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Always is this girl ~ Dazed and Confused

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:: 2004 25 April :: 5.40 pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: Blink 182~I'm Sorry

You're not the one.
It's been almost three weeks since I updated. There is a lot going on I guess. I don't remember what happened the week of the 10th oh yeah.. It was spring break. Nothin cool happened. I didn't do anything until the 10th. I don't remember what though. The next week my parents were gone. Didn't do anythign then either. Oh.. I had bryan over friday, late night. He was suppose to come over thursday but being as I am number 3 on his list of importance, he decided to go eat tacos with fucking kelly. Anyways... Then Saturday I asked if he wanted to hang out at a party. He asked how long i'd be there and stuff and he was like okay. So, sunday morning rolls around and I call him up.

Me: What'd you end up doin' last night?
Him: Oh, Tiann came over, we jumped on the trampoline and hung out.
Me: That's cool.......not ReAlLy.

Grr.. that pisses me off as well. I mean I know he wants to hang with his friends and stuff. But I asked him previous to these people and he just decides to hang out with them and not even let me know. So here I am a pathetic fucking puppy waiting for it's owner that never shows.

Okay. Done with that now, onto the next week. It was band follies and stuff and I've been feeling really depressed lately. Mainly about the relationship I am in and myself in general. It feels like I'm trying everything I can to get him to see me and it's like he doesn't want to. The whole time during follies he was with kelly.
Then thursday, he called me. We talked for a little bit and then he said he was at the track meet and that if I wanted to talk to him he would have his cell on and with him and to call. Then, the next day he called as well. He talked to me for a little bit and stuff and then he had to go. Yesturday/last night was prom. We spent the whole day together. We went to grand rapids at like 10 and got back at around two. We went to get his vest and then we went to krispy Kreme and got donuts, then to best buy and guitar center. We came back he stayed for about a half an hour then went home to take a shower and stuff. I did the same thing as well. He came and picked me up at 4 and we went out to eat. We get back at 7 and we change into our prom stuff. We get pictures,go to his house and get more pictures and then finally we are off to the dance. It was pretty fun I guess. We left a little early and just drove around, looked at houses.

I went over to rachel's today and we hung out and went to family dollar.
And now I'm home..feeling not like myself.

4 confused. | dazed?

:: 2004 7 April :: 5.41 pm

I almost died today. I almost passed out and I was in over a foot of water. So I would have drowned.

I'm gettin gmy hair done today. Bryan might be coming over. If his ass calls sometime soon...

I had an akward conversation with my mom. She saw a woman she despised and I asked why. She simply replied I'll tell you when you are older. I was like .. oh I know... and she' s like you do and I go yeah.. I wasn't stupid when I was younger. And she's like how could you know.. your brother doesn't even remember. And I was like.. are you sure and she was like yes. I really think he remembers. I remember... I remember everything, where she lived, what car we had, where we went out to eat with her..

3 confused. | dazed?

:: 2004 4 April :: 2.47 pm
:: Music: Red hot chili peppers

Peace of mind
Bryan came over last night. He got here at about 8 and didn't leave until quarter after 11. It was.. spectacular. Wow. I'm still all excited about it. I can't stop thinking and feeling how he made me feel. When I breathe I feel open, each breath feels so good. *sigh* Bryan is the best kisser. Haha. Man.. I'm completely head over heals for him!


:: 2004 2 April :: 2.42 pm

Hey! How are you? I hope only the best. So how was your day yesturday? Mine was good. My favorite part was lunch. That is my favorite time of everyday, because I get to see you and talk to you. Do you remember the converstaion in band yesturday? About the "kissing" thing. I really do not care. I never have cared. I told you that I didn't care. I told you I was open to anything, except the final thing. About the other kissing thing, I didn't know how you would feel if I just kissed you. But now that I know you wouldn't care, I will do it more often..

About the concert on saturday, i am not sure if I can go. I did not ask my parents, because my mom was not home by the time I got home from drumline. When do you need to know by? when are you buying the tickets? My parents are going to want to know who is going, who will be driving and all that kind of stuff. Well I am going to go. Do you have to babysit tonight? I might call when I am in G.R if not, I will when I get home. Love you!



:: 2004 27 March :: 11.40 pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: Impure~ Joyride

I want to see these guy's concert.
Let's see here... Last night I was at the High School the whole time. We were mingleing with the SouthField Christian Jazz band. All of us went to B.C Pizza and and then came back to the High School and chilled. I stayed up till about 3 or 4 and I woke up at about 7 30. so I got about two and a half to three and a half hours of sleep. I got up at 7 30 to go shopping. I ended up taking back my first dress and buying the black one I wanted originally. I got back and talked to Bryan on the phone. Then, I baked some cookies and went to the High School. Bryan showed up and we hung out for a while at the show. I made him slow dance with me :) It was cute. He was so embarrassed but he sucked it up and danced with me. When we got back to my house we ended up dancing in my room to "running" by No Doubt. He pulled me tight and ran his jaw along my neck sending chills down my spine. After that, we layed on my bed and cuddled a little bit. I love it when he runs his hands along my curves, especially when it's bare skin to skin. This just makes every bit of contact ten times more sensitive and sensual. And then, my father made him leave. Just as we start getting comfy, figures...


:: 2004 25 March :: 9.53 pm
:: Mood: Scared
:: Music: Goodbye~ NSN

Gonna Miss You
Alright, Things are going.. odly.
Kelly (bryan's best friend/cousin/wants him) is trying out for cheerleading now and I have a major problem with it. I can't act like myself around her and she is going to take away one thing that bryan and I have together. This is how he found out how I really acted. I can be me in cheer. Now I can't. I don't like her. At all. I would love to say I hate her. But I know I don't. I just... Guh... she pisses me off so frickin' much. She makes me want to cry. She is intimidating and makes me feel like I'm worthless. It's amazing what one person can do JUST by their presence. She makes me feel completely lost and like I don't belong. It's just so.. akward. I can't take it. If she makes cheer. I honestly think that I would have to quit. Otherwise I would break down because she bothers me so much. I'm such a horrible person for thinking all of this. I guess I can be horrible once in a while. She makes me feel horrible...


