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*This could be all I'm waiting for*

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:: 2009 30 May :: 11.47 pm

I got accepted into GRCC.. well, I only have to take their admissions test, that is. I might as well go for it, although I'm not sure I'll be able to qualify for financial aid [I'm defaulted on past student loans due to not having a job..] even though I don't have a job, and "technically I'm homeless" [lol thank you Pj... my name isn't on the lease. I'm just listed as an occupant]

It's kind of exciting.

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:: 2009 14 April :: 2.27 pm

I just watched Fight Club for the first time.



Kelly made me watch it, and then demanded that I write a review and send it to him.

That was my review.

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:: 2009 3 April :: 10.44 am

I'm feeling particularly sappy/lovey today :]
I had all but given up on finding
The one that I could fall into
On the day before you
I was ready to settle for
Less than love and not much more
There was no such thing as a dream come true
Oh, but that was all the day before you

Now you're here and everything's changing
Suddenly life means so much
I can't wait to wake up tomorrow
And find out this promise is true
I will never have to go back to
The day before you

In your eyes I see forever
Makes me wish that my life never knew
The day before you

Oh, but Heaven knows those years without you
Were shaping my heart for the that day I found you
If you're the reason for all that I've been through
Then I'm thankful for the day before you

Now you're here and everything's changing
Suddenly life means so much
I can't wait to wake up tomorrow
And find out this promise is true
I will never have to go back to
The day before you

Was the last day that I ever needed alone
And I'm never going back
No I'm never going back

Now you're here and everything's changing
Suddenly life means so much
I can't wait to wake up tomorrow
And find out this promise is true
No I'm never going back
I will never have to go back to
The day before you

He's probably the only thing that is keeping me from completely falling apart and sinking below the water. MC is still being fuck faces, and I'm STILL not working. I never got some letter that they supposedly certified and sent out [how convenient], so I finally called and was all like, "um do I have a job or what?" Then I found out that I had to have my doctor fill out some form stating what my restrictions are or aren't, and I ended up having to go back in and waste another $20 that I don't have all because MC's quack of a doctor claimed my lower back strain wasn't work related nor was it a back strain even though my regular physician said it was..

So that form got faxed yesterday morning, and here I am still waiting for the cunts in HR to get their heads out of their asses and either tell me I can go back to work, or tell me that they aren't hiring.

I am SO sick of being thrown around and jumping through hoops.

In the mean time, I've been stalking and, and I've reached a high level of desperation that has lead me to applying to restaurants as a waitress :[ I have yet to hear back from anyone. Not even temp places call back :[[

I feel like a grade A failure.

I put down a $100 down payment to my best friend in CT on his Canon Rebel XT because that, the lenses, and everything else that is being sent with it was only $550 and WAYYY too good of a deal to pass up. That finally got sent out yesterday after almost a week of being told "I'll send it out this day," and then something randomly coming up that prevented it from happening. 2-3 days, so either Saturday or Monday I'll have it.

I heard from GRCC, but it was only to tell me that they needed my HS transcripts and ACT score. I sent in a written request + money to my HS last week, and hopefully they [GRCC] got everything this week.

My car is completely unsafe to drive, yay. Pj's is slowly imploding, so we are going to Waukesha [where I'm from in WI] tonight and giving a $50 down payment to my parents on my mom's Escort that she can't drive anymore. 2001, ~50k miles, and no problems to speak of. It's a Ford. It's automatic, but it's SOMETHING, and right now something is better than nothing :\

My anxiety meds were upped and then dropped back down to the lowest dosage not too long ago, and currently it seems as though they are working.

Kelly leaves next weekend which makes my heart ache every time I think about it. I hate when I get separated from my best friends, but you would think that after how many times it has happened, I would be used to it or good at it by now. Not so much, unfortunately. I'm proud of him though. REALLY proud.

And that's my life.


Rah rah.

