Macciato

Capuccino Boy

Alan and Jessika and Tyler...that was a fun night.

Warm summer nights

Waking up with the word assport on my face...-_-...i should not write on my hands...

Really wondering what was going to happen when i didnt have my safety net

And really wondering what i was gonna be like without all of the stimpulations i already have.

How was it going to be without all of the great and bad things of high school

There is so much more but my brain is dieing....and some of it im not really to typre down and marr the world with it forever. : )...yeah


:: 2006 8 January :: 12.07 pm

Omg...i havnt been on here in years....ok...maybe a few months....

Me and roxy are fighting...go figure...slowly building up anger is not much has changed...nick is ignoring the fact he has friends at GFH....we all saw it comming...and im just denying seems my tri-pod of stability with friends is missing 2 legs....*falls over* seems the pictures are going to be a little bit skewed for a while folks....tis my life.....

Mr.Garpstead committed was in octobeer i think....i still trying to deal...

He did it right after the yellowstone trip....whjich wqas fun but ended on a gargling note.

So i had a crush on Ian...roxy started to date i stoped having a crush...then made a fake crush on Miles...bad idea...

Im working at target now....its cool...i work with this girl miria...shes fun....together we have the attention span of a decrepid squirrel....ha...

Slightly depressed...Rochelle and Jessika forgot and left the show with out me...and Roxy forgot about me at New Years Eve....she was with david her new love intrest...thats when the fight so mad at

Seth and Chrisite are dating...its cute....Its the year 2006....and right now my life that i loved so much seems to be circleing the toilet...

Im taking belly dance...its is alot to say and most of it is lost in the periods like this.... yeah..i dont kno0w what more to say, im depressed and lkosing alot of things except my gonna try and update more so yep...I hgave a LJ and Myspace im pretty buisy.


:: 2005 17 August :: 9.12 pm
:: Mood: accomplished

So tuesday....

So today...wednesday...i cleaned all day....yes exciting no?...look at this site: Im famous....mwhhahhahahaha...heeee...and my life's story is there...*shifty eyes*

Im experimenting with the tag thingy so bare with me...I go to take my permit test on friday!!!!!...yes...i know a bit late but cool with that

Thursday night is the StarBucks grand opening....yay!!!! prolly just gonna go with my mom on friday morning so yeah... just say im not going to change my plans to fit others plans...not if i need to do something....lets just say...angry rage radiating from michelle all day....grrrr....

I'm makin a scarf.....mwahhahaha..


:: 2005 13 August :: 9.02 pm
:: Mood: apathetic
:: Music: Listen to your Heart

Ok so its been...3 days since ive Roxy came back friday afternoon....then i hung out with nick at the mall for an hour or so then we found roxanne and was fun..1. I hadnt talked to Nick in forever 2. Our group was kinda there to hand and chill...twas fun! I bought some Gir shoe laces and a baby blue feather was fun...

So im hoping to call some peeps later and set up a gettogether on tuesday or thursday...prolly 12-4or5....Just go hang at Market place..i need to get some books...possibly clothes...yes...we can do lunch and the!!!!I plan to call people....O.o..o.Obe pre-pared!!!!!!!in the infinate words of scar...

So yep.....Roxy dreded Jessikas hair..and then they showed up at my house with Eric....*random person of the day*

Roxannes mom is kinda crazy.....she threw away stuff outta roxannes room....and roxy didnt get a chance to look at 1/2 of it....

My dad yelled at my brother and i for like 30 min about the garage he couldnt find it and how it was all our faults....i checked my room and the like...then thought it might be out in the was sitting in plain sight ontop of the i yelled at him slightly and went to my room to practice my cello....damn blind parents....

