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*This could be all I'm waiting for*

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:: 2008 12 August :: 11.20 am

Interview tomorrow morning at 9am!
Wish me luck!!!!!

I am in SUCH A GOOD FUCKING MOOD. I just hope that it lasts until I get home ;] And even if it doesn't? I have the most INCREDIBLE boyfriend in the whole fucking state of Michigan the Midwest the country WORLD, and he excels at putting me back into my normal saychie mood =D =D =D =D =D

Omgggggg <333333333333333333333333

Okay! To work I go. Actually, gas first.. then work.

Have a great fucking day, kids =]

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:: 2008 11 August :: 7.15 am

MC called on Friday to set up an interview. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to call back while she was still at work, but I did leave her a voicemail. I'm expecting a call from her sometime this morning to find out if I can go in on Tuesday morning or Wednesday to meet with her.

I don't normally remember my dreams, but there was a bad one this morning =[ Kelly and Pj got into a car accident, and Rachel and I were [obviously] crying in the emergency room while we waited. Apparently Pj wasn't waking up, and they kept saying it was because he was sleeping, not because he was in a coma. I was certain that wasn't true, because although he's a heavy sleeper, he's not impossible to wake up.

Needless to say I woke up this morning in tears, and I've been fighting the urge to call him to find out if he's truly okay. The only reason why I'm not is because he doesn't even carry his phone on him while he's at work, so I still wouldn't hear from him until around 2.

I'm really fricken tired, and I do not feel like going into work today and dealing with my manager for 9 hours. Sigh.

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:: 2008 8 August :: 7.22 am

I am eagerly awaiting a phone call to set up an interview at MC Sports. I'm not sure I can properly express how excited I am! I'm trying really really hard not to get my hopes up too high in case things don't work out in my favor, but it's proving to be quite difficult =x Any possible hope of getting away from Chase makes me ridiculously giddy *le sigh*

The only thing that I can see being an issue is that I've never had any kind of experience in a warehouse environment, but I do have Pj and his amazing mom backing me, so hopefully that will make up for the lack of experience.

So with that, I hope everyone has a good day. I'll be in hell for the next 10 hours, but it's Friday so maybe today will go by fast.

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:: 2008 7 August :: 7.29 am

First off: I hate Shawn.
Second? I think I now hate Amber and Amanda as much as I hate Shawn.

They're all friends or whatever on Facebook.

RECAP. I originally stopped hanging out with the girls because of Shawn. He didn't want me drinking all the time or smoking pot -- Fair enough. It's not a healthy lifestyle, not gonna lie. However, I could have handled things my way instead of the way that he wanted them handled. So we lost touch. I tried getting in touch with them SO MANY TIMES, and Shawn just fucking walks in and friends them like it's nothing.

IT'S NOT NOTHING. I had some of the best fucking times of my LIFE with those people, and memories that I couldn't burn out of my mind if I tried. They were there for me through my darkest days; they were the ONLY ones that were there. They were my family when I was certain that mine had turned on me, and they kept me sane.

I cannot describe the immense feeling of hurt that is coursing through my blood right now. I feel completely betrayed. COMPLETELY betrayed.

Of course when it boils down to it, it's my fault. All of it is my fault. I was vulnerable, and impressionable, so I listened to someone that I thought could have been looking out for me, and I think he was; he just didn't know the proper way to handle things.

The worst part is that I can't get rid of them no matter how hard I try. I can't forget them because they're EVERYWHERE. We all have mutual friends, people always fucking ask me if I've seen them, talked to them, heard from them. I can't get away, and the only way to do it is to completely let go of Waukesha and EVERYONE who I was friends with there, which isn't an option because that means losing Chassa which I can't/won't do.

Shawn claimed that he added Amber to find out what happened between us, and then Amanda just added him later. I sent him a text, and he said "who is this." REALLY. Is he seriously going to play fucking games with me?

I have to throw up.

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:: 2008 7 August :: 7.13 am

I'm going into work to fill the teller cash dispenser machines, and then I'm coming straight home. Becky will probably be pissed, but my stomach hurts so fucking bad that my lungs ache when they breathe. I feel like I swallowed a bag of rocks, and I don't think I slept much.

I think it may be stress related, but I'll call my dad later to confirm/find out what I can do to make it go away.