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:: 2009 17 March :: 1.41 pm

So I finally sucked it up and applied at GRCC for their associates nursing degree program.

I'm terrified.
Of not getting accepted.
Of failing.
Of not being able to hold the GPA that is required.

In other news... I got fucked over by my job, so I'm currently job hunting like it's cool. It sounds like I'll be getting an interview with National City Bank, but I haven't heard anything for sure yet. Hopefully though I will get a phone call this week.

I finally got all of my taxes back though, so that should hold me over bill-wise at least for the next two months. I pray to god I'll have a job by then.

My car is all sorts of fucked up, and I was going to get it fixed with my tax return, but obviously that won't be happening. I also wanted to get my digital SLR, and that isn't working out either :[

I'm basically feeling rather discouraged about life in general. At least things with my love, friends, and family are wonderful. Aside from Kelly leaving in less than a month [sad face].


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:: 2009 24 February :: 11.22 am

Today... could quite possibly be my "moment of truth."

10 years after the fact.
7 years after the first step to my beginning of the end.
One week after finally making the decision to end this once and for all.

I'm nervous. Anxious. Shaking. Nauseas.
I really want a hug, and I don't want to cry.

Wish me luck.

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:: 2009 22 February :: 8.37 pm

He's hard to take a picture of because he moves around so much :[ Cute regardless though :]]



Cute, isn't he? :]

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:: 2009 21 February :: 3.00 pm

I bought a bunny today. His name is Floppers, and if he ever decides to sit still so I can take a decent picture, I will and then post.

I have a doctor's appointment on Tuesday so I can try to figure out what kind of anxiety/depression issue I might have going on. It was the scariest and hardest thing I've had to do in awhile, but hopefully they can fix whatever my issue is. I can't even explain how irritating it is getting upset over small things that a normal person wouldn't get upset over under regular circumstances.

I messed up my back at work, and I've been to the doc twice in the last week, and I go again on Monday. I hate my job, and it stresses me out like it's no bodies business.

I really really hate... people.

Oh, and Kelly is coming over soon to see my bunny which is taking his place when he leaves for boot. I hope he approves :]

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:: 2009 14 January :: 8.31 pm

I really REALLY like being a dirty kraut [*coughGermancough*]

That's all.

Well, maybe not. Today sucked a lot, and then I got really REALLY sassy and had a super fun night with Pj :]

Tomorrow is Thursday which is almost exciting, except for that it will be more exciting once it's over and then it's FRIDAY.

Lizzy, *hug*
Kelly, happy birthday ILY!
Pj, M :]

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:: 2009 9 January :: 11.59 pm

I need to figure out photoshop so I can water mark all of my pictures.

Who wants to help? :]

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:: 2009 4 January :: 8.43 pm

It was a good day today as far as the wild card games go. Colts and Vikings can EAT IT. YEA!

Fuckers :]

I also single handedly banned our entire airsoft team from that fuck off field in Muskegon. I would probably feel really fucking proud if I wasn't concerned with certain members of the team being upset with me.

Yea for having some big ass fuckin testicles and not worrying about what other people think :] Apparently there are people out there that have a seriously hard time listening to things that they don't want to hear or accept.



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:: 2009 3 January :: 12.37 am

"I'm not that kind of girl" = I'm not allowed to be that kind of girl.

My eyes are open wide
By the way I made it through the day
I watch the world outside
By the way I'm leaving out today

I just saw Hayley's comet, she waved
Said "why you always running in place?
Even the man in the moon disappeared
Somewhere in the stratosphere"

Tell my mother, tell my father
I've done the best I can
To make them realize
This is my life
I hope they understand
I'm not angry, I'm just saying
Sometimes goodbye is a second chance

Please don't cry one tear for me
I'm not afraid of what I have to say
This is my one and only voice
So listen close, it's only for today

I just saw Hayley's comet, she waved
Said "why you always running in place?
Even the man in the moon disappeared
Somewhere in the stratosphere"

Tell my mother, tell my father
I've done the best I can
To make them realize
This is my life
I hope they understand
I'm not angry, I'm just saying
Sometimes goodbye is a second chance

Here is my chance
This is my chance

Tell my mother, tell my father
I've done the best I can
To make them realize
This is my life
I hope they understand
I'm not angry, I'm just saying
Sometimes goodbye is a second chance

Sometimes goodbye
Is a second chance [x2]

It's a good song; I promise.

