friends | profile | guestbook

Au Revoir

recent entries | past entries

:: 2005 26 August :: 4.46 pm

Planning a wedding is so much easier (and not to mention 100 times less stressful) when its all hypothetical.

punch me

:: 2005 25 August :: 9.17 am

-So, any sex tips for Glamour's readers?
Tina Fey: Make sure you don't laugh.
Amy Poehler: Try not to barf.

punch me

:: 2005 16 August :: 9.34 pm

I have noticed, and this applies particularly to younger females, that when females choose to use their own picture as their LJ user icon or myspace picture or whatever, it is overtly or covertly sexualized (cleavage is noticeable, lips are pouty, chest is stuck out, eyes and overall expression is stereotypically passive, and therefore seductive to males). Why is this??? Is it society that urges, no demands that females be sexual at all times, even in the context of their user icons? Do females feel less than worthy if they are not attractive to the opposite (or same?) sex? Why don't males use sexualized icons of themselves as much as women do?

punch me

:: 2005 26 July :: 9.34 pm

Man, every time I hear U2's "Vertigo" I get really embarrassed for them. And this is saying a lot, because I NEVER feel embarrassed for people with more money than me.

1 black eye | punch me

:: 2005 8 July :: 7.03 am

The London bombing is horrible. I won't say that it isn't. Violence anywhere should be condemned. But I am feeling a certain amount of Anglo-centric and Euro-centric guilt about the whole thing. I wonder how often violence like this occurs in Africa and the Middle East and we don't hear head or tail of it. I wonder about the way I am able to stoically read about bombings in Israel in newspapers and when I turn on the T.V. and see that it's happened in London my stomach drops. London is about as far removed from me as the Congo or Palestine. I've never been there. I have family from England, but I don't know them and my only real connection is my grandmother's accent. Is it because I've become desensitized to the idea of violence in these places where it is so common, or is it because when violence happens to white middle class people more similar to myself I have a stronger sense of empathy? I'm really torn.

punch me

:: 2005 22 June :: 11.35 pm

If I were a VH1 show featuring The Silliest Song Moment Ever, I think I would choose that moment in Paula Cole's song "Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?" when she sings, "I am wearing my new dress today, but you don't but you don't even notiiiiiiiiiiiice meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee."

Also, why aren't The Cardigans still around?

1 black eye | punch me

:: 2005 8 June :: 5.30 pm

I just fell asleep in the hammock outside and I dreamed that every single boyfriend I've ever had showed up at the same party. It was highly uncomfortable. Actually, I think that there were guys there who I've had crushes on too. Basically every awkward element possible, including me being on a date with my boyfriend AT the party and trying to keep him from realizing what was going on.

hilarious the way my mind works while on stress.

punch me

:: 2005 26 May :: 4.22 pm

Now Introducing: My Guilty Pleasure Song for the Summer2k5!

Courtney Jaye- Can't Behave

I got eyes in the back of my head
Your halo is turning red
Fooling around, knocking me off my cloud
They're talking about your mischievious ways
Boy it's painted all over your face
Stealing a kiss, mysterious whispers
A thorn in my pride, I'm still by your side

One day, I'm walking away
The tide is gonna turn, I'm gonna find my place
Give me a reason to stay
I wanna be your lover, baby but you can't behave

(Ah ah, mmm mmm)

Remember the days and the Hollywood nights
What happened to paradise
Stolen away, and I can't replace it now
'Cause rumors are flying that I can't avoid
Are they true or am I paranoid
Living like this it's driving me crazy
So make up your mind, your running out of time

One day, I'm walking away
The tide is gonna turn, I'm gonna find my place
Give me a reason to stay
I wanna be your lover, baby but you can't behave

(Ah ah, mmm mmm)

These are all my worries, and please don't make me play the fool
Baby won't you hurry, you don't know what you're gonna lose

2 black eyes | punch me

:: 2005 20 May :: 10.43 pm

idea: someone needs to open a fast food joint targeted specifically towards drunks. i'd call it "hangovers". hangovers will have energy drinks, burgers, fries, burritos (and whatever food that is scientifically proven to help hangovers). when you order hangover meals, instead of a toy, you get a couple of those hangover pills. or condoms.

