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So there are two songs that are kind of guilty pleasures of mine, one much more than the other. The first is The Underdog by Spoon, and the one that I'm actually kind of embarrassed about liking is I'm Yours by Jason Mraz. So I'm listening to them on YouTube and a related video to I'm Yours was this incredibly good-looking girl, probably 17 or 18, singing it. I might even like her version better than the real one. I'm pretty sure she's using a higher quality webcam, maybe something else though. I say this because it has a focus feature, which I think is not really in webcams. This is relevant because she leans in a little at one point and she goes out of focus just for a second. I don't know what it was, but seeing/noticing that like threw my desire to work with film, and more specifically comedy, into the overdrive. I've been thinking a LOT about comedy lately, coming to respect and appreciate it more than I ever have before, and really wanting to be a part of it. Over the summer leading up until now. For a while I was watching a lot of "alternative" stand-up, especially Zach Galifianakis. I like Brian Posehn too. I rented a "Comedians of Comedy" DVD that had them along with many other not as famous comedians, also alternative. I guess what makes them alternative is just that they're weird. Their jokes aren't typical and often involve nerdiness or awkwardness. I don't think of this as a real influence, but it probably is: Judd Apatow's recent movies and their quality. I'm writing this in bed and keep stopping to change my position or move my cat or put on different music, which is allowing me to think more and more on this subject. I am realizing what probably peaked my interest in comedy is finding comedians that I can relate to, with similar interests and senses of humor. Tina Fey is one of these people, along with many of the "Comedians of Comedy." (My crush for Tina Fey has calmed down as I've seen her more out of character, and realized she is a regular person. Also it pisses me off that she's married.) I've also been watching every episode of SNL and becoming more and more enamored with not as much the jokes themselves, but what goes into making the show and being a part of it. That goes for the Apatow movies too, watching their special features and being intensely jealous of everyone involved.

So there's all this build-up of comedy exposure and appreciation lately, then I go to a comedy club with Paul, Louie and Colin. Paul tells me that he's interested in trying his hand at stand-up on open mic night. This makes me think something along the lines of "Shit, someone I actually know is going to do it? Maybe I can!" Or maybe it was more simple, more "Hey, I wanna do that too!" Nonetheless, I became more interested. I had pondered it a lot while watching stand-up, but always dismissed it as something I probably wouldn't be good at, and, a little disappointed, tried to drop it. Well now I don't know. I think Paul for some reason is a very good creative/inspirational influence on me. Over the summer we talked a bit about acting, and that increased my interest and self-confidence in that regard as well. It may be because he knows those areas and the attitude I see in him is "Well, I want to try this, so I'm going to." Mine is similar: "I want to try this, but I'm kind of a chicken about it so I probably won't." I don't talk to anyone about it so no one knows or thinks to encourage me, haha. But things like a discussion on the subject with Paul can do that. I guess I just need some inspiration and confidence.

Part of why I think I might be kind of good at acting or comedy is my sense of humor overall. Basically what I do when I'm trying to be funny is drastically mislead people as long or in as ridiculous a direction as I can. I'm usually the only one that thinks it's funny, but that's probably because everyone else is the butt of the joke. When people know what I'm doing, they usually also enjoy it. From what I understand, anyway. That in its own way is an exercise in acting, I think, at a base level. I bet part of my problem is that when I do choose to bring this up to people, I bring it up to the wrong people. People that, for whatever reason, don't think I'd be good. (These may be the RIGHT people, talking me out of a bad decision, but I think it's better to try than not.) But yeah. I think I want to work on that. I think it would be amazing to be on SNL or have a career in comedy.

If you don't think about it, it's easy to consider this the third change of interest/direction for me in the past year. I kind of don't even want to talk about it aside from here because of that. I still have a lot of interest in working in the movies. I always have. I also still have a lot of interest in writing. And in comedy. These three can EASILY go hand in hand. Either doing different things separately, or doing all three at once. Who knows.

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I was going through my Favorites - some are years old - and came across the personality type test thing from sometime in either junior or senior year. If you want to test, click here. So far it's been very accurate. When I was first doing it, I wrote in a word file the results from everyone I knew. Since I pretty much never delete anything, I found it. I took the test again and got the same result of INTJ. It's insane how similar that description is to me. Similarly, I think that Colin's result of INTP matches him well. Same with Griffin, who is an ENFP. Fleming's doesn't seem as correct, but maybe that's just my mistake. He got ESFP.

Each type is linked to another type with one of 16 relations. I just thought it was interesting to see how the site said that Colin, Griffin, Fleming and I all relate to each other.

Me and Colin: Complement
Me and Griffin: Pedagogue
Me and Fleming: Anima
Griffin and Colin: Tribesman
Griffin and Fleming: Neighbor
Fleming and Colin: Novelty

I think all of those are strikingly accurate except possibly Fleming and Colin.

