friends | profile | guestbook


Trash/Basura

recent entries | past entries


:: 2009 10 December :: 2.00 am
:: Mood: none
:: Music: none

none
I'm finally starting to realize what exactly it is that I mean when I say that a movie "is like a play," which is always a negative with me. This fucking movie, Brief Interviews with Hideous Men, directed by John Krasinski, is redeeming itself in only one way: it's bad in the ways that I find several movies bad, but it's SO bad in these ways that I can now actually put some labels and descriptions on what exactly it is that bothers me so much. Woody Allen is good enough to keep me, though unhappy and uncomfortable, from figuring out why I hate what I'm seeing so much. And as I'm writing this, fucking John Krasinski - through his directing and acting simultaneously - is shoving in my fucking face what sucks about these movies. This is seriously driving me nuts. If I had hair I'd be pulling it out.

A lot of Woody Allen movies have done this lately, especially Whatever Works and Melinda and Melinda. Now this movie Brief Interviews with Hideous Men is doing it hardcore. I always say that these movies remind me of plays and that I don't like them. That's incredibly vague and almost always comes off as a considerable put-down to the entire theater industry, which I never intend. However, I've never really been able to describe it any more clearly than that. Play acting and play writing are (and should be, in my opinion) completely different things with completely different styles than screen acting and writing. Every time people try to (or accidentally, which is always how it feels, and which is much worse) blend these styles it ends up pissing me off and making me really hate the movie. And it's not because I don't support the ideas of branching out or blending, but because on film, traditional play acting and play writing just do not draw me in the way that I need to be drawn in to a movie. When I'm seeing a screen, there's a soundtrack, shots change, etc., things have to be done a certain way for me to actually become absorbed. There is a TON of flexibility within that. It's not rigid at all. But every time it's done with this play acting and play writing style, you can bet it's making me feel alienated and leaving me untouched.

What I mean by play acting is this: Speaking very, very clearly, steadily, no stuttering or stumbling or "uh" or "like." Using a vast array of different adjectives and big fancy words. Being sure to use at least one, sometimes two or three, great, smart-sounding adjectives for every subject. Speaking formally, having your words arranged in such a way that it seems you knew EXACTLY what you'd be saying in this sentence, word for word, about four sentences ago. It's basically like if someone were to throw a bunch more big words into one of these journal entries and then read it out loud verbatim. And that's how they speak conversationally. That's what it's like. Usually emotions seem very fake and forced and these people just don't seem REAL when they're able to describe their feelings so god damn clearly and eloquently in the middle of a casual discussion or emotional argument. And on that same note, any movement, facial expression, physical action is always so perfectly timed and obviously premeditated that it's often very obvious that the actor is consciously doing it. A little of their mind is taken from their performance to lean back and look to the left exactly as the director said to. Facial expressions drive me crazy in these movies. Watching this actress, what's her name, Julianne Nicholson? try to look thoughtful and observant is like torture to me. It's not fucking real at all and it completely pulls me away from the movie. Woody Allen does this all the time and this movie I'm watching now does it too. It comes off as so pretentious and aloof that I just can't get around it and enjoy what I'm seeing. It is the opposite of the human condition.

And what really doesn't help the movie is having characters breaking the fourth wall (or at least coming close) to describe to me their thoughts, or what the events on screen really mean. Do you really have such little respect for your audience that you designate a character or two to just speak directly to them and give them all the answers? Shit. I mean, maybe some people prefer it that way, but personally I'd rather just see what happens and be able to draw my own conclusions from it. Maybe I'll come to the wrong conclusion, maybe I'll get from it something the writer did not intend at all. Maybe my friend will think of something different and we can compare. But when you just tell me what happens and why and what everyone was thinking and feeling at the time... it just removes completely any possibility of active engagement with the movie. It really puts me in my place as a spectator, and for movies I do not like that. Don't get me wrong. I love a good voice-over narration. Little Children is awesome. But while it uses big words and smart writing to convey some points that the characters themselves cannot, it still leaves me asking questions and pondering for myself. In the case of Little Children specifically, the narration makes me do those things even more.

I don't really have an end for this, I'll probably come back to it later and edit it and finish it. Actually I probably won't. But I'll think about it!


:: 2009 24 September :: 11.37 pm
:: Mood: none
:: Music: none

none
I found this scrawled in the back of one of my notebooks and for a long time didn't even remember doing it:

I come in at 6:30 on the dot and there are a few prime spots open. I choose not to sit by Biglips as I can have more space on the other side of the room. Mouse walks in with two chairs in front of her, hesitates, and makes the trek to sit right next to me in the far corner. At first I am baffled by this. Why me? Why ruin the little extra space I get? And, from being in this course this long, she should know how bad a spot she picked. No view of the TV. But she keeps her distance and I accept her presence, begrudgingly. The teacher still isn't here. Tall Metalhead walks in with a bag full of food, and shortly after, the room fills with what I hope is onions but what I think is BO. I am quite annoyed. The teacher still isn't here. I listen to Nice Jewish Girl talk with Weird Photo Girl about a film set. I become slightly jealous of her job. The room smells terrible. Mouse is so mousey. The teacher arrives and we get started. Finally. He makes a reference to the fun from last week, and I suddenly wish I could remember what we did. Then it happens. I hear a terrible, slurping, wet chewing sound from my right. Shuddering, I turn to see the source. Mouse is eating grapes. I rub my face, slowly, with my hands. Mouse must be some strange hybrid creature: the sounds do not coincide with the movements of her mouth. She must have some set of mouths inside, each chewing a section of grape while she moves her jaw up and down. I think on this quite a while. These sounds make no sense to me. I cannot take it. It starts to drive me insane. I'm clenching my teeth, flexing my muscles, rubbing my face. She asks me if she can borrow my notebook. I pass it to her without a word. When she returns it, she apologizes. I forgive her in a nice tone, implying that she had no need to say sorry, which is true. The teacher announces that we are going to another room. She has trouble, her coat becoming stuck on the table. She makes a joke. I smile. I am totally creeped out.

