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Trash/Basura

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:: 2008 3 September :: 12.35 am
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I've been finding quite often lately, as I've been spending a lot of time out of my element with people that aren't Colin, Griffin and Fleming, that I am very open with opinions that sometimes offend or bother others. I'm always painfully aware when it happens and it's kind of embarrassing. It even pisses me off on a totally low and irrational level. It happens the same way every time. I'm in a conversation with a person or a group of people. We're talking about stuff. It can be anything, seriously. It's always going pretty typical; everything I'm saying and hearing is stuff that I've said and heard before. I would not be surprised if that were the case for the others in the conversation as well. Then one thing I say, some opinion I express, throws off the other person/people. I think the reason it seems to happen to me so much is that I'm so used to being with people that generally agree with me, or are very accepting of my... thought patterns? Thought process? Something like that. My regular friends seem to understand the way I think, draw conclusions, arrive to them. Work my way around things. Most other people don't. My dad does often. I've got online friends that do sometimes. People like the poker group I was playing with, one or two females I've pursued, family, etc. don't. People that I'm not always completely comfortable with, I guess I open up to and say more than I should out of discomfort and in pursuit of lasting conversation. Maybe not. Maybe I'm insane and have wacky opinions that no one agrees with. But man, I just hate when the conversation is moving along and going fine and then I just say the next thing I have to say, thinking it'll be fine because everything so far has been, and the person kind of clams up. It's obvious right away that they either think I'm too cynical or negative, that I misunderstand the thing we're discussing, that SOMETHING is totally wrong with my statement and viewpoint. I can see the wheels turning and I get what's happening and it's so hard to recover from that, it drives me crazy. A lot of it is just that I'm not good at wording how I feel, and it's very easy for me to convey the wrong thing.

I'm in Portland and I'm planning to move here. That's all that's going on. Otherwise, nothing has happened to me.


:: 2008 18 July :: 8.00 am
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I am challenging myself to come up with a full-sized treatment (not script) for the next Batman movie. Not for me to turn in to anyone, not anything to ever be made, but I want to see how I would tie off the current Batman trilogy and what I would do, were I in Christoper Nolan's shoes. It is a very hard spot he is in, I imagine, so it would be interesting to toy with what can be done with the characters and stories in the Batman universe.


:: 2008 10 July :: 1.28 am
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My regular bike route:
My house to Alter via Vernor
Alter to Provencal via Kercheval
Provencal to my house via Kercheval
7.1 miles

My bike route tonight:
My house to Vernier via Jefferson/Lakeshore
Vernier to Mack
Vernier to 9 Mile via Mack
9 Mile to Harper
Harper to 8 Mile
8 Mile to Mack
Mack to my house
14.5 miles


:: 2008 7 July :: 2.02 am
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Someone please rape Dane Cook in his butthole because he is a devout Catholic and it will ruin his life and destroy his Christian fans. I mean, I want him raped in the butthole because of how he would react, not because he is a Catholic. But he would react that way due to his Catholicism. What I think I hate more than hearing him preach about how stupid it is for an atheist to claim that his body will become part of the earth again, is his fans cheering for it. Fine, make fun of atheists. I'm not one, and I agree, it is a total asshole thing to say "I'm an atheist" or anything along those lines when someone says "bless you" after a sneeze. So make fun of that guy. Great. What pisses me off is him saying "I was raised Catholic" and getting half the people to cheer about it. But it shows the total fucking blatant stupidity of him and his entire crowd at the final part of his little anecdote. This atheist claims he is going to become one with the earth and be fertilizer. And Dane Cook and his cronies fucking LAUGH and call the atheist stupid! Even CHRISTIANS do that when they die. You're not Jedi, your bodies don't disappear when you die. You get buried and decompose and become part of the soil again. It's how the fucking world works, as your God designed it in your belief. After this Dane Cook says "So I'm about to BLAST this guy..." How? What were you going to say in your blasting of him? "No, you're wrong! You're going to go to Hell and you will not become part of the earth! False!" (OK, if someone gets cremated they are exempt from this, but that's beside the point.) And how Dane Cook described the atheist's statement was totally ridiculous. Maybe it's word for word exactly right, but I know it's not, because it's been different in the separate times I've heard it. According to him the atheist said he'd be buried and his body would become one with this earth and he would become fertilizer for this earth and grow into a huge beautiful tree. Fine. MAYBE that is exactly what the atheist said. The atheist sounds like an asshole already, judging by his first words. And Dane Cook elaborates to say that while he was explaining his beliefs, the guy was laughing at him. That's believable, atheists usually are pretty condescending, not to say that Christians aren't. But fuck, man. It's pretty fucking lame to glorify your religion in your stand-up act, and even worse to put down someone else's, even IF the guy was an asshole. But then to laugh at this person, to get your entire crowd to laugh at this person, for stating an obvious fact... is total bullshit. And it kind of shows his general audience. Sheep. But man it pissed me off so much to see how famous and loved this guy is when he takes something true and laughs at it like it's retarded. I bet he embellished his story, fine, stand up comedians do that. I bet he knows that bodies decompose and become part of the earth. I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt that he's not an idiot. But if he's not, he's kind of a scumbag for flat out lying and pretending something is false when he knows it's not, just to get the crowd.

Now, I've been to a Dane Cook show. I saw this tour live in Chicago, and I'm now watching it on TV. I saw it because someone had a spare ticket. I had a good time seeing a friend from high school and hanging out with the other people. I laughed pretty hard at Dane Cook's jokes. There were probably a good amount of people there that were smart and aren't Dane Cook sheep. The people I was with are smart and not sheep. So don't get me wrong there. But I do think that Dane Cook and the majority of his loyal fans are total retards. Fuck you.