Ben Stein on Intelligent Design
I've really gotten lax with this. It's been over a month. Guess why I'm posting now? A movie pissed me off. This will be about more than a movie though, it's about the entire idea of creatonism and intelligent design (yes, Ben Stein, I am recognizing them as separate things). I've started enabling comments, and I've also imported this onto Facebook. So some of my posts will also appear as a new note on Facebook. Be sure to check here as well, though, because only some of my posts will go onto Facebook.

His movie, Expelled - No Intelligence Allowed, first talked about how scientists and scholars are being persecuted for their research into Intelligent Design. OK, I agree that's kind of lame, everyone is entitled to their own opinions. Persecution in this case is kind of just loss of job, ridicule, hard to get another job in that field. Stein interviews Richard Dawkins and others from both sides of the debate. The problems with the movie that can't be generalized to include all of Intelligent Design advocates are few, but kind of important when talking about the movie specifically. It was very one-sided, close-minded and it contradicted itself. First, Stein argues that Intelligent Design is not seeded from religion. Science and religion are separate, and Intelligent Design is part of science. He makes that clear. Fine, if that's the way you want it, we'll look at it that way. But then, 30 minutes later, he explores IN DEPTH how Darwinism and belief in evolution directly relate to loss of religious faith. I fail to see how that relates to his argument for Intelligent Design. Hey, Ben, I thought we were keeping science and religion separate? So, I understand that you as a religious man may have a problem with the loss of religious faith among other people. But since we're keeping science and religion separate, why are you talking about it in this documentary? The impression that I got was that Stein was trying to show the evils of Darwinism/evolution by showing that it draws people away from religion. That's just a very personal and biased way to look. He said it wasn't about religion but about a scientific theory, so why is he bringing religion into it now? Also, very early in the documentary, he looks at some alternate theories to evolution. One of them is that otherworldly beings visited Earth and seeded life on the planet. He says, in a very sarcastic tone, "Aliens?" Hey, you know what? That's a form of Intelligent Design. Intelligent beings that came to Earth and designed life for it. I'm not saying I believe that's how we got here, but I certainly don't find it any more goofy than God. The other thing that really bothered me was Stein's association of Darwinism with Naziism. The Nazis falsely used Darwinism to justify their actions. It's totally unfair of Stein to put that blame on anyone other than the perpetrators themselves. If the Nazis and Darwinism are directly related and should be grouped together, why don't we say that all Christians are on the same level as the crusaders of the 11th-13th centuries?

The problem with Ben Stein and all of the Intelligent Design advocates I've seen is that they just settled on something, and then decided to defend it to the death. Stein's argument at the end, in an intimate moment with Dawkins (where Dawkins came off as smart and reasonable while Stein came off as a total asshole), is that because Darwinists/evolutionists (this includes Darwin himself, in the 19th century) don't know how life on Earth started, that they obviously aren't reliable sources for any information. Their view is "Well, you guys don't have an answer, and we do have an answer, so therefore we should win this argument hands down." It's not as simple as that. Just because I'm wrong doesn't make you right. I can't answer the question, because I recognize that I don't know. You CAN answer the question, but with absolutely no proof. I'd rather just accept it as one of those things I'll never know.

It's OK, it's fair, to admit that you're not sure how life started. When it comes down to it, no one is sure. It's also fair to believe whatever you want to believe. But don't act like your answer is better than mine just because it covers every base, when it has no scientific backing and it offers no real explanation. We all have to admit that there are things that we just can't know and can't understand at this time. One of those things could be God, true. But one of those things could be crazy aliens putting life on Earth, like in Star Trek. One of those things could be the primordial ooze that was charged with energy and kicked into motion. One could be that a flying spaghetti monster dropped some spaghetti sauce into some gasoline and man was born. For this question that we should never stop trying to answer, we take the most likely and reasonable explanation and use that as our running theory, until something better may come along. We don't just take whatever answer is the most satisfying. We take the answer that is the most plausible, the answer that is proven in nature time and time again.

The only thing they have to put down random chance creating life is "How can you look at the complexities of one cell, or of a flower, etc., and think it happened randomly?" They also cite the statistics of how little a chance there is for something like that to happen. Do they know how little a chance there is of a supreme being that created us, loves us and watches over us? And do they know that no matter HOW small a chance there is for something to happen, it's GOING to happen. In an infinitely changing and moving universe, everything possible will happen at some point. It DOES make sense. It's a big subject. It's hard to think about. But why take the easy answer over the reasonable one?

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I'm worked up about the exact same Dane Cook shit that I wrote about earlier this summer. I have one new thing to say about him, otherwise everything I am angry and frustrated about with him right now is the same as my other entry. The new thing is that I hate that he doesn't change his act at all for any of his performances. Any that I've seen, anyway. Seen him do certain stories and bits on SNL and several different TV specials as well as one time live. And he's always the same. He has the same digressions, same hand motions, same little funny words that he sneaks in there. It really kind of irritates me. I understand when it's a new tour or something and you go to each city the same way. Who will know? But come on... if you've got 8 different TV specials, get some variety. Tell the same stories, have the same punch line, but it's not a play. It's stand up. Do things differently.