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:: 2008 5 August :: 7.56 am

I'm not so sure how I feel about my job anymore. My manager... yea. I don't like her. At all. She constantly revises my schedule and just assumes that it'll be okay, and then when it's not she makes a big fucking deal about it. Next Saturday I FINALLY wasn't scheduled, so Pj and I were going to go to a car show. Well she revised this week and next week's schedule and now I'm supposed to work next Saturday. Which would make it 6 Saturday's in a row that I would have to work, which only annoys me because she keeps saying that she wants to do 2 on 2 off. HOW IS THAT 2 ON 2 OFF. I'd REALLY like to know. Not only that, but she has BETH working too. I'm gonna try to talk to her today to find out if I can have off. Otherwise I'm just going to call in sick. Eff that S, imo.

When I worked at Best Buy, at least they had the decency to ASK YOU if you could stay later, switch days, or whatever needed to be done. They didn't just turn your shit upside down and assume you'll be okay with it.

Am I completely off base for getting so irritated about this, or is it justified? I want to say something to her like just asking if she could talk to me first before changing my schedule to make sure that it will work. This isn't about me needing to be more flexible, because I'm plenty flexible. I just don't take kindly to someone changing my shit around without asking first, and it makes me not want to do any kind of "favors." Work isn't my world, and I do have a social life. I just feel like I'm not being respected as an employee.

I think I need to start looking for new employment depending on how the conversation with my manager goes today.


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:: 2008 2 August :: 8.01 am

Good weekend to come, imo? After teh werkz, that is.
Hopefully this whole "omg I'm sick" thing won't make me too irritable/tired.

Coast Guard Festivallll!!! Fireworkssssss. Camera is charged and ready to go so that I can FINALLY get normal and good pictures with muh Sayche and the boys. I hope it's not too unbearably hot though, although I'm sure it will be =]

Kk. TO WORK! <= I'm not excited, fyi. I just like caps. A lot.

Btw, I have the BEST boyfriend in the whole entire fucking world. Jealous? Good; you should be =] Btw Rachel, I don't want to hear you tell me that yours is the best. Let's just call it a draw and say they're tied, k? =P

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:: 2008 1 August :: 6.47 am

Tried to say something to Slayer this morning, and yep. No voice. And I can't seem to clear my throat enough to get my voice back.

Work today is going to suck, especially if I don't start feeling better.

I just want to crawl back into bed and never come out =[

Edit: I lathered up with some Vick's and took a really hot shower, and that seemed to help a little bit as far as getting my voice back however not as far as making Miss Mandie feel on top of her game again =[ /fail.

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:: 2008 31 July :: 7.32 am

Yep, I think I might be getting sick.
My throat fucking hurts. A LOT.
I haven't tried talking because.. I have no one to talk to, so that would just be weird, but I have a feeling that I don't have much of a voice.
I didn't sleep much at all last night because of how uncomfortable the throat hurting was.
Emotionally I'm feeling really clingy and on the verge of tears;
Typical "sick" feelings.

Becky went into the hospital to probably finally have her baby which means that it's only me and Beth.
Beth is on vacation all next week which means that it's only me.
I need to get two days off in September for the Wisconsin airsoft op, which I'm not feeling too hopeful about at this point
I'm really really tired =[
And I really really don't want to deal with people today.

At least I don't have to close =\

Hugs, plx?

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:: 2008 30 July :: 10.41 am

Ever since I started dating again, I've always found it really awkward referring to him as my "boyfriend," just because I'm 22 years old, and that term just feels so... high school-ish. I thought it was just the transition from once having a husband and then reverting back to bf, but apparently there are many adults that have the same struggle.

I should totally go back to school for sociology because stuff like this intrigues me to absolutely no end.

And good ole USA Today for supplying me with my daily dose of knowledge <3

Oh, and I totally think that this can apply to people who are in their lower mid 20's too; not just 25 and up.

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:: 2008 29 July :: 10.18 am

Coast Guard festival on Saturday, and I'm reaaaaaaaaaly excited! Fireworks are love. Winning stuffed animals is love. Rides are love. Sayche is loveeee <3333 I have a feeling that it will be a really good weekend =]!

