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*This could be all I'm waiting for*

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:: 2008 22 May :: 8.55 am

3 hours of sleep for the lose.
My stomach hurt so bad last night, so I tossed and turned all night long. I didn't feel like I was going to be sick of anything, it just hurt. A lot.

I hate just about everything/everyone.
Especially her and everything about her. She makes me tweak when I'm already irritated and crabby.

Off to work.

I really think I might throw up.

6 butterfly nades | pull the pin


:: 2008 21 May :: 6.04 pm

New apartment.
New kitten.
New job. <=HAHAHAHAHA just kidding. I'm still at the same fuck off Best Buy.
I met Lizzy.
I have a home.
I'm pretty happy.
Kbai.

1 butterfly nade | pull the pin


:: 2008 15 May :: 9.46 am

Sigh.
So apparently I'm a piece of shit human being with no respect for animals.

I've been working on doing research so I could adopt a kitten since Marley was taken in, and the lady that I had emailed an adoption application to yesterday emailed me back today and told me that they couldn't let a person like me adopt a kitten because they are priceless to them [the organization], and they don't want them to be in a home where they are just taken in to the pound when they don't fit into the person's lifestyle anymore.

First of all, things with Marley were pretty much out of my control. I didn't have TIME to find an apartment or a job that would allow me to live on my own before I moved to Michigan. I had no where to go in Wausau, and living with my parents was NOT an option. Pj was nice enough to talk his Grandma into letting me stay with them until we move out, and I wasn't about to pass that offer up. Andrea was supposed to take care of Marley while I was gone like she said she would, and I didn't know that he was going to be treated like shit because I trusted her. Shawn moved him to his sister's, and I didn't know he was going to get sick. I didn't know that they would give me two weeks to get him, and even if I could, I didn't have the money to take him to the vet, so he would have fucking died anyway.

The other two cats I had needed to get taken in. One was Chassa's, and we both tried to find someone to take her, but no one would, so she knew that Kahlua would be taken in to the humane society. No one wanted Hazel either, and since Marley was my cat and my baby, AND we had him first, that is who we decided to keep when our landlord pitched a fit [after previously telling us that having the cats wouldn't be a problem]. The two females were taken in, and I was called when they were both adopted. The bitch who emailed me this morning told me that they were probably put down which was not true, because they were both listed on the humane society's website.

Sometimes in life there are circumstances that arise and sacrifices need to be made. Shawn and I didn't have the money to move into a place that allowed pets because of how much extra it was. I didn't have the fucking means to find an apartment in Michigan or the time to get a job lined up so I could actually afford to live in an apartment by myself. Seriously? I'm fucking offended. How DARE she judge me like that.

I realize that she needs to look out for the animals that they have, but for fuck's sake. If you're concerned about someone who wants to adopt then ask fucking questions; don't just assume.

Hopefully the place Pj and I went to yesterday will go better, although now I'm not so sure =[ If not, then I'm going to have to go to the humane society where I WON'T be telling them about the previous cats I had because apparently living to survive isn't an option.

I can't even begin to describe how horrible I feel right now. =[

Oh and by the way, my dad has Parkinson's. Fuck today.

6 butterfly nades | pull the pin


:: 2008 13 May :: 8.15 am

Here you go, Bill
It's not all sappy and romantic, but not necessarily full of emo either.

It's Tuesday, and I'm in a really bad fucking mood. I had to close last night, so I finally got home around quarter to 10 and then tossed and turned all.night.long. I can tell that the best sleep I got all night long was the half hour before Pj left for work and the 2 hours after he left. I'm fairly certain that is all the sleep that I got throughout the night.

I'm exhausted.
My muscles feel weak and shaky.
My eyes are heavy as fuck.
And I'm ready to stab every single person that tells me to fucking smile or asks me what's wrong.

It doesn't help that my hate for Best Buy has grown progressively and continues to grow with every step I take into that god-awful store. I'm on the border of not caring anymore. I can't even make it through an entire shift without getting the 'I don't give a fuck mood.'

And with that, I'm going to go throw a knife into my purse and commence the stabbage while I struggle to stay awake.

Yay for moving this weekend though. And for teh kitten!
gdi ily sfm sh <3

7 butterfly nades | pull the pin


:: 2008 12 May :: 2.33 pm

Oh, and by the way
You know you have an amazing boyfriend when he says "pay attention to this song," and it turns out to be Van Halen's You Really Got Me.

I fucking love this boy.
Kthx =D

4 butterfly nades | pull the pin


:: 2008 12 May :: 9.43 am

What a weekend
I wasn't expecting to get to Waukesha on Friday until close to 7pm, but Pj surprised me by walking through our bed room door a few minutes after 8am. Those mornings are always the best because I love getting to spend all day with him. Soo I got up, we finished packing, headed off for breakfast, the bank, and MC. We were on the road by 1030 and made it there around 3pm CST.

The first person to meet him was my dad. It went surprisingly well, and my dad really opened up about his family, talked a bit about Vietnam, and pretty much shocked the shit out of me in the process. They seemed to get along quite well which was pleasing.

