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xhan

:: 2015 8 October :: 7.52pm

stepping back onto old, familiar ground
I've been thinking about journaling again.

Life is busy and I don't have much free time to sit and write anymore but the thought is there.

So for now, hello woohu! I'm not sure who is left but I hope you're doing good and life hasn't been too harsh since I tapped out. The time I've been gone has been... rough. Got sick, nearly died. All good now, but I lost a few years.

Life is strange.

- xhan

3 Illuminated My Path | Shed Your Light


shell

:: 2012 20 August :: 9.31pm

affodell.tumblr.com
deleted everything here

bye

3 Illuminated My Path | Shed Your Light


eddy

:: 2012 3 March :: 1.23am

Holy shit, woohu. How ya been?!

Going through some friends' posts. Really wish woohu had a 'like' button, and also disappointed with myself for being that ingrained with facebook.

I feel like I had more to add here....perhaps not. I'm terrible with updates, even on facebook people post pointless little trivial updates sometimes every minute, and I can't seem to post one update to even sum up my week. But from what I hear people prefer that? Nah, people talk shit but they know they love the facebook. I think they shoulda kept the 'the'.

And now I'm just rambling because it's almost 3 am and I shouldn't be conscious right now. So I will stop.


Now.


Night. =]

4 Illuminated My Path | Shed Your Light


shannonw55

:: 2011 21 November :: 10.56pm
:: Mood: geeky
:: Music: Nicki Minaj

HAHAHAHAHA


PSHHH! HAHAHAHA

Shed Your Light


devourhotpockets

:: 2011 16 June :: 1.24am
:: Mood: none
:: Music: none

none
Why is it empty? Who is everyone? Where should I be?


devourhotpockets

:: 2011 12 June :: 9.38pm
:: Mood: none
:: Music: none

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I had an incredible time last night. I was smiling all day at work as I thought back to different moments from the night and early morning. Nothing amazing happened in itself, by night out or party standards, but I had a lot of fun and it was a great confidence booster for me. I was surrounded by people that I care about and enjoy being with. I made a new friend, with whom I spoke at great length in one of the most frank, forward and successful early-relationship conversations I've ever had. I was thinking clearly and creatively, and I kept myself not only interesting, but fun, vibrant, honest, and attractive. This led to a slightly romantic entanglement which could not have gone much further than it did. It was small and quite insignificant overall, but points to qualities in myself that I've been forgetting lately, qualities that I needed to be reminded of. While I will likely not see her again, my ability to say everything that I thought without sustaining negative consequences, to hold her interest, and to impress her with only my natural qualities was an extremely positive experience for me.

I think this holds an important realization. When talking with girls that I may be attracted to, I find little success in what I think will be the right way to carry myself. I'm only noticing this in contrast to my most successful early conversations. I can't deny that I act differently when I'm around or talking with a girl that I may be attracted to, compared to one that I see no possibilities with. I've noticed, though, that the times I'm most appealing are those that I act as myself, when I'm around girls that I consider out of the question for some reason or another. This leads me to a few conclusions. One is that it's important to stay completely natural and be myself all the time. The truth is, if that turns someone off, it's better it turn them off initially than to surprise them later. Another conclusion is that if I have to consciously work to sustain a conversation or a relationship, no matter what context they are in, that means there is a fundamental incompatibility that nothing will really cure. There may be ways around it for a time, but nothing can get very far in the long run if I have to act differently or exert a conscious effort in order to maintain a level of normalcy. From here on out, no matter what, I think I need to keep myself acting like myself. If I'm looking for any kind of real connection, be it friendship or otherwise, I can't waste my time pretending to be more normal, more reserved, more or less of anything than I really am. If we aren't compatible people, then we aren't, and there's no effort that can reconcile such an issue permanently. Any efforts on my part will likely be transparent anyway, and probably be off-putting to my new acquaintance.

