2008 28 July :: 2.07 am
:: Mood: content
:: Music: "Miracle" by Cascada
So clear, so confused.
Yesterday was hell. Today was a bit better. I think things are slowly falling into place. I realized it wasn't that I needed someone else to be happy necessarily, but that I needed more time for myself.
I don't need someone else to get where I want to be. I need to be happy with myself and my life before I can be happy with someone else. So I'm just taking my time and taking everything one step at a time. Once I feel satisfied where my life on my own is, I can add someone into that balanced equation of my life. xD
I drove today. This made me extremely happy! :D I haven't in a long while. Still waiting on getting my license. Now I can have time to actually learn how to drive so I CAN get my license. I want to talk to Matt really badly so he knooows. He'd be proud. Haha! I even drove inbetween 2 cars... and didn't hit EITHER of them! ^^
I went over John's today. I was feeling a bit depressed today, and trust me, they know how to handle depression over there. Let's just say it involved a basket full of chocolate. xD
By the time I got home, I was feeling much better about life, and things just started to become clearer in my mind. I think everything will be fine.
2008 27 July :: 5.40 am
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: "Psycho" by Puddle of Mudd
I can't make everyone happy, damn it!
Today has severely sucked ass. Everything is going wrong. I need to know what will make me happy. I can't fucking worry about everyone. My mother has practically disowned me. I don't really care right now. I'm so sick of hearing her tell me everything that I'm doing WRONG in MY life. Keyword there being MY.
I don't know what I'm going to do. Seriously, I don't. I miss Matt. Dear God, I just really do. I don't know. No matter what I do, it's wrong. No matter what I feel, I shouldn't.
I just want him to come take me away from this crazy house. It's almost 6 AM. My parents are up fighting over MY issues because my dad at least realizes I'm an adult and can make my own decisions, where as my mom is just going to act like a psycho bitch.
Yet it's ok. She'll play it off like she's oh so innocent and it's just us that are fucked up. Trust me, she does it all the time. She's a compulsive liar. She tells other people things we say that we never even THOUGHT of saying and it's just complete bullshit!
2008 25 July :: 4.43 pm
:: Mood: frustrated
:: Music: "Oh, It Is Love" by Hellogoodbye
This is just odd.
This entire situation. Odd. It just makes me want to beat something up. Severely.
That's all I'm saying about it at the moment. I'm standing still.
I'm a horrible person. As if I didn't know this, numerous people have felt the need to throw that fact in my face lately.
I know I'm not really. I'm just in a weird situation. Things will turn out alright in the end. They always do one way or another. I just need to focus on making sure I'm happy with life, and that I can succeed on my own. I'm so mad that this is happening. I'm tired of it. I need to be more independent.
Meh. Screw this. I get Qdoba's later. Woo hoo! I doubt I'll eat much though. I haven't been this past week. Too much on my mind. Oh well. I'm not thinking too deep about this. I'm just taking it one step at a time.
I don't know what the future is going to be like. I just need to keep on smiling and look on the bright side of things. :D
2008 21 July :: 2.22 pm
:: Mood: energetic
:: Music: "No Fear" by The Rasmus
Everything is up, everything is down.
I'm so excited right now, and just in a good mood altogether. I feel much better now than I did the other day. I was reading that last entry of mine and I was like "Wow, talk about a change in mood."
Anyway, my college enrollment process is under way. Yes, I know I should have done this sooner, but I was planning on going to an entirely different school until just about the end of my senior year. I was going to be taking online classes for college, but then I realized that it wasn't really what I wanted. While it would have been more convenient, it would have been lacking that experience I want of actually going there and having hands on interaction with everything and meeting new people.
So yeah, I finished orientation today and now all I have to do is schedule an appointment with my counselor before I can register for classes. Woohoo! :D
I'm realizing lately that I'm sick of being held down. I have such an active mind and personality, and I'd be a total extrovert if I didn't let things hold me back. Sure, I can be totally shy and whatnot in front of people, but I have such a crazy side that people rarely see. I love going out and doing things with friends, I love singing loud and air guitaring / air drumming, get me in a mosh pit at a good concert and you'll see the real me. It's one place I can let loose and just be myself. It's the greatest feeling in the world.