After dinner, my dad decided to bring up Shawn, and I knew it wasn't going to end well. I ended up calling Shawn to inquire about the divorce papers, and I called because texting about the situation would take forever, and I didn't have that kind of time. I ended up getting really annoyed with him because his tone of voice on the phone was full of "I don't give a fuck," which doesn't fly with me especially when it comes to something as serious as divorce. He insulted me, called me stupid, and told me that I did things half assed because I miss counted something when adding up either our bills or our belongings. I hung up on him, and I cried. I cried a lot. I even ran downstairs away from my parents and Pj to do it because I wasn't exactly sure what else to do. Honestly, I was surprised that Pj didn't come after me, and a part of me thinks that my father told him not to. I wanted him to come after me, to hold me, hug me, kiss my forehead and tell me not to let him get to me, but I can't change that now.

When I finally went back upstairs and told my dad what happened, he kind of started laughing. For the first time in my 22 years of life, I was totally straight with him, and I told him off. I told him that I didn't appreciate him making fun of me, and I told him that he was pissing me off. It felt SO good to finally have to balls to say that to him. I know how my dad can be, but I was hoping that he would be a bit more kind since I was crying, and he knew I was upset. I guess that was asking for too much though.

ANYWAY. When we left, I was in a better mood, and laughter was the ending note. We headed over to Chassa's, and it was pretty much the greatest night everrrr. I was pretty fucking trashed lol. I drunk dialed Kelly for no real reason except that I wanted to drunk dial someone, and I thought he would still be up. Pj was ridiculously amazing, and everyone LOVED him. He was social, he never got crabby, or at least not outwardly where people could see it, and he didn't make me feel like I was immature for getting trashed with my best friend. He drove me home, and the drive I don't really remember, and when we got back and got settled into bed, I cried. I cried and I poured my whole heart out to him which still feels really really good.

Since then, it feels like things have changed for the better. I'm not implying that things were ever NOT good, but sometimes when you have heart to hearts, things can become clear, and you just have an all around better understanding. I told him things that I never thought I would, and at the end of it all, I told him that I loved him so much, and he wrapped his arms around me and told me that he promised he loved me just as much as I loved him; I knew it was true. I can't even count the number of times that I heard him tell me he loves me, and it is the greatest feeling in the entire world. I am so happy.

On Saturday I decided that I wanted to kill my father. He played the embarrassment card to the max. I, again, stood up to him and told him to stop. I wanted to make sure he knew that he was pissing me off, and it wasn't to come across as a sassy little brat, it was so that he knew that I was getting pissed. It seemed to have work temporarily, and when he started it up again, I got pissed. Again.

We ended up going through an old photo album because I didn't believe that I had curly hair as a kid, and I still don't think of it as "curly." It was wavy. I was such a cute kid though haha =] I was either still drunk or slightly hung over, and I felt wrecked in the morning, so we ended up going back to bed around 11, and didn't get up until nearly 2pm. The nap was much needed and felt fucking amazing. There are days when I'm certain I could spend all day wrapped up in his arms, and Saturday was definitely one of them.

After teh nap, we did a little bit of shopping to get stuff for our new apartment [YAY!!!!!!!!!], came back for dinner, and then headed off to see Missy. Missy, whom I haven't seen in 4 years. I almost died. When she walked out of her door, her eyes were all red, and I knew she was going to cry which immediately made me cry. After everything that we've been through, she didn't hesitate to wrap her arms around me and hug me. It was the best feeling ever, and it was so good to spend time with her.

We went to Gander Mountain so that Pj could look for a case for his P90, and he ended up getting a tact light since they had jack shit for cases. Aaand after that, we headed back to Missy's to play Life. We played Life. How random is that? It was a ton of fun though, and it felt like we didn't miss a beat between then and high school. I have missed her so much, and I can't wait to see her again.

Sunday Dad cooked breakfast for Mom and us since it was Mother's Day. It was nice, and after breakfast I guess my parents got into it. Dad went and moped in his room, and we left around 10am because of it.

All in all it was a pretty good weekend, and I'm pleased with how it went. I'm glad that my Dad was comfortable enough to open up to Pj; that's HUGE. I wish that he would have been a little more tasteful, but whatever, I guess. Hopefully it's out of his system now, and next time we go visit he can just be normal. I'm pretty sure my mom liked him too which I'm also happy about =] And my friends loved him. So yay. Yay for a good weekend, but boo for being back to real life =[

ilmshsfm =D <3

13 butterfly nades | pull the pin


:: 2008 8 May :: 8.25 pm

This is for you. For us.


We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?



Do you have any idea how amazing you are and how much I love you?
I feel like my whole relationship with you thus far has been compiled of "moments."
Moments when I smile that infamous douche bag smile because once again, you surprise me with how well you read me and how well you know my mannerisms.
Moments when I look over at you and smile inwardly because of how ridiculously lucky I am, wondering how I manage to hold your heart[s] in the palms of my hands day after day.

The real moments come at the best time of the day, and I know you know when that is. The contentment, the security, the memorable laughter all rolled up into a mind blowing 30 minutes that make me fall asleep every night and wake up every morning with a soft smile.
That's the kicker; that's when I know that I'm in this for keeps.

For the first time in my life.. "perfect" feels good, and I'm not trying to taint it.