:: 2008 4 July :: 1.41 am
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I am at a point where I don't really know what to do, because there isn't a lot I can do. My dad got laid off, I can't do anything about that. We have to be totally out of the house by July 15th, I can't do anything about that except continue helping. Meaning going through all my shit. The other day I threw away all of my Playmobile toys. Legos are going in the garage sale, Dragon Ball Z toys go to Griffin, Gundam Wing toys to Fleming. I'm keeping all my Star Wars shit. My mom knows nothing about how certain things work or what to do in certain situations. Therefore, her lawyer is handling everything in the divorce. Meaning my mother is getting half of my dad's pension, 401k, etc. What's left of it. He didn't have his job long enough to fill up his pension or his 401k, so they will run out and not function properly. He doesn't have a job, he's having trouble finding one, like anyone without a job is. My mom DOES have a job. She has a job and in the next year or so will probably become a minister at a church, a full time job. The settlement was made before my dad lost his job, but I am kind of shocked and disappointed by the fact that my mom has no sympathy for his situation. He will be appealing the decision soon, and I swear to God I will go into court and do what I can to help him win it. Nothing against my mom, but he fucking needs his money, and she has no right to take it from him, even if the judge said she can. I can't believe she can look at his life right now and continue taking his money. Today I saw where my dad is moving. He's moving into my uncle's house. Thing is, the house is under heavy construction. There isn't a kitchen. It's totally and completely crowded with shit, because my uncle loves furniture and fills his home with it. My dad has a bedroom he can move into, and also a den he can use. And a bathroom. That's about it. My uncle doesn't even live there because of its condition. Estimates are, it will be finished by the end of the summer. Which will be very nice, and once they're both settled in, they should be pretty good. There's definitely enough room for them both to live there comfortably. There is not, however, enough room for them and all of their things to live there. My dad is basically trying to get rid of everything he owns. If you walk through my house, most things you see will not be in our possession after a few more weeks. He has a house's worth of things and a bedroom to move into. It sucks pretty hard. He's liquidating most of what he owns. My cat is going with him, which kind of sucks, because I'm not. I enjoy my cat's presence and I won't like not living with her. My mom has an entire basement for me to move into, on Fisher, but I am really not feeling it too much. I'll probably set up a nice space there and end up going to my uncle's quite often anyway. If/when my dad gets a job, it will probably force him to move away from here, which will kind of fuck me up too. My mom recently said that all four of us - her, me, my sister, and my dad - are kind of in limbo right now, but I don't think that's true. My mom has a house and a job and is fine. Emily and Clint will figure something out for a place to live. As long as my mom's fine, I'll be fine as far as food and shelter go. It's really just my dad. I mean, I really have no direction right now aside from writing and the fact that I want a job. Blockbuster gives me 8-15 hours a week, which is terrible. I've made no REAL effort to get a higher-paying-more-hours job.

What I want right now is this: I want to find a job and work it during September and maybe October. This job would require me to move out of my home with few possessions. I would work constantly, stopping to sleep and eat, and a break every once in a while. No internet, no friends, no life, just working. On a freighter or a fishing boat or in a mine or something like that. I would do that, write in the spare time I had, and hopefully that would give me enough to pay for more school. Afterwards I'd continue working a regular job. But if I would literally sacrifice a month, maybe even two, of my life to be financially stable for the rest of the year. To be able to attend school and live on my own. Any time I needed money, I'd use what I got bi-weekly from Blockbuster first, and try as hard as I could to never dip into what I made from my month or two of labor. I'd do that every year until I got a real job. Seriously. I want to look for something like that but I'm not really sure where to start. But I am going to look, and ask around. Right now my life just is at a low point. I'm slowly being edged out of my parents' responsibility, which is fine because I was trying to become independent anyway, but I don't really have anywhere to go without funds to pay for school. I'm trying as hard as I can to just avoid loans altogether. This is not fun living.


:: 2008 10 June :: 8.49 am
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I think I have the perfect physical form to become a supervillain. Or, close to perfect. Imagine my hair a bit darker, and about the length it is now. What I'd have to do is have it completely slicked back. My face is pale, and where my receding hairline is, there are visible blue veins. If my hair were darker, my pale face would be accentuated as well as the veins. With the hair slicked back, I would have this menacing and unique hair pattern. My hair is also thick, and on the sides it goes backwards in this interesting wavy way that makes me look a lot older and kind of evil. Having a very small amount of facial hair would be good too, like a modest mustache and some hair on my chin. The beard hair would start below my bottom lip in the center, then go down, and on the bottom of my jaw it would split into two points, pointing backwards. Put a black or dark red suit on me and I'd be good. Maybe a streak of white going back through my hair. I would love to look like that all the time. I think I could pull it off and look awesome and evil and menacing and probably pretty handsome too. But it would be fucking ridiculous. If I find someone worthy of being my arch nemesis, I will totally do it. Right now I can only imagine Griffin in that position, but I still like him. Maybe in a few years. Fleming is too friendly and Colin is too lazy. Everyone else is too stupid.


:: 2008 8 June :: 6.54 am
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There was an offer for my house, and seeing as it's the first offer in the three years that the house has been for sale, I'm pretty sure my dad is taking it. We'd have to be out by July 22. I found this all out by reading documents on my dining room table. My dad didn't say anything to me. To be fair, he and I rarely see each other due to our near-opposite sleep schedules and the fact that I am not here a lot. An hour or two ago I listened to a message on the answering machine from the real estate agent. I laughed out loud when she didn't hang up properly and then spoke to someone else about my dad. She said it was Scott Pitts' brother, the guy she was talking to asked if he's gay (my uncle Scott is), she said she likes Scott better. Said my dad is a really rough guy but nice, like a big teddy bear. It was very funny to listen to, I'm looking forward to my dad hearing it.

