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Always is this girl ~ Dazed and Confused

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:: 2006 2 October :: 4.17 pm

New Stuff

So, we got news today that 2 or the 3 people looking at jared's bmw have said that it's totaled.

Good news, we might get into the house in rockford this weekend. If we can get some proof to show we are refinancing then he said he can be out by saturday.

I really don't want the bmw to be totaled. There are so many memories with that car. It was beautiful. It's what made me want Jared haha Just kidding. That was just a plus. And it was my dream car (my practical dream car) I always wanted a 328i manual with leather.. damn. Because of some stupid woman.. we won't have a car anymore. Damn conversion van.

On a more serious note. I've been feeling not good enough for Jared. He always talks to all the girls he used to date and stuff and talks about how they are doing this and doing that and blah blah. It makes me feel like shit because I can't even get a job. I'm nothing. Why would he even want to marry me. I mean he must have seen something but.. I don't see anything. I'm not going to school not working and he's paying for everything. I'm a loser man.


:: 2006 28 September :: 3.13 pm

So, last night Jared got into an accident driving home from work and picking up morgan. Both of them are and were fine. Morgan didn't even cry. She just said it scared her. We're pretty much thinking the car is totaled. The rear wheels weren't even turning when it was pulled out of the ditch. A woman in a conversion van hit him in the rear passenger side door and fender... So.. yeah. we're screwed. Our one dependable car and he needs to drive to grand rapids every day. The only other vehicle we have is a 1980 pinto. Great.. just great. Luckily myt parents let him borrow their mustang for today. But who knows how long we'll be with out a car. Jareds parents are letting us borrow the truck. Gas guzzler.. great. :| Then. He hurt his hand/finger today so.. our life just keeps getting better and better.

Oh and another thing. They didn't end up getting home until 8 o'clock last night because someone wouldn't let me come get them. They decided to get a ride from the wrecker to walmart where our friend Parker would pick them up when he got out of work at meijer. He didn't actually get out of work till like seven cuz they got picked up at quarter after seven. If he had just let me pick him up they would have been home at 6:30 or 7. I should have been there but he wouldn't talk to me long enough to even tell me where he was. Otherwise I would have driven out there even though he told me no. ass


:: 2006 27 September :: 3.30 pm

Alright, Since I last wrote it's been over a year. A lot of you read my other journal so you already know that

October '05 - We went to Colorado/Arizona for vacation
October '05 - I thought he was cheating on me or.. about to with the one person I don't like most
November'05 - He asked me to marry him
December '05 - Had the poorest christmas of my life
January '06 - Sat home for new years
February '06 - Went out for Valentines day and decided on a date for the wedding My Grandpa died :'(
March '06 - Changed the wedding date from december to May
April '06- Found out I was pregnant 2 months pregnant at that then lost it And that I have HPV and The cells are upgrading and I may need sugery and wont be able to have children for a year and if I do.. I'll have to be sewn shut and on bed rest
May '06 - Got married the uh.. crap.. 27th and Our cat had two kittens the day after
May'06 - June '06 - Honeymoon in Colorado
June '06 - Moved in with the parents
October '06 - hopefully move out of here. Jared and I trying to take over the house in a rockford and will take that until it sells next summer hopefully
November '06 - find out if I need surgery! I have to get a repeat colposcopy and they will determine if it's safe for me to proceed with a pregnancy which is what we hope. But.. I doubt that will happen.
May '07 to September '07 - Move to Colorado!


:: 2006 27 September :: 3.22 pm

HOly crap. You know it's been a long time when you can't even remember your password haha. It took me forever. I almost was going to get up the courage to ask andy haha. Wow... anyways.. I'll write more later I just had to get this out first before I forgot


