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:: 2005 19 July :: 7.04 pm

Despite how bad things got today I still managed to be productive. Turned down going and getting stoned with a few friends, went and applied at a few places for a new job. Possibly found a roommate. Somehow I still feel that empty spot.

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:: 2005 19 July :: 6.57 am

She begged for my help and I turned away
If I felt sick before it was nothing compared to this. I hate people. People are decietful, diguisting and untrustworthy. No respect at all.

I left. I left people on the highway look like they were standing still weaving in and out of traffic. I waved to a few of the fucks who got in my way, they got back out quickly. Remind me to clean the blood off my steering wheel. And this keyboard.

I thought she liked me. You know, this is a classic example of same shit different day. I knew this was going to fucking happen. Why did I let it. I thought she liked me. I'm still partially intoxicated. I don't blame some of you for wondering what the hell I'm on right now.

I never want to drink again. I never want to kiss again. I never want to get close to anyone again. I took another chance and got blasted. Another chance. I've posted before that line. "I thought she liked me".
I hate myself. I hate you.

I'm trying to find a reason not too. I'm such a chump. I fool myself into believing there is something there when there probably isn't. Probably making a big idiot out of myself for no god damned reason. I think I'm going to go vomit.

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:: 2005 15 July :: 11.12 pm
:: Music: The Streets - Dry Your Eyes

It's the waiting that kills me.
I just can't help but wonder what's going to happen next.

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:: 2005 15 July :: 2.36 pm
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: Bubbles - Bidibodi bidibu

I hope she didn't see my stupid little dance of joy...
Okay, so maybe last night turned out to be the opposite of a let down. It actually turned out to be pretty decent, dare I say, fantastic.
All I really don't think should've happened is me pushing myself on her so much. The girl deserves some tim, she just got out of a big relationship.
I will say though, I may just like her but I love being around her and making her smile. It's easier to be myself around her now. I really don't know why.
I think I'll end this one with the catch phrase of the night...."Are you uncomfortable?"

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:: 2005 14 July :: 7.26 pm

I'm so tired of the let downs. Can't anybody just show up like they're supposed to? Never seems to be the case.

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:: 2005 7 July :: 5.58 pm
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: Fuck the Police - Rage Against the Machine

I got bored waiting for a call.
A long annoying survey I decided to take for the sake of time passage.