I'm pissed off and irritated. Console each other in private, imo. Not in front of my face.

Oh, and Kelly is the best ever. Seriously, no joke. Thank you for being you; for being honest, for being my friend, for everything. See you tomorrow, and thanks for not being mad at me <3

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:: 2008 22 December :: 9.56 am

So we're leaving for Wisconsin today instead of tomorrow to avoid the 3-5 inches of snow that's expected here and in Waukesha tomorrow :] I'm really REALLY excited. I just hope that it doesn't turn out to be that after 3 days I'm ready to GTFO and come back home like it was last time :x

Anwayyy. Time to go pack for a week and continue waiting for my best half to get home :]] I love him. So much :D

Happy holidays to everyone!! Have a great and safe one *hugs*

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:: 2008 18 December :: 8.37 pm

It was seriously a good day today, and I am going to go to sleep soon content and with a smile on my pretty little face.

Pj is AMAZING and fixed CoD5 for me, so it finally runs without playing like complete trash which has in turn sparked my love/lust for it once again <3 I have missed CoD. A lot. Now I just need to learn all the maps and guns so I don't play like complete ass. I might even slave away to get through the prestige ranks too! Just to be a bad ass.

Wisconsin in... 4 days! [not counting Friday because... well, once I go to bed, it will be Friday for me]. I'm pretty GD excited!

Also... some good news that I completely forgot to post!! It's in regards to a previous entry of mine that I made a couple of months ago:

Amanda, one of the girls I had mentioned, actually wrote me back on FB a few days ago! It was pretty amazing, and I'm really really excited because she wants to hang out when I'm back "home." It's hard when you lose a BFF that you've known since you were 9 :\ Here's to catching up on old times and rekindling the best friendships ever.

Maybe there's still hope for the female species ;]

I also talked to Shawn's lawyer today, and after I get some papers faxed to me, I will have everything signed that needs to be signed. Once it gets closer to our 120 day mark when the real court hearing is that finalizes the divorce, there will be serious face papers to sign that just states what will be split between the two of us as far as debt goes, and lucky for me [no sarcasm] Shawn and I will get to be on a conference call while that is all sorted out. I'm EXTREMELY glad that I'll have a say in all of this and that we'll be able to talk it out calmly and with a mediator if it's needed :] 120 days is a REALLY long time though, and JFC. I want to have some kind of celebration when all is finally said and done. I also feel like I'll finally be able to get on with my life and plan... real life *cough*things*cough* that actually MATTER to me.

I just want to say thanks to the people who have given me words of support and comfort over the last week or so. It's been the roughest ones I've had in quite awhile, and even though we're just woohu friends, it still means a lot. I'm hoping there will be better days to come.

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:: 2008 17 December :: 6.34 pm

Here's to fighting back tears for the next two and a half hours and praying that I don't end up crying myself to sleep.

This needs to end. It all needs to end, and every day things seem to get worse.

How did this happen, and why does everything suddenly feel like it's crumbling at my feet? No one did anything wrong. I don't understand.

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:: 2008 17 December :: 11.48 am

I've been stalking WebMD a lot of the afternoon with the hopes of maybe finding that I'm not just this fucked up on my own. Generalized Anxiety Disorder and OCD are fitting in a disgustingly accurate and pretty horrifying way. It's a slight comfort knowing that it might not actually be my fault that I'm a GD wreck all the damn time.

I'm fairly certain that my thought processes aren't what everyone else thinks, and when the holidays are over, I think that I'm going to schedule a doctor's appointment to see what can be determined, if anything.