If you must


:: 2009 26 June :: 3.03 am
:: Mood: none
:: Music: none

none
This evening, before the Germs went onstage, I had Shane West autograph a DVD copy of A Walk to Remember. Kelly and Claire disappeared for a while and reappeared with backstage passes. While the Germs were onstage, Kelly was behind them taking pictures. I joined her and remained onstage over to the side during the show and had a good time. Afterwords, the drummer Don brought Pat, Griffin and I onto the trailer and we spent some time with some members and helpers of the Germs. It was quite an enjoyable and memorable experience. I am glad that it happened. By the end of the night I think everyone but Griffin and I felt pretty bad, but aside from that the night was awesome. Shane West was definitely peeved by me. He was annoyed that I had him sign the DVD of A Walk to Remember, but then was probably even more annoyed by the fact that the girls he befriended (Kelly and Claire) were friends with the douchebag that had him sign A Walk to Remember. When we parted ways he admitted that I had bothered him, though Lorna Doom and Don Bolles were both very fun and friendly. Pat Smear was distant and aloof, but that was OK.


:: 2009 24 June :: 3.48 am
:: Mood: none
:: Music: none

none
It's not 3:48, it's 4:37. Obviously it was not necessary for me to add to my last post. There was more to tell but it doesn't matter and it's better the way it is.

I am terrified of how I feel tonight and how I've been feeling lately. I hate it. The movie I watched tonight was great and it made me very upset about things in my own life. I don't even really have anything to say. I don't know what to do to help myself and no one else has been very good at helping me. I don't think anyone has tried very hard but neither have I and it's no one's responsibility but my own. I just don't really know what to do.


:: 2009 26 May :: 12.47 am

Warning - I may use too many unnecessary big words to be intelligible.

I know that when I look upon these words in the future, I will feel only distress and intensely debilitating low self-esteem. But I also know that this is the most eloquent that I have been in months. Not necessarily the most eloquent, strike that (it was still good enough for me to refrain from hitting the backspace button) - but the most eloquent COMBINED with the feeling that all I would like to do in this moment is express my deepest thoughts and most recent encounters.

All four people that care the most about me in this world (which I know is an exaggeration due to my lack of recognition of family members and humans absent from this current experience of mine) are locked in the bathroom next to me. Not locked by any technical or physical means, nay - locked in at my request. "Stay in this room and leave me alone, so that I may write in peace." Expressed in obviously less intelligible dialogue than what I have just provided for you. I have added this a few minutes later, but I have only the deepest respect and admiration for the fact that my companions are heeding my requests and leaving me alone to write. So let me start from the top. The top to bottom, the entire twelve floors of my thoughts this night, are my experiences and my worries.

First story - I have seen a very regular and very friendly customer whose name I will not divulge (but I will give you a hint - think dinosaurs) twice today. The first time I had just eaten lunch. I felt terrible because I had just eaten for the first time in a day and a half, and I ate way too much for my then-fragile stomach to handle. But I was definitely excited and kind of satisfied, in a very innocent way, to see these three regular customers. Satisfied because I have expected this entire time to see a customer, and finally I did. The second time I see these people will be saved for a later story, because I'm worried about my capacity to tell twelve stories.

Second story can be that I met an EMT and told him too much personal information. I told him my first name and where I work, which is enough to destroy my tiny life. He assured me that he was trustworthy and only cares about each person's well-being, which as I write now is the most calming thing I've heard all night. But I have been so worried that my honesty will come back to bite me in the ass. He specifically asked me for only my first name and which store employs me. Fuck. But I think he and his friend, after much discussion, are trustworthy. They did both agree that I am too trusting, but also not to worry. I think that brings us back to a theme from my last post and a recurring theme in the past two weeks of my life: I am too trusting. I am not suspicious enough of people and their potentially deceptive motives. I think that would be well-worded if not for the prominent "ve" sound in two consecutive words. Sorry, digression. I don't think I have anything to worry about in these EMTs, but I am worried about my own nature. I doubt I am the worst person they spoke to that night because they said a lot of people can't even say their own name. But it sucks how much information I willingly gave up.

The third story is of a girl in a gray halfshirt with short blonde hair. She and I were both desperately thirsty, and she got some water shortly after we spoke on the subject. She shared her water, and even told me to drink more of it. This is an action of Biblical proportions in the sense

I will come back to this later! I thought I lost it all, and here are my thoughts on that subject: "I had two hours worth of well-worded, intoxicant-influenced thoughts written here and the button that I clicked to share it with all of you is the one that spelled my certain doom." But thanks to Griffin and Mac computers, I have it back, and will finish it in the future.

If you must


:: 2009 19 May :: 6.09 am
:: Mood: none
:: Music: none

none
I only feel the need to write, nowadays, when I am angry or depressed. I suppose it's a good sign that I haven't written a word for months, but overall I think it would be best for my career and my personal development if I were consistently more depressed than I am now. I also find that the only times I'm really ready to write, the sun is on it's way up, and I'm avoiding getting in bed. This is why I'm glad that I only work about 18 hours a week at the moment.

