Something but past and done
Ok So theres a few things I want to get off my chest because its bugging the feck out of me.
I dont even feel ok to say anything about it in my own space. It is my bouncing wall to put my thoughts on so Im doing it anyway.

The stereo in my car doesnt work, and hasnt for about a month now. Its lead to alot of random thoughts to think about while driving.

Like this mornings thoughts...which bring the dread wrench feeling in my stomach.

Im very unhappy with how things ended with Rachel. I got too overbearing in the attempt to salvage anything and Im left with remorse, and a bit of hate on the whole thing. This leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Why? Oh mainly because it was 4years of my life.
(Side note, dont try to relate to my story, not looking for that)

6yrs ago I met her in a chat room and just had a friend for the summer. Someone to enjoy talking to.
4yrs ago I decided to try and make a long distance relationship work. Even if we werent together it was still nice to say we were.
2yrs ago I got back together with her. Ever since, we struggled to keep things together. Breakdowns aside I enjoyed it.

Time and again, I was either broke, or nearly broke but I made it work to get her here to be with me.

Then I went to see how things were for her down there...where shit went downhill. How far downhill it was before I even arrived I dont know. Rachel was always fairly good with hiding something if she wanted to. Her small hints tended to fall to the side, as I hadnt had time to take them in when in person. Subtle things like, she wasnt wearing the necklace I gave her that she attested to not taking off, or how she smiled at me even.

The more I think about it the more I dont know how distant she was from me already. It just felt like someone had been whispering bad things to her the whole time. It was like she was allowing me to be there simply to let me know I wasnt wanted anymore. Like I was cast aside and was simply being nice due to the pasttense of things.

Saturday night was a freaking crapfest. I dont know what she remembers of it either. All I know is that the time the the first set of folks left, and the second arrived. Things were bad. I was made to be the bad guy because of it. Totally not the case. That was a 50/50 street there. I was quiet and distant after 9pm. Why? Because what I saw was just not what I expected. I could have taken it in stride, but I knew that it wasnt possible. The remainder of the evening continued on the downhill slide.

Post mortim we emailed back and forth some on a few things. Which basically turned into me laying out my reasoning to her, and her getting increasingly angry and defensive. Very little do I find myself in uncomfortable situations. All of Saturday turned into that and Im not going to change my mind on the issues it involved.

I know what I want, and I know what I really, really dont want. What I saw was what I dont want. It hurt me. A lot. Why? Because I knew that 4yrs ago I said to myself something along the lines of "Ill make this work hell or high water." All it did was get worse from then. I broke down some now and then, but only out of longing. Wanting the wait to be over. She broke down harder, less often and I think ended out worse for it.

I broke up with her. She broke up with me. It was "mutual" at best.

I love the girl. I always will, Im just sad that my 'sunny-disposition' got in the way of the thing I hoped to do most. Protect her from the hurt. It seems all I did was manage to bandaid it and it continued to wrech.


Ill continue this rant later. ...prolly should block comments, but meh.

1 butterfly nade | pull the pin