I am really not liking living with my dad at this point. Same would go for my mom. It's not even like living with parents anymore, it's more like having a 59 year old roommate. I know way more about his personal life and personal problems than I ever did before, and to be honest, I'm not super comfortable with it. One example is the joint I found in his sink last night. I know he's been depressed and having a rough time financially and otherwise, especially since last summer or so, but while I was at college it was kind of out of sight out of mind. Now I am around it. Another example of what I don't like to witness is the fact that he's been gone all day and still isn't home at 7 AM. He is with Theresa. Theresa is the woman he's been seeing for... two years now? Maybe a year and a half. Before December I'd only met her twice, very briefly. No one else in my dad's life had at all. But during this past school year he introduced her to his siblings and their significant others, and she fits in perfectly. She likes them all a lot and they all like her a lot. My dad's side of the family is very eccentric and out-there. We only ever see Scott and Christine, and their partners Mike and Lynne. All four of them are very different, Mike and Lynne are a lot more on the "normal" end of the spectrum and Scott and Christine are on opposite ends of their own unique spectrum. Scott is relentlessly goofy, very outgoing and fun. Everyone that meets him likes him. I wouldn't say he's flamboyant, but some would. Anyway. Theresa fits right in with the strange group of my dad's family, so she's been showing up more and more at family gatherings. The first time she was in the house was sometime in December or January for her surprise birthday party. She and my dad don't do much, really. For a long, long time they'd get together once a week for dinner and a movie, usually a rented movie at her house. Now they spend a lot more time together, but still just on weekends as far as I know. Taking my sister and I out of the equation, I think my dad might have just met Theresa about 25 years too late.

I can't think of anything that would bring my dad and my mom together. Thinking on it lately, I can't believe they lasted as long as they did, or got married in the first place. Every relationship has things that no one else sees, but I mean... they are two very, very different people on every level. Personality, likes, dislikes, emotions, I could go on and on. Thinking of my parents together just doesn't feel right. Devin and Corey, for example... there are no questions as to why they are together or how it happened.

My mom is so strange and foreign to me now. When we were at dinner, Tony went to the bathroom. The whole time he was gone, my mom was just making excuses about him. "It's just for fun, nothing serious. I think he's funny. I like this and that about him, right? I'm being casual like your dad is with Theresa." And so on. A few weeks ago she was talking to me about eHarmony or match.com or something like that. I wished her luck and asked not to be told about such ventures. She is very lonely, I think, and while I feel bad I am also still not comfortable hearing about it. I don't tell her that, of course. But she also does not understand things very often. There was no way for me to explain to her why I'm not sure I want to return to Chicago at the end of the summer. She was like a child. I said it was nothing wrong with the school, that it wasn't about living alone. Still she said "I thought you liked your classes" and "What if you lived with your roommates from last year?" (Yes, I have told her everything about them that I have written here, which is one reason why that question was so frustrating.) I told her so many times that it just is not something I am happy with. It is not where I want to be. But she just could not understand. She kept asking. My dad and my aunt Christine both understood immediately what I meant when I told them that. They also both supported me. My mom kind of does too, I guess... I think the best way to sum up my frustrations with her is to say: She is just such a NORMIE. Why would I go to an artsy school when I can go to a state school? Why would I grow my hair out? Why would I wear a black shirt on Easter? Why would I take a semester off of school? Why doesn't he believe in God? (The next one is the best, she asks it even after acknowledging the previous one.) Why doesn't he want fellowship with other Christians? None of this makes sense. Why is he doing those things, instead of what normal kids do? It is a struggle I have had with her since about 8th grade, and it's really driving me insane. She has no comprehension for the way I feel now, the way my dad and his sister felt when they were my age. There must be some REASON why he doesn't want to go back to Chicago this fall! I need to stop myself. I could go on like this forever. I really am losing interest in having a close relationship with her. She remembers almost nothing I say, which I don't care about except for the fact that she asks me questions ALL THE TIME that I've explained to her in DEPTH many times before. I'll go on for 30 minutes to her about why my roommates frustrate me and why I want to live alone, and then two weeks later she asks me why I don't want to live with my roommates next year. I can't take it.

And the thing is, my dad and I are so much alike in these ways, I can't believe he married her. I am not speaking ill of my mother at this point. They are just so fucking different. I know opposites attract and all that shit, but their differences are in places that can't be smoothed over. Like, it's hard to have a conversation.

You can read that and think I am a monster for saying such things about my mother. If you go back to my 2006 entires starting in the summer, you will see in depth what I will briefly state here. You and I are different people. We have different parents and different relationships with our parents. We have different emotional, intellectual and psychological capacities. We have different morals and different views of the world. So you have no place to judge my feelings towards my family or people in my life. I started in this vein in 2006, after I told someone that I didn't care or feel anything about my parent's divorce. They told me that "that's not right." You know, I could have erased that but I will correct it now. That person never said "that's not right" in relation to my parents' divorce. They said it about me not caring a lot about my sister. Something less judgemental and overarching about the divorce. That is my mistake. Nonetheless, that got me thinking about it a lot, and I still do sometimes. I have this little stigma about the word "normal." Any time I hear someone say someone else is not normal I get kind of angry/defensive/indignant about it, sometimes more than I should. Anyway. I just went through a bunch of old conversations from that time period. Man. I was an idiot. And man, I am very apathetic about a lot of things still. I really wish I hadn't read any of those old conversations and reminded myself how retarded I am capable of being. But I did find a picture from explodingdog.com that is perfect for me and probably for some of you too. Minus the pills. The fact that it's 8 AM right now emphasizes that.

http://www.explodingdog.com/dumbpict51/cantseemtosleepthesedys.gif

Edit Monday 6:14 AM: I'm really not as apathetic as I'd like to think. We have to move out by July 15. My dad has no job and is moving in with his brother. I will be moving in with my mom and also with my dad and my uncle I guess. It's all very upsetting to me and even more motivation for me to leave and maraud for a bit. That plus some other things are making me very unhappy lately. You may have noticed.


