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:: 2004 22 March :: 9.17 pm
:: Mood: so many things i dont know how to explain it
:: Music: The Verve - Bittersweet Symphony

Unexplainable
there are things that i just have no explanation or answer to and there are things that i regret and things i dont. there are things that i miss and things that i would love to forget. there are things i am going to miss and things that arent even gone yet that i still have found a way to miss. i am fully here again, here in this state of depression and reconcile on the past and now that i am back i cant stop thinking about how things used to be before i met so many people or things. i have such a hard time with letting things go and forgetting things people have done. i always find a way to fogive but no matter what you will do or say i will never be able to forget. i hate this about me. there are so many things that i just want to forget so i can be happy again and so i dont have to worry about making others happy or making others want to talk to me and forgive me for screwing up. but see there is another thing no matter what i do i always seem to screw something up and it drives me insane. i dont think i can handle being here anymore i want to get away, get away from it all and everything and everyone. i want to think about my problems for once and not try and make someone feel better about their problems. i am tired of making so many other people trying and busting my ass to try and make them that way when it puts me further into the "depths of depression and suicide." i know i cant leave and i cant get away from this place, because even though suicide is such a good way out, i cant kill myself because its not that bad yet. i dont have anything to kill myself over and it would just make everyone know for a fact that i am an insecure person and that i am a coward and am just looking for an easy way out but thats what i need right now, an easy way out, something that i dont have to spend all my money on and something that i can manage with something i already own. maybe i am taking this too far but when i read things it makes me feel like a dumb ass for feeling the way i do because i see that everyone else is so happy and they can right about boyfriends and girlfriends when i sit here by myself writing about the words that rush through my brain at an uncountable rate. but whats funny is that none of the words and phrases that run through my head make me want to smile or be happy and none of them make me want to forget about the past, they all are the past and wont go away. the memories are burnt in my brain and have left a scar that is unremovable. there is a quote by mark twain that i ended up having to write a paper on and how it relates to me. the quote is "everyone is like a moon in which they have a dark side which they never show to anyone." how incredibly welll does that fit me and the things i feel and how i handle myself. it is amazing how someone that lived long ago can make a statement that can hold true so long in the future. i have written enough depressing words for one entry so bye for now.

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:: 2004 22 March :: 9.17 pm
:: Mood: so many things i dont know how to explain it
:: Music: The Verve - Bittersweet Symphony

Unexplainable
there are things that i just have no explanation or answer to and there are things that i regret and things i dont. there are things that i miss and things that i would love to forget. there are things i am going to miss and things that arent even gone yet that i still have found a way to miss. i am fully here again, here in this state of depression and reconcile on the past and now that i am back i cant stop thinking about how things used to be before i met so many people or things. i have such a hard time with letting things go and forgetting things people have done. i always find a way to fogive but no matter what you will do or say i will never be able to forget. i hate this about me. there are so many things that i just want to forget so i can be happy again and so i dont have to worry about making others happy or making others want to talk to me and forgive me for screwing up. but see there is another thing no matter what i do i always seem to screw something up and it drives me insane. i dont think i can handle being here anymore i want to get away, get away from it all and everything and everyone. i want to think about my problems for once and not try and make someone feel better about their problems. i am tired of making so many other people trying and busting my ass to try and make them that way when it puts me further into the "depths of depression and suicide." i know i cant leave and i cant get away from this place, because even though suicide is such a good way out, i cant kill myself because its not that bad yet. i dont have anything to kill myself over and it would just make everyone know for a fact that i am an insecure person and that i am a coward and am just looking for an easy way out but thats what i need right now, an easy way out, something that i dont have to spend all my money on and something that i can manage with something i already own. maybe i am taking this too far but when i read things it makes me feel like a dumb ass for feeling the way i do because i see that everyone else is so happy and they can right about boyfriends and girlfriends when i sit here by myself writing about the words that rush through my brain at an uncountable rate. but whats funny is that none of the words and phrases that run through my head make me want to smile or be happy and none of them make me want to forget about the past, they all are the past and wont go away. the memories are burnt in my brain and have left a scar that is unremovable. there is a quote by mark twain that i ended up having to write a paper on and how it relates to me. the quote is "everyone is like a moon in which they have a dark side which they never show to anyone." how incredibly welll does that fit me and the things i feel and how i handle myself. it is amazing how someone that lived long ago can make a statement that can hold true so long in the future. i have written enough depressing words for one entry so bye for now.

