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Futile Fluctuations in Time

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:: 2004 7 August :: 1.05 pm

Recently decided I wouldn't stop writing anything in my journal because of who would read it... so BE WARNED

i love her so much i am going to explode. Even though i talked with her all the time on the phone, or some of the time. It still seems like it has been forever. we talked all night last night and then when into a giggle fest... we are so weird.

i went to the new meijer, to check it out and get some eats. Then we went Raspberry picking and i have the scratches and the dyed tongue to prove it. ;)

Went to work and wanted to quit... eh


I/ my sister found out that her friend betsey is pregnant again (has two kids). and that she had an abortion with either mikey, Aj, or someone else's kid. Not that any of you know these people but its just dumb. Betsey should get her tubes tied she too young for so many kids. i think she's 22.

Then there is my friend erica with 2 at 17.

i started thinking about it and i know too many people that Mikey has slept with.
I'm glad i don't sleep around, and have vowed to never have sex until i am married to someone, or can see myslelf bearing their child.
I feel like if I have sex before i am married or have a expensive ass ring on my finger, i would be cutting it short with my husband. It's just my opinion for my body, no one else's.

Am I being suckered? I can never tell... I've always liked mikey. He was going to take me out to a movie and pay for me at celebnration that's 8.50$ and he only had 20$ and no job (just moved back form arizona/ joining army). Noi one has ever taken me out on a date before. (it didn't hapen because i am cheap and can't stand the thought of spending 8$ on a potentially horrible movie).

arg i just don't know. the feeling of uncertainty sucks

:: 2004 5 August :: 8.33 am

Mikey came home from Arizona more than a month ago now. I hadn't seen him until recently. I knew he was back but i had lost the feelings I had once had for him, I mean i was 15 and he was what? 19 or 20?

I saw him yesterday, went to his house instead of going to Detroit to pick up my sister. Just seemed like too much of a drive, and good thing I didn't because her flight was delayed 4 hours or something. I felt bad that AJ had to wait that whole time.

I pretty much just visited with Mikey all day. We were just cuddling on the couch. I can only see this all ending in hurt feelings if I invest in it. I know he's not an asshole and that he acts that way around his friend's for some reason. I don't even think most of his friend's are true assholes, not even Jaime. But you are what you believe you are, how you feel about yourself really dictates how you act.

He's joining the army now, along with AJ and i believe Will..So I feel like it's another James situation. Except not gross... Just because he is going to be leaving anyways. When I think about it every single guy I have kissed has never been completly straight, that's kind of a disturbing thing on my part.

I probably shouldn't have stayed as long as I did last night, no use in worrying about it now. At least I have a month-long cuddle buddy.

I also seem to always find guys with Drug/alcohol abuse problems... I don't know why.

Its all very confusing.

I guess its the good girl being attracted to bad guys.


On to other recent events in Amanda's mind.

I am sick of not caring. I stoped being as concerned with the environment. stoped caring so much for school.

Grades don't matter, but application does.

I want to start recycling but i fear no one will participate.. I think that's why i have delayed this so long. My dad never participated my mom rarely did, and i just don't produce as much waste.


I remember when life wasn't confusing. When I wasn't contemplating religion, motives, justice, blah blah blah every second of the day. But i think i like this more. I like thoughts, thinking, learning. So maybe I am just a crack monkey for complaining about something I actually enjoy.


Heard a couple of funny jokes:

____John Kerry might have to pull out his secret weapon the night before election. He just roles one commercial on television with him saying:

"I didn't want to have to do this. But my wife is a part of the Heinz company. and if you don't vote for me tomorrow. well, I am taking away ketchup!"

____ "I really love those Hilton girls, they are really breaking down barriers. Proving rich white girls can be trailer trash too!"

____" You know I really don't have a problem with Illegal immigrants, i mean they come to this country and they do all the crap jobs i'm never going to do, and they pick fruit. If we send them all off, who's going to pick fruit? Us black people have had OUR fill with picking! And no offence but a white person just STANDING in the sun is gonna get cancer"


love you all,

:: 2004 2 August :: 11.31 pm

Let me tell you how much i love ashley krieter

!------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------! (abridged)

i was moppy(mowpy... moupy.. eh i don't know) , sad and sick of myself in general, and she helped me out of the funk. I had such a long sleepy houred conversation with her. I haven't had a great conversation in a long time. The hugs, let me tell you, were fantastic, i needed one of those. she is great! yay

