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Resist much, obey little.

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:: 2011 3 October :: 12.28pm

Emo totoro
Nathan reads my LJ, so although I do tend to use it more, this is the only place I feel I can be completely candid. I may begin writing here more often again.

Singlehood isn't getting any easier. Rather the opposite, actually. Each day is more difficult than the last. It doesn't help that he seems to be moving on just fine. A friend of mine made me promise not to look at his LJ or his Facebook anymore, because I'm just torturing myself with the wondering.

Depression is a difficult enemy and it's really got me by the metaphorical balls. All I want to do is sleep, but once I get in bed my mind races and I toss and turn and wake up still just as tired as before. I don't eat unless food is handed to me, and sometimes even then I have trouble stomaching it. Every morning I have to talk myself out of calling in sick to work. I can't concentrate on anything, I don't want to leave the house, I haven't listened to the radio in months. Everything seems relatively pointless.

The frustrating thing is that I think I'm doing the right things, and I'm just not feeling any better. I go to bed on time. I see friends often. I keep up with hobbies I enjoy, even if they're not feeling particularly rewarding at the moment. I honor my commitments and continue doggedly going to work and rehearsals. I set myself goals and plan for the future. I'm making an real effort to take care of myself and avoid isolation and paralysis. But it's not working!

Last week, as an exercise in perspective, I tried to make a list of good things about being single. But I only came up with seven, and they were all variations on the same thing, and it wasn't compelling. So I tried instead to make a list of good things about being alive. That list was significantly longer, but it didn't make me feel better like I'd hoped it would. None of these things make me happy anymore. The best I've been doing is less sad. Which, to be fair, is better than nothing.

It scares me to think that these feelings of hopelessness and futility might not go away. It scares me even more to realize that sometimes I honestly feel I don't have anything more to look forward to in life. I've been depressed before, but I've never been frightened by it. This is the worst it's ever been.

I do want to make it clear that, although I am currently feeling like the scum of the earth, I have no intention to harm myself in any way. I'm just not happy anymore, and sometimes I have trouble believing that will ever change.

3 had an epiphany | do tell


:: 2011 23 September :: 9.02am
:: Mood: sad

Today is Nathan's birthday.

do tell


:: 2011 16 August :: 1.44pm

Missing Nathan something fierce. The pain is just unrelentless. It feels as though there's something inside my chest, squeezing on my lungs.

1 had an epiphany | do tell


:: 2011 10 August :: 9.23am

Dear interblag,

I am extremely sad to report that Nathan and I ended our relationship last night.

He wasn't happy any longer, I felt that I couldn't be what he needed, and we both have just been in long-distance stasis for the past two years, neither of us moving forward because of the other. We both have baggage to work through, and plans to pursue, and as heartbreaking as it is to admit, we were only getting in each other's way.

We walked up into Wildcat Canyon to talk and sat on a trampled patch of long, dry grass. I told him I thought we should end it, and he talked me out of it. Then he changed his mind, and I talked him out of it. Hours and many iterations later, we ended up in my truck, parked by the side of the road a block from his house. He finally said that what he needed was for it to be over, and I can't begrudge him that. I said that what I needed was reassurance that someday we would see each other and talk again, and he assured me that we would remain friends, after we've had some time to heal.

We kissed one last time, shook hands, and said goodbye. I watched until he disappeared around the corner before I started my truck again and left.

I am well and truly heartbroken, but I'm trying to take things a day at a time, concentrating only on the present moment. Nathan and I were together for five and a half years. He was my first boyfriend, my first love, my first lover. I deeply and honestly believed that he would be the only one, and right now it's difficult for me to imagine ever finding another his like. He has made me happier and more self-confident than anyone in my life ever has, and the person I am now is so exponentially better than the person I was when I met him, I would never have believed the change possible. I owe him a great deal of credit for that...it might never have happened without his support and his humor and his unconditional, unwavering love.

I know I need to concentrate on myself now, and figure out how to be single and self-reliant, but everything I see and do reminds me of him, and the pain of that reminder is constant and overwhelming. I fear that this will be a long, slow journey.

do tell


:: 2010 16 December :: 11.34am

Have I really not used this journal since August? o_O

Not much has changed since then, to be honest. Hachi is much larger. I've been working as an intern for Leucrota Press, which is neat, and although the internship officially ends on December 31, it may be extended until March. I write blog posts every week for them here:

Leucrota Press blog

Nathan still lives in the Bay Area. I'm still in Sacramento. It's still trying at times, though I look forward to the winter break, when we'll be able to spend more time together.