Sam called my today *dazed and confused*...he was decent...but we got to talking about this next year....he called my a hopless romantic...mainly cause i started singing " someday my prince will come!" was kinda weird...just cause he had been such an ass....* insert un-haa..+ sigh faces* boys...(i miss ryan)...:(

But then love falls apart,
And a little peice of heaven,
Turns to dust.
In your eyes, people see life... You see yourself
as just an average person! You enjoy life, love
wildlife, but also enjoy time with those who
know you best. You like to get outdoors and let
your mind wander over all of the mysteries god
gave to you. You don't really have a certain
sanctuary because you're so well-rounded, but
you like having fun and adventures, but can
also be found sitting quietly about, reading a
book. You have a pretty good life ahead of you,
never trade it for anything else :)

What Lies Behind Your Eyes?
brought to you by Quizilla

Fire element
Your element is Fire. Like fire, you have a hot
temper and you can be warm and loving as well
and angry and wild. It all really comes down to
what you are feeling. You have a lot of close
friends who you are very protective over, and
with your temper probably some enemies too. You
are not Miss/Mr Popular in school since you are
your own person and don't want to be forced
into behaving this or that way. You are the
untamed wild horse, the kind that everyone
wants to catch. But you don't want to be tied
down for the moment and just keep going with
your little crushes. Your will is strong and if
you set your mind to do something, you will
most likely succeed. But beware, your friends
may not always accept your mood-swinging
behaviour. Even if you don't mean to be mean,
they can still feel hurt. You just need to
start thinking some things through before you
do them, and not always jump in with so much
courage. One day you may be hurt because of
that, but then again, your element isn't fire
if you start to analyse situations before you
act. After all, your nature is to shoot first
and ask the questions later. Rate and message!

What is your element? [with pics + detailed answeres]
brought to you by Quizilla


:: 2005 29 July :: 9.25 pm

Im back for two days….

Cali was a load of fun…we worked at the spitzer most of the time. There was a girl Carolyn, she helped us work with the Unix program…she had a British accent. .lol it was awesome…we also worked with Debra, the coordinator…she was Lebanese …and we worked with Howard Chun , he was from Japanese and we worked with Sheila and Don who were both German…accents galore!!! It was great! They want us to go to Washington D.C to present the stuff we worked on ( Cataclysmic Variable stars with mass donors using IRAC)and possibly think up a symposium to get more kids involved in the space program…example: working the with Spitzer Space Telescope to look at and figure the chemical make up of a star…yeah if any of you are interested e-mail me. But neways….we went to Venice beach and I got some awesome clothing..and we went to call tech and I got a tee…it was fun.

Eh…my mom…*smacks her*…grrr…sure ill take you shopping…op..never are just leaving Sunday morning and don’t have enough shirts that meet the dress code…oh no..ill just watch my shows and plan to go canoeing tomarrow and leave you two hours to pack frantically cause you cant wash your clothing until tomarrow….ARG shes so…grrrrr…

* Sigh *

damn windows program….oh hey I can only go to the fair on the 4 ,5 or 6…soo…who else wants to come with me? * bats eyelashes * please!!!!!!


Fefe Dobson

Tell me who should I be to make you love me?
Tell me what does it mean to be alone?
Can't you see me standing staring out from the distance,
Hear my cry if you'd only listen...
Out of focus, into me and you

Kiss me fool, if you care
If your words have any meaning.
Playing it cool is so unfair
Why this veil of secrecy?
God forbid, your friends found out what we did
Why can't someone like you be someone like me?

Tell me who should I be to make you love me?
Tell me what does it mean to be alone?
Can't you see me standing staring out from the distance,
Hear my cry if you'd only listen...
Out of focus, into me and you

Touch me fool, if your allowed.
I'll be dancing in the corner
It's so cruel to play it proud, take your hands and cover me.
I'm aware that all in love is fair, but that's no reason to make me feel this way.

Tell me who should I be to make you love me?
Tell me what does it mean to be alone?
Can't you see me standing staring out from the distance,
Hear my cry if you'd only listen...
Out of focus, into me and you

And it hurts me so bad to deny it, oooh
These feelings are out of control.
Do you know what it's like to want something so bad...
And then having to let it go?
And it hurts me to know that this time in our lives...
So soon will be in the past
And you spend it pretending your playing it cool.
Never knowing,
Never knowing,
Never knowing what,
Never knowing what we should've been.

Tell me who should I be to make you love me?
Tell me what does it mean to be alone?
You've got me wondering if I'm good enough.
Pretty enough, giving enough, special enough

Tell me who should I be to make you love me?
Who should I be? Who should I be? Ooooh...
To make you love me?
Who should I be? Who should I be? Ooooh...
To make you love me?
Who should I be? Who should I be? Ooooh...
To make you love me.........?

(rock music...oh yeah)


:: 2005 22 July :: 10.11 pm
:: Music: Moon Baby-Godsmack


Why is it so hard to express emotions and thoughts in sequences of letters and words that people can understand....?

