2006 13 February :: 4.01 pm
:: Music: the cranberries
I had a small breakdown yesterday. It wasn't completely without reason, it was definitely triggered by something, but there was nothing seriously wrong. I was just sobbing. I haven't had anything like this happen since I've gotten to college. I've sobbed, yes, but with reason. It scares me. I had just finished talking to Katie, too, and it was a nice conversation with someone I hadn't talked to recently.
I hate randomly breaking down.
2006 6 February :: 3.57 pm
:: Mood: not bad
:: Music: some random stuff allison is playing about gay men
Allison has a girlfriend, a fact that is making me ridiculously happy. Plus I already knew her girlfriend, and she is an awesome person. It's so great watching them hold hands and be happy.
I'm not sure how much longer Steve and I will be dating, but I'm not going to stress. Whatever happens, happens. And I will never regret dating him (well, unless something huge happens). I think I'd like to continue to date, but we'll see. If I think too much about it, I'll start to get upset before there's something to be upset about.
I'm actually sorta cheerful right now. My classes are good, and I have friends in all of them (I wasn't supposed to, but schedule screw ups somehow worked to my favor). I don't have a ton of work, and what work I do have I've been keeping up with. I've been fighting off worry with mixed success, but I'm pretty sure that it's improbable that *everyone* hates me, so that's good. I'm trying really hard not to be overly paranoid, not to read too much into things, not to worry about things I can't change. In short, I'm trying not to be angsty. It would be easier if it wasn't February.
2006 31 January :: 3.59 pm
:: Mood: not bad
I've been contemplating moving my journal to lj, or possibly just having both...mostly just so I no longer feel guilty about stalking other people on lj (though Allison just about ordered me to read hers, so I don't feel guilty about that anymore).
Allison has also ordered me not to feed myself tonight. She's taking everyone out to dinner, and we're not allowed to pay or not go. I feel bad, because I kinda don't want to go because I still feel a little awkward with the other people included in this "everyone." I'd also like to eat dinner with Steve...and I don't want him to have to eat alone. Bleh, I hate conflict.
I didn't get to spend as much time with Steve as I hoped. It was kinda weird at first because we hadn't seen each other in 6 weeks, we weren't even really touching for a while (by "a while" I mean a couple hours). Yesterday there were a lot of people around, and I didn't feel like being around everyone else when they got drunk and I'm not about to ask Steve to stop drinking just because I'm a puritan (the weird atheist bisexual sort of puritan). I like the necklace he got me for Christmas, though, and I keep playing with the pendant.
I'm also bored...I only had one class today, and it was fairly early. I was supposed to have Spanish, but they changed the classroom and the professor and the day on me without telling me (I sat in a French class for a good five minutes before I realized that it was the wrong language). That means my Tuesdays are practically empty, while my Thursdays are much crazier now (five hours five minutes of class, which is going to be hell). My Wednesdays are also crazy with four hours forty minutes of class. It's not as long as a high school day, but it's more intense and each class requires a ten minute walk.
Today is also my dad's birthday...and my sister's surgery...and my grandma's colonoscopy...plus my mom is sick. I sorta feel like I should be home.
2006 29 January :: 11.57 pm
I feel like shit. If I'm lucky, the feeling will subside.
I knew that coming back wouldn't fix things, but I still wish it would. I hate how I get so depressed sometimes. I shouldn't be. It's just hard to remember that people care about me, even though it should be obvious. I don't always believe it. And the worst part is that no one wants to spend time with someone who's depressed, so it works like a vicious cycle.
One fun thing: Chris holding my hands in his and saying that he heard the news and congratulations...I was really confused because I'm not pregnant (he really acted like I was). but he was referring to me coming out (he's had to do that too).
2006 19 January :: 12.00 am
:: Mood: slightly melodramatic
:: Music: america
I just came out, so, goddamnit, I'm going to take advantage of the coming out angst I'm entitled to to...angst.