I think last Tuesday is when the first stressful social issue sprung into my life. My boss at my undisclosed job confronted me with things that I had said about her on the Internet, to other people with the same job as me, all around the world. Obviously no names or locations were disclosed. It's funny and terrible how often something I've said on the Internet has gotten me into trouble. You'd think I'd learn. I am learning. What I said was related to a sexual and romantic affair she had with one of my co-workers, an affair which has made our workplace a much more stressful and touchy environment than it should be. She had printed out everything I said and laid it out for me. I was not fired - I had, however, hurt her feelings deeply by making such outrageous comments. She told me right then and there that she has had no sexual or romantic relationship with any of our co-workers. She lied right in the direction of my face and into my ears and mind. I accepted what she said, and I felt quite bad. I was also slightly angry, here's why: She told me that she could fire me but she is not going to. She told other employees that this was a fireable offense. I told her that what I do off the clock is my own business. She responded that slandering her makes it her business. There is a problem with this, for I did not slander her. I can back that up with two facts - One, I never used her name, my own name, or even our general location. It would be very difficult and take a lot of coincidences to pinpoint exactly which human being in the world I am talking about in my posts. No damage has been done to her reputation. The second and equally important issue is that I did not say anything that was not true. There is a pile of evidence against her so large that it's obnoxious that she would think to lie to me about it. So, she lied to me, and at the moment, I accepted what she said. I apologized for hurting her feelings, specifically. I explained that it was just my way of relaxing, it was not really personal, it was just venting hot air. I said this because of immediate, unconsidered guilt and out of fear for my job. Now, I spent what feels like an eternity stressing over this. I trusted that she would not fire me, but pondering the hurt that I caused and the embarrassment of being caught was enough to put me down in the dumps. I decided I would buy her a gift and write a personal, overly kind note to her. The following day, Wednesday, this was put aside for other matters in my life.

This leads me to my second stressful social situation. It is by far the most important to me, and at this point is mostly the only thing getting me down. I spent Wednesday with some people that I don't see as often as my close friends, and I had a good time doing so. I enjoyed myself from a little after I got up on Wednesday, all the way until I was about to go to sleep. I cannot and will not offer any details or hints as to what transpired. I will merely say that this stressful social situation took dominance over any of my other preoccupations and is still causing me quite a bit of pain and unhappiness.

While I was definitely unhappy and confused on Thursday, I still had things to accomplish. I went to Borders and bought a popular book for approximately $15. I went to CVS and bought an unspecific but visually appealing card. I brought these things home and escaped into media until late at night, when I filled out the card and continued to fuck around.

Friday I wrapped the gift and got my shit together. I brought it to work and put it in a safe place - when it was time for my boss to leave, I told her it was there, but not that I knew anything about it. After closing, myself and two co-workers had a very long discussion relating to the incidents on Tuesday and what they related to. By the time I left the store, I felt like a complete chump and a complete asshole for actually feeling bad. I learned much from the conversation, and the more I learned, the more I realized how wrong it is to be upset about hurting this woman's feelings. I've always known how prone she is to lying, but I am just not set up to consider deception in everyday life.

Saturday she offered a short and quick thank-you, which I appreciated, as it helped me to forget the incident faster. I worked, on Saturday, with a new attitude - I cannot trust my second-in-command boss with any type of information. I realized, far later than I should have, that he passed along most of everything that I said on to our boss. I honestly just felt that he understood the difference between an actual concern and venting. It's an uncomfortable situation. I spoke to him often and about many things, and once I did ask him to talk to our boss on my behalf, but otherwise, I did not want anything I said passed along to her. If I wanted her aware of my minor concerns, I would have told her myself. So now I just do not speak to him. I reserve my conversation for other people. Customers, other co-workers. I answer his questions and work as usual, but aside from that, I feel no desire to discuss anything with him. As I said earlier, I am not used to second-guessing my trust, and constant suspicion is a very unsettling way to deal with people.

Saturday night brings us to the third stressful social situation. I had a great time the entire night up until a certain point very near the end. There was a gigantic blowout argument in front of several people and it was incredibly embarrassing and dramatic. I do not feel that I embarrassed myself or that I made the scene, but I was definitely a part of it, and that is enough. I was stating how I felt about a certain issue, and my opponent became very, very emotional and upset. Further details are unnecessary and in poor spirit. I am not very worried or upset over the situation, for various reasons. Nonetheless, it was quite stressful at the time.

There are several other situations which I am not very involved in, but people close to me are, and much of that stress spreads to me. Not enough to debilitate me or make me complain, but now that other things are bothering me, I am noticing the extra weight. I would not prefer it be lifted, though, as I care about what is happening in said situations.

So what have I learned? What am I learning? Well, the first situation is giving me a very real and very negative life lesson: Don't trust anyone until they've earned it. I think all of my co-workers have earned my trust. Many from years of working together, years of conversation, and no leaks. One or two deserve my trust because of the trust that I know they've put in me. Three co-workers do not, on varying levels. One is a complete loose cannon and I have absolutely no idea what will happen with him in any situation. One is quite manipulative and tends to stray from the truth often. One just gives information to one of the others. Obviously the life lesson that I stated for this situation is a bit extreme, and I'm not applying it to every aspect of my life. But for the workplace, I think it is necessary. (And if any of you see this - note the lack of names or any kind of specificity. Slander? No way. Vague honesty.)

The second situation, I can not really speak on. I can tell you that so far, I have learned very little. Most everything that I have learned has been about myself, and at this point there is little real revelation or resolution to the situation. Right now I'm just hurt, confused and wanting. I'm not exactly sure what I am hurt or confused about, even. There are two solutions to this problem that I think I would like, and neither of them seem likely. I can only wait and see where my life goes in this area.