:: 2004 22 March :: 10.37 pm

my journal's one year old.


:: 2004 21 March :: 9.49 am
:: Mood: content
:: Music: None

I'm sorry... sooo sorry.
Bryan came over last night. He got his ear done! It looks really cool. He called me after he got it done and he passed out! The guy there said it happens all the time though. Something about being really excited and having your sugar levels go down and blood pressure up or something. Anyways, he came over and I saw it and it looks very cool. I like it. When I saw other people's industrial in the ear it looked kind of .. not that cool. And I actually like his, it looks good. We were laying on my bed or something and I put my arm around him and I accidentally hit it.. and it turned really dark red. I felt bad! I have to keep my hands below his head now so I don't hurt him.

Today is sunday, a boring day filled with Maybe I can go to grand rapids with my grandma! Yay! I havn't done that in a long time. Maybe she can take me to jc penny so I can take back my dress and find a new one! Well... I'm off to get ready for church.


:: 2004 19 March :: 10.09 pm
:: Mood: Happy
:: Music: none

Right back where we started from...
Things are going well now. Bryan and I talked about this week and stuff. About how he feels about the girls that leave when we go to his locker. They don't like me and he tells me not to take what they say to heart. Their opinions don't matter. He thinks it's humerous that they are jealous of what I have. I think it's pretty funny that they are that pathetic. He is going to cedar to get his ear done tomorrow. I guess someone told him there was a good piercing and tattooing place there. I tried to take back my prom dress but ...there werent any other dresses there and I guess this one is okay for now. I did buy some venus razor refils. My legs are very hairy. Bryan said that he could picture us together. Together as in married. And I am alright with that.


:: 2004 18 March :: 4.32 pm

everything...reality, and I just want to go away says:
what did you think when you saw me in band?
tyler says:
haha...just that..i wish you wqould put your mouth on my pp

damn.. it's tempting especially how bryan has been treating me lately. But I won't.. and tyler knows I wont...


:: 2004 17 March :: 9.48 pm

My new picture is of my friend tyler from school. He's in the band Never Say Never. You should check out the site

Good band, check them out!


:: 2004 17 March :: 9.08 pm

Hey! What's up? Not a lot here. I just wanted to tell you that I had a great time with you on the bus ride home from the district game. I just want to thank you again for listening. Did you have fun? I sure did. Thank you for "commanding" me! We will have to do i tagain. (hint!) Just messing. So how are you? Only the best i hope. Maybe I can come over on saturday! We can watch a movie.

So mike was upset about the car thing I guess. He yelled at me when I got home. Oh well. He'll get over it. Have you seen Texas Chainsaw Massacre? it is Scary! Really Scary! We should watch it. I hate my cursive! It sucks really bad! Can you read it? I hope so. If not, we have a problem.

I really like You! I mean really! I hope you feel the same! Well I better go!

Thanks for listening


:: 2004 13 March :: 11.06 pm

I'm Sorry
Tonight.. turned out way better than I expected. But!! first last night...

I was suppose to have bryan come over at like 6 to get his car looked at but he didn't show up so I was upset. I tried to call him, but no one picked up. I come home at like... 10:30 and Sarah is online and is bored and alone, so I go to her house. We talk till about one and then we both go to bed.
Olivia comes in and wakes me up at 7:30 in the morning. I stay there till about 8:30. I go home and Sarah calls and wants me to go to the mall. So I take a shower and we leave. I try to call bryan, still no answer. We go to the mall and I buy my prom dress and a bunch of accesories to go with it. We leave and I call bryan's house. No answer... so I leave a message this time. Mike (step-dad) calls me back and tells me that he is in Grand Rapids and I should call his cell. So I do and he finally answers. He tried to call me as well! He told me that the reason why he didn't show up was because the guy he was suppose to meet that was selling the car was late. We talked about how we had made plans to see each other tonight and he wasn't sure if he could make it. He gets home at around 7 and calls me and says he can come over. So he comes over. :) Stan and my Bro are here and my dad is playing the drums and all the stuff is set up to play. We had a live band! Olivia wouldn't leave bryan and I alone so we took her home and came back here. We went upstairs and began to watch a movie. But.. right in the beginning he pulls me on top of him and...


:: 2004 13 March :: 8.44 am

Well, I was up late last night and now I am up early thanks to olivia. I went to the play and helped out the whole time. I didn't get to see any of it except for the last two scenes. It was good then?! Haha. Bryan was suppose to come over yesturday at 6 with a car but he came late and we had already left. I felt bad... Anyways he should be coming over today and so is one of my dad's friends and my brother to make noise. Sarah said that We could come down and use her house so that's cool. I'm tired and olivia is making me a card so I'm going to go..


:: 2004 9 March :: 9.53 pm
:: Mood: drained/content
:: Music: Dashboard Confessional~Screaming Infedelities

Gonna Miss You
*sigh*:) I'm sore but yet I feel so good. I can't stop smiling. I'm always happy these days. Even if I fall and land on my face.. If he's there I'll be laughing and crying at the same time. I've been weightlifting everyday. My dad says that I look like I have muscle so that is good:) Districts are tomorrow, Yay. Bryan is getting his industrial soon and I am going with him to get it. It's going to be gross!! O~well... I'm off to weight lift some more.

dazed? | Random Journal