I'm watching this and right when he starts the story, mentions the sneeze, I think "Man. I should turn this off right now. If I listen to this story I'll just get all worked up and I'll be awake for hours." But I watched it and of course I'm worked up now. I'm trying to go to sleep but now I'm worked up. I'll probably get to sleep anyway, I'm tired and in bed. But ugh.

I love God!

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I'm 15 minutes away from finishing this crappy satire movie called War, Inc. John Cusack, Marisa Tomei, Hilary Duff, Joan Cusack, Dan Aykroyd, Ben Kingsley. I wasn't pissed enough to write about it until I read reviews online from people that loved it. It's a thick satire on America's dealings with Iraq and the overthrow of government by big corporations. John Cusack is an ex-CIA hitman with a heart of gold who is really emotional and sad inside and deep down is a really nice guy. He has a wife that was killed and his young daughter mysteriously vanished that same day. I've never seen anything like that before. Marisa Tomei is a flaming liberal writer who is not above setting her outgoing voicemail message to say " ." Great. Thanks for the clarification on that character. Basically it goes on and on to be totally over the top in a not-funny way. Dan Aykroyd is a super American ex-Vice President, Ben Kingsley is also super American head of CIA. He did poorly. More on him later. I think Marisa Tomei is almost always very bad. She tries way too hard. Joan Cusack is even worse. She's in I think every John Cusack movie I've ever seen. She's really fucking obnoxious and she thinks she's funny but she's just a bad actress and looks weird and talks weird. Hilary Duff is "the Britney Spears of Tajuristan" (which is the fake country made for the movie). John Cusack forms a bond with the pop star and with the reporter, who initially hates him and surprisingly falls for him. Then, it turns out at the end that Hilary Duff is John Cusack's long-lost daughter, and Ben Kingsley, presumed dead, is the mastermind behind all the bad things going on in Tajuristan. Some of it was like Southland Tales but very wannabe Southland Tales. For example, all over Tajuristan are these big display screens with shifting faces from pop culture. Captain Kirk, Fonzie, Pamela Andersen, a dolphin, and so on. The shifting faces has a masked voice that speaks and he is called the Viceroy and he is in charge of everything. That, to me, seemed Southland Tales-esque but was really stupid. I mean, Southland Tales was totally ridiculous. This tried to be serious in many ways, but then threw in these terrible over-the-top satire elements.

What pissed me off is that I went online and saw this review:

"It's really funny. I was blown away by the cleverness and originality in this film. The first 40 minutes had me on the floor in hysterics- my only problem was that it unnecessarily evolved into a bad Austin Powers film in the final 20. This however, is one of the few films where the campy ending didn't make me dislike the rest of the film (which is normally the case). Everyone gives a great performance (especially Joan Cusack) and there are some really great moments throughout. I personally plan on seeing it again when it comes out- only to catch all the details which I was laughing over during the first viewing!"

After reading this, I imagined some sad, lame person that watches terrible comedies and failure family movies and totally buys into them. "It was so heartfelt!" "The jokes were so topical!" This is someone that enjoys reading Cathy comics every morning in the newspaper. It really pissed me off that people watch Joan Cusack doing what she does in this movie and actually like it, they actually think it's funny and well done. They REALLY THINK this movie is clever and original. This is someone that would disgust me to the point of leaving the room if I saw them actually laugh at this movie. When I feel that I can see through someone like Marisa Tomei or Joan Cusack, and see how hard they are trying to be funny and quirky (this also works for Anton Yelchin in Charlie Bartlett), it usually just upsets me and makes me like them less. I'm not sure what qualities make me accept someone in this situation, and what qualities make me hate the performance. I think it's realism. I think it's really just how good the acting is. Some actors can put me in a daze and I'm totally drawn in and amazed, and others I watch and I think "Man, this person is really trying to draw me in and amaze me." I guess that's just the difference between good/great and mediocre/bad actors and actresses. Marisa Tomei, however, was pretty good in Before the Devil Knows You're Dead. Anton Yelchin is good sometimes too.

Ben Kingsley and Morgan Freeman are these classic awesome actors with great performances under their belts that now take the job less seriously. They still do good movies and give a reasonable effort, but they also don't mind giving a few days' work to the bad movies. When they are in bad movies, they aren't the great actors they usually are. Being a great actor also means you have at least a good director and supporting cast. If you're a great actor and you go into a movie where everything else is shitty, your performance can only be so good. Not only does the shitiness surrounding you detract from your performance, but actors don't work alone. You play off the rest of the cast, you work with what the director tells you, etc. It's mostly Morgan Freeman, but Ben Kingsley, Michael Caine, and some others do it too. Stop being in bad movies. If you're in one that's trying really really hard to be good, that's one thing. But the shit like 10 Items or Less for Morgan Freeman and War, Inc. for Ben Kingsley? Come on, guys. Give me a break.

And you KNOW people watch those movies just to see the great actors. "Morgan Freeman's in it! How can it be bad?!"