Anyway, in the past few years, I've been turned into a total introvert. My boyfriend's very antisocial, so that usually screws me over if I ever want to party or something. That's not to say that I'm a party animal that wants to go out ALL the time, or that I drink or do drugs anything, because I don't. XD That's also not to say that I don't love my boyfriend, I'm crazy about him. I just always wish I had more me time and time to just go out with friends and have a good time. I also wish I had more good friends to go out with. I need to find a good club somewhere. I want to go dancing to good music. :P
This brings me to another point. I want to learn to play the drums. I don't know where this thought came from, I've just been wanting to for a while. You can never be too musically inclined. So if this little urge ever goes anywhere, I'll be able to sing, play guitar and play drums, which is good. :D
I'm also getting sick of wearing black all the time. Sure, I love my band t-shirts and I will never rid of them, but I'd love to add more color to my wardrobe again. I used to wear colors, believe it or not. XD I also want to dye my hair again. The brown with blonde highlights is nice and all, and I like the style it's in, but I miss my hair being red/auburn. I think that was the color that best reflected my personality.
God, I just want a mic in my hands! >_< You don't know how bad I just want to be on stage right now singing. I don't even care if it's just karaoke, I just want to do it. Lmao! I feel so optimistic today, it's ridiculous! I'd been so depressed the past few days, but today I just feel so great!
Who would think one phone call could totally change my outlook on things? I talked to a good friend of mine on the phone last night for a few hours, and holy crap, that is the most I've laughed in such a long time! It just felt nice to get to talk again. He reminded me of just who I really am and everything I still hope to become in my life, and how much I'm looking forward to the future. Too bad we don't live closer. It would be great if we did. He's one of those people I'd probably actually hang out with.
Man, I want to go out and do something, but Matt isn't home for another hour or so. x3 Oh well, I'll live until then. I don't really have much to say today, so I'm just going to go back to air guitaring/drumming and lip-synching to good music. Mwahahaha. One day I'll be jamming to my own music, I guaruntee it. ;)
2008 18 July :: 6.14 pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: "One Last Hope" by Eternal Legacy
Are totally freakin' lame sometimes. Like, seriously.
If I could just turn the memories and feelings off, I'd be in a much better position to live out the rest of my life. Honestly, I'm so sick of caring about things I shouldn't, but as much as I tell myself not to care, I still do.
I'm losing respect for one person in particular lately, but I can't just totally give up on him because I care too much about him and he's one of my only very good friends. He likes to go out and drink. A lot. He says it helps him to loosen up and be more social because he's usually pretty shy.
That's all well and good, but it gets to the point sometimes where if he goes a few days without a drink he's like "I need a drink!" and it just kind of bugs me. I keep telling him "Dude, you don't need the stuff to live." Trust me, I could find ways to get him to loosen up without it. xD Bah. I just hope it doesn't end up controlling him. There's nothing more pathetic than someone letting a substance control them, in my opinion.
On another note. Feelings. They still suck. xD I hate the what ifs that come to mind if you sit there and think back on the past. I honestly just want to forget. I need to think with my mind and not act on my heart's impulses.
OHHH!!! ON AN EVEN BETTER NOTE!!!! GOD OF WAR 3 TRAILER!!! IS IT NOT FUCKING AMAZING!?!?! I THINK I HAD LIKE, MULTIPLE GEEKGASMS WHEN I SAW IT!!!!! :D I absolutely can't wait!
On a not so better note, Tenchu 4 trailer. Woot. Not so much woot. It's fucking Wii exclusive. I think that's the gayest thing ever seeing as how it's been on Playstation consoles from day one. Just like how Tenchu Z was for Xbox360. Wtf? They need to put these games on all consoles. Us Playstation loving Tenchu fans are totally getting ripped off. Also, I don't like the way Rikimaru's hair looks in that E3 trailer. It just looks weird. That doesn't change the fact that I want it, but still.
What the hell is up with all these new games not being as good as the originals? Resident Evil for example. RE4 was good, but just didn't have the same feel as the originals, and RE5 is going to be the same way. The good thing about these two games though is that they returned to characters from the original games. It makes me want to go play RE2 like, now. And Tenchu. Even though I haven't played the newer ones, they just don't give off the same vibe as the originals. Tenchus 1-3 were amazing, but I'd like to get my hands on the newer ones so I could compare them.
