*The true nature of a man is decided in the battle between his conscious mind and the desires of his subconscious. The only way to win is to deny the battle.*


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.::Echoing Remorse::.

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:: 2005 4 March :: 8.01pm
:: Mood: I'm in a cold sort of mood... distinct and thinkin
:: Music: Tool: Lateralus

No matter how much I may seem it, I'm not okay. I don't know how she manages to continue hurting me, but I'm still letting it affect me just as much. It's just a matter of time before I give up...


I know the pieces fit cuz I watched them fall away
Mildewed and smoldering. Fundamental differing.
Pure intention juxtaposed will set two lovers souls in motion
Disintegrating as it goes testing our communication
The light that fueled our fire then has burned a hole between us so
We cannot see to reach an end crippling our communication.

I know the pieces fit cuz I watched them tumble down
No fault, none to blame it doesn't mean I don't desire to
Point the finger, blame the other, watch the temple topple over.
To bring the pieces back together, rediscover communication

The poetry that comes from the squaring off between,
And the circling is worth it.
Finding beauty in the dissonance.

There was a time that the pieces fit, but I watched them fall away.
Mildewed and smoldering, strangled by our coveting
I've done the math enough to know the dangers of our second guessing
Doomed to crumble unless we grow, and strengthen our communication.

Cold silence has a tendency to atrophy any
Sense of compassion
Between supposed lovers/brothers


We barely remember who or what came before this precious moment,
We are choosing to be here right now. Hold on, stay inside
This holy reality, this holy experience.
Choosing to be here in

This body. This body holding me. Be my reminder here that I am not alone in
This body, this body holding me, feeling eternal
All this pain is an illusion.

Alive, I

In this holy reality, in this holy experience. Choosing to be here in

This body. This body holding me. Be my reminder here that I am not alone in
This body, this body holding me, feeling eternal
All this pain is an illusion.

Twirling round with this familiar parable.
Spinning, weaving round each new experience.
Recognize this as a holy gift and celebrate this chance to be alive and breathing.

This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality.
Embrace this moment. Remember. We are eternal.
All this pain is an illusion.


I have come curiously close to the end, down
Beneath my self-indulgent pitiful hole,
Defeated, I concede and
Move closer
I may find comfort here
I may find peace within the emptiness
How pitiful

It's calling me...

And in my darkest moment, fetal and weeping
The moon tells me a secret - my confidant
As full and bright as I am
This light is not my own and
A million light reflections pass over me

Its source is bright and endless
She resuscitates the hopeless
Without her, we are lifeless satellites drifting

And as I pull my head out I am without one doubt
Don't wanna be down here feeding my narcissism.
I must crucify the ego before it's far too late
I pray the light lifts me out
Before I pine away.

So crucify the ego, before it's far too late
To leave behind this place so negative and blind and cynical,
And you will come to find that we are all one mind
Capable of all that's imagined and all conceivable.
Just let the light touch you
And let the words spill through
And let them pass right through
Bringing out our hope and reason ...
before we pine away.

.....and so ends loving affections for Amelia...
It took so much longer than you thought....


.:: From Behind My Eyes::.


:: 2005 2 March :: 10.48pm

Just stop being so fucking angry at me. I'm the one who should be angry.

And Anna, don't do that again. Don't try that again. Don't succeed EVER.
I love her so much...

2 .::Whispers To Me::. | .:: From Behind My Eyes::.


:: 2005 1 March :: 8.06pm

People like you becuase you're beautiful!
What attracts people to you?

brought to you by Quizilla


.:: From Behind My Eyes::.


:: 2005 1 March :: 7.55pm

First of all
You stoll her from me and made her hate me

Second of all
You became my friend

Third of all
You started hating her

Fourth of all
You made me hate her

Last of all
You made her love you

5 .::Whispers To Me::. | .:: From Behind My Eyes::.


:: 2005 1 March :: 7.52pm

You guys, I may be changing my usernames to everything
Every thing including:

All of those... I'll keep ya posted.


.:: From Behind My Eyes::.


:: 2005 1 March :: 7.49pm

For all of you who fucking CARE I'm having my party on my birthday (the 25th).

4 .::Whispers To Me::. | .:: From Behind My Eyes::.


:: 2005 27 February :: 10.19pm
:: Mood: Not-so-emotionally-stable/exhausted


Ginger Lillian, aka Ginger the Wonder Dog


As good as my doggie. One of my best friends. There were not very many things in this world that made me as happy as when I would pet and play and see Ginger. I'll miss her, too.

2 .::Whispers To Me::. | .:: From Behind My Eyes::.