:: 2008 7 June :: 4.41 am
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Alright everyone I promised a follow-up and even though I'm a totally strange and unheard-of brand of drunk, I will deliver. I was wrong. Tony did not do the things I said he would do. My mom mentioned that I had expressed interest in rabbit-hunting and camping in the wilderness, and he proceeded to grill me on my plans for this and tell me that hunting without a permit is illegal and that trespassing is illegal. Thanks, dude. He's the kind of guy that makes a very dry joke and then stares at you, waiting for a response. Most of his jokes don't warrant a response, so you will just smile, laugh a little, nod your head. But he continues to stare at you, waiting for more of a response and following through with his dry joke told seriously. I hate when people are like that, it's really disarming, awkward and uncomfortable. Then, at the baseball game, my mom was about to get me a beer and he said she shouldn't. He said it's not a good idea to give me a beer because I am underage. What the fuck, man. If anyone is in charge of what I drink (and by the way, no one is but me,) it's definitely my mom, not you. If my MOTHER is going to give me alcohol, who the hell are you to step in? Come on. You're taking a guy that has no interest in sports to a baseball game, because you're dating his mom, and you're going to try that shit? Well, Emma was there and had read my previous entry so she texted me. We met up, I sat with her and her friends for a bit and then she sat with me and my mom and Tony for a bit. The game ended, I had to watch the fireworks. The whole night was uncomfortably hot and kind of boring. Then the drive home took forever because of traffic and stuff, and his car had no air conditioning. It did have it, but he turned it on and it wasn't very cold and smelled weird. I was sweating more in the car than at the game. I really wanted out. And I felt bad, because he did pay a good amount of money for my ticket. I tried to be polite and everything but it's like, if I'm too friendly then I'm selling out and being fake, and if I'm not friendly enough then I'm an ungrateful asshole. I think it went OK overall.

After that I found that my dad had smoked pot in his bathroom. Whoops. Not going to talk to him about that. He gave me a ride to the bar which got more fun as I got more drunk. Then we went to CAID where I danced alone for a long time and got really tired and really sweaty but had fun. After that was driving around with these people and then home.

I hate when people use the term light-year to describe time. "Don't wait another light-year before calling me again!" That doesn't work. Light year is distance, fuck you.

Tonight I felt very strange. I was drunk, but a weird mix between happy drunk and depressed drunk. Then I danced a lot and became tired, but I was exhausted tired, not drunk tired. And the whole thing wore off pretty quickly. Very strange.


:: 2008 6 June :: 8.09 am
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I am miserable. The temperature in my home is just cold enough to keep me from sweating or breathing poorly, and just hot enough to make me completely uncomfortable. I'm only in my boxers and I am right on the verge of sweating but as long as I don't exert myself it will not happen. I wanted to be asleep an hour ago but this horrible temperature mixed with the sun coming up and my getting-worse stuffy nose make it so that I lie in my bed, throwing the sheet off and replacing it again minutes later, turning over, moving my limbs to less warm areas of the bed, and while I do this the day gets brighter and the hour gets later and the bed keeps squeaking and right before I doze off I sneeze or need to blow my nose, which basically restarts the process by getting me out of bed or sitting up or something new and I continue to be tired and miserable while I hear my dad get up and prepare for work and while the room grows warmer due to the sunlight pouring in all around me and even if I do decide to face my father's subtle frustration and go turn down the thermostat, the change won't happen in time for me to notice and by the time it does he'll have turned it up again, so what's the point anyway, right? Every night I sleep worse than the night before.

I have absolutely no desire to meet the guy my mom has been seeing, Tony, and spend the entire evening with them tomorrow. I guess the three of us are going to dinner and then to the Tigers game. She called me a few days ago and asked if I want to go to a baseball game Friday. I thought for three seconds and said "No..." She knows that that is not something I would enjoy. But she told me that it's for her birthday, so of course I had to do it. Aside from it being the right thing to do, if I hadn't done it, she would have told me it didn't matter and then brought it up next time she was angry with me. So I agreed and then today she threw the dinner part on me too, reminding me that it would just be the three of us, as if I can back out at this point. So first I have to sit and have dinner with my mom and Tony. I don't like hanging out with new adults for two reasons. One, I have to really put on a show and be super polite and friendly, which is a lot of effort and very fake, two things I don't enjoy. The other reason is that I have to tell them all about my interests, history, future, and most commonly, how "school is going." What are they going to ask me when I graduate? How school went? Jesus. I know we don't have anything to talk about, but give me a fucking break. So tomorrow I will be eating with Tony and repeating myself for the millionth time about what things I like, what things I don't like, what I want to do when I grow up, and what kind of grades I get. (British digression: Everyone that knows that I like movies and am studying film (everyone that doesn't know me well, anyway) asks me what my favorite movie is, what I want to do in film, and then names a few movies that they like. They ask me if I have seen them, then they recommend them, then they ask what movies I've seen lately. It happens to me every fucking time I talk to an adult about my interests and I'm getting close to just telling everyone that my only interest is the Detroit Red Wings and my favorite player is Brett Farve and yes, I did see them win the World Cup against the Penguins with that final home run. Best way to do that is with a serious expression and to act like everything is right in the world. You know what? I might try that tomorrow. I will post again with the results. British digression over.) My mom isn't super fun to hang out with either because I talk to her less than my dad and basically have to run her through everything I've told him since I got home. This is how tomorrow's dinner will go: Tony and I will get acquainted with the help of my mother. As soon as that's over, my mom will jump into "WHY DO U WANT 2 LEEVE COLUMBIA I THOUGHT U LIEKED IT" and I will have to explain to her for the third time that I do like Columbia and just don't want to go back to Chicago just yet. Tony asking me how school went, what movies I like, and all of the aforementioned adult things will happen over the course of the entire meal. Tomorrow we'll see how accurate that is. I have no idea how the baseball game will go. I do know that I won't enjoy it.