001) What time did you start this?:
Almost 6pm
002) Name?:
003) Date of birth?:
November 16,1986
004) Sex?:
005) Height?:
About 5'11"
006) Eye color?:
007) Weight?:
143 pounds. Real fat ass material.
008) Location?
The mitten state.
009) Do you currently love anyone?
Not in particular. No.
010) Do you have crush on someone?
011) Do you have a bf/gf?:
012) What are you wearing right now?
Boxers and Khaki pants.
013) Would you have sex before marriage?:
Been there done that.
014) Have you ever had a crush on any of your teachers?:
I live in cedar, have you seen these teachers?
015) Do you smoke?
Not anymore.
016) Do you drink?
Last night at a party, but I don't really favor it much.
017) Are you a player?
Hell no. I wish.
018) What are your favorite colors?:
Green, Orange, Blue...
019) What is your favorite animal?
Wolves are pretty kick ass.
020) Do you have any birthmarks?
Yeah, one on my left butt cheek that looks like Wistler's mother.
021) Have you ever gotten your ass kicked?
No, and I don't really look forward too it. I don't really like fighting.
022) Have you ever beat someone up?
I broke a kid's nose in my first fight, felt terrible afterwards.
023) Have you ever been slapped?
If you'll simply read my answer to #4 you'll know.
024) Do you get online a lot?
Yeah, only way to get ahold of friends when I have no cell phone.
025) Are you shy or outgoing?
Depends who I'm around, I try to be outgoing most of the time though.
026) Do you shower?
Shower? What is that?
027) Do you hate school?
...ha...what a silly quesYES.
028) Do you have a social life?
It's summer, I work, and I'm out of school and nobody likes me, what do you think? Of course I do.
029) How easily do you trust people?
I like to try and make new friends, but most people aren't very trusting. Some people you can pick up on right away as being not very trust-worthy.
030) Have you ever lied to your best friends?
Yeah, but mainly if I promised someone else I wouldn't say something. I try to stick to my promises.
031) Do you have a secret people don't know?
Many Many Many. Here, I'll tell you a few...
032) Would you ever Sky Dive?
Oh hell yeah. Base jump too!
033) Do you like to dance?
Not at all, like most white boys, I just don't have the funk.
034) Have you ever been out of state?:
Who wouldn't want to get out of this state?
035) Do you like to travel?
Not alone, I prefer company on my trips.
036) Do you want to get out of your hometown?
Yes, but sadly, I think I'd find myself back here, because I'd have no one to go anywhere with.
037) Are you a brat?
No, brat's are full of themselves and think they deserve everything, I'm more of an ass.
038) Have you ever been dumped?
039) What’s your favorite soda?
I cannot resist an ice cold pepsi. Diet pop is like piss in a can.
040) Do you like Snapple?
Not as much as Sobe. I love my sobe.
041) Do you drink a lot of water?
No, don't really like it. I should drink more though.
042) What toothpaste do you use?
Rembrant whitening my ass. Been using this stuff for weeks and I haven't seen a change.
043) Do you have a cell phone or pager?
No, I'm poor and white, not a good combination at all.
044) Do you have a curfew?
No, I'm a freebird with nowhere to go.
045) Who do you look up to?
Used to look up to Malcom X...sorry, couldn't resist. I can't really think of anyone right off hand.
046) Are you a role model?
I really hope not, those'll be some fucked up kids I tell you what.
047) What kind of jewelry do you wear?
A leather necklace...I want a hemp one damnit.
048) What do you have pierced?
One on the top right ear, and two on the lower left ear.
049) Do you like taking pictures?
No, all they do is preserve moments. Some moments are best left priceless and precious. A thing of heart.
050) Do you like getting your picture taken?
No I have this disease that makes me squint and make stupid faces into a lens.
051) Do you have a tan?
No, I'm an irish boy, it's hard as hell to simply get color.
052) Do you get annoyed easily?:
Yeah, when people get a little too familiar with you and step over the line.
053) Have you ever started a rumor?
Haha, yeah, it was great.
054) Do you have any siblings?
Yes, a sister, 29 years old, she's the only family I truly have.
055) Do you prefer boxers or briefs?
Briefs. Boxers let too much swing around and ride up, gets annoying to do anything after a while.