My schedule was revised since I took sole control over the cash dispenser machines which basically means that I fill them every Thursday morning, and I'm the only person in the branch that has the full code for them, AND I have teh keyz =] SO I no longer have to close on Thursday or Friday this week, and hopefully I'll be able to get out 45 minutes early on Friday since Becky and I ended up staying 45 minutes late last night to audit the TCD machines. *crosses fingers* I was at work for nearly 11 hours yesterday =[ That makes me sad hah.

I'm going to attempt to make BBQ chicken tonight... in the oven. So, we'll see how that whole thing turns out lol. I've never made BBQ chicken before =x I just hope the chicken is still good =\ It's been sitting in the freezer for awhile just wrapped in two plastic bags, so Idk if it's been wrapped well enough to prevent freezer burn.

Damn. I need to go to Best Buy today too. I think I'll wait til Pj gets home though, and maybe he'll want to go with me =]

kk, I need to shower and clean around here to keep myself busy. =]

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:: 2008 28 July :: 8.19 am

Aaaaand I just broke my hair dryer =|

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:: 2008 28 July :: 7.00 am

It was a pretty good weekend, but I'm starting to feel burnt out, like I just need a minute to breathe.

Woke up this morning with a killer sinus headache before my alarm went off, no less, and I feel completely sleep deprived. I'm pissed off that Becky, my manager, decided to give me sole control over the cash dispenser machines TODAY instead of making me stay late on a day where I'm NOT working 10 hours.

I don't like my manager at all. She may be new to the management position, but she's not new to the company, and she's sure as hell not new to the teller position. Everything about her irritates the hell out of me. I hate how she acts so timid and fragile, I hate the way she talks, and I really hate how she's incapable of using proper grammar when she speaks. The only time that I DO like her is when we're just fucking off and talking to whoever else is working. I would be more than happy to go out and stuff on Thursday nights with them, but I wouldn't be able to stand that much time with Becky; I would probably try to kill her. Or myself.

I'm pretty crabby, obviously. For now I'll just blame it on my pounding headache that drugs didn't help with at all, and the fact that I'm ridiculously tired.

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:: 2008 26 July :: 7.35 am

half day.... and sayche time FOR THE REST OF THE WEEKEND. i love it. LOVE IT. =] that alone makes me excited to go to work =]


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:: 2008 25 July :: 7.19 am

I'm not in a good mood today, and I'm feeling pretty fucking irritated about going into work and just standing around doing nothing for 10 hours because we're slow as fuck.

Shooting range tonight though, so hopefully that will be fun although I'm pretty certain I'm going to be tired as fuck since I didn't sleep much last night, and I have to get up early tomorrow too for work =[ Gay, imo.

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:: 2008 23 July :: 9.17 am

Sig 226

That will be my baby, and I'm ridiculously excited to get her! I got shot in the face at the Ohio op which pissed me off, so it was suggested that I carry a sidearm with me in case someone decides to get cocky. It's SO comfortable to hold! Pj and I went to MC as well, and I got to hold a real one =D If I ever have $800 laying around, I'm definitely going to be picking me up a real steel Sig 226.

Yum, imo =]

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:: 2008 22 July :: 12.42 pm

Don't feel like you have to read this.
I feel a bit of drama coming on, and I'm not at all looking forward to it.

I was good friends with a girl in high school, and in my darker days I decided that I was going to seduce her boyfriend and get him to sleep with me because I thought she was being a fucking cunt, and I just wanted to get back at her for it. I'm not proud, and this was when I was 18, so obviously it's been a few years. I'm pretty sure she knows what happened even though we've never actually talked about it. None of them talk to me anymore.

Well, apparently she got in touch with Missy who I just recently reunited with. After 5 years of bullshit, we finally got past things that happened at the end of high school, and we hung out and caught up like we never missed a beat. Sooo now Amanda wants to be friends with her, they talked on the phone, friended on facebook, and all that stuff.

I don't even know what to think. I just feel like I was stabbed in the fucking chest. I don't even know why I feel this way because it's completely unjustified. I fucked up when I was a kid, and I did things that I could quite possibly regret. Is it even worth it to feel like this? I don't deserve her friendship, but I feel like I deserve the chance to be heard out. Maybe I don't because I crossed one of those lines and broke one of the unwritten rules of friendship. I'm different now though, COMPLETELY different, and I've grown up a lot. I guess that's why I feel this is all justified. I hate that I give people second, third, twentieth chances, and when I want a second one, I don't get jack fucking shit.