There are obviously exceptions to these rules. These rules apply to different degrees depending on what type of relationship you're attempting to forge. I don't mean friendly/romantic; those are in the same category. I mean personal and meaningful, compared to professional, or purely social relationships. For example, they don't apply with a boss, co-worker, customer, client, professor, classmate, etc. They don't apply to a casual acquaintance or, say, your best friend's spouse. Those are relationships in which you do make that effort to sustain some normalcy for something of a greater good. Whether it's the sustenance of a positive workplace or of a friendship that does matter, you make that conscious effort when necessary, and you keep certain things private and reserved, in order to make it work for this greater good, this reason higher than merely your one-on-one relationship.

Other thoughts: Downriver girls seem to like me, and so far almost all the time I like them at first and then massive glaring problems arise that prevent any kind of further interaction. I can only think of two cases to the contrary, which are the exact opposite, and are completely platonic. Those two cases, I didn't like the person at first, but the things I didn't like either changed or I got used to them for the sake of all the qualities that I later discovered and enjoyed.

For some reason, I find myself coincidentally attracted to girls from/that live in Ferndale. Usually they don't like me back, or not very much. I never know they're from Ferndale until I've already decided I like them. It's a really weird thing. These trends are strange.


devourhotpockets

:: 2010 30 December :: 12.21am
:: Mood: none
:: Music: none

none
Is there a problem when you can sit idle and alone for an hour without noticing?The world is frozen & the lines are blurry. Treading lightly may prove as dangerous as the most conspicuous foot-stomping one can muster. It's a difficult and confusing grey area of appropriate behavior. In the end I will be my own saboteur. Once again the toxic mix of caution and inexperience ruin such potential. Conflicting advice and disparate signs are my bane, my downfall. Ultimately, these are only factors. These are compounding elements that will culminate in my very obvious, deliberate, almost resigned last ditch effort, something that will surely fall flat.


devourhotpockets

:: 2010 28 December :: 3.22am
:: Mood: none
:: Music: none

none
"Hurt people hurt people." So cheesy. But never have I experienced this as much as I think I am now. I wonder if she even knows.


devourhotpockets

:: 2010 2 November :: 11.20pm
:: Mood: none
:: Music: none

none
I don't know why anyone would continue reading this. Posts are months apart nowadays, and I think about this so infrequently that I write here not when I'm depressed or unhappy, but when I'm EXCEPTIONALLY depressed or unhappy. This must be the most frustrating, boring and upsetting thing that you could pick to read. But that's fine. I really would write in here when I'm happy, but when I'm happy I'm too busy doing whatever it is that makes me so. All of my happiness is expressed in my regular life, while my depression and pain have nowhere to go.

I was stupid to think it would work with her. I should have learned more from last time. I blame myself much less this time, though, and that might make it a bit easier. I was so careful with what I said and did. I tried so hard to keep it within what I thought were her limits of comfort. In fact, I did. I didn't do anything wrong. We made it exclusive after she spent 10 minutes telling me how bad a time she'd had with other guys and how she didn't want to see anyone else. That was not the wrong call. I feel so fucking betrayed and used and taken advantage of. She unloaded all this shit onto me and told me how hard it was for her to say it and how much she meant it and then a week later it was like she forgot and two weeks later she took it all back. The more I think about it the angrier I get but that's accompanied by an equal amount of hurt. I'm thinking that I hate her for doing this to me but if I truly hated her then I wouldn't care that she did this to me. One thing I'm quite sure of is that she did go out with another guy less than a week after we agreed to be exclusive with one another. She told me that she didn't care about other guys at all, of her own volition, completely without any kind of prompt from me, and then she spent two weeks fostering a relationship with some other guy and then dropped me for him. I feel that I am completely the victim here. I think I am generally pretty good at accepting responsibility and viewing situations from all angles and I don't think I did anything wrong. I think I was led to believe several things and then over the course of two weeks she just changed her mind. It's so frustrating and hurtful and infuriating and it sucks. I don't ever want to see her and it kills me knowing that I will see her out somewhere very soon and I'll have to be cool and act nice. It KILLS me thinking about that. I'm going to think about this every time I go out now and I just dread it. Not even to mention the idea that she'll probably be with that guy or another one. I dread this so much.