I don't think the third situation has brought anything new to light. Not for me, anyway. And I can't speak for others. I think it will be fine.

The others, too, I am confident will work out. Not always to the contention of all parties involved, but at least they will be put to bed.

In the meantime, I have two very ambitious friends. One is in Minnesota and one is in California. They do not like each other, but also have little knowledge of the others' relationship with me. The one in California is attempting to create basically an entire three-part video game. It is set in the Star Wars universe and deals with a certain timeline popularized in other video games, books, and comic books. I am almost completely unfamiliar with the subject matter. He wants me on board as a writer, and while I do think it would be fun to write the story and dialogue for a video game, I am not ready to commit. This is because he has absolutely no idea what he's doing, I think. He came up with an idea. He thinks the end product would not only be a fun game for him and several others to play, but would also be important in the Star Wars gaming community. He has no modelers, coders, or even an idea for what game engine to use. He really has a basic idea for the story, and then many ideas for how great it will be when it's completed. He and I started work on something like this before, put hours into hammering out the story, and it never went anywhere. I am making it clear to him that I am not ready to work until we have a more concrete platform to jump from.

My friend in Minnesota is attempting to set up a large, bustling online community, which would rival (and hopefully crush, in his mind) a community which I have put years of time and effort into helping. I am offering him files that I've saved over the years that will be helpful to him in some way. Otherwise, I am not getting too involved yet. Right now there are only a few people contributing. Some I don't know. One of them is totally full of himself and obnoxious. Most of them seem to have only vague ideas of what they want out of this project. So at the moment, I am keeping my distance a bit, from both of these friends' fantastic ideas. But it's hard for me that they keep IMing me to brainstorm when I'm trying to relax, and that so much of what they both say strikes me as unappealing.

I suppose I will just continue going on with my life. Hopefully a second job will fall into my lap, or an extreme promotion. Hopefully I can have some fun too. I hope things work out.

(How crazy it would be if I died tomorrow and this is the last message from me, right? So dramatic. 7:23 AM now.)

If you must


:: 2009 7 February :: 11.55 pm
:: Mood: none
:: Music: none

none
I don't want to be specific, and I really don't need to be. It's getting harder and harder for me to deal with people being as unreliable as everyone in my life save my dad is. Even my uncle calls and cancels on every movie we've tried to see with him since June. Not answering a phone is one thing, right, sure. I don't answer my phone when I'm eating, when I'm busy, whatever. Alright, fine. What just really fucking gets to me is all these people saying they will do something and then not doing it and leaving me holding my dick. People say "Call me tomorrow" and I confirm that I will. "Call me later tonight" and I confirm that I will. They call me and I say "I'm available at X time" and they ask me to call them back at that time and I confirm it. Then when I call, they just don't answer. Sometimes I know they aren't answering on purpose because it'll just ring once or twice before going to voicemail. Or I'll specifically ask someone to let me know what's up, or to call me at a certain time, or whatever, and they either don't call and aren't reachable, or call but hours later.

I'm sure a good amount of the readers are thinking I'm just talking about Colin, and I'm not. I was pretty serious when I said it's almost everyone in my life that is this unreliable. I probably deal with it from Colin the most, but you will be wrong to assume that this is about him specifically. I'm giving examples of things that have happened and continue to happen to me with several people.

Which leads me to think that this is just normal. Everyone is unreliable, while some people actually care about this kind of thing and actually do what they say they're going to do. Again, I understand when you're busy and you don't answer, or when something comes up and you don't have a second. But in the middle of a conversation? Eating a meal with a close friend or relative? Hanging out with someone else? You can't excuse yourself for 20 seconds to fulfill an obligation that you made previously? It's not a huge obligation, but if you ask me to call you when I get off work later that day, sometimes only hours away, that's a pretty specific plan. It's not hard, rude or much of an inconvenience to answer and just tell me what's up. I'm finding myself at LEAST once a week dealing with this. I'm waiting for a call or trying to reach someone that I thought I had plans with and they're just unreachable. It's just so... it's so many things. It's inconsiderate. It shows me that you really do not think about me. I guess to some people that doesn't matter but it does to me because I go out of my way to keep obligations and to do what I say. I'm always thinking of the people that do this. Calling them, keeping plans with them, doing them favors and whatnot, and they can't seem to reciprocate. Shit happens I know, but this is almost every time we deal with each other. I just can't deal with it anymore. No one ever seems to even care when I express hurt feelings or inconvenience due to their actions. Maybe they don't think it's valid to be upset about it, but I think they'd be upset if, for example, I said I'd be there in 30 minutes and never showed up and never answered my phone. Or if I asked them to call me later, they did, and I didn't answer or make any attempt to get in touch with them. Maybe not. But I think it's a pretty valid thing to be upset about. When it happens as often as it does, fuck yeah it is.


:: 2009 12 January :: 11.44 pm
:: Mood: none
:: Music: none

none
I think I'm having a fucking heart attack or something. I've been dealing with Wayne for fucking 12 hours.

