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behindmysmile

:: 2004 5 June :: 11.59pm
:: Mood: drained

Now that u r in mah life, i am stronger within..
Wow, this weekend/the last week of skool..was.. amazing, wonderful, and soo much fun Im thinkin i did really good on woodruffs exam so that makes me really happy. That was friday. 1st hour. Then second hour, hung out in arkisons room. wif christine, and peggy and arkison and then kyle n derek n all of them. It was soo much fun But im soo going to miss them tons but peggy is gonna take meh christine n de out to arkisons house this summer So that outta be fun.

Then friday afternoon, was cedar point That was a fuckin blast. Ariel n I hung out most da time. im soo glad dat black bitch moved here hah. [Hooowww y0o doing? lmfa0] BIG BOOTY HOE lmfa0 shes da best. I luhv dat chick.

Then today, hung out wif kimmy court tommy david tasha n sum others all day. Ended up not going wif becky to the movies. oh wells i guess. We'll get together soon enough, were gettin really close lately, im glad!!

Im hoping to see mah bff Britt sometime soon. That would be awesome. And mah b day is on wednesday so im happy bout dat. [Ali jean, i got ur present in da mail earlier today, i fuckin luhv y0o babii gurl, thanks tons!! P.s. ur card was beautiful i fuckin loved it]

But thats enough for now, me n mah sissy *megs* got shit to talk bout, since shes finally home but she aint stayin..=( But we gotta talk, before i go to bed. Latah every1 i luhv y0o all.

Chels in case you read this, we need to get together, i luhv y0o!!

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behindmysmile

:: 2004 2 June :: 5.16pm
:: Mood: frustrated

I look at * y0o * 'n sMiLe for [no] reason at all..
Wow, today was okay at first, but turned bad. I got a B on my exam in renteria's class. Then slept all 4th hour. Another day of relaxation. But 2marro starts the hard stuff im nervous but our math second section i failed the 1st section i know. But i should do good on the next part lol Neways.

But yeah, this weekend=busy. Thurs, 2marro skool, bank, lansing mall, *cloths for cedar point* subway for me n cass's lunch. Then stop by Kimmy's, then home. Friday Cedar point babii Saturday Harry Potter 3 wif Becky n than helpin mom. Fun fun fun lol.

Awwe, me and Sidnee Duffey have gotten even closer these last couple of days. I missed being good friends wif her. I cant wait till June 23rd lol. Shes the best ever!! I luhv y0o duffey hehe. Plus Brandy is leavin urgh, 2 mre dayz. Im gonna miss her tons. now that its only 2 dayz, i know im gonna miss her more than i thought.. but hopefully we chill sometime..

Well thats it for today, ima get going. Gotta wake up early 2marro. Luhv y0o all lotz. <3.

Read more..

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behindmysmile

:: 2004 1 June :: 11.33am
:: Mood: bitchy

Its not enough to want..
Omg im in the most bitchy mood today. Im like yellin at every1 and arguein wif all my teachers n friends I dont know, im jus really being a meanie lol.

Brittany is in michigan doesnt that jus make all of you feel better knowin the best person in the world is in your state lol. I luv you tons babii gurl. Bestest Buddies forever and always

This weekend was a blast!! I hope all of you had a good weekend cuz i sure did. =) The zoo yesterday was awesome I wanna go again. Im going to ask, bout mayb? this weekend? or sometime this week? And i wanna ask Britt if she wants go? i dont know. But it was mucho fun. =)

Nothing really else to write about. exams are today but i dont have to be here. Thats why im here in uprights class again lol. Cuz i dont have to take my science or lit comp exam bcuz im failing both of those classes. So im gonna see bout stayin here online all day lol. I knew i souldnt have come today. But it was fun for the first 2 hours wif duffey lol.

Duffey remember, Denny's breakfast, on June 23rd lol. *same day as me n britts 2 years lol.

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behindmysmile

:: 2004 26 May :: 6.28am
:: Mood: exhausted

There must be more than this..
We've gone our own ways
and I know its for the best,
but sometimes I wonder
will I ever have a friend like you again?


Well nothing really been going on still. Exams are startin This week!! im soo nervous. Cuz sum of my classes, i cant pass w/o passin the exam. which totally blows but oh well. And its offical, I will be a freshman next year. Well for the 1st half then a Freshmore lol. But i dont really care. Im still thinkin bout summer skool but im pretty sure tahts still a big NO NO!! lol, no way im going to waste my summer when i can jus make up at skool lol. Neways.

Me and Courtney and Sherry and the other Sherry and my mom and wilson and david and jessica and Ashley and Kimmy and whoever else there was, are planning our cedar point trip for this June 19th. I wanted Britty to go, but im not sure she wants to now but oh wells i guess. Maybe Cassie can still go, not that i really want her to But i dont know right now. Plus the skool cedar point trip is coming up real soon. Its June 4th I cant wait. =) Im going wif Cassie b Lisa Scottie, Megan, Laura, Ashley, Amber n whoever else is going lol.