Waukesha/Chassa tomorrow!!!!! I can't wait. Pj was kind enough to tease me and say "24 hours," which he was apparently waiting to say to me all day long. Ridiculously sweet, imo.

I am falling more and more in love with photography each and every day, and to indulge myself in even more knowledge and camera-y goodness, I am going to be training in digital imaging at Best Buy. Hopefully that will become my new home since operations is full of douche.

Anddd TWL match, so. Good night =]

7 butterfly nades | pull the pin


:: 2008 6 May :: 3.09 pm

Photography ftw?
Wow, so. I've pretty much been officially announced as the team photographer for FMF, which is really exciting. I'm trying to get with Doc to see if we can work something out as far as MOA helping me upgrade my camera, and he already said that they would sponsor me and my work on the MOA website as well as on FMF's page. That's really REALLY exciting, and I never really thought that I would be in a place like this before. I also told Doc that I would be more than happy to sign some sort of waiver or a contract stating that whatever pictures/video I take belongs to MOA and/or FMF. If they are willing to work with me on this, then I'm more than willing to be flexible to make things happen.

If I'm going to be a part of a serious airsoft team, then I want to be a serious photographer; no fucking around. I want people to look at these pictures and think "wow, FMF has amazing pictures" or "wow they have a really great photographer." I can only do so much with the camera that I have now, and a higher end point and shoot will do wonders. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I'll be able to get SOME kind of help, but even if I can't, the advertisement will be fantastic =]

Travis would be proud, and I can't wait to tell him.

Work again tonight 4-close.. hopefully I'll be done a few minutes after 9 *crosses fingers* <= I do that a lot. Kelly was a doll and came to visit me last night, AND brought Subway which was amazing. It was a nice break, and I very much enjoyed getting to spend it with someone I actually KNOW. I feel like I had a pretty productive night as well =] It was FUN. Becky was working, and she's really the only out going person on Ops leadership, so I actually had FUN at work for the first time since I started at this store. I know tonight won't be a repeat, but at least I only work for 5 hours instead of 7.

Speaking of, I'm off.

Waukesha in 3 days =]

2 butterfly nades | pull the pin


:: 2008 5 May :: 11.21 am

It's going to be a really long day/evening/night.
I feel like I could go back to bed and sleep for days, and my head is pounding.

At least I get to work 2-9 at the most amazing Best Buy in the whole entire world. =|

Company would be appreciated *coughKellyuncough*

1 butterfly nade | pull the pin


:: 2008 1 May :: 12.02 pm
:: Music: McFly

You have me hypnotized
I think tonight might be a good night. I'm in such a mellow mood, and all I want to listen to is Coldplay which is completely random.

I worked with a girl the other day who read a book between customers, and I think that I'm going to steal her idea. The reason why my shifts drag on forever and put me in such a bad mood is because I get so.damn.bored. Hopefully this will help some *crosses fingers*

I only have to make it through the next 9.5-ish hours before I can drown myself in my happy place and wake up to a [hopefully] awesome weekend.

Disclaimer: I only say "hopefully" because usually if I get my hopes up too high things usually suck. However, doing dinner and a movie with my boyfriend, one of my bests, and meeting new people PLUS spending Saturday afternoon/night with Pj's amazing mom usually equals great movie and great sleep, aaand Sunday is airsoft which always a joy in itself =]




You know what I love the most about Michigan?
It's home. This is my home, and it feels so good.
I love it here.

5 butterfly nades | pull the pin


:: 2008 30 April :: 8.45 pm

I have the best friend in the whole entire world, and holy fuck, I cannot WAIT to see her! 7 more days, btw. =]]]

Thank GOD for having a fantastic boyfriend who isn't opposed to actually meeting my friends and family.

I love them both =D
<3

2 butterfly nades | pull the pin


:: 2008 30 April :: 12.54 pm

Yay! =]
Alright.

Interview with Chase? It was amazing. I laughed, they laughed, and to me, if someone makes me laugh, they are more inclined to stick out in my mind. I hope that holds true for them as well. The guy that I interviewed with said that I won't hear back from them until around the 12th or 13th because he has more interviews this week, and he is on vacation all next week. I was their first interview too, so I hope that I stick out even more. *love*!

After the interview, I went down the street a bit further and applied at another bank that is hiring. They send their apps to corporate, so I probably won't hear back from them for at least a week. And then I ventured out to 28th St. all by myself =D I was looking for the nice Meijers that Pj has taken me to, but I didn't want to go too far outside of my comfort zone, so I ended up at the scary one that I will never ever go to again =x I thought that I was going to get mugged or something. Not so fun, imo. I had to get a new purse, and although it's not Coach, LV, or Fossil, it will do until I can sell my kidneys for the kind of money I need to buy one of the above designers. And of course I couldn't resist walking past the flip flops and not buying a pair, or getting a bottle of mouthwash, because I'm pretty certain that I'm addicted to oral hygiene.

