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:: 2006 12 February :: 2.49pm
:: Mood: angry

NEWSFLASH: i am not a doormat.
i resent the fact that people think i'm weak- because i'm not.
just because i'm an easy target doesnt mean that i'm not strong enough to hold my own. fuck it, i do it all the time, just people don't see it. just because people make fun of me and tease me all the time and i refuse to say stuff back to them doesn't mean im too weak to deal with it. i deal with it inside, i let it weigh me down, and i spin it apart inside me until i can unburden myself.

thats just my nature. i can't talk back and say mean things in my defense that i don't mean. its not me to just say shit to someone's face just to make them mad because they made me mad first. and as stupid as this may seem, no matter how much i take, i just keep on taking, sometimes even without considering ever hurting the person for retaliation.

to tell you the truth though, i'm sick of it. its tiring to go through each day with certain people making sure that you don't say things so you can be safe from the mocking. there are some people that i can't even be myself around anymore, and having to act in front of them makes me upset. i shouldn't have to mask who i really am just to save myself from being beat up on.

there are people who look for things to make fun of in me, and they admit to it too. they've flat out told me that they make fun of me more than they tease other people because i'm the easy target who doesn't fight back. but i know, just as others who know me well know, that one of these days i'm going to be pushed too far. and then, everything that ive been dealing with inside all along will come out. the walls will break down and it'll crash damn hard onto whoever it is that pushes the wrong button. so much has been pent up the whole time, i just don't understand why people feel the need to take advantage of the nice guys. just because i'm an easy target doesn't mean that you have to take advantage of that. i am not a doormat, and i do not want to be walked all over. it may come off as vulnerablility, it may come off as a weakness, but its really not, you all just don't see whats going on underneath the surface, you don't know whats been brewing for years.

and one of these days i'm going to be pushed off the deep end, and the shit's going to hit the fan. its only a matter of time.

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:: 2006 25 January :: 8.48pm

One Year...
In contracts, dollars
In funerals, in births
In 525,600 minutes
How do you figure a last year in earth?
Figure in love.


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:: 2006 9 January :: 7.27pm

"The religion of the future will be a cosmic religion. It should transcend a personal God and avoid dogmas and theology. Covering both the natural and the spiritual, it should be based on a religious sense arising from the experience of all things, natural and spiritual as a meaningful unity. If there is any religion that would cope with modern scientific needs, it would be Buddhism."
~Albert Einstein

Buddhism is the shit

here's to hoping my immune system doesn't kill me!

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:: 2006 9 January :: 5.46pm
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: #41

just something i wrote, exactly how i feel right now....
i sit at the big round table, staring straight into your eyes,
they absorb me, and i get lost in them quickly;
i can never penetrate that poker face.
stiff and still, i trust it always, without reason-
but hope: hope that this will be the time it's worth the risk.
i can only play the cards that i've been dealt.
please see the beauty in what they are.
and if you should win me over, do with them what you will,
but do remember to handle with care.
so many times i've laid my heart out on the table,
diamonds and spades insignificant in the game of love,
nestle it gently among the rest of your hand,
safe and sound- if only the cards weren't to be shuffled.
keep in mind, this is a game: i try to remember
with the queen of hearts in my hand-
"fold, fold, before you lose out, its all or nothing and both come at a cost..."
but somehow to me it's worth the gamble; 100 losses are worth the chances of a single win.

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:: 2005 7 December :: 4.45pm

this is one of the best songs i've ever heard in my life...
Time And Time Again
by Chronic Future

Inspiring, shining, rising
And when you're in my way
I'm not dividing me from you cause we're working together
Perfect in its splendor like the currents of the weather
The splinter in my center hindering all of my pleasure
Is me manifested as you in this endeavor
Once responsibility is taken I can render
Experience to be however I want to remember

Time and time again we fall in to the depths of who we are
But you can't keep running away from what you're trying to find