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They're creeping up on you! This is a horrifying and disgusting thing that I saw at one of Chris McBroom's birthday parties when I was young. I have never forgotten it and I don't think I ever will.
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
It's scarier to me because I remember it as having no dialogue and just being about a guy who slowly is overtaken by cockroaches. Now that I see the actual plot and stuff it's not as weird but still fucking weird. I was thinking about it because I looked at an upper corner of my room to notice a nice little hoard of gnat-like bugs hanging out. They gathered by the lamp over the course of a few hours. They are very small and thin, have long clear wings, and long bodies. They aren't actually long, but they are much longer than they are wide. Very tiny things that offer no threat. I'm used to having one to three of them hanging around and I usually kill them, but this was insane. There were like 20 of them. I've deduced that the only way they can get in is where my air conditioner is, because it's not sealed. For some reason, at 4:45 AM, I climbed out my bathroom window barefoot, onto my roof, and around the house to where the air conditioner in my room is. That did me no good because I had nothing to use to seal it. So then I climbed back inside. That was a bad idea. Tomorrow I will go out with caulk or a glue gun to seal the cracks. It was really crazy to see so many bugs though. I killed them all. But now I'm itchy all over. And kind of uncomfortable going to sleep knowing bugs might still get in. A lot less will, because I put tape on the sides.

I am in love with Tina Fey but she is married and has a daughter and it makes me sad. I would totally date her and I don't care if she's exactly twice my age.

I recommend watching The Lonesome Death of Jordy Verrill on YouTube as well, it's interesting.

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I've been finding quite often lately, as I've been spending a lot of time out of my element with people that aren't Colin, Griffin and Fleming, that I am very open with opinions that sometimes offend or bother others. I'm always painfully aware when it happens and it's kind of embarrassing. It even pisses me off on a totally low and irrational level. It happens the same way every time. I'm in a conversation with a person or a group of people. We're talking about stuff. It can be anything, seriously. It's always going pretty typical; everything I'm saying and hearing is stuff that I've said and heard before. I would not be surprised if that were the case for the others in the conversation as well. Then one thing I say, some opinion I express, throws off the other person/people. I think the reason it seems to happen to me so much is that I'm so used to being with people that generally agree with me, or are very accepting of my... thought patterns? Thought process? Something like that. My regular friends seem to understand the way I think, draw conclusions, arrive to them. Work my way around things. Most other people don't. My dad does often. I've got online friends that do sometimes. People like the poker group I was playing with, one or two females I've pursued, family, etc. don't. People that I'm not always completely comfortable with, I guess I open up to and say more than I should out of discomfort and in pursuit of lasting conversation. Maybe not. Maybe I'm insane and have wacky opinions that no one agrees with. But man, I just hate when the conversation is moving along and going fine and then I just say the next thing I have to say, thinking it'll be fine because everything so far has been, and the person kind of clams up. It's obvious right away that they either think I'm too cynical or negative, that I misunderstand the thing we're discussing, that SOMETHING is totally wrong with my statement and viewpoint. I can see the wheels turning and I get what's happening and it's so hard to recover from that, it drives me crazy. A lot of it is just that I'm not good at wording how I feel, and it's very easy for me to convey the wrong thing.

I'm in Portland and I'm planning to move here. That's all that's going on. Otherwise, nothing has happened to me.

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I am challenging myself to come up with a full-sized treatment (not script) for the next Batman movie. Not for me to turn in to anyone, not anything to ever be made, but I want to see how I would tie off the current Batman trilogy and what I would do, were I in Christoper Nolan's shoes. It is a very hard spot he is in, I imagine, so it would be interesting to toy with what can be done with the characters and stories in the Batman universe.

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My regular bike route:
My house to Alter via Vernor
Alter to Provencal via Kercheval
Provencal to my house via Kercheval
7.1 miles

My bike route tonight:
My house to Vernier via Jefferson/Lakeshore
Vernier to Mack
Vernier to 9 Mile via Mack
9 Mile to Harper
Harper to 8 Mile
8 Mile to Mack
Mack to my house
14.5 miles