I just don't want to feel like this anymore.

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:: 2008 16 December :: 6.45 pm

I think.... that I shouldn't even have a name anymore. No more going by Mandie or Amanda; Just M. That's all I hear anyway, so I'm not even sure I would respond if called by my actual name. =]

But seriously though? I really like change sometimes [hence the reason I'm dying mah hairs as we speak], and maybe switching up the name wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing? Idk. It's probably a ridiculously horrid and dumb idea, but since I'm journaling like a true pro, I'm just going to throw all of my random thought bubbles here =D

STILL a good day, even though for a brief moment in time I thought it was crumbling.

365 days of Sayche is pretty amazing, and I can't wait until we get through an entire year of taking a picture together every single day. I also can't wait until I can FINALLY get my Canon XSi. This airsoft season is going to fucking ROCK because my pictures are going to look so much more amazing =D Hopefully I'll be able to get a better grasp on my photography skills as well as dabble in photoshop a little so I can figure out how to watermark all of my work. I doubt this is ever something I'll be good enough to do professionally, but I absolutely adore it as a hobby right now =D

I'm excited to watch House tonight. And I still hate estrogen infested drama queens =]

But I LOVE mah woohu girl because she's amazing =] That's all.

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:: 2008 15 December :: 6.33 pm

It.... was a good day. The morning was rough while I was lost in my thoughts of everything that happened over the weekend [WAYTOOMUCHDRAMA].

I realized that I don't know how to handle drama when I'm made a part of it. It's easy for me to distance myself from everyone else's unless it's coming from my best friend, and then it's just nice to hear all the dirt on the people I left in Wisconsin ;]

I'm incapable of productively channeling my feelings, and because I'm such an emotional and passionate individual when it's regarding my feelings, it's extremely difficult and next to impossible to just "let it go." I can't look at it as being "in the past" when it's still so fresh in my mind, and when just the thought of everything makes my blood boil.

I've also come to the conclusion that I seriously loathe [most] women, and I'm ridiculously glad that the majority of my friends are sporting cranks. Grats to you and your gd testosterone.

To all of my friends out there: "I've known him/her longer" is not a valid argument when someone tells you to back off/fuck off after flirting and/or openly expressing feelings of interest to your significant other. Also, when YOU fuck up by doing aforementioned things, do NOT try to make the innocent party feel guilty because feelings of absolute rage will ensue.

Girls who play those games should be punched in the fucking face.

/end rant.


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:: 2008 14 December :: 1.23 am


She keeps making references to me being fat? How does that not make HER insecure? I never once said anything negative about the way she looks. I also never claimed to be some kind of model or beauty queen, but really? Who in this day and age seriously go out of their way to call someone fat every ten seconds without having some kind of serious insecurities about themselves?

I laughed in her face every single time, even though after hearing it idk how many times now, it's just starting to get under my nerves. If I had a serious weight issue, then I wouldn't be capable of brisk walking for around 8 hours a day like my job requires. Not only that, but being seriously over weight is not exactly attractive. If I wasn't at least remotely attractive, I can guarantee that I wouldn't be in a relationship right now. I don't care WHO you are, but to have a relationship that will work and last, there has to be SOME level of attraction between the two people involved in said relationship.

Little girls can go fuck themselves.

/end rant.

Tomorrow I'm tempted to take pictures of the texts with my cam cam just to post them for future comic relief. The only thing that I keep calling her is a dumb cunt or a dumb bitch =] That's only insulting her so called intelligence/common sense which is the only thing worth insulting since looks do not determine who a person is.

I need to find female Michigan friends who don't fail at every aspect of life, IMO. Wisconsin only has 3.

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:: 2008 14 December :: 12.37 am

Sometimes... drinking is an okay thing. I have times where I get really emotional to the point where I'm hysteric, and then I have times where I am just tipsy/drunk enough to get everything off my chest and say everything that has needed to be said for a long time.