Ok...latley my jaw has been really bugging me....i have an underbite due to the over-growth of my jaw and it ...ok so if i chew like gum or gummy like things my jaw muscles tighten and cramp for like 5 min i have to sit and streatch my jaw back so its not all locked up. Also i realized that my face is also messed up from it...since my jaw protrudes further then my skull does it ccauses my lower lip to jut out slightly more then my upper...and my teeth are severly my teeth effect the way i eat...i cant properly break things with my just wanna be fixed...

Im almost half-way through Harry Potter and the Half Blood prince...i like it sofar...

My sister gave me a call lastnight and asked me if i was willing to clean her dishes and fold laundry for her for like 20 i agree...i mean im in a nervous mood so i enjoy i walk in...and look at her sink...her dishes growled at me......*scared O.o look* ....i was so scared...and her laundry was eating her vacumed as wasnt to bad just really time

I leave for Cali on sunday and i were going to try and do something tonight but dad decided that i couldnt...apparently it better if i have only 12pm to3 am instead of a full 24 hours....grrrr...roxanne and ill prolly wont get to see eachother for 3

Weird dreams...

Our group went to a movie and i couldnt stop laughing and seriously almost died of laughter...(i woke up and my face was in my pillow....)and everyone was staring at everyone put their faces within bitting distance of close...too close!!!!!!

So ill try to update tomarrow...before i leave...


:: 2005 5 July :: 7.10 pm

Ok so...past few days...slightly hektic...July 3rd ran around with Jessika and Roxy...twas roxannes was fun..bought a happy bunny poster that says its all about me with it...ha...We went and saw War of the Worlds...i must say i didnt expect that movie to be very good...but it was. We then went home did fireworks, cake and cleaning of roxannes

The next day (July 4) and Jessika is laying on Roxannes bathroom floor crying and moaning...She had a pain in her lower left side and was clammy so i thought she had Appendicitis but she only had a kidney stone...i guess thats better...but ive never heard of people getting those so young...but neways...we had to drive all the way to Jessikas house and coax her mom into taking her to the emergency yeah jessika is good now...thankfully

July 4

Up with only like 6 or 7 hours of sleep...not good for shelly...* above story* went home and was uber cranky and tired and stressed.....bought some f-works then set them off w/roxanne at my house then went to pauls familys area to shoot more off. We were leaving to go watch the works at the SkatePark and Paul kinda chased us cause he didnt listen to Trish when she said she was taking roxy and i to the riverfriont....* he later jumped on Trish's hood as she drove man...*. The fireworks were more of a lighter then a went home and slept.

Yeah..pretty uneventful days....*cough*...yeah Raab is in the hospital....he cut his hand a couple of times and got his tendon in his right hand, index finger infected and had to have surgury today...he prolly wont have much control of that finger after this....( Note* to all those stupid people out the...if you are going to do weird/stupid it so you dont kill/maim/disembowl or amputate anything...k?) parents decided to make sure i knew how much of a burden i am to them and how my being involved in things is a bad setup for them...fine...i know im better and further in my life then they were when they were 16...partly due to them and partly due to me...but im just a burden so it dosnt matter...i hate when they say and do things like that...its actually pretty hard on me since they are why im usually doing things...make them proud...right...when i come back from anything ,competition wise, with anything less then first place my dad is disappointed in me...and my mom uses me to get back at my dad for crap....its annoying...sure i appreciate all they do and give me...but its all given outta spite or anger...thee is always a but attached to anything they touch....sure you can go over to roxannes or jessikas but we will be picking you up at 10 or 11....sure you can go shopping but you have to leave 10 of the 15 you earned...sure...but...sure...but....sure you can live your life but you cant enjoy it....

it was pretty bad today...i coulnt look at myself in the mirror today....*sigh* dad is harpering on my about my weight again.....i've had 6 peices of bread today ,an egg and a rootbeer float...yes...i eat so exhausted


:: 2005 2 July :: 12.41 pm
:: Mood: touched

Your Summer Anthem is Don't Cha by The Pussycat Dolls

Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me?
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me?

Your summer forecast: freaky and full of drama!

Funny thing...i love some of the dance moves in this

Yeah so not much is new...i lost a little more weight..which is nice....i want to loose alot more by the end of the summer...