Yesterday was amazing. Pj and I went to Grand Rapids so I could drop off my app at MC Sports, and so we could go to Best Buy. It was brought to my attention that I am a REALLY bad liar, and if something is wrong, Pj picks up on it. Damn him, imo =] Anywayyyy. When I felt like I could talk about it without crying, I did and things... were great. It sparked a pretty great conversation all around, and I ended up opening up a little bit about my past which felt somewhat relieving for a reason unbeknown to me. I thought that it was going to be awkward, and I felt a little uncomfortable talking about it like normal, but it wasn't as bad as it has been in the past. It made me think of Mr. Ricciardi who was my mentor and my rock throughout high school, and Pj actually encouraged me to email him because someone who plays such a significant part of my life isn't someone to lose touch with. I agreed, and sent the email last night. I'm nervously and anxiously awaiting a reply now. He, Pj that is, also expressed a strong interest in meeting Mr. Ricciardi which is HUGE, and it almost feels like a bigger deal than him looking forward to meeting my parents which is pretty huge in itself. He had said something along the lines of how he can't wait to shower them with good first impressions. I love him for that, and I have a feeling that my mom is going to adore him =] I hope my dad likes him too. Despite everything, I am, hands down, a daddy's girl. God, and Pj was right. That's probably why I'm so head over heels for him; he and my dad have a lot of similarities.. the positive ones, anyway lol. I didn't like the idea of him saying he was like my dad, but then I remembered that who my dad is now is so different than who he was back then, and being like my dad now isn't a bad thing; it's actually a really great thing. Things feel real, and I no longer have that feeling "if things are too good to be true then they probably are."

Only 8 more days to go through, and I can't wait =]]

pull the pin


:: 2008 29 April :: 5.00 pm

Yay Chase!
Chase called me first thing after they opened. I spent the morning playing phone tag with Bob, and finally I heard back from him, and 10am tomorrow was decided for my interview. He seems SO nice, and I'm really excited to meet him tomorrow!! My hopes for this job are soaring like you couldn't possibly believe. I've actually been wanting to work in a bank for a long time now, so this is very very exciting.

My app for MC is complete, and Pj, being the sweetheart that he is, is going to drop it off for me tomorrow since he'll be right there for work and all =]

I'm shrugging off the wretched day that I had because I'm still REALLY happy about Chase/last night/coming home from work. And because I'm SO excited about Friday <333 It feels like it's been forever since I had a Friday and Saturday off, andddd we have some pretty awesome plans laid out for the evening. Dinner at this AMAZING [that doesn't even scratch the surface of awesomeness] restaurant, and whatever else we do to waste time before Ironman. Plus I get to meet Andy and Brittany [maybe Jessi], and of course spend time with Kelly which is always a joy in itself haha.

*happygasm*kbai.


Oh, and Rachel, I'm supposed to show this to you:


L.OH.FUCKING.L.

2 butterfly nades | pull the pin


:: 2008 29 April :: 8.18 am

Zomg HAPPY!11!1!!!!oneoneone
Oh man, I actually have GOOD news!! Who ever thought that this could be possible? Haha I'm sure it will be a nice change of pace from all of the emo-ness that has been going on in here.

Sooooooo first things first. I gave up on having hope for Old Navy. It's been about 2 weeks, he hasn't contacted any of my references, sooo I'm done waiting around and hoping he'll call. BUT I did get a call yesterday from Chase, literally 2 hours after I submitted an app online. I spoke with the corporate HR woman, and she asked me a couple of questions, outlined what hours would need to be worked, and asked me if there were any days that didn't work for me, and she asked me if $9.25/hr would be acceptable to which I replied OMG YES because that's a ridiculous amount of money to be offered starting. She said that she was going to forward my app to the branch manager and assistant manager, and they should *hopefully* be calling in the next day or two to set up an interview. I'm MUCH more hopeful about this job because customer service/cash handling is what I do, and I have tons of experience doing it vs something in management. I'm pretty excited about saying good bye to Best Buy. Fuckers =]

I'm also applying at MC Sports, the store, not the warehouse, as a cashier, and they would just be dumb to not hire me because of all the experience I have.

That's my good news. So HA.

10 more days until I get to see Chassa which is full of SO much yay!

TWL match tonight on one of my most hated maps, also full of yay. It's worth it just to play with {DS} because I'm quickly growing to love them, and I'm starting to talk more which I'm sure is a welcoming change.

I still have the most amazing boyfriend in the entire world, and it's been decided amongst me and my two wonderful girls that us 3 are the luckiest/most amazing girls in the world. We're starting a club with jackets and decoder rings =P

I normally cringe at the word perfection or perfect, but when he said it, I melted into a fucking puddle of happy all over the damn floor. Actually it was more like the butterfly nade splattered me against all the walls in an explosion of happy. EITHER WAY. HAPPY. So so SO happy. Oh, and apparently I steal hearts. Yes, plural. =D I love it. I love him. I love us. Love love love love loveeeeeeeeeeee *glee*

I'm done now, I promise. This is disgustingly full of happy, love, sap, and bliss, and I'm pretty content with that =D

Once more for good measure: Happy birthday, Rach!!

3 butterfly nades | pull the pin


:: 2008 29 April :: 7.31 am

Oh yay =]
Happy Birthday, Rachel!!!!!!
I <3 you!