The latter was one of those nights, that was partially brought on by earlier events in the day and partially brought on by retardedly immature stupid ignorant cunt bags who felt the need to be dramatic tonight. Either way... things were said that needed to be said, and for now, I feel better about them; and I will continue to feel better about them until the "same routine" falls back into place.

I don't know how the days are going to play out, but I'm hoping that all the tears I shed weren't on empty ears or an uncaring shoulder.

My ex's current girlfriend has been harassing me for the majority of the night for no real apparent reason. Shawn contacted me a few days ago all upset because his girlfriend was acting funny and texting a guy with inappropriate messages. So they "broke up," I guess, and she sent me a text tonight letting me know that they were back together, and was a real bitch about it. For those of you who don't know me, I do NOT take that kind of shit from people, especially from those who don't know a goddamn thing about me. So, I've been texting her back for like the last hour because the fuck if I'm going to let her have the last goddamn word in. She's trying to threaten my car even though I have the title and BOTH of our names our on it, not to mention that it's separated by an OR so that means either one of us can sign the title to get it into either of our names. She's trying to tell me that I should just wait til the divorce... like he's going to take more from me? He was left with 95% of everything we owned. I moved to Michigan with nothing more than my computer, car, clothes, and camera because that's all that i could carry in my car. Who in their right mind would take what I took when Shawn makes more than I do and already has a practically brand new car? Not to mention that I haven't even SEEN divorce papers yet to sign lol.

Omg. This just reminds me of why I have next to NO female friends. They are all dramatic petty fucking cunt bags who all deserve to be punched in the goddamn face. If you are a female and on my friends list, you better count your goddamn blessings because you're obviously something special.

I am about ready to cut this bitches throat if she keeps threatening me. I hate girls. So much. But I'm too stubborn to let her get the last word in. Fuckkk


So much drama. I never have drama!

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:: 2008 13 December :: 2.11 pm

Had a bad day again
She said I would not understand
She left a note and said, "I'm sorry I
had a bad day again"

She spilled her coffee, broke her shoelace
Smeared the lipstick on her face
Slammed the door and said, "I'm sorry I
had a bad day again"

And she swears there's nothing wrong
I hear her playing that same old song
She puts me off and puts me on

And had a bad day again
She said I would not understand
Left a note and said, "I'm sorry I
had a bad day again"


And she swears there's nothing wrong
I hear her playing that same old song
She puts me off and puts me on

Oh and had a bad day again
She said I would not understand
She left a note and said, "I'm sorry I
had a bad day...again"

She left a note and said, "I'm sorry I
had a bad day..."

Thank you, Fuel =\

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:: 2008 5 December :: 4.03 pm

New phonee
So... Pj bought me an iPhone for Christmas =] Have I ever mentioned in here how much I effing love him? =P


Add it, use it, whatevs.


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:: 2008 22 August :: 9.22 am

Cowboy TELEVISED preseason game tonight!!!!

I'm surprised that the 49'ers pulled off a win last night; the Bears were doing pretty damn well during the first half.

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:: 2008 20 August :: 9.29 am

Well the job at MC is mine. I met with Ann this morning got a tour of my side of the building, and found out what exactly is going to be expected of me. I'm pretty excited because it sounds like I'm going to be fully trained to do Pj's mom's job as well as another woman who works in the same office. I'm also going to be trained to be a picker in shoes, and receiving, and I get to learn how to drive a hi-lo =D

It's now just a waiting game until Sue does my background check, which she should have done right away after my first interview when Ann originally told her that she wanted to hire me. Ann also said that she had to fight for me to get this job because Sue told her she's only supposed to hire people with warehouse experience which... doesn't make a lot of sense considering they've hired plenty of people without warehouse experience.

But anyway! The job is mineeee, and hopefully I'll get to start next week sometime.