:: 2004 31 July :: 3.07 pm

All of the tips i made this week, gone. $300 Gone

I hate money, i hate everything about it and what it does to people. I worked hard all week, harder than any other week. So i bought a purse, a replacement bathing suit for the one i lost, and three cds equaling about 80$. Oil change $30. Gas $20. food $20. feminine products $10. lamb cd off amazon with free shipping 15$. book off amazon that it didn't tell me i was buying that was on my sisters wish list(and i didn't see until it was too late) $25. Phone bill for the month 84$. money left in Amanda's pocket $0. Gas tank is at 1/4 tank. i wanted to finally go and see a play with my money, have some fun .

i hate money

I just HATE it. I worked my ass off this week, for a phone bill, some cds, and basic needs for a car and a body.

now i have nothing in my pocket. I mean i guess when i think of it it's all right.

I have been working most of this week and probably a lot next week. I will have an awesome pay check. But i only save my paycheck money. I don't spend it. I just was hoping to see a play and maybe go out for dinner tonight. i thought maybe for once i would be able to deposit some of my tips into my bank.

I hate that money has so much power in the world, more power than pride, fear, and justice.

But we don't live in a world or rather country or even ideal society that you can pay with favors.

It smells like Fall today, maybe its just the food my mom is cooking, and the cold of my basement. But i can all ready forsee it coming. The bursting of leaf colors, the smell of squash and pumpkin pie. thanksgiving and family. I really love the fall. Corn yum. Halloween :) the crisp cold clear nights, where the air you breathe in corses through your body filling you with energy.

full moon tonight ^_^

maybe i'll find a star buddy someday

:: 2004 31 July :: 3.26 am

I'm sitting here at three in the morning thinking to myself: What am I doing? What's happening? My legs are crossed while i am sitting in my chair, my elbows on my knees, and my head in my hands. My hair is not grazing my face for the first time today, I notice, as my breathing centers my mind. I can feel that there is not much circulation going into my left foot, and my nose starts to get a little stuffy. Finally, I can relax, with the ghostly song wavering in my head. I think of my day:

Work. stressful. busy. incoherent. negative. sharp. critical. strength.

A women sat at table F, waiting for her husband to arrive and join her for dinner. She looked worried, almost on the brink of tears. I wanted to hug her, but that would be un-profesional. I had to stop thinking of her, and tend to the other tables. Her husband joins her, I bring her a water and him a glass of coke. They order. Let me explain to you that table F is quite near the entrance to the kitchen area, and so overhearing conversations is not unheard of. "When did you find out?" the man asks surprised, "Today," she said. The woman's husband continued, " Have you told anyone?" "Only you" she stiffled. I have their soups ready at this point and bring them out to the table. As i set the bowls down, i notice a pregnancy test showing positive. They are going to have a baby. She is flustered briefly and let's out a nervous, embaraced laugh, " Oh let me just move my..." The husband makes a phone call, " Hi Dad? Are you guys at home right now?" A pause. "well if we stop by at about nine will you be there?" another pause, "Oh we just have something to te-- I have something to drop off." Cleverly he doesn't give away the news with the timeless 'we have something to tell you' bit. She calls her brother to tell him, and then goes on to phone her parents to ask if they can 'stop by' in the morning the next day.

That was probably my favorite part of today.

I also got around to buying 2 Lamb cds and a death cab for cutie cd. Got an oil change and also some pads and tampons.

THe Lamb cd i really want is out of print, i will have to order it off ebay or amazon.

I remember when i was smart

:: 2004 29 July :: 10.27 pm

To be honest i really don't like woohu at all. livejournal has always worked for me. Here every other day i am not allowed to go on my friends page. there's some kind of 'error' it says. what the hell? just pissy in general doesn't matter too much.


so i had confirmation today that though Jaime was legal he was not working legally. Frankly it pisses me off. If the next cook they get is being paid under the table I'm going to go about it like this:

because you guys are good people i will give you a week or two to fix this. other wise i quit and i will have to call the police and get the government involved.

what do you think? is that good? should i add or lose any parts? comments welcome and wanted

:: 2004 29 July :: 1.38 am
:: Mood: shitty

I'm an awful friend... jesus... so awful.

god i want to puke and it wasn't even that bad... who am i kidding it was. he didn't have any money and he drove to shulers anyway arg...

i need sleep

:: 2004 28 July :: 2.47 am

i hit a bird the other day.... :(

i was scared it was a pipping plover...

if it turned out to be one i promised i would edicate my life to birds...

it wasn't

it was a western Sand piper

weight of my shoulders.... and life

:: 2004 28 July :: 2.27 am
:: Mood: jubilant
:: Music: ruby

It all erased heres the 'was meant to be short' version
Jaime is being deported...

i said the funniest thing i have ever said today.

a guy came in and asked for a 'to go' menu i said we didn't have anyleft. he said " well can i just take one of these" grabbing at the 'for here' menus. and i said, " i guess... but i will need your license plate number".... hahahahaha.

