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:: 2011 7 December :: 7.40pm

i am so overjoyed to finally become what i always knew i was meant to be. <3 <3 <3

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:: 2011 21 November :: 10.56pm
:: Mood: geeky
:: Music: Nicki Minaj



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:: 2011 17 November :: 9.32pm


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:: 2011 31 October :: 9.25pm

i only have one person who truly truly understands. i appreciate her and respect her so much for that. especially because she never went through it herself so to understand how i feel is a huge deal. of course shes familiar with the feeling of trying and waiting etc but to actually be told its going to be hard for it happen. that theres a possibility it wont ever happen. thats tough to understand. to that person, you know who you are i hope and just know how much i appreciate it.

i hate so much the feeling where you have something that upsets you so much but you feel like its wrong for you to get sad or be mopey because someone of course has it worse than you do. but then on the other hand i dont want to walk around being miss positive when things aren't positive. i hate going to work every day and pretending like i'm caring about the papers i'm filling out, the patients i talk to, the work i'm doing. i dont care. my mind has been focused on one thing and one thing alone for so many months. i feel so selfish and so self asorbed on one hand and then on the other hand i feel like i have a total right to feel this way.

i have always felt i have one sole purpose on this earth. for that to have become something that might never happen for me is just unthinkable. so upsetting. i hate feeling this way but i can't help it. I can't help thinking that if it doesn't happen for me, i wont ever be complete. i dont even have the option of that "out" that most people have. because the person i'm goign tobe with every day for the rest of my life doesn't see that as an option. and thats not what i wanted anyway but at least i could keep that in the back of my mind as an option if no other way is possible. if it doesn't happen i wont be able to just keep going to work i wont be able to keep participating in life like i might get what i want one day. i wont. this isn't how it was supposed to happen.

i know what i was made for.

God, you know what I was made for too. Why wont you allow it? It scares me so bad. I'm so bitter towards everyone I meet or hear about who has what I don't have. It hurts every time I see how great we would be. It hurts when we act so silly together and then look at each other and say "can you imagine what it will be like when....." to think that there may never be that "when" it hurts so much. I hate the feeling that I can hardly cry about it anymore. Its like its not real. Its like I'm seriously just on a moving sidewalk not actually living my life but just rolling on along... watching everything. Of course I have moments that I enjoy with friends and my loved ones. obviously. but i can never escape the feeling of sadness I have about the thing that clouds my mind 100% of the time. Medicated so i'll feel better on a day to day basis but it just makes things feel unreal. Because I can't feel sadness like I did. Its good but bad all in one.

I dont want to be jealous anymore. I dont want to be bitter anymore. but most of all i dont want to be missing this important thing in my life anymore.

i'm so scared to inject crazy chemicals into my body. all the changes or side effects it can cause. weight gain, nausea , insomnia, loss or damage of an organ. potential death. pain. the stress its going to put on my marriage and friendships. and the insane cost. the cost we can't afford whatsoever. but i can't even say i care because its nothing compared to what i want. it will make the pain so much harder to ignore. i'm so sick of taking medications . i'm so sick of appointments. insurance company calls. a surgery. prayers. what more can i put into this. i really truly don't know. i've tried praying to God every day several times a day, i've tried saying fuck it and screw you God you don't want to give me the thing I've wanted most in my life since I was literally 2 years old. anyone who knows me would know what I want more than anything. You know that when I was 4, when I was 11, when I was 14...what did i love? what did i want? did i want a fancy career? a big degree? money? fuck no. you know what i want.

but to reiterate- thank you again to my friend who understands,listens, is so supportive and always says the right thing.
also thank you to the other people in my life who care as well. please know i appreciate more than i could ever tell you.

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:: 2011 31 October :: 7.35pm

who would have thought i would have to do what i'm about to do? its so not fair. if it doesn't work i wont be able to keep this stupid positive attitude anymore.............. but yet i wont be able to stop trying........................super.

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:: 2011 2 June :: 10.09pm
:: Mood: hateful
:: Music: fuck you

fuck you
i need to find some people who have more in common with me

you know..........

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck and fuck.
blknbfk fuck everything/

and also i hate you you're a bitch and fuck you. selfish bitch.

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:: 2011 23 May :: 10.59pm

having surgery on wednesday. hoping it is for good reason.

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:: 2011 4 February :: 11.30pm

I feel lost like theres no real fit for me completely. My whole plan I've had my entire life may never pan out and so I'm just living day by day wondering if my life plan will ever come true.

I was so sure my whole life that I never once questioned it. Now who knows.

I also feel taken advantage of and under appreciated.

And maybe related, maybe not, I've been so paranoid lately it's unbearable. Especially when driving,i feel like I'm going to get in an accident at least once a minute. If someones following too close or hits the brakes too suddenly my whole body tenses up. Car wrecks play in my head the whole drive and I pull on my seat belt to tighten it throughout the drive. At night i feel like someone is in my back seat, which I've always checked for but usually just once, at the beginning of the drive, not 4 times throughout, turning on the light to check and even feeling like I feel someone breathing on my neck from the back seat.
I'm having a harder and harder time getting up during the night to pee or let the dogs out without being power petrified that my nightmare about the man behind my shower curtain trying to kill me isn't real. I can't open the curtain to check bc I'm so sure hes there.
These new developments on top of the always present anxiety and stomach upset every morning before work thats been going on for 8 months makes my life a lotta fun right now.