So the Live 8 Aid for Africa thing is today and im kinda blown away...there were showing the concert in london and you couldnt see the end of the crowd from the stage....its awsome...

Dance dance....yeah...i am going to join kimmerlees bellydancing class i'll be fun

oh hair is brown now...


:: 2005 10 June :: 9.45 pm


NICK!!!!! Control GWEN,JESSIKA and ASHLEY...PLEASE!!!!!They....arg...frustration...

So the other day i biked to roxannes was cool ...except for biking to the top of the hill by nicks house...seeing the gate blocking my way down the huge hill...grr...but we made my dress for ash's party...its pretty.....

So im hanging with niki is barking at me...Winn Patrol Scotty Dog....right....well...yes our last sleepover till august :'(

yes so im less stressed..yay....bye


:: 2005 22 May :: 8.16 pm
:: Music: radio

Yeah ,so I’m close to cracking I cant take it anymore…my little brother sat and laughed at me while I was in my room crying….and he called me insensitive…this kinda crap happens often…when I need someone to be slightly supportive they leave or mock me….i cant take I anymore…when I need to talk to someone ,its not an often thing, I need someone to be there and talk to…it tends to keep ,me together but when they leave because someone else calls or they just have to go it sucks…cause then I cry…I hate crying…with a passion…for me I s\wish it were impossible….it would make life easier….

I ve been depressed for the past few months and I don’t know why..i used to be so happy and now im not….what happened?…I don’t even find joy in some of the things that used to bring tears of happiness to my eyes……I hate being dependent upon people….it sucks…I always let them down or they let me down…or we do something stupid that affects someone else or something selfish…

I ave gotten to the point were ..arg….i had all this done not minutes ago but my fucking computer of hell froze up and I could update…

Colten and Raab officially piss me off….they are both boar headed morons who think of no one but themselves….

I hate life….i cant except things the way they are…and those things I can accept I don’t take action toward…something make me so pissed off that I turn red but then there are things that make my heart flutter and for a moment im so happy is scary….but I never take action toward them..i hate mayself for it…

I hate cant stand to hear my name anymore….when I talk to adults they always talk about how responsible and reliable I am…..i cant even take care or control some of my emotions now…where do they get this crap from?…

I feel like my heart and mind are breaking for no reason…I don’t know why…I don’t have a reason for it…or even and idea…I wish I was a phoenix right now so I coult just burn up and be reborn out of the ashes twice as wise and twice as ready for people…

I cant take people who tell me their problems and all that crap and rant to me but when I need someone to do the same thing they leave…they always leave…ir cant handle it or …or just don’t care…I rarly need someone to rant and spill to but it seems when I need people like that they always are waiting for another call or someone magically calls or they just don’t want to hear it…people call me crying and I drop all im doing to help them deal…but I don’t get the same courtesy…*sigh* yes I being a bitch..if you cant deal with it then leave…

So somethings have been bothering m lately…something is kinda bottled up and put away for a bit….

At xmas shayla, jessic and I were going to do a present swap. Shayla and I were going to give Jessica a present, me and jessika were going to give shayla a gift and shayla and jessika were going to get me one…well shayla and Jessica each received their gifts and guess who didn’t….yeah like that’s a new occurrence…and I didn’t say anything to them because It was the giving season and I pretended it didn’t bother me….so they kept making promises that they would get me the gift soon….and I acted like I didn’t care…so finally they are like we’ll just give you double birthday presents…so I was ok and acted like I didn’t care….so this past week they were like so are wqe going to do the xmas thing again? And I say” have fun with it cause im not doing it again” and they wondered why I didn’t want to and I told them because I didn’t want to be left out again….they promised it wouldn’t happen again but I say no…I don’t believe them…they are too thick to work together….

Rochie has been bugging me for a bit cause shes been really mean latly..and you know I know people get like that…but it’s a constant thing…and then I see her with other people and shes totally cool but then shell talk to me and she just seems to be in a bad mood again….im tired of her good cop bad cop act…it bugs me..

I like ryan a lot..he can make me laugh…its nice..but he is leaving so im drawing away from him so im not a mope when he leaves…… my mom isn’t helping ..i cant talk to anyone right now….i cant handle it….i cant even handle my family talking in the kitchen

2 truthsooth sayers | lie | Random Journal