I don't get why no one can keep track of my major. It started as majoring in film, concentrating in directing. I changed it a few months ago to majoring in film, concentrating in screenwriting. I told my friends and family of this change, a few times even, but none of them seem to ever remember. I don't care so much about people knowing what's going on in my life, but man, if you have me explain to you what my major is and why I changed it, keep track. And if they just keep asking me, even that I can understand. But I'm so sick of the surprised looks and then "Oh, I thought you were majoring in ______?!?!?!"

If anyone in my family finds this I hope they will never mention it to me or each other. I think my dad would ignore it, and my mom and sisters would bring it up to me. After reading this comment, they'd all ignore it except my mom, who would say "Why would I be the only one to bring it up to you after reading that?!" and get very hurt.

I really want to sleep. I cannot.


:: 2008 2 June :: 5.29 pm
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This is the least stable and secure I've felt in a long time. I don't know. I woke up today and became horrified and do not know what I want or what I should do or how things should happen. This relates to college and moving back to Chicago full-time. I really am not sure that living by myself in Chicago and attending Columbia is what I would like to do anymore. I know that for a career I would like to write and to make movies. I do not want to work at Blockbuster anymore, I do not want to wait tables or tend bar. I want to get on a train with my laptop and ride it to California and then get on a boat and ride it to Japan and then get on a boat and ride it to China and continue to go in that direction until I am here again. And while I do that I can figure out if I want to stop somewhere and stay there for a while, or what I'd like to do when I finish. I can't think of anything that I want to do. I want to be here right now, with my friends, but I don't want to be here forever. Basically, thinking about how I want my life to be come August, I can only think of leaving here and not having a destination. I imagine myself living in a small apartment in Chicago with all of my things there, working at Blockbuster and attending Columbia and not having much of a social life or much free time, and that makes me sad. Living alone. Working a job that I don't respect or plan to keep. Going to school, learning things, having very interesting classes, but being there all the time and paying all that money for it. If I stay here, that's probably even worse. It would be awesome that Griffin and Colin would probably be here, and Fleming nearby, but I would be in Grosse Pointe living with my dad at 19, working two (dead-end) jobs and not attending school. Or hey, maybe taking classes at Wayne and working one job, but nonetheless still with my parents and still in Grosse Pointe. I just don't see myself as happy in any situation except by myself without any plans or restrictions. Thing is, if I were to do that, I'd come back and unless I got a book published on the trip I'd be obligated to return to college. I'd have no money to do that and after a trip around the world, who wants to settle down somewhere and go to school? Maybe I would. Who knows. I know I don't want to live in Chicago after college. I don't want to become an Illinois resident.

I don't know what I want to do but right now I'm not working OR going to school and I know that that is not good.


:: 2008 24 April :: 5.34 am
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OK, so, you may not know my routine, how I spend my time. I wake up as late as I can with enough time to get ready and leave on time for whatever obligation I have. So, I get up at 2:45 PM on days when I have a 3:30 class. If I work at 5, I get up at 4. I go to bed usually between 7 and 8 AM. On a school day, I get home at about 9:30 PM, and from then until I go to bed, I do as I please in the apartment more or less. Between 2 and 4 AM I start a movie, and shortly after that ends I go to bed. It's nice because I can watch movies without any interruption from other people in the apartment and I can really do whatever the fuck I want within reason all night.

Forrest has a friend staying here, on a huge inflatable mattress in the middle of the living room. He is staying here indefinitely until they find an apartment. They are going to bed right now. Usually Forrest goes to bed at 1 AM or so. They are going to bed at 5:37 AM. If Forrest's friend doesn't find a new place to sleep, I am going to be seriously fucking pissed off. Just occupy my entire apartment for yourself, why don't you. Just because you're Forrest's guest. I really resent that. Not the guest. I'm pissed at Forrest for bringing the guy here in that situation. It's one thing when Colin comes here for 2 days and crashes on the couch. He stays up all night too, he doesn't get in anyone's way. And when Dan's girlfriend is here, she sleeps in his bed. No problem. But to have a guy occupy the living room all night, indefinitely? That's really not fucking cool at all. That basically means I am forced to sit in my bedroom all night. It means I cannot use any of my things that I have in the living room.

Forrest always asks me if things are OK. Even if they're not, I am in no position to say no. "Hey, is it cool if he sleeps in here tonight?" What am I going to say? No? That doesn't work. I don't really have a choice but to say "yeah that's fine" and act surprised that he's asking me, but seriously, it's not fine. I'm pissed.


:: 2008 17 April :: 2.40 am
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I am losing my mind today. I refer you to a previous entry where I describe a mood that I get into sometimes where every little thing other people do drives me crazy. That is me tonight. I think I've narrowed that down to sounds. What drives me crazy are sounds from other people. When I am in this mood generally, it's from the sounds of people talking on the subway, loud sirens or car horns, etc. Today it was Dan and Bruce and their regular sounds. It's not fair for me to be so frustrated or upset with them because they were just doing normal things but it still made me want to put my head through the wall. First, I was in the bathroom and I could fucking hear Bruce chewing out in the living room. Literally the only sound in the apartment was Bruce chewing his pizza and it fucking infuriated me. I like to take a quick nap between classes, for an hour or less. Today it would have been about 45 minutes and right before I got to sleep Dan came in and started rummaging through his shit. He spent 20 minutes zipping bags, moving things, and making all the noises that accompany those actions, so those 20 minutes were me in bed waiting for him to leave. When he finally did leave, he came back in a few more times and left. I couldn't understand why, for the 45 minutes that I'm trying to sleep, he chooses to do this. Why is RIGHT NOW the time to do that, instead of before or after I am here? Again, it's unreasonable, but it was the most obnoxious thing to me nonetheless. I can't help the flood of angry emotions that I get when I'm feeling like this. Then I was bored and wanted to play my Xbox but couldn't because he was using it (as he ALWAYS is in all of his waking hours in the apartment). So I took a short nap and woke up because he was talking quietly on the phone and making suction/spit noises (like he has a sucker or something) which were the worst thing ever and he was also drumming his fingers on the bed. Taptaptaptap. Taptaptaptap. Finally I did a little spaz flipout and got on the computer and put headphones on. Dan also has terrible smelling gas. Everyone has it sometimes, but his is ALWAYS like this, and it's literally some of the worst smells I've ever encountered from a human. So I'm at my computer and smell this and then like pulled my hair and almost punched something. I really can't explain this mood or why it happens but it is part of the reason why I have to live alone. The things other people do without thinking at all, regular things to them, drive me crazy. I can't ask them not to do it, because they're not doing anything, by all normal standards. But I also have a lot of trouble dealing with it. I can't concentrate or do anything and it always makes me just need to be alone and in a quiet place. I can't fucking handle it. Also another reason why I prefer the night to the day. I'm not always like this but sometimes I am and I just can't do it.