I'm really excited =D

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:: 2008 18 August :: 12.19 pm

So apparently the HR woman from MC called me this morning. It was from an unknown number, and I never answer calls from an unknown number or a number that I don't recognize. 2 HOURS later, I got a voicemail. Naturally I called her back right away, and of course I get her voicemail. So, now I'll be lucky if I get a call back before 2pm when Ann leaves, which is who I'm assuming I'll be meeting with since Sue said that the assistant manager wanted to meet with me regarding open positions.

God damnit.

It would be REALLY great if my phone actually got reception in my own fucking home.

/end QQ's.

It was a really great weekend, btw. I hope that the week continues on that way.

I'm looking to get rid of my Sunfire because, well, I want something that's fun to drive, and to be honest, I don't feel like putting any money in to the car to get it fixed. I have a feeling that something seriously bad will go wrong with it, and I don't have the money or care enough about the car to get it fixed. Sooooooooo I looked on for a 5 speed that's in the area, and a lot in Holland has a 96 Jetta GLS for $3900. I fell in love. IN LOVE. It's white, which is perfect because it seems to fit the body style well. It's my favorite Jetta body style which is REALLY exciting. Power everything, SUNROOF, 103k miles, and it's a fucking Jetta. Cute as hell, imo.


I don't have 4k to spend however, and Idk how much I can get for a trade in with the condition my Sunfire is in. I also don't think I would be able to get financing because of my credit even if it's one of those places that says they can do financing for bad credit.

I still want to go look at it and drool a little bit =[ And have Pj test drive it for me, since he knows what a 5 speed is supposed to feel and sound like. Sigh.

I was just talking about how I love the older style Jettas too =[ I'd like to think this is some sort of sign, but I doubt it. It's just some higher power being a cock tease. For the cock that I don't have. Cunt tease? Hahaha. That works.

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:: 2008 15 August :: 9.11 am

Right. So. Cleaning the bathroom is probably the most disgusting chore there could ever possibly be, and it's even worse because there is cat hair EVERYWHERE. It was so disgusting that I'm leaving the door closed from now on just to keep them out of there so I never have to deal with that again.

I have.. I wouldn't necessarily say a phobia, and I wouldn't really call it OCD, but I HATE when my hands get dirty, or when anything remotely gross comes in contact with them, and I absolutely HATE hair when it's not attached to someone's head. So yea. That was just the worst. Wet cat hair that won't come off of the wash cloth which forces me to touch it. Omfg. Gag reflex was definitely getting some exercise in that brief period of time. I probably did a half assed job too because I couldn't stand it, and I felt so disgusting =x

I STILL want to scrub my hands after I just spent like 5 minutes washing them in the kitchen sink.

I'm letting my stomach settle a little bit before I go back in to clean the mirror.

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:: 2008 13 August :: 2.32 pm

Apparently the interview I had was for formality purposes, and the woman that Pj has been talking to told him that I was being hired regardless =]

Soooooooo YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
adhaskldjaskl;djasl;djas; =]]]]]]]]]]

I'm just waiting to find out my start date =]
Good bye Chase!

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:: 2008 13 August :: 9.50 am

I completely lost the high that I was on yesterday.

I had my interview this morning, and I don't think it went well at all. She wasn't very responsive which makes it really hard for me to keep up the energy. Not only that, but I don't have any experience doing warehouse type things, and I was under the impression that I was going to get a 2nd interview right away based on a conversation that Pj had yesterday, and instead of getting a 2nd interview, she told me that she had 5 people coming back for 2nd's, and I wouldn't find out until the end of next week IF I even get a 2nd.

So I'm pretty much feeling like shit. I had to do that math test too. ffs. I haven't done math like that since fricken high school, so I'm not feeling too confident about that either.

She asked me if my current supervisor would say that I'm dependable, and I answered really defensively, and I couldn't stop no matter how hard I tried. I just keep thinking about how Becky threatened to cut my hours because I couldn't stay late one day, and she told me that I wasn't reliable.



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