Bah. I'm done ranting. Highlights of this entry. Feelings suck. God of War 3 will be amazing. Tenchu 4 better be put on Playstation. Playstation owners are getting ripped off. Original games of series will always be the best.
Lame. Just lame.
That's how I feel. My sleep pattern is so messed up. I mean sure, that's good sometimes because I'm more productive at night because then nobody is awake to bug me, but then I miss going out with people when there's daylight and things like that.
Meh. I need to make an appointment up at the college for orientation sometime this week. And I need to practice my guitar. It's so lonely just sitting in there. I plan on playing it for a bit this morning after my dad leaves for work. Missing lessons for the past two weeks kind of sucks. Missed the 4th obviously due to the holiday, and the place was closed anyway. Then I missed last Friday because I had a concert to go to. It was pretty fun. 3 Doors Down and Staind.
Which reminds me... AHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! One month and three days!!!!!!! :D Shit. That means I have to get to work. ^^;; I'm planning on making a sign, possibly doing art of some kind for them, since I'll be right in front of the stage. Hahaha. Linkin Park kicks major ass. Yeah, it'll probably just end up thrown up there without a second look, but oh well, it's worth a shot. xD
I got new pants the other day. There goes what was left of my graduation money. o.o I'm usually not one to blow $60 on pants at Hot Topic, but my old Tripp pants finally bit the dust and I like having one pair of them. lol!
Damn it. It's only July and I feel like I'm behind on a bunch of shit. I have to call the college and get this crap out of the way so I can enjoy the rest of my summer. >.>
Shit to do:
Call college to set up orientation appointment.
Register for classes after orientation.
Make sign / art for LP by 8/19.
Manage the Other Realm.
Get started on layouts for SoV and M&E.
Work on M&E comics and SoV art.
Stop relying on boyfriend for rides and get my license.
Learn how to cook more homemade meals.
Fix fucked up sleep schedule.
Get back into writing my book. I miss it.
Write more lyrics for music projects. o.o
Fuck. I'm screwed. I honestly plan to do WAY too many things. xD It sucks, half of these I'll only get done on a screwed up sleep schedule, like the writing and computer and art work, and the other half I need a normal sleep schedule, like driving and cooking. I'll figure this out eventually. I just need to worry about the important ones for now. The ones that have to do with me actually getting ready to start classes in the fall. Haha.
On an entirely other and more random note. My layout is so lame on here. It used to look good with my comp, but now I changed the resolution and it looks retarded. I wish there was just a way to get it to stretch to the entire page despite people resolutions. I know there's a way, I just can't figure it out. :\ That or I don't remember how. One of the two. XD
2008 6 July :: 11.46 pm
:: Mood: gloomy
:: Music: None. I'm sitting in the quietness. xD
My lappy is a happy lappy! :]
That's really all I have to say.
That and that I can't stand it when people are against me. I know I can't befriend EVERYONE, but still. I'm one of those people who believes that everyone should be able to get along with one another despite their differences.
I hate the feeling of losing a friend over something retarded. I tried to set things straight and failed horribly.
2008 6 July :: 12.47 am
:: Mood: energetic
:: Music: "Raver's Fantasy" by Tune Up!
I wanna rave... o.o Like. Seriously. If I don't go to one soon, I might lose it. The world of a rave seems like my home, and no, I'm not talking about the E-tards. I'm talking about the drug free people who just love bright colors, good dance music, glowsticks, and just being overall energetic and happy. Sure, you're gonna get the occasional E-tard, but that's not our problem.
Yeah, I want to go to one badly. That and another Disturbed concert. Aggghhhh, I can't wait until August 19th. Projekt Revolution!!!!! :3 Third time seeing Linkin Park, but the first time I'll actually be in the pit. This kicks major ass. I love my parents for getting me tickets during the presale... XD
What else was I going to rant about?
OH YEAH! My lappy. My lappy's memory is going to sleep now. I'm going to reformat it so it can forget all the abuse I've put it through. Lmao. Just messin'. But still, it hasn't been running so great lately so I backed it up onto Matt's server and now I'm going to go reformat it. Woo hoo!