:: 2005 27 February :: 5.37pm

Put an X in the ( ) for the ones that apply to you:
( ) snuck out of the house?
(x) gotten lost in your city?
(x) saw a shooting star?
(x) been to any other countries besides the united states?
( ) had a serious surgery?
(x) gone out in public in your pajamas?
(x) kissed a stranger?
(x) hugged a stranger?
(x) been in a fist fight?
( ) been arrested?
( ) done drugs?
(x) had alcohol?
(x) laughed and had milk/coke come out of your nose?
(x) pushed all the buttons on an elevator?
(x) made out in an elevator?
(x) swore at your parents?
(xxxxxxxxxxx) kicked a guy where it hurts?
(x) been in love?
( ) been close to love?
( ) been to a casino?
( ) been skydiving?
( ) broken a bone?
( ) been high?
(x) given someone a bruise?
( ) skinny-dipped?
(x) skipped school?
(x) flashed someone?
(x) had oral surgery?
(x) saw a therapist?
(x) done the splits?
( ) played spin the bottle?
(x) gotten stitches?
( ) drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour?
(x) bitten someone?
(x) been to Niagara Falls?
(x) gotten the chicken pox?
(x) kissed a member of the opposite sex?
(x) kissed a member of the same sex?
( ) crashed into a friend's car?
( ) been to Japan?
(x) ridden in a taxi?
(x) been dumped?
(x) shoplifted?
( ) been fired?
( ) ever had a crush on someone of the same sex?
(x) had feelings for someone who didnt have them back?
( ) stole something from your job?
( ) gone on a blind date?
(x) had a crush on a teacher?
( ) celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans?
(x) been to Europe?
( ) slept with a co-worker?
( ) been married?
( ) gotten divorced?
( ) had children?
( ) saw someone die?
( ) been to Africa?
( ) Driven over 400 miles in one day?
(x) Been to Canada?
( ) Been to Mexico?
(x) Been on a plane?
(x) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show?
( ) Thrown up in a bar?
( ) Purposely set a part of myself on fire?
(x) Eaten Sushi?
( ) Been snowboarding?
(x) Met someone in person from the internet
( ) Been to a moto cross show?
(x) had real feelings for someone you knew only online?
( ) taken partially nude/nude photos of yourself?
( ) been in an abusive relationship?
( ) lost a child?
(x) gone to college?
( ) graduated college?
( ) done hard drugs?
(x) tried killing yourself?
(x) taken painkillers?
(x) love someone or miss someone right now

.:: From Behind My Eyes::.


:: 2005 27 February :: 1.41pm

Ginger was a good dog.

When I was riding in the car with the Carbones, we started talking about parties and such. It made me wonder when I'm going to have mine since my birthday is on March 25th.

So I got home and told my mom what happened and everything. And then I asked her about my birthday party... We have to talk to dad but we're thinking about having it the evening of my birthday (since it's on a friday) and having people eat before they come. It's going to hopefully be this videogame, movie, dancing blowout. I've thought of 25 people who may want to come... They all know someone there.

But all we have to do is run it by my dad.

2 .::Whispers To Me::. | .:: From Behind My Eyes::.


:: 2005 27 February :: 10.35am

There's not much more to say other than that. We've had some fun times together, Ginger and I. And to me she is the best doggie there could ever be. I know how much Linda and Micheal and Elizabeth loved her. I also know how much I loved her. I know how it is to lose someone you really care about whether it be a pet or a person. And Ginger was a member of the family... they didn't see her as a dog. She always made me really happy when I was over there... And in the summer time when Puah would play with her. When we would give her a bath. When she would eat grass; then puke it up and we would say, "Ew."; then we realized it was normal...

Ginger was so special to everyone. We are sad to see her go in the Hahn household. And I personally will miss her very much.

Elizabeth, I love you. I'm sorry. And send our (my family's) regaurds.

.:: From Behind My Eyes::.


:: 2005 26 February :: 11.50am

Read more..

.:: From Behind My Eyes::.


:: 2005 26 February :: 11.42am

I have 1000 hits on DevArt! I drew a picture to thank everyone and I need to scan it...
I also wrote some poetry last night. It's not exactly my forte but eh... what are you going to do? It's about love but not necessarily about Ryan. Part of it kind of sounds like it could be for God.

....Too bad I'm not Christain.

So yeah. I think Amelia and Brooke are pissed off at me. Maybe it's because of how I said they were being rude in Japanese Club on Thursday... They keep on glaring at me and ignoring me. But hey, they were being rude. Everyone except for maybe Jordan and that one guy were talking and being loud and Brooke asked Ryan to do the presentation while she didn't even pay attention. Shouldn't the leaders set a good example? I was asking them to be quite because I wanted to pay attention.

People were rude all Thursday... like at the play, the sophmores behind us were just assholes. And that little kid... God I wanted to ring his little neck when he called me fat.

That's it.
Not very happy either...


7 .::Whispers To Me::. | .:: From Behind My Eyes::.

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