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:: 2004 21 March :: 8.20 pm

birthday
well its finally over. thank god lol. i dont really feel like making one of those heart renching journal entries so this is just gonna be what i did entry lol. so all day saturday i cleaned and stuff for the party and then the party started at 730 til 10. it was pretty fun some pretty gay stuff happened though that pissed me off. for one stef wasnt able to come but that didnt piss me off because something really serious happened at her house that made her not be able to come and if you read this stef i love you so much! then carly called a girl named amy and she was like u didnt invite me and i was thinkin partially because no one wants you here but its not that i dont like her we are just more of aquantances so whatever. then we sat around for a while and watched tv and waited for people to show so we could do the cake and icecream thing. and then after that my wonderful best friend, not really on saturday night though, frankie along with a friend ross to "kaneans house" and actually went on a little walk to cloud 9. then they came back, smelt like shit, and i took care of them and kinda was mean but i dont care cause it was such and asshole thing to do. "oh yea ryan we are gonna go to kaneans house lol real quick is it kool" "yea sure frankie why not." but whatever i dont care anymore. and then we sat around downstairs for a little while more and me and mary vance finally got to talk again so that was nice. it didnt really make me too happy what we talked about cause it was the topic of alex. she decided not to show to the party cause she probably felt like given ben head more than just hangin out wwith friends but thats ok i guess we wont really know a difference when she moves. then somethin that i screwed up on was with my friend lindsey whom i am so sry for doin this to. she called mal's cell and then it made me remember that i had forgotten to invite her during the day on saturday and so i called her back and she ended up bein at ms. connors house and what really hit hard was that she turned to ms. connor and said "my best friend didnt even invite me to his birthday." and it just made me feel like such a bad friend and yet again if u read this lindsey i am really sry. so then after that happened brian showed up late which kinda bothered me because before he came people were like "yea he told me he ... MIGHT come to ur party" so that made me kinda pissed but i didnt care because by that time i was so fed up with stuff i was like fuck him lol but i love you brian and i am glad u showed up. then we had little massage sessions and everyone was just lounging around and stuff so it was a good time. then today i just did some chores around the house and then my family came over and we had a little cook out thing. then after everyone left my dad proceeded to call me into the kitchen and took like 250 dollars of my birthday money, 50 going in my bank account and 50 going to my iTunes acount, but the rest was going to go into his bank account to pay for part of my parents birthday present to me. so if u think about it i actually paid for part of his present to me which is pretty ghetto cause i know they wouldnt ever do that to my brother but its ok cause now i dont have money for other people to mooch off of me so its all good. but although it might not sound like it i had a pretty good weekend and birthday. thanks everybody for making it interesting its been fun.

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:: 2004 21 March :: 3.53 am
:: Mood: worried
:: Music: Blindside - Shekina

Dear Lindsey,
Bud you are one of the greatest and most loyal friends I have and last night when you called mal's cell phone it hit me that I had forgotten to envite you earlier that day to my house for my birthday that night and when you turned to chelsea i heard you say "my best friend didnt even envite me to his birthday" and when i heard u say that its like a bomb landed and i felt so horrible. i know i must have hurt your feelings and i am so sry. i will do anything to make it up to you just ask. Lindsey i love you so much and am so sry for what i did i know i messed up. hopefully you will forgive me and we will be good again. talk to you later.

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:: 2004 20 March :: 3.26 pm
:: Mood: disappointed

disorders
HASH(0x891d0d0)
dependent


Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla

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:: 2004 20 March :: 10.47 am
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: Trapt - Echo

Stuck here in a place with no door to escape
this is the year

weíre falling out

falling fast

falling apart

this is the time

we never thought would come

(someone save us quick)



never imagined

it this way

didnít know something

I loved

Could hurt me so much

Made some mistakes

But nothing that

Could break us-

But you-

You broke us.

(please someone help us now)



waited around

not willing to let it go

to let it fall

to let it slip away

but my dear friend

-and no offense-

this pain I feel

stabs me

in my back

and I decided

best friends

donít carry knives



didnít mean to make you cry

from my stupid

immaturities

guess growing up

comes with some petty

screwed up choices

but I also thought

part of your job

was forgiving and forgettingÖ

but in that guess

I was wrong

You only left me behind.