Put yourself through the scariest of scenarios
Enter experiences you normally wouldn't dare to go
It's all for the character and the arogant afterglow
Of knowing it's appearance according to your patterns of growth
And what your parents handed down to you to handle
Make sure you carry torches when they're puttin out your candles
Prediction can be unkind but unwind them still
Don't erase the part of you that's responsible for your will

Time and time again we fall into the depths of who we are
But you can't keep running away from what you're trying to find

Well I've seen you and those things you do
And the way you hide that shadow can't be good for you
Your dark defines your light

There's some utterly damaged particles to deal with
And if I stutter I'm sorry but it's hard to feel swift
When stuck in my stomach is a cannon ball anchor to life
I've been pushing it down pretending it doesn't exist
Well this is what happens when you're pissed about being pissed
You dig yourself so deep you resist just to resist
And there's no way to get back experiences you missed
So start right now today and risk furiousness for bliss

Time and time again we fall into the depths of who we are
But you can't keep running away from what you're trying to find

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:: 2005 28 November :: 7.24pm
:: Music: nothing

thats it

i am so sick of everything right now..not to mention how HORRIBLe shit with my mom is..i cannot deal with so many people right now..and you complain when i don't make an effort and then i start making an effort and you talk about me behind my back and don't want me to be there..and surprisingly shit like that hurts me..because maybe you don't like me so much now..im not so sure if you even know me anymore but i don't feel like it's too late until suddenly im there in an awkward situation and i realize that any effort now is just worthless..i hate this so much..i hate to think it's too late..and i hate to feel on the outside so much..at least pretend you still like me..its bad enough that i feel replaced..and maybe its completely my fault but now that i'm trying to make up for it there's just no use..i dunno..im so fed up with everything..i just needed to vent..i wish people were still here for me..theres a small few i can rely on..oh and if you ever need me..ill still be here


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:: 2005 26 November :: 3.50pm
:: Mood: hopeful

i <3 brand new
I've got desperate desires and unadmirable plans
My tongue will taste of gin and malicious intent
Bring you back to the bar
Get you out of the cold
A sober, straight face gets you out of your clothes
And they're scared that we'll know
All the crimes they'll commit
Who they'll kiss before they get home

I will lie awake
Lie for fun and fake the way I hold you
Let you fall for every empty word I say

Barely conscious in the door where you stand
Your eyes are fighting sleep while your mouth makes its demands
You laugh at every word trying hard to be cute
I almost feel sorry for what I'm going to do
And your hair smells of smoke
Who will cast the first stone?
You can sin or spend the night all alone

Brass buttons on your coat hold the cold
In the shape of a heart that they cut out of stone
You're using all your looks that you've thrown from the start
If you let me have my way I swear I'll tear you apart
Cause it's all you can be

You're a drunk and you're scared
It's ladies night, all the girls drink for free

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:: 2005 8 November :: 10.08pm

"Character is like a tree and reputation like its shadow. The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing...that if at the end, when I come to lay down the reins of power, I have lost every other friend on earth, I shall at least have one friend left, and that friend shall be down inside me."

~Abraham Lincoln~

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:: 2005 4 November :: 4.24pm

duz everyone feel this alone?

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:: 2005 3 November :: 10.43pm
:: Mood: cranky

so pretty much, i fell off the face of the woohu earth without even realizing it.
i have so much to say and i just have kept putting it off because it keeps piling up and i dont even know where to begin, so for now, ill keep it short and sweet just to bring myself back into the world.

it was just tonight while talking to steph online when i remembered that this was somewhere to express my emotions, a real outlet (not as if i didnt already know that), but she made me reread one of my posts and i started to tear. its amazing how logging emotions and parts of life into this thing can be so strong. i completely forgot about half the stuff i wrote from last year:
POINT PROVEN- i need this, because if reading something from just 6 months ago could affect me so much, i cant imagine what ill do when im 20 and i read this stuff from high school.

its more powerful than we all think.

anyway, im back.

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:: 2005 30 October :: 7.02pm

The time has come for colds and overcoats.
We're quiet on the ride,
we're all just waiting to get home.
Another week away, my greatest fear.
I need the smell of summer,
I need its noises in my ears.