1 black eye | punch me

:: 2004 26 October :: 3.09 pm

"You know, you're acting like it's so easy. God, you just don't stop feeling things for someone because you start feeling them for someone else."
- Noel

punch me

:: 2004 24 October :: 2.59 pm

It rained today.

Rain, rain, go away
Come again some other day

There's magic in those words, don't you think? Children know the magic that exists in those words. The proof isn't in the clouds parting and the rain leaving. It's in the belief that they will.
There's magic everywhere but sometimes I just forget.
It takes days like today to remind me.
There's magic in the father teaching his daughter how to ride a bicycle at the end of street in front of the spot I park my car when I go running. It was a pink bike with a white basket, white tires and white streamers fastened to white handlebars. It was obvious to me that learning to ride a bike was the father's idea and not the daughters. She pedaled half heartedly while he ran along side her with his hand on the seat yelling 'You can do it honey, just pedal faster." I suppose the father woke up this morning and thought to himself, 'If I rake the leaves fast enough, I'll have just enough time to teach Lisa how to ride a bike before the sky gets dark." By the time I circled back, almost to my car right in front of their house, it was obvious both of them had given up. The little girl dejectedly took off her helmet, letting it fall to the ground as the father rolled the bike towards the garage. I wanted to say "Little girl, don't give up yet. Riding a bike is a magical thing. It's like flying without wings!", but it's not my place to say that. I'm not her father, I'm just a neighbor. I did what neighbors do, I gave her father a smile and a nod and kept trudging down the road.
But the magic is there. It exists in the knowledge that one day I'll be working on a day just like today. I'll have forgotten that magic is real, like I usually do. And out of the corner of my eye I'll see it, a pink and white bike with a magical little girl pedaling furiously, racing up the road with white streamers dancing in the wind. A little girl on her bike who's flying without wings.
And I'll remember.

There is magic everywhere.

punch me

:: 2004 24 October :: 12.51 am

Rap music is the most homophobic genre of music ever. Nowhere else are you able to hear the word "faggot" thrown around so carelessly. You can go to any MC battle anywhere in this country and you're bound to hear one nameless rapper accuse another nameless rapper of sucking cock for sexual pleasure.
I'm not trying to lecture here, I just want you to understand why the following is so funny.
Any instance of inadvertent homosexual innuendo becomes a whole lot funnier when it comes from a culture that is super homophobic.

The following is from Ghostface Killah's song "Run" which also features Jadakiss. The words I'll be transcribing below occur right between the chorus and Jadakiss' verse. The stuff in parenthesis is what I imagine is happening in the studio.

Jadakiss: I might gotta take my shirt off. (Takes off shirt slowly...)

Ghostface: (With a big smile on his face...) YEAH KID!!!! (His pants and boxers fall to the floor)

Jadakiss: (Looks at Ghostface's Iron Man) I like that one! (Unzips his pants and pulls out his Ruff Ryder..)

Ghostface: (Bends over..) Uh huh, go in!

Listen to it for yourself, son! I ain't crazy!
Right here!

Yeah...I don't know what's wrong with me either.

punch me

:: 2004 17 October :: 1.28 am

punch me

:: 2004 16 October :: 1.01 pm

The motor ran
on Saturday night
I took your hand
and I thought everything turned out right
"A one time deal"
you told me the next afternoon
Do you not feel
the things I feel?

Do I have to be so strong?
Do I have to suck it up and move on?
I'm not your first fool but I want to be
your last fool

You don't know it
but you've hurt me
and I can't tell you
cause your silly confidence gets in the way

Do I have to be so strong?
Do I have to suck it up and move on?
I'm not your first fool but I want to be
your last fool

Is love what it's supposed to mean or
am I just trying to keep a crazy drunken scene alive?

Why do you hide behind your words?
I know you cry when you're not heard
Your eyes don't lie
I'm not your first fool but I want to be
your last fool
your last fool
your last fool

punch me

:: 2004 15 October :: 5.03 pm

Today I had two boxes of Milk Duds for lunch. I felt like throwing up. The last time I felt like throwing up this much, I did.
I'm 20 years old and I eat two boxes of Milk Duds for lunch. There are probably five year olds who have a better nutritional sense.

punch me

:: 2004 11 October :: 12.29 am

Do as the chocolate wrapper tells you...

dove chocolates, mmm

punch me

:: 2004 28 September :: 12.10 am

i want somebody who sees the pointlessness
and still keeps their purpose in mind
i want somebody who has a tortured soul
some of the time...