(someone take this hurt from me)



didnít think

I could go on without you

But now I see

Everything so clear

Iím making it on alone

Just fine

However my life

Will never be the same

Without you near



But it was your choice

What you wanted

So I guess itsí what you need

At that

Iím leaving you alone

You seem to be

Okay without me

Thought I meant

More to you

But youíve proven

Different

Yeah it hurts

But I can cope

If this is what you want



cause all I really

care about is

how you feel

what you want

and how youíre making out

well you look happy

and that makes me smile

so Iíll smile

from a distance

(if only you felt how I feel now)



because now I realize

this is the year

weíre falling out

falling fast

falling apart

(only god can save us now)

this is the time

you leave me behind

donít worry-

itís nothing

I havenít felt beforeÖ


Lindsey wrote the song/poem above and i am actually taking the time to read her journal for the first time, from beginning to end. Lindsey is a friend that means so much to me yet we dont hang out that much anymore and she has such a wonderful way of writing poems and such that they can get you wrapped up in them even if you have never experienced nothing like it. It sux how things can fall apart and when I read this poem it makes me think about all the things that i love in my life that are falling apart, maybe for the best but probably not. bye for now

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:: 2004 20 March :: 10.47 am
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: Trapt - Echo

Stuck here in a place with no door to escape
this is the year

weíre falling out

falling fast

falling apart

this is the time

we never thought would come

(someone save us quick)



never imagined

it this way

didnít know something

I loved

Could hurt me so much

Made some mistakes

But nothing that

Could break us-

But you-

You broke us.

(please someone help us now)



waited around

not willing to let it go

to let it fall

to let it slip away

but my dear friend

-and no offense-

this pain I feel

stabs me

in my back

and I decided

best friends

donít carry knives



didnít mean to make you cry

from my stupid

immaturities

guess growing up

comes with some petty

screwed up choices

but I also thought

part of your job

was forgiving and forgettingÖ

but in that guess

I was wrong

You only left me behind.

(someone take this hurt from me)



didnít think

I could go on without you

But now I see

Everything so clear

Iím making it on alone

Just fine

However my life

Will never be the same

Without you near



But it was your choice

What you wanted

So I guess itsí what you need

At that

Iím leaving you alone

You seem to be

Okay without me

Thought I meant

More to you

But youíve proven

Different

Yeah it hurts

But I can cope

If this is what you want



cause all I really

care about is

how you feel

what you want

and how youíre making out

well you look happy

and that makes me smile

so Iíll smile

from a distance

(if only you felt how I feel now)



because now I realize

this is the year

weíre falling out

falling fast

falling apart

(only god can save us now)

this is the time

you leave me behind

donít worry-

itís nothing

I havenít felt beforeÖ


Lindsey wrote the song/poem above and i am actually taking the time to read her profile for the first time, from beginning to end. Lindsey is a friend that means so much to me yet we dont hang out that much anymore. It sux how things can fall apart and when I read this poem this morning it just made me think about all the things that i love in my life that are falling apart, maybe for the best but probably not. bye for now

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:: 2004 12 March :: 11.22 am
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: Conversations - "I dont know the band"

Conversations
It is so strange how every conversation that people have, whether it be face to face with someone, on the internet, or on the phone always has an ending. It may be that a subject is brought up and once you say a few things about it there is nothing else to say. Other times it may just be saying goodbye. But, there are some conversations you find yourself never wanting to end. The conversations that you find yourself saying goodbye to something you dont want to let go, or the conversation that begins something that ends in a goodbye conversation that you dont want to end to avoid the goodbyes. Maybe i am jusyt caught up in some random thoughts about conversations and how they come to ends and are forgotten and then pointless. But the reason i wrote this entry is there are conversations that i have had that have changed my life, conversations that i still remember every word to, conversations that dont just come to a random end and conversations that arent just pointless and forgetable. I hope that i will always remember these few conversations i have had because when you think about them they can change your outlook on things depending what they were about when you think about them. Conversations are great especially the unforgetable ones. dont take them for granted because the day that you cant have a conversation with a person who normally supplies you with the best conversations ever, you wont know what to do or say and end up just sitting there in silence. but then again that may be the signal that it is time to move on and fine a replacment but for some thats to hard of a concept to do. bye for now.