Why is it that the more I like a girl, the more she treats me like shit? I think there have only been three significant romantic interests in my life and only one of them, Kathleen, didn't fuck me over somehow. She put up with way more than she needed to or even should have. The others have been very in and out of my life and it always ends poorly. Sometimes maybe it's something I did, but sometimes it's not. These two other people both seem to always care about me and always like me but never quite enough to establish anything with me or stop themselves from hurting me. I think I'm too soft. I probably just let a lot of this stuff happen. It could probably be prevented. I wonder what the rest of my life will be like romantically. I wonder how things are going to be for me over the next few years.


devourhotpockets

:: 2010 17 May :: 4.41am
:: Mood: none
:: Music: none

none
I'm getting a panicked feeling that I got last summer and the summer before and it worries me. Does free time bring me stress, now, because I feel guilty for not being productive? That might be it. Nonetheless it's a worrying and I hope I can overcome it by actually writing. I could start the short story that I've been mulling over for over a year, or I could try melding my experiences of this summer and those previous with my imagination and see what comes from it. Really I could and should do both. Any time I try the latter it ends up being kind of angsty and embarrassing and I hate it when I read it days later. Tomorrow I'll try and see what happens.

That prologue was really just a way to convince myself that I don't ONLY write in here to complain - even though it was kind of a complaint in itself. Complaining about complaining. Only one person reads this anyway.

New thought, unrelated to all previous. I'm becoming very uninspired and dispassionate about the way it is necessary to deal with women. Banish any childish thoughts, there is no homosexuality or deliberate abstinence in my future, but it worries me and kind of terrifies me the way that women must be treated for anything to come of it. Seriously, I don't even care about sex, I kind of just want to go on a few dates. It's maddening how complicated that is. I'm not Brad Pitt but I don't think I'm bad looking either, and if the bullshit didn't exist there wouldn't be a problem. I'm not ugly, I'm nice and I have a good personality, but I've never been very good at games. I can't throw a ball, I'm not exceptionally good at any video or board games, and I can't seem to make or keep a girl interested too often. It's always something. Always. Always some fucking thing. He offered to buy me a drink, but I said no, he asked if I was sure and I insisted, then HE LET ME BUY MY OWN DRINK?! Or maybe he talked to me on Facebook chat and that made me super uncomfortable because like, Facebook chat is so invasive. Or he texted me within three days of meeting me? WTF back off desperate! I honestly don't understand it. There are so many rules and regulations to the way I have to deal with women. I wouldn't generalize so blatantly if the statistics didn't force me to. I can think of one girl, Bonnie, that didn't put me through any of this. I suppose the roles were reversed a bit in the beginning, but I am positive that I did not make it difficult in any way. Straightforward the entire time. There was still some hidden rule that I broke which ended it, but that's different. It wasn't really so obscure; I should have seen that line miles before I crossed it. But it's upsetting how difficult this is and I think the only way to really deal with this is to not play the game. If I play the game, I'm going to lose. Some people understand it and play it well, most people are good enough to get by. I'm not. (I don't know sports well enough to make a metaphor, but if I did, I'd be putting it here.) I don't understand the rules and it just doesn't make sense to me. I'm baffled and confused when people behave the way that girls do in these situations. It's straight up deception and it's bullshit. I tell myself that I don't want a girl that acts like that, but that's obviously not true. Too many of them do this for them all to be crazy. But bottom line is this: you're a girl, I'm a boy, we're close in age, we find each other attractive, we're at roughly the same level of intoxication, we both enjoy the music. You're not going to dance with me because I didn't pay for your drink after you insisted that I not? I can't believe people think that that is OK.

