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Futile Fluctuations in Time

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:: 2004 5 September :: 2.35 pm

Throughout my life I have wanted to be many things: mother, translator, marine biologist, ichthyologist, tour guide, doctor, teacher, massage therapist, writer, radio broadcaster, t-shirt designer, designer, midwife, and whtever else I am forgetting.

I know I want to be a teacher in th long run, however I would like to have some life expirience ahead of time. I want to help people and I want to major in Spanish. The only things I can think of are English as a second language classes. That's not enough though.

I want to do something that really helps people. That helps the community. Something that will make me feel like a waste of space and resources to the world.


The other day I went over to my neighbor Kathy's house and her sister Karen was babysitting her 2 nieces and nephew, along with her 2 year old twin daughters. She seemed exahausted so I just stayed around to help out.


I later started thinkign abouyt how hard it must be for Karen, probably in her late 20's early 30's, a single mom without a job, and living with her parents. I thought of how hard it must be to even think about getting a job when you have full resposibility of caring for your two children. I told Kathy to tell her sister I would babysit the twins for free whenever, as long as I had a couple days notice.

Then I started thinking about how many youngle single moms I know that struggle everyday of their lives, betsey, erica, soon to be kerri and rachael, karen. There are so many.


I have such a wonderful idea in my head now i want to burst

:: 2004 5 September :: 2.10 pm

A world of uncertainty, we live in. All our lives we try to fit puzzle pieces together. The unfortunate part is that all those puzzle pieces, are from different puzzles, all scrambled together. Life can be so confusing and frustrating, sometimes my body just aches from the overload of insincerity.

When this happens most turn to our individual or theological Divinities. I don't know about others, but the Divinity helps keep me centered and is constant reminder to me that no matter how alone, overwhelmed, and unconnected with my fellow human being I feel, I am a part of something bigger. A cliche at least and a general truth at best, there is something inside of me, a part of me that connects all humans, animals, matter in the universe and further, together. This something I speak of, is everything.

So no matter much shit I go through, I know that there's something that means so much more than anything I could ever expiriece. And that there, is a sobering thought. The closest we can ever get to that expanding, glorious Divinity, is the feeling and inspiration of awe.

:: 2004 2 September :: 10.25 pm

a thick warmth of heat puts pressure on my skin and encompases my mind. I forget, as the soft cushions beneath me... consume me. A haze washes over my eyes and i drift away. Hypnotized by the soft breath escaping my mouth, I have yet to realize it is my own. I begin to feel a sensation, almost as if my brain is low on oxygen or seduced by narcotics. My fingers, I'm noticing them... how they feel. I feel the numbness begin to detach them from body, my legs, my arms. all i feel is the dull oscillation of my weakening heart.

i am de facto, no more

:: 2004 30 August :: 3.11 pm

Long day. I am exhausted.

and now i have to go to work.

shakespeare or applied architecture?
shakespeare or applied architecture?
shakespeare or applied architecture?
shakespeare or applied architecture?
shakespeare or applied architecture?
shakespeare or applied architecture?

i just don't know.

zero hour has to go


:: 2004 26 August :: 11.02 am

I am just going to say

"I exist as I am, that is enough"
-Idont Remember

:: 2004 22 August :: 11.41 pm

oh and another one of my cousin's is pregnant...

she's a little older than keri (17) at 19 or 20 but... i feel like i should be getting pregnant just to fit in with the family.


:: 2004 22 August :: 11.34 pm


4 new bras, 5 new unders, one new pair of boots ^___^

Okay so an update.

I feel like i have re-established a friendship with my dad and my mom.

I decided how much I find Mikey unattractive, so it made everything a little less fun.

I am quitting my work tomorrow. Giving two weeks notice. I hope it's not as difficult as I know it will be.

I don't know Aj's last name >_<

my computer was being dumb yesterday..

I am having the longest heaviest period of my life right now.

My view of humanity has officially come back to normal

Mists of Avalon is a great book yay!

i miss kahli

and john
and derick
I am excited about school.I still might need some sort of back pack but we'll see

I am exhausted so this is a pretty unintelligent entry.