... but he didn't laugh... he acted as if i said nothing... whatever his loss of a hearty laugh... damn mummble.... ungratefull...shlummbly


Okay i think i might be going through heat...

Every single man that came in to the restaurant today, was attractive, even if they weren't attractive.

sidenote: holy crap my hair is soft right now

One guy came in and he was pretty tubby, and not all too attractiuve all together. Then he asked if we changed owners and i said, " well no not in the last year and a half." then he replied with, " well i have been in china the passed year and a half". he speaks fluent chinese and was neat. and he gave me a cute compliment. i would have gone out on a date with him had he asked me... then he would have found out my age and decided dating a highschooler probably wouldn't be the best choice and it would have ended.

Then a guy from traverse city came in and was being cute and friendly... then a guy and his girlfriend and he was being cute...and anotehr guy with his girlfriend... then a guy that again wasn't physically attractive... but he was at the same time... anyways i have never heard a softer, thicker, smoother, wonderful sounding voice in my whole life... so i melted every time he spoke... then tom started to look good .

So there is my day of going through Heat!


I feel bad but i like work more now that Jaime is gone... the atmoshpere is better and everyone helps eachother.


I almost got to see Erica today


So sad i can't see anthony and bring in his 17th year with him.


saw derick at discussions during my brake, surprising but good.


my mom tried to make lemon bars... haha.. from a box... haha... and messed up. it was so cute. She mixed the crust like it was the filling and the filling like it was the crust. hehe


I was remembering how much i love john today ^____^ i loveses him so much


might go to a concert with seth saturday... i'm a little apprehensive because he said its 'kind of' a screamy band and i am just not thrilled by the idea


Senior pictures with burt next week


my hair looks... i don't know. i got a lot of compliments today that built me up. but then my mom said one thing and it was shattered... funny how it takes so much to bring someone up and so little to bring them down.


yay for working

love you all

:: 2004 19 July :: 12.49 am
:: Mood: content
:: Music: modest mouse

Last Cigarette:: never a full one
Last Alcoholic Drink:: end of february but hopefully i can change that to this coming friday
Last Car Ride:: 15 minutes ago
Last Kiss:: I just want to pretend like i have never been kissed
Last Good Cry:: thursday, last night
Last Library Book checked out: some bpxcar kids book for the kid i babysit
Last Movie Seen in Theatres:: ai... Anchorman
Last Book Read:: Fully? The Black Swan -Mercedes Lackey. reading now? mists of Avalon
Last Movie Rented:: Love Actually- haven't watched it yet. i kind of wish i had a cheesy booy to watch it with... that's not gay... to clarify things... sorry derick your out
Last Cuss Word Uttered:: crap? as in what the crap? maybe or hell or god damn i started saying that one, it's catchy and fun to say ^_^. OHHHH wait it was asshole, because i was singing one of the songs by modest mouse
Last Beverage Drank:: Frozen Pepsi
Last Food Consumed:: I had a pretzel at the theater
Last Crush:: so not current? umm...probably Josh, that was at the youth leadership conference
Last Phone Call:: let me check...oh my mum, i was asking about sailing next weekend
Last TV Show Watched:: Family Guy, Futurama, or the Aqua teen hunger force... i don't know which
Last Time Showered:: You know I am absolutley disgusting and I don't know. But in about 10 minutes
Last Shoes Worn:: flippity flops
Last CD Played:: Modest Mouse- Good news for people who love Bad news
Last Item Bought:: a drink at discussions
Last Download:: this demo on my cell phone called mystic connection or something of that sort
Last Annoyance:: Derick telling me he doesn't have time to listen to 2 seconds of a song I love after he spent about 15 minutes talking to someone about RENT
Last Disappointment:: last night
Last Soda Drank:: this gross diet rite strawberry kiwi drink... or the frozen pepsi
Last Thing Written:: A bill to give to a customer... or the fooling around with a typewriter
Last Key Used:: car key
Last Word Spoken:: either Bye or Dance Hall
Last Sleep:: this morning
Last IM:: I don't know maybe Seth
Last Sexual Fantasy:: listening to Fiona Apples newest cd while fucking a hot, clean, music-loving, non-druggie, idealistic, democratic, smart, loving, cooking, rubbing, wonderful, sex-lovin' hippy... that i'm married to.
Last Weird Encounter:: a dream i had last night about kissing someone
Last Ice Cream Eaten: chocolate moose tracks yuck;P
Last Time Amused:: my mom cracked me up all day, and my sister called and said 'all of you' which surprisingly sounds like I love you. or maybe when my mom said the mean waitress looked like a squirrel or chipmunk. and i don't know i guess anchorman was amusing sometimes hahaha. yeah that's it the last line where it was telling how they all ended up. and the mentally challenged guy ended up married with twelve kids and was head of some Bush administration... hahaha
Last Time Wanting To Die:: thursday
Last Time In Love:: i don't want to talk about it...
Last Time Hugged:: you know.. i was about to write tonight or this morning or last night... but i am the one who gives hugs... i can't remember the last time someone actually gave me the hug...
Last Time Scolded:: Friday I think,no thursday about getting my senior pictures taken care of
Last Time Resentful:: when Seth through the garbage out the window
Last Chair Sat In:: computer chair
Last Lipstick Used:: chapstick...
Last Underwear Worn:: ohh here comes a slightly long one... okay i went to this garage sale and bought patches for the kids i babysit but driving home i had an idea. So i grabbed a pair of crap underware and ironed on the patch and its so cute... so i'm wearing those... and i am going to buy some colored cheap underware and decorate them ^_^
Last Bra Worn:: uh.. i think this crap one I wear for work last night.
Last Shirt Worn:: my work shirt
Last Webpage Visited:: hahaha i wanted to look up the dictionary definition for resent hehe