056) Do you get along with your parents?
#1) Parent. #2) What sane individual does?
057) How do you vent your anger?
Usually I box it up for a while until I flare at something tiny and insignificant.
058) Have you ever run away?
No, but I moved out for about 3 months.
059) Have you ever been fired from a job?:
Nope .
060) Do you daydream a lot?:
061) Do you have a lot of ex’s?:
Not compared to most people.
062) What do you want a tattoo of?
My birth sign over my heart.
063) What do you have a tattoo of?
Still to poh to affohd one yo.
064) What are your favorite flowers?
065) Are you rude?
If I don't like you I'll make it obvious.
066) What was the last compliment you received?
I really couldn't tell you. It's been a long time.
067) Is your belly button an innie or outie?
Actually, it's flat, so there is no belly button. Just kinda runs in with my abs. Oh wait, my bad, innie.
068) Are you flexible?
Depends, battling vicious hordes martial arts style, or intercourse?
069) What is your heritage?
Straight from Ireland about 3 generations ago.
070) What does your hair look like right now?
Messy but pretty hot I'd say. It's clean *shrug*.
071) Could you ever be a vegetarian?
Hell no. I love animal flesh.
072) If you had to completely dye your hair it'd be what color?
Rainbow. Or orange.
073) would you ever date someone younger than you?
If I cared.
074) Would you ever date someone older than you?
If I cared.
075) When was the last time you were drunk?
Last night.
076) When was the last time you went on a date?
Pff. I never really go on dates. Girl's don't like a guy that's willing to spend time with them, be loyal and eventually marry them and love them for the rest of their lives. They like assholes.
077) Have you ever had an eating disorder?
No, I enjoy my 8 meals a day.
078) How many rings until you answer the phone?
Depends if I'm on the can or not. They always call when you're using it.
079) Do you look more like your mother or father?
My father, though I have no idea what he looks like.
080) Do you cry a lot?
No, I haven't been able to cry for a long time.
081) Do you ever cry to get your way?
Hell no, I cuss and swing and throw my liqour bottle like an angry bum!
082) If you had to amputate one limb, what would it be?
...I'd kill myself before never being able to run or swim ever again.
083) what phrase do you use most on the phone?
084) Are you the romantic type?
Haven't had the chance or reason to be for a while now.
085) Have you ever been chased by cops?
Oh god yes. Multiple times in my freshman-junior year.
086) What do you like most about your body?
I like the definition I get natural, mainly because of my metabolism.
087) What do you like least about your body?
That I'll workout, but gain no mass, I'm still a little guy.
089) In the opposite sex, do you prefer blondes or brunettes?
I don't really prefer anything.
090) What do the shoes you last wore look like?
My white and green Etnies. Seems like everyone's getting those now-a-days.
091) Do you ever wear shirts to show your belly?
All the time.
092) What about cleavage?
Yeah, twice as much as belly shirts. Like even three times a day. I'll just go home and switch shirts to check out my boobs.
093) Is your best friend a virgin?
I think all my friends pretty much lack that.
094) What color are your underwear right now?
095) What size shoe do you wear?
096) Would you pick a wedgie in public?
You don't get those with briefs.
097) How are you feeling right now?
I feel pretty laid back, almost hot. I want to go somewhere with people.
098) When was the last time you were at a party?
Last night
099) Have you ever given a lap dance?
Haha, yes, to Justin that one bonfire at David's. He so didn't see it coming.
100) What do you sleep in?
A bed.
101) Has there ever been a rumor spread about you?
Oh yeah, people want to be me. They're jealous.
102) What is one of your bad qualities?
I don't know how to date. I always move too fast or too slow.
103) What is one of your good qualities?
I'm willing to give of myself more often than not.
104) Would you marry for money?
How much are we talking here...
106) What do you drive?
1995 oldsmobile achieva. Yeah, I paid for it, sorry by daddy couldn't buy me better.
107) For two million dollars, would you pose for Playboy?
Yeah, but I'm sure there'd be alot of unhappy guys out there.
108) What time is it now?
Almost 7 o clock. Waste of time.