I saw a pretty dress at the store...
and a pretty hippy boy

Rachael comes back tuesday.

and i am going to read.
the end

oh yeah and my class schedule

1-multi cultural lit
2-ap euro
3-spanish 4... or sociology
4- sociology ..or spanish 4
6-ap lit

:: 2004 20 August :: 3.16 am

I have never felt so awful in my entire life as i have felt tonight. Knowing the person that I hold so high in my mind is absolutly miserable... it just makes me feel....just awful. I need to sleep before i go into hysterics again. Please don't comment on this. please

:: 2004 20 August :: 2.11 am

I was feeling great! wonderful! I am so upset, I don't even know where to start...

SO upset with... everyone i don't know, myself, my dad, seth... just arg! mostly myself i guess.

I sat hear the other night contemplating what I truly care about. Then I go out and socialize. I honestly wouldn't even casll it socializing!

let me start from the beginning. I haven't spent time with Seth lately so i was going to meet him at Discussions. He called and said he would be there later. SO i hung out with Kyle and talked, I really enjoy Kyle. He is a very wonderful person. Derick called and asked me to go to the sneak of Garden State with him. I wanted to, but i told seth i would meet him there (wrong decision #1), so kyle went instead, which was fine. Then Seth came right when i realized the uber interesting wonderful Max was there. I said i and talked while becca and jason got drinks, but then i left with them as planned (mistake #2). We went to yesterdog, morningstar in east town then the other morning star.I wouldn't have minded if we had talked.. at all about anything worth talking about. we went back to discussions and sat by two people.. so let me refresh there are 6 people sitting at this table.. doing absolutley nothing... not even talking... for 15 minutes. So I feel like pieces of me were just wasting away.

I guess I am not really upset with Seth so much as myself, for building an image of him that wasn't realistic. I used to be so comfortable around him and we'd have fun. yet now i feel like if i say i don't like listening to death cab for cutie that he will just decide to not be my friend anymore. He makes me feel like he doesn't even like me. Whenever I try to talk about something that interests me i feel as if no ones listing to me, or I feel like an idiot for even bringing it up. I don't mean to trashj on him at all. I just don't know what hje is thinking or feeling ever. He just shuts down whenever i try talking to him. When i feel he's troubled and ask him about it he says he's fine. I just wish he would talk to me and know that i wouldn't judge him by what he told me. I feel so distant from him, as if we just met a week ago. I don't know...

So i left to go home feeling unacomplished and a little dissapointed in myself. I walk into my room and remember what had happened earlier. i stubbed my toe on my closet door and it fell off. This is where i started laughing hysterically. the other door doesn't even work so it is always open... so back to when i got home

my dad was sitting on the couch and lada lada i remembered about my door. i thought my dad would find it funny, and i just wanted to let him know that the door fell off and what i was thinking about doing about it. So it's a commercial and i tell him my door fell off and i was going to take them both down and but in a drape, but before i finish he gets all huffy and was like " fine i will get up and look at it!" wtf?

"no dad its okay i just wanted to.." "look i'm going you can stop bugging bme about it"

so now i am getting upset because he is not listening to me and he is being dumb. so i had to change my tone to be more powerful " Dad, go back and sit down i was just telling you about what i was planning on doing"

So he sits down and starts complaining that i was bugging him while he was watching the olympics. this is the point where i remind him that it was a commercial break. So he's starts getting upset, because i was scolding him, yelling at him? and so i was just trying to get him to talk to me like he used to... God i went down stairs and cried. He's so vacant when i talk to him, like he's not even there. I remember when he would really thak to me. He can't be serious he wants to turn weverything into some kind of not even funny joke just so there will be no conversation. I just want my daddy back. I don't know what happened, it's like he just turned off the part of his mind that cared. that cared about his family, God, living. He's so unhappy and I know it. I don't know what to do. i just want to... i want him to be happy and care. He's just given up...

I am upset with myself. no i am just frustrated with living at this moment. chaos. i just need to talk with people who inspire me. i just want to i don't know... i probably just need to sleep arg

God i was just talking about how i should start to make my life better. I will it just got off on a rough day

:: 2004 19 August :: 3.02 am
:: Music: friona apple

Dear Amanda,

I felt it was time we had a heart to heart. I know it's hard and that you have been avoiding this for a while now, but it is something that needs to be done.