I joined the West Sac community orchestra in September, and we just finished up our set of Christmas concerts. It's so fun to be playing with a group again, and there must be something about the horn that draws in really entertaining people, because all the horn players I've ever known have been hilarious. I'm currently the third horn in the orchestra, and get to hear witty commentary from the first and second all rehearsal long.

I guess more has changed than I thought.

do tell


:: 2010 18 October :: 10.12pm

To my readers:

There's a reason I haven't been writing. I cannot talk about it here. But I realized this gave me the opportunity to do what I knew would have to be done someday. Say goodbye.

But first, thank you. Thank you for listening to my words through your pixels. Thank you for coming along, whatever your reason, whoever you are. Thank you for watching my mystery unravel.

It's hard for me. To let this go. Seven years of my life are in these pages. A documented path from student to scientist. I'm not leaving because there's nothing to say, rather the opposite is true. There's so much that got left out from this summer, all those months I wasn't writing. A huge chunk of this is missing because of it, but that's the way it goes.

It wasn't always this way. Woohu was a community once. I thought of it more of a message board for my dorm and the group of friends I congealed with freshman year. One by one they left here, but I made a conscious decision to stay. Not for any particular reason, other than this became home. And I began to realize that all along, this journal, the memories buried in these pages, had been for me. To see growth flowing through words, representing actions, representing faith in myself.

And this became my memoir. My memoir of everything I lost and all that I gained. My winding road from those terrifying early moments in chemistry freshman year to a full-fledged forensic scientist in the NYPD. From being horrified to speak in front of room of classmates to testifying in courts of law to a jury of strangers. From bemoaning biochemical pathways and stoichiometry to analyzing mass spectral evidence.

When this journal began I was 18 years old. I was a wide-eyed freshman in college surrounded by strangers who would eventually become friends. I was dating a British boy back home, saw my parents every month or so, and thought I was going to become a biochemist. My first entry was made in playful angst as I fidgeted with my new life.

As this journal ends, I am 25 years old. A girl standing on her own two feet looking back and knowing how she got here, in large part to this very place where she could watch it unfold. This place took my experiences, often too close for me to see clearly, and let me take a step back and examine them to see them for what they were. Seven years later, I have a domestic partnership, a new group of friends, and a career in forensics. And my last entry is not in angst, but rather in wonder. This is to have succeeded. To end better than I began.

I didn't write everything here. There are a lot of things that happened to me, or I happened to them, that will never grace these pages. But what's here is my truth nonetheless. What's here was for me, and that makes it real.

I am not done writing forever. This has become ingrained in me and I had to make a conscious effort not to do it. Not because I have some sort of fantastic life that the internet needs to know about, but because life is something worth documenting even if just for myself. I will be found elsewhere, when I'm ready.

I am going to open back up a few of my last entries to give a sense of where I left off. These last two years had more loss, in the sense of people, than I have dealt with in the rest of my life combined. My life has undoubtedly changed because of it.

But in the end, thank you to the friends in Michigan, friends in New York, Jason, family members, a few coworkers, and a handful of strangers who read this. Thank you for finding this interesting enough to even have read it just once. Thank you for embracing yet another cell floating in the endless sea.

October 18th 2003 - October 18th 2010

7 had an epiphany | do tell


:: 2010 29 August :: 9.51pm
:: Mood: happy

Last week I adopted a little black and white kitten from a vet's office in Wilton--she was surrendered as part of a litter of seven, all needing homes.

She'll be 5 weeks soon, and she's the sweetest little thing. I've been taking her to work with me and she's a big hit with the kids, unsurprisingly. She's so friendly and curious and playful. I truly love her.

I've decided to call her Hachi--her namesake is a character from the anime/manga Nana, but hachi is also the word for eight in Japanese, which I find appropriate, since I got her in August.

Picture below! Read more..

The day before yesterday was the sixth anniversary of my father's death, and probably thanks in large part to Hachi, I'm doing pretty well. In his honor, I bought a telescope to look at Mars, which on that same day was closer to Earth than it has been in 60,000 years. It didn't work out, unfortunately. But at least I tried.

1 had an epiphany | do tell

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