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:: 2004 5 March :: 11.20 pm
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: Trapt - Echo

Why do new beginnings have to start with tragedy?
It seems like every time i get to a new point in my life, whether good or bad, it always seems not to last. Why can't my happiness last and i see other people that have been happy for months and probably will be for a few more. But no matter what, no matter who you are, there will always be something to happen that gets you off your pedistole and back down into the depths of depression and suicide. When i say sucide i don't mean literally killing yourself, I mean to put yourself through torture everyday thinking about things that are never going to change, and you are killing yourself with the depression. There was one happening that I haven't talked about very much and only a few people know about, and that is my grandpa's new diagnosis. He is going to die this month (march) and for some reason I am constantly getting a feeling that he is going to pass away around my birthday. We found out not too long ago that he has cancer in his bones which can't be healed with radiation or kemo. When we first heard he had a very short time to live i was knocked to the floor off my small pedistool of "hapiness". Actually i don't even know if it was happiness becasue the whole time i was questioning relationships with people here and people who soon wont be. And during my time of "happiness" that wasnt really happy, i wasnt thinking of my grandpa and him leaving for good, and now that he is soon i know that all the time i have with my friends should be used wisely and to our advantages to make more memories because they last forever and we need as many good ones as we can get. And once i heard about my Grandpa passing away soon it made me think of another person thats really really important to me that is moving away at the end of the school year. Alex Hall-Ruiz was the girlfriend that i had the relationshiop people wanted to have with someone. I said that i was over her and that it was a good thing but now that i feel like i need someone my feelings have kinda returned at least to the point where i miss her so much its crazy. I was thinking about it tonight when i was at Carly's and out on her dock with everyone and all i could think about was alex and why she wasnt here spending the time she has left here with her friends and people that care about her instead of spending every possible chance with only two people, Leigh and Ben. I guess it doesnt make sense to me why we dont use our time to our advantage, but then it hit me that spending time with her might only make me happy and make her annoyed or uncomfortable or jsut bored or something, because it seems like every passing day we grow further and further apart. i guess we will just see what happens in the end.

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:: 2004 9 January :: 6.36 am
:: Mood: letting go
:: Music: Mid April Romance - Juliana

A new chapter
About four days ago i noticed something different. it felt weird to be at school and to see alex and sit at lunch with her and seeing her and ben together. the thing is it wasnt weird because i was uncomfortable, it was weird because i think i have moved on. since around august 25th or something of 2002 i have like alex. thats a really long time and i think i am finally done with my loosing streak. its strange to say i dont like alex anymore because i have for so long and it seems like that is just the right thing to do but now i really am moving on. i realized that something was different last saturday though but i kind of dismissed it and didnt think about it. and then as i kept feeling the same weird feeling i thought about it more and more and then i saw alex and it was just kind of like "oh hey there she is now i can go somewhere else." it was like i didnt need to be around her like i wasnt trying to get her to like me again becuase i didnt like her and thats when it hit me. so this whole week i have been so happy almost like i came out of accoma and am alive again. but whenever i am alone and just think about her i start thinking that it might be a bad thing that i dont like her anymore. well not a bad thing but kind of a sad thing. after liking someone for so long and then one random day wake up and not feel the same way and just feel like really good friends is a little sad but at the same time not liking her lifted this huge weight off my shoulders and i was happy almost instantely. now when i am around her and ben i kind of just sit there like everyone else does and it doesnt bother me. its great to feel like all i want to be with her is friends when i know all she wants to be is my friend. a few days before new year alex said to me that this really was going to be a new year and there were gonna be changes. i guess she was right. please anyone and everyone who reads this i would like you to leave a comment about what you think and if u dont have a thought about it then just dont leave one(and leave ur name with the comment please).bye for now.

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:: 2003 28 December :: 11.47 am
:: Mood: worried
:: Music: American Hi_FI - The Art of Losing