I called at 11 this morning. After some transfers and call-backs, they told me that I was accepted, and I had to go downtown today to talk to an adviser before registering for classes. So I got there and was told that the wait was an hour and a half. The problem is, I drove my dad's car, and he needed it before that time. So he took the bus to Wayne from his work and drove his car home, which he wasn't happy about, something in there fucked up his schedule. So I waited and used my laptop to figure out what classes I wanted to take. I worked out an entire schedule and was very happy with it. So I get in and talk to an adviser finally and show her the schedule. She responds, very politely (she was quite nice), with a dickslap from Wayne. Some of those classes were graduate classes, some I need a bunch of prereqs for. Basically I wasn't able to keep any of them. She shows me all these fucking requirements for Wayne students. All these different science and math and other bullshit classes that I don't care about. Three requirements were filled from Columbia transfer classes. That's three out of ten total classes that I took at Columbia. Great. One of them was Writing and Rhetoric II at Columbia, Intermediate Writing at Wayne. However, testing out of Writing and Rhetoric I/Basic Writing doesn't work at Wayne. So I've fulfilled my advanced writing class, but not my basic writing class. Total fucking bullshit. I may be able to take this test that will get me out of it, the equivalent of a high school AP English test.

So basically, there's about a year's worth (including summer semester) of classes that I have to take before entering my major (which I'm still unsure about) or doing anything at all, really. It's been very hard to find classes that I find interesting or appealing. It's been almost impossible to find ones that are open, and even harder to find ones that are open and fit my schedule. Schedule is priority, so I have one class that I'm pretty interested in, one class that I'm kind of interested in, and two that I'm not interested in at all. All of them fulfill requirements, though. I guess the bright side is that summer and fall and any future semesters, I will register early and get classes I am happier about. So I'm sitting here mapping out my classes and I realize that one of them is located at the Oakland campus. Well since I'm mostly relying on public transit, that doesn't work. It's really fucking frustrating. So I go back and try to find another class that fits a requirement, MODERATELY interests me, and fits my schedule. That's all hard enough, but for some reason the Wayne site has been going fucking dial-up speeds this whole time. It's driving me fucking nuts. There's a lot of navigation I have to do here to find a new class and it's not working at all. THEN, I finally fucking SETTLE on one, and when I go to register, it tells me I can't register between midnight and 7 AM. What the fuck? Why am I doing this online if I can't do it at my leisure? Jesus fucking Christ. I bet when I wake up at 7 AM to register this last class, it'll tell me it's full or some shit. I'm going fucking crazy.

What this all is making me realize is how much I actually liked Columbia. If you've talked to me about it, or been reading, you'll know I didn't really care about Columbia that much, I was fine never going back. But it really did have interesting/fun classes, I made some friends that I like, and it was easy on the bullshit requirements. If I won the lottery or something, I think I would move to Chicago and finish school at Columbia, and after college I would move elsewhere probably. I just wish I had the money to pay for it. There's no way I'm taking out the insane amount of money it would take to keep going to Columbia, but if I could somehow attend and afford it, I totally would. I didn't care for it, but seeing all the shit that normal college makes you do reminded me of why I chose Columbia. Last year I was hearing about other people going through this bullshit and I was patting myself on the back for the good choice.

I think more importantly than anything else, the classes I was taking, classmates I had, work I was doing at Columbia actually inspired me to do work on my own. It all inspired me to be creative and to work on my own things, to create. Wayne? No fucking way. Nothing about my classes or options at Wayne make me want to do anything but cry and/or drop out (or transfer back to Columbia). It's really fucking bumming me out. I wish there was an easier way to get this bullshit college out of the way and move on with my life.

So to sum up - EVERYTHING IN THIS POST is why I'm having a heart attack. Don't be surprised if tomorrow you find out I died of an aneurysm or some shit.


:: 2009 11 January :: 11.02 pm
:: Mood: none
:: Music: none

none
The whole fucking world's against us dude, I swear to god.

My application was officially received by Wayne on December 1st, but I did it on November 25th. Online, it's said the application is incomplete since it was sent in. It STILL says that, even though it also says it's received both supplemental materials (fee and transcript). I've called a million times over the month of December trying to figure out what's fucking incomplete and finally they started telling me that it's complete, and I should be hearing from Wayne any day. Call back because there will be an answer before I get the letter in the mail. NO FUCKING ANSWER. It's the most irresponsible fucking handling of this situation I can't fucking believe it, I send in my application and they never even look at it. I'm trying to fucking plan my semester. Wayne is the only college that I can feasibly go to, thanks to buses. Macomb is, first, the lesser option, and second, going to be very very hard for me to attend. I don't have a car. I can take all the same classes as Griffin and get a ride with him, or work something out with my dad to use his car, but that won't work for any class. It's going to be really fucking tough to figure out and I'll be completely dependent on two people for getting to school, probably three even because I'm sure my mom will be thrown into the mix. If Wayne didn't want me attending their school, which makes no sense based on how they let everyone in and my Columbia transcript is great, I wish they would have let me know. I'm sitting here with dicks in my ears waiting for them to tell me something and they're just going on with their lives, and finally January 12th comes along, classes start, and they haven't given me ANY answer. Don't you think the week before classes start they should maybe look at all their outstanding applications and tie up the loose ends? And not leave fucking potential students waiting around? Because now what the fuck am I going to do? It's too late to do anything else. I could probably register at Columbia and go back to Chicago, if I took out like $10,000 in loans. No. That would suck. And neither of my parents are home or answering their cell phones, which is very strange for 11:45 on a Sunday night. Thanks guys.

Watching Popular doesn't fucking help either, everyone is so angsty and stressed out on that show.