i want somebody who can hold my interest
hold it and never let it fall
someone who can flatten me with a kiss
that hits like a fist
or a sentence, that stops me like a brick wall

do you think i'm asking too much?

punch me

:: 2004 22 September :: 11.58 pm

make it a point to appreciate the life you lead
don't rush the days
you'll wish they stayed for one year later

punch me

:: 2004 6 September :: 12.38 am

I guess I just felt lost today, the same way I have throughout the last week or two. but hey, we all know emily. she'll be over it in no time.

will I?
I mean, I'm not feeling as upset as I'm feeling lost. a little desperate, maybe.
where was I a year ago? or two, or three? I've had this journal for a long time, I figured the easiest way to remember who I am is by reading my past.

this broken city sky
like butane on my skin
and stolen from my eyes
hello Angel tell me
where are you
tell me where we go from here

I remember loving these lyrics. I remember loving a lot of things that I don't care for now.
I do remember being someone else. but it's hard, it's like catching your reflection in a window quickly, just as you pass by. I never liked looking in the mirror.
I guess you can say I'm growing up. but it hurts. I miss a lot of what I used to be.

punch me

:: 2004 28 August :: 1.38 am

so, driving home. I got to thinking. the mind is a sensitive thing. is it not? so if we know this, and we have the most painful amounts of proof to show for it, why are we so rough on our heads? is it because we ignore our obvious signs of pain or is it because we just want to see what we're capable of?
some things are never going to feel good. all things create a link and allow us to learn from even the most forgettable experiences. so, essentially, this is what memory is for. is it not?
so why do we want to forget? why regret?

driving home, every traffic light stopped what it was doing and let me go through. as soon as I would start to break when I saw a red light coming up, it would change to green just in time for me to instead move my foot to the right and continue the gas. it was nice.
I made eye contact with the same stranger three times. that was nice, too.

reminders are everywhere. if you're looking for something, you'll find it. if you can't find it, you'll create it. keep that in mind the next time you're amazed by something. you should have been looking for it earlier.

punch me

:: 2004 12 August :: 12.17 am

in the car ride to the city today during rush hour, we were playing the usual truth or dare. I asked marty and kev what their best memories are, not knowing that exact moment was probably the start of one of my own. I love today and everything I was surrounded by. the rides at the fair, the intense smells of cotton candy and popcorn, the sounds of laughter and parents yelling for their kids to slow down. random strangers smiling at the baby. happy faces of the opportunities people on the carousel. I'm in a general state of awe. awe of nothing specific, I'm in lust with the world.

punch me

:: 2004 11 August :: 12.12 am

here's the deal.

don't forget who you are.

don't lose where you came from.

appreciate where you are in life; at this exact time and moment you could be experiencing something completely different - do you really want that?

take in everything. love something. earn your place.

open your fucking eyes.

punch me

:: 2004 26 July :: 1.20 am

The other day I received a wedding invitation from a girl I knew in kindergarten. She's getting married to some kind of lieutenant. She's a year older than me. And it's just a supposition, but I bet she's pregnant. She has a large family and her parents have a large family and her parents' parents have a large family and so forth. She's also a slut. Her hips don't stand a chance.

I can't ever imagine being married. Ever. And then to have that relationship begin at the age of 19 or 20 seems like some kind horrible life sentence. Divorce is always an option, but most likely I would see that as surrendering. I don't surrender. To add a child to that equation is laughable. My best housewife power is the ability to clean. And surely a baby can't survive solely on knowing that one could eat a gourmet meal on the lid of the toilet. Because in my house you can.

At my age my goals should have something to do with obtaining a hangover every weekend or perfecting my coy flirtations in attempt to win future husband. Instead I spent the entire weekend playing Super Mario Brothers and watching Cable TV. I ignored my laundry and I downloaded illegal music. I danced around the house singing show tunes. I ate cheese on toast for nearly every meal. And most of the time I'm far happier than I should be.

punch me

:: 2004 20 July :: 6.28 pm

one day, I'm going to fall in love with a (drummer) that sees the same things in the sky as I do.

hail storm

we'll go picnic and cloudscape. and roadtrip. and one day, we'll have a girl named eleanor and a boy jakob. or l-o-l-a. a boy named lola, too.

holy cow

we'll go out with bright individuals.

back yard

and fight to protect! and conserve!

snow in july?

and we'll force each other to do things that don't sound fun, but end up decently memorable.

its snowwwinnngggg!

and in the end, ice cream will heal everything.