Alright, I see your point. Maybe I'm just frustrated due to a low success rate. Maybe all of the mistakes I've made have been my own fault and I'm to blame. I'm frustrated about this and I'm blaming the system instead of blaming myself like I should. This could be true. This is probably a percentage. But no matter how calm or rational I become, my basic stance on this doesn't change. I may be truly defective, though. Who knows. You better than I.

So I end up at the decision to remove myself from the game. I will not try. I will do nothing. I won't text first, I won't chat first, I won't do ANYTHING. They say you miss every shot you don't take, but they also say you can't lose a race you're not running. The latter seems kind of like loser padding, but hey. I agree that it's better to try and fail than not try and still have nothing happen, EXCEPT in 99% of the mating world. If you try you lose points. So with girls, maybe it's better NOT to try, because in not trying you are somehow more impressive. Either way I think the only solution that will keep me from having an aneurism or keep me from being depressed from rejection every other weekend is to stop trying completely. I think I will try that. My chances might drop, but if something happens it will happen, and if nothing happens then obviously no one was interested enough. I'm not one to play hard to get but I'm not dealing with this anymore. I may be resigning myself to another long long time of loneliness and up-and-down depression but I think it's the best choice, considering. I wish things were easier but nothing can be forced and I'm not going to last trying to play these bullshit games anymore. Is someone bitter?


devourhotpockets

:: 2010 11 May :: 12.45am
:: Mood: none
:: Music: none

none
Wow. I feel so miserable right now. Not like, actually miserable - not unhappy or anything like that. I've just had one of those days where I do absolutely ABSOLUTELY nothing at all. I'm glad I spent my day like that, don't get me wrong. I haven't had one in a long time and it's good to über relax sometimes. I slept until 3 and did practically nothing. Sat in bed and watched TV on my computer. I left the apartment for like 30 minutes to return some movies to Blockbuster. I haven't really eaten, nor have I felt hungry. My neck really hurts the way that necks hurt from sitting in bed and looking at a computer screen for too long. I talked to someone online for a while but after so long the conversation kind of dulls and by the end of it I felt like we were mad at each other or something, though I know we weren't, it was just boring and tense. On my part anyway. I tried reviving the conversation with a weird joke and it didn't work. Then I tried talking to someone else to make sure I'm not crazy and that person also did not receive what I was sending. Really bizarre night for me. I guess that's what happens when I have so little human interaction for a whole day. Pat and Griffin have both been sleeping for hours so I'm just bored and weird. I guess I get weird when I spend the day with myself. That's not news. I didn't even really feel like playing either of the video games I've been enjoying lately. I played one for a few minutes, that was it. I feel like I have no patience for anything right now and I'm not fit to deal with other humans. I'll probably watch a movie pretty soon. Weird weird day. So yeah physically I feel like shit but it was good to turn off my brain for a day.

That thing about turning off my brain... sometimes I do it when I'm driving and I'll realize after a while that I haven't consciously thought about what I was doing for several minutes. It's kind of scary, I worry what would happen if someone in front of me slammed on their brakes or something while I'm doing that. I seriously just zone out and miss entire songs on the radio and don't realize how far I've gone.

The poor writing of this entry is kind of a good example of how off I am today. Strange sentence structure, no direction, nothing interesting. I really just can't think today.


devourhotpockets

:: 2010 20 April :: 1.02am
:: Mood: none
:: Music: none

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I just wrote this for my Women's Studies class and I kind of like it. It's not that in-depth, because that wasn't required. Also forgive the mentions of Athena and Artemis, they relate to this dumb thing my professor really likes which connects the different Greek goddesses to archetypal women. I threw it in there because I knew she'd like the references. Athena is described as a man's woman, a daddy's girl, a tough girl that tries to make it in "man's world" and often throws aside femininity. Artemis is the feminist, independent, etc., all that shit. This is kind of fluffy but the class is kind of fluffy too.