:: 2008 18 December :: 8.06 am
:: Mood: none
:: Music: none

none
So there are two songs that are kind of guilty pleasures of mine, one much more than the other. The first is The Underdog by Spoon, and the one that I'm actually kind of embarrassed about liking is I'm Yours by Jason Mraz. So I'm listening to them on YouTube and a related video to I'm Yours was this incredibly good-looking girl, probably 17 or 18, singing it. I might even like her version better than the real one. I'm pretty sure she's using a higher quality webcam, maybe something else though. I say this because it has a focus feature, which I think is not really in webcams. This is relevant because she leans in a little at one point and she goes out of focus just for a second. I don't know what it was, but seeing/noticing that like threw my desire to work with film, and more specifically comedy, into the overdrive. I've been thinking a LOT about comedy lately, coming to respect and appreciate it more than I ever have before, and really wanting to be a part of it. Over the summer leading up until now. For a while I was watching a lot of "alternative" stand-up, especially Zach Galifianakis. I like Brian Posehn too. I rented a "Comedians of Comedy" DVD that had them along with many other not as famous comedians, also alternative. I guess what makes them alternative is just that they're weird. Their jokes aren't typical and often involve nerdiness or awkwardness. I don't think of this as a real influence, but it probably is: Judd Apatow's recent movies and their quality. I'm writing this in bed and keep stopping to change my position or move my cat or put on different music, which is allowing me to think more and more on this subject. I am realizing what probably peaked my interest in comedy is finding comedians that I can relate to, with similar interests and senses of humor. Tina Fey is one of these people, along with many of the "Comedians of Comedy." (My crush for Tina Fey has calmed down as I've seen her more out of character, and realized she is a regular person. Also it pisses me off that she's married.) I've also been watching every episode of SNL and becoming more and more enamored with not as much the jokes themselves, but what goes into making the show and being a part of it. That goes for the Apatow movies too, watching their special features and being intensely jealous of everyone involved.

So there's all this build-up of comedy exposure and appreciation lately, then I go to a comedy club with Paul, Louie and Colin. Paul tells me that he's interested in trying his hand at stand-up on open mic night. This makes me think something along the lines of "Shit, someone I actually know is going to do it? Maybe I can!" Or maybe it was more simple, more "Hey, I wanna do that too!" Nonetheless, I became more interested. I had pondered it a lot while watching stand-up, but always dismissed it as something I probably wouldn't be good at, and, a little disappointed, tried to drop it. Well now I don't know. I think Paul for some reason is a very good creative/inspirational influence on me. Over the summer we talked a bit about acting, and that increased my interest and self-confidence in that regard as well. It may be because he knows those areas and the attitude I see in him is "Well, I want to try this, so I'm going to." Mine is similar: "I want to try this, but I'm kind of a chicken about it so I probably won't." I don't talk to anyone about it so no one knows or thinks to encourage me, haha. But things like a discussion on the subject with Paul can do that. I guess I just need some inspiration and confidence.

Part of why I think I might be kind of good at acting or comedy is my sense of humor overall. Basically what I do when I'm trying to be funny is drastically mislead people as long or in as ridiculous a direction as I can. I'm usually the only one that thinks it's funny, but that's probably because everyone else is the butt of the joke. When people know what I'm doing, they usually also enjoy it. From what I understand, anyway. That in its own way is an exercise in acting, I think, at a base level. I bet part of my problem is that when I do choose to bring this up to people, I bring it up to the wrong people. People that, for whatever reason, don't think I'd be good. (These may be the RIGHT people, talking me out of a bad decision, but I think it's better to try than not.) But yeah. I think I want to work on that. I think it would be amazing to be on SNL or have a career in comedy.

If you don't think about it, it's easy to consider this the third change of interest/direction for me in the past year. I kind of don't even want to talk about it aside from here because of that. I still have a lot of interest in working in the movies. I always have. I also still have a lot of interest in writing. And in comedy. These three can EASILY go hand in hand. Either doing different things separately, or doing all three at once. Who knows.


:: 2008 8 December :: 6.42 am
:: Mood: none
:: Music: none

none
I was going through my Favorites - some are years old - and came across the personality type test thing from sometime in either junior or senior year. If you want to test, click here. So far it's been very accurate. When I was first doing it, I wrote in a word file the results from everyone I knew. Since I pretty much never delete anything, I found it. I took the test again and got the same result of INTJ. It's insane how similar that description is to me. Similarly, I think that Colin's result of INTP matches him well. Same with Griffin, who is an ENFP. Fleming's doesn't seem as correct, but maybe that's just my mistake. He got ESFP.

Each type is linked to another type with one of 16 relations. I just thought it was interesting to see how the site said that Colin, Griffin, Fleming and I all relate to each other.

Me and Colin: Complement
Me and Griffin: Pedagogue
Me and Fleming: Anima
Griffin and Colin: Tribesman
Griffin and Fleming: Neighbor
Fleming and Colin: Novelty

I think all of those are strikingly accurate except possibly Fleming and Colin.


:: 2008 6 November :: 7.50 am
:: Mood: none
:: Music: none

Ben Stein on Intelligent Design
I've really gotten lax with this. It's been over a month. Guess why I'm posting now? A movie pissed me off. This will be about more than a movie though, it's about the entire idea of creatonism and intelligent design (yes, Ben Stein, I am recognizing them as separate things). I've started enabling comments, and I've also imported this onto Facebook. So some of my posts will also appear as a new note on Facebook. Be sure to check here as well, though, because only some of my posts will go onto Facebook.