2 butterfly nades | pull the pin


:: 2008 27 April :: 7.25 pm

Oh and by the way
12 days and counting until I can see my best friend in the wholeeeeeeee world, and my awesome parents =D

I should stick post it notes all over with that because remembering that I get to see Chassa in less than two weeks makes me INCREDIBLY happy and giddy =D

Btw, I do have the most amazing boyfriend in the whole entire world. He is, without a doubt, 110% WIN. And allllll mine =]] <333

9 butterfly nades | pull the pin


:: 2008 27 April :: 6.02 pm

Fuck Best Buy.
I hate my job.

Best Buy #464? You can go ahead and suck a fucking dick. Thanks for the whole 2 days a week you give me to work. FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC.

Best Buy #406? You can go ahead and suck a fucking dick as well since I'm not worth the time to get back to regarding a transfer.

Best Buy #399? You guys were the best, and I miss you =[

I hate this store so damn much that I don't even want to go into work for the two days that I'm scheduled because it's pointless. I go in, I sit on a fucking register for however many hours wanting to slit my wrists because I'm so ridiculously bored and because the leadership staff is so ridiculously fucked up, and then I come home, and I'm either in a GREAT mood because I'm finally done with the worst job ever, or I'm in a horrible mood because my day was that bad.

And yay for making me work 2-close during the week so that by the time I get home, Pj is already sleeping which means that all I get to look forward to is the kiss on the head when he leaves, and snuggling up to him when I go to bed.

I feel like the biggest piece of shit ever because here I am crying about how much I hate my job when there are other people who have it a lot worse than I do. Sorry for being an ungrateful bitch.

I hate when I get overtired and unbelievable irritable.
Time to go so I can keep the tears at bay.

2 butterfly nades | pull the pin


:: 2008 25 April :: 9.10 am
:: Music: Michelle Branch -- You Get Me

Begging for a good day.
When I called my Dad last night regarding the cancer, he didn't tell me that everything was going to be alright. To be honest, the first thing he said to me was "say good bye." I'm not an anatomy major by all means, nor do I know the first thing about how cancer or other disease spread throughout the body. From what he said, the lymph nodes are a highway for cancer, and once it gets to that point, it's extremely difficult to stop the spread.

Of course, I cried.

After some amazing advice, I sent Chassa a text and told her that I went through it with my dad, and there was nothing I could say to make this better, but she was my sister, I love her, and I would be here if she needed or wanted to talk. It's all I can do, and I hope that's enough like everyone says it is.

I was cheered up and back to my regular self before bed with much thanks to my amazing boyfriend who never hesitates to wrap his arms around me and hold me while I'm crying, and to {DS} for just being ridiculously fun altogether. Best clan in the world, imo =]

2/3 day airsoft weekend effective this afternoon/evening. It looks like it's going to rain, so mother nature? You better knock that shit off!! There's nothing worse than "camping" while it's raining or wet. I'm not the biggest out door person in the world, and mud added into the mix just makes everything a million times worse. I'm trying not to think about being outside of my comfort zone, because I know that I'm probably going to have a lot more fun than I think I will right now. Breakfast is pretty win, and I'm going to call in sick to work since they're incapable of paying attention to what days I request off, aaand see if I can get my front speakers installed at the awesomest Best Buy in Grand Rapids.

Happy day, please? No more bad news =[

6 butterfly nades | pull the pin


:: 2008 24 April :: 7.45 pm

I miss my friend.
So.. my best friend's mom had has breast cancer. She went in for a mastectomy last week, and she's been at home for nearly a week now recovering. When she got home from the hospital, Chassa, the best friend, told me that they were supposed to tell her 3 days after her surgery if the cancer had spread, but they didn't say anything. They started beating around the bush, saying that they needed to set up appointments and all the other bullshit that they do when there's bad news, but they just won't come out and say it for whatever reason.

I knew at that moment that the cancer had spread to her lymph nodes [that's what they did a biopsy on to see if it had spread], but I said what I could to be optimistic for Chassa. I was afraid for the first time in my friendship with her to be perfectly honest about what I thought.

She sent me a text a little while ago informing me that the cancer had in fact spread. Her operation is scheduled for May 7th which is 2 days before Pj and I are driving into Waukesha to see her. I have been spending the last 45 minutes or so wondering what to say or what to do because I'm clueless. I tried thinking of everything I heard when my dad had cancer, and I tried thinking of everything I wanted to hear, but that part of my life is completely blocked out. I don't remember feeling any kind of emotion. All I want to do is be there with her and drink, because I know that's what she wants, and I know that's what she would do with me if our roles were reversed. She's not an alcoholic by any means, but it's a release, and it makes the pain go away if only for a little while.

I am 5 hours away from my best friend, and I don't know what to do, and I don't know what to say to comfort her. I feel helpless.

I'm not a very religious person, but I pray to God that her mom makes it through this. I don't know how serious it all is because her mom didn't want to talk about it, and Chassa wasn't the one that talked to the doctor. I just hope that she makes it through.

I tried cleaning out Lucy [my car] to get my mind off things, and I failed miserably. I think I might call my dad though. Despite everything that him and I have been through, I feel like he's my best friend which is weird. I should hate him. I should want him to be rotting in prison. I should want him dead. I don't. I just want him to hug me, call me Tink, and let me know that everything is going to be okay.

Everything is always okay when he says it is.

2 butterfly nades | pull the pin


:: 2008 23 April :: 8.09 pm
:: Mood: Alive =]

Inspiration leads to profoundness.
I feel so profound tonight.