If looks could really kill,
then my profession would be staring.
Please know we do this cause we care
and not for the thrill.

Collect calls to home
to tell them that I realize
that everyone who lives will someday die
and die alone.

And we won't let you in.
Though we're down and out.
No we won't let you in.
You win, you win, you win...

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:: 2005 9 October :: 2.10pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: coheed

this is way too fun...THURSDAY BABY!
Describe yourself using one band and song titles from that band
Choose a band/artist and answer only in song TITLES by that band::My Chemical Romance
Are you male or female::helena
Describe yourself::i'm not okay
How do some people feel about you::the jetset life is gonna kill you
How do you feel about yourself::headfirst for halos
Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend::honey, this mirror isn't big enough for the both of us
Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend::this is the best day ever <3
Describe where you want to be::skylines and turnstiles
Describe what you want to be::i never told you what i do for a living :)
Describe how you live::give 'em hell kid
Describe how you love::to the end
Share a few words of wisdom:it's not a fashion statement, it's a fucking deathwish
Take this survey | Find more surveys
You've been totally Bzoink*d

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:: 2005 10 September :: 6.39pm
:: Mood: stressed

9/11 Never Forget
Skylines & Turnstiles

You're not in this alone
Let me break this awkward silence
Let me go, go on record
Be the first to say I'm sorry
Hear me out
Well if you take me down
Or would you lay me out
And if the world needs something better
Let's give them one more reason now, now, now

We walk in single file
We light our rails and punch our time
Ride escalators colder than a cell

This broken city sky like butane on my skin
and stolen from my eyes
Hello Angel, tell me where are you
Tell me where we go from here

Tell me we go from...

And in this moment we can't close the lids on burning eyes
Our memories blanket us with friends we know like fallout vapor

Steel corpses stretch out towards an ending sun, scorched and black
It reaches in and tears your flesh apart
As ice cold hands rip into your heart

That's if you've still got one that's left
inside that cave you call a chest
And after seeing what we saw
can we still reclaim our innocence?
And if the world needs something better
let's give them one more reason now

This broken city sky like butane on my skin
and stolen from my eyes
Hello Angel, tell me where are you
Tell me where we go from here

Tell me we go from here...

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:: 2005 5 September :: 10.40pm
:: Mood: sad


I never dreamt it'd be this way
I lost any chance for me to say
To say that I miss you, say that I love you
Will someone please tell me I'm okay

I wasn't prepared for what's to come
A life made of memories gone so young
And now I'm regretting all I've done
But in your heart know that I'm with you all along

Wherever you go, I will be waiting
Whenever you call, I will be there
Whatever it takes, I'll make your darkest days so bright
I'm in your heart tonight

I never thought that this could go
And take me away from all I know
And leave me to think I'm on my own
But your love will take me, you were the one...

...Who sat through nights
You held me tight
And made sure I'm okay
And I thank you for the love you gave to me

Wherever you go, I will be waiting
Whenever you call, I will be there
Whatever it takes, I'll make your darkest days so bright
I'm in your heart tonight...


Wherever you go, I will be waiting
Whenever you call, I will be there
Whatever it takes, I'll make your darkest days so bright
Wherever you go, I will be waiting
Whenever you call, I will be there
Whatever it takes, I'll make your darkest days so bright
And if I should fall, I know you're waiting
And if I should call, I know you're there
If ever you cry just know
I'm in your heart tonight...
I'm in your heart tonight.

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:: 2005 12 August :: 12.52am
:: Mood: excited
:: Music: tbs-bonus mosh pt II

life is good..i <3 my job

Parents who bring squalling brats to R-rated movies
Circle I Limbo

PETA Members
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind

Rednecks, DMV Employees
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow

George Bush
Circle IV Rolling Weights

General asshats
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled

River Styx

Boston Red Sox
Circle VI Buried for Eternity

River Phlegyas

Osama bin Laden
Circle VII Burning Sands

Ashlee Simpson
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement

Republicans, Scientologists
Circle IX Frozen in Ice

Design your own hell

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