So here I am for the who knows how many times wanting to try to reach out again. Try to explain myself and salvage whatever is left of what we had. I know it will probably end in heartache like it has every time before, but I can't seem to let go of everything. I can't just erase some of the best times and memories of my life, and no matter how hard I try to forget, I get slapped in the face with everything over and over again. Rolling with the same circle of friends always brings them around, and I hear about them whether I want to or not.


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:: 2008 21 July :: 8.58 am

Ohio was a blast, and I took tons of pictures of the boys which was supposed to quench my photography thirst, but instead made it grow tremendously. It was hot as FUCK, the airsoft field sucked ass, but hanging out with the boys made it all worth it =]

Me, Pj, and Kel went to see Dark Knight last night after we were showered from the weekend. Amazing. That's all there is to say. OH and that Heath Ledger better damn well get an Oscar for his performance because it was flawless. I think that would only make it the 2nd time [if he gets one] that an Oscar was awarded after death.

And now it's Monday again. I'm still exhausted from the weekend, and my arms are a bit sore from sun burn so it'll be a long day, I think.

Edit: Trip to Young's is probably going to be in order this week so I can get a sidearm =D

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:: 2008 16 July :: 9.27 am
:: Music: Cartel -- Wonderwall [Oasis cover]

Short day today = YAYsauce.

Work til 4.
Post office.
Oil change.
Sayche timeeee.

So much love for msh =] <4

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:: 2008 15 July :: 10.19 am

Slayer just jumped up on my lap, turned to face me, wrapped his paws around my neck and kissed my face.

It was the cutest thing ever. I love my kitty =]

Oh, and I'm feeling ridiculously sappy/cutesy today. It's rather exciting because I totally just stepped out of my comfort zone and did something that I haven't done in a good 5 years. =]] I just hope the mood lasts until I get home.


Oh and btw, it's blue bra Tuesday. So go put one on with a white shirt over the top, and go do the Cha Cha Slide on the sidewalk with your best friends. =]

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:: 2008 14 July :: 8.19 am

It was a really great weekend.

I love you =]

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:: 2008 11 July :: 7.19 am

Sweet! 82 degrees tomorrow with a 60% chance of storms that could possibly be severe. I'm going to be SO excited to float down a river if storms hit. Nothin like being in a huge body of water with lightning raining from the sky =] I hope I don't get electrocuted!!


/end sarcasm.

Today can lick some goat balls, imo =] 10 hour day for the LOSE, buttttt if storms hit like the sky looks like they will, it'll make for a relaxing and humble day which is always exciting. I'm going to blow my fucking manager out of the water at our meeting this morning because I've been stalking our campaign numbers. Not gonna lie, I pretty much love being right all the time being a show off =]

Anywayyyy. Work work work, lunch, work work, home, pack, shopping, food, Cedar Springs, Pj's mommmmmm, Wii? SLEEP. sleep sleep, rafting, storms, liquor, electrocution, home.

iiiiiiiilmshsfm! inef. aikwlyfwighfw =] KTHXBAI.

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:: 2008 10 July :: 11.09 am


Don't go changing, to try and please me,
You never let me down before,
Don't imagine, you're too familiar,
And I don't see you anymore.

I would not leave you, in times of trouble,
We never could have come this far,
I took the good times, I'll take the bad times,
I'll take you just the way you are.

Don't go trying, some new fashion,
Don't change the colour of your hair,
You always have my, unspoken passion,
Although I might not seem to care.

I don't want clever, conversation,
I never want to work that hard,
I just want someone, that I can talk to,
I want you just the way you are.

I need to know that you will always be
The same old someone that I knew,
What will it take till you believe in me,
The way that I believe in you?

I said I love you, and that's forever,
And this I promise from the heart,
I couldn't love you, any better,
I love you just the way you are.