I just wrote the most beautiful thing in the world that I'm scared out of my mind to show anyone except for a few people. It made me realize how alive I feel.

And I apologized to my friend because I may have gotten a little too rough.
When I get like that it's because I care; I won't get upset if I don't care.

[08:06] IcieSnowflake: our talk earlier inspired me and made me think of everything that has been scratching the surface
[08:06] *** Auto-response from ***:
exhausted.
around, holler.
[08:06] IcieSnowflake: im sorry for getting snappy with you
[08:06] IcieSnowflake: but i want to see you happy, and i want to see you settled and in love and being treated the way that you deserve
[08:07] IcieSnowflake: i hate seeing you so down on yourself with the i cant do it mind set, because i KNOW you can
[08:07] IcieSnowflake: i felt that way once too, and look at me
[08:07] IcieSnowflake: look at how ive changed, matured, and grew
[08:07] IcieSnowflake: i never thought i would see myself like this
[08:07] IcieSnowflake: im hard on you and im tough because i love you and because i want to see you get out of this the way that i did
[08:07] IcieSnowflake: i want to see you succeed in all that you do
[08:08] IcieSnowflake: i want to see you learn from your mistakes and strengthen yourself from your failures
[08:08] IcieSnowflake: i want to give you happiness, but i cant. its something you need to acquire on your own
[08:08] IcieSnowflake: but i love you, and im always here for you, and im not going to tell you what you want to hear
[08:08] IcieSnowflake: you may not like it, but i wouldnt do it if i didnt love you
[08:08] IcieSnowflake: so keep your god damn head up, you hear me?
[08:08] IcieSnowflake: keep it up.
[08:09] IcieSnowflake: <3
[08:09] IcieSnowflake: youre beautiful. you have a beautiful soul. wounded, but beautiful
[08:09] IcieSnowflake: dont lose sight of that. not now. not ever.
[08:09] IcieSnowflake: you dont believe it now, but you will in time. you will believe it in time.

She's nothing short of amazing, and although at times she makes me want to stab slay her, I just want her to find happiness and peace with herself. Once she achieves that, the rest is a lot easier.



Completely unrelated, but I asked Chassa, my best friend sister, if she would be my maid of honor when that time comes around again, and she accepted. It's quite a ways off, I know, but she deserves that spot, and I wanted her to know that. I cannot wait to see her and to call her a bitch because she fucked me too many times during Fuck the Dealer, and I really can't wait to hear her call me Christina Aguilera like old times =]

What the FUCK is with my mood tonight.
I'm going lol.

2 butterfly nades | pull the pin


:: 2008 23 April :: 12.26 pm
:: Music: Michelle Branch -- Where Are You Now?

Bearer of bad news.
Yesterday was really not such a great day, and now that I'm not purely reacting from emotion, I'm feeling a lot more put together about everything.

Everything always happens for a reason.

My cat, Marley, had to stay in Wausau because I couldn't bring him to Michigan right away. He's been staying with Shawn's sister for about 2 weeks, and Shawn contacted me last night and told me that I had 2 weeks to pick Marley up or he was going to be taken to the pound. I guess he's been getting pretty sick, losing his fur, and not walking so well because he's really tender around his joints. I broke down and cried as soon as Shawn said the words "Marley's sick." He's been my baby for the last 2.5 years, and basically my everything. I gave away the two other cats that we had because they didn't get along with Marley, and that damn cat was pretty much me in feline form. He's moody, sassy, and does things on his time and no one else's. He was definitely my cat though, and really wouldn't lay with anyone else but me. *sigh* I've missed my little buddy since the day that I left him. But anyway. After my heart shattered to pieces, I told Shawn to just take him to the pound. I don't have the money to take him to the vet, I don't have any where to keep him, and the last thing that I want to do is move him to yet another new house with new people or new animals. The stress could make him severely worse or even kill him.

People seem to mostly talk about heart break after they break up with a boyfriend or girlfriend or get a divorce, but my heart has never felt broken until now. It's extremely difficult to keep my composure and to keep my head straight. He's like my kid, and all I want to do is hold him, pet him [no, I wouldn't pet my kids.], and comfort him. And what I want more than anything is to at least say good bye. My dad told me last night that while he may be put down, no one can ever take my memories of him. It's true, but I would rather just have him, ya know?


I'm not sure I'll ever be able to find a cat as handsome as him =]


On a semi optimistic note, I told Pj yesterday that when we finally get into our apartment I'm going to get a kitten. He was totally fine with it, and when I mentioned it to Kelly and Rach, they didn't have a problem with it either. It's something to look forward to. Hopefully I'll hear back from Old Navy soonish about a 2nd interview. When I talked to Becky yesterday, she still hadn't heard anything.

Aaaand even more depressing news! I called my dad last night to tell him about Marley, and he had some not so good news himself. I guess my mom spent the night in the hospital the night before last. Someone at work found her slumped over her desk unable to talk or move. This happened over Labor Day weekend as well, and from what I understand, they have determined that these little episodes are mini strokes. She's had MS for the last 14 years, and things are starting to get pretty bad, or maybe I just think it's bad because after 14 years, I finally grew accustomed to what she was going through. This is a whole new playing field though, and now I'm just scared. They ran some tests, did an MRI and an EEG, and she's supposed to be meeting with her primary MS doctor to go over the results. I think that 2 weeks is an awful long time to wait to go over the results of what could be mini strokes. Those are a pretty big deal, imo, and I wish that they would be acting a little more swiftly.