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Someone please rape Dane Cook in his butthole because he is a devout Catholic and it will ruin his life and destroy his Christian fans. I mean, I want him raped in the butthole because of how he would react, not because he is a Catholic. But he would react that way due to his Catholicism. What I think I hate more than hearing him preach about how stupid it is for an atheist to claim that his body will become part of the earth again, is his fans cheering for it. Fine, make fun of atheists. I'm not one, and I agree, it is a total asshole thing to say "I'm an atheist" or anything along those lines when someone says "bless you" after a sneeze. So make fun of that guy. Great. What pisses me off is him saying "I was raised Catholic" and getting half the people to cheer about it. But it shows the total fucking blatant stupidity of him and his entire crowd at the final part of his little anecdote. This atheist claims he is going to become one with the earth and be fertilizer. And Dane Cook and his cronies fucking LAUGH and call the atheist stupid! Even CHRISTIANS do that when they die. You're not Jedi, your bodies don't disappear when you die. You get buried and decompose and become part of the soil again. It's how the fucking world works, as your God designed it in your belief. After this Dane Cook says "So I'm about to BLAST this guy..." How? What were you going to say in your blasting of him? "No, you're wrong! You're going to go to Hell and you will not become part of the earth! False!" (OK, if someone gets cremated they are exempt from this, but that's beside the point.) And how Dane Cook described the atheist's statement was totally ridiculous. Maybe it's word for word exactly right, but I know it's not, because it's been different in the separate times I've heard it. According to him the atheist said he'd be buried and his body would become one with this earth and he would become fertilizer for this earth and grow into a huge beautiful tree. Fine. MAYBE that is exactly what the atheist said. The atheist sounds like an asshole already, judging by his first words. And Dane Cook elaborates to say that while he was explaining his beliefs, the guy was laughing at him. That's believable, atheists usually are pretty condescending, not to say that Christians aren't. But fuck, man. It's pretty fucking lame to glorify your religion in your stand-up act, and even worse to put down someone else's, even IF the guy was an asshole. But then to laugh at this person, to get your entire crowd to laugh at this person, for stating an obvious fact... is total bullshit. And it kind of shows his general audience. Sheep. But man it pissed me off so much to see how famous and loved this guy is when he takes something true and laughs at it like it's retarded. I bet he embellished his story, fine, stand up comedians do that. I bet he knows that bodies decompose and become part of the earth. I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt that he's not an idiot. But if he's not, he's kind of a scumbag for flat out lying and pretending something is false when he knows it's not, just to get the crowd.

Now, I've been to a Dane Cook show. I saw this tour live in Chicago, and I'm now watching it on TV. I saw it because someone had a spare ticket. I had a good time seeing a friend from high school and hanging out with the other people. I laughed pretty hard at Dane Cook's jokes. There were probably a good amount of people there that were smart and aren't Dane Cook sheep. The people I was with are smart and not sheep. So don't get me wrong there. But I do think that Dane Cook and the majority of his loyal fans are total retards. Fuck you.

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I am at a point where I don't really know what to do, because there isn't a lot I can do. My dad got laid off, I can't do anything about that. We have to be totally out of the house by July 15th, I can't do anything about that except continue helping. Meaning going through all my shit. The other day I threw away all of my Playmobile toys. Legos are going in the garage sale, Dragon Ball Z toys go to Griffin, Gundam Wing toys to Fleming. I'm keeping all my Star Wars shit. My mom knows nothing about how certain things work or what to do in certain situations. Therefore, her lawyer is handling everything in the divorce. Meaning my mother is getting half of my dad's pension, 401k, etc. What's left of it. He didn't have his job long enough to fill up his pension or his 401k, so they will run out and not function properly. He doesn't have a job, he's having trouble finding one, like anyone without a job is. My mom DOES have a job. She has a job and in the next year or so will probably become a minister at a church, a full time job. The settlement was made before my dad lost his job, but I am kind of shocked and disappointed by the fact that my mom has no sympathy for his situation. He will be appealing the decision soon, and I swear to God I will go into court and do what I can to help him win it. Nothing against my mom, but he fucking needs his money, and she has no right to take it from him, even if the judge said she can. I can't believe she can look at his life right now and continue taking his money. Today I saw where my dad is moving. He's moving into my uncle's house. Thing is, the house is under heavy construction. There isn't a kitchen. It's totally and completely crowded with shit, because my uncle loves furniture and fills his home with it. My dad has a bedroom he can move into, and also a den he can use. And a bathroom. That's about it. My uncle doesn't even live there because of its condition. Estimates are, it will be finished by the end of the summer. Which will be very nice, and once they're both settled in, they should be pretty good. There's definitely enough room for them both to live there comfortably. There is not, however, enough room for them and all of their things to live there. My dad is basically trying to get rid of everything he owns. If you walk through my house, most things you see will not be in our possession after a few more weeks. He has a house's worth of things and a bedroom to move into. It sucks pretty hard. He's liquidating most of what he owns. My cat is going with him, which kind of sucks, because I'm not. I enjoy my cat's presence and I won't like not living with her. My mom has an entire basement for me to move into, on Fisher, but I am really not feeling it too much. I'll probably set up a nice space there and end up going to my uncle's quite often anyway. If/when my dad gets a job, it will probably force him to move away from here, which will kind of fuck me up too. My mom recently said that all four of us - her, me, my sister, and my dad - are kind of in limbo right now, but I don't think that's true. My mom has a house and a job and is fine. Emily and Clint will figure something out for a place to live. As long as my mom's fine, I'll be fine as far as food and shelter go. It's really just my dad. I mean, I really have no direction right now aside from writing and the fact that I want a job. Blockbuster gives me 8-15 hours a week, which is terrible. I've made no REAL effort to get a higher-paying-more-hours job.