I recently had the pleasure of watching the movie The Devil Wears Prada, starring Anne Hathaway and Meryl Streep. I was relatively surprised to find that I enjoyed the film, though a few male friends had told me they liked it before. The movie follows Andy Sachs (Hathaway) as she struggles to move her way up in the world of journalism, working as an assistant to fashion magazine mogul Miranda Priestly (Streep). I thought this was a very positive movie for women, especially as one that many young women and teens would see. The many different kinds of people (specifically women) that carry the plot show the variety of directions and complexities one's life might have.
Andy is probably an Artemis – working towards her own goals, independent. She lives with her boyfriend, but she doesn't rely on him financially. They have a good relationship. She takes the job at Runway magazine as Miranda's assistant, hoping to make connections that will further her career in journalism (though she has no interest in fashion). She's very intelligent and hardworking, though somewhat shy, and she's determined to make her job work. Miranda turns out to be more than a handful, and as the movie progresses, Andy gains more and more control over her job and less and less over the rest of her life. She learns about fashion and how to do her job well, sacrificing her relationship, her friends, and any semblance of a personal life or fun.
Miranda is a woman that could easily be Andy 30 years down the line, should Andy stay on her path. Miranda is on her third or fourth husband. She has two daughters, and tries to be a good mother, but much of her touch is lost due to her time-consuming and stressful job. She treats almost everyone that she encounters like a lesser life form, save her art director Nigel (Stanley Tucci) and a select few people that she probably considers to be on her level. Though she does have personal time and a family, they are more like decorations on her life than actual priorities, and are often tossed aside for the sake of her job. We rarely see her do morally reprehensible things, but she could be considered a truly awful, terrible person just based on the way that she treats the people around her. She is an Athena through-and-through, and she is a perfect example to young women of what not to be. I think that slowly, over the course of the movie, as Andy gets to know Miranda better, we see little cracks and tears in Miranda's personality that reveal a lifetime of mistakes and regrets. She loves her job, but by the end of the film, I think it's safe to say that she sometimes questions herself, and longs for the family she should have.
As hopefully a lesson that viewers will share with her, Andy learns that she is on the path to becoming the mean, lonely person that Miranda is. She re-prioritizes and discovers what she really cares about having in her life – close relationships, a career with integrity, control. She takes life by the horns and quits her job, once again looking for her break in journalism, which she finds. Miranda shows her support with a passive-aggressive recommendation to Andy's new boss, another small peek at Miranda's inner good.
I think this movie shows women that being an Athena is OK, but not to lose oneself. Miranda may be an example of overcompensation. Maybe she felt so threatened by man's world that she became the woman that she is now, dominating but without any kind of emotional connection possible. In her attempt to make it in man's world, she lost her sense of womanhood completely. Meanwhile, Andy found the balance she needed to be successful but to keep herself intact. I think that's a very positive message, and the movie was fun to watch, to boot.


devourhotpockets

:: 2010 27 March :: 2.04am
:: Mood: none
:: Music: none

none
Ugh. I'm so fucking down and I really don't know what the fuck to do about it. I need to be writing. I desperately need to write and I can only bring myself to write in this shithole - the least productive thing I could possibly do. I think about these three or four different stories all the time and I can't figure out how to start them or what to do with them so I just write bullshit in this journal that like one person in the world reads and it gets me nowhere.