:: 2004 17 July :: 10.07 am
:: Mood: bouncy
:: Music: jaime cullum: twentysomething

so here we go:
A. My babysitting job is driving me mad. But my neighbor is awesome so i think it will be okay, (my neighbor is their aunt).

B. I was talking with Erica the last night. She was my best friend in gradeschool. Then she moved away and entered a bad part of her life and now she has a three year old son i believe. and I just learned she has a baby girl now since july 6 i believe, and she's still 16. I miss her a lot, and i still love her a ton. i can't wait to see her and go to the park with her kids ^_^ i am so excited. I do however feel bad that i lost contact with her, i feel like she probably really needed some friends. And i was just to 'busy'. God, a stupid play, clubs, work, and whatever else shouldn't have been enough to create that difference but it was i guess.

C. i love my parents a lot. no matter how mad they make me on occasion i really really love them. They are good people, and they have all ready sacraficed a lot for me.

D. I talked to Jaime about work because i don't want to do anything until i talk to him about how he feels or what he thinks. So he said thathe was only planning on staying for another three months then he was going to move to texas where some of his family lives.

E.Derick wants me to go to the rennaisance festival with him tomorrow in Kzoo, so i am. and i was going to mow the lawn to day but its wet. i have to work tonight and babysit monday morning. No sushi work next week though because we are closed, they are going to california (roll)habit. So i was going to visit my grandma, camp out on her lawn two nights, stay one full day then check out.

F.You know, its funny how in society when you have money you don't have time and when you have time you don't have money... I made this list of things i want to do, but all of it will end up costing money and time. So i think I have to expand them over time. Sometimes i wish i was latin so i could dance all hot and crazy.

G. I miss Ashley and Tracey and Rachael :(

H. Hahaha i just wrote D because the one above was C. and i thought to myself hmm it seemed like i wrote more. then i realized that my alphabet went ABCCDCD

I. Jaime Cullum is cool and I found him before AShley!!!!!!!!!!! Let me esplain myself:
My sister is always introducing me to bands and music and singers. and let me tell you its great! but i never introduce her, it has been my life's goal so far to do so. Two summers ago i thought I had it: JOhn Mayer his first album. She's secluded on a Virginian Peninsula 30 miles off shore, the bridge costs 25$ to cross, I've GOt it. Yeah i went todown to pick her up and as soon as i walked into her little trailer, i hear John Mayer playing from her cd player!!@#$#!! But I have it now Jaime Cullum!!! ha! ::dancing::

J. i get my hair cut and died next saturday. i don't want it to touch my shoulders so, its going to be short. and i was thinking brown hair with red highlights and then like a strip of blond on the red highlight. crazy i know.

K. And i found my senior picture taker. Burt DeWilde because ghe is fabulous at photography and he's cheaper than all the money grubbing proffesionals. yay. i don't know what to wear though and i am not good with make up.