It feels weird. I always figured out that I'd eventually discover that I was a lesbian. But I'm not. I like Steve, and I've had crushes on guys before. I probably will again, and I might even date other guys. Hell, for all I know I could never date another woman. But no matter what happens now, I'm bi. It feels official, just like Nicole said it would. As tempting as it is to not take a label, to just let people judge me by whomever I'm dating at the time, I can't.
And now I feel responsiblity. I felt it a bit before, but I feel it more now. I don't want people to assume I'm straight just because I have a boyfriend. I want people to think about me when they form opinions about queer people, and bi people in particular. I don't want to just assimilate and cover my sexuality.
But I'm also starting to realize everything that staying out entails. Getting into politics will be more difficult. Getting any sort of job will require a bit more research and effort. Dating could be more difficult, because there's some prejudice against bisexuals by both some straight and gay people. If I don't want to pass as one or the other, I'll have to deal with the fact that lots of people won't understand why I chose to indentify as bi, as well as people who think I'm just confused. I'm finally not confused anymore, and it's a good feeling.
One of my friends also came out this week (before I did), and I feel a lot like she does. It does feel more official, like I've decided what I want to do with the rest of my life. I'm really glad I finally did it; it was time.
I also updated facebook today to say that I'm interested in both men and women, so that lets about 60 people know, plus everyone at Goucher who cares to see (though a lot of those 60 people already know).
2006 7 January :: 5.53 pm
:: Mood: alright
:: Music: Get Up Kids
bburg is bad for me
There are a lot of things happening lately in the background. Even though none of it relates directly to me, the domino effect gets to me anyway.
1) Andrew. I'm sorry he died.
2) Mr. Thompson. I can't stop thinking about it...because everyone is talking about it (and if hermit liz is hearing things, it's definitely everywhere).
3) Barrett. Yes, I know he left a long time ago. But I still think about him, and I just randomly came across his xanga.
There's also just...being here. Being away from the majority of my friends, because I didn't make very many in this area. Being back where I have more bad memories than good. And if I could spend my entire break with Katie and Jennie and maybe another person or two I like, I'd be fine, but I can't expect people to let me rely on them that much. I did get out today to go ice skating, which was nice, even if I did fall on my ass a couple times. And i'll get through break. I'm just trying to be careful to remember that just because I'm home I don't have to act like I'm 17 (or 18) again. And it's hard not to complain.
This is unrelated, but my neighbor put up an album of himself on facebook comprised entirely of him being in the background of pictures. There are photos where you can see just his right arm, or half of his head, and photos where it's clear that he accidentally walked into them. It's funny, in a sorta sad kinda way.
2006 1 January :: 8.09 pm
:: Music: vanessa carlton
It's so weird
In a way, I have lots of time, so much that it feels endless. I have no job, no commitments, no plans. Just day after day of TIME. It's not good or bad, it's just there. In a way, it's nice, because there are things I want to do, and people I care about I want to see. It also seems too long, and I wonder what I'm going to do with myself.
But it's only four more weeks. Four more weeks, and then I'm gone again. It's going to feel like loss. There's so much I wish I could do, and I have four weeks before some people aren't in my life as much anymore, and I feel like I'm wasting time.
2005 25 December :: 11.51 pm
:: Mood: unhappy, for some reason
:: Music: Atheist Christmas Carol--Vienna Teng
my angst is acting up
I really am not a huge fan of Christmas. For some reason, it fails to fill me with seasonal cheer.
I'm also sad that I'm pretty assuredly NOT going to Times Square with friends on New Year's. If I was doing something else with friends, I wouldn't care, but I'll probably just end up continuing my tradition of going to bed early. It sucks, because now I probably won't have another opportunity to see any of my college friends until we all get back to Goucher. There's still a small chance I could go, but it's quite infintisimal (did I spell that right?).
Also, my back has been itching...and I feel distinictly unattractive...and I miss Steve...and I miss having things to do...and it is now 12:02, and Christmas is over.