:: 2008 5 April :: 7.07 am
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I cannot imagine what people do with their DVDs to scratch them. The DVD should go between the case and the player... how does it get scratched beyond watchability? What do these people do?

I grow tired of living here. The apartment itself is great. When I am alone and can do as I please, there are no real problems here. Nothing to bother me at each second. It's never fun that I can't drink, but that's not the same thing. But I am losing patience with other human beings. I don't like that if Dan is playing my Xbox 360 on my TV with my surround system, and I want to use it, I have to otherwise occupy myself until he is finished. Yes, I can always ask him to stop using it, and he will have to because it is mine. But that is very rude and I don't like to be an asshole. Everything that goes on here that bothers me can be stopped, I just won't be able to live with myself if I do so. I could tell Dan No, I absolutely refuse to put up with your girlfriend staying here any longer. He would probably not listen. I could tell Bruce Listen, stop talking to me, stop inviting me out with you, stop asking if I'm OK, I do not like you. I could tell Adam Yes, your singing voice is above average quality but you are the most obnoxious person and I will not put up with your insane noise in my home any longer, you must leave.

Adam comes here all the time. He comes here and drinks our pop and eats our food. He comes here and condescends to all of us, Bruce more than anyone. I do not particularly like Bruce but in many ways he is like a child, and Adam seems to take advantage of that. Bruce puts up with it, maybe doesn't even notice, but Adam is a royal asshole to him. Adam also talks like he knows everything about everything and no one else does. He talks to me about many things in a very dumbed-down and condescending tone but usually I know and care more about those things than he does. Colin has noticed the same thing, we spoke about it. Worse than all of that is that Adam is a very loud and a very defensive person. He comes into our home and treats it like his own and he sings and plays guitar loudly and constantly. He walks around singing. He sings while people are working or watching TV or listening to music. He sings all the time. He is not bad at singing but it is very very obnoxious. Any time someone asks him to stop he becomes offended and upset and offers that his singing voice is very good and that we should shut up. One time I brought up the point that he is in my home and I do not have to shut up, but he is there on our good graces and he doesn't need to be. At that he got his things and started to leave. I did not ask him to leave, I merely made the point that IN SOMEONE ELSE'S HOME YOU DO AS THEY SAY (to an extent), DO NOT TELL THEM TO SHUT UP.

Lauren is Dan's girlfriend. They met online and she will be attending Columbia next year. She first came here to stay with us for a weekend. It was to be Thursday until Monday. She missed her plane and was in such bliss here with Danny that she decided to stay another week. She was here for ten days. While she and Dan were perfectly happy with this, Bruce and I were less than. To us, she was overstaying her welcome. She ate our food, took up our space, drank our dranks, and used our personal things. Not to mention, Dan is a total retard with her in some ways. Messes take the backseat to a few extra minutes with Lauren, so he does not clean them as much. Since Lauren is a guest and his girlfriend, Dan does not want to deny her anything. Thus, he allows her to eat food specifically labeled "Alex" or "Bruce" from the fridge. Or, he says it is OK to use things in the bathroom that he shares with me, things that do not belong to him. She came up last Wednesday and I believe she leaves this Sunday. Yes, another 10 or so days. This time, I came home to find hair matching her length and color in my comb. That was unpleasant. I found it rude. I also came back from my trip to Detroit to find that my Irish Spring body wash container was a lot lighter than it was when I left. Today in the shower I turned it upside down to no avail: it was all gone. Last time I had used it, there was at least enough for another shower. Also, I place my conditioner upside down, so that it comes out easier. Today it was right side up. To make sure I was not mistaken, I made sure to place it upside down, and after she took a shower it was right side up. This very much irks me. I buy my own soaps and conditioners and hygienic supplies, I buy them for myself. I do not buy them for Dan's guest. If she were staying for a few days like normal guests, it would not matter. But she stays for over a week at a time. Her things occupy floor space in our bedroom, and she finished my Raisin Bran Crunch. I have little to no opinion of her personally, I just do not want her in my home any longer.

Dan plays Call of Duty 4 on my Xbox 360 whenever he can. Sometimes I want to watch a movie, watch TV, or play Mass Effect. Since everything in the living room belongs to me, I should have free reign, but I do not want to be a dick. So he plays and plays and plays. Sometimes I do make hints such as "how much longer are you playing" or "when are you going to bed." I do not like that I have to wait for everyone to go to bed before I can watch a movie or something. Also, we all needed to go to the store. Dan said he needed a few things and he couldn't go, he had class. That was fine, we said to write it down. He gave us a list of many many things, and most of them were things like shampoo or toothbrushes. Things for himself. Shaving cream. Etc. That was quite annoying. It would have been tolerable if he hadn't skipped class to be with Lauren. If you're going to skip class then you are no longer exempt from the trip to the store. Get your own shit. When I expressed distaste, he became angry and asked if he needs to hold my hand whenever we go shopping. I stopped the conversation at that point. I was considerably angry.