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:: 2010 30 November :: 12.45pm
:: Music: Rufus Wainwright- Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk

Take a lot of sentimental valiums...
Cigarettes and chocolate milk
These are just a couple of my cravings
Everything it seems I like's a little bit stronger
A little bit thicker, a little bit harmful for me

If I should buy jellybeans
Have to eat them all in just one sitting
Everything it seems I like's a little bit sweeter
A little bit fatter, a little bit harmful for me

And then there's those other things
Which for several reasons we won't mention
Everything about 'em is a little bit stranger, a little bit harder
A little bit deadly

It isn't very smart
Tends to make one part
So brokenhearted

Sitting here remembering me
Always been a shoe made for the city
Go ahead accuse me of just singing about places
With scrappy boys faces have general run of the town

Playing with prodigal sons
Take a lot of sentimental valiums
Can't expect the world to be your Raggedy Andy
While running on empty you little old doll with a frown

You got to keep in the game
Retaining mystique while facing forward
I suggest a reading of Lessoon in Tightropes
Or surfing your high hopes or adios Kansas

It isn't very smart
Tends to make one part
So brokenhearted

Still there's not a show on my back
Holes or a friendly intervention
I'm just a little bit heiress, a little bit Irish
A little bit Tower of Pisa
Whenever I see ya
So please be kind if I'm a mess

Cigarettes and chocolate milk
Cigarettes and chocolate milk

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:: 2010 27 October :: 12.56pm

In the light of the sun
Is there anyone?
Oh, it has begun
Oh dear, you look so lost
Eyes are red and tears are shed
Some world you must have crossed .

You said, You don't know me
You don't even care
She said, you don't know me
You don't wear my chains

The essential yet appealed
Carry all your thoughts cross an open field
When flowers gaze at you
They're not the only ones
Who cry when they see you

You said, You don't know me
You don't even care
She said, you don't know me
You don't wear my chains

She said, I think I'm going to Boston
I think I'll start a new life
I think I'll start it over
No one knows my name
I'll get out of California
I'm tired of the weather
I think I'll get a lover
I'll fly 'em out to Spain

I think I'm going to Boston
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town
To leave this all behind
I think I need a sunrise
I'm tired of the sunset
Here it's nice in the summer
Some snow would be nice

2 Votes | Vote Here!


:: 2010 2 September :: 12.12pm

I really can't do this.

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:: 2010 10 August :: 10.08pm
:: Music: The Postal Service- The District Sleeps Tonight

I'm staring at the asphalt wondering/ What's buried underneath where I am...
Smeared black ink
Your palms are sweaty
And I'm barely listening
To last demands
I'm staring at the asphalt wondering
What's buried underneath where I am

I'll wear my badge
A vinyl sticker with big block letters
Adherent to my chest
That tells your new friends
I am a visitor here: I am not permanent
And the only thing keeping me dry is where I am

You seem so out of context
In this gaudy apartment complex
A stranger with your door key
Explaining that I am just visiting
And I am finally seeing
Why I was the one worth leaving

D.C. sleeps alone tonight

You seem so out of context
In this gaudy apartment complex
A stranger with your door key
Explaining that I am just visiting
And I finally seeing
Why I was the one worth leaving

The district sleeps alone tonight
After the bars turn out their lights
And send the autos swerving
Into the loneliest evening
And I am finally seeing
Why I was the one worth leaving

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:: 2010 21 July :: 11.20pm

How long do u live your life "playing by the rules" and "doing things the right way" even if u hate it more than anyything before u actually go out and do what u really want to do and get the things out of life that are actually importnat to you? I don't want to play it safe anymore.I can't live like this-i need help but there is no where to get help- admitting failure .... I wish I could start over again and focus on what I was made for. I wish I could understand why I am like thuis and I wish I could know the right things to do. I just feel like there really are no solutions and I hate it

1 Vote | Vote Here!


:: 2010 10 July :: 7.53pm
:: Music: Ben Folds Five- Fair

I send my best, cause God knows, you've seen my worst...
you know when you don't listen to an album for a really long time and then you listen to it again and it's like... whoa.

i bought ben folds five- whatever and ever amen, on cd... i already have it, but it's on..umm... cassette tape.... so i haven't listened to it in a while.


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:: 2010 8 July :: 9.29pm
:: Music: Ben Folds- Kalamazoo

Don't you know that I've been there too?
Ran out of time
Running my mouth
Ran up a tab and
All the way from Kalamazoo
On my way back home
I was surely stoned
Now I'm sober in my yard

Can't believe I was there
Can't believe I've been anywhere else

There was a time
Almost forgot
We had been drifting
All the way to Kalamazoo
And I said that I loved you too
All the way back home

There's an old joke
I just made up
How many of me
Would it take to screw up your life?
One to settle down
One to turn you 'round
Now I'm sober in my yard

I would say you had to be there
And I regret that you're still there

Seems like you'd be frozen
Frozen there in time
Waving your goodbye
High up to the sky

Your place on the map
Has faded away
Looks to be lost in
More that one way, Kalamazoo
Don't you know that I've been there too?
And it puts your mind more at ease
If you'd say the words of release
All the way back home

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