2005 20 December :: 11.30 pm
:: Music: james taylor
things i should/could/will do over break
Because the boredom is beginning to set in...
1) Clean out my room (already started; I was throwing out pictures from when I was six and notes from sixth grade).
2) Spend time with Rita (did yesterday, probably will again)
3) Do stuff with Katie (no, not that kind of stuff)
4) Work on my novel
5) Finish Christmas shopping/wrap Christmas presents
6) Take walks in the park
7) Spend some time with Brie/Brenda/Jenny/other people I haven't seen in a while
8) Twiddle my thumbs a lot
9) Do more beading
10) Practice shuffling cards
11) Make a gynocologist appointment
12) Learn exactly how to spell gynocologist (because I think I'm off)
13) Make a denist appointment
14) Spend time with my grandmothers
15) Feed my internet addiction
16) Learn to cook
17) Volunteer somewhere
18) Go file crap in my dad's office
19) Get my tv hooked up in my room and gain a tv addiction
20) Read recaps to Gilmore Girls (which I really did mean to watch tonight...oops)
21) Get together with some college friends who live in the approximate area
22) Go into NYC (once the transit strike is over)
23) Read more books
24) Find and read more webcomics
25) Write more fiction
26) Make more lists of what to do to fill the tedium
2005 20 December :: 12.03 am
:: Music: Indigo Girls
since my last post got deleted...
Well, I'm home. I miss Goucher and Steve and my friends. But it's nice to be here and to have so much freedom in what I'll do with my time.
I saw Katie on Sunday, which was both fun and frustrating. I need to keep a level head. I also saw Rita today. It wasn't exactly planned (I went online early in the afternoon and she begged me to pick her up to help alleviate her end-of-semester-everyone's-gone boredom). I've never driven quite that far out in her direction before, but using her (wrong) directions and my awesome directional skills, I very randomly found myself on her campus. We saw a movie and had dinner in her dining hall, talked a bit (it's so good to have someone to compare romantic angst with), and then I made my way back.
I'm glad that I've managed to keep busy so far. I don't want to sit around the house for six weeks melting into the couch. I probably will be spending more time around the house than I would like, but at least i got out for the past couple days, and I will again Friday.
2005 10 December :: 1.26 am
staying happy is a fulltime job
It really is. Some people seem to be naturally cheerfull. I'm naturally angsty. But if I really think about it, being unhappy doesn't make sense. I usually get unhappy because I don't feel accepted...and then, as an unhappy angsty person, people want to spend less time with me. So if I just force myself to stop feeling bad when things actually don't suck that much, then I'll be fine.
I also need to stop wondering exactly when Steve and I will break up. I kinda feel like I'm rooting for it all to end, and that's not fair. I like spending time with him and I like doing things with him...but lately I've been feeling kind of awkward. There's a natural progression of things that starts with kissing and ends...well, someplace I don't really want to go. So we'll see what happens.
But I really need to start thinking positively.
2005 8 December :: 1.10 am
Things are fairly decent for me right now. I have a boyfriend, my cold is going away, and I have no more schoolwork. NONE. No finals, no papers. Friday is reading period, Monday starts exam week, and I'm not leaving until next Thursday. That gives me a week to do nothing, which is nice, if slightly boring. I've already gotten a lot of my friends to promise to call me/randomly knock on my door when they have free time, and I have things I'm planning on doing (like beading and ducttaping).
And I feel kinda bad about it. I hate when people I care about are having a bad time, and it's not just angst, it's not just being young, it's not just being in high school or any other temporary condition, but something that is horrible and unchangeable. I might have had a shitty high school experience, the only unchangeable aspect that made things kinda difficult was my sexuality (and that I've pretty much been able to come to terms with). I've always had enough money and such, even if I sometimes worry about things. And, no matter what I do in college, I have the consolation of knowing that I can concentrate on my studies without worrying about money.