My mom and I don't always see eye to eye, but she's my mom and I love her. I'm horrified that she could get these mini strokes while she's driving and get into an accident. We've already been in one bad accident together that neither of us should have survived. What if she's not so lucky this time?? I don't know what I would do if I lost her, and I don't know if I could handle losing her. I know that MS isn't a deadly disease, but I know that it will kill her. She's not as strong as she was at first, and with all of these new symptoms *shakes head* I just don't know. It kills me. I just want this all to go away, and I want her to be okay again.

It gets harder and harder to be as strong as I feel think I need to be. I wanted to just break down and bawl and just be held, but I refrained because I didn't want to be a burden or a bother. I know that I probably never would be viewed as such, especially by Pj, but crying shows weakness and vulnerability which usually leads to getting hurt even worse.

Oh fuck.

This is exactly what I'm supposed to be changing. Trusting myself and Pj. Trusting what we have together, and not holding him at arms length because I'm afraid. Not being afraid to feel emotional distress and pain. When he came to comfort me, I should have wrapped my arms around him and just cried instead of trying to fight back the tears and toughen up.

I'm sorry.

The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem.
Admitting you have a problem requires recognizing the problem.
I'm beginning to recognize the problem.
Good start, I think.
Now I just have to figure out how to fix it.

Not gonna lie, that Long Island iced tea is sounding better and better.

4 butterfly nades | pull the pin


:: 2008 21 April :: 12.32 pm
:: Mood: restless
:: Music: Michelle Branch -- You Set Me Free

I really love the Eagles, not gonna lie.
Mitch from Old Navy called. After completely over analyzing every detail, like the typical left brained girl that I am, I've thought of a couple of different scenarios.

His reason for calling was that he wanted to make sure I did the online app because he didn't see it. I tried going to their site again, and it wouldn't let me apply for anything because I already have in the last 90 days. I called him back and reminded him that I'm legally Amanda, which is the name that my online app is under, in case he was searching for Mandie instead. Here's what I've come up with thus far:

Scenario #1:
My references checked out as well as whomever else he was calling, so he wanted to make sure I did the online app so we can get a second interview set up.
I talked to Becky, and Old Navy hasn't contacted her yet, so this theory is out.

Scenario #2:
He hasn't [had time to] call my references and whomever else, and now that he finally has the time, he's checking to make sure I did the online app before making any calls.

He DID tell me that his Friday was pretty hectic when I originally asked if that would work best for our initial interview, so I guess I really can't expect him to put me on the top of his list when he probably has plenty of other applicants in addition to having a store to run. I just sent Becky [BBY 399 sup, NOT Grandville] to see if Old Navy contacted her yet, but I'm not expecting a quick reply because she's probably at work, although she should be taking her lunch in the next hour or so. He said that he would call me back though, so that's what is making it so hard to keep my hopes from soaring through the roof.

I'm ridiculously nervous, and I wish that I would just know if I'm getting a 2nd interview or not so I can either continue the search for a new job or so I can freak out with excitement and giddiness; the uncertainty of this all is beginning to get to me. Like normal, I keep zoning out and thinking about all of the details of the situation, what everything could possibly mean to me, all of the different ways things could turn out, if I could even perform the way the store needs me to if they offered me the job, and every other possible detail under the damn sun.

Do I even have what it takes to be a supervisor? That's a HUGE step up from what I am was.

On a less torturous note. I got a little sunburned this weekend, and it reminded me of how fucking much I LOVE spring/summer/warm weather, and I'm SO happy that I can tag along with Pj and Kelly at their airsoft games. It's a ton of fun =] I know that I'm not actually playing, but it's nice being a part of something a team again regardless. I do wonder though if Doc has someone who takes pictures at all of his team's events since Pj had mentioned getting onto his team. =]

One more thing =] <4


Can't you see?
There's a feeling that's come over me
Close my eyes
You're the only one that leaves me completely breathless

No need to wonder why
Sometimes a gift like this you can't deny

'Cause I wanted to fly,
so you gave me your wings
And time held its breath so I could see, yeah
And you set me free

There's a will
There's a way
Sometimes words just can't explain
This is real
I'm afraid
I guess this time there's just no hiding, fighting
You make me restless

You're in my heart
The only light that shines
there in the dark

'Cause I wanted to fly,
so you gave me your wings
And time held its breath so I could see, yeah
And you set me free

When I was alone
You came around
When I was down
You pulled me through
And there's nothing that
I wouldn't do for you

'Cause I wanted to fly,
so you gave me your wings
And time held its breath so I could see, yeah
And you set me free

pull the pin


:: 2008 19 April :: 10.29 am
:: Music: William Tell -- Just For You

Just For You =]


I can't seem to catch my breath
It's in front of me
Behind your lips

And here I go,
Letting go
Just another, let you go
I never thought I could be like this

I wanna spend every moment here with you
You've shown me a place I've seen but never knew
So here I am
Here I am
Here I am
Here I am
Just for you
Just for you

In the dark
Moving hands to find my way
Reaching for a chance
And the words to say

And here I go
Letting go
Just to never let you go
I'm so scared to feel so safe

I wanna spend every moment here with you
You've shown me a place I've seen but never knew
So here I am
Here I am
Here I am
Here I am
Just for you...