You are becoming lazy, no you are lazy and you are letting it expand into areas of your life that harm you. What happened to the motivation you once had in school? You had Senioritus last year, what's to come of you this year.

its 2 GO To bed!
wake up, finish your room, take a bike ride, finish laundry, clean the bathroom and go to work. what is so god damn hard about that? especially when you know you will feel more fulfilled at the end of the day. That you will feel like a better person if you don't through that paper in the trash. You make excuses saying "its too hard", or "i can control other people's actions". No you cannot control whether or not your parents recycle or your friends. but YOU can, you have, you did, and it worked fine. what stopped you? you became too lazy, that's what.

Honestly what does being social do for you? not much, i mean go on and meet all the people you want so long as you maintain your abilities to recycle, do well in school and at work.

why haven't you applied for college yet? you know what one you want, don't you? I thought you had your small heart set on MSU, or have you changed it yet again? and what about massage therapy do you really want to do that?

WHat do you want from life? what do you want to do?

i know what you want. you want a family, you want to be a teacher, you want to travel and live and hike, you want love and happiness, adventure and awe. You want to write plays, and help foreigners in our nation, you want to work in the peace corp.

so what are you doing now that will help you achieve this small glimpse of what you have in mind for the future?

What was that? Don't cry or be ashamed just fix it. Everyone strays sometimes.

Care about your education, put all your effort into any clubs you are a part of instead of sitting around doing nothing. Read, exercise, love, challenge, thrive, breathe, focus, learn, drain, expand, open, forget, move, busy, nap, dream, chase, catch, do all you need to do to be all you want to be. It sounds easy but its not, at least not at first. You have been this focused before, but it changed somewhere along the line and you started to drift from what you love.

Forget about guys, what does it matter? You are probably not going to meet anyone for a while that you would be willing to date. All the guys in the past half year or so, how many did you really care about? huh? as i suspected, none. so why did it hurt when things went sour? was it the feeling of rejection from drug addicts, alcoholics, and sluts? why feel rejected from people who could not even accept themselves. they abused themselves with their insecurities. Why would you want to be with them, just a cheap shot to feel like your with someone? Don't get upset and emotional everyone wants to feel that there is someone close to them, someone to be intimate with. Yet, you don't need it quite yet no matter how much you think you do.

You have friends and family that would be there for you on a tough day. Fuck and if you really crave to make out with someone, do it. Just remember that a kiss doesn't always mean a person is interested in you.

Remember there are people that are in such horrible positions in the world that whatever you are going through, someone else is feeling a pain even worse. That's why you live. To help those who are not as well off as you are. To raise awareness and really help people.

Who cares if no one remembers your name? What does that matter if you inspire that need to help in another who will in their turn, spread it to someone else.

Remember, you are a part of god, he is a part of you. We are all here working together, forming unities. Each spirit will go back to the earth's divinity, back into the universe. Everything flows together in the chaos that surrounds us. there is a thriving pulse that runs through the stretches of everything on earth, living and non, and then it continues to pulse throughout the universe, because we are all bound in that of one. Whatever name you use it is of no matter, names don't apply to this extreme a force, only emotions and intentions. EVerything balances, a crime comitted against you saves another.

Remember the divinity for always and let it guide you. it wants you to flow with it.

"I exist as I am, that is enough"

please take this to heart amanda, i believe in you, and so do many others. You are alive to help, to inspire. to do that you must stay focused and love. through the hardest and the most tempting of things you must continue without distractions.

please listen, you want to listen and to turn my... your words into actions. Only you can help yourself. You can achieve without someone by your side. you can accomplish without someone waiting at the finish line. you can accomplish, achieve, and succeed without a reward.

i love you, you love you. your family loves you, your friends love you. Not for anything but what you are. Take that love and run with it use it as reassurance and help when you truly need it.

i love you

now get some sleep you have a long day ahead of you ;)


:: 2004 19 August :: 12.25 am
:: Mood: depressed/ amused with self
:: Music: It is its own

For all the pretty ladies out there!
Blood, blood go away
Come again another day.
You bleed through this
you bleed through that
you make me feel so very fat!