Well thats all the news for today. I guess mayb ill write more t nite. But ive got counseling t nite so i dont know. =(

P.s. Malissa, sorry bout last nite when we were on the phone, my mom is sucha bitch, I luv you soo fuckin much lilmofuggy!!!! =)

♥ Ali jean you are my everything, i luv you soo fuckin much ♥

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behindmysmile

:: 2004 24 May :: 5.53pm
:: Mood: rejected

Will time heal this hurt?
Well lets see here. yesterday was Kirstens b day!! So that was fun. Had an okay weekend but dont really wanna talk bout it right now. So neways.

I think i made a huge mistake a very huge mistake. The only pesron i have left now, is my babii ali jean not that thats a bad thing. cuz shes my life but i dont have stacey or britty *i think not britt* Anymore. I mean i have My lilmofuggy Malissa too. But nobody like britty. I dont know anymore

Oh gosh. Theres this new guy everyone. If you really wanna know about him then ask. But omg, hes the kind of guy your parents want to bring home Hes the preppy church volenture kind of guy. Hes the kind of guy who truely cares about gurls, and treats them right. I'll get some pics on here hopefully soon. But yeah. i hope thigns work out

Neways thats enough for now. I'll write more when i have more gossip lol. =)

♥Ali jean i luv you more than life itself you are my everything. ♥

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behindmysmile

:: 2004 21 May :: 7.14pm
:: Mood: lonely

You've fucked me over, once again
Ohh wow. Today & yesterday was hell I dont even know where to start. Okay 1st hour, Kristen n Mr. Woodruff, both saw blood that was soakin through my shirt. Yeah i had cut myself that morning. Then he took me to Arkison she called Kim Kim and Arkison called my mom and then my mom called my counsler So they could talk about it. Ended up only going to 3rd hour yesterday. Yeah, called Kim 4th hour, to see if she would pick me up from skool. my mom ended up being there and stole the phone from kim. my mom said i couldnt go to kims t nite So im like wtf ever ya know. I jus jus didnt wanna deal wif my mom But ended up kim showed up at my house right when i got home. went to her house and we talked. even more than me and my mom did. Yeah thats about it. Xcept now i cant go to riot

My mom is fuckin retarded!! i hope she does go to jail on the 1st like she is surposed to. While shes there i hope she dies i fuckin hate her. shes immature and fuckin stupid. im jus going to run away t nite ='( I fuckin cant live here, wif these dumbasses.

Well thats enough for now. Latah everyone. ='(

I luv you Ali Jean Maloney, your my best friend ever!! ♥

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behindmysmile

:: 2004 19 May :: 6.45pm
:: Mood: nauseated

I still need you here wit me babii..
Well lets see here, everyone wants me to update and everything, i really dont know what to say, nothing much has really happened lately i guess. Well..today i went to counseling..yeah that was really kind of..uhm..sad n stuff i started bawling of korse..and even she knows how much i hate crying..but yeah we talked about some interesting stuff..and i think i mite have a plan to get outta here. But i have to think about it ya know..neways.

Ya know, everything is going real wrong lately. And i really dont know what to do. I miss when things were finally okay I jus wish that i knew how to get back to that point i need kyndra..i need group, i need arkinson, and i need laurie. But who do i have, ONLY LAURIE And none of my friends are being good friends except of korse ali jean Stacey roo and Malissa *lilmofuggy* But thats it. i jus dont know wat to do anymore. i feel so hopeless and worthless

Well thats it for complaing today. i luv all of my friends Latah everyone.

<33 Jillane <33

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behindmysmile

:: 2004 18 May :: 7.58pm
:: Mood: hopeful

May 18th
I am receptive to the idea that...I always have a choice
about how I respond to experiences in my life.

If you have ever thought of yourself as a victim, you will have difficultly trusting yourself, god or anyone else. As long as you are a victim you will have someone to blame, someone to hold accountable for what went on and what is going on in your life. Sure, something unpleasant happened! That was then, this is now. There is no need for you to remain a victim. As long as you are a victim you can take no share of the responsiblity for who you are, what you do or how you feel. You see, victims do not respond in choice, they react in fear. As long as you are in fear, you cannot trust.
As long as you are a victim, you cannot see the lesson. In fact, you may not want to see the lesson. You want an explaination! You want the whys answered, but no matter what anyone says, you will not believe it because you don't trust anyone. As a victim you cannot admit that you have grown and are growing in response to your experience. Rather than choosing to see and celebrate your growth, you choose hurt, anger, fear, indignation and self righteousness. In fact, the taste of anger is probably rising in your throat right now because you don't trust that anyone knows how horrible it was for you. Nor do you trust that anyone other than you understands how that horror is still very active in your life. They do. They also realize that the reason you cannot let go of being a victim is because to do so means deciding for yourself what else you can be. And victims do not trust that they can do that.
Until today, you may have been singing a victim song so loud that you did not realize that there is a redemption song. Just for today, trust yourself enough to sing your own praises about how far you have come, how much you have done, how much more you are willing to do, in spite of all you have experienced.

Today, I am devoted to trusting myself to break the chains
and shackles that have made me a victim!

I love mah babii Ali jean!! Your my best friend i luv you!!