:: 2005 2 August :: 1.47 pm

Jared told me that he loved me. It was last monday. I think at least. anyways, it was brought up by Rachel w. when we were talking on the phone. She was on speaker phone talking to jared and she asked if he was my boyfriend and he was like duh and then she asked "so youl ove her?" and he says "maybe..." and I was soo embarrased. After when we were laying in bed together he asked me what i thought about rachels question. He then asked me how I felt about him and i told him that I care about him a lot. THen he and I talked about being in love and who all he's loved and how we both thought we were in love but the other sperson didn't love them the way they should. The he said " Well, I think i"m falling in love with you" and i said "you think?" and he says "well, it's a two way street" so yeah kind of beautiful huh? So he now tells me he loves me all the time and i love it. A couple weeks ago everything broke down for a whiles. My brother had said at lunch one day that I shoulfdn't be suprised when jared dumps me for kelli. That ruined my whole day I just wanted to ball. I tried to back myself up by saying tha ti Knew he had been there a couple times. and then john went on to say oh.. a COUPLE times.. like jareds been lying to me and going there secretly and cheating on me. SO, I tell jared and he reassures me nothing is going on. It couldn't, I knew that. I'm with him all the time. Now kellies name is like sarah's. It hurts everytime I hear it. It hurts even worse hearing jared say their names. Jared and I have beens eeing each other every single day for a while now. I absolutly love it and i wouldn't have it any other way. We kind of had sex in my bed other then we stopped because it was way to hot upstairs. What am I doing. He tells me he wants to marry me and that we are going to have a lot of kids together and that I'm going to movie and all this stuff. I'm so scared I'm going to get hurt. But when I look at him and see the way he looks at me, my heart melts. He loosk so handsome when he loosk at me. He means the world to me. Withougt him there is nothing. If fosmething ever heappens to us or between us. Life is going to be ghell. Anyways... I love him and morgan even though everytime i look at her i see jessica. There's only one thing that bothers me about him. He still talks to all the girls he's been with. For some reason it kills me to know that. On to a better subject though, I went to his family reunion and it wasn't that bad. There's another one next week ish . He let me broow his bmw to drive home from saranac because i was tired and watned to sleep. Um I met his brother brian and his sister amy. Amy and leslie are really nice. I don't really know brian but maybe I will be able to. Word is spreading that i'm getting married. I tell everyone it's not true just incase plans fall through.

1 confused. | dazed?

:: 2005 10 July :: 1.40 pm

Since I last wrote, not too much has happened. Nothing horrible at least. The week of June 20th I went to jared's on the twenty - first, third and fourth. I stayed the night friday and then sbabysat and went to church while jared went to his family reunion. I also bought a red 1980 pinto that day and I picked it up sunday after coming home from jared's house. I went to jake's open house and a little after we got back from there jared and my car arrived. I ended up staying the whole evening and we went out for ice cream and he saw that my ex-boyfriend works there. That was a very fun day. I liked spending time with him and my family. The next week I went to jared's a lot and also stayed the night. On the 2nd, I drove him to the fire works in my car and went shopping. Eearly that day we went paintballing and then to his parents house. I only got shot once, in the finger. I don't remember what we did sunday oh yeah, we went to my brothers house and had a fire and bbq. MOnday we went to the cottage and that was fun. This past week I saw jared on tues, weds, thurs and then the whole weekend. It was wonderful. I met jared's sister leslie and her fiance (jared's friend) lee on friday. We had steak that Jared grilled. It was really good. Saturday, i had to babysit and I also went to church while jared helped roof leslies house and then he vistied kelli after she got out of the hospital. Then today we hung out, took morgan to her grandparents and went to see fantastic four. It was pretty good. We ate burger king afterwards and he took me home. I told him not to come in because I was uppose to be in trouble. But it turns out I wasn't. I'm so tired right now though I won't be able to sleep long. I want him next to me . with me holding me touching me. He still hasn't told me he loves me yet. I know he does though. When he holds my hang and squeezes it 3 times he's showing me he does.