What I want right now is this: I want to find a job and work it during September and maybe October. This job would require me to move out of my home with few possessions. I would work constantly, stopping to sleep and eat, and a break every once in a while. No internet, no friends, no life, just working. On a freighter or a fishing boat or in a mine or something like that. I would do that, write in the spare time I had, and hopefully that would give me enough to pay for more school. Afterwards I'd continue working a regular job. But if I would literally sacrifice a month, maybe even two, of my life to be financially stable for the rest of the year. To be able to attend school and live on my own. Any time I needed money, I'd use what I got bi-weekly from Blockbuster first, and try as hard as I could to never dip into what I made from my month or two of labor. I'd do that every year until I got a real job. Seriously. I want to look for something like that but I'm not really sure where to start. But I am going to look, and ask around. Right now my life just is at a low point. I'm slowly being edged out of my parents' responsibility, which is fine because I was trying to become independent anyway, but I don't really have anywhere to go without funds to pay for school. I'm trying as hard as I can to just avoid loans altogether. This is not fun living.

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I think I have the perfect physical form to become a supervillain. Or, close to perfect. Imagine my hair a bit darker, and about the length it is now. What I'd have to do is have it completely slicked back. My face is pale, and where my receding hairline is, there are visible blue veins. If my hair were darker, my pale face would be accentuated as well as the veins. With the hair slicked back, I would have this menacing and unique hair pattern. My hair is also thick, and on the sides it goes backwards in this interesting wavy way that makes me look a lot older and kind of evil. Having a very small amount of facial hair would be good too, like a modest mustache and some hair on my chin. The beard hair would start below my bottom lip in the center, then go down, and on the bottom of my jaw it would split into two points, pointing backwards. Put a black or dark red suit on me and I'd be good. Maybe a streak of white going back through my hair. I would love to look like that all the time. I think I could pull it off and look awesome and evil and menacing and probably pretty handsome too. But it would be fucking ridiculous. If I find someone worthy of being my arch nemesis, I will totally do it. Right now I can only imagine Griffin in that position, but I still like him. Maybe in a few years. Fleming is too friendly and Colin is too lazy. Everyone else is too stupid.

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There was an offer for my house, and seeing as it's the first offer in the three years that the house has been for sale, I'm pretty sure my dad is taking it. We'd have to be out by July 22. I found this all out by reading documents on my dining room table. My dad didn't say anything to me. To be fair, he and I rarely see each other due to our near-opposite sleep schedules and the fact that I am not here a lot. An hour or two ago I listened to a message on the answering machine from the real estate agent. I laughed out loud when she didn't hang up properly and then spoke to someone else about my dad. She said it was Scott Pitts' brother, the guy she was talking to asked if he's gay (my uncle Scott is), she said she likes Scott better. Said my dad is a really rough guy but nice, like a big teddy bear. It was very funny to listen to, I'm looking forward to my dad hearing it.

I am really not liking living with my dad at this point. Same would go for my mom. It's not even like living with parents anymore, it's more like having a 59 year old roommate. I know way more about his personal life and personal problems than I ever did before, and to be honest, I'm not super comfortable with it. One example is the joint I found in his sink last night. I know he's been depressed and having a rough time financially and otherwise, especially since last summer or so, but while I was at college it was kind of out of sight out of mind. Now I am around it. Another example of what I don't like to witness is the fact that he's been gone all day and still isn't home at 7 AM. He is with Theresa. Theresa is the woman he's been seeing for... two years now? Maybe a year and a half. Before December I'd only met her twice, very briefly. No one else in my dad's life had at all. But during this past school year he introduced her to his siblings and their significant others, and she fits in perfectly. She likes them all a lot and they all like her a lot. My dad's side of the family is very eccentric and out-there. We only ever see Scott and Christine, and their partners Mike and Lynne. All four of them are very different, Mike and Lynne are a lot more on the "normal" end of the spectrum and Scott and Christine are on opposite ends of their own unique spectrum. Scott is relentlessly goofy, very outgoing and fun. Everyone that meets him likes him. I wouldn't say he's flamboyant, but some would. Anyway. Theresa fits right in with the strange group of my dad's family, so she's been showing up more and more at family gatherings. The first time she was in the house was sometime in December or January for her surprise birthday party. She and my dad don't do much, really. For a long, long time they'd get together once a week for dinner and a movie, usually a rented movie at her house. Now they spend a lot more time together, but still just on weekends as far as I know. Taking my sister and I out of the equation, I think my dad might have just met Theresa about 25 years too late.

I can't think of anything that would bring my dad and my mom together. Thinking on it lately, I can't believe they lasted as long as they did, or got married in the first place. Every relationship has things that no one else sees, but I mean... they are two very, very different people on every level. Personality, likes, dislikes, emotions, I could go on and on. Thinking of my parents together just doesn't feel right. Devin and Corey, for example... there are no questions as to why they are together or how it happened.