And if anyone out there in the Cleveland-ish area knows of any raves going on anywhere, let me know. XD
2008 4 July :: 8.02 am
:: Mood: envious
:: Music: "Willkommen im Nichts" by Eisbrecher
You know what? o.o
All of my entries are too fuckin' long. So here's a nice, short, subtle entry.
I want to go to Germany! >___< End of story. o.o
Though, I should probably learn more German before I go. Man, I want to travel the world and see so many places. I just want to get out of America and see so many beautiful places. I plan on it and even if it kills me, I'll do it. ><
On another note, I can't wait to hear Eisbrecher's new work. *Squeals like a little fangirl* ... *Clears throat* I'm done.
2008 4 July :: 4.58 am
:: Mood: artistic
:: Music: "Love Again" by Cascada
I need something to sing about...
This woohu... is becoming my sanctuary... >.>
It's like, this is the one place I can come to rant when I have no one to rant to, or when I just don't feel like involving those in my everyday life with my problems. xD
Yeah, it's like that.
I'm just in a meh sort of mood right now. I do feel a bit better now than when I originally clicked to update my journal for the day though. Hahaha. I don't know why. Perhaps it's because I'm finally about to be the only one in the house awake. I feel like singing tonight. Maybe I'll get something new up on the ol' music myspace that isn't going anywhere. Lmao!
I want to sing. That's all I want to do anymore. Sure, I'm going to school for interactive media [web design, if you will] and digital video, so that way I can actually get a decent job when I'm out on my own, and while those are things I truly enjoy doing [even just for recreational purposes], music is my dream career. I've sang passionately ever since I was three years old and massively obsessed with The Little Mermaid. XD I suppose that means that this is something I've done and wanted to do for 15 years now, and it's something I'll continue doing until the day I die.
Everyone I know says I have a really nice voice, but it hasn't gotten me anywhere yet. I don't have the money for vocal lessons and I suppose I'm just not in the right places to get "discovered". Hahaha. But yeah, I have a music myspace and I collab with John who makes some pretty kick ass music with his keyboards and his computer. :D
Here is a link to it if by any chance anyone out there is interested. :P Most of the songs up there are just random covers with my first ever original piece, music by John, lyrics and vocals by me. It's not all that great because I had to sing in front of John which made me really nervous and that's the first take of it. Lmao!
Fortunately, I suppose writing is one of those things I'm half decent at to, when I have the proper inspiration. What sucks is that when I don't have the inspiration, I can't really write anything all that well. A lot of my good songs come out when I'm pissed at someone. For example, here's a poem I wrote for an ex when I was very upset with him:
"There's an icy cold fire burning in your heart
An inferno from an anger, tearing you apart
There's an icy cold fire burning in your eyes
A soul I do not hesitate to say that I despise
There's an icy cold fire running through your veins
An eternity of solitude has driven you insane
There's an icy cold fire you surely cannot hide
Your hideous monstrosity is killing me inside
I cannot wait to see the day when it's you who are alone
I cannot wait to see when it is you who feels so cold
The days and years draw closer every day
And I know that soon enough you'll pay
All the pain I was caused was only in your name
An icy cold fire raging wild and untamed
Your cruelty was like that that knew no end
The love of some young child who only made pretend
I pulled the plug on all the games you played
I threw down the sewer every promise that you made
Locked away those feelings you only burnt to ashes
Waiting for the day when your whole world crashes
Never knew before
Just how it felt inside
To see a sickening whore
Be killed by his own lies
Now you're dead to me
A name in some old book
A faded page that destiny
Just must have overlooked
Where you are I do not know
And truly I don't care
If ever a wish that fate bestowes
Never let me wander there
A sick and twisted pleasure
I'm taking in your pain
But all the torment cannot measure
How you drove me insane
I see that crooked smile
So sweetly on your face
Even it takes a while
I'll rid of every trace
If heaven gets me through this
And hell can help along on the way
I know that in the dark abyss
Is where you'll end your days
I know you never cared
You show it oh so well
You're the worst form of ugly
And I hope you burn in hell
Hate to see you with that smile
Laughing on your throne
But in the end its all okay
Because I know you'll die alone"
Copyright of myself. o.o
But yeah, aside from the angsty poem above, I typically love writing, either fictional stories or poems/lyrics. It's my other true passion and I need to start doing it more. So yeah, that's why the life of a musician is the one I truly want to lead. I also have been playing electric guitar for about seven months now with lessons once a week and I love it. I don't love it as much as singing, nor am I as good at it as singing, but I love it so much.
