eynegma's Journal

eynegma's Journal

:: 2008 4 July :: 12.05 am
:: Mood: frustrated

i just don't know...
...what the bloody fucking hell?!? Piss, bugger, bollix!

:: 2008 6 June :: 10.12 pm

best and worst
Have you ever had the worst in someone else bring out the best in you? I was in line at the post office today and there were three clerks and they were all busy. The lady who was next in line - two ahead of me - started (sorry) bitching about the fact that every time she comes in she has to wait, it's always for someone applying for citizenship or passports and all she wants to do is mail a package and why should she have to wait. Ironically, when the clerk said "I can help who's next" - the lady was griping so loudly that she failed to hear. She continued to complain to the clerk so, when it was my turn and I got the same clerk - I went out of my way to be cheerful and patient and say thank you A LOT. The clerk said how cheery I was on such a rainy day - and when I explained that how I felt about making up for that lady's misery - she said, "Well, you're doing a great job." It was really a nice moment...
If this comes off as bragging - I'm sorry - that isn't the intent - it's just that - well, i tend to be selfish and impatient (mostly when I'm in my car - oooh, I sound like a truck driver) and every once in awhile God gives me those moments of clarity...What makes me think that my business is any more important than theirs? Why should I be entitled to be done or get there any faster than they are? I just wondered if anyone else had epiphanies like these - spawned by the bad...often irrational behavior of others? Also, if so, are you able to maintain that perspective or do you find yourself susceptible to repeat your own "bad" behavior?
I tend to think that I am the only who has ever felt a certain way - well, no, I know other people feel that way - but I tend to be so wrapped up in my own feelings that I don't stop to consider that I am not alone in the world and maybe other people have some of the same thought processes - psyhe issues - I don't know - as I do.
I was in a really bad mood when I left play practice tonight. Poor Mike apologized to me because I bit his head off...and I wasn't even mad at him - I was in a rotten mood and mad at myself and I took it out on him. I explained that and what a sweetheart for being so kind to apologize?! I totally didn't deserve it. I sometimes don't know what comes over me - I'm totally fine one minute and the next I am so emotional I could just scream. It has to do with repeat patterns of behavior and not seeming to break the bad habits. Deep down, I probably don't want to break them because I feel guilty for something and feel like I SHOULD be miserable as some sort of twisted penance.
Okay...that's it, i think. I've gotten it all out...amazing how writing...even if it is the same topic over and over...can help calm a body down. It's like the pensieve in Harry Potter - if only I could pull the thoughts out of my head magically - but instead I have to commit them to paper (figuratively speaking of course) to make them go away so I can be normal again and be able to go to sleep. In this case however, I am not sleepy in the least...it is Friday...congrats to everyone who had their last day of school today...and I would like to be out doing something...but since I am not doing that...I am going to watch "10 things i hate about you" and probably cry...and drool over "Charlie" from "Numbers" before he was "Charlie" from "Numbers" (he was always my favorite in that movie - Heath Ledger or no - may he rest in peace)...
Which reminds me...do you ever dwell on the concept of mortality? I've been doing that a lot lately (ties into the whole thing I wrote on impulses) - thinking how life is too short to begin with - but then things happen that can cut it even shorter - there are so many things I would regret if that were to happen to me - things I haven't gotten to do that I really hope God still has in my future - so much love that I have been too proud to share - ooooh pride - don't even get me started on that subject - no, i will wait until I can discuss it more thoroughly - but mortality - do you ever think about it? About what you would do if the person you love most in this world were taken from you tomorrow? Do they know that you love them? How much you love them? That you couldn't bear the thought of your life without them? anyone you love...everyone you love...do they know? Do they know that they matter? Have you told them? Have you shown them? Something little - taking the time, the initiative...? Have you? I know I haven't...not like I should...not on as big a scale as I should. I have SO many amazing people in my life and I know I could be a better friend - stay in better touch - but I don't. Is it part of the way that I am wired or have I learned to be this disinterested? lazy? well-intentioned with shitty follow-through? I already mentioned Heath Ledger - who will never see his baby grow up...what other purveyors of brilliance have had seemingly senselessly short lives?
How about Jonathon Larson - creator of "Rent" - he died just before opening night - neversaw his show performed - let alone become the unbelievable phenomenon that it has. I mean, I firmly believe that God's timing is perfect - but that's the whole point - it's His timing - yeah - we can be cautious or live with reckless abandon - that whole free will thing - but ultimately - it's God's timing and we are pretty much clueless as to how long we actually have or why. I am reminded of "Dead Poets' Society" - the first time I ever heard the expression Carpe Diem - yes, I'm OLD alright - just leave me alone - but how vividly my thoughts echo the theme of that movie - a brilliantly gifted young man felt so alone and unloved and misunderstood that he cut his own life short and kept his gifts from the world...could he have been convinced otherwise...his friends loved him...why wasn't that enough? Why is that need so much stronger in some people than in others?
Okay - NOW I'm done - guess there were more strands of thought that needed to come out - one pensieve would never be enough for me. I'm more prolific in my head than I am with my mouth and THAT's saying something!
Good night all!

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