My mom is so strange and foreign to me now. When we were at dinner, Tony went to the bathroom. The whole time he was gone, my mom was just making excuses about him. "It's just for fun, nothing serious. I think he's funny. I like this and that about him, right? I'm being casual like your dad is with Theresa." And so on. A few weeks ago she was talking to me about eHarmony or match.com or something like that. I wished her luck and asked not to be told about such ventures. She is very lonely, I think, and while I feel bad I am also still not comfortable hearing about it. I don't tell her that, of course. But she also does not understand things very often. There was no way for me to explain to her why I'm not sure I want to return to Chicago at the end of the summer. She was like a child. I said it was nothing wrong with the school, that it wasn't about living alone. Still she said "I thought you liked your classes" and "What if you lived with your roommates from last year?" (Yes, I have told her everything about them that I have written here, which is one reason why that question was so frustrating.) I told her so many times that it just is not something I am happy with. It is not where I want to be. But she just could not understand. She kept asking. My dad and my aunt Christine both understood immediately what I meant when I told them that. They also both supported me. My mom kind of does too, I guess... I think the best way to sum up my frustrations with her is to say: She is just such a NORMIE. Why would I go to an artsy school when I can go to a state school? Why would I grow my hair out? Why would I wear a black shirt on Easter? Why would I take a semester off of school? Why doesn't he believe in God? (The next one is the best, she asks it even after acknowledging the previous one.) Why doesn't he want fellowship with other Christians? None of this makes sense. Why is he doing those things, instead of what normal kids do? It is a struggle I have had with her since about 8th grade, and it's really driving me insane. She has no comprehension for the way I feel now, the way my dad and his sister felt when they were my age. There must be some REASON why he doesn't want to go back to Chicago this fall! I need to stop myself. I could go on like this forever. I really am losing interest in having a close relationship with her. She remembers almost nothing I say, which I don't care about except for the fact that she asks me questions ALL THE TIME that I've explained to her in DEPTH many times before. I'll go on for 30 minutes to her about why my roommates frustrate me and why I want to live alone, and then two weeks later she asks me why I don't want to live with my roommates next year. I can't take it.

And the thing is, my dad and I are so much alike in these ways, I can't believe he married her. I am not speaking ill of my mother at this point. They are just so fucking different. I know opposites attract and all that shit, but their differences are in places that can't be smoothed over. Like, it's hard to have a conversation.

You can read that and think I am a monster for saying such things about my mother. If you go back to my 2006 entires starting in the summer, you will see in depth what I will briefly state here. You and I are different people. We have different parents and different relationships with our parents. We have different emotional, intellectual and psychological capacities. We have different morals and different views of the world. So you have no place to judge my feelings towards my family or people in my life. I started in this vein in 2006, after I told someone that I didn't care or feel anything about my parent's divorce. They told me that "that's not right." You know, I could have erased that but I will correct it now. That person never said "that's not right" in relation to my parents' divorce. They said it about me not caring a lot about my sister. Something less judgemental and overarching about the divorce. That is my mistake. Nonetheless, that got me thinking about it a lot, and I still do sometimes. I have this little stigma about the word "normal." Any time I hear someone say someone else is not normal I get kind of angry/defensive/indignant about it, sometimes more than I should. Anyway. I just went through a bunch of old conversations from that time period. Man. I was an idiot. And man, I am very apathetic about a lot of things still. I really wish I hadn't read any of those old conversations and reminded myself how retarded I am capable of being. But I did find a picture from explodingdog.com that is perfect for me and probably for some of you too. Minus the pills. The fact that it's 8 AM right now emphasizes that.

http://www.explodingdog.com/dumbpict51/cantseemtosleepthesedys.gif

Edit Monday 6:14 AM: I'm really not as apathetic as I'd like to think. We have to move out by July 15. My dad has no job and is moving in with his brother. I will be moving in with my mom and also with my dad and my uncle I guess. It's all very upsetting to me and even more motivation for me to leave and maraud for a bit. That plus some other things are making me very unhappy lately. You may have noticed.

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Alright everyone I promised a follow-up and even though I'm a totally strange and unheard-of brand of drunk, I will deliver. I was wrong. Tony did not do the things I said he would do. My mom mentioned that I had expressed interest in rabbit-hunting and camping in the wilderness, and he proceeded to grill me on my plans for this and tell me that hunting without a permit is illegal and that trespassing is illegal. Thanks, dude. He's the kind of guy that makes a very dry joke and then stares at you, waiting for a response. Most of his jokes don't warrant a response, so you will just smile, laugh a little, nod your head. But he continues to stare at you, waiting for more of a response and following through with his dry joke told seriously. I hate when people are like that, it's really disarming, awkward and uncomfortable. Then, at the baseball game, my mom was about to get me a beer and he said she shouldn't. He said it's not a good idea to give me a beer because I am underage. What the fuck, man. If anyone is in charge of what I drink (and by the way, no one is but me,) it's definitely my mom, not you. If my MOTHER is going to give me alcohol, who the hell are you to step in? Come on. You're taking a guy that has no interest in sports to a baseball game, because you're dating his mom, and you're going to try that shit? Well, Emma was there and had read my previous entry so she texted me. We met up, I sat with her and her friends for a bit and then she sat with me and my mom and Tony for a bit. The game ended, I had to watch the fireworks. The whole night was uncomfortably hot and kind of boring. Then the drive home took forever because of traffic and stuff, and his car had no air conditioning. It did have it, but he turned it on and it wasn't very cold and smelled weird. I was sweating more in the car than at the game. I really wanted out. And I felt bad, because he did pay a good amount of money for my ticket. I tried to be polite and everything but it's like, if I'm too friendly then I'm selling out and being fake, and if I'm not friendly enough then I'm an ungrateful asshole. I think it went OK overall.