I hope that getting better and better will get me and my voice some attention in this crazy industry. I'm not just going to live a mediocre life NOT doing what I love. Even if it's only in a small, not well-known band [although I do hope I will be well-known someday] I'll be happy with it because it's just doing what I love. I only get one life. I'm not going to waste it away working some office job for the rest of my life. Fuck that. Just. No. That's not the way I'm going to live.
Music, writing, art, video, web. Those are my five key passions, assuming that photography fits under art. If not, then that makes it six. Technically all of that can be considered art. Meh. I'm not getting technical. The morning's drawing on fast and I want to sing before I get too tired and sound like crap. xD
2008 3 July :: 10.49 am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: "It's Not Over" by Daughtry
So much for bed... o.o
I was bored. So what better to do before bed than randomly go on Bzoink and grab a survey of some sort? o.o Here, have fun.
Friend Survey [Oh Joy! >.>]
Pick 5 friends that come to mind first and answer the following questions. [Don't tell me what to do >.<]
Apparently I'm a tad bit sexist this morning. o.o
How did #1 come to mind first?: Because I love him, and we were just talking two minutes ago.
Have you ever hungout with #3?: Not yet, but maybe some day. It's his birthday today too. ^^
Do you like #5?: Duh. He wouldn't be my friend if I didn't.
Do #5 and #2 know eachother?: Um, they've never met, but they've talked I believe.
Ever have any "sexual" moments with #2?: o.o I only saw him for 3 days. I think that's a pretty big "NO". XD
Who is the dumbest?: Hmm, not sure. Any one of them could kick my ass for calling them dumb, so I'll just go with Matt. Haha!
The smartest?: I'm going to go on a whim and say Jim since he graduated from DeVry. :P
How did you meet #3: The original Other Realm. Which is odd, because I don't think he ever even posted on it. Just randomly AIMed me one day. Lmao.
Does #5 like you?: Uhh, he better. *shakes fist in his general direction*
Who is the craziest?: Oh dear GOD, I can't pick. They pretty much all are! xD
Do #1 and #2 know eachother?: Again, they haven't met but I think they've talked.
Which friend do you like the most?: I'm a bit bias here because Matt's my boyfriend. I can't pick! I love them all. ^^
Is #4 Hot?: Ohhh yeah. He's Papa Pimpernickel, how can he not be? Even Matt wants him.
Ever have a crush on any?: On all of them at one point or another. I've dated 4/5, even though Nny was only jokingly for a weekend. :P
What's your favorite memory with #2: The three days he was here in town!! x3 We need to hang out again.
Ever gone anywhere with #4: Yep. Park, mall, bowling, prom. :)
Have you ever been in a fight with any?: I'm sure all of them at least some point in time.
Has #1 ever seen you nude?: o//o CLASSIFIED INFORMATION.
How did #5 come to mind last?: He's not as special as the others. XD Just kidding. Uhh, I don't know. I just randomly picked people I talked to today.
While you've been doing this survey has anyone else come to mind?: Not really.
Ever kissed or been kissed by #2?: Yes, when we were dating.
Would you date any of them?: I already mentioned dating 3/5, not including the Nny thing.
If so who?: Apparently I would have dated any of them in the past, but at this point in time, just Matt. ^^
Does any of them have a crush on you?: *Shudders at the poor grammar usage* I don't know. Do they? o.o
Do you think #5 would read this survey?: Probably not. He's gay like that.
Is #1 also #1 on your myspace top friends?: Indeed.
Are any of those people your girlfriend/boyfriend?: My GOD, yes. Get on with it already.
Who would you like to see right now out of all 5?: Hmm. *Thinks* Well, I'd suppose Jim since I haven't seen him in years.
Has #3 ever said anything about you behind your back?: Most likely, but hey, I was a psycho 14-year-old back then. Can you blame him?
Do you "like" #2?: Like? Sure. Like? Nah.
Does #5 own a car?: Hahahaha. Surely you're joking. If it were 1-3, I could say yes. But no.
Do you think any of them are gonna repost or take this survey?: No way. Most of them don't even know about this page.