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behindmysmile

:: 2004 18 May :: 7.55pm
:: Mood: silly


Hey everyone..theres this book that, the social worker, sherry gave me today because it was our last day today talking, and its like a book where you read one entry every day. And it has the date on it and everything, so im going to write every day in here. Just so you all can read it lol. =)

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behindmysmile

:: 2004 15 May :: 11.05pm
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: Amazed --lonestar

Please do this!! =)
Post anything that you want, and post it anonymously. Anything. A story, a secret, a confession, a fear, a love - anything. Be sure to post anonymously and honestly. Post more than once, if you'd like. Then, put this in your journal to see what your friends have to say.

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behindmysmile

:: 2004 13 May :: 9.13pm
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: Yellow card--ocean avenue

I'd run right into your arms, if i could..
Well omg, today was an interesting interesting day!! gues wat everyone Nicole had her baby!! Omg im soo excited..we are gonna go see her tommarow.

Name April
Born May 13th
7 pounds 8 oz.
21 Inches long

YaYaY!! Im soo excited. And guess wat else, Miss Conrad/Mrs Beer is having a BOY!! Awwe thats soo exciting, she emailed me today and told me what it was.

So all of that is exciting, plus Will asked me out again today. But i said no again, i said that me and this guy are talking. And me and this guy are really talking, I really like this guy alot But theres ntohing going to happen between us, but who could blame him.

But i think that im going to get going. becky and herboyfriend are like about to break up or something and i know that she really needs me right now so im gonig to get off and call her. I luv you all tons.

Only like 18 DaYz until Britt gets here

I love Jay Master Jay, forever, even if he dont luv me!!

hehe love always, Jillian!! =)

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behindmysmile

:: 2004 11 May :: 7.17am
:: Mood: intimidated
:: Music: Yeah --usher n lil jon n luda

Sometimes i wonder what could have been..
Wow, yesterday seriously turned totally around on me. It started an okay day and turned out to be horrible Im havin way too many of those kind of days lately. I dont know wat to do anymore. I feel so drained mentally and physically

And ya know what, there goes my credit that i was actually going to get or lit comp B bcuz my computer took a shit on me and its not printing right. And if you dont do this project, then you fail Now thats what 8 credits i have to make up. And ill be a stupid freshmen next year too. =(

Well im gonna go i hate skool but i must go. Well bye everyone. ='(

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behindmysmile

:: 2004 6 May :: 11.51am
:: Mood: flirty


Haha im sittin here in renteria's class when im surposed to be in gym cuz i didnt feel like running track today so i skipped. Neways

Omg everyone britt is coming here in only 24 DaYz I cant wait. Britt I luv you u more than anything. Youíre the best friend that anyone could ever have. besterest buddies forever

Gosh we soo better get together this summer, and A LOT or else im soo going to be like major pissed. Dude im like coming to see you as soon as you get here. I miss you!!

Neways gotta get going to lunch soon so latah everyone..luv you all byes!!

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behindmysmile

:: 2004 5 May :: 12.04pm
:: Mood: impressed

Life without you, isnt..
Awwe man i aint wrote in here in like forever. Right now is my lunch period but since we have early starts the lunch is messed up and the only person thats really on my lunch today is cassie, and yeah im really not surposed to talk to her i guess. =/ I dont know so here i am talking away.

Neways omg i miss all of my friends soo flipping much. Brittany and Ali jean and Chelsie, and Jay, and Megs, and like all of you. I miss you all way too much and im seriously soo sad without you all i luv you! =(

But neways, nothing much really gonig on around here..well lots of stuff is but nothing that i really have time to write about in here. But i dont know maybe ill update this 2marro. Im not sure ive been really busy with this website that im making and everything. =/ Ohh yeah in bowens class we have to make vignettes which are storys about our lives, and yeah 1. is about the campground..and another is about brittany *its about someone who ahs influenced our life.* yeah its going great im happy.

But yeah i met this guy, the only prob is hes black. But hes soo sweet and awesome. I dont know im hopin to see him this fri. wilson is going to chicago this fri. Excited for her. Newyas im gonna get going to lunch. Luv you all soo much latahs.

p.s. britt when are you comin to mich?

<33 meeehhh!!

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behindmysmile

:: 2004 28 April :: 11.50am

I think im in luv wif you..
Nothing really going on today, I ended up not going to brandys yesterday which was a really good thing. Omg do you guys remember me talking about my sister? And then Nicole? Well yeah they got caught breaking and entering to my aunts house. And now their going to jail..the only reason they didnít yesterday was because they were cut and bleeding all over.

Yeah it was kind of a crazy night last nite. And ya know what the funny thing is, im more worried about Nicole than I am my own sister. But Nicole is like a sister to me..ive known her forever. And im pretty sure this is her 3rd felony. Omg im nervous.

Dude I tried calling you again yesterday Brittany but of korse u donít answer as always. But oh wells..im sorry sweetheart u know that I luv you more than anything in this whole world. And I miss you tons!! =/

Well ima go for now..weíve got an early release and its almost time to LEAVE SOON!! W0ot w0ot im soo happy. I think im gonna go over to brandys or something. Luv you all lots. Latah everyone.

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