And it's the money thing, basically, that's making feel guilty and angry. Things like this are helping to push towards politics, because inequities like this in our prosperous society are obscene. I do not deserve more than other people just because my family has the money to send me to college without loans (and the money to take care of other basics so I don't have to). And I at least made it to college, at least two of my friends haven't made it that far, and others might not either, mostly because of money. Gah.
1 observation |
2005 3 December :: 7.54 pm
:: Mood: sick, but otherwise fine
:: Music: Ivy
I always thought I was fairly hard to read. I'm a private person, plus my facial expressions are subtle. And I think most people like to think that they are complex and mysterious.
But Allison reads me like a book. I don't know if it's because she's really good at reading people, or because I'm easy to figure out, or just because she's well-attuned to me after living with me for months. But she's figured out who I have crushes on just by looking at my face after she mentioned their names. She knew immediately from the sound of my voice (she couldn't even see my face) when Steve and I first did something. She knows what I'm thinking most of the time, and I think she can tell when I'm hiding things.
It's kinda interesting, and nice.
2005 1 December :: 11.53 pm
:: Music: Lisa McCormick
Lots of stuff
1) I have finally done something sexual besides masturbating (or, rather, had someone else do it to me), and I like it. It feels so weird, in a way, to think of myself as doing something like that, but it's not like I'm not 19 already.
2) This means Steve has seen my legs. Though it was dark, he wasn't wearing glasses, adn I don't think he was paying particular attention to my thighs (which still have faint--and not so faint--scars).
3) Steve has also asked me to wax my lip...grrr. Though, to be fair, I told him to tell me what he likes (though I didn't mean looks-wise), and he couldn't have known I'm insecure about it.
4) Today was World AIDS Day and I just realized that I am completely terrified of AIDS. I also didn't know a lot about precautions to take during sex (straight sex yes, but I only knew shadowy info about lesbian sex, a deficiency which has been rectified).
5) Margaret's been flirting with me, and I wish she'd stop. She's straight. We both have boyfriends. She's just doing it for fun...but I think it's making Steve uncomfortable, and it's kinda making me uncomfortable. Especially since she's one of those people who experimented a bit in order to figure out their sexual orientation, and I suspect that she might still be a bit confused. I really really don't want her to use me to check her heterosexuality, especially since I'm in a monogamous relationship. Then again, she might not be, and I might be taking it too far, but her flirting with me kinda needs to stop because even if she's straight, I'm not.
6) It feels weird that I'm going to be back home in two weeks. I won't see anyone from college for six weeks unless they visit (or I visit them). Six weeks is a loooong time.
7) I need to come out to my parents. I've been meaning to do it ever since Katie and I ceased dating (and even before that). They know my roommate is gay, so there's no reason why they shouldn't know about me (well, no good reason). I'm just incredibly scared about it. I don't like sharing personal details. But random people who live down the hall know I'm bi, so my parents should too.
8) Tonight was the special holiday dinner in the dining hall, and it was awesome. They had a live band, and really good turkey (as well as vegan noturkey, which I didn't dare try) and stuffing and mashed potatoes and seafood cakes and cranberry sauce and tons of different salads and pumpkin pie ice cream and apple toffee ice cream and apple cider and tons more. It was wonderful, especially since I was with cool people (Steve and Margaret, who is still awesome despite going slightly overboard in flirting with me).
I think that's about it.
2005 25 November :: 11.30 pm
:: Music: rent (movie) soundtrack
I think everything with Katie and me is going to be okay.
I don't know. Maybe we just had to date as a weird progression of our friendship. Maybe we never should have dated. Maybe we should have skipped the dating part and just broken up. And is it right for us to suddenly to be old girlfriends? Am I allowed to be bitter? Should I be?
But I think everything will be okay. And it's good to have diversified my support base, so it's no longer just her.
I need to stop listening to music that makes me emotional. And hi Katie if you're reading this.
1 observation |