Which calls you the most?: Matt.
Do any annoy you a lot?: Not really.
Ever dated any of them?: Oh dear GOD, SHOOT ME! >< Yes.
which of them last said I Love You?: Matt.
which last hugged you?: Matt.
which last IM'ed you?: Nny / Matt
which of them last hungout with you?: Matt.
Do you worry these people are gonna read what you said about them?: I could care less if they did. XD
2008 3 July :: 7.53 am
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: "DOA" by Foo Fighters
Madness? This is MADRIGAL!
Yeah. I'm a loser. Sue me.
I'm so damn amused right now. I've been up all night and basically spent the past few hours playing Flyff. Cardpuppets, for some ungodly reason, were really pissing me off.
I was on one of my boyfriend's characters plvling one of my n00bish characters, which he was on while he was at work. Yeah, we're pretty backwards.
Anyway, I was fighting cardpuppets and the giant kept inching it's way over to me. It was making me angry because I was paranoid and I didn't want to die and end up losing EXP on his account.
So what do I do? I charge angrily at one of the cardpuppets and just start beating it senseless with my staff. The words "Madness? This is MADRIGAL!" followed soon after. Yeah, I wish I'd had a screenshot of that. XD
Skuko: This... is... MADRIGAL!
ReyaKinjiri: wow... lol.
Skuko: *Eats giant cardpuppet's babies for dinner*
Skuko: Yeah. And I'm going to eat it's unborn babies for dessert. >.>
It was freakin' amusing. Flyffing just seems to have this ability to make me forget about crappy things in life and just appreciate random one-liners. :P
Like this one. This is one I really want to hear right now, but I can't seem to find it at the moment. Wait. I think I may have found it...
YES!! Indeed I have. This is none other than one segment of one of my heroes, George Carlin. R.I.P.
I don't know why, but that clip popped into my head, and suddenly, I had to see it. ^^
I just realized something. Tomorrow is the 4th of July. I have guitar lessons tomorrow. I need to call Shaun and find out if he's giving lessons tomorrow or if he's taking the holiday off. Even if he is giving lessons, I'm most likely not going to go. It's a holiday, I have plans. Big, giant, massive plans, including sparklers and bottle rockets and firecrackers and fireworks and watching things go BOOM! Well, at least that's what the day will consist of if I have it my way. XD
That also means that today is July 3rd. Which means that it's Nny's 21st birthday! Woot! I doubt he's going to see this, but oh well. HAPPY BIRTHDAY NNY!! You're legal. Hahaha. But you don't drink anyway, so that's GOOD. Keep it that way for as long as you can. :P
Meh, that's about all there is to say this morning. I'm getting more and more tired by the second. Speaking of seconds, this is my second time writing this entry, because my computer decided to be a douche and freeze on me earlier, so I lost my entry.
Oh well. Between then and retyping this, I was able to figure out how old Nny was turning today, so I suppose that's good.
Well, I'm off to bed now. Night all, or for that matter, top of the morning to ya! Stupid Mexicans and their tomales... o.o Long story. Au revoir!
2008 2 July :: 10.56 pm
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: "The Fall" by ELO
Dude, just wtf?
Dear God. This entire issue is just pissing me off. >.>
Something happened last summer between and old friend and me. To put it simply, it was something that shouldn't have happened but that I had nothing to do with. It's so retarded.
Anyway, it's been a year now and today I tried to straighten things out by apologizing on my half of the issue and trying to tell her what really happened because she totally misunderstood the situation.
So yeah, I wrote her a thought out message about all of this and telling her that I hoped that we could finally settle it. I said that even if nothing came out of the apology that I just wanted her to know that I valued the friendship we had and the memories we shared.
Still, I figured she'd at least maybe have the decency to write back, even if it was just bashing me or something. Nope, she didn't.
Fuck it. I did right on my half. That's all that matters. Like my dear friend said, "If she doesn't want to be your friend, don't let it get to you. You are a good person."
I'm so glad to have this person back in my life. Me and him lost touch for awhile, and now we're good friends again, and that means a lot to me.
So yeah. That's been my eventful day. I was up all last night and slept all day, so nothing much really happened. Woot. Exciting, no?
Oh well. At least I finally got myself this journal. Like I said in the last little blurb, I've wanted one for years. xD