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Resist much, obey little.

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:: 2011 10 November :: 12.47pm

Nathan wrote me back last night to say that while he was willing to talk, he didn't want to be friends.

At first I was angry, oh so angry. But that burned off overnight, and today I'm just in a slump. I suppose I have to accept that I'm just not as important to him as I wish I were--maybe I never was. I feel like this is just one more situation in which he's running away rather than facing something difficult. When it counted, he was never really willing to take the initiative and fight for me. It's a painful realization and it makes me feel pretty worthless.

I don't know how to talk to him without being his friend. We know each other too well to just be acquaintances. And so I wrote him back to say, in essence, "Well, ball's in your court, then; have a nice life."

And now...I don't know where to go from here. I feel like three months ago I lost my boyfriend, and yesterday night I lost my best friend too. I'm getting progressively more alone as the months go by. And my horoscope for today read something like "The more connections you make, the harder it is to hang onto the meaningful ones. Your circle of friends may have expanded, but your circle of close friends may have decreased."

Thanks a lot, downer fortune.

5 had an epiphany | do tell


:: 2011 9 November :: 8.43am

Today is the day. Three months have passed, and the silence is over. I just sent Nathan an e-mail.

do tell


:: 2011 17 October :: 10.57am

I wonder if Nathan misses me.

do tell


:: 2011 7 October :: 8.23am

I think it's time to find a new therapist. The only benefit I'm getting from this one is the prescription, and she's just the go-between on that one anyway. I tell her things and she just stares at me. Doesn't respond. Just stares. It's extremely uncomfortable and I don't know what she wants from me. To eat my brains?

In happier news, I went to a Blink-182 concert, and it was FUCKING AWESOME. I danced my ass off, screamed myself hoarse, and nearly got hit in the face by a flying pair of pants. It was an incredible rush, and the next day I felt tired in a good, worn-out way and not a depressed, hopeless way...first time in months.

2 had an epiphany | do tell


:: 2011 3 October :: 12.28pm

Emo totoro
Nathan reads my LJ, so although I do tend to use it more, this is the only place I feel I can be completely candid. I may begin writing here more often again.

Singlehood isn't getting any easier. Rather the opposite, actually. Each day is more difficult than the last. It doesn't help that he seems to be moving on just fine. A friend of mine made me promise not to look at his LJ or his Facebook anymore, because I'm just torturing myself with the wondering.

Depression is a difficult enemy and it's really got me by the metaphorical balls. All I want to do is sleep, but once I get in bed my mind races and I toss and turn and wake up still just as tired as before. I don't eat unless food is handed to me, and sometimes even then I have trouble stomaching it. Every morning I have to talk myself out of calling in sick to work. I can't concentrate on anything, I don't want to leave the house, I haven't listened to the radio in months. Everything seems relatively pointless.

The frustrating thing is that I think I'm doing the right things, and I'm just not feeling any better. I go to bed on time. I see friends often. I keep up with hobbies I enjoy, even if they're not feeling particularly rewarding at the moment. I honor my commitments and continue doggedly going to work and rehearsals. I set myself goals and plan for the future. I'm making an real effort to take care of myself and avoid isolation and paralysis. But it's not working!

Last week, as an exercise in perspective, I tried to make a list of good things about being single. But I only came up with seven, and they were all variations on the same thing, and it wasn't compelling. So I tried instead to make a list of good things about being alive. That list was significantly longer, but it didn't make me feel better like I'd hoped it would. None of these things make me happy anymore. The best I've been doing is less sad. Which, to be fair, is better than nothing.

It scares me to think that these feelings of hopelessness and futility might not go away. It scares me even more to realize that sometimes I honestly feel I don't have anything more to look forward to in life. I've been depressed before, but I've never been frightened by it. This is the worst it's ever been.

I do want to make it clear that, although I am currently feeling like the scum of the earth, I have no intention to harm myself in any way. I'm just not happy anymore, and sometimes I have trouble believing that will ever change.

3 had an epiphany | do tell


:: 2011 23 September :: 9.02am
:: Mood: sad

Today is Nathan's birthday.

do tell


:: 2011 16 August :: 1.44pm

Missing Nathan something fierce. The pain is just unrelentless. It feels as though there's something inside my chest, squeezing on my lungs.

1 had an epiphany | do tell

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