2 black eyes | punch me

:: 2004 5 June :: 1.26 am

Jesus? Jesus who??
Yesterday a woman called on the phone and asked me if I had known Jesus died for me. (Just for me? Really??? First God's first born, next...the world! Muah ah ha ha!) Then she asked if I had accepted him as my saviour. I said, "yes" quickly and slammed down the phone, all while cursing her and the fact she had made me actually wallk from the sofa to the phone. Now that I think about it, I wasted so many golden opportunities. I shall now live my life in regret.

I have so many good comebacks now. Oh man. Call again crazy Baptist lady! I dare you. Hoorah!

punch me

:: 2004 30 May :: 4.23 pm

I have to say that I am incredibly frustrated. To be honest, I'm unsure how I've made it through the events of this month without being annihilated completely. Really, it's mostly things done by other people. It's mostly things that I have no control over. Though I will admit that I've done some moronic things that have lead to my current state. And I call them moronic not because of what they are, but because I know that they could have been avoided.

1) I trusted someone even though I was told not to.
2) I provoked people with such topics that I knew I shouldn't.
3) I smashed my finger in my door.
4) I read The Catcher In The Rye.
5) I watched Serendipity.

And my number one really wasn't even that horrible. However it happened when I was at a breaking point. You know, The Last Straw. It was The Last Fucking Straw times two million. And I will drink whatever it is that will make me feel better for the moment. Be it tequila or nyquil. And I will listen to music that reminds me of good days. And I will hope that I am being over-emotional and that I can eventually look back on this and hit myself really hard for being so pathetic. However if it wasn't my own fault then I would have to believe it's everybody elses and that most people lack good judgement and are, or choose to be completely ignorant. It would be so much easier to know that it's just me. Because it would be so much easier to fix myself than it would be to fix everyone else in the world. I'm just not up for that.

But. Today I saw a little girl who had an envelope filled with animal shapes cut out from paper and it made me feel sad in a good way. Somehow that makes me feel like I'm not as crazy as I think. Although:

Mom: What? Are you...CRAZY?!?

punch me

:: 2004 25 May :: 1.07 am

I'm making a list of all the bad things that have happened to me this month. It's getting pretty long. I must have done something during the month of April to deserve multiple punishments in the month of May. Strangely, I'm starting to enjoy the rate at which the list is growing. I want to feed it. I want it to fill multiple pages, small font, no margins, and no double spaces. Edge to edge. Top to bottom. All bad things, all of which have happened to me. And when I'm done, I like to think that somehow I can trade it in for something really good. Like a bag of guacamole flavored chips. Or an X Box. Yeah.

Of course, this is not how things are done outside the musings of my mind. I have a feeling that I'm going to have another bad day, followed by another bad day. But I'm paranoid now. When something bad happens, you learn to watch your back. You use your compact mirrors to see around corners. You look around so much that people think you have a nervous twitch. And you do. But it's unavoidable and now I wear it all like a charm on a bracelet.

I like to carry my list with me wherever I go. I would show people, but they wouldn't understand. Me against whatever it is against me. They're winning, I'm losing, and all I want is an X Box god damnit.

punch me

:: 2004 19 May :: 2.56 pm

Just call me up, I'd know what to say.

punch me

:: 2004 15 May :: 12.36 pm

And she wants someone to see her
she needs to hear she's beautiful
she's beautiful

I want to save you
I want to save you
I need you
to save me too
I want to save you

And she won't sleep
she won't sleep
and she won't sleep at all

punch me

:: 2004 1 March :: 4.12 pm

"I think the only reason we die is because we accept it as an inevitability."
-a friend's 12 year old brother

So, I was in the Student Union today and a friend of mine came over and asked if I could hang out with her brother for a few minutes while she had a meeting with her advisor. He had a bad cold so he couldn't go to school. So we're talking, and I knew their dog had died last month so I told him I was sorry to hear about it and we just started talking about death, which is kind of morbid and stuff but he seemed comfortable with it. Then he said the above quote and it seriously just stopped me in my tracks. I don't know. It just seemed really profound coming from a 12 year old.

punch me | Random Journal