:: 2005 20 June :: 1.23 pm

Everything is opposite of what it was since I wrote last. Jared is now my boyfriend and everything that happened was explained. On the 6th I ended up calling him and telling him that as far as i was concerned nothing had happened between us and stuff. He asked why and I brought up saturday. He understood I guess and wednesday when he came to pick me up for my brother's he had a strawberry banana shake waiting for me. I was trying not to care but it was a little cute. Anyways, things were back the way they were. He was slapping my ass like old times and stuff. Then finally he tells me that sarah and him weren't ever really together. So, he takes me home and then the next day he calls me from work and says he's coming over after work and that john and him are going shopping and I can go too. So I do end up going to Grand RApids with them and when we were in meijer he had his arm around mepretending to be my boyfriend. Also when we were in spencers he had his hand on my back and it was just odd. Friday he told me we could go swimming or something at his parents. We eneded up not seeing each other until Sunday. Saturday I hung out with Parker all day after going to 3 open houses. Jared parker and I ended up going to the movies. Jared asked me thursday if I would like to go with him and see Mr. and Mrs. Smith. It was a good movies. Monday, I did nothing and tuesday I went to Jared's with Morgan and I met jessica. I know her from school. Wednesday was guys night againa nd then Jared and I planned on hanging out firday and then go camping after good willing. Well, we did go goodwilling and then we went to yesterdog and that was really good. Then we went to get tickets, but we were too lazy to walk all the way into the theatre so we went and rented a movies. Team America and the entire time we were in blockbuster he was holding me and holding my hand and stuff. We watched that and then went to sleep we eneded up having sex on thursday on the park bench and then tuesday on his stairs and friday in his bed. We went to sleep and woke up at 6:40 am because lance called twice. We didn't end up actually getting out of bed until 8 ish though. We called cjohn then and told him that lance told us we would not be able to get in the gates to birthday bash after 10 30 and we got up and tooks howers and left. John calls us back and says that they are letting people in until it's full. So, we end up hanging at my house for a little bit and then go to his parents house and we just hang out there for a while. He showed me his ducati and the horses and we looked through pictures as well. THen, we ended up leaving and picking up food for my brother. We drove to b 93 birthday bash and walked in. Jared and I sat by each other and during holy water he had his arm around me and was holding me. It was cute. We decided to leave early to beat the traffic and try to make it to jessica's open house. We didn't make it so we went and bought our tickets adn then waited for Parker and Don at B-dubs. While we were waiting my brother called and gave me the guilt trip so I began crying and jared had his arm around me and was telling me everything will be alright . So we go to the movie adn sarah was brought up as well as trust and sex. I told jared we'd talk about it later. So , we're in his car on the way home talking about how he didn't know what he was doing and he was really sorry and he tried not to like me because i was leaving and I accepted that because that is wahat we had decided. Then we were laying in bed and started talking about us. We decided that we were in a relationship and all that. So, SUnday I go to church adn Jared tells me to call him when I get back from the BBQ. So, I did and he tells me he'll pick me up on the way home from there. We end up going to subway and then watching the movie what woman want and saving silverman while I applied aloe to his back . He got way fried when he wokred on his sisters house. It was too cute. I'm suppose to go over there tomorrow when morgan's there so I can be called step-mom. That's what Mark (my old AP history intern teacher) and lance call me.


:: 2005 7 June :: 4.25 pm

Alright, a lot has happened. I went paintballing right.. well that was fun. I also knew something was up between Jared and I because he was kind of distant. He didn't touch me at all and usually he does. I mean.. he would slap my ass all the time at my brothers and stuff even before last week. Then when I called him to tell him I was on my way to his house he was reallly short with me. THHEENN when I got to his house he kind of stayed away from me. Like we were in the same room maybe 3 times. I swear he didn't slap my ass at all then either but I just got off the phone with him and he said he did. But, anyways. I knew something was up but I just ignored it and then he tried to get me to go off and hang out with parker and that's when he told me he had another girl (date) for tonight and I was like "oh, that's cool" and just walked out. I was walking around the street outside all the way to 11 mile and I was just so shocked i started crying and then it hit me how much I had fallen for him. I guess, everyone was looking for me. I didn't know until a little bit ago though and then I just walked upstairs. I just wanted to be alone. So I went into marks room where he was playing guitar and watched him and then I played for a little while. I went downstairs to get a drink and Parker knew what had happened because I walked into the living room and I saw Sarah "the other girl" and I just had to leave and he just held me. It was nice and I realized I was tired at that moment so I went and layed on the stairs because I wanted my head raised but wanted to be alone. Parker came up to me and grabbed my hand and asked if I was alright and if I needed to talk about anythign he would be downstairs and then he came back up and grabbed my hand again and told me to come downstairs with him to sleep and stuff. So, we end up cuddling and talking about what happened and shit and I fall asleep in his arms. Rachel and Marty had been upstairs this whole time and so when I woke up at 6 I was like yay I can go wake them up. So I get upstairs and wow.. no on is there except mark making eggs and a smoothie. I decided to go back downstairs and fall asleep again and I wake up at about 8 30. I go back upstairs and i try to call rachela nd billion times. She never answers. I finally get a ride home with parker at like... 10 20. Rachel never called me back that entire day. I called her today and she didn't call me back then she started talking ot me online saying she just got the messages and stuff. Heartbreaking. She told me that pretty much everyone knew I was crying and why. Jared didn't know what to do he just kind of left into a room by himself. Shaun a guy that kept hitting on me told her the whole story about jared and sarah, which they just met like two weeks ago their first date was thursday and they started dating friday. I guess he just wanted me to find out at the party too. So I called him today. And was like, I just want to tell you that as far as I'm concerned nothing ever happened between you and I. Everything is going to be like it was before any of this. And he said stuff about not wanting ot hurt me and crap like that and i told him I didn't believe him. I told him he used me and it won't happen again and all this stuff. I told him I knew something was different by the way he was acting towards me so I was kind of ready for it. I was just really emotional because of how much I drank. I was in the depressed stage. Not the happy wanna fuck stage. So yeah, whatever happens happens. Of course that's not all of it.. but the important stuff and it's already really long. So.. write me back and tell me what you think about that whole situation.