I don't want clever, conversation,
I never want to work that hard,
I just want someone, that I can talk to,
I want you just the way you are.

pull the pin

:: 2008 8 July :: 11.16 am

Oh! I almost forgot =]

I'm FINALLY selling my rings and my necklace tomorrow. Hopefully I'll get enough money so that I can get a new video card and a power supply. My PC is pretty much jacked for gaming, and it's extremely frustrating that I can't play CoD =[

I should also be getting my half of the stimulus check on Thursday or Friday which means that Shawn will be paying the lawyer sometime this week which means that I'll FINALLY get divorce papers, so this can be fucking over. I'm also hoping I can just do court via phone because I don't want to drive 7 hours just to go to court for like a half hour. That's a waste of time and gas, and I'm not going to do it. I need to start preparing my case for requesting alimony too. Hopefully I'll get it too.. that will help me out tremendously with bills and such. I'm pretty excited for all of this to just be over. Then I can finally get my new drivers license, plates, switch the title of my car, and all that good stuff. And I'll be able to have my maiden name back which makes me even happier <3

K I'm done now. Yay for good mood, maybe? Andddd yay for storms again today!!! I'm actually visibly excited about these unlike yesterday.

Btw, Stephen King is WIN. And Pet Semetary is supposed to be his scariest novel =D I'm glad I finally got my bookssss <3333

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:: 2008 8 July :: 9.59 am

So this weekend we went swimming, and I randomly busted out with how I was really excited for Christmas which shocked myself probably more than it shocked the boys. I figured it was just some float away thought bubble that prematurely popped, but here I am again, thinking about fucking Christmas.

Idk if it's because I'm spending it with my mom and pops orrr if it's because I get to be with Pj and Kelly for the holiday season. I REALLY want to get a tree, but we won't have any room for one which is incredibly sad. I'm already thinking about how we can rearrange things so we can fit a small one or where I can put stockings up.

Fucking pathetic? I think so, kids. I think so.

Yesterday sucked fucking dick. I was by myself at work for the majority of it which was kind of a disaster, and balancing my cashbox was even worse. The power went out the last time that I worked, so I had to balance manually, and I'm pretty sure that something got fucked up between then and now. I'm less than excited to go into work today, because I know that Becky is going to be all over me talking about it and trying to figure out what happened, and I just don't want to fucking deal with it right now. I came home, didn't say a word to anyone, and went right into the shower to cry. It was less than exciting. I finally fell asleep around 1030 [I was ready to fucking sleep once 8pm hit =\ ] once I stopped being ridiculous about things that REALLY didn't matter [yes, I realize I was upset which makes it matter in itself, but when I get like that, I overreact about EVERYTHING which is why it really wasn't important].


Okay it was important. And if I just would have fucking said it without worrying about sounding ridiculous then I probably would have had a good night to end my horrible day. When have you ever thought that I sounded ridiculous when I was upset? Oh yea, that's right. Never.

Alright, I need to get ready for what could potentially be another horrible day at work. I'm glad that I have tomorrow off. REALLY glad. I'm probably going to drown myself in the pool all day.

Maybe I'm amazed at the way you love me all the time
Maybe I'm afraid of the way I love you
Maybe I'm amazed at the way you pulled me out of time
and hung me on a line
Maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you

Maybe I'm a girl and maybe I'm a lonely girl
who's in the middle of something
that she doesn't really understand

Maybe I'm a girl and maybe you're the only man
who could ever help me
Baby, won't you help me understand

Maybe I'm amazed at the way you're with me all the time
Maybe I'm afraid of the way I lead you
Maybe I'm amazed at the way you help me sing my song
Right me when I'm wrong
Maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you

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:: 2008 7 July :: 7.07 am

I feel restless and unsettled.

Sigh. SH time sounds ridiculously good right now, and I want that more than anything =\

I'm praying today goes by fast so that I can be back home already. 10 hour days ftl =[

Edit: It's probably the isolated/scattered thunderstorms that is in the forecast for the entire day. It's pretty much the only time when I feel like I don't have control over things. Normally it's a very humbling feeling, but sometimes it just makes me feel really off my game like I don't have control over anything. It always makes me really quiet and slightly frustrated.

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:: 2008 5 July :: 11.16 pm

I lost my WoW virginity today. I feel kind of dirty, like I need to wash my hands, but I'll get over it.

Mainly I feel like weaksauce because I said I would never play it, but I finally gave in to the peer pressure and temptation that was supplied by Pj and Kelly.

We're getting a canary too. Soon. Hopefully after I get my half of the stimulus check. Which should be sometime this week if Shawn doesn't have his head up his ass.


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