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:: 2005 4 July :: 1.51 am
:: Mood: giddy
:: Music: The Salads - Get Loose

So today was a change. I called into work sick. I have no more sick days, I am actually -2 sick days now. It'd be a bad thing if I wasn't going to apply for a new job anyways. The work isn't bad, but I've been pretty much staying just for the people because the pay sucks the big one. I mean 6 bucks an hour to scapegoat. For god's sake, cashier's make 6.15 an hour to stand there and scan things all day while we do so much more. Oh well.

Today was something else. I slept so long. Hibernated. Around 7ish, I left to hang out with Tony, Erika and Jay at the Sand Lake festival. It reminded me of a time with Tanya. I missed her slightly. I rode so many rides. No more circular motions for a long time.

I ran into several people of past and present. Some were good to chill with, and one in particular gave me that overall good to see you again feeling.

Tonight I asked her if there was a chance of anything. Her reply sparked a long pushed away crush. I remember those days. I missed hanging out with her. I really have to drag her ass to the beach this time.

Well, this was a huge update, time for sleep now, I have to work at 10am.

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:: 2005 28 June :: 5.21 pm
:: Music: The Postal Service - Such Great Heights

I am thinking it's a sign that the freckles
In our eyes are mirror images and when
We kiss they're perfectly aligned
And I have to speculate that God himself
Did make us into corresponding shapes like
Puzzle pieces from the clay
And true, it may seem like a stretch, but
Its thoughts like this that catch my troubled
Head when you're away when I am missing you to death
When you are out there on the road for
Several weeks of shows and when you scan
The radio, I hope this song will guide you home

They will see us waving from such great
Heights, 'come down now,' they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away,
'come down now,' but we'll stay...

I tried my best to leave this all on your
Machine but the persistent beat it sounded
Thin upon listening
And that frankly will not fly. You will hear
The shrillest highs and lowest lows with
The windows down when this is guiding you home

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:: 2005 14 June :: 10.02 pm
:: Music: Less Than Jake - History of a Boring Town

So I'm getting a tattoo across my back. Having a friend design it. Of course I'll need money for it. There's the big issue in my life. All of my problems in life can be traced back to the lack of money. It's not fun at all.
And all the stress mounting...makes me want to crawl into a corner and assume the fetal position. I got a boost of confidence a few days ago when a paramedic instructor handed me a card and offered services. I think I'm going to call and ask if he wants a part time teacher's assistant for cheap. With the money he makes for his lectures, cheap would be like...10 bucks an hour.

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:: 2005 2 June :: 3.46 am

Why does it get to me so badly. I just don't want to give it up like that. Whenever I get smacked down, I get up and run right back for another ass whooping. I mean, it's almost like I desire the punishment. It's like....I know I felt something, so I want to fight for it, but I keep getting pulled around...and it, because I feel that I deserve it.

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:: 2005 28 May :: 10.54 pm

Amo et Odio.
"The ability to let that which truly does not matter slide."

Mmmmm....that song. I don't know why it's so appealing...probably because it mixes my favorite kinds of music into one tune.

Love forever love is free
Turn forever you and me

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:: 2005 16 May :: 10.45 pm

How can things that annoy you make good pets?
One of my pet peeves. Dictionarys that use root words to define a word.

se·ren·i·ty ( P ) Pronunciation Key (s-rn-t)
The state or quality of being serene.

No shit, now what is it. I mean I know the word but when you're pasting that for someone on messenger who doesn't know the meaning, it's a whole lot more running around for you. You think people would know the concept of deduction laced with common sense and realize that adaptations of a word simply mean that word...only adapted.

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:: 2005 13 May :: 11.56 pm

Something terribly strange happened today. My sister said something to me, and I looked at her, and I remember myself saying something and only hearing the last part. Then when I tried to remember what I'd said, it came back to me as if it was a dream. Like I didn't really say it. She looked at me and was like.....*nervous laugh* What...I don't....get it.

"It's not like you haven't killed anyone before."

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:: 2005 12 May :: 11.40 pm

Oh, very menacing. I love how people talk down on others. Ever seen two guys in a fight? It's like two birds walking around puffing their chests out running into each other. The essence of homoerotic. If one would be so wise, they should take a lesson from the novel "White Fang" and go straight for the jugular rather then the big show that truly means they're too much of a coward to act.

A verbis ad verbera || Tis the way of fools

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:: 2005 1 May :: 3.47 pm

Last night was something else. The first time I've ever been truely stoned, and drunk at the same time as well. So I was telling Nick that Elizabeth was kind've a cool girl and he says to me, come with me, I have to talk to you about something. We went up to his room and he closes the door and for a breif second I worry that he's gay. Well, he turns to the pictures on his wall and he says,
"pretty much every girl up here I've been with, but none of them have been the one. *pulls a bowl out of his pocket and starts packing it* I believe that for someone to be the one, you don't have to change for them *tokes up then passes it to me* and you don't have them change for you. *I take a deep hit and he coughs* You don't want to rush into anything, this is the girl *pass back hit* that you want to spend you life with, to find her, you don't just go for the first one that wants to go out with you. *deep drag* You understand man?"
I love Nick, he's such a philosophical pothead.

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