Bruce is Bruce. If I am not doing anything, he feels bad for me. I really only socialize on Tuesdays when Joel comes over. Otherwise I am at class, at work, or just enjoying time alone at home doing my own things. Bruce takes pity on me, I believe. He really, really tries to get me to go out with him. Tonight was a good example. Also, the way he says it is very insulting to me. He is so pushy but he says it very much like he's doing me a favor, being a good person, giving a helping hand to the socially impaired. "You should go man, it'll be fun." I respond with "maybe" at first and then he calls his friend to see if I can go. I say "Don't worry about it, I don't think I'm going to go." This is not enough. He continues to say "You should go" and "I really think you should go." (This one REALLY gets on my nerves.) It's one thing to invite me out but I can see straight through him and it's really insulting. I know people. I choose to stay home on a Friday night. It's not because I can't make friends, it's because I want to stay home. Leave me alone.

Forrest sucks. I just hate talking to him and being around him. I prefer it when he is gone. When he speaks to me it is annoying because of his voice, his stupidity, and his inability to form a complete sentence.

I really would like the ability to do what I want when I want. That is, go on trips when I want to, not have to spend my entire summer working my ass off. I wish I had a simple and steady form of income and I wish I could do as I please.

I hope things work out next year, that Colin and I end up in the same city, be it New York or Chicago. I hope I find the drive and motivation to continue writing.

It is very hard for me to sit down and do some writing on my own. It's hard enough to do homework, but I also try to do things for myself, and it's hard. I am really trying though. I have lots of ideas that come and go. I hope I can actually make money off writing. That would give me much pleasure.


:: 2008 23 March :: 6.34 am
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Nothing's been going on. My life has been filled with, in this order: School, work, sleep, homework, movies, JO, reading. I do have time to myself sometimes. Nothing interesting happens.

One interesting weekend though. Last Thursday night Colin took the train into town. We sneaked him in and out without issue. Friday I got drunk enough to black out for the first time. I'm not bragging. It is embarrassing but also hilarious what happened. I was totally out of my mind. From what Colin tells me, we had quite the adventure. I remember going to the party, it took a while to get there, we met up with Pat Flanagan and Richard Ray and other people. Sat around at the party, and leaving... I guess we got lost somehow. Ended up at a pizza place in Boys Town called Pie Hole talking to lesbians that wanted to make sure we got home OK. Dan signed Colin in, had to sign him out, I went down there in my boxers and let Colin back into the building and was absolutely retarded. So. That was dumb. Saturday nothing really in the day and at night we went and partied with a bunch of bros from Grosse Pointe, and then to a dance party with Kelly Withers and Brad Jensen. Brad complained the entire night about how there were gay dudes and people complimented him on his pants. I ended up spending the night in Brad Jensen's dorm room. I slept for like 3 hours and went home at 10 AM. It was not a lot of fun. Sunday Colin and I climbed in a fountain and walked around and hung out. That's the weekend in a nutshell.

Spring break started for me this past Thursday. So far I have worked. Worked Friday and worked Saturday. Friday I worked 12-8 on about 3 hours of sleep, came home, slept from 10 PM to 5 AM and then 7 AM to 3 PM. Lots of sleep. Bruce left about 7 AM. So, Saturday-Wednesday I am alone in the apartment. It is really great so far. I am looking forward to more. On Thursday I leave for Grosse Pointe and then I come back to Chicago Monday the 31st. I am kind of looking forward to that. I am getting up in a few hours to go to brunch with extended family on my mom's side. They tried to convince me to go to church and I declined. But I will be wearing a suit to brunch because they will be dressed up and I got all my shit dry-cleaned. I also really want to get dressed up in a full suit with my big coat and leather gloves. It's not very often that I get to do that. Plus I got a haircut on Friday. I will be looking good tomorrow for a few hours. Then I will come home and change into nothing and crash all day. Great.

Oh yeah. As a follow-up to the last entry. Dan's girlfriend Lauren was supposed to stay that Thursday until that Monday. She stayed an extra week. She was here for 10 days. And Wednesday she comes for another 10 days. I will be gone for half of them. But... yeah.


:: 2008 23 February :: 5.16 am
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Oh my. I've a lot on my mind. And I have to type quietly (which means slowly) because apparently Dan complains about my loud typing.

Well, let me set up this situation for you. I share a bedroom with Dan. Bruce and Forrest share a bedroom. Lauren is Dan's "friend" from Florida who sleeps in his bed and they kiss and make out and cuddle constantly. She arrived Thursday and leaves Monday. Lacey is Forrest's girlfriend. Lauren and Dan kiss CONSTANTLY, and it is loud and gross. Dan and I have bunked beds. Mine is on the floor, his is breast level. Anyway I hear everything and it's not fun at all. Not only is it like "get a room that is not mine," but also it is like they are rubbing my loneliness in my face. Feels like it did with Pat and Meg in freshman year but with a little less fawning. So that is annoying. Being on my computer while Dan sleeps doesn't bother him, but out of concern for not only Lauren's sleep but for their privacy in bed before falling asleep, I took my laptop and went to the living room. I had important computer business I was conducting. (By the way, Dan and Lauren aren't having sex, but still... I don't want to be there no matter what they're doing.) So I'm in the living room on my laptop. Forrest comes home. There is drama between he and his girlfriend Lacey. She eventually comes too, because she had nowhere to go tonight. She was going to sleep on the couch. Well, she wasn't sleeping with Forrest. So this means I can't be in my room because of Dan and Lauren, and can't be in the living room because of Lacey and Forrest. This is a dilemma. Forrest and Lacey fight for a while, and it makes things very awkward for Bruce and I. I was just trying to ignore it all. So she goes to Forrest's bed, he goes on the couch. But now Bruce objects. He doesn't want to go to bed with Lacey in there crying. He says Forrest has to put her on the couch. Forrest is kind of a dick/pussy about it (both) and tells Bruce that if he wants Lacey out of the bedroom, he can tell her. Now, Forrest really needs to 1) grow some balls and 2) take responsibility. Bruce says this, but phrases it "Control your bitch." She hears this, she's right there and the door is wide open and Bruce is a loudmouth. Anyway this was a very awkward situation. Lots of drama. She is on the couch now. And I came back to the bedroom, by then Dan and Lauren were asleep.