I've been so quiet for so long
Waiting for the chance to find me
Now I'm finding out
That things have never been so real
Never felt the way they should be
Now they've found me

I wanna spend every moment here with you
You've shown me a place I've seen but never knew
I wanna spend every moment here with you
You've shown me a place I've seen but never knew
So here I am
Here I am
Here I am
Here I am
Just for you
Just for you...

4 butterfly nades | pull the pin


:: 2008 18 April :: 11.49 am

Apparently we had an earthquake this morning. F-ing sweet, imo. I've never been in/felt [whatever the politically correct term is] an earthquake, so yay for that. I really thought I was going crazy for a bit, and then I figured that Pj's uncle was just doing something, so I went back to sleep.

Last night while I was at work, I got a call from the guy at Old Navy. Thank God Best Buy let me leave at 6, because he wanted me to go in for an interview at 8:15. I was pretty shocked at how quickly he wanted to see me, and how fast the whole process went. I think the interview went okay. I pretty much talked about Best Buy the whole time, and how devoted I was to the ops team at my other store. At the end of the interview he said that he was going to make some calls, check my references, and then set up a 2nd interview if all goes well. I talked to Becky for a bit last night [cool Becky, my sup from the other store], so she knew that he was going to be contacting her, and she also told me that she definitely has faith that I can be a sup. That helped tremendously, because Becky has never said something that she didn't mean. If I get this job, I hope that I can at least be half as great as Becky was; she taught me everything I know, and she's walked me through the leadership process every step of the way. I honestly don't know where I would be without her =]

2 closers tonight, so hopefully I can get away with leaving at 9 or 930 so I get home at a reasonable time. I don't do so well driving at night especially when I'm tired. *crosses fingers* After tonight I only have one more day of crap until next Friday, and hopefully by then I'll have a new job <3

2 butterfly nades | pull the pin


:: 2008 17 April :: 10.35 am

Retail owns my soul.
So the last few days all I've been doing is looking for something that will get me away from the horrible Best Buy I am at, and today I seemed to have struck gold. The Old Navy store in Grandville is hiring for a customer service SUPERVISOR. That makes me pretty ridiculously happy, and I only just applied. Retail, specifically customer service, is what I do, and unfortunately it's what I'm ridiculously good at =[ I might as well come to terms with the fact that I'm destined to be in retail for the rest of my damn life, and I will probably be headed on the management track before too long. I'm so excited, in fact, that I saved the guy's phone number into my phone, and I set an alarm to call him on Monday afternoon [assuming I don't work], if I haven't heard anything back since then. The job was just posted two days ago as well, so hopefully I actually have a shot at getting called for an interview. Not gonna lie, the money and the discount would be pretty fucking sweet. The money especially. I have the overwhelming urge to call Becky, my sup from the Wausau BBY, and tell her how excited I am, especially since I have her down as my number one reference.

I just reread that, and I don't want anyone to think that I actually like retail, because I don't; I'm just disgustingly good at it. If I can't find anything else until I can go back to school and get a degree, then I might as well give it my all and make damn good money being a leader which is what I REALLY love.

In other news, the worst cliche I've ever heard is "if you think it's too good to be true, then it probably is." It makes me feel SO paranoid, and for whatever reason, that damn saying always lingers in the back of my mind. This morning I decided to kick it's fucking ass and beat it into the ground. There truly are GOOD people, and good things really do happen; it's time to accept that. It feels weird to be involved with a guy that is actually a good guy. Before I moved, I remember him telling me that he didn't want to do something to screw things up. I'm not sure that's something I could ever forget, and it's a nice reminder that he's as devoted to things as I am. I'm not used to being with someone who notices when I'm not acting like myself and goes the extra mile to ask me what's wrong, and doesn't believe me when I say nothing. I'm also not used to being held so tight that it's like he doesn't want to let me go. Honestly, it's probably one of the best feelings ever, aside from laughing til I cry. Things are finally starting to feel normal, and all of the doubts and fears have gradually been reduced to nothing but happiness and a genuine sense of security. For the first time since I saw my schedule for this week, I'm okay with the hours that I'm working because I know that he'll be here waiting for me when I get home.

True love feels SO good.


*[Edit]* I already got an email back from Old Navy... granted it was only to ask me to copy and paste my resume to him, because he can't open up attachments, but it was contact nonetheless, so my cover letter must have had enough in it to interest him. *crosses fingers*

7 butterfly nades | pull the pin


:: 2008 16 April :: 11.20 am
:: Music: Something Corporate -- Fall

Music recommendations...And go!
I have 10 hours of driving in the near future, not to mention the trips for all the airsoft games, and all of my mix cd's are pretty fail and full of the same songs just in different orders. SO. I need either stellar combos of songs for new cd's, or music recommendations so that I can make my own stellar combos =]

I listen to everything sans opera.

Ready? Go!
<3

6 butterfly nades | pull the pin

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