:: 2005 14 May :: 11.01 pm

I went to his apartment yesturday. I had to get away from here so I made an excuse to go there. I had his felece and i had just washed it so I thought I would bring it back. So I went there and I stood outside his apartment and talked to him for like an hour. He didn't invite me in but I realized after that long when he went "oh yeah" and turned around... and then said "my food is done, it's probably cold now though" so I told him I would let him eat and I left. I didn't want to. What I really wanted to o was just walk in and kiss him and thne have him hold me like saturday because that's what I really really needed. Was to be held and cared for. Talking to him was just enough for me though. I don't think anything is going to happen between us unfortunatly. I know he's really slow about things and a "pussy" as Jared and my brother say. But.. I mean we've been going on dates for like.. 5 months. And jeez.. I was at his house until 6 in the morning. Is it obvious that he likes me? I'm pretty sure it's obvious that I like him..


:: 2005 10 May :: 9.12 pm

Alright, so quite a lot has happened since I last wrote. Parker and I went and saw Sin City together the weekend after I got back from Arizona. We went to ionia first and then when to Celebration. Then last week like.. monday Parker picked me up and we went to Rookies in Lowell. I had never been to a Comic book store and I met the infamous Jack (x-box man). We were there till about 5 30 and then he took me home. He asked if I wanted to go to his apartment but I had to make chili and then go to my brother's house. He ended up not going that night because his cousin was over. Then, this past saturday, I called jared to see what he was up to and he said he was going to a comedy thing that night but Parker wasn't doing anything (parker was with him) and he told me to call him. So I did and we decided to go to Rookies because.. it was Free Comic Book Day! He ended up picking me up before he got his hair cut and James (my cousin , his good friend) met us there because his wife was cutting Parker's hair. James and Tiffany end up going with us to Rookies, but on the way there we drive by the bank and Parker says you know the girl at the bank? well, I don't care about her anymore and I go why? and he says that he asked someone about her and she's bad news. I was like.. oh. I had a slight idea then that I wasn't "john's little sister" anymore because he knows I like him. Anyways, we stayed at Rookies until around 4:30 and then we had to drop off James and Tiffany. On the way back Parker said something about Lasagna and a movie. I wasn't sure if he included me or not so I didn't really say anything but they agreed. After he drops them off for their meeting we go to his apartment and he says that he has to wash his car. So we get quarters and go wash his car. That was loads of fun :|. No it really wasn't that bad though. Anyways... We end up going to his apartment. During that time I thought he would have taken me home but he didn't. So obviously I was to stay at his place for dinner. We ended up picking up a bit, playing trivia, watching extra credits on Star wars, watching movie trailors, umm.. hanging out and watching Spiderman 2. About 8 o'clock we still hadn't heard from James or Tiffany so we walked to Leppinks and I bought some pop. When we got back James and Tiffany finally called at about 10 they were at the store so Parker decided to do the dishes real quick. I eventually helped haha. So, Tiffany made the lasagna and we started to watch National Treasure. The movie was pretty good and got over at like 1 30 and right after that James and Tiffany left. So, it was just Parker and I. I figured he would take me home but he ended up going into his bedroom. I was scared to follow so I went on the computer and it took him a while. So... I went in and he was laying on his bed face first. This was another little hint. If he really wanted to sleep, he would have taken me home. Not gone into his room and lured me in there. I end up sitting down and looking at a yearbook not knowing what to do. But he started curling around me and then I knew that.. you know something might happen. He ends up getting up and I lay on the bed and he comes back and lays on the bed with me. Except.. we're as far apart as possible. Haha... yeah. Pathetic and very freshman. Anyways, we're talking and stuff like that and then we start to get closer as the night progresses. He was flattering me and I was flattering him. So we were cuddling and stuff like that and I asked him what he wanted to do and he was like, whatever you want to do. I have to have permission to do whatever you want. I was like oh.. and he's like yeah I'm shy I'm way shy. So, that was a hint to me that I have to make the first move. So I said you and then that I was just kidding and I said kind of... haha. Then he said oh don't worry I feel exactly the same way. so at that point I knew that something was going to happen. We're cuddling and I finally decide. I have to kiss him because he's too chicken to kiss me. I kinda roll him over and get on top of him and he smiles. I lean forward and think.. if he leans up to kiss me after I've kissed him then obviously he wants this and that i should pursue it after tonight, if he doesn't.. then I shouldn't care anymore. So I kiss him. We kiss and then a few seconds later I pull away. Now, not aonly does he lean all the way up to kiss me but he puts his hand on me as well. The rest of the night is us kissing and me finally being able to drive his car which he lets no one drive. I didn't end up walking into my house until 6 18 am on sunday morning. I had been with him from oh.. 1 pm saturday until then. When I got out of his car I told him we sould do this again sometime and he said yeah, next time I won't be as tired. Soo, how about that. Something that I have literally dreamed about has come true. I'm the most happy that I have ever been in my entire life. What a great thing. I get to see him tomorrow and then next wednesday and thursday for sure. Maybe sometime in between now and then too. I can only hope.