It's not about her anymore. I'm dealing with that. I still think about it a lot, more than I should, definitely way more than she does, but it's really not about that at this point. I mean, that does contribute. It makes me really depressed thinking about the fact that she probably goes days on end without thinking about me at all and that she's probably seeing some other guy now and is just as happy with him as she was with me. But the only reason that that bothers me so much is because nothing else is working out either. Everything involving her is just hardcore salt in my unrelated wounds. I seriously am hurting inside. Like there is just this terrible feeling in my chest and it sucks so much. I wish school wasn't so painful this semester. I really need to have more money, but I will soon, but I don't now. I'm trying to go out and be outgoing everywhere I am and make something work but it's not happening. I've never been as motivated or tried this hard to meet someone new but it's just not working and it's making this whole thing suck even more. March is already almost over and I love that because it means I'm that much closer to school ending. But it makes me think. When I look at the calendar on my wall with almost all of the days crossed off, I realize how terrible this month has been. Week one: depressed and unhappy. Week two: nonstop homework, worst week ever. Week three: slept in, played video game, worked, did nothing. Week four: school, work, absolutely nothing happened. And a few days still to go.

I think the last time I was this unhappy for this long was the summer before senior year. I was in a similar place relating to females, and it sucked that summer because I didn't have real friends. My friends that summer sucked. They were barely friends. I had a rough time the summer and fall after I came back from Chicago, but at least I had real friends, and I did some fun things. I have real friends now. I do fun things now. But I do incredibly un-fun things also, and I'm just fucking unhappy. I don't know what the fuck to do about it.


devourhotpockets

:: 2010 26 March :: 4.11am
:: Mood: none
:: Music: none

none
I'm sitting here in bed, about to go to sleep, and for some reason I started thinking about one of the stupidest things I've done regarding females.

It was my first week in Chicago, and I hadn't yet started school or work. I was at the new student festival thing, I don't remember what it's called. They held it in Grant Park and it had representatives from all the student clubs and organizations, a meet-and-greet type of deal, I'm sure every college has some equivalent. I know Wayne does. So I was walking around the tables with my roommates, but we got separated pretty quickly due to different interests and lingerings. I don't remember exactly how it happened, but I was walking by the Christian club table and became engaged in a conversation with a pretty girl who was probably two or three years older than me, at least. She was trying to recruit me to the club and I told her that I was not a Christian. She asked me about that, and we ended up talking for a good ten minutes or so. This is very unusual for such an event, because normally you talk for a minute or two and then move on. Her cohorts kept looking over and wondering what was going on. Anyway we had a very nice, respectful and interesting conversation about our differing beliefs, and she ended up writing down her name and number on a piece of paper and giving it to me. She said if I wanted to talk more about it to give her a call. At the time I really thought she meant just that, and was still trying to recruit me into the club, but now I think she was plain giving me her number. I didn't realize it until about a year ago. She was older than me, smart, attractive, and fun to talk to. Her name was Dusty. What an idiot I was not to call her. I was still hung up on Elle at the time, but that whole fiasco was probably over with before my window closed. Oh well. I still have that piece of paper, because I rarely throw out things like that (I have ticket stubs from 2003). It really is so silly looking back. What was I thinking. That brings up a brand new point, which I've never considered before this second: I think the the majority of the most natural, free-flowing and in-depth conversations that I've had with new females has been about religion, and usually it's when they are religious. Weird.


devourhotpockets

:: 2010 11 March :: 8.11am
:: Mood: none
:: Music: none

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For the past four days I have been shut in my bedroom completely, only leaving for work and school. I don't feel like I know how to write anymore - I think every paragraph I've written this week has been worse than the previous. I'm afraid that I am broken and can now only write what I think and feel and not what I know. It is the loneliest feeling to be shut in a small room for four days reading and writing and watching your roommates come and go and live their lives, the only contact with the outside world being passing conversation and short exchanges over Facebook chat. I anxiously await the rest of today, when I will be thrust into the social situations of class and work and will feel like I am part of a real world and not trapped in some boring, poorly-written episode of the Twilight Zone. When I come home from work in 14 hours I will be barely human.

"I no longer know who I am and I feel like the ghost of a total stranger."

No I'll be fine. I've finished the last of my insane load of work due this week and the rest of my semester should be spread out a little better. I got my DTE billz paid and at midnight I'll get a new paycheck. Things are gonna change, I can feel it.

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