His movie, Expelled - No Intelligence Allowed, first talked about how scientists and scholars are being persecuted for their research into Intelligent Design. OK, I agree that's kind of lame, everyone is entitled to their own opinions. Persecution in this case is kind of just loss of job, ridicule, hard to get another job in that field. Stein interviews Richard Dawkins and others from both sides of the debate. The problems with the movie that can't be generalized to include all of Intelligent Design advocates are few, but kind of important when talking about the movie specifically. It was very one-sided, close-minded and it contradicted itself. First, Stein argues that Intelligent Design is not seeded from religion. Science and religion are separate, and Intelligent Design is part of science. He makes that clear. Fine, if that's the way you want it, we'll look at it that way. But then, 30 minutes later, he explores IN DEPTH how Darwinism and belief in evolution directly relate to loss of religious faith. I fail to see how that relates to his argument for Intelligent Design. Hey, Ben, I thought we were keeping science and religion separate? So, I understand that you as a religious man may have a problem with the loss of religious faith among other people. But since we're keeping science and religion separate, why are you talking about it in this documentary? The impression that I got was that Stein was trying to show the evils of Darwinism/evolution by showing that it draws people away from religion. That's just a very personal and biased way to look. He said it wasn't about religion but about a scientific theory, so why is he bringing religion into it now? Also, very early in the documentary, he looks at some alternate theories to evolution. One of them is that otherworldly beings visited Earth and seeded life on the planet. He says, in a very sarcastic tone, "Aliens?" Hey, you know what? That's a form of Intelligent Design. Intelligent beings that came to Earth and designed life for it. I'm not saying I believe that's how we got here, but I certainly don't find it any more goofy than God. The other thing that really bothered me was Stein's association of Darwinism with Naziism. The Nazis falsely used Darwinism to justify their actions. It's totally unfair of Stein to put that blame on anyone other than the perpetrators themselves. If the Nazis and Darwinism are directly related and should be grouped together, why don't we say that all Christians are on the same level as the crusaders of the 11th-13th centuries?

The problem with Ben Stein and all of the Intelligent Design advocates I've seen is that they just settled on something, and then decided to defend it to the death. Stein's argument at the end, in an intimate moment with Dawkins (where Dawkins came off as smart and reasonable while Stein came off as a total asshole), is that because Darwinists/evolutionists (this includes Darwin himself, in the 19th century) don't know how life on Earth started, that they obviously aren't reliable sources for any information. Their view is "Well, you guys don't have an answer, and we do have an answer, so therefore we should win this argument hands down." It's not as simple as that. Just because I'm wrong doesn't make you right. I can't answer the question, because I recognize that I don't know. You CAN answer the question, but with absolutely no proof. I'd rather just accept it as one of those things I'll never know.

It's OK, it's fair, to admit that you're not sure how life started. When it comes down to it, no one is sure. It's also fair to believe whatever you want to believe. But don't act like your answer is better than mine just because it covers every base, when it has no scientific backing and it offers no real explanation. We all have to admit that there are things that we just can't know and can't understand at this time. One of those things could be God, true. But one of those things could be crazy aliens putting life on Earth, like in Star Trek. One of those things could be the primordial ooze that was charged with energy and kicked into motion. One could be that a flying spaghetti monster dropped some spaghetti sauce into some gasoline and man was born. For this question that we should never stop trying to answer, we take the most likely and reasonable explanation and use that as our running theory, until something better may come along. We don't just take whatever answer is the most satisfying. We take the answer that is the most plausible, the answer that is proven in nature time and time again.

The only thing they have to put down random chance creating life is "How can you look at the complexities of one cell, or of a flower, etc., and think it happened randomly?" They also cite the statistics of how little a chance there is for something like that to happen. Do they know how little a chance there is of a supreme being that created us, loves us and watches over us? And do they know that no matter HOW small a chance there is for something to happen, it's GOING to happen. In an infinitely changing and moving universe, everything possible will happen at some point. It DOES make sense. It's a big subject. It's hard to think about. But why take the easy answer over the reasonable one?

If you must


:: 2008 30 September :: 7.34 am
:: Mood: none
:: Music: none

none
I'm worked up about the exact same Dane Cook shit that I wrote about earlier this summer. I have one new thing to say about him, otherwise everything I am angry and frustrated about with him right now is the same as my other entry. The new thing is that I hate that he doesn't change his act at all for any of his performances. Any that I've seen, anyway. Seen him do certain stories and bits on SNL and several different TV specials as well as one time live. And he's always the same. He has the same digressions, same hand motions, same little funny words that he sneaks in there. It really kind of irritates me. I understand when it's a new tour or something and you go to each city the same way. Who will know? But come on... if you've got 8 different TV specials, get some variety. Tell the same stories, have the same punch line, but it's not a play. It's stand up. Do things differently.

I'm watching this and right when he starts the story, mentions the sneeze, I think "Man. I should turn this off right now. If I listen to this story I'll just get all worked up and I'll be awake for hours." But I watched it and of course I'm worked up now. I'm trying to go to sleep but now I'm worked up. I'll probably get to sleep anyway, I'm tired and in bed. But ugh.

I love God!