Blood, blood go away
come again another day.
You make me cry
you make me sad
Why is it i Feel so bad?

Blood, blood go away
Come again another day.
you make me stink
you make me cry
Sometimes you make me wanna die!

Blood, blood go away
Come again another day.
you give me rage
you give me cramps
I just realized I'm outta tamps.. ::hold last note::

:: 2004 18 August :: 2.59 pm

Here is where i actually attempt to type without looking at the keyboard. ack ack this is horrible. I am distracting myself from cleaning my room. Let me tell you how crappy I am at this... real damn crappy. but hey practice makes perfect. SO all of my entries will be a lot shorter due to the fact that I am making a ton of mistakes. ack ack

the end.

:: 2004 18 August :: 1.28 am

How random is it that derick and I have a locker side by side he's 336 and i am 335 or something like that

:: 2004 12 August :: 12.48 am

a little bit of collumn A a little bit of collumn B
What is your sexual appeal?

brought to you by Quizilla

What is your sexual appeal?

brought to you by Quizilla

:: 2004 10 August :: 1.22 am
:: Mood: giddy
:: Music: lamb what sound

I had a fun day today, for as much as it was awkward and annoying. I think the end was the best...

let me give details

I woke up and felt unaccomplished, unmotivated and worthless. So i decided to take a bike ride. around the block... which is big.
I haven't exercised in too long. i rode down sunfish lake fine and even canonsberg, and part of ramsdell... but then i pushed myself too hard and wanted to vomit. and i kept going because i was bullying myself calling me a lazy ass loser who needs to work harder. finally i stopped once i got to mojos.

I knocked and walked in, her sister was in the living room with a friend. There was loud ghetto rap music coming from somewhere. SO her sister says " she is in her bedroom you can go on in" and her friend snickers... so i go at it with caution. i knock, her sister comes from behind and opens the door. there mojo is half dressed on top of her boyfriend. hmm can i hear an awkward?

so i called her sister a few harsh names all in all summing up her immature self.

so then i hang out with her, ride home and come back with my car after a shower. and they are at it again. (names have been changed to protect the people mentioned above.

I stop by my house because my plan to change at mojo's for work turned sour when i realized my white work shirt just didn't work with my clack bra.

I hadn't had anything to eat and i was runniong a little late, so i stopped at burger king ^_^

SO i drive up and the guy says " can.. I .. interest you in a value..... meal" i thought it was a guy reading from a pamphlet.
"no" i say," i just want the fish fillet"
"are you sure that's all?" he asks
"okay, your total is 2.45. pull up to the second window. Drive safe and avoid the curve"
okay, so i start laughing pretty hard.
i pull up and its this guy Dan that i have had a secret crush on since the beginning of last school year.
He blushes and says hi, he tells me that he likes to joke around sometimes and turns away blushing. returns with my fillet. "would you like some fries... on the house"
i said, "sure"
and giggle to myself. then the condaments question. heheehe.
I love the flirty relationship we have developed... though i rarely see him...

then i went to work in a pretty good mood. But i got there and i was pissy because i am upset with the things i have to do that a waitress just shouldn't have to do. ugh. anyways. it wasn't busy at all i had two tables in the first 30 minutes and one to go. So i filled special sauce and i filled ginger and i filled regular soysauce.then i cleaned. then i sat around. then i did dishes. and was bored. then lee made sushi for the three of us, and i can't deny sushi. so eh.

i got home in a meh mood. i gave my mum a brief backrub, she has been away up north. my garndpappy is sick again some kind of pre- leukimia kind of thing. she was stressed out the whole time.

then i gave my mum a better backrub and a leg massage. I think i am going to become a massage therapist before i go to college or while i am.

i was talking to my sister tonight and then i was talking to josh(she was hanging out with him and melissa{the people she is moving in with next year})and he made me promise i would ask for dan's number and ask him out. so i have two weeks to get his number and ask him out .

he also made me think about the massage and college mix. and told me i would have no problem getting in to msu. i had fun talking with josh, melissa, and my seester. how exciting

drive in movie tomorrow night with a mix of two different groups of friends... i am worried about how that will end up... eek | Random Journal