Blue Eyes
whats wrong with small imperfections? i dont underdstand why everyone longs to live in a perfect world when there will always be something wrong that happens. it could be a girl that wrecks a few months in your life but before that gave you 8 months of pure happiness up to the very last minute and second. there could also be one imperfection about yourself that you think makes you you but someone else longs to get rid of. its crazy how other people want to make someone else perfect for them. people should just be left alone and decide who they want to be. who cares if i have blue eyes or if the next guy to come along has green. they still may hold some of the same stories within them. blue eyes has changed though. i have many nex experiences and thoughts and feelings locked within the blue sea of my eye that may never be seen unless you unlock them. there was one point in time where you didnt have to open a lock to know me you just did and now we have distanced ourselves from eachother quite some distance and i have chained and locked my secrets. but truthfully my journal is a way to let a small part of blue eyes visible to everyone who wants to know my heart's aches and pains and a few laughs inbetween. this is to you, alex, when i think of you all of our fights and arguments do not come to mind all the time. most recently when i think of you i smile, just remembering the good times that we had, which there were tons, and just knowing that they will be mine until i let them fade away which i know will never happen until i fade away. i think i am slowly losing myself though. i think that what i was at the beginning has gone away and only a small part remains. i hope that small part we be brought back to the surface and i can become myself once again. who knows it might be when i move or when alex does but hopefully it will happen before i die. i will find myself and i believe that when i can have a certain person back in my life i will be a lot of the way back because that person makes up a huge part of me and my life. but there will always be the day i will lose her again and that will probably be the day i lose myself for good or until our next meeting. i hope things arent like they are now when i do loose her forever because then who knows when i will be me again.

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:: 2003 21 December :: 8.52 am
:: Music: Thursday - Brought to you by a Falling Bomb

sitting in the chair that started it all
This Thursday i spent my night over at Amanda's house with a lot of people whom I haven't hung out with in a long time and one new face. I really think i needed that time away from my neighborhood and the craziness that goes on here. It was so funny when Danielle(frankie's sister) got home from school on thursday @ like 4 and she came in and Frankie and her started like screaming at eachother and then she started screaming at all his friends to get out. it was craziness. lol. so it was good to get away from it all for a few hours. But while I was at amanda's house i went and sat on the chair that started me and alex. it was the first time we had ever seen eachother outside of school, when things were so easy and not complicated. we went and sat on that little chair thing with eachother and just sat there and thats what it was all about just being there with eachother. there wasn't any making out or any of that, just being with eachother and being comfortable and happy. it was so weird to sit on that chair without her because I haven't been back to amanda's since we broke up and all these memories just rushed over me. like the time when me and friend and alex were all jumping on the trampoline and I was fell down and then stef fell down and her butt landed right on my face. i screamed she laughed and rolled on the floor because it was so funny and alex was the last to fall down laughing. funny memories like that can make my day totally better no matter what. but then carol was reading journals on freeopendiary.com and i said that i wanted to read yours because i had previously only read like one entry. i wish i would have read your journal earlier to know exactly what you were thinking and how you felt so you could still be mine but i had a good oportunity come my way and i let it pass me by. i'll learn next time. Lucky numbers: 4, 8, 10, 13, 41, 42.

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:: 2003 14 December :: 9.11 am
:: Mood: you hold the pieces to me broken heart - crushed
:: Music: n'sync - girlfriend remix

all for nothing
i have found out that i have been doing this all for nothing. i have been putting myself through all this crap everyday for nothing just to watch you move on with someone else and have a different life. why couldnt you just tell me. i told you i needed to know but for some reason you still couldnt come up with the balls to tell me the truth to tell me that in your comment when you said "we have become best friends" you meant it and that thats all we are now. you couldnt come up with the courage to tell me it wont happen again because you were probably scared of what i had to say back and that "no matter what you will always have feelings for me cause i was your first love" but what are those feelings if they have changed. they really dont mean shit. who cares if you just want to be my friend i have plenty of those and the reason i held on to you was because you were more than just my friend you were my love and you still are because my feelings havent changed and they never will but like u said i should know when it is time to move on and i know that now is the time. goodbye forever.

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:: 2003 10 December :: 6.50 am

random thoughts and questions that will never be answered (this is an entry that i am gona keep adding stuff to)
If heartaches had wings i would have soared away a long time ago.

I really do think you have changed your mind about us. I think I am standing on the sideline to a game that has no hurt players. Yet...

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:: 2003 6 December :: 10.17 pm

mall
i went to the mall with brian tonight and we had the best time. this chinese guy put this toothpick with chicken in brians face and was like "u want chicken?! u want chicken?!" it was really funny though. i also got this awesome wallet with a chain there too. oh and today i spent 6 hours at the bowlin alley doin the saturday mornin league and workin it was fun though. brian patrick lindsey(LindseyEthatsMe - her journal on woohu) and me were all workin today. it was fun

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