:: 2008 30 September :: 2.32 am
:: Mood: none
:: Music: none

none
I'm 15 minutes away from finishing this crappy satire movie called War, Inc. John Cusack, Marisa Tomei, Hilary Duff, Joan Cusack, Dan Aykroyd, Ben Kingsley. I wasn't pissed enough to write about it until I read reviews online from people that loved it. It's a thick satire on America's dealings with Iraq and the overthrow of government by big corporations. John Cusack is an ex-CIA hitman with a heart of gold who is really emotional and sad inside and deep down is a really nice guy. He has a wife that was killed and his young daughter mysteriously vanished that same day. I've never seen anything like that before. Marisa Tomei is a flaming liberal writer who is not above setting her outgoing voicemail message to say " ." Great. Thanks for the clarification on that character. Basically it goes on and on to be totally over the top in a not-funny way. Dan Aykroyd is a super American ex-Vice President, Ben Kingsley is also super American head of CIA. He did poorly. More on him later. I think Marisa Tomei is almost always very bad. She tries way too hard. Joan Cusack is even worse. She's in I think every John Cusack movie I've ever seen. She's really fucking obnoxious and she thinks she's funny but she's just a bad actress and looks weird and talks weird. Hilary Duff is "the Britney Spears of Tajuristan" (which is the fake country made for the movie). John Cusack forms a bond with the pop star and with the reporter, who initially hates him and surprisingly falls for him. Then, it turns out at the end that Hilary Duff is John Cusack's long-lost daughter, and Ben Kingsley, presumed dead, is the mastermind behind all the bad things going on in Tajuristan. Some of it was like Southland Tales but very wannabe Southland Tales. For example, all over Tajuristan are these big display screens with shifting faces from pop culture. Captain Kirk, Fonzie, Pamela Andersen, a dolphin, and so on. The shifting faces has a masked voice that speaks and he is called the Viceroy and he is in charge of everything. That, to me, seemed Southland Tales-esque but was really stupid. I mean, Southland Tales was totally ridiculous. This tried to be serious in many ways, but then threw in these terrible over-the-top satire elements.

What pissed me off is that I went online and saw this review:

"It's really funny. I was blown away by the cleverness and originality in this film. The first 40 minutes had me on the floor in hysterics- my only problem was that it unnecessarily evolved into a bad Austin Powers film in the final 20. This however, is one of the few films where the campy ending didn't make me dislike the rest of the film (which is normally the case). Everyone gives a great performance (especially Joan Cusack) and there are some really great moments throughout. I personally plan on seeing it again when it comes out- only to catch all the details which I was laughing over during the first viewing!"

After reading this, I imagined some sad, lame person that watches terrible comedies and failure family movies and totally buys into them. "It was so heartfelt!" "The jokes were so topical!" This is someone that enjoys reading Cathy comics every morning in the newspaper. It really pissed me off that people watch Joan Cusack doing what she does in this movie and actually like it, they actually think it's funny and well done. They REALLY THINK this movie is clever and original. This is someone that would disgust me to the point of leaving the room if I saw them actually laugh at this movie. When I feel that I can see through someone like Marisa Tomei or Joan Cusack, and see how hard they are trying to be funny and quirky (this also works for Anton Yelchin in Charlie Bartlett), it usually just upsets me and makes me like them less. I'm not sure what qualities make me accept someone in this situation, and what qualities make me hate the performance. I think it's realism. I think it's really just how good the acting is. Some actors can put me in a daze and I'm totally drawn in and amazed, and others I watch and I think "Man, this person is really trying to draw me in and amaze me." I guess that's just the difference between good/great and mediocre/bad actors and actresses. Marisa Tomei, however, was pretty good in Before the Devil Knows You're Dead. Anton Yelchin is good sometimes too.

Ben Kingsley and Morgan Freeman are these classic awesome actors with great performances under their belts that now take the job less seriously. They still do good movies and give a reasonable effort, but they also don't mind giving a few days' work to the bad movies. When they are in bad movies, they aren't the great actors they usually are. Being a great actor also means you have at least a good director and supporting cast. If you're a great actor and you go into a movie where everything else is shitty, your performance can only be so good. Not only does the shitiness surrounding you detract from your performance, but actors don't work alone. You play off the rest of the cast, you work with what the director tells you, etc. It's mostly Morgan Freeman, but Ben Kingsley, Michael Caine, and some others do it too. Stop being in bad movies. If you're in one that's trying really really hard to be good, that's one thing. But the shit like 10 Items or Less for Morgan Freeman and War, Inc. for Ben Kingsley? Come on, guys. Give me a break.

And you KNOW people watch those movies just to see the great actors. "Morgan Freeman's in it! How can it be bad?!"


:: 2008 8 September :: 5.10 am
:: Mood: none
:: Music: none

none
They're creeping up on you! This is a horrifying and disgusting thing that I saw at one of Chris McBroom's birthday parties when I was young. I have never forgotten it and I don't think I ever will.
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
It's scarier to me because I remember it as having no dialogue and just being about a guy who slowly is overtaken by cockroaches. Now that I see the actual plot and stuff it's not as weird but still fucking weird. I was thinking about it because I looked at an upper corner of my room to notice a nice little hoard of gnat-like bugs hanging out. They gathered by the lamp over the course of a few hours. They are very small and thin, have long clear wings, and long bodies. They aren't actually long, but they are much longer than they are wide. Very tiny things that offer no threat. I'm used to having one to three of them hanging around and I usually kill them, but this was insane. There were like 20 of them. I've deduced that the only way they can get in is where my air conditioner is, because it's not sealed. For some reason, at 4:45 AM, I climbed out my bathroom window barefoot, onto my roof, and around the house to where the air conditioner in my room is. That did me no good because I had nothing to use to seal it. So then I climbed back inside. That was a bad idea. Tomorrow I will go out with caulk or a glue gun to seal the cracks. It was really crazy to see so many bugs though. I killed them all. But now I'm itchy all over. And kind of uncomfortable going to sleep knowing bugs might still get in. A lot less will, because I put tape on the sides.

I am in love with Tina Fey but she is married and has a daughter and it makes me sad. I would totally date her and I don't care if she's exactly twice my age.

I recommend watching The Lonesome Death of Jordy Verrill on YouTube as well, it's interesting.

Woohu.com | Random Journal