1 confused. | dazed?

:: 2005 26 April :: 9.32 pm
:: Music: Original sinsuality ~ Tori Amos

I wish I knew how you felt about me...

4 confused. | dazed?

:: 2005 8 March :: 5.53 pm

post office is 130 to 5ish and meijer is 7ish to 11ish

then when i deliver its 6 30 ish to 4is and sun morn its meijer 8-4

M/T/T - meijer

every other weekend deliver

3 confused. | dazed?

:: 2005 14 February :: 6.34 pm

Omg.. what the hell is wrong with me. It seems like I can't stop myself from crying all the time. I hate everything it just seems to piss me off. Everything does. I don't know why I feel like this. It's stupid little things that trigger it but it should make me cry.. yet it does. I'm a fuck up.


:: 2005 14 February :: 5.40 pm

When I hear that these years are the best days of our lives...

I want to shoot myself because I think

Is this really as good as it is going to get?

1 confused. | dazed?

:: 2005 11 February :: 3.48 pm
:: Music: swing swing- all america rejects

Alright last night I had two dreams that hit me hard.

The first goes like this...
All of a sudden I'm back in the 80's except I'm about the age I am now. It's like I went back in time to fix something. Something I did wrong with a relationship that ruined everything. I realized I was getting a second chance. I began walking around and I saw this very beautiful crimson silk and creme dress and I knew that was my wedding dress. But something I did stopped me from not getting married. I didn't tell who I was with how much I cared about him and how much he meant to me. I knew that's what i had to do. So I'm waiting for the phone to ring then, it does and i know it's him. I hesitate but I pick up and I just say that I love you. But it wasn't him. It was his number but it was a guy calling for rachel.All I wanted to do was tell him I loved him. I should have done it when I had the chance. I lost my chance. I didn't know what to do, how to go back. I knew nothing.

Then my second dream went like this... (I don't remember much)
I was pregnant and my parents knew. They were okay with it but I knew that they thought I was a whore. I was trying to get to this building and it was raining and I was watching it from the car and then I got out to go to the building but people kept going in front of me. That's all I remember.

Time Travel

To dream about time travel, indicates your wish to escape from your present reality. You want to go back into the past or jump forward to the future to a period where your hopes are realized. This type also represents your romantic nature or your desire to romanticize everything.


To dream that you get wet from the rain, signifies that you will soon be cleansed from your troubles and problems. Rain also symbolizes fertility and renewal.

To see and hear rain falling, symbolizes forgiveness and grace.

To dream that you are watching the rain from a window, indicates that spiritual ideas and insights are being brought to you awareness. It may also symbolize fortune and love.

To hear the tapping of the rain on the roof, denotes spiritual ideas and blessings coming to mind. It may also suggests that you will receive much joy from your home life.


To dream that you are pregnant, symbolizes an aspect of yourself or some aspect of your personal life that is growing and developing. You may not be ready to talk about it or act on it. This may also represent the birth of a new idea, direction, project or goal

I wonder what's going on with me??

dazed? | Random Journal