After that I found that my dad had smoked pot in his bathroom. Whoops. Not going to talk to him about that. He gave me a ride to the bar which got more fun as I got more drunk. Then we went to CAID where I danced alone for a long time and got really tired and really sweaty but had fun. After that was driving around with these people and then home.

I hate when people use the term light-year to describe time. "Don't wait another light-year before calling me again!" That doesn't work. Light year is distance, fuck you.

Tonight I felt very strange. I was drunk, but a weird mix between happy drunk and depressed drunk. Then I danced a lot and became tired, but I was exhausted tired, not drunk tired. And the whole thing wore off pretty quickly. Very strange.

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I am miserable. The temperature in my home is just cold enough to keep me from sweating or breathing poorly, and just hot enough to make me completely uncomfortable. I'm only in my boxers and I am right on the verge of sweating but as long as I don't exert myself it will not happen. I wanted to be asleep an hour ago but this horrible temperature mixed with the sun coming up and my getting-worse stuffy nose make it so that I lie in my bed, throwing the sheet off and replacing it again minutes later, turning over, moving my limbs to less warm areas of the bed, and while I do this the day gets brighter and the hour gets later and the bed keeps squeaking and right before I doze off I sneeze or need to blow my nose, which basically restarts the process by getting me out of bed or sitting up or something new and I continue to be tired and miserable while I hear my dad get up and prepare for work and while the room grows warmer due to the sunlight pouring in all around me and even if I do decide to face my father's subtle frustration and go turn down the thermostat, the change won't happen in time for me to notice and by the time it does he'll have turned it up again, so what's the point anyway, right? Every night I sleep worse than the night before.

I have absolutely no desire to meet the guy my mom has been seeing, Tony, and spend the entire evening with them tomorrow. I guess the three of us are going to dinner and then to the Tigers game. She called me a few days ago and asked if I want to go to a baseball game Friday. I thought for three seconds and said "No..." She knows that that is not something I would enjoy. But she told me that it's for her birthday, so of course I had to do it. Aside from it being the right thing to do, if I hadn't done it, she would have told me it didn't matter and then brought it up next time she was angry with me. So I agreed and then today she threw the dinner part on me too, reminding me that it would just be the three of us, as if I can back out at this point. So first I have to sit and have dinner with my mom and Tony. I don't like hanging out with new adults for two reasons. One, I have to really put on a show and be super polite and friendly, which is a lot of effort and very fake, two things I don't enjoy. The other reason is that I have to tell them all about my interests, history, future, and most commonly, how "school is going." What are they going to ask me when I graduate? How school went? Jesus. I know we don't have anything to talk about, but give me a fucking break. So tomorrow I will be eating with Tony and repeating myself for the millionth time about what things I like, what things I don't like, what I want to do when I grow up, and what kind of grades I get. (British digression: Everyone that knows that I like movies and am studying film (everyone that doesn't know me well, anyway) asks me what my favorite movie is, what I want to do in film, and then names a few movies that they like. They ask me if I have seen them, then they recommend them, then they ask what movies I've seen lately. It happens to me every fucking time I talk to an adult about my interests and I'm getting close to just telling everyone that my only interest is the Detroit Red Wings and my favorite player is Brett Farve and yes, I did see them win the World Cup against the Penguins with that final home run. Best way to do that is with a serious expression and to act like everything is right in the world. You know what? I might try that tomorrow. I will post again with the results. British digression over.) My mom isn't super fun to hang out with either because I talk to her less than my dad and basically have to run her through everything I've told him since I got home. This is how tomorrow's dinner will go: Tony and I will get acquainted with the help of my mother. As soon as that's over, my mom will jump into "WHY DO U WANT 2 LEEVE COLUMBIA I THOUGHT U LIEKED IT" and I will have to explain to her for the third time that I do like Columbia and just don't want to go back to Chicago just yet. Tony asking me how school went, what movies I like, and all of the aforementioned adult things will happen over the course of the entire meal. Tomorrow we'll see how accurate that is. I have no idea how the baseball game will go. I do know that I won't enjoy it.

I don't get why no one can keep track of my major. It started as majoring in film, concentrating in directing. I changed it a few months ago to majoring in film, concentrating in screenwriting. I told my friends and family of this change, a few times even, but none of them seem to ever remember. I don't care so much about people knowing what's going on in my life, but man, if you have me explain to you what my major is and why I changed it, keep track. And if they just keep asking me, even that I can understand. But I'm so sick of the surprised looks and then "Oh, I thought you were majoring in ______?!?!?!"

If anyone in my family finds this I hope they will never mention it to me or each other. I think my dad would ignore it, and my mom and sisters would bring it up to me. After reading this comment, they'd all ignore it except my mom, who would say "Why would I be the only one to bring it up to you after reading that?!" and get very hurt.

I really want to sleep. I cannot.