L. how the hell does my dog still smell like skunk ???????????? its been what a month or so?????God its awful.

M. MOney, i have to go deposit my check, yay i have money in my bank now.

N. taking breath:: ________________________________::

O. over thanks for reading if you had the attention span to do so ;)

:: 2004 15 July :: 8.34 am
:: Mood: hilariffied
:: Music: jaime cullum

Yeah i thought this was funny, for multiple reasons
You are Kelly! You are our resident hippy. You wear
tie-dye shirts with sandals and jeans no matter
the time of year. You prefer hugging trees than
dropping bombs, but you only hug one tree in
particular. When everyone gets together to play
Halo, you play along too, but since you dont
really play video games you are more just a
target on the field than anyone to worry about.
But thats ok, we love you anyway, our wonderful
resident hippy. :D

What one of my friends are you (Rockford)? New!
brought to you by Quizilla

:: 2004 14 July :: 1.08 am

Your love is... by ChibiMarronchan
Your name is...
Your kiss is...delicious
Your hugs die for
Your eyes...burn into my heart
Your touch is...irresistable
Your smell is...refreshing
Your smile is...hypnotising
Your love is...unique
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

:: 2004 13 July :: 1.49 am

i talked with adam for about 3 hours it was great. i love him so much, i wish there wasn't so much bad blood between my sister and him...

:: 2004 13 July :: 12.57 am
:: Mood: thankful
:: Music: jack johnson

present considerations of future
A. I found out my work's dirty little secret that i haven't been able to put my finger on. I've been tap dancing around the thought in my head but it gets pushed out as if it wasn't there all the time. in place comes they are good christian people they wouldn't do anything sneaky. Wrong. or so i am told and all the evidence says that they are dirty little christian bussiness owners.

Let me esplane myself lucy:

Jaime: cook at work
i assume he makes minimum wage or better. he works 6 full days a week. i assume he has it pretty made.

yet he complains all the god damn time about how he does all the work and everyone else is lazy. i'm thinking lay off i only make waitress wage with moderate tips, you get a lot of money (based on assumption)

i come to discuss this with an old co-worker and friend of mine. he clears up some confusion for me. He never gets a check from work, which implies that he is paid under the table. which implies that he is not making minimum wage as he should be at very least. all ready sneaky and bad right?
but wait there is more:

They pay for his apartment! do you know what that means? he quits or gets fired, he can't afford his apartment. talk about slave labor
talk about the growing sterio type and cultural wall being built up everytime something like this happens. i think its sick that i even work there. one of the things i feel most strongly about happening at my work under my nose??????

god i would ratehr work at burger king and believe me that's saying something. argggggg

but i need money to pay bills. i need to find a new job soon.

hey brett, how do you apply for the new meijer going up on 10 mile?
i saw a help wanted sign on the popcorn company thing

aiii i don't know what to do?!?!!

should i confront them to see if that's what is really going on? should i quit right away or wait to find a new job?

plus jaime drinks on the job which doesn't make things wonderful.

i don't know arg!!!

B. on a slightly different but surprisingly similar in some notes point:
i have been thinking about colleges and majors and the future dun dun dun
side note: i am so afraid of the future and technology
back to point:
i want to be a teacher in the long run but i feel that most of my best teachers and the ones that taught me the most had what i call ' life expirience'. i want to do something before i am a teacher. i want to be a foreign service officer, but i need expirience for that. i kind of want to be a physical therapist for a little bit. but that just goes off on a tangent i am not comfortable with. So i was thinking some kind of social work. but not the real kind i wouldn't be able to seperate work from home. i think i would like to teach at one of those 'teach spanish speaking americans to speak english' schools.

school wise i am thinking cc for core classes because its cheap and i could live at home and that's cheap. gvsu because its a moderatly good price and i could live at home (cheap) not that i want to stay at home but . .. i don't want to end up bprrowing money left and right from my parents. then there is msu, where i would live with my sister.

C. well here i contemplate my not so distant future. and wondering if i will stay in contact with the people who read this. i mean i know i will stay in contact with autumn derick and tracey. but does anyone else know me well enough? do i even see anyone else enough to realize when i am not around? weeks go by and finally someone wonders? hmm whatever happened to amanda? just one of those curiosity kind of things.

i mean i know i say that and you think we will remember you, well at least some may feel that way. but i know its not true, because i am not involved in to many peoples lives to the point of serious impact. i mean obviously my parents and my sister, derick, and tracey. but i don't know about anyone else, i sometimes wonder even if john realizes i exist sometimes.
well i need some sleep. love you
amanda | Random Journal