I love how I randomly switch between past and present tense. I totally didn't even notice that until just now.

My attitude in the apartment is quite often very mean in a joking/sarcastic way. You probably know what I mean if you know me. I feel like it is a lot more present in the apartment with the people that live here and hang out here often than it is anywhere else. I was thinking about why that is tonight. I think it might be a defense mechanism. Everyone is nice and friendly here. I am seriously not used to everyone being so nice to me and I think I am mean to them back because I've grown uncomfortable with friendliness. In the presence of friends, anyway. I mean, with Colin, Griffin and Fleming, we all like each other but are usually giving each other shit. It's all friendly and in fun, but we usually aren't downright nice and friendly to one another. When we are discussing subjects of interest and stuff, that's different. I'm not talking about my interactions with Colin, Griffin and Fleming, they haven't really affected this. It's definitely from all the time I spent with the group of people that I didn't separate myself from until winter or spring '07. You all know about it. I've written about it plenty. It sucked and everyone was mean to each other and me. But I think that made it so that I can't even return friendliness. I'm plenty social at work and in classes, that's all fine. But when I'm surrounded by people I know well and am comfortable with, like Dan, Bruce, and the friends that are always here... when they're nice to me it's very difficult for me to be straight up nice back. I'm usually mean, but make sure they know I don't mean it. No one gets offended by it, they usually say "I love you" or something in response. It's still strange, though. I think about it a lot, the fact that I do it. It's totally unnecessary and rude, even though I'm not serious. I don't even like to say I'm joking, it doesn't feel like a joke. It's just not serious. When I'm with my own friends from here, namely Joel, it doesn't come up. For the same reason as with Colin, Griffin and Fleming. We're always talking about things that we both find interesting, we're always engaged in a conversation that we mutually enjoy. But when someone like wanders into my room and asks me how are you, the usual response is "fuck you" or a middle finger or something and often a smile as well. And everyone's totally numb to it and no one cares... but it's a very present trait in me that I'm not sure I like or not. I guess it's just my humor, but I don't think I'd be like this if I had spent my time in a more friendly environment. Maybe I'm wrong.

I've also been thinking a lot about what it feels like to be excluded. This is actually a tough subject for me to write about because I find it very embarrassing and shameful. Throughout my entire life, there have been times when there is a group of people that I really want to be a part of but am totally ignored by. There will be a close-knit group of friends that look like they have a lot of fun and are really comfortable with each other, and I'll see that and I'll want to be a part of it. Usually I like most of the people in the group and talk to them regularly, spend time with them in classes, etc. For example, I think every time this happened in middle school, it was because of choir class, after school show choir, and musicals. I'd always be a part of this, this where everyone is already friends and they're all regulars, but none of the people I hang out with are involved. So I'd always be on the sidelines. Everyone in the program is so close, and I'm kind of just there. I'd kind of gotten over that in high school, except that it happened with the dumb group before it merged with my own. This was when I was trying to get back with Kathleen though and that was probably why I wanted to hang out with them. I've never admitted to actually wanting to be friends with them. But my excuse is that it was for a girl and I was not in my right mind, which really is true. I always felt so rejected and ignored and shitty whenever I'd be in that situation. It's like... so many times I'd say something and no one even listens. It's one of the worst feelings. I don't know, I guess I had that on a very small scale on Thursday with Dan, Barrett and Lauren but it was a lot different today. Usually Dan, Barrett and I get along quite well and Lauren coming was like a new baby in the family when I'm the youngest child. That was for like two hours though and I was doing my own thing that night anyway. Friday was completely different. Also what made me kind of unhappy was Friday while I was sleeping, I had the exact feeling that I had with Pat and Meg in freshman year. A couple totally lovey-dovey and cuddling and shit right in front of me. It really makes me feel shitty. Kathleen once asked me if I'd been neglected as a child. No. I am just lonely. I met this awesome girl a few weeks ago. We really hit it off and sit next to each other every week and talk. She has a boyfriend and they are happy together. I'm so fucking sick of that. I want that for myself. What the fuck. It's not that I'm not trying. I don't know what it is. It's definitely something with me. But I'm fucking tired of it. And Dan and Lauren together two feet above me really doesn't help. I'd prefer that no one even talks to me about this. Each other too, though I doubt the two or three people (my estimate) that read this are in contact with each other. I don't think I've ever written about this in here, I don't think I've even talked to more than one or two people about it, and none of them extensively. It's not comfortable for either party. But this is something that I've had issues with for years. It's one of the few feelings that has survived this long. I mean, not emotions, but it's a distinct feeling and mood that comes over me, and it's happened on and off for a long, long time. Also one of the few things that distresses me that doesn't feel even a little better after I write about it. It's terribly embarrassing and I hate it.

Jumper is a terrible movie. Atonement is an amazing movie. I saw them both today with Barrett and Lauren. Dan had something he had to do with his parents. I have a lot I could say about both movies to back up my statements, and I am not going to. I will express it to people in conversation and shit, but not here. Not now especially. Now I'm just depressed. I really need to channel this shit into my writing.

I don't really have more to say. I'm stressed out because I have two large assignments due on March 5th. I might start